In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, comedian-turned-relationship guru Steve Harvey offers advice to every woman—whether single, dating, or married—who wants to attract and keep a man. He believes that many women struggle to form long-term relationships because they misunderstand men. To help women solve this problem, Harvey explores what men need, how they think, and how they behave when it comes to dating women and forming lasting relationships—and how women should behave in response to get the dating life they want.
In this guide, we’ll first resolve the common misunderstandings women have about men. Then, we’ll discuss Harvey’s tips for finding a man and how to behave in both the short- and long-term to keep him around. Finally, we’ll discuss Harvey’s strategies for solving issues you might face in a long-term relationship.
According to Harvey, many women’s dating struggles stem from the fact that they don’t understand men. Specifically, they don’t understand 1) what drives men, 2) how men love, 3) what men need from women, and 4) what men don’t want. But, Harvey argues, unless you understand these topics, you won’t know how to respond to the games men often play in relationships and thus risk heartbreak.
(Shortform note: The proliferation of writing that aims to help women understand men suggests Harvey isn’t alone in believing that women struggle in this regard. However, evidence suggests that men struggle to understand women, too—for example, men have difficulty reading women's facial expressions.)
In this section, we’ll explore these four topics to gain a greater understanding of how, according to Harvey, men think and behave.
Harvey argues that men are all driven by the same motivations. They need to figure out three things to feel like a man: what their job will be, what their title will be because of that job (like “manager”), and how much money they’ll earn. Men are also motivated by the need to feel like they’re in charge in at least one area of their life—like their professional life.
(Shortform note: Experts suggest that male motivation may have different roots than those Harvey explores. For instance, evolutionary biologists argue that men are intrinsically motivated by the desire to reproduce. Moreover, research casts doubt on Harvey’s assertion that all men are driven by the same factors. In fact, one study on what motivates employees in the workplace couldn’t identify any factors that successfully motivated all participants. Rather, each employee was motivated by a unique mix of factors—which suggests that the same may be true of men, too.)
Harvey believes that one of the best things you can do to have a happy relationship with men is to learn how men love. He argues that a man’s love can be boiled down to three actions. (Shortform note: Other authors have highlighted other ways that men demonstrate their love for their partner. For instance, one relationship blogger lists 10 ways in which men often show their love, like being willing to compromise.)
1) He publicly uses terms of endearment. Harvey states that men like to stake claim to things. So if he introduces you to people he cares about with a title—like girlfriend—he’s letting them all know you’re his. (Shortform note: A 1993 study suggests that people who use terms of endearment may have happier relationships.)
2) He looks after you. Harvey argues that a man who loves you will try to provide for you financially—and if he can’t, he’ll try to look after you in other ways, like by trying to fix your broken refrigerator. (Shortform note: In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman argues that everybody uses one of five different “languages” to express and understand their love. The love language of a man who looks after you may be “acts of service”: He expresses love by doing things that make your life easier.)
3) He keeps you safe. According to Harvey, if a man loves you, you’re his most prized possession, so he’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you. (Shortform note: Evolutionary biologists often refer to actions your man takes to protect you as “mate guarding,” which stems from your man’s biological drive to ensure that other men don’t steal his mate.)
Harvey argues that you only need to do three things for your man to keep him happy:
1) Create a supportive home environment. Harvey argues that men need a woman who’ll relieve the stress in their everyday lives by expressing appreciation for them—not one who’ll create more stress by being unsupportive or uncaring.
2) Stand by him, always. Harvey asserts that a man who knows you’ll stand by his side, stay faithful, and support him no matter what is one who’ll stay loyal to you, too.
(Shortform note: Harvey’s first two ideas about what men need from women closely align with those of John Gray, who states in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus that men need their partners to trust, appreciate, and encourage them. Gray also argues that women should accept their man as he is, show approval for the things he does, and actively show him admiration.)
3) Give him regular sex, even if you’re not in the mood. Physical intimacy is how men show their love—and Harvey warns that if they aren’t able to show love to you, they’ll find someone else to show it to. (Shortform note: Having sex with your partner even though you’re not in the mood can have negative physical effects such as pain during intercourse.)
According to Harvey, one thing that men don’t want in a relationship is to listen to you vent about your problems—unless you’re venting about something hurtful that he’s done. Harvey states that while your man may listen to you vent occasionally about problems he hasn’t caused to help you feel better, he would generally prefer that you vent to your girlfriends.
(Shortform note: Here, Harvey implies that women are more open to listening than men—but does that mean that women are better listeners overall? Perhaps not: According to the Global Listening Center, there’s scant evidence to suggest that any gender is naturally better at listening.)
Now that you understand men, how can you find the right guy? In this section, we’ll explore Harvey’s tips for doing so: Determine what a man wants, act like you want a long-term relationship, and have (and enforce) your standards.
According to Harvey, the first thing to consider when you first start to date a man is what he wants from you. Harvey argues that most men only want to have a fun physical fling with you—so if you want a serious relationship, you should tell a man up front that you’re looking for commitment, not just fun. Harvey contends that doing so will save you a lot of pain because after this conversation, a man who only wants sex will leave; a man who continues to pursue you probably also wants a serious relationship.
