In Captivate, best-selling author Vanessa Van Edwards provides strategies to help you become a social superstar. She argues that by taking control of social situations and presenting your best self, you can dazzle the people you want to know and forge meaningful relationships.
A self-proclaimed “recovering awkward person,” Van Edwards has drawn on the research of social psychologists and counselors to develop strategies to make yourself magnetic, bring out the best in other people, and build strong relationships at home and work. Van Edwards, who as a child made facial flashcards to better understand human emotions, is a TEDx Talk presenter and founder of Science of People, a blog about how to master interpersonal skills.
In this guide, we present Van Edwards’s tips and strategies in two parts:
We also compare and contrast Van Edwards’s work with that of other relationship and social behavior experts and suggest additional ways to connect and enhance your relationships with people.
Van Edwards argues that to get other people to like and remember you, you have to appeal to their sensibilities and the similarities you share. You can do this by making social situations work for you and by making yourself likable and memorable.
Van Edwards says that getting people to like you begins with proactively setting the stage before you meet them. She recommends carefully selecting the places and events you attend, where and how you interact with people once you’re there, and the type of people you interact with. Doing these things will help you feel comfortable and project confidence, which other people respond to positively.
Van Edwards recommends making a list of all the settings you love, loathe, and feel okay about, then accept invitations in places you love, reject ones in places you loathe, and take time to consider the ones that are in the locations you feel "okay" in. For example, do you find bars loud and overwhelming? If so, they’re not the place to spend your time if you can avoid them, because you’ll probably be miserable and project a version of yourself that will repel others. Do you love the feel of an intimate coffeehouse? If so, go there, because you’ll feel in your element and will naturally project confidence that will attract others.
Once you’ve homed in on the type of settings where you function best, your second step is to increase your odds of having positive interactions with people in them.
Van Edwards recommends that you interact with people in the places and at the times when they’re most likely to be receptive to conversation. In general, this means approaching people once they’re settled in, not when they’re in transition—for example, arriving at or leaving an event, getting drinks at the bar, or using the bathroom. Van Edwards says the best locations and times to engage with people are:
After you’ve found the ideal place to approach people, your next step is to think about the types of people you want to form connections with. Van Edwards argues that you should only forge relationships with people who make you feel good, because when you’re surrounded by people who value and support you, you’re more likely to succeed. She asserts that you shouldn’t incorporate or tolerate toxic people in your life, as they’re a drain on your emotional resources.
To identify people you want to establish deeper connections with personally and professionally, Van Edwards recommends that you start by thinking about people currently in your life who value and support you, so you can be on the lookout for people with similar characteristics. These might be people who eagerly help you achieve your personal and professional goals, who you feel comfortable reaching out to in a time of crisis, or who simply make you feel good about yourself.
More Strategies to Navigate Social Situations
Avoiding toxic people and settings you loathe, and approaching people only once they are settled are practical strategies when you’re in control of the situation. But what if you have to be somewhere you hate? Is it possible to avoid toxic people completely? Here are a few more strategies that you can pair with Van Edwards’s advice so that you have the upper hand in any situation.
How to cope in settings you loathe: Van Edwards asserts that her tips for positioning yourself in the right place in the room and knowing which people to approach will help you navigate events in settings you loathe. However, you may benefit from having a few additional coping strategies as backup, such as staying focused on the reason you’re at the event, finding a spot to hide for a few minutes to compose yourself if you need a break, and promising yourself a reward after getting through it.)
How to make timing work for you: Though Van Edwards advises you to wait until people are fully settled to talk with them, not every event is the same, so you may benefit from being flexible in your strategy. For example, at industry conferences you can increase your chances of finding people who want to talk with you by arriving early to get one-on-one time with speakers, organizers, and panelists and inviting new people to join your conversation once you’ve established a connection with a group.
