Girl, Stop Apologizing is a call to action—bestselling author and blogger Rachel Hollis wants you to stop apologizing for wanting more out of your life. Society expects women to take care of everyone else but looks down upon the woman who prioritizes herself. This book is Hollis’s guide to overcoming the guilt, shame, and fear of failure that women face whenever they dare to dream big. While Hollis addresses women, much of her advice on achieving your dreams could be useful to anyone.
Using her own life experiences, Hollis takes you one by one through all of the excuses that are holding you back. She lists the behaviors that you must be willing to change in order to succeed, and the skills that will help you along the way.
This book will help you:
Before you can acquire the behaviors and skills to help you succeed, you must first develop the right mindset. To Hollis, this means letting go of excuses and embracing a mentality of positivity and perseverance.
Excuses are a tool of self-sabotage. Hollis explains that excuses are paralyzing beliefs that serve no valuable purpose and stop you from even trying.
In this section, Hollis goes through the most common excuses that she hears (and once believed herself) for why you can’t live your dream. She takes each excuse and strips it of its power, reveals the truth beneath, and provides you with strategies to conquer it.
(Shortform note: In The Magic of Thinking Big, author and Ph.D. David Schwartz theorizes that people tend to make excuses in one of four areas: health, intelligence, age, and luck. Schwartz acknowledges that we are all born with advantages and disadvantages in life. For example, you can’t help it if you’re born with a disability. The disadvantage itself isn’t an excuse, but when we lean on our disadvantage as the reason we don’t succeed, then it becomes an excuse. He stresses that those with advantages and the wrong attitude are less likely to succeed than those with disadvantages but the right outlook.)
According to Hollis, society expects women to care for everyone else, and the phrase “a good woman” is typically synonymous with “a good wife and mother.” Hollis goes on to say that because society expects women to run the household, they are often looked down upon for having career ambitions.
Hollis argues that women must shed this excuse because when you’re being true to yourself, you’re better able to care for those you love. When you’re fulfilled, you’ll be better in all of your relationships. Hollis says that the only way to live a full and happy life is to be open and honest about your dreams, goals, and desires.
(Shortform note: The Covid-19 pandemic highlighted society’s lack of respect for women’s career paths. According to a survey conducted by Seramount (a consulting firm that studies workplace inclusion), about one-third of moms in the workplace had to quit or reduce their hours during the COVID-19 Pandemic in 2020 and 2021, with most citing a need to take care of their children during school closures. However, the government didn’t prioritize child care as a pandemic issue to address.)
Once you decide that you’re worthy of having your own dreams and goals, Hollis says the next excuse you’re likely to tell yourself is that your dream is too lofty, and you’re not good enough at (fill in the blank) to accomplish it.
Hollis says that believing you’re not capable is an excuse because the truth is, everybody struggles at the start of something new and challenging. She believes that it’s not important to be naturally good at whatever you’re doing. Rather, you must have the willingness to be bad at it for a long time.
(Shortform note: When you embark on a new goal, it may be helpful to research what the typical learning curve is. For example, how long does it take most people to train for a marathon if their starting point is zero? How long does it take most people to complete prerequisites for medical school? This isn’t to say that you should compare yourself to others if your learning curve is steeper or slower; rather, having this information ahead of time likely will ease your worry if you’re worried about your starting point.)
Of all the excuses Hollis highlights, she says the most common one she hears is “I don’t have time.”
Hollis puts forth a simple truth: You won’t find more time. Instead, Hollis says you need to make time by redesignating what fills your hours. She stresses that you can replace any activity with a different activity; the choice is entirely yours.
Hollis recommends you start by “making” five hours available each week to work on your goal by reducing or eliminating other activities. Be intentional about how you schedule your time, and prioritize the parts of your life that are most important to you.
Timeboxing: A Technique for Balancing Your Schedule
Hollis recommends you redesignate your current hours, but she doesn’t provide a clear strategy for how to do it. Nir Eyal, author and investor, has a simple but effective strategy for managing the time you already have. Described in his book Indistractible, timeboxing is the technique of preemptively blocking out chunks of time on your calendar and designating them for certain activities.
What this looks like: On your calendar, schedule your entire day or week using different colors and categories. For example, you might spend from 5 to 7 p.m. each night cooking and eating dinner with your family. You might be tempted not to include items on your calendar that you routinely do every day (after all, you don’t need the reminder), but you will want to put them on there anyway, as you will see next.
Why it works: There are two major benefits to timeboxing. First, it allows you to keep balance in your schedule. If you are worried about work-life balance, you can take a quick glance at your color-coded calendar to see where the bulk of your time is being spent. Second, this method keeps you on task. It is easy to get caught up in a project and find that suddenly your entire day is gone, and you haven’t even touched the rest of your responsibilities. Giving yourself an end time will ensure that you don’t waste time.
You have stopped caring what other people think of your dream, but now you worry that the other areas of your life will suffer. Hollis insists that this fear that you can’t have it all is an excuse that will hold you back.
Many people aim for balance in life but Hollis believes you should instead strive to be “centered,” which means to feel content and at peace with all areas of your life. Hollis believes that the easiest way to achieve contentment and relieve yourself of guilt is to intentionally prioritize the important moments. Rather than focusing on the number of hours you spend on family, friends, work, and so on, Hollis advises you to be intentional about when you focus on each. Go for quality over quantity.