(Shortform note: If a man only wants a physical fling with you, it may be not due to his gender but to his attachment style. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller contend that people have different attachment styles (beliefs and behaviors that determine how they function in intimate relationships) and that avoidant attachers (people who see intimacy as a threat to their independence) of both genders may pursue primarily sexual relationships because they fear intimacy. However, the authors agree with Harvey that the best way to avoid a purely physical relationship if you don’t want one is to clearly express your needs up front.)
Harvey argues that if you want a long-term commitment, behaving like you want a relationship can also signal this desire to men. According to Harvey, when you meet a man, he’ll begin to analyze your behavior to determine whether you’ve got the potential to be his long-term partner. So engaging in certain behaviors will give men the impression that you do—or don’t—want a relationship.
Notably, Harvey argues that initiating deep conversation on a range of topics and complimenting your man when he does things right signal that you want a relationship. Conversely, only making conversation to flirt and complaining about your man all signal that you don’t want a relationship.
(Shortform note: Why Men Love Bitches author Sherry Argov supports Harvey’s strategies—but with caveats. Like Harvey, Argov warns against conversations that are overtly flirty; however, she recommends flirting subtly during your conversations about other topics. Similarly, while Argov prefers compliments to complaining, she reminds you to only compliment a man for something once: Praising him excessively for the same thing will make you seem desperate and diminish his interest in you.)
According to Harvey, another important facet of finding the right man for you is setting and enforcing standards, which are non-negotiable expectations that you expect a potential partner to meet—for instance, he must want kids. By doing so, Harvey argues, you’ll weed out men who aren’t right for you: When you know what your standards are and realize that a man isn’t meeting them, you know to break things off.
(Shortform note: While Harvey exclusively discusses why you should set standards for your partner, it may be useful to set standards for yourself, too. In Awaken the Giant Within, life coach Tony Robbins argues that having a set of rules about your own behavior that you self-enforce can push you to become your best self. Try setting yourself standards that help you become the best partner you can be. For example, you might make yourself treat your partner to one date night per week, regardless of how busy you are at work.)
How can you figure out your standards? Harvey recommends asking yourself several questions on topics like the following:
(Shortform note: Relationship experts caution that your standards must be realistic; otherwise, you’ll never find anyone who meets them and thus won’t find the happiness you seek. Moreover, they might even backfire. For example, expecting your man to be with you constantly will destroy both of your independence and likely result in a breakup. If you live in the United States, you can determine whether your standards are realistic by using this online calculator to determine how many people who meet your preferences regarding career and family live in the country—and if you need to adjust your standards based on that number.)
Once you’ve figured out what your standards are, Harvey recommends that you subtly communicate them to the person you want to date. Don’t give your man a list of demands, says Harvey, because men crave agency: They want to feel like they figured out your standards all by themselves. Instead, Harvey recommends hinting that you like or dislike certain behaviors. That way, you’ve given your man the breadcrumbs he needs to figure out your expectations, without dictating them to him. For example, rather than telling your man, “You must send me a ‘good morning’ text every day,” you might say, “Isn’t it nice to have a text from your partner to wake up to every day?”
(Shortform note: Like Harvey, Nonviolent Communication author Marshall B. Rosenberg advises against demanding things from people, explaining that doing so will alienate them and damage your budding connection. Unlike Harvey, who warns against outright asking your man to meet your expectations, Rosenberg argues that you can make direct requests of someone—as long as you do so respectfully and give the person the space to say no if they want to.)
So, you’ve found a man, and you’ve both decided to give dating a try—what next? In this section, we’ll discuss Harvey’s tips for how to behave in the early stages of a relationship to ensure its long-term success: Namely, withhold sex for the first three months, introduce him to your children, and meet his family.
If you’re looking for a committed relationship, Harvey recommends that you withhold sex for the first 90 days. He suggests doing so for two main reasons.
First, Harvey notes, by waiting 90 days for sex, you’ll weed out any men who are looking solely for sex, because they’ll grow impatient and leave instead of waiting that long. In contrast, a man who will prove his worth to you for 90 days without sex is a man who respects you and as such is someone worth investing your time in.
Second, Harvey notes, 90 days gives you enough time to experience many different scenarios with your man so you can get a good grasp of who he is. Specifically, Harvey explains, you can discover the following things about him:
How he responds when you set boundaries: A man who cares about you respects the word “no” when it comes to sex; a man who doesn’t care disappears. (Shortform note: Other experts add that you should also pay attention to whether your man respects your boundaries in other contexts. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t respect you or your feelings.)
How he responds when you need him: A man who cares about you will help you or try to comfort you if you lean on him in small ways; a man who doesn’t care won’t bother. (Shortform note: One relationship writer elaborates on why it matters that your man responds when you need him: If he doesn’t, it indicates that he doesn’t consider you a priority. This is especially true if he repeatedly doesn’t respond when you need him.)
How to Wait for Sex Without Losing Him
In Why Men Love Bitches, Argov also recommends that you wait to have sex—but she doesn’t specify for how long, writing that you should wait as long as possible. Additionally, although Argov agrees that some men who leave before sex are those who would have left anyway, she contends that a man may also leave if he takes your lack of interest in sex as a lack of desire for him. To avoid this misunderstanding, Argov recommends that you keep the physical spark alive by being physically affectionate in public during the daytime—like by kissing him at a picnic in the park. In this way, you’ll signal to your man that you desire him without implying that you want to go further in that moment.