How to recognize toxic people: No matter where you go, Van Edwards’s recommendation that you steer clear of toxic people always holds—but how can you recognize them? Begin by paying attention to how each person you meet makes you feel and observing their behavior with others. Some red flags to look for:
If interactions with a particular person leave you feeling anxious, angry, manipulated, guilty, or bad about yourself
If you notice that drama follows this person like a shadow
If this person constantly judges other people and views everyone else as the problem
You’ve chosen the best locations to meet people and identified which people you should be meeting, so now you can focus on how to make the most of your first interactions. In this section, we’ll examine how to make people like and remember you by establishing trust, being an inquisitive conversationalist, showing interest, and being yourself.
Van Edwards asserts that people decide whether they trust and like us before we even speak, so it’s critical to make both happen immediately. She says you can increase the likelihood of a positive first interaction by making three simple adjustments to your physical behavior:
Use Gestures and Eye Contact Effectively
Van Edwards doesn’t specify the order in which you should establish trust and likability; however, body language expert Carol Kinsey Goman argues that when you’re giving a public presentation, you must first establish trust with your audience or it’ll be nearly impossible to get your message across to them—it’s not enough for the audience to simply like you. She builds on Van Edwards’s assertion that hand gestures play a critical role in garnering people’s trust, stating that your hand gestures and what you’re saying must be perfectly aligned for people to trust you. If the two are out of sync, people will subconsciously perceive deceit or uncertainty in you.
For example, you can signal candor and openness by showing and tilting your palms at a 45-degree angle, or demonstrate certainty by rotating your palms down. If you’re looking to center and ground yourself and your audience, keep your arms bent at a 45-degree angle and gesture within that horizontal plane while adopting a shoulder-width stance.
In addition to building trust through hand gestures, Van Edwards recommends making physical adjustments to your body to project confidence—a strategy worth employing not just because it makes you more likable, but because it leads to physiological changes that make you feel better by increasing testosterone and decreasing the chemical associated with stress and anxiety.
Finally, as you work to project trust and likability through physical adjustments, be mindful that making and holding eye contact can build trust in some situations but have negative connotations in others. For example, research shows that if you’re negotiating with someone, looking directly into their eyes can be perceived as a sign of competition and deceit. There are cultural considerations, as well: For example, making direct eye contact in some East Asian countries, such as Japan, is considered disrespectful.
Once you’ve built trust, you can focus on developing connections. Often, this connection begins with a memorable conversation. Van Edwards recommends grabbing people’s attention and getting them to talk about themselves by initiating unusual conversations and telling stories that are out of the ordinary.
Initiate Thought-Provoking Conversations
Van Edwards asserts that to make others like and remember you, you have to break out of the boring small talk mold and ignite interesting conversations that push people to think of new and different things. She explains that we’re most compelling to others when we’re unscripted, because novelty triggers activity in the part of the brain responsible for memory and learning and is linked to dopamine pathways that arouse pleasure and fuel interest.
To start novel conversations, you can ask questions that 1) people don’t expect, to shake them out of their rut, and 2) engage people by prompting them to talk about subjects they love and are excited to talk about. For example, “What’s the most exciting thing that happened to you today?” or “What’s the one thing you’re most looking forward to doing this year?”
(Shortform note: Van Edwards recommends using novel conversations to be memorable, but, but some research suggests that we prefer familiar topics to new ones because of the “novelty penalty.” This is a phenomenon in which the listener doesn’t have enough base knowledge or personal experience in the topic to be interested, so they mentally “check out” during the conversation. This is why a seemingly exciting topic, like volunteering abroad, might not actually spark an engaging conversation unless the listener has something to add.)
Tie Your Story Back to the Listener
Van Edwards says that telling interesting stories will enable you to deepen your engagement and forge connections with others because it lights up the same regions of your brains.
She says that great stories are no more than two to three minutes long and have three parts:
She recommends the following three-pronged approach for introducing and using stories to engage and fuel further conversation with people:
Van Edwards suggests having a stash of stories and questions on hand for different subjects that typically come up in casual conversation, such as current events, travel, or jobs.