Are Being Centered and Being Grounded the Same Thing?
Two phrases that are often thrown around in conjunction are “being centered” and “being grounded.” But are they interchangeable? According to Psychology Today, while they’re similar, they’re not the same.
To be grounded is to live in the present moment. You aren’t dwelling on the past or worrying about the “what ifs” of the future. There’s a peacefulness that occurs when you live only in the present. How does this relate to goals? Well, let’s say your goal is to run a marathon. Instead of focusing on the past (I’ve never been a runner) or fixating on the future (How will I find time in my schedule to train the longer runs?), focus on living in the moment: I am running one mile right now.
To be centered is to have a place to return to—a value that is paramount over others and can be thought of as a destination. Using the previous example, if the most important thing in your life is your family, use that as your center and work your marathon training around your time with them.
So far, Hollis has explained how to recognize self-sabotaging excuses and how to eliminate them. Next, she discusses how to take that new mindset of taking control of your life and apply it to behaviors that will help you succeed.
She stresses that our behavior and habits are choices, whether or not we are conscious of them. Because of this, we are capable of changing our behaviors so that they better serve us. In this section, we will examine each of the behaviors that Hollis identifies as being crucial to success and discuss strategies for implementing the behavior in your own life.
Before any other behaviors can be modified, Hollis strongly suggests you start by laying a healthy foundation. These are the habits and routines that will allow your new mindset and behaviors to flourish. She gives the following advice:
(Shortform note: What makes these areas important? All of them contribute to your energy levels. Taking a look at Lifehack’s list of 74 Healthy Habits That Will Drastically Improve Every Area of Your Life, you will notice that essentially every item listed (chew your food, walk at lunchtime, and so on) could be classified into one of the categories Hollis examines. The running theme in both Lifehack’s list and Hollis’s is that your overall energy and zest for life will increase if you incorporate the habits they discuss.)
Hollis notes that throughout history, and across the globe, the vast majority of cultures have been patriarchal. This means that the voice of authority in nearly every government and community has been male since the beginning of time. On a smaller scale, in many (not all) families, the father is the decision maker. So for most of us, the voice of authority growing up was male, and this is now ingrained in our subconscious beliefs about leadership.
If you’re a woman, Hollis says you must rewire this subconscious belief system in order to trust your own authority without the need for male validation. This takes conscious effort.
The Relationship Between Approval-Seeking and Codependence
Codependency is a psychological condition—often experienced by children of alcoholics and addicts—in which one person has an unhealthy need for another person’s approval.
Hollis is an admitted codependent. When she was growing up, every decision she made hinged on her father’s potential reaction. She sought his approval and feared his disappointment. After a decade of marriage, Hollis realized she had transferred the position of authority from her father to her husband, and she was now living for his approval and seeking his validation with every decision she made. When Hollis eventually began trusting her own decision-making skills, it was a major catalyst for her success.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie explains this pattern of behavior in depth. Her message (and Hollis’s) is that you can only break free of codependence by recognizing that other people’s thoughts and behavior aren’t your responsibility nor are they within your control.
After building healthy habits and trusting your own authority, Hollis wants you to advocate for yourself. Speak up—unapologetically—because while your “village” wants to help, they can’t read your mind.
Hollis says the two best ways to advocate for yourself (and move more quickly toward your goal) is to ask for help when you need it and say no to requests that will hinder your progress.
Hollis acknowledges that asking for help isn’t easy. Women in particular tend to feel guilty for inconveniencing anybody else, or they feel weak if they cannot “do it all.” This guilt and shame must be overcome.
Hollis reminds us that we each have an entire village that we can turn to when we need help. This help can come in different forms:
The Connection Between Help and Judgment
Brené Brown (shame expert and author of Daring Greatly) discusses in a 2013 interview with Oprah the connection between help and self-judgment. According to Brown, if you judge yourself when you ask for help, then you’re also judging others when you offer help. This can cause a bit of cognitive dissonance, as you’re likely thinking: I don’t judge others when they ask for help! However, consider this alternative viewpoint:
Try instead to view the need for help as a transaction. Acknowledge that you will help when somebody else needs it, and you will receive help when you need it. Taking this perspective will release any shame that you might otherwise feel when asking for help.
Beyond asking for help when you need it, Hollis’s second way of advocating for yourself is saying “no.'' As she explains, declining requests without guilt allows you to reserve your energies for the areas of your life that are most important to you.
Hollis recommends you start by making a simple list of your priorities. Then, if the request isn’t going to serve your priorities, Hollis says you should politely decline. When you’ve decided to say no, Hollis recommends you do it as soon as possible, be polite but honest, and give a clear and firm “no” (not a probably or maybe).
Reframing Your Thinking: A No Is a Yes
In Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown argues that for every “no” you deliver, you’re really saying “yes” to something else.
For example, if your friends invite you to dinner and it would mean missing family game night, instead of thinking, “I’m saying no to my friends,” reframe your thinking into, “I’m saying yes to my family.”
In this same chapter, he also offers some creative ways to decline an invitation for those who feel the word “no” is too harsh or daunting. For instance, offer an alternative. If you are uncomfortable completing the request, try offering what you are willing to do. For example, if a friend asks to borrow your car to drive to the airport, try saying, “I can’t do that, but I will take you to the airport if you’d like.” It shows that you want to help, but you still keep your boundary.