As Harvey notes, many women with kids withhold them from their men until the relationship becomes serious. However, Harvey contends that you should introduce your new man to your kids in the early stages of the relationship—and that doing so benefits both you and your man. (Shortform note: Single mom blogger Emma Johnson disagrees with the idea that you can only introduce men you’ve been dating a long time to your children. However, Johnson doesn’t argue that you should introduce your man to your kids early; rather she recommends waiting until you’re comfortable.)
Introducing your children to your man early benefits you because it lets you evaluate your man’s potential as a father figure. As Harvey notes, any man who you spend your life with must be good with children—and the best way to determine that is to see how he interacts with them. The right man will be confident, comfortable, and trying to befriend your kids just in case he does become a parental figure someday.
(Shortform note: Similarly, if your man (and not you) has kids, you must also determine whether you have a viable future together. While this may involve directly assessing his parenting style by meeting his kids, you can also ask questions to determine whether you see a future with him, like what his expectations are about your eventual role in his kids’ lives.)
Just as it matters how your man interacts with your family, Harvey notes, it’s also important that you develop a good relationship with his family.
To make a good impression on his family, Harvey recommends three main strategies. First, be sincere. Show your man’s family the woman he likes instead of trying to be someone you’re not. Second, dress more modestly than you might on a date. Third, do your research before you go: Ask your man for details about the family members who will be there—and try to remember them when you show up! It will go a long way if you already know that Linda is Aunt Linda who taught him how to ride a bike when he was 10.
(Shortform note: Being sincere, dressing modestly, and knowing details about his family help you make a good impression because they indicate that you’re respectful—which you can also express via other methods, like offering to help with the chores. But as you’re being respectful, pay attention to how his family treats you, too: As psychologist Meg Jay points out in The Defining Decade, if you get married, your man’s family will impact your future happiness, so it’s important that you’re comfortable.)
Now that you know what to do in the early stages of a relationship, we’ll explore Harvey’s tips for longer relationships. In this section, you’ll learn how to evaluate whether he’s worth a long-term commitment and how to get him to propose if he is.
Harvey argues that if you’re considering a long-term commitment with someone, you should ask him to clarify his intentions up front. While Harvey recognizes that most women don’t do this out of fear of pushing men away, he contends that you must take this risk so that you don’t waste your time in a relationship with no future.
(Shortform note: If you’re ashamed of your desire for a long-term relationship because you think you should be satisfied without a man, you may also struggle to ask a man what his intentions are. If so, keep in mind what Levine and Heller note in Attached: In actuality, having a partner who fulfills your emotional needs helps you thrive, because they make you feel safe enough to take bolder risks.)
To clarify a man’s intentions, Harvey recommends asking about the following four subjects.
Harvey argues that it’s critical to understand men’s goals in the three areas that drive men—their job, title, and financial status—and whether they’re compatible with your life plans.
To analyze this, Harvey recommends first that you ask about his goals in the near future during your first few dates. If he knows how he’s going to achieve them, he’s working hard to become who he wants to be. If he doesn’t, he’s not getting serious about himself and as such is not ready to get serious about you. Harvey adds that you should also ask about his goals in the distant future. He argues that a man with long-term goals also knows whether he sees a commitment in his future; a man who lacks clarity about his future long-term hasn’t thought that far ahead and is thus not the kind of man you want.
(Shortform note: Talking about your short- and long-term goals isn’t a one-time conversation, especially when it comes to your finances—in which a man’s job and title usually play a major role. In I Will Teach You to Be Rich, finance expert Ramit Sethi argues that once you’re in a serious relationship, it’s essential to discuss both your short- and long-term financial goals so that you can make good decisions together.)
Harvey contends that it’s important to know whether you and your man have similar values, which you can assess by asking about his relationships during your first few dates. In particular, Harvey emphasizes asking about his parents. He contends that how a man was raised and how he thinks about the people who raised him say a lot about his character. He also recommends asking about his belief system. Harvey argues that everybody needs something to support their moral compass and guide their decisions in life—like religion. Find out what his is and whether it’s compatible with yours.
(Shortform note: Other relationship experts agree that you should ask questions to determine your man’s values, but they differ on what specific questions you should ask. For example, they contend that asking your man about his family is a way to learn how he relates to people in general—so if he’s not close with his parents, you should ask about his closest friends instead. Similarly, they recommend asking not just about his beliefs but his political views, which will likely reflect his core beliefs. Moreover, they don’t consider asking these questions a one-time endeavor. Instead, they say you should keep discussing your values throughout the relationship because they will change as you and your man grow.)
Once you’ve gotten to know each other over a few dates, Harvey recommends asking your man for his opinion of you to determine whether he considers you relationship material. As Harvey notes, most men will give platitudes like “You’re sweet”; when he does, ask him for details—what about your behavior makes him think you’re sweet? A man who can provide details likes you: He’s been making mental notes about what he likes about you, and he wouldn’t do this for someone he doesn’t care about. A man who can’t only wants sex: His lack of knowledge about you indicates that he hasn’t thought deeply about you as a person.