When Telling Stories, Know Your Audience
Van Edwards lists “current events” as one of many subjects you could use as a launching pad to tell a story, but there’s reason to be mindful of which subjects you tell stories about in different settings. For example, some people suggest that you steer clear of talking politics at work to avoid creating divisions that can hurt otherwise productive relationships, lead to a hostile work environment, and isolate people.
You may also want to keep stories about politics to yourself if you work for a private company, where you have fewer free speech protections. Conversations that begin as seemingly harmless political discussions can be (and be perceived as) harassment, discrimination, and other federal workplace civil rights violations.
With this in mind, it’s probably best to pull stories from more lighthearted and universally appealing topics when at work.
You’ve grabbed people’s attention and gotten a conversation going. Next, you need to show that you find them compelling.
Van Edwards asserts that when you’re genuinely interested in other people, they find you interesting too because of the “reciprocity effect,” a phenomenon where we like being with people who clearly like us, and we mirror the positive behavior they display toward us.
Van Edwards recommends putting the reciprocity effect into action by interacting with people in ways you’d like them to interact with you.
The 3 Es: Engage, Encourage, and Elevate
Van Edwards states that engaging people in conversation, encouraging them to talk about themselves, and elevating them by boosting their strong points makes them feel good, which leads them to like and remember you. She cites research showing that talking about ourselves triggers the release of dopamine, which gives us pleasure and triggers our memory. Furthermore, receiving compliments improves our self image. She says you can reinforce the positive engage, encourage, and elevate loop by:
Optimize the 3 Es
The 3 Es provide a framework for sparking a lively conversation and getting people to like you. With some additional advice, you can fine-tune this framework and find even more success.
First, start with a compliment. Not only do people enjoy answering questions about themselves, research has found that the order in which you ask questions can lead them to have more positive feelings and engagement. When you lead with a question that highlights a positive aspect of the listener’s life and then follow up with a more general question, the brain of the person answering carries over the good feeling from the first question to the second. For example, if you ask someone, “How did you get so good at your job?” and then follow up with, “What do you think makes a customer open their marketing emails?” you are sure to get a more detailed and enthusiastic response to the second question.
Second, listen actively. How you respond to the answers people give is equally important to asking great questions. You can be an active listener by making a concerted effort to hear, understand, and respond thoughtfully to information that people share with you:
Focus on the person talking to you by putting down your cell phone and turning off the TV.
Demonstrate that you’re listening by making eye contact, nodding, and not interrupting.
Paraphrase or summarize the main points to show that you understand what they’ve shared with you.
Ask probing questions to get people to explain things in greater depth.
Show empathy and validate people by saying things like, “Yes, that makes sense,” or “That sounds really hard. How can I help?”
Third, lift them up. In addition to validating people by being an active listener, you can raise them up, which makes them feel better about themselves and you. When you praise people, you trigger a phenomenon known as “spontaneous trait transference,” which leads them to associate you with the positive adjectives you use to describe them—even when you don’t know them well. Introduce someone you just met as “warm and funny” to other people, and they’ll likely feel the warm and fuzzies for you.
Highlight Shared Connections
As is true with highlighting people’s best qualities, finding your similarities with others makes you more appealing to them. Van Edwards cites research showing that we like and get along more easily with people who agree and share common interests with us. You can take the following steps to identify and illuminate your similarities with others:
(Shortform note: Extensive research finds that we’re more attracted to people who are like us. A review of 313 studies with more than 35,000 participants found that similarity strongly predicted attraction at the onset of relationships. However, some psychologists contend that being too much alike can curb our attraction for others by stunting our need for personal growth.)