In Part 3, Hollis provides a list of universal skills that will take you from motivation to achievement. She defines a skill as any ability that you can learn and develop over time through intentional practice. The skills she lists are often conventionally viewed as character traits—confidence, for example. However, Hollis argues that if you can develop confidence and use it as a tool, then it is indeed a skill.
In this section, we will take a look at five universal skills Hollis believes will serve you best in the pursuit of your dream.
Hollis makes clear that confidence is important to success because if you already believe that you’re bad at something, you’re unlikely to even attempt it. In her experience, there are three distinct areas where you can develop confidence: how you look, how you act, and who you hang out with.
(Shortform note: Self-confidence is more valuable to success than most people realize. According to Psychology Today, self-confidence decreases fear and anxiety, increases motivation, builds resilience, improves your relationships, and allows you to connect to your authentic self.)
Hollis states that nothing significant in her life came quickly. She stresses the importance of sticking to your plan and riding out challenges. To build persistence, Hollis says you need a total mindset shift. For every goal you have, prepare for the long haul, expect rejection, and avoid the trap of comparison.
(Shortform note: Angela Duckworth, author of Grit, analyzes in depth the importance of perseverance (persistence) in the face of adversity. In her research, she found that grit was a greater indicator of future success than IQ. Duckworth defines grit as a combination of persistence and passion, so it stands to reason that having a strong “why,” or purpose you feel passionate about, and the willingness to fight for it is your best bet at achieving any dream.)
Hollis advocates learning how to manage your time efficiently to get the most out of it. She recommends you take the following five actions:
(Shortform note: Cal Newport offers several strategies for increasing your focus to be more effective in his book, Deep Work. One strategy that he recommends is training your “focus muscles'' by allowing yourself to be bored in situations where you would normally distract yourself. For example, if you’re waiting in line at the DMV, you might naturally reach for your phone. Instead, resist the urge and allow the boredom to happen. This is great focus training for your brain because you will develop increased control and discipline over your thoughts in the same way that an athlete controls their physical movements.)
Hollis argues that by choosing positivity every day, you will recognize the abundance of opportunities and blessings at your feet. As a result, you will have greater success in any goal you aspire to accomplish. She acknowledges that we can’t control the hardships that come our way. However, she notes that we can control how we respond to these obstacles, disappointments, and catastrophes.
One way that Hollis believes you can practice positivity is to control your inner dialogue. Your running mental dialogue is the soundtrack to your life. She believes if you criticize or pity yourself, even if it’s just in your thoughts, these feelings manifest as a negative attitude. When you feel the negative inner dialogue creeping in, Hollis advises you to redirect the conversation in the same way that you could shift a conversation happening out loud.
Toxic Positivity: When Is It Okay to Have Negative Vibes?
While the benefits of positivity have been well-documented, it can be taken too far.
Since the time this book was published in 2019, the topic of toxic positivity has garnered attention. Toxic positivity is the belief that we should feel positive emotions all of the time, regardless of the circumstance. Rachel Hollis has faced criticism for encouraging positivity to a level that many people find unhealthy. At the time this guide is being written, Hollis has not yet addressed this criticism.
How do you know when positivity is healthy or toxic?
It has been proven through numerous studies that people who have a positive outlook enjoy longer lifespans, less illness, and healthier relationships. As Mayo Clinic points out, however, there’s a difference between approaching situations with a solutions-mindset and ignoring life’s problems altogether. The latter is when positivity is actually false and toxic.
Hollis has walked you through all of the excuses that will hold you back and revealed the truth beneath each one. She has given you behaviors to turn into habits, and she has suggested skills to develop. If you were a carpenter, you’d now have all of the tools necessary to get the job done. The final thing you need is the blueprint, and then you can get to work.
Your blueprint is a universal step-by-step template that you can use as many times as you want on as many goals as you desire. Here’s how you execute.
Hollis argues that having a long list of goals is wonderful, but that working on more than one at one time is ineffective. First, you will spread yourself too thin and not dedicate enough energy and time to any one thing to make it happen. Second, if you’re working on multiple goals at a time, you might give yourself permission to quit when it gets tough because you’ve got other things going on. But how to choose?
First, visualize: Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be in 10 years?” Write furiously for five minutes straight, describing in detail who you want to be and what that person is doing. Next, strategize: Take a look at what you wrote, and make a list of accomplishments that would make this dream life possible. Be specific and include only what is crucial. Finally, prioritize: Of all the accomplishments on your list, choose one goal you can work on right now.
(Shortform note: Gary Keller, author of The One Thing, centers his book around the idea that choosing one impactful goal-oriented task at a time and performing them sequentially is far more effective than doing several tasks simultaneously. One strategy that he suggests is “going small,” which means to ignore the dozens of things you could be working on, and instead focus on one small task at a time.)
Hollis instructs you to thoroughly plan out your attack, working backward. Chunk your goal into steps, beginning with identifying your goal’s three most crucial targets to hit. These are the three things that, if accomplished, will get you all the way to your goal. From there, make a list of how to get from target to target.
What you’re left with is a step-by-step guide to go from your starting point all the way to your finished goal.
(Shortform note: This is a great place to utilize the “outcomes list” that Hollis suggested earlier. For example, if your first target on the way to becoming a doctor is to get accepted into medical school, your outcomes list might include items such as: secure three letters of recommendation, complete all necessary prerequisites, and so on.)