(Shortform note: Don’t want to directly ask a man for his opinion of you? Dating coach James Preece contends that you can tell whether a man sees you as relationship material based on his behavior: If a man remembers small details about your life and actively tries to get those things for you, like by buying you your favorite ice cream on a bad day, he probably sees you as a long-term partner.)
After you learn your man’s opinion of you, Harvey recommends asking about his feelings for you to determine whether he’s serious about a potential commitment to you. He’ll likely be uncomfortable since men generally dislike exposing emotion. However, Harvey contends, a man who cares about you will push through the discomfort and make a valid effort to respond, saying something like, “I always want to text you when something good happens.” In contrast, a man who refuses to make himself vulnerable isn’t attached to you—so you should take a step back from the relationship or leave it altogether.
(Shortform note: If your man is overly effusive about his feelings for you early in the relationship, he may be love bombing you. Commonly used by narcissists, love bombing is when someone is excessively attentive or affectionate too early in the relationship. By doing so, he makes you fall intensely for him—which gives him a sense of power over you and boosts his ego. If you’re unsure whether your man is love-bombing you or just willing to push through his discomfort and be open about his feelings, try setting some boundaries. If he undermines them or grows angry, he may be a narcissist.)
You evaluated his long-term potential and have now been dating someone for a while—now, how can you get him to propose? Harvey contends that the key is to set an expectation of marriage. Harvey explains that even if a man is committed to you, he likes the illusion of freedom being unmarried gives him—so unless you ask for a proposal, you’ll never get one.
(Shortform note: Research supports Harvey’s theory that setting an expectation of marriage matters. Many unmarried men attribute their singlehood to the fact that they don’t experience any social pressure to get married. In other words, men remain single because nobody expects them to get married—so if you don’t make that expectation clear, he may never marry you.)
Ideally, Harvey notes, you’ll set this expectation early in your relationship: By telling him that you want to get married and a clear period of time by which it needs to happen, he’ll know that he’ll lose you if he doesn’t come through. But if you didn’t and have been with your man for a while, make this expectation clear now. Harvey acknowledges that doing so may scare a man off—but if it does, he’s not the right man. A man who wants to marry you meets your expectations; if he doesn’t meet them, he doesn't see you as his future wife.
(Shortform note: If you’re nervous about setting an expectation of marriage with your long-term boyfriend because you’re worried about starting over if he doesn’t meet it, you may have fallen victim to the sunk cost fallacy. In The Defining Decade, Jay explains that you might stay in a relationship not because you’re happy but because you’ve already invested so much in it. However, she explains that what you’ve invested is a sunk cost—something you can’t get back no matter what. In other words, you won’t get back the time you dated your man either way. So if your heart is set on marriage, it may be better to set the expectation now and break up with him rather than waste more years with a man who will never marry you.)
Whether you’ve been dating for a short or long while, relationships are often fraught with problems. In this section, we’ll discuss Harvey’s strategies for dealing with two common relationship issues—infidelity and lack of sex.
As Harvey notes, both men and women understand that cheating is wrong, so why does it happen so often—and what can you do if your man cheats on you?
Harvey contends that men cheat for several reasons—and by understanding these reasons, you may be able to avoid situations in which your man is likely to cheat. One reason men cheat, according to Harvey, is because they believe sex is just sex: Since a man views sex as a purely physical act, having sex with one woman doesn’t affect his feelings for the woman he loves—so he feels justified sleeping with other people. Harvey adds that men may also cheat because they’re dissatisfied with their sex lives: If your man interprets your lack of effort in the bedroom as a sign that you no longer admire or desire him, he’ll look for someone who does.
(Shortform note: In Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá argue that men cheat due to the Coolidge effect—a biological phenomenon in which a new female inspires a man’s sexual desire simply because she’s new. In other words, it’s true that your man’s affair usually has no relationship to how deeply he feels about you. In fact, if your coital frequency has dropped not because of your lack of effort but because of your man’s, his affair may increase it: An older man having sex with a woman younger than his partner will also grow more interested in sex with his partner.)
While you can’t always prevent your man from cheating, Harvey argues, you can make it less likely by setting consequences up front: A man who knows he’ll experience pain for cheating is less likely to engage in infidelity. That said, Harvey argues, it’s critical that you follow through on the consequences you’ve set. For example, if you tell your man that you’ll leave him if he cheats, you must actually leave him. Otherwise, he’ll learn that there are no painful consequences for cheating, and he’ll likely do it again.
(Shortform note: When you’re setting the consequences of cheating, start by agreeing on a definition of cheating, as people tend to define it differently. For example, you may view flirty texts as cheating, while your partner may deem it harmless. By agreeing on a definition, you’ll avoid any disagreements about whether your partner’s actions count as cheating—and thus be able to follow through on the painful consequences you set and teach your partner the lesson he must learn.)
You’ve now learned that your man may cheat if you neglect your sex life; but sometimes, he’s the one who seems less interested in sex. Before you panic, Harvey recommends some strategies to reignite the spark, like the following:
Investigate the root cause. Talk to your man to see if he’s experiencing any stress that might be affecting his libido. Sometimes, Harvey argues, just being able to express his frustrations and fears is enough to reopen the gates to sex. (Shortform note: While increased stress may decrease your man’s libido, remember that the opposite is also possible: Some people experience an increase in libido when they’re stressed.)