Van Edwards asserts that when you show your true self by being vulnerable, other people find you more likable, human, and relatable. She acknowledges that it can be hard to be vulnerable because nobody likes making mistakes and looking silly in front of other people. However, Van Edwards cites research that shows
Van Edwards recommends you show people your vulnerability by asking others for guidance, which lets them know that you don’t have the answers to everything, gives them a chance to share their expertise (which people like), and allows you to learn more about them. She also says you can be vulnerable by apologizing when you’re wrong, asking for forgiveness, and requesting and accepting small favors. For example, allow someone to treat you to a meal after sharing that you’ve had a tough week.
(Shortform note: In The Power of Vulnerability, Brené Brown argues that being vulnerable breaks down your emotional walls while increasing your empathy and creativity. She also says that vulnerability is essential to building trust between two people because you can’t understand another person’s motives, personality, or feelings without it.)
In Part 1 of this guide, you learned how to establish connections with people you’ve just met. Now, we’ll examine four of Van Edwards’s methods for getting to know people at a deeper level so you can enhance and improve your relationships.
Van Edwards presents and discusses Paul Ekman’s theory of seven universal facial expressions and says that when you know what they are, you can use them to determine if people are being honest.
Facial microexpressions are tiny, near imperceptible facial gestures that appear and disappear in less than a second and communicate one of the following seven emotions. The features of the seven microexpressions are:
Van Edwards recommends that you look for microexpressions in the following situations:
Van Edwards says that once you know how to identify the emotion that a microexpression reveals, you should acknowledge it and adjust your behavior to address it. She recommends you do the following:
Abusing Universal Facial Expressions
Since co-discovering the seven universal facial expressions, Paul Ekman asserts that he’s become aware of concerns about their misuse and warns that bad actors can use microexpressions to manipulate and exploit people, most often by invading their privacy and taking information without permission. The “information” being taken is primarily how the speaker feels. For example, if someone tells you that they like your shared boss, but their facial expression shows contempt instead, your sharing of that information can be deemed a violation and theft of their private thoughts. Ekman acknowledges that in some cases this is helpful (like a doctor recognizing signs of abuse in her patient), but in other cases it’s dangerous (such as in legal scenarios). In fact, it was the Department of Defense that brought this to Ekman’s attention.
Has the Concept of Universal Expressions Been Debunked?
One notable study determined that perceptions of emotion depend on cultural and conceptual contexts and aren’t universally consistent. In the study, participants from the US and Himba ethnic group were exposed to visual images and orally-translated stories to see if they identified the same emotions. When given the seven expressions to choose from, answers were fairly consistent among each group, but there were differences between the US participants and the Himba, which indicates a cultural distinction.
When the participants were not given a pool of answers to choose from, however, the consistency among the Himba dropped significantly. This indicates that there is a conceptual difference between the emotions as compared with the US participants, which challenges Ekman’s argument that humans innately demonstrate these expressions regardless of environment. You may also want to be wary of assuming that someone’s microexpression reveals the absolute truth of what they’re feeling, as some research challenges the notion of facial expression universality, finding that perceptions of emotion depend on cultural and conceptual contexts.
Now you know how to read people’s faces and use their microexpressions to better understand what they’re really feeling. Next we’ll examine how to identify and cater to people’s personality traits so you can communicate with them as effectively as possible.
Van Edwards presents the psychological trait theory that every person has five core personality traits and embodies more or less of each trait:
She argues that you can’t change and shouldn’t judge these traits, which influence how people operate and are likely to respond in different situations. She recommends that you instead accept people’s traits and adjust your behavior to adapt to them, which will allow you to either work with or around them in challenging situations.
Different Takes on Personality Traits
Some assert that the “Big Five” personality trait model that Van Edwards uses is the most scientifically valid and reliable, having been researched and used extensively by psychologists. However, others praise Thomas Erikson’s four color DISC model as also scientifically valid, easy to understand, and more practically applicable than the Big Five model because of the more general insights it offers.