Girl, Stop Apologizing is a call to action—Rachel Hollis wants you to stop apologizing for wanting more out of your life. Society expects women to take care of everyone else but looks down upon the woman who prioritizes herself. This book is a guide to overcoming the guilt, shame, and fear of failure that women face whenever they dare to dream big.
Using her own life experiences, Hollis takes you one by one through all of the excuses that are holding you back. She lists the behaviors that you must be willing to change in order to succeed, and the skills that will help you along the way. While Hollis addresses women, much of her advice on achieving your dreams could be useful to anyone.
Rachel Hollis is an author, motivational speaker, and founder of The Hollis Company. Her debut self-help book Girl, Wash Your Face spent more than 46 straight weeks on The New York Times bestseller list and has sold over 4.5 million copies to date. Hollis has since written two more self-help books: Girl, Stop Apologizing (a 2019 follow-up to her famous debut) and Didn’t See That Coming in 2020.
Before she was an author and businesswoman, Hollis was an event planner and a food blogger. She grew up in a rural California town in a lower-income family and always dreamed of having a glamorous and abundant life. After graduating high school, Hollis moved to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career in Hollywood. She found herself working for production companies instead, which led to celebrity event planning. For about a decade, Hollis ran her own event planning business before transitioning into blogging and book writing.
Hollis connects with her audience by using casual language, personal anecdotes, and tales of failure and triumph. She is a divorced mother of four children and she uses her successes and challenges at home for context in her writing. Hollis reminds her readers frequently that she is an ordinary person accomplishing extraordinary things, and they can too.
Hollis’s work is primarily centered around female empowerment with a rags-to-riches backdrop.
Hollis’s Other Self-Help Books Include:
She has also written four novels and two cookbooks.
Connect with Rachel Hollis:
Publisher: HarperCollins Leadership, an imprint of HarperCollins Focus, LLC
Published in March of 2019, Girl, Stop Apologizing is the sequel to Hollis’s New York Times bestseller Girl, Wash Your Face. In Hollis’s words, the first book inspires her readers to take ownership of their lives and their dreams, and this book teaches them how to do that.
Girl, Stop Apologizing came out in March of 2019 amidst a major cultural shift in the U.S. During this time, women’s marches were happening all over the country in protest of sexual violence and discrimination—most notably as part of the Me Too Movement. Female empowerment and the highlighting of women’s voices serve as the backdrop to the release of this book, in which Hollis encourages women to fight patriarchal expectations and pursue their dreams.
The timing of the female empowerment movement and her book release worked in Hollis’s favor. However, at the same time in the U.S., cultural and racial minorities were rising up in protest of inequalities, and a rags-to-riches story coming from Hollis (a white woman) was not well received by marginalized groups.
According to Hollis’s citations at the end of her book, she pulls some of her ideas about shame and guilt from Brené Brown’s TED Talk, “Listening to Shame,” and advice about efficiency from Gary Keller’s book, The One Thing. Although she doesn’t cite them, her advice echoes other works, such as The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod (regarding morning routine), as well as several other ideas from her contemporaries.
This book (in combination with Girl, Wash Your Face) sparked a cultural debate about “toxic positivity” and “bootstrap mentality”—two themes that get strong emphasis in Hollis’s works. Hollis’s position that “if you believe in yourself and work hard enough, you can do anything,” resonates with many people and draws ire in others, particularly as it relates to racial and cultural inequalities.
Girl, Stop Apologizing was a Publishers Weekly #1 bestseller. Many praise Hollis for writing a book that is easy to read and understand, as opposed to the overly intellectual and lecturing tone of other self-help books. Readers enjoy Rachel’s casual voice and feel as if they are receiving advice from a friend. Positive reviewers claim that the book is highly motivational and gave them the push they needed to start on their dream.
However, some criticize the book for having too many personal stories and not enough practical advice. A common complaint among her detractors is that she recycled advice from her previous book, Girl, Wash Your Face. Some even go so far as to say that she plagiarized guidance from other motivational speakers.
While most Amazon and GoodReads reviews are positive, some criticize specific sections of the book as being tone-deaf—specifically in regard to body image and eating habits.
Hollis approaches this book in the same way she speaks: casually and conversationally, but with an energetic fervor. She fluctuates between self-deprecating humor and seriousness, often poking fun at her past self while praising her current self. Hollis uses personal anecdotes to illustrate her points, and this book is part-memoir because of it.
In this book, Hollis refers to herself often as “your friend Rachel” and depicts herself as the buddy who is willing to give you tough love. In terms of content, she focuses on the themes of hard work, self-reflection, and positivity.
Hollis’s approach isn’t for everyone; some will find her tone judgmental and others might balk at the heavy use of exclamation points. However, others may find her demeanor down to earth, approachable, and easy to digest. In part because Hollis did not attend college or come from a wealthy family, her “everywoman” advice is readily received by a general audience.
We’ve divided the guide into four parts. In Part 1, we list Hollis’s nine common excuses that women tell themselves to avoid going after their dreams. In Part 2, we cover seven behaviors Hollis encourages her readers to adopt. Finally, in Part 3, we discuss Hollis’s six key skills to acquire in order to succeed at any goal. We’ve created a fourth section pulling out Hollis’s blueprint for executing one chosen goal.