Check his health. If you suspect that your lack of bedroom action is health-related, find a sensitive way to broach the topic, keeping the focus on your worry and love for him. (Shortform note: In fact, a sexual issue may be a sign of deeper problems. One doctor notes that erectile dysfunction is often the first indicator of heart disease.)
In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey offers advice to every woman—whether single, dating, or married—who wants to attract and keep a man. He believes that many women struggle to form long-term relationships because they misunderstand men. To help women solve this problem, Harvey explores what men need, how they think, and how they behave when it comes to dating women and forming lasting relationships.
Ultimately, Harvey wants women to be able to “think like a man” while still “acting like a lady”—in other words, for women to understand and appeal to the male psyche while maintaining their femininity.
Steve Harvey is an entertainer, broadcaster, and author. After breaking into the entertainment industry as a stand-up comedian in the 1990s, he soon transitioned into radio and television presenting roles. He’s perhaps best known for presenting the television game show Family Feud and the nationally-broadcast radio program The Steve Harvey Morning Show. Harvey has won numerous awards for his television work, including six Daytime Emmy Awards.
Since the late 2000s, Harvey has gained a reputation as a “relationship guru” (although he denies being an expert on relationships, instead claiming to be knowledgeable about the behavior of men). He first began to give relationship advice on his radio show, regularly answering the dating questions of (predominantly female) listeners. He then decided to put his ideas about men, women, and dating to paper after seeing his four daughters struggle through difficult relationships. The result was Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.
In 2010, Harvey released a second dating advice book: Straight Talk, No Chaser. He’s also written two books about finding happiness and success: Act Like a Success and Jump.
Connect with Steve Harvey:
Publisher: Amistad, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man was first published in 2008. It was Harvey’s first book, and, to date, it’s the best-known title in his bibliography.
In 2014, Harvey released an expanded version of the Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. This edition of the book contains six new chapters on topics such as handling your partner’s ex, forming positive relationships with your partner’s family members, and reigniting your sex life. Note that this guide refers to the expanded edition of the book, rather than the original release.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is one of a series of books by men published in the 2000s and early 2010s that aimed to improve women’s dating lives by deepening their understanding of men. Other books on this subject include:
In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Harvey bases his advice on his and his male friends’ personal experiences of relationships and ideas about what it means to be a man. He doesn’t cite academic sources or other dating guides—despite his ideas aligning with some previous works on dating. For instance, Harvey’s perception that men and women are very different and consequently struggle to understand each other echoes the central thesis of dating classic Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
Upon its release, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man quickly became a bestseller, selling millions of copies. The book reached the top of the Wall Street Journal’s non-fiction list and was a New York Times bestseller. It also received a ringing endorsement from Oprah Winfrey, possibly contributing to its popularity.
Following the book’s publication, Harvey—already a household name—became even more popular, particularly among female fans. Harvey claims that women would regularly accost him on the street to discuss the book.
In 2012, Screen Gems released a movie, Think Like a Man, based on the book’s principles. In the film, the lead female characters all consult Harvey’s book for dating guidance. The male leads later discover that the women are trying to “keep them in line” using Harvey’s advice, and, in turn, try to use Harvey’s advice to thwart their partners’ scheming. Think Like a Man and its 2014 sequel, Think Like a Man Too, both received mixed to negative reviews from critics.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man has received a mix of positive and negative reviews from readers. Fans of the book praise Harvey’s entertaining and engaging writing style and his realistic description of how men think and act. Some readers also liked that the book contains advice applicable to women at all stages of the dating cycle, from single women, to married women, to divorced women with children.
Meanwhile, critical reviewers of the book claim that its dating principles are sexist in how they discuss both men and women. They argue that the book paints men as uncaring, emotion-devoid brutes who are obsessed with sex, have overblown egos, and exist solely to bring home money. Meanwhile, it presents women as “objects” to be “claimed” by men, who must give their man as much sex as he wants while accepting that he’ll, in all likelihood, treat them badly in return. These readers claim that while such stereotypes may have been acceptable in the 1940s and 1950s, they’re offensive and outdated in the present.
Some reviewers have also argued that the book’s advice is at times contradictory. For instance, a Vice retrospective on the book notes that Harvey encourages women to set standards for their men, while also warning women that setting standards is asking too much of men.
Furthermore, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man faces criticism from both Christians and non-Christians. Some Christian readers dislike that Harvey claims to be Christian himself, yet encourages women to behave in a way that goes against Christian values—for instance, by having sex before marriage. Meanwhile, non-Christian readers dislike Harvey’s assumption that all of his readers are Christian and will appreciate his faith-influenced approach to dating.
Harvey writes in a casual, conversational style, interspersing the book’s principles with anecdotes about his own relationships (and sometimes those of callers into his radio show). This makes the book entertaining to read, and it gives fans of Harvey an insight into his personal life. However, this approach may be frustrating for readers solely interested in gaining practical dating advice, as, in some chapters, it takes Harvey a while to conclude his anecdotes and outline the principles.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is split into four parts, which discuss (in order):
In some ways, this structure is effective. For instance, it enables the reader to gain a deep understanding of men and how they operate before they learn how to attract one: an order that makes sense, since it’ll be easier to attract men if you know what makes them tick.