In Surrounded by Idiots, Erikson argues that people’s personality traits fall into one of four color categories—red, yellow, green, and blue—which reflect whether they’re driven by the desire to Dominate, Inspire, be Stable, or Comply, respectively. The characteristics of each trait are as follows:
Red: Extroverted, ambitious, confident, thrill-seeking, hard-working, innovative
Yellow: Extroverted, optimistic, social, persuasive, entertaining, idealistic
Green: Introverted, helpful, easygoing, cooperative, regimented, patient
Blue: Introverted, obedient, organized, meticulous, cautious, private
Erikson’s DISC model is considered most useful in professional situations where interpersonal behavioral change is important, such as marketing and leadership, while the Big Five is considered better for individual personality assessments and counseling, and less helpful for understanding business, communication, and relationships.
To identify people’s key personality traits, Van Edwards says you can observe and analyze their body language, how they act, and what they say and write.
The trait openness reflects a person’s level of curiosity and creativity, as well as their interest in and willingness to try new things. They either prefer novelty or routine. For example, you can intuit that a colleague is more open if she enjoys trying new cuisines without knowing if she’ll like them, as opposed to sticking with tried and true meals over and over.You can cater to a more open personality type at work by encouraging them to tackle new projects that will pique their interest and challenge them.
(Shortform note: In Erikson’s DISC model, this trait would be most closely related to stability. Green and blue personalities crave predictability while red and yellow enjoy new and exciting experiences.)
The trait conscientiousness reflects a person’s level of discipline, organization, and reliability in managing tasks. They either prefer focusing on details and organizing or having looser structures and doing big-picture thinking. You can deduce that a colleague is more conscientious if everything in her cubicle is neatly organized and has its place, and less conscientious if her papers, books, shoes, and clothes are strewn about. You can play to the strengths of a more conscientious colleague by encouraging them to work on projects and tasks that require attention to detail and accuracy, like compiling lists of resources.
(Shortform note: In the DISC model, this trait would be most closely related to compliance. Blue personalities are the most compliant and detail-oriented, and yellow are the least.)
The trait extroversion reflects a person’s level of interest in engaging with people and the extent to which that engagement fuels or exhausts them. They either love being with people or need more alone time. You can reasonably guess that your coworker is more extroverted if she’s the life of every party, and that she’s less extroverted if she prefers hanging out with a few friends in a quiet park. You can meet the needs of a more extroverted coworker by encouraging them to engage in settings where they’ll have opportunities to interact with lots of people, like industry forums and conferences.
(Shortform note: In the DISC model, this trait would be most closely related to influence. Red and yellow personalities are extroverted, and yellows are the life of the party. Green and blue personalities lean toward introversion with greens preferring small groups and blues preferring solo activities.)
The trait agreeableness reflects the extent to which a person gets along with and is able to relate to others. They’re either more attuned to others’ experiences or more analytical in their approach to them. You can presume your colleague is more agreeable if, when you ask for her help with a project you’re struggling with, she says yes. You can presume that she’s less agreeable if she gives you her analysis of how you could have done your project differently or better. You can nurture a more agreeable colleague’s tendencies by encouraging them to pursue opportunities that allow them to tap into their ability to connect with others, like being a mentor for new hires.
(Shortform note: In the DISC model, green personalities are the most agreeable. They avoid conflict and are also the most empathetic of the personality types.)
The trait neuroticism reflects how a person manages and reacts to concerns and problems. They either worry a lot or don’t easily rattle. You can intuit that your colleague is more neurotic if they’re always preparing for the worst-case scenario, and less neurotic if they remain calm in the face of a storm. You can support a more neurotic coworker by asking what their biggest concern is about the project they’re working on, actively listening to their worries, and offering to help them address the challenge they’re facing.
(Shortform note: In the DISC model, blues are the most neurotic. Erikson says that while it might annoy others, pointing out problems is actually a strength of theirs, as it allows the team to fix small problems before they become big ones.)
You’ve learned to identify and play to people’s key personality traits, and now we’ll examine how to deepen your relationships by illuminating and interacting with people using their preferred form of communication.
