Emotional intelligence (EQ) is your ability to recognize your emotions as well as the emotions of those around you, and your ability to use those emotions to develop your behavior and relationships. Unlike traits such as IQ or personality, you can develop EQ through practice and persistence.
Reason #1: EQ helps you process your emotions. Your brain is designed to prioritize emotions. Therefore, before you can have a rational thought, you have to process your feelings. Though many of your emotional responses may seem minor, they’re important because these reactions develop patterns of behavior.
Reason #2: EQ helps you manage triggers. Triggers are events that produce a significant emotional response. Triggers can cloud your judgment and prevent your rational brain from informing your decisions. High EQ skills allow you to recognize your triggers and avoid or effectively handle them.
Reason #3: EQ helps you control your thoughts and develop healthy habits. You don’t have direct control over your emotions, especially when something triggers them. However, you do have control over your thoughts. You can calm yourself down and handle your emotions by thinking about perspective, timing, and other EQ skills.
Reason #4: EQ helps you succeed. High EQ develops skills that directly correlate to success, such as navigating complex situations and keeping calm under pressure. One study found that:
You can develop a high EQ by developing the four pillars of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.
Self-awareness is your ability to identify your emotions as they occur and recognize your tendencies during different scenarios.
People with high levels of self-awareness:
Tactic #2: Find the reason behind your emotion. Emotions act as a guide, pointing out things in your psyche or surroundings that you may not recognize otherwise. Assess why you're feeling what you're feeling. This helps you resolve any problems or tensions that are causing unwanted feelings.
For example, you feel unfulfilled in your career but don’t want to deal with that emotion, so you try to push your feelings away by relying on constant external validation to provide you with fulfillment. Though this validation may give you a temporary reprieve, it doesn’t get to the core of why you feel the way you do. It essentially puts a band-aid over a deeper emotional wound that you need to eventually deal with.
Tactic #4: Don’t identify your emotions as “good” or “bad.” Emotions aren’t “good” or “bad.” Judging a feeling only puts more emotions (such as shame or pride) on top of that feeling. This keeps your original emotion from developing and muddies your current emotional state.
Tactic #5: Know your triggers. Everyone has people and behaviors that push their buttons. Knowing what triggers you allows you to strategize for those situations. Be specific when noting your triggers. Identify people, activities, and environments that irk you. Then, mentally prepare yourself for the situation.
Tactic #6: Be specific about the message you send to the world. The clothes you wear, your physical demeanor, and your facial expressions all send specific messages and usually reflect your internal emotions. Understand the message your demeanor and appearance sends. This will help you understand why people interact with you the way that they do.
For example, if you go to work wearing dirty clothes and unkempt hair, people may assume that you don’t take your job seriously. For another example, if you don’t talk to anyone in your office throughout the workday, people may assume that you don’t want to be there.
Tactic #7: Invite feedback. When it comes to examining your behavior, you're inherently biased. Reach out to other people to get a truly objective picture of yourself and the ways you respond to certain situations or people.
After you’ve strengthened your self-awareness skills, you can begin to develop self-management. Self-management is the ability to use your self-awareness to manage your emotions and stay in control of your behavior.
People with high-levels of self-management:
Tactic #1: Focus on your breath. Your brain requires oxygen to function properly. Especially when stressed, people don’t breathe deeply enough, robbing the brain of valuable oxygen. When the brain lacks oxygen, it prioritizes basic needs (such as touch or sight) over complex processes (such as thought or emotion). When you take deep breaths, your rational brain engages and your body calms down.
Tactic #2: Develop a reason vs. emotion list. To make decisions clearer, make a two-column list. On one side, list what your emotional brain wants you to do, and, on the other, list what your rational brain wants you to do. Once you complete your list, compare the two sides and ask yourself two questions:
Tactic #3: Take time before you react. If you respond to emotionally charged situations too quickly, your feelings become the driving force behind your words, and, often, lead you to say or do things that don’t align with your intentions. Instead, step away from the situation before responding. This gives you a clearer perspective on the situation and helps you make logical choices instead of emotional ones.
Tactic #4: Sleep better. Most people don’t sleep effectively, denying their brain a full recharge. Self-management requires focus, energy, and clarity—all of which rely on the brain working as efficiently as possible. To get restful sleep, turn off your electronics two hours before bed and only use your bed for sleeping.
Tactic #5: Schedule time to exercise. Exercise increases blood flow and overall fitness. It releases chemicals into your brain that help recharge your mental battery and strengthen areas of your brain that correlate to decision-making, rationality, and organization. Schedule specific time to commit to some form of physical activity and stick to it. Ideally, these activities should be active and vigorous, but any form of exercise will yield results.
Tactic #6: Publicize your goals. When creating goals for yourself, have other people hold you accountable. It’s much easier to abandon your goals when no one else knows about them. When you publicize your goals, the people around you will watch after you and help you make decisions to get you to achieve your objective.
For example, you’re trying to start a diet, but you had a stressful day and don’t want to cook. Ordering a pizza is tempting. If no one holds you accountable, there’s a good chance you’ll dial your local pizza joint. However, if someone at home knows about your diet, they can help keep you from making choices that disrupt your current goals.
Tactic #7: Keep your “self-talk” positive. “Self-talk” is your inner voice and has a major impact on your emotional state. If you keep your self-talk positive, it can get you through challenges and help support you throughout your day. However, if you let your self-talk become negative, it can ruin a good mood and quickly make your day miserable.
Once you have the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, you can begin to develop social awareness. Social awareness is the ability to identify emotions in other people and understand the reasons behind them.
People with high levels of social awareness:
Tactic #1: Listen attentively. Listening isn’t just about hearing words. Tone, volume, and pacing all signal subtext and emotion (for instance, if a person speaks quickly and quietly, they may be intimidated). Stay focused on the conversation at hand. Half-focused listening prevents you from picking up important information and makes the other person feel disrespected.
Tactic #2: Learn the rules of your environment. Learn how your company operates and what their expectations are. Also, learn the culture and background of your co-workers. If you don’t, you may find yourself at odds with your environment, making your job more difficult.
For example, if you typically listen to music while you work, check in with your colleagues to see what the standards of the company are. This ensures that you’re behaving appropriately and shows that you care about the rules of the organization.
Tactic #3: Practice empathy. Looking at a situation from someone else’s point of view helps you understand their behaviors, gives you the tools to more effectively interact with that person, and identifies issues before they develop. When trying to step into someone else’s shoes:
Tactic #4: Observe body language. Body language provides subtextual information that can reveal a person’s emotional state (for example, if someone can’t keep eye contact with you, they may be uncomfortable or lying). This allows you to make more informed decisions when interacting with them. Key emotional indicators include the behavior of someone’s eyes, the authenticity of their smile, and the tension in their body
Tactic #5: Live in the moment. Though reflecting on the past and planning for the future are both necessary exercises, allowing them to dictate your day-to-day behavior prevents you from observing and interacting with your surroundings. Keep your head clear by staying focused on the present moment. If you find yourself drifting mentally, try to snap yourself back. This will help you make more effective connections and deepen interactions with those around you.