However, Harvey’s organization does have some drawbacks. First, some chapters of the book may fit better in a “part” different from that assigned by Harvey. For example, Chapter 14, about how to encourage a man to propose, would arguably fit best in Part 4, about how to keep a man long term (since marriage is, in most cases, a long-term endeavor). However, Harvey put this chapter in Part 3, about winning the dating game.
Further, Harvey’s organization sometimes leads to dating strategies being described in a non-chronological and illogical order. For instance, Chapter 19, about deciding whether you’re ready to marry your man, comes before Chapter 20, about meeting your man’s family—despite Harvey claiming that you should be on familiar terms with a man’s family before deciding whether to marry him.
In our guide, we’ve re-organized Harvey’s ideas so that they’re presented in a more chronological way. In Part 1, we’ll discuss the male mindset—namely, the four misunderstandings that women have about men. In Part 2, we’ll examine Harvey’s advice on how to attract a man and how to behave in the early stages of a relationship. In Part 3, we’ll discuss Harvey’s recommendations regarding long-term commitment—like how to know if you’re ready to marry him. Finally, in Part 4, we’ll present Harvey’s solutions to common dating issues such as infidelity.
Throughout our guide, we’ll examine the validity of Harvey’s ideas by presenting research that either corroborates or contradicts them. We’ll also compare Harvey’s strategies to those recommended by other dating experts—so that you can know exactly what to do to get the relationship of your dreams.
(The final chapter of the book provides a list of general questions women are curious about but afraid to ask. Because they’re tangential to the book’s main themes, we’ve omitted them from the guide, but you may find them useful to furthering your understanding of men and relationships.)
According to Steve Harvey, many women’s dating struggles stem from the fact that they don’t understand men. Specifically, they don’t understand:
Harvey argues that this lack of understanding puts women at risk of manipulation and heartbreak at the hands of men. After all, he notes, if you don’t understand men, you won’t know how to respond to the games they often play in relationships.
(Shortform note: The proliferation of writing that aims to help women understand men suggests Harvey isn’t alone in believing that women struggle in this regard. However, evidence suggests that men don’t always understand women, either. For instance, according to one scientific study, men may struggle to understand how women feel because they have difficulty reading the emotions expressed in women’s eye region—an area of the face that, according to the researchers, is very emotive.)
In this first part of the guide, we’ll explore the four above topics to gain a greater understanding of how, according to Harvey, men think and behave.
Harvey argues that men are all driven by the same motivations. They need to figure out three things to feel like a man: what their job will be, what their title will be because of that job (for instance, “manager” or “chief financial officer”), and how much money they’ll earn. Men are also motivated by the need to feel like they’re in charge in at least one area of their life. This might be their professional life, their social life, or their love life.
What Else Might Drive Men?
According to various writers and researchers, male motivation may have different roots than those Harvey explores. For instance, evolutionary biologists argue that men are intrinsically motivated by the desire to reproduce—possibly more so than women are. These researchers argue that in men, the motivation to reproduce may be even stronger than the motivation to survive, as evidenced by the fact that men may engage in risky behavior if they think it’ll attract a mate.
Meanwhile, David Deida, the author of The Way of the Superior Man, argues that men are primarily driven by a desire to be free from all stress and constraints. He also believes that men are motivated by a wish to come close to death but overcome it.
Can We Really Know What Motivates a Whole Gender?
Is it ever accurate to say that all men—or even all people—are motivated by the same thing? Some researchers would argue not. For instance, a study on what motivates employees in the workplace couldn’t identify any factors that successfully motivated all participants. Rather, researchers found that employees could be split into five groups based on what combination of factors motivated them the most—for instance, altruism and achievement, money and power, or responsibility and status. Even within those groups, there was still variance in the exact weighting of the different factors that motivated each individual.
In sum, each person—including each man—arguably has a unique mix of things that motivate them. This makes blanket explanations of motivation—like Harvey’s and Deida’s—reductive.
Harvey believes that one of the best things you can do to have a happy relationship with men is to learn how men love. He argues that a man’s love can be boiled down to three actions:
1) He publicly uses terms of endearment. Harvey claims that you know a man loves you when he gives you a title in public—for instance, he introduces you as his girlfriend, sweetheart, or woman. Men like to stake claim to things, and if he introduces you to people he cares about with a title, he’s letting them all know you’re his. (Shortform note: A 1993 study found a possible link between using terms of endearment and having a happier relationship. People who classed themselves as “satisfied” in their relationship reported using more terms of endearment than those who were unhappy.)
2) He looks after you. If a man really loves you, he will make sure the bills are paid and there is food in the refrigerator. Harvey notes that men are so driven to provide for their women that even if your man can’t provide for you financially, he’ll try to look after you in other ways. For instance, if your refrigerator breaks, he’ll immediately come over and try to fix it.