In each section, we compare Hollis’s advice to that of other popular self-help authors. Throughout the guide, we add practical tips for applying Hollis’s advice, and we provide exercises to practice what you learn.
Girl, Stop Apologizing is Rachel Hollis’s follow-up to her bestselling book, Girl, Wash Your Face. As Hollis describes it, her first book inspires you to take ownership of your life, and this one teaches you how to pursue your dreams. She asks her readers: “What if” you decided you were worth your dream?
Hollis is an author, blogger, motivational speaker, and former event planner to the stars. Drawing on her own rise from humble beginnings to massive success, Hollis uses the lessons she learned along the way to guide and inspire her readers.
Girl, Stop Apologizing takes a hard look at the cultural brainwashing of women into believing that pursuing personal goals is selfish, unladylike, and unrealistic. Hollis empowers her readers to release these limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviors by drawing attention to their origins, highlighting their ridiculousness, and providing strategies for achievement.
Before you can acquire the behaviors and skills to help you succeed, first must develop the right mindset. To Hollis, this means letting go of excuses and embracing a mentality of positivity and perseverance.
Excuses are a tool of self-sabotage. Hollis explains that excuses are paralyzing beliefs that serve no valuable purpose and stop you from even trying.
In this section, Hollis goes through the most common excuses that she hears (and once believed herself) for why you can’t live your dream. She takes each excuse and strips it of its power, reveals the truth beneath, and provides you with strategies to conquer it.
(Shortform note: In The Magic of Thinking Big, author and Ph.D. David Schwartz theorizes that people tend to make excuses in one of four areas: health, intelligence, age, and luck. Schwartz acknowledges that we are all born with advantages and disadvantages in life. For example, you can’t help it if you’re born with a disability. The disadvantage itself isn’t an excuse, but when we lean on our disadvantage as the reason we don’t succeed, then it becomes an excuse. He stresses that those with advantages and the wrong attitude are less likely to succeed than those with disadvantages but the right outlook.)
Foundational to Hollis’s premise in Girl, Stop Apologizing is the notion that society expects women to care for everyone else, and a “good woman” will sacrificially cast aside her own desires.
According to Hollis, the phrase “a good woman” is typically synonymous with “a good wife and mother.” She points out that by societal standards, a woman is deemed to be a good wife if her husband is happy and satisfied. Similarly, women are praised for being good mothers if their children are happy and healthy.
(Shortform note: While Hollis’s assessment of what society deems a “good woman” has strong roots in history and most cultures, the definition of a “good woman” is progressing; especially in light of the Me Too movement. In Essence magazine, Erica and Tina Atkins-Campbell (of the gospel duo Mary Mary) offer a modern definition of a good woman—without any mention of marriage or motherhood. Rather, they define a good woman as someone who knows who she is, is respectful and communicative, is resilient, and is kind and inspirational to others.)
Hollis goes on to say that because society expects women to run the household, they are often looked down upon for having career ambitions.
Hollis notes the double standard: A woman’s ability to earn money for her family is rarely connected with being a “good woman,” whereas men are often praised for being “good men” if they have a respectable job and provide financial security for their families.
For example, when Hollis started her own business, most people in her circle praised her. However, when she became pregnant, she says everyone she knew expected her to put the business aside and stay home with the children. She received even more judgment when those around her learned that her husband made enough money for her to stay home. Hollis realized that her decision to choose to work when she didn’t have to broke one of society’s unwritten rules.
(Shortform note: The COVID-19 pandemic highlighted society’s lack of respect for women’s career paths. According to a survey conducted by Seramount (a consulting firm that studies workplace inclusion), about one-third of moms in the workplace had to quit or reduce their hours during the COVID-19 Pandemic in 2020 and 2021, with most citing a need to take care of their children during school closures. However, the government didn’t prioritize child care as a pandemic issue to address.)
At what point do women take on the expectation to sacrifice themselves for others? Hollis says praise for women meeting other people’s expectations begins in childhood.
According to Hollis, by conventional standards, a “good girl” is a child who doesn’t make waves. A good girl is happy, humble, and grateful. If she goes against the grain, she is labeled as difficult. Hollis contrasts this attitude with how young boys are seen when exhibiting the same behavior. She says that boys who rebel against the norm are instead viewed as leaders and visionaries.
Counterpoint: Expectations on Young Boys to Be Good Men
While the societal definition of a “good man” typically does not involve his value as a husband or father, young boys are conditioned in the same way that young girls are. In picture books and television shows, men are modeled as funny, strong, independent, and adventurous. Boys rarely see depictions of men who lean on their wives financially or emotionally, or are clumsy and out of shape—the way many men are in real life. As a result, when boys grow into men that don’t meet the standard modeled for them, they often experience the same cycle of shame that women do.
Hollis theorizes that this childhood conditioning makes women believe that if they focus on themselves and their own goals (instead of living entirely for other people), they aren’t good women.
Hollis argues that this line of thinking (a good woman must always put herself last) is an excuse that women must shed because when you’re being true to yourself, you’re better able to care for those you love.
Hollis insists that keeping your dreams hidden away, even if you’re secretly working on them, is the same as hiding part of yourself—and this takes a toll on your well-being. She believes that if you deny what your soul needs, it will manifest in illness, anxiety, and depression.
In regard to the idea of selfishness, Hollis points out that a fulfilled woman will be better in all of her relationships. She’ll be a better partner, a better parent, a better friend, and so on.