Van Edwards presents and discusses Dr. Gary Chapman’s five “Love Languages,“ applying them to non-romantic relationships. She says we feel best when others communicate with us in the language we prefer. Knowing people’s love language helps you recognize what makes them feel most appreciated. Using this information, you can communicate with them in the way that will best serve your common goals. The five love languages are:
Van Edwards offers a few ways to identify other people’s love languages:
Keep Perspective on the Five Love Languages
Though the five love languages are popular and widely used in psychological circles in American culture, some warn that people are misusing them—to the detriment of their relationships—in four key ways:
To keep score: The five love languages weren’t intended to be used by people to keep a mental tally of how much their partner or others use or fail to use their preferred language.
To the exclusion of active listening: Love languages can evolve, so it’s important to always listen actively to stay attuned to people’s changing needs.
As the be-all-end-all key to happiness: You shouldn’t expect or rely on others to always meet your needs in the exact way you want them met.
As a universal fix to all problems: The love languages can’t solve everything, including toxic behavior.
After learning about personality traits and love languages, the last thing we’ll explore is how to identify what people most value in life and how to use that information to strengthen your relationships.
Van Edwards presents and discusses the work of social psychologist Uriel G. Foa, arguing that each person has six primary resource needs stemming from childhood:
Van Edwards asserts that each of us values and prioritizes one resource need above all others, and that this resource drives our behavior. When you know which resource people value most, you can use that to motivate them, make them feel validated, and strengthen your relationship with them.
To identify people’s top value, Van Edwards says you can listen for the things they consistently gripe or boast about, observe their behavior, and look for microexpressions and body language that communicate how they feel.
A person who values love the most may give hugs to everyone and desire acceptance from others. You can validate her need for love by sending her texts or notes saying you’re thinking of her.
A person who values service may be the go-to organizer of baby showers and fundraisers, and she may long for others to care for her. You can validate her need to have things done for her by organizing a surprise birthday party for her.
A person who values status the most may continually complain that her bowling league didn’t award her a trophy for winning her match and wish for others to recognize her. You can validate her need for status by acknowledging her publicly in a positive way.
A person who values money the most may constantly brag about the bonus she got and prioritize her finances. You can validate her need for currency by telling her that the bonus she got was well-deserved.
A person who values goods may collect swag like it’s gold and want material items. You can validate her need for material items by surprising her with small gifts.
A person who values information may conduct relentless Google searches of everything from potential dates to medical conditions to how to train dogs, and she may seek to be taught or guided. You can validate her need for information by getting her a subscription to a magazine or journal she might find of particular interest.
Address Unmet Childhood Needs Head On
Van Edwards asserts that the primary resource people value is often the thing they most long for and didn’t get in childhood, and she recommends identifying and catering to those needs. However, some suggest that feeding the chasm those voids left is not enough—you should also work to heal them.
You can help people address unmet childhood needs by encouraging them to give themselves the love, praise, and feeling of being cared for that they desire and mourn the loss of what they didn’t receive. You can also remind them of their ability to develop helpful coping skills to address what they lack.
Whether someone regularly chooses toxic partners and friends because they didn’t get the love and care they needed as a child, feels empty inside because they didn’t receive validation that things they did were worthy of recognition, or struggles with impulsivity and control issues because they grew up without money, the more you can help them address the challenges they face, the healthier and better able they’ll be to engage in healthy ways with you and others.
Van Edwards says that the key to establishing and deepening your relationships with people is proactively setting yourself up for positive interactions, making yourself likable and memorable, and playing to other people’s traits.
Think of a time you had to go to an event where you didn’t know anyone and you felt uncomfortable and unsure of yourself. What could you do next time to make that event go more smoothly? For example, is there a better location you could choose for striking up conversation?
Reflect on a time when you met someone new and felt like your conversation went poorly. What are two things you could do to make that conversation go better next time? For example, could you be a better listener or use an engaging story?
Think of someone in your life that you wish to understand at a deeper level. How could you use love languages, personality traits, or values to get to know them better?