Tactic #6: Make sure the time is right. If you make requests or observations at the wrong time, the person you're speaking with likely won’t respond well. To ensure proper timing, keep the emotional state of the other person in mind. If they’re clearly angry or distraught, frame your question in a way that will not further upset them or find a better time to approach them with your issues.
Tactic #7: Read the room. Once you’ve mastered reading the emotions of individuals, you can start to catch onto the mood of entire rooms. This allows you to give your input in an appropriate and well-timed manner.
Once you have a handle on your own emotions and can recognize the emotions of the people around you, you can begin to develop relationship management. Relationship management is the use of your self- and social awareness to develop your relationships with other people.
People with high levels of relationship management:
Tactic #1: Be open and take an interest. When you willingly share things about yourself, it clarifies why you behave the way that you do and minimizes the opportunity for misunderstanding. Also, taking an interest in the lives of others helps you understand their choices and ensures that you don’t misinterpret their behaviors.
Tactic #2: Embrace feedback. Having someone point out errors or areas of improvement can lead to intense emotional responses. However, feedback is essential to development and requires that you hear it without letting your emotions get in the way. Think about the purpose of the feedback, listen attentively, and take time to process the information.
Tactic #3: Improve your communication style. Your natural style of communication dictates how others perceive you. If the way you talk does not reflect your intentions, others may not understand what you’re trying to communicate and may misjudge you. For example, if you typically state things bluntly, people may think that you’re rude, even if your intention is just to be clear. Think about the upsides and downsides of the way you currently communicate and adjust your approach accordingly.
Tactic #4: Explain your choices. People fear what they don’t understand. If you leave people in the dark, they may not understand why you’ve made a decision, leading to frustration and/or anxiety. When explaining your decision, acknowledge any alternative routes, show your thought process, then explain the ways your decision will impact everyone.
Tactic #5: Respect the emotions of others. If you try to negate or ignore what they’re feeling, they won’t respond well. Use your listening skills, ask what you can do to help, and be empathetic. This validates how the person is feeling without exaggerating or exacerbating their emotional state.
Tactic #6: Show your appreciation. Little shows of appreciation can go a long way. When someone does good work, praise them. When they go the extra mile, acknowledge it. Even if it’s something as small as buying someone lunch or leaving a thank you note, small gestures let the people around you know that you see the work that they’re doing and that you appreciate it.
Tactic #7: Respond appropriately. This requires you to read the situation, recognize the emotions of the other person, and assure them that you believe what they’re feeling is important.
For instance, you’re working in customer service. An annoyed customer throws a broken item on the counter and angrily demands an immediate replacement as she needs it for an event. Rather than reflect her rude demeanor, you apologize for the product not working and tell her that you will work to get her that replacement as quickly as possible. The customer appreciates that you’re taking her claim seriously and begins to calm down.
Human beings possess three defining characteristics: cognitive intelligence (IQ), personality, and emotional intelligence (EQ):
For many years, people have correlated cognitive intelligence (IQ) with success in the workplace. However, workers with the highest IQs rarely outperform their colleagues with average IQs. In fact, people with average IQs outperform those with high IQs 70% of the time. If IQ is not a determining factor of success in the workplace, what is? Research now points to EQ.
Reason #1: EQ helps you process your emotions. You have emotional responses to almost everything you experience in your day-to-day life. Though many of your responses may seem minor, they’re important because your reactions develop into patterns of behavior.
Your brain is designed to prioritize emotions. Any time you interact with anything in the world, electrical signals travel through your body to the brain. Once these signals reach the brain, they first travel through the limbic system, the brain’s emotional center, on their journey to the frontal lobe, the brain’s logical center. Therefore, before you can have a rational thought, you have to process your emotions.
Reason #2: EQ helps you manage triggers and avoid emotional hijacking. Triggers are events that produce a significant emotional response. When this response controls your behavior, it’s known as an emotional hijacking:
Emotional hijacking clouds your judgement and does not give your rational brain the chance to inform your decisions. High EQ skills allow you to recognize your triggers and avoid or effectively handle them.
(Shortform note: Read more about emotional hijacking and the importance of EQ in our summary of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence here.)
Reason #3: EQ helps you control your thoughts and develop healthy habits. You don’t have direct control over your emotions, especially when something triggers them. However, you do have control over your thoughts. You can calm yourself down and handle your emotions by thinking about perspective, timing, and other EQ skills.
Reason #4: EQ helps you succeed. High EQ develops skills that directly correlate to success (such as navigating complex situations and keeping calm under pressure). One study found that:
Though both IQ and personality develop in early childhood and don’t change throughout one’s lifetime, you can develop EQ through practice and persistence. Much like a muscle when you work out, the brain creates new neural pathways when you practice EQ skills. Though you may feel challenged at first, persistence will make practicing emotional intelligence easier and habitual.
For example, if someone makes you angry, you may currently have the urge to scream. At first, you’ll struggle to use your EQ skills to resist the urge. However, if you use these skills long enough, they’ll eventually develop into habits, and you’ll no longer be tempted to blow up.
You can build EQ by developing two different competencies: personal competence and social competence.
First, you need to develop personal competence. Personal competence is your ability to manage your own emotions and tendencies. There are two steps to personal competence: self-awareness and self-management.
Once you’ve developed personal competence, the next step in developing a higher EQ is social competence. Social competence is your ability to interact with people effectively. There are two steps to develop social competence: social awareness and relationship management.
Each step builds upon the previous one. Each chapter will cover one of the four steps and will give you tactics to help you implement them into your day-to-day life.
Fun Facts about EQ:
The average EQ of working people in the United States increased by 3-4% between 2003-2008, when EQ became a focus of America’s workforce (with the only dip in growth occurring in 2008, likely due to the economic recession). This shows that awareness and development of EQ skills yield significant results.
On average, CEOs have the lowest EQ in the workplace while middle management typically has the highest. This is because CEOs and higher-level management tend to interact with their workforce less than middle management.
Chinese workers tend to have a higher EQ than American workers. This is because business leaders in China tend to make business personal by scheduling dinners with their employees, having meetings to talk with their employees about their personal lives, and setting an example on how to connect with colleagues.
A 2003 study showed that women typically have better self-management, social awareness, and relationship management skills. The only EQ area where men typically do better than women is self-awareness. Since then, men have caught up in self-management, but still lag behind women in both facets of social competence. This is likely due to the fact that, until recently, men have been told that their emotions are signs of weakness instead of important tools.
Younger people tend to have lower self-management scores than older people. This is because experience comes with age. The more experience you have, the better equipped you are to handle your emotions.