Motherhood Martyrdom Burdens Your Children With Guilt
As we’ve established, it is a cultural expectation that good mothers sacrifice for their children. What is less often considered is the guilt that this sacrifice produces, and who is bearing the weight of it.
Gemma Hartley, author of Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward, wrote in The Washington Post about witnessing her mother’s college graduation. Her mother had quit college when Gemma was born, and she didn’t resume until she was well into her 50s. When Gemma watched her mother cross the stage and receive her diploma, she saw her mother as an individual for the first time—living only for herself, for one brief moment.
Gemma was plagued with guilt for being “the thing” that made her mom quit college so many years before. She reflected on herself as a mother, and how she had begun setting aside her dreams of being a writer in the name of motherhood martyrdom. She decided in that moment that she would begin living for herself and that her children would be better off because of it.
Hollis reminds you that you have only one life, and you shouldn’t spend it feeling guilty, embarrassed, or shameful about having a dream.
So what is Hollis’s advice? She says that the only way to live a full and happy life is to be open and honest about your dreams, goals, and desires. Hollis insists that being true to yourself is the most important thing you can do in life. She explains that it doesn’t matter if your dreams are big or small in someone else’s eyes, they just have to be important to you. Some women may dream of being an astronaut, while others may dream of running their own Etsy shop. Hollis says both dreams are equally valid if they feed your soul.
(Shortform note: Even though much of this book focuses on career ambition, your passion doesn’t have to be work-related and doesn’t have to make money. Many people work day jobs and fulfill their dreams and passions as hobbies. For example, your dream might be to live in India for a year, or to see every baseball stadium in America. Hollis’s main point is, don’t hold yourself back with small dreams when your heart is asking for more.)
So far, we have established that women learn from an early age that to be “good” is to meet others’ expectations, and that the primary expectation placed upon women is to take care of everyone around them.
Once you decide that you’re worthy of having your own dreams and goals, Hollis says the next excuse you’re likely to tell yourself is that your dream is too lofty, and you’re not good enough at (fill in the blank) to accomplish it.
For example, your dream might be to hike to the top of Mount Shasta, but you get winded climbing one flight of stairs. Your inner dialogue might go something like this: “I’m not even capable of walking up two flights of stairs. There’s no way I could make it to the top of a mountain!” You convince yourself that you’re destined to fail.
Hollis tells us that everybody holds certain self-limiting beliefs—these are insecurities specific to you that will hold you back. She says it’s important to remember that these insecurities are merely opinions you have about yourself that can be combated with positive truths.
Self-Esteem Versus Self-Efficacy
While they are different, self-esteem and self-efficacy both fuel self-limiting beliefs. If you are holding yourself back, start by identifying whether you’re doubting yourself as a person or if it’s your capability that you’re questioning.
Self-esteem is the opinion you have about yourself as a person; about who you are. If you have high self-esteem, you believe that you’re a good person.
Self-efficacy is the opinion you have about your abilities; about what you’re capable of doing.
It is common to have high self-esteem and low self-efficacy, or vice versa. The two aren’t tied together. For example, you may believe you’re a smart person but not capable of passing a certain test. In that case, you would have high self-esteem but low self-efficacy. Or, if you believe that you’re a bad person but know that you’re a great lawyer, that is low self-esteem and high self-efficacy.
Hollis says that believing you’re not capable is an excuse because the truth is, everybody struggles at the start of something new and challenging.
Hollis believes that to become successful in any new venture, it’s not important to be naturally good at whatever you’re doing. Rather, you must have the willingness to be bad at it for a long time. She stresses that expecting instant or rapid improvement is a mistake and will sabotage genuine progress.
(Shortform note: Instant gratification and fulfillment rarely coexist. Fulfillment comes from achieving something that is deeply and truly important to you. Instant gratification satisfies the pleasure center in your brain, which isn’t your deeper level of desire. For example, you don’t deeply care about pizza, but when you eat it you receive instant gratification. The same can be said for goals. When you work slowly and steadily toward your dream, the importance becomes deeper to you and achieving it provides greater fulfillment.)
Hollis gives a couple of reasons why not being capable “yet” doesn’t matter. First, she points out that this is true with every new skill you attempt. For example, babies aren’t born knowing how to crawl, walk, or talk. Imagine if they quit before starting, or shortly after starting. It’s silly when you think of it that way, isn’t it?
Second, she says not being capable “yet” has no bearing on what you can accomplish in the future. Continuing with the first example, just because a baby isn’t crawling yet does not mean she will never walk.
(Shortform note: When you embark on a new goal, it may be helpful to research what the typical learning curve is. For example, how long does it take most people to train for a marathon if their starting point is zero? How long does it take most people to complete prerequisites for medical school? This isn’t to say that you should compare yourself to others if your learning curve is steeper or slower; rather, having this information ahead of time likely will ease your worry if you’re worried about your starting point.)
Hollis makes a clear distinction between making mistakes and failing. She stresses that you will make mistakes. Mistakes are inevitable and will help you develop best practices. She contrasts this with the idea of failure, which is avoidable. Hollis defines failure as letting mistakes scare you into not learning and continuing.
(Shortform note: Mistakes can be a powerful tool for self-improvement—that is, if you treat them as such. Start by taking responsibility for the mistake. Then reflect on why you made the mistake (don’t dwell; this part should be quick), and make a plan for next time. It is also helpful to write a list of reasons why you don’t want to make the same mistake again.)
Hollis warns her readers to avoid the trap of unhealthy comparison. She says that if you’re comparing yourself to others, it should be for the purpose of learning and not to gauge your capability for success.
(Shortform note: Comparing your journey to others’ can easily turn into an unhealthy habit, particularly if you use social media posts to do it. For example, it is rare to find an Etsy crafter who posts pictures of her shoddy first creations. On the rare occasion that you do see this, it is usually only one photo; in reality, the first 20 or more that she made are probably not very good. Keep in mind that social media posts are curated and lead the viewer to believe what the poster wants them to believe.)
Hollis asserts that the best way to defeat self-limiting beliefs (opinions) is to remind yourself of factual evidence to the contrary. Put another way, for every negative thought you have about your capabilities, refute it with indisputable facts.
For example, if you’re inclined to tell yourself that you’re not smart enough to get a college degree, remind yourself of a time when something was intellectually difficult but you made it through. Or, if you feel you’re not fit enough to climb that mountain, remind yourself of a time when your body accomplished something amazing.
Self-Limiting Belief: I Am Not Smart
Hollis’s most challenging self-limiting belief was that she wasn’t “smart enough” to run a big business, mostly because she never went to college. It was such a strong belief that it almost kept her from growing her business past a small one-person blog into the large multimedia corporation it is now.
In his book Limitless, author Jim Kwik says this self-limiting belief is common. He helps his readers combat the belief by teaching them how to recognize their type of intelligence and how they can use it to their advantage. For example, someone might believe that they aren’t intelligent because they did poorly in school, but in reality, they have what is called “practical intelligence,” also known as street smarts. This type of intelligence is no less valuable than the other types, and it can be powerful once embraced.
The older we get, the less tolerance we have for failure. Tap into your inner child and remember what it’s like to really try at something.
Think of a skill you acquired as a child that took a lot of practice (jump roping, cartwheels, learning your times tables, and so on). What was it?
If you had to guess, how many times do you think you practiced this skill?
Now think of a skill you tried to learn as an adult. Something that you didn’t master and gave up on. What was it?
How many attempts do you believe you made at learning this skill?
Do you believe if you had practiced as many times as you did with your childhood skill, the result would have been different? Why or why not?
Besides self-limiting beliefs about capability, another excuse that Hollis says keeps women from pursuing their dreams is the notion that if it’s been done already, there’s no point in doing it again.
As Hollis points out, women tend to believe that in order for a dream to be worth pursuing, it must be revolutionary—something that has never been done and will change the world.
(Shortform note: If women place value on their dream’s capacity to better the world, perhaps this comes from the childhood conditioning that whatever they pursue, it must be in service to others.)
According to Hollis, there are three main reasons why women abandon their dream once they realize it isn’t unique:
(Shortform note: It is worth considering that if a woman is going to face significant adversity and risk being ostracized for her goal, she probably wants a guarantee from the beginning that her dream is a) achievable and b) worth it. This line of thinking is dangerous in itself, as there are no guarantees in life, and it can keep her from even trying.)
In response to the excuse that your dream isn’t unique, Hollis drops this truth bomb: Your dream isn’t unique—but that’s okay.
Hollis urges you to acknowledge these truths about your dream:
If the first two points are true, then why exactly is your dream still worth pursuing? Hollis provides four reasons: It is enjoyable; the world needs more than one; being the best isn’t necessary for success; and you will regret it if you don’t do it.
First, it is enjoyable. Hollis maintains you must be true to yourself, and part of that is enjoying what you spend most of your time doing. In other words, don’t underestimate the importance of joy in life. Consider the following examples of things that have been done before: Eating is done by everybody, but do you still like eating? Sex isn’t new, but can you imagine life without it? Have you ever chosen to watch a remake of a movie?
Joy Versus Pleasure
A dream should provide absolute joy to your life, but because of the sacrifices it takes to get there, it will be limited in pleasures.
At first glance, the words joy and pleasure appear to be synonyms. However, there’s a big difference between the two. Pleasure is a quick and cheap thrill; something that is easily attained, short-lived, and provided from an outside source. Pleasure is eating a piece of candy, soaking in a bathtub, or watching a great movie. Pleasure has its place, but it can be dangerous when overdone. For example, social media, drugs, and alcohol are all forms of pleasure that are highly addictive.
Joy, rather, comes from within. You can’t have it instantly just because you want it, and because of this, it lasts longer and is more fulfilling. Think of joy as connecting with your inner child. The joy you felt as a kid when you experienced something amazing for the first time and went home and dreamed about it is different from the pleasure you receive from a glass of wine.
Second, the world needs more than one. Hollis points out an obvious yet overlooked fact of life: The world couldn’t function with only one of everything. For example, imagine if the world had only one teacher, or one doctor. Or, imagine if nobody made music after The Beatles. Hollis tells us that “being first” shouldn’t factor into our dream’s value.
(Shortform note: Artists and scientists in particular build upon the work of their predecessors. For example, Copernicus and Galileo studied the stars over 600 years ago, and there have been countless astronomers since, each furthering the science of the one who came before him or her. Stephen Hawking wouldn’t be the Stephen Hawking we know without the work of predecessors to build on.)
Third, being the best isn’t necessary for success. Hollis acknowledges that we often fear that our dream is a “lesser” version of someone else’s, but she doesn’t want this to stop you. For example, some people might argue that Beyonce is the greatest living R&B singer. If we assume this to be true, does this keep Rihanna from being successful? Would you not want to be Rihanna?
(Shortform note: Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) contends that it’s a horrible goal to be mediocre, but that it is a perfectly fine result. He argues that to be exceptional you must take an area that you have natural talent in, and then work ridiculously hard to develop that skill to an extraordinary level. The likelihood that you have extreme natural talent and then also work hard enough to be the best at it is rare. So he recommends you shoot for the moon and land among the stars.)
Fourth, and finally, you will regret not pursuing your dream. Remember Hollis’s admonition about giving your soul what it’s asking for? Here it is. As Hollis points out, someone else accomplishing your dream doesn’t scratch your itch, does it? She wants you to accept that this dream has been nagging at you for a reason. It is your soul wanting to fly, and to deny it is to keep your soul in a cage.
(Shortform note: One study showed that the biggest regret experienced by people on their deathbed was not something that they did but something that they didn’t do. Inaction, or not trying, was most commonly cited.)
Hollis recommends you reframe your thinking: Instead of seeing someone else’s success as a roadblock, view it as a roadmap.
She gives three reasons you should celebrate someone else accomplishing your dream. First, their success is proof that it is possible. Second, you can learn from their experiences. And third, you can use these people as teachers and allies on your journey.
(Shortform note: When somebody else has already accomplished your goal, this is an excellent opportunity to develop a mentor-mentee relationship. If you feel nervous or stuck on how to approach a possible mentor, this article in the Harvard Business Review gives step-by-step instructions, including templates. One of their tips: Keep the first meeting casual instead of jumping straight into discussions about business.)
When you start doubting yourself, Hollis recommends you to go back to your “why.” Why do you need to do this? As she points out, your dream itself may not be unique, but your deeper reason for wanting it is. Referring to the earlier example, while Rihanna and Beyonce may have the same dream of musical superstardom, they each have their own reasons for wanting it.
(Shortform note: Is fear of success holding you back? While it may sound silly, anxiety around succeeding is fairly common and may lead to self-sabotage. You may have a fear of success if you find yourself imagining the downsides to achieving your dream. For example, if your dream is to be a successful actress, and you begin wondering how you will manage the hard work and pressure, you may be self-sabotaging. Rather than creating negative imagined scenarios, focus on your why.)
Of all the excuses Hollis highlights, she says the most common one she hears is, “I don’t have time.” At this point, you have decided that you can be a good woman and still have a goal, that you’re capable of achieving said goal, and that your goal is worth pursuing even though it’s already been done. The excuse you might tell yourself now is: I will start once I find the time.
Hollis notes that in an ideal world, we would all have time for work, to socialize, to exercise, to have quality time with our families, engage in hobbies, practice self-care, and get a full night of sleep…
However, we don’t live in an ideal world and there’s a reason why “there aren’t enough hours in the day” is a common refrain. Hollis points out that in this world, where most people already feel like they can’t fulfill their obligations and still take care of themselves, the thought of adding another task to our already full plates can seem overwhelming and downright impossible.
Overwhelm Paralysis
Have you ever had so much to do that you took a nap instead? Counterintuitive, yes, but common. According to Dr. Ellen Hendrickson, when we are faced with a large to-do list, particularly if the items on that list are complicated or difficult, our brains don’t see tasks, they see scarcity. Our brains see a lack of time, the possibility of failure, and the consequences of not completing the tasks at hand. These are all danger cues.
When faced with danger, wild animals fight, flee, or freeze (in hopes of not being seen). Humans still have this instinctive response, and in moments of overwhelm, we often innately choose to freeze. In other words, we do nothing.
Later in this guide, Hollis suggests using “outcome lists” rather than “to-do lists” (see Skill 3: Effectiveness). However, if you find yourself immobilized by overwhelm, it is helpful to break your list down into bite-sized pieces. For example, if your list says “clean the house,” and you feel paralyzed, it might be more helpful to create a longer list that includes items such as “wipe off the kitchen counter,” and “vacuum the bedroom.” Smaller steps that feel more concrete and manageable will help break the paralysis.
Hollis acknowledges that everybody has the same 24 hours in each day. She maintains, however, that how we choose to use those 24 hours is what separates those who accomplish their goals from those who don’t. Put another way, high achievers have figured out how to best utilize their time.
Hollis puts forth a simple truth: You won’t find more hours. It is impossible to find more hours because all 24 hours of your day are already filled. There are no blank hours in your day. Something is always happening—whether it is working, sleeping, scrolling, or watching television.
Instead of trying to find hours, Hollis says you need to make time by redesignating what fills your hours. She stresses that you can replace any activity with a different activity; the choice is entirely yours.
For example, let’s say you normally cook dinner every night from 5 to 6 p.m. If you decide to cook a frozen meal from 5:45 to 6 p.m. twice a week, you’ll free up 1.5 hours for another activity.
Timeboxing: A Technique for Balancing Your Schedule
Hollis recommends you redesignate your current hours, but she doesn’t provide a clear strategy for how to do it. Nir Eyal, author and investor, has a simple but effective strategy for managing the time you already have. Described in his book Indistractible, timeboxing is the