3) He keeps you safe. According to Harvey, if a man loves you, you’re his most prized possession, and he’s going to make sure nothing bad happens to you. For instance, if someone harasses you on the street, he’ll step in to defend you. If your man doesn’t step up to protect you, he probably doesn’t love you. (Shortform note: Evolutionary biologists often refer to actions your man takes to protect you as “mate guarding,” which they contend stem from your man’s biological drive to ensure that a) other men don’t steal his mate away and b) his mate doesn’t choose to leave.)
Other Ways Men Show Love
Harvey’s list of the three ways that men show love arguably isn’t exhaustive. In fact, later in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Harvey introduces another male method of showing love: through sex. We’ll discuss men’s need for sex in the next section.
Furthermore, other authors and researchers have highlighted many more ways that men demonstrate their love for their partners. For instance, relationship coach and blogger James Michael Sama lists 10 ways in which men often show their love, including buying their partner thoughtful gifts and being willing to compromise.
Likewise, psychologist Brenda Shoshanna argues that men show their love in a few ways, such as introducing their partner to their family and offering plentiful physical affection. Shoshanna also notes that a man simply telling a partner that he loves them is a powerful symbol of his love, since men are often reticent to say these three words. (Some research casts doubt on this assertion: For instance, one study found that men are actually more likely to say “I love you” first in a relationship, despite the widely held belief that it’s the other way around.)
Finally, a study that examined the differences between how men and women show love found that men show love in three main gender-specific ways: through sex, by helping their partners with chores, and by engaging in shared activities with their partner in their free time. Men also show love through affection—a trait that, according to the study, they share with women.
Of course, the ways that people show love aren’t necessarily gender-specific: In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman argues that everybody uses one of five different “languages” to express and understand their love. Notably, the love language of a man who looks after you may be “acts of service:” He expresses love by doing things that make your life easier.
Harvey argues that men don’t need much from their woman. In fact, you only need to do three things for your man to keep him happy:
1) Create a supportive home environment. Men live stressful lives, full of worries about work, their relationships, and money. According to Harvey, they don’t need a woman who’ll create more stress by being unsupportive or uncaring. Instead, they need a woman who will ask them how their day was and tell them how grateful they are for everything they do.
2) Stand by him, always. Harvey notes that being loyal to your man is one of the most significant ways he will feel your love. If he knows you will stand by his side, stay faithful, and support him no matter what happens—for instance, even if your rich, attractive ex tries to win you back, just after your man has lost his job—he will stay loyal to you, too.
(Shortform note: Harvey’s first two ideas about what men need from women closely align with those of John Gray, who states in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus that men need their partners to trust, appreciate, and encourage them. Gray also argues that women should accept their man as he is, show approval for the things he does, and actively show him admiration.)
3) Give him regular sex, even if you’re not in the mood. Physical intimacy is how men show their love—and Harvey warns that if they aren’t able to show love to you, they’ll find someone else to show it to. He claims that if you’re in a committed relationship, you have about a month of withholding sex before your man starts looking for it elsewhere. This is the case even if there are reasons behind your low libido—for instance, because your job is tiring you out. While Harvey concedes that a man cheating under these circumstances isn’t very fair, he insists that if you want a good relationship, you have to accept that sex is part of it, even when you’re not 100% in the mood.
(Shortform note: Having sex with your partner even though you’re not in the mood can have negative physical and psychological effects. These include pain during intercourse due to the body tensing up; starting to see sex as an obligation, rather than something fun and pleasurable; and ultimately wanting sex even less because you now associate it with negative outcomes.)
According to Harvey, one thing that men don’t need (or want) in a relationship is to be a listening ear. Put simply, your man doesn’t want to listen to you vent about your problems. That’s what your girlfriends are for. The exception to this rule is if you’re venting to your man about something hurtful that he’s done. Harvey admits that men understand that they’re not perfect and will sometimes have to listen to your complaints about their behavior.
That’s not to say that your man will never listen to you vent. Every man knows that he’ll have to cuddle and talk sometimes until his woman feels better. However, Harvey states that all men want those moments to be few and far between.
(Shortform note: Here, Harvey implies that women are more open to listening than men—but does that mean that women are better listeners overall? Perhaps not: According to the Global Listening Center, there’s scant evidence to suggest that any gender is naturally better at listening. However, the Center acknowledges that men and women do tend to listen differently—for instance, men listen in silence, whereas women punctuate their listening with occasional comments to show that they’re paying attention.)
What might happen if, despite knowing your man doesn’t want to listen to your problems, you try to force him to anyway? Harvey argues that if you do this, your man probably won’t respond in the way you want: with sympathy and respect for your emotions. Instead, your man will suggest a logical solution to your issue, then move on.
According to Harvey, while women want to dive into the emotional layers of every negative thing that happens to them, men want to fix the problem as quickly as possible. They do this because they think that eliminating the issue will make their partner happy—and when their partner is happy, men are happy.
How Else Might Your Man Respond to Your Venting?
Will your man always respond to your venting by suggesting a fix to your problem? According to Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus writer John Gray, perhaps not. Gray argues that often, a man will interpret venting as his woman trying to blame him for the problems she’s venting about. This makes the man respond to venting in a defensive or negative way—for instance, he’ll try to force his woman to stop venting.