The first step to developing personal competence is self-awareness. Self-awareness is your ability to identify your emotions as they occur and recognize your tendencies during different scenarios.
People with high levels of self-awareness:
| When Self-Awareness is Present | When Self-Awareness is Absent | |
| Perspective | You put your emotions into perspective, leading to increased satisfaction. | Without perspective, emotions get overwhelming, leading to high levels of stress and frustration. |
| Collaboration | You recognize when your emotions are impacting your work and that of the people around you and adjust accordingly. | You push your own emotions onto other people, causing higher levels of tension and stress amongst your team as a whole. |
| Decision-Making | You make well-thought-out choices because emotions don’t cloud your judgement. | You make poor decisions as triggers lead to reactive choices. |
Tactic #1: Understand the physical effects of your emotions. Close your eyes and examine different physical factors such as your heartbeat, breath, and muscle tension. Then, recall a memory that elicits a strong emotional response. Notice the way your body changes (you may notice that excitement causes your stomach to tighten, anger leads you to clench your jaw, or fear makes your legs shake). Recognizing physical responses allows you to quickly identify your emotions in your day-to-day life.
Tactic #2: Recognize your emotions in art. If you struggle to identify emotional tendencies, look to music, books, and movies to find material that you connect to. People resonate with material that reflects their emotional state. Sometimes, it's challenging to put your emotions into words, and exploring art may help you communicate feelings that you previously were unable to express. Find a specific moment in your favorite movie, TV show, or book and observe the emotions and behaviors of the character in that moment. Then, ask yourself:
Tactic #3: Notice how you behave when stressed. Use that information to determine when you need to recharge. For example, during stressful situations, you may get knots in your stomach. This is a message from your body telling you to take a moment to relax. If you ignore the physical signs of stress, they could get worse, resulting in a headache or ulcer.
Tactic #4: Find the reason behind your emotion. Emotions act as a guide, pointing out things in your psyche or surroundings that you may not recognize otherwise. Assess why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. This helps you resolve any problems or tensions that are causing unwanted feelings. Questions to ask yourself include:
Tactic #5: Don’t identify your emotions as “good” or “bad.” Emotions aren’t “good” or “bad.” Judging a feeling only puts more emotions (such as shame or pride) on top of that feeling. This keeps your original emotion from developing and muddies your current emotional state. When you feel an emotional reaction coming to the surface, identify it and reserve judgement. This lets the emotion to arise and fade away without further complication.
For example, you’re frustrated with an assignment at work and immediately label that emotion as bad. This introduces new negative emotions into the mix. You may feel guilty for having a “bad” emotion towards work that you enjoy. You may get angry that you’re allowing yourself to get frustrated. Rather than just letting the frustration emerge and move on, you’re complicating your situation and lengthening the amount of time that it will take for your emotions to settle.
Tactic #6: Don’t let a “bad mood” dictate your behavior or decisions. If you allow your mood to cloud your perspective, you can lose control of your emotions and spiral quickly. When a bad mood arises, remind yourself that this mood is temporary. If you allow your bad mood to run its course, it will pass eventually. When in a bad mood, try not to make important decisions as your emotional state will likely influence your decision-making process.
Tactic #7: Don’t let a “good mood” dictate your behavior or decisions. Good moods can corrupt your perspective just as much as bad moods. Good moods create rose-colored glasses that prevent you from objectively assessing decisions and may lead you to rush into things without thinking them through.
For instance, your favorite online retailer is running a 50% off sale. You excitedly add things to your cart and click the order button without thinking about it. However, once you look at your bank account and realize that you should not have spent that money on online purchases, reality comes crashing back in.
Tactic #8: Know your triggers. Everyone has people and behaviors that push their buttons. Knowing what sparks an emotional response from you allows you to strategize for those situations. Be specific when noting your triggers. Identify people, activities, and environments that irk you. Then, mentally prepare yourself for those situations.
To take this to the next level, begin to explore the roots of your frustration. This helps you control your reactions when emotions arise. Ask yourself:
For example, you have a co-worker who tries to make a joke of everything in a meeting. If you’re the type who wants to stay professional and focused in the workplace, this may annoy or frustrate you. If you haven’t prepared yourself for the situation, you may allow your emotions to get the best of you and snap at your colleague.
Tactic #9: Keep a journal of your triggers and emotions. Write down triggers as you discover them. Then, write down what emotional responses these types of situations create. This allows you to look back at past events and recognize patterns.These patterns help you develop a clearer sense of what elicits a strong emotional response from you and how you can better handle your triggers in the future.
Tactic #10: Be specific about the message you send to the world. The clothes you wear, your physical demeanor, and your facial expressions all send specific messages and usually reflect your internal emotions. These messages determine how colleagues (particularly acquaintances) will interact with you. Ask yourself:
For example, if you go to work wearing dirty clothes and unkempt hair, people may assume that you don’t take your job seriously. Similarly, if you don’t talk to anyone in your office throughout the workday, people may assume that you don’t want to be there.
Tactic #11: Acknowledge the “ripple effect” of your emotions. Your behavior affects everyone around you, even the people you don’t intend to influence. You can use your emotions as tools for growth or weapons for destruction. Observe how your behavior affects everyone around you and use those observations to guide your behavior.
For instance, you’re a manager at a restaurant. A waitress drops a glass, even though you just spoke to your team about being more careful. You scream at her in front of the wait staff, thinking that you’re making an example of her. While you may think that you’ve developed a sense of caution around carrying glassware, you may have also inadvertently created communal fear throughout your team that leads to drops in morale and productivity.
Tactic #12: View situations and your behavior objectively. Objectivity allows you to view a situation without the lens of emotion and determine the best way to ensure a positive result. Take time to step away from an emotional or heated situation and allow your feelings to settle. Once your feelings have subsided, take in all of the information surrounding the situation and make a decision based on logic.
For instance, you told your daughter to be home by 10. It’s now 11, and she still isn’t home. Your anger may begin to fester as you prepare to reprimand her for missing her curfew. Underneath your anger, however, is genuine concern. If you don’t take a moment to objectively think about the best route forward, you may go off on her, causing disdain and conflict. On the other hand, if you take a moment to survey the situation, you may build connection and empathy by leading with your concern for her, breaking down why you’re upset, and explaining the reasons behind your curfew rule.
Tactic #13: Respect your values. It's easy to lose sight of your core values when life gets busy. If you allow emotions to overwhelm your beliefs in these moments, you’ll make decisions that don’t reflect the ideals you hold dear.
Think about your core values and state them explicitly. This will force you to solidify your central beliefs. Once you know your guiding principles, determine how you can make decisions that reflect these ideals. With enough practice, you’ll be able to hold yourself accountable and make value-driven decisions even when experiencing extreme emotions.
(Shortform note: Core values may include showing compassion, being a dependable colleague, putting your family first, fighting for your friends, pursuing your passion, and so on.)
Tactic #14: Embrace discomfort. Avoiding painful feelings only creates a short-term solution and exacerbates problems further down the line. Instead of ignoring an emotion, dive into it and work through it. Embracing an uncomfortable emotion and understanding where it comes from allows you to identify negative behaviors and the reason behind your discomfort. Once you understand why you’re uncomfortable, you can handle the uncomfortable emotion more effectively.
For example, you feel unfulfilled in your career but don’t want to deal with that emotion, so you try to push your feelings away by relying on constant external validation to provide you with fulfillment. Though this validation may give you a temporary reprieve, it essentially puts a band-aid over a deeper emotional wound that you need to eventually deal with.
Tactic #15: Invite feedback. When it comes to examining your behavior, you're inherently biased. You look at your choices and emotions through the lens of personal experiences, values, and tendencies. To develop a truly objective picture of yourself, reach out to other people to get an outside perspective on the ways you respond to certain situations or people.
Understanding how your body responds to emotions allows you to identify your feelings as they emerge. Use this exercise to explore the ways your body responds to different emotional stimuli.
Close your eyes for a minute or two and begin to observe the sensations throughout your body. Are you breathing deeply or shallowly? Are you tense? If so, where? How fast is your heart beating? List the physical sensations you're experiencing. Be specific.
What do these physical sensations tell you about your current emotional state?
Now, think of a trigger that evokes a negative emotional response from you. This can be a pet peeve or an interaction with a person you can’t stand. Close your eyes for a minute or two and think about the trigger. As you do, observe the sensations throughout your body. What are they?
Knowing your core values allows you to make rational decisions based upon your beliefs rather than in-the-moment reactions. Use this exercise to solidify your core values and identify behaviors that go against your beliefs.
What are the core values that guide you? Examples of core values include: showing compassion, being a dependable colleague, putting your family first, fighting for your friends, pursuing your passion, and so on. List 2-5 of your core values.
Now, think about a recent time when you acted or spoke in a way that you're not proud of. Describe it.
Compare this event to your core values. Does your action reflect what you believe? If not, how could you have approached the situation differently to align your actions with your beliefs?
After you’ve strengthened your self-awareness skills, you can begin to develop the second step of personal competence: self-management. Self-management is the ability to use your self-awareness to manage your emotions and stay in control of your behavior.
People with high-levels of self-management:
| When Self-Management is Present | When Self-Management is Absent | |
| Confrontation | You remain calm during adversarial or heated situations regardless of your personal feelings. | You allow your emotions to get the best of you and say insensitive or offensive things in the heat of the moment. |
| Reactive Behavior | You take time to find the best long-term solutions instead of making decisions based on emotional reactions. | You make decisions based upon your immediate reaction—even if your solution is not the most effective. |
| Flexibility | You embrace feedback by putting insecurity aside and working to improve or adjust your input. | When given feedback, you get stuck in your insecurity and grow defensive. |
Tactic #1: Focus on your breath. Your brain requires oxygen to function properly. Especially when stressed, people don’t breathe deeply enough throughout their day, robbing the brain of valuable oxygen. When the brain lacks oxygen, it prioritizes basic needs (such as touch or sight) over complex processes (such as thought or emotion). When you take deep breaths, your rational brain engages and your body calms down. To breathe properly:
Tactic #2: Count to ten. When you feel yourself getting frustrated, breathe and count to ten. This gives your body a chance to calm down and your brain a moment to develop a rational outlook on the situation. Without this moment to calm down, emotions often dictate your behavior, leading to biting remarks that can incite arguments. In these scenarios, no one thinks rationally or works effectively.
In situations where you can’t reasonably stay silent for ten seconds straight (a one-on-one meeting or discussion), find subtle ways to give yourself a moment to breathe. For example, you could bring a beverage to the meeting. When you feel emotions begin to rise, drink your beverage and begin to count. Taking a moment or two to collect your thoughts allows you to more effectively assess your surroundings and lets you think before you speak.
Tactic #3: Take time before you respond. Patience is a key factor to staying in control of your emotions and making rational decisions. If you respond to emotionally charged situations too quickly, emotions become the driving force behind your words, and, often, lead you to say or do things that don’t align with your intentions. Step away from the situation for a while before responding, ideally a day or longer. This gives you a clearer perspective on the situation, allowing you to make logical choices instead of emotional ones.
Tactic #4: Stay in control of your body language. When you manage your emotions, your body language will remain calm and collected, reflecting your control of the situation. When your emotions begin to take the reins, you lose control over your body language. When you find yourself beginning to lose control, turn your focus away from your emotional state and towards the task at hand.
If you notice that you think you’re feeling one way, but your body is indicating a different emotion, take a moment to investigate why your body is reacting the way that it is. Is something in your surroundings stressing you out? Did someone enter the room that you can’t stand? Once you understand why your body is reacting the way that it is, you can better align your emotions with your body language.
For instance, you’re giving a speech, and the teleprompter turns off mid-way through your address. You begin to panic:
If you’re in control of your emotions, you may take a deep breath, think about the topic you’re discussing, and continue on as if nothing has happened. You stay in control of your body and finish the speech.
If your emotions begin to overwhelm you, you may begin to stutter and your knees may begin to shake. If you can’t manage the emerging panic, it may disrupt the rest of your speech as you lose control of your body and ability to think clearly.
Tactic #5: Develop a reason vs. emotion list. People often struggle to make decisions when their emotional brain and their rational brain tell them to do different things. When emotion sways your decision-making process, your feelings may cloud your judgment. At the same time, emotions often indicate important things about your surroundings that your rational brain may try to ignore.
To make decisions clearer, make a two-column list. On one side, list what your emotional brain wants you to do, and, on the other, list what your rational brain wants you to do. Once you complete your list, compare the two sides and ask yourself two questions:
Tactic #6: Dedicate time to problem-solving. Life gets busy, and it’s challenging to find time in a full schedule to think through decisions before making them. To remedy this, schedule 15 minutes a day to walk away from your work and problem-solve particular issues. This will help you to make clearer choices and ensure that your feelings aren’t swaying your decision-making process.
Tactic #7: Laugh and smile. The act of laughing and smiling sends signals to your brain that say, “I am happy.” Even if you’re frustrated, smiling will help counteract negative feelings and allow you to get through the moment. Also, when you’re feeling down, find material that you find enjoyable or funny. Listening to a song, watching a funny movie, or reading an enjoyable book help alleviate negative emotions.
Tactic #8: Schedule time to exercise. Exercise increases blood flow and overall fitness. It releases chemicals into your brain that help recharge your mental battery and strengthen areas of your brain that correlate to decision-making, rationality, and organization. When you overload your schedule, you often leave yourself no time to get exercise.
To help with this issue, schedule specific time to commit to some form of physical activity and stick to it. Ideally, these activities should be active and vigorous, but any form of exercise will yield results. These activities can include:
Tactic #9: Sleep better. Most people do not sleep effectively, denying their brain a full recharge. Self-management requires focus, energy, and clarity—all of which rely on the brain working as efficiently as possible. To ensure you're getting restful sleep:
Tactic #10: Talk with a third party. When you’re in the midst of a challenging situation, it’s hard to see the bigger picture. Get an unbiased outside perspective to help you keep things objective and rational as you decipher your emotions and determine the best route forward. When possible, get advice from a skilled self-manager. Ask them about the methods they use to handle their emotions, then try to implement some of their suggestions into your day-to-day life.
Tactic #11: Publicize your goals. Working towards goals can be stressful. This stress often makes people abandon their objectives before they achieve them, especially when no one knows about them. When creating goals for yourself, share them and ask other people to hold you accountable. This gives you a support system to motivate you when faced with emotional obstacles that make you want to quit.
For example, you’re trying to start a diet, but you had a stressful day and don’t want to cook. Ordering a pizza is tempting. If no one holds you accountable, there’s a good chance you’ll dial your local pizza joint. However, if someone at home knows about your diet, they can help keep you from making choices that disrupt your current goals.
Tactic #12: Learn from everyone. You can learn something from every encounter—even if the encounter is negative. In every situation, you can learn something about how your emotions work and what causes certain feelings to arise.
For instance, you just finished a major project that you’ve been working on for weeks. You show it to your supervisor who looks at it and immediately begins to tear it apart, finding every flaw you missed. You get overwhelmed as they continue to list issues. While the interaction may be frustrating, it also comes with an opportunity to investigate why you get defensive when given feedback:
Is it an issue with the person giving the feedback?
Is it the way in which they gave you the feedback?
Is it because you poured a lot of effort into the project?
These questions will help you discover the reasoning behind your emotions and give you the information necessary to manage those feelings.
Tactic #13: Keep your “self-talk” positive. “Self-talk” is your inner voice and has a major impact on your emotional state. You talk to yourself every day: praising yourself for accomplishing tasks, admonishing yourself for making mistakes, and so on. If you keep your self-talk positive, it can get you through challenges and help support you throughout your day. However, if you let your self-talk become negative, it can ruin a good mood and quickly make your day miserable. To avoid negativity and take control of your self-talk:
Tactic #14: Focus on your freedom, not your limitation. Focusing on what you can’t do creates a feeling of helplessness that produces negative emotions. Conversely, focusing on what you can do or control allows you to remain calm and collected regardless of the situation.
For example, you just found out that your boss has put you onto a team with someone you can’t stand named Becky. You know that you cannot get yourself or Becky off the team. If you focus upon your restriction (you have no control over the composition of the team), you may quickly grow resentful or anxious. However, if you try to focus on what you can control (emotional preparation for dealing with Becky, physical preparation for the project itself, and so on), you notice that you have more power than you thought and come into the project collected and ready to work.
Tactic #15: Visualize self-management. Your brain has a hard time distinguishing between what your eyes actually see and what you visualize in your brain. When you visualize scenarios in which you successfully manage your emotions, new neural pathways develop in the same way that they would if the scenario were actually playing out in reality. This allows you to practice different management strategies, even when the opportunities may not arise frequently. When visualizing:
Tactic #16: Be prepared for change. While you cannot always control when or how things change, you can emotionally prepare for change. This anticipation will keep you from falling prey to sudden emotions such as surprise, fear, or disappointment. Take a few minutes each week to contemplate potential upcoming changes and how you could handle each of those situations should they arise.
Differentiating between your emotional and rational brain will help you discover the best route forward when faced with a difficult situation. Use this exercise to make the distinction and clarify your decision-making process.
Think of an issue you're currently experiencing that requires you to make a decision. Describe it.
What is your emotional brain telling you to do? List your options.
What is your rational brain telling you to do? List your options.
Compare the two lists you just made. How are your emotions clouding your rationality? Where is your rationality ignoring important cues from your emotions?
Visualizing yourself managing a situation well allows your brain to develop EQ skills before difficult situations arise.
Think of a situation in which you have previously had trouble managing your emotions. Describe it.
Now think of a way that you would want to handle the situation effectively in the future. Describe how you would have ideally handled the situation.
Now close your eyes and visualize yourself handling the situation well. Be specific in your imagination and take the time to play out the entire scenario. Describe your visualization.
Once you have developed personal competence, you can begin to build your social competence. Reminder: social competence is your ability to interact with people effectively.
The first step to social competence is social awareness. Social awareness is the ability to identify emotions in other people and understand the reasons behind them.
People with high levels of social awareness:
| When Social Awareness is Present | When Social Awareness is Absent | |
| Empathy | You put yourself into the shoes of other people and try to understand their perspective. | You get stuck in your own opinion as you refuse to see other perspectives. |
| Adaptation | You adapt to your environment, adjusting the way in which you interact to yield a productive result. | You don’t change the way you interact with people, even if your approach isn’t working. |
| Team-Building | People want to work with you as you respect their perspective and try to find solutions to please all parties involved. | People don’t want to work with you as you don’t acknowledge their perspective and only discuss solutions that benefit you. |
Tactic #1: Listen attentively. Listening isn’t just about hearing words. Tone, volume, and pacing signal subtext and emotion (for instance, if a person speaks quickly and quietly, they may be intimidated).
Stay completely focused on the conversation at hand. Half-focused listening prevents you from picking up important information and makes the other person feel disrespected. Use conversation as an opportunity to learn and grow, not to show off with your intellect. To more effectively listen:
Tactic #2: Learn and use people’s names. People feel wanted and cared for when you use their name instead of a generic title (such as “buddy,” “you,” or “sir”). Though it may seem like a minor gesture, using a person’s name shows respect and appreciation. This creates a deeper connection between you and the person you're speaking with. Tips to remember names more effectively:
Tactic #3: Learn the rules of your environment. Learn how your company operates and what their expectations are. Also, learn the culture and background of your co-workers. If you don’t, you may find yourself at odds with your environment, making your job more difficult. To understand the culture, expectations, and rules of your environment:
For example, you typically listen to music while you work, but you’ve just started a new job and aren’t aware of the rules of your workplace. You check in with your colleagues to figure out the rules of the company:
If headphones are considered acceptable, go ahead and bring your headphones.
If your boss is someone who likes to check in frequently, wear a single earbud instead of headphones. This lets you listen to your music while still adhering to the expectations of your boss.
If listening to music in the office is not considered acceptable, respect the rules of your surroundings and work without music while in the office.
Your questions ensure that you’re behaving appropriately and show that you care about the rules of the organization.
Tactic #4: Ask others how they perceive you. You have a biased opinion of yourself. Everyone does. To get a clearer picture of how you come across to other people, ask others to describe you and your behaviors. Once you understand how others perceive you, you can adjust your behaviors to more accurately reflect your intentions.
For instance, if people think that you're standoffish at work, you may get passed on for projects that have to do with developing relationships. Though the reality may be that you’re just trying to keep your discussions professional, the perception of your coworkers determines how they interact with you and the opportunities that they’ll give you. If you know you come across as standoffish, you can soften the way you speak or make an effort to interact with your coworkers to eliminate the misconception that you don’t want to be around people.
Tactic #5: Practice empathy. Looking at a situation from someone else’s point of view helps you understand their behaviors, gives you the tools to more effectively interact with that person, and identifies issues before they develop. When trying to step into someone else’s shoes:
Tactic #6: Observe body language. By this point, you know how to observe your own body language. Now, observe the body language of others. It provides subtextual information that can reveal a person’s emotional state. This helps you make more informed decisions when interacting with them. Key body language indicators include:
Tactic #7: Observe emotional cues in films. Actors develop realistic characters by evoking emotion. Because they usually portray characters in extreme situations, the emotional cues they send are often much clearer than they are in real life. You can practice identifying these cues by watching movies and pointing out the moments that stand out to you. Try to connect certain behaviors to the emotion being portrayed on screen and rewatch impactful sections to pick up on specific cues. Because you’re not directly involved with the drama, you will have a much easier time staying objective and observant.
Tactic #8: Go “people watching.” Observing people going through their daily lives helps you begin to notice patterns of behavior that correlate to internal emotions. Similar to watching a movie, being a third party allows you to remain objective.
For instance, you see a couple walking down the street holding hands. Despite this apparent gesture of affection, you notice that they’re avoiding eye contact at all costs. You use this observation to conclude that they don’t want to interact with one another but don’t want to show it in public.
The next day, you go into the office and notice Tom standing by the water cooler. As you talk to him, he smiles, but refuses to look you in the eyes or otherwise connect with you—a similar behavior to that of the couple you saw the other day. Thanks to your observations from “people watching,” you have a deeper insight into the emotional state of your coworker and can make the appropriate choices to effectively navigate the conversation.
Tactic #9: Confirm your observations. Sometimes, you can’t read a situation based solely on your observations. In these cases, ask for confirmation. State your observation, then ask if what you’ve noticed is accurate. When you confirm your observations, you gain crucial knowledge that allows you to better understand and navigate your surroundings.
For example, you notice that Mary has not been talking as frequently as she usually does. She seems down, but whenever she interacts with you or other people, she puts on a smile and acts like everything’s fine. Finally, you pull her aside and say, “Hey. You’ve seemed a bit depressed lately. Did something happen?” She opens up a bit and thanks you for your concern.
In another instance, Josh says something to you right as you’re about to walk into a meeting. It sounded like he was trying to drop a hint, but you didn’t quite understand what he was trying to say. You pull him aside and say, “It sounded like you were trying to hint at something. Is there something I should know?” He tells you that your boss plans to reprimand one of your co-workers in the meeting, and that you should be aware, so you’re not caught off-guard.
Tactic #10: Tour your workspace. You miss a lot of crucial information when your brain homes in on the work in front of you and ignores the world around you. To develop social awareness, be conscientious of the people around you and your environment. Though many of these social cues seem small, they give you significant insight into the moods and behaviors of your coworkers. Take 15 minutes twice a week to walk around your office and make observations. These observations can include:
Tactic #11: Avoid taking notes during meetings. Taking notes at meetings prevents you from observing the body language of your coworkers and picking up on social cues to assist you in your communication. Use meetings as an opportunity to observe your coworkers. It’s a mostly distraction-free environment in which you can watch your coworkers interact. If you must take notes, stop occasionally to practice your observational skills.
For example, you’re in a meeting, scribbling notes when, suddenly, the speaker stops talking. He makes a snide comment to one of your coworkers before continuing with his proposal, annoyed. Though you have a record of all of the information he had been discussing, you have no idea what caused the abrupt change in behavior and don’t have the information to navigate the emotions currently flying through the room.
Tactic #12: Live in the moment. Though reflecting on the past and planning for the future are both necessary exercises, allowing them to dictate your day-to-day behavior keeps you in your head and prevents you from observing and interacting with your surroundings. Keep your head clear by staying focused on the present moment in front of you. If you’re at work, then be at work. If you’re with your family, then be with your family. If you find yourself drifting mentally, try to snap yourself back to your current reality. This will help you make more effective connections and deepen interactions with those around you.
Tactic #13: Make sure the time is right. If you make requests or observations at the wrong time, the person you're speaking with will likely not respond well. To ensure proper timing, keep the emotional state of the person you're talking to in mind. If they’re clearly angry or distraught, frame your question in a way that will not further upset them or find a better time to approach them with your issues.
For instance, you’ve been meaning to ask for a raise for a few months. You’ve decided today is the day to make your request. You walk into your boss’s office. She invites you in and apologizes for her demeanor as she just found out her dog died. While she tells you about what happened, you shift the conversation and ask for that raise. Taken aback, she tells you that the two of you can talk about that another time when she’s in a better headspace, then tells you to go back to work. You don’t end up getting that raise.
Tactic #14: Read the room. Once you’ve mastered reading the emotions of individuals, you can read the mood of entire rooms. Understanding the collective mood of the people around you allows you to give your input in an appropriate and well-timed manner. There are two ways to read the room:
Tactic #15: Have a “back-pocket question.” When a conversation doesn’t go as planned, it helps to have a question to reestablish connection with the person you're speaking to. This question may have nothing to do with the topic at hand, but it puts energy back into a dying conversation as it diverts briefly from an uncomfortable topic to a relatable one.
For example, you need information from a coworker about his current project, but he’s only responding with one-word answers. You know he’s an avid sports fan, so you pull out your “back-pocket question” and ask him what he thought about your local team’s performance in the game this past weekend. He immediately lights up and starts to share his opinion on the game. Once you’ve had a brief discussion, you come back to the initial conversation. More comfortable and energized, he gives you the information that you need.
Tactic #16: Make a plan for social gatherings. Preparing for events alleviates stress and allows you to stay present. This reserves your mental energy for in-the-moment interactions and observations. Different ways to plan for an event include:
A crucial aspect of social awareness is an ability to live in the moment. If you allow distractions to pull your focus, you won’t catch critical information.
Think of a recent conversation that you had in which you felt disconnected. Describe it.
Were you distracted? If so, by what?
What could you do to remove these distractions from future conversations?
What are some specific ways you could have practiced active listening? Think about listening to tone, pacing, and volume and silencing your inner voice.
Having a plan for social gatherings allows you to get out of your head and be more socially aware.
Think of a recent social event where you felt overwhelmed. In what ways did you feel overwhelmed? (Did your conversations feel stilted? Did you forget things? Did you feel uncomfortable?)
Now think of the ways that you could have planned before the event to make things run more smoothly. Think about creating talking points, setting reminders, and listing your goals.
Think of a similar event you’ll attend in the future. What are some ways you can prepare?
A “back-pocket question” gives you material to save a dying conversation. List some questions you could use next time you talk to a friend or co-worker.
The second step to social competence and the fourth and final skill in EQ development is relationship management. Relationship management is your ability to develop relationships with other people.
People with high levels of relationship management:
| When Relationship Management is Present | When Relationship Management is Absent | |
| Difficult Conversations | You're able to hold difficult conversations in a constructive and effective manner, even with people you don’t necessarily like or agree with. | You cannot hold difficult conversations without things becoming heated or personal, especially with people you don’t like or agree with. |
| Ease of Connection | People seek out connection with you because they know that you will listen to their perspective and treat them respectfully. | People fear connection with you because they worry that you may not listen to their side of things and will not handle matters respectfully. |
| Results of Interactions | After your conversations, people typically feel better about themselves and their ideas. | After your conversations, people typically feel degraded and demoralized. |
Tactic #1: Be open and take an interest. Explain your background and share some personal information. When you willingly share things about yourself, it minimizes opportunities for others to misinterpret your behaviors.
For example, you like to keep your desk pristine and in order. If anything is out of place, you get upset. Without explanation, people may interpret this as uptight and overbearing. However, if you explain that you spent time in the military where order became a part of your routine, it gives context to your behavior and allows your coworkers to better understand your perspective.
In addition to sharing information about your own life, take an interest in the lives of others. This helps you understand their choices and ensures that you don’t misinterpret their behaviors. Be curious, not judgmental:
Tactic #2: Be accessible. People need to feel comfortable approaching you. To do this, adopt an “open-door” policy. This allows colleagues to come in and have unscheduled conversations in which they can address issues, discuss projects, or seek guidance.
You don’t need to support everyone all of the time. Be clear about your version of the “open-door” policy and stick to it. People will feel more appreciated because you’re willing to give them your time. Also, this gives you an opportunity to learn more about the people that you work with, strengthening your relationships and helping you navigate your workplace culture.
Tactic #3: Embrace feedback. Having someone point out errors or areas of improvement can lead to intense emotional responses. You may feel put on the spot or called out. However, feedback is essential to development and requires that you hear it without letting your emotions get in the way. To enhance your ability to take feedback:
Tactic #4: Develop trust. Trust is difficult to develop but easy to lose. Practice patience and consistently do what you say you’re going to do to create bonds with the people around you. To begin building trust:
Tactic #5: Improve your communication style. Your natural style of communication dictates how others perceive you. If the way you talk doesn’t reflect your intentions, others may not understand what you’re trying to communicate and may develop negative feelings towards you. To better understand the way you communicate and the ways you can improve:
Tactic #6: Avoid mixed messages. They confuse and frustrate people. When you're communicating, make sure the way you speak and your body language match what you’re trying to say. If you’re telling an employee that you’re excited to have them on a project, but do so with slouched shoulders and a disinterested tone, they probably won’t trust that you’re actually excited.
Everyone has emotions rise to the surface—even people with great self-management skills. In those moments, try to put negative emotions aside until you have the opportunity to express them fully and in an environment that they won’t have a negative impact. You will need to work through your emotions eventually, but, if you let your emotions disrupt the message you’re trying to send, it will give off mixed messages. If you cannot put your emotions aside, be honest. Explain what’s happening and what you’re feeling.
For instance, one of your teams successfully launched a project, and you’ve taken them out to dinner to celebrate. While at dinner, you get a phone call from a colleague. They tell you that a different department failed to close a deal that they’ve been working on for months. At that moment, you may feel frustration come to the surface, but you decide it’s not worth destroying the morale of the team you’re at dinner with.
You tell your colleague that you’ll call her after you’ve finished with dinner to figure out a solution. You return to dinner and say, “If I seem frustrated, it’s because we were supposed to close that deal today, and it didn’t happen. It has nothing to do with you guys. I genuinely appreciate the work that you’ve all done.” You and your team enjoy the rest of your dinner, then you deal with your frustration when the time is right.
Tactic #7: Explain your choices. People fear what they don’t understand. If you leave people in the dark, they may not know why you’ve made a choice, leading to frustration and/or anxiety. When explaining your decisions, acknowledge any alternative routes, show your thought process, then explain the ways your decision will impact everyone.
For example, you’re putting together a team to work on an assignment. You know that Anita is best suited for a position on the team, but you have another project in mind for her, so you put Susan on the team instead. You never explain your decision to Anita. Two weeks later, Anita comes into your office and explains that she’s upset. She knows that she should have been on that team and doesn’t understand why you passed on her. Because you never explained the reason behind your decision, Anita became frustrated and demoralized. Had you taken a moment to pull her aside and explain why you made the choice you did, she may not have been as irritated.
Tactic #8: Make sure your intention matches your impact. If you mistime comments or fail to note the emotional state of your colleagues, your good intentions may end with unintended consequences. Respect the emotions of those around you and assess situations before you act.
For instance, you’re a manager at a local restaurant. You decide that you want to lead by example and begin to take on more projects around the restaurant. Your intention is to be a role model that others can look to and take inspiration from. However, in your efforts to work hard, you fail to notice that you’re stepping on the toes of your colleagues—micro-managing them and speaking in a derogatory manner. Though you had the best of intentions, your colleagues now think you’re controlling and overbearing.
Tactic #9: Respect the emotions of others. If you try to negate or ignore what they’re feeling, they won’t respond well. Use your listening skills, ask what you can do to help, and be empathetic. This validates the feelings of the other person without exaggerating or exacerbating their emotional state.
For example, you’re walking into the office when you notice John sitting in his car with his head on the steering wheel. You knock on his window. He rolls it down, and you ask if he’s okay. He says that he’s going through a rough time right now. Instead of saying, “Well, we all have bad days. See you inside,” you acknowledge his emotions by saying, “I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. Is there anything I can do to help you?” He says that he’ll be fine, but he appreciates you taking a moment to check in.
Tactic #10: Use common courtesies. Say “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry.” These phrases will help you raise morale and connect to your colleagues through mutual respect and appreciation. These may seem trivial, but they send constant reminders of consideration to the people you’re around.
Tactic #11: Show your appreciation. Little signals of appreciation can go a long way. When someone does good work, praise them. When they go the extra mile, acknowledge it. Even if it’s something as small as buying someone lunch or leaving a thank you note, small gestures let the people around you know that you see the work that they’re doing and that you appreciate it.
Tactic #12: Only use anger intentionally. When anger comes out as an emotional response, you may come across as out-of-control. However, if you use it as a tactic, it can effectively send a message. Only use your anger as a tactic when you feel like you have a masterful handle on your emotions:
For instance, you’re the coach of a basketball team. Your team is in the championship, and you’re getting beaten badly. At halftime, you get your team together in the locker room and let them know that they're not doing their jobs. You tell them to pull it together and remind them of the importance of this game. Your frustration helps motivate them to improve their performance and win.
Tactic #13: Respond appropriately. Read the situation, watch for signals that indicate the emotional state of the person speaking to you, and respond in a way that respects their feelings.This allows you to help people effectively while keeping them calm and rational. Don’t necessarily mirror the other person’s emotions. Especially in high-tension situations, this will make the tone of the conversation even worse.
For instance, you’re working in customer service. An annoyed customer throws a broken item on the counter and angrily demands an immediate replacement as she needs it for an event. Rather than reflect her rude demeanor, you apologize for the product not working and tell her that you will work to get her that replacement as quickly as possible. The customer appreciates that you’re taking her claim seriously and begins to calm down.
Tactic #14: Use “fix-it” statements. When things start getting intense, avoid pointing fingers and focus on fixing the problem. “Fix-it” statements are neutral statements that refocus everyone’s attention towards the problem at hand. These statements can be direct solutions to the issue or acknowledgments such as “this is challenging.” They alleviate some of the tension and keep things from getting personal.
For example, you and Anthony are in the middle of a fight. You’ve been painting a mural for a local business. Due to a miscommunication, Anthony put something on the mural that he wasn’t supposed to, costing you both hours of work. As tensions rise, you take a step back and breathe. After a moment, you say, “This is going to be hard, but we’ll get through it.” You then gently explain the way that you can fix the problem. Though you're still frustrated, the conversation calmed down before it could escalate any further or permanently damage your relationship with Anthony.
Tactic #15: Don’t put off the unavoidable. Sometimes, unavoidable scenarios arise that you aren’t entirely comfortable with. You may have to work on a project that you don’t enjoy or work with a teammate that you don’t care for. In these situations, develop strategies to approach your work effectively while keeping your emotions in check.
When the scenario involves another person, be polite but direct. You don’t need to tell them that you dislike them, but you do need to figure out a way you can work together without too much hostility. Though it may force you to hold your tongue a bit, use your EQ skills to adapt to the person:
For example, you and Zach work in the same advertising department. You can’t stand one another and typically avoid working together when possible. However, your boss has just assigned you two to the same project during which you will spend significant amounts of time around one another. Instead of dreading the work and letting your anxiety and frustration grow, you ask Zach to grab lunch with you so you can strategize for the project. At lunch, you politely suggest that you work separately on different parts of the project and meet once a day to discuss progress. Zach agrees, and you figure out a plan-of-attack.
Tactic #16: Give effective feedback. Effective feedback requires the use of all four EQ skills, and shows how the EQ progression works.
| Step # | EQ Skill | How to Use That Skill |
| Step 1 | Self-Awareness | How do you feel about the feedback you have to give? Note your emotional responses to the information that you’re sharing. If you’re uncomfortable or anxious, try to find the reason behind those emotions. |
| Step 2 | Self-Management | Regardless of how you feel, keep your emotions in check when delivering feedback. Use the information you gathered from your self-awareness to create tactics to keep yourself calm and on task. |
| Step 3 | Social Awareness | Once you have a handle on your own emotions, think about how this feedback may affect the person in front of you. Consider their personality and current emotional state. |
| Step 4 | Relationship Management | Finally, once you consider the feelings of the other person, come up with a plan. Feedback requires that you give your opinion then offer solutions. Think about the most effective way to deliver this information effectively without demoralizing or infuriating the other person. |
For example, you need to talk with Laura about her tone on the phone with clients. Multiple people have said that she’s been short and rude, and it’s cost you business.
First, you assess how you’re feeling about the situation. You’re frustrated because her behavior isn’t acceptable. However, you’re triggered by poor behavior with clients, so your annoyance may come from your history with bad coworkers.
Next, you think about how you’re going to manage your feelings. You tell yourself that you’re going to keep calm and avoid allowing your frustration to speak for you. You commit to focusing on your breath and counting to ten if you feel your emotions coming to the surface.
Next, you think about Laura. You’ve noticed that her demeanor has changed recently, and you’ve heard that she’s going through some issues at home. You know that she’s typically kind and hard-working but can be fragile and defensive at times.
Finally, you make a plan. You know that you’re frustrated and want to talk in an environment where you can sit down and take your time with the conversation, so you schedule a one-on-one meeting with Laura. You recognize her potential fragility, and you don’t want to intimidate her, so you decide to hold the meeting in a neutral place like a conference room. Also, you know that she’s going through a hard time, so you decide that you’re going to start the conversation by asking her if she’s okay. If something outside of the office is causing her attitude, this may help you understand her behavior and figure out how to get her back on track.
Tactic #17: Effectively navigate difficult conversations. Remain calm, show your empathy, and speak clearly:
Good intentions and positive impact don’t always align. Make sure that your intention leads to the desired impact.
Think of a recent situation in which your good intentions ended up worsening a situation. This could be anything from a mistimed joke to an unclear objective. Describe your intention, the action(s) that you took, and the resulting impact.
What do you know about the situation now that you didn’t know then? Did you gain any new information or recognize any missed cues? Think about reading the room and respecting the emotions of others. Make a list of these discoveries.
If you could handle the situation all over again, what would you do differently? Describe it.
What can you apply from this situation to future situations?
The way that you handle tense situations reveals a lot about your emotional intelligence. The higher your EQ, the better you are at navigating these situations while maintaining strong relationships.
Think of a recent disagreement with a colleague in which one or both of you began blaming one another for a problem. Describe it.
Now, think of “fix-it” statements that could have helped deescalate the disagreement. Remember, “fix-it” statements are neutral statements that refocus everyone’s attention towards the problem at hand. Write down 2-3 statements.
Think of a recent conversation with a colleague in which you had to deliver difficult or bad news, and the conversation ended in a fight. How did you handle delivering the information? What did the other person have to say? Describe the conversation.
Now, think about the ways to navigate difficult conversations (start on common ground, ask the other person for their perspective, don’t plan rebuttals, explain your side, keep the conversation moving, and stay in touch). What could you have done differently to keep the conversation from growing into a fight?
Emotional intelligence requires that you first develop personal competence. Self-awareness and self-management create the foundation of EQ.
Reflect on a recent time a lack of self-awareness led to a poor decision. Describe it.
Now, list the tactics you could have used to improve your self-awareness in that situation. Think about knowing your triggers, holding yourself accountable, and understanding the reasons behind your emotions.
Reflect on a recent conversation in which you let your emotions get the best of you. Describe it.
Now, list the tactics you could have used to improve your self-management in that conversation. Think about focusing on your breath, counting to ten, and mentally recharging.