Gray argues that to overcome this problem and encourage your man to listen to your venting in a respectful way, you should make clear from the outset of a vent that you’re not trying to blame your man for anything: You just want to talk about your problems to feel better about them. Further, you should show appreciation to your man for listening—for instance, by explicitly thanking him for doing so or by expressing happiness that he can be there for you.
Now that you know how a man shows love, what does this make you think about your past relationships?
Think about a long-term relationship that ended in the past. In what ways did your ex make you feel loved?
Did your ex use terms of endearment, provide for you, and protect you? How did these actions (or the lack of them) make you feel or think about your relationship?
How do you view your ex’s behavior differently now that you understand how men show love?
It’s easy to believe you’re doing everything right in a relationship and be confused when it ends. But are you sure you were doing the right things for your man?
What are some ways you try to show love in your relationships?
Do you believe your actions were successful in helping your past partners feel loved based on the information in this chapter? Why or why not?
What are some ways you could have expressed love more effectively in your past relationships?
How will you approach showing love to a partner in the future that differs from your past behavior?
In this second part of the guide, we’ll examine Harvey’s strategies for finding and keeping a man. In this chapter, we’ll specifically explore his tips for the first stage in any relationship: actually getting a man in the first place.
According to Harvey, the first thing to consider when you start to date a man is what he wants from you. Does he want to pursue you in the hopes of starting a relationship—or, is he just interested in sleeping with you? Harvey argues that in the vast majority of cases, it’s the latter scenario. Most men only want to have a fun, physical fling with you, and if you expect more from them—in other words, commitment—you’ll only be disappointed.
(Shortform note: Why might a man shy away from commitment and pursue only casual relationships? According to clinical psychologist Diana Kirschner, men who eschew commitment often do so out of fear. This fear can manifest in various ways, including fear of rejection, fear of not meeting expectations, or fear of revealing their flaws. Kirschner argues that these men may also fear that, if they get into a relationship, the woman will start to control and smother them, acting more like a second mother than a partner.)
Of course, Harvey notes, if you’re only looking for a casual fling or a one-night-stand—which is your prerogative—the fact that so many men only want sex isn’t a problem for you. You can date pretty much any man and be sure that you’ll get what you want. However, Harvey muses, what if you want a serious relationship? How do you spot the few men who want commitment in a sea of men who don’t?
According to Harvey, the key is to tell a man up front that you’re looking for commitment, not just fun. In most cases, if a man chooses to pursue you after you’ve told him this, he’s looking for a serious relationship, too. If he’s just looking for sex, he’ll probably leave you alone. Harvey emphasizes that being up-front in this way will save you a lot of pain—it’ll prevent you from wasting time and energy on a man who only sees you as a temporary fling.
In Harvey’s view, other signs that a man isn’t looking for commitment include:
More Ways to Tell Whether He Wants Sex or Commitment
Relationship experts are divided on the validity of Harvey’s signs that a man isn’t looking for commitment. For example, Cosmopolitan agrees that a man who shows up late without a good excuse or who won’t introduce you to his friends is likely uninterested in a serious relationship. Similarly, dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan argues that a man who’s not genuinely interested in your life doesn’t want a relationship, because he’s focusing on himself instead. However, waiting more than 24 hours to contact you following a date may be a strategy: Elle explains that some men follow the three-day rule, which states that they must wait three days before contacting you to avoid looking overeager.
But even if Harvey’s tips don’t always apply, there are other ways to tell whether someone wants to pursue a casual or a serious relationship with you.
For instance, if a man makes all of his compliments to you appearance-based, doesn’t take you on dates, and tries to make every conversation he has with you about sex, he probably just wants to sleep with you. Further, if, whenever he comes around to your place, he rushes to the bedroom—and gets frustrated if you tell him you want to do something other than have sex, like have dinner together—it’s likely that sex is all that’s on his mind.
Conversely, couples therapist Alisha Powell notes that if your man frequently reaches out just for the pleasure of talking to you, and, during conversation, opens up about his life experiences, worries, and goals, he’s committed to you.
We’ve discussed how to find out whether a man is interested in commitment—now, let’s explore how, in Harvey’s view, you can signal to men whether or not you’re in the market for a long-term relationship.
According to Harvey, the very first time you meet a man, he’ll begin to analyze how you look, act, and speak to figure out whether you’ve got the potential to be his long-term partner. For this reason, if you are looking for a relationship, it’s important to know how you should and shouldn’t present yourself so you give men the right impression. In the table below, you’ll find Harvey’s recommendations for how to behave—and not behave—if you want a man to see you as relationship material:
| Behaviors That Signal You Want a Relationship | Behaviors To Avoid If You Want a Relationship |
| Wearing clothes that are sexy, but modest | Wearing revealing clothes |
| Initiating deep conversations on a range of topics | Only making conversation to flirt |
| Being willing to meet, and be respectful to, a man’s friends and family | Refusing to meet a man’s friends and family |
| Keeping a cool head and being polite in times of conflict | Losing your temper and snapping in times of conflict |
| Making plans for the long-term | Making no plans beyond this weekend |
| Complimenting and appreciating your man for what he does right | Constantly complaining about what your man does wrong |
| Being loyal to your man | Keeping your eyes peeled for a “better” man than the one you’ve got |
| Enjoying a night out from time to time, but not too often | Partying to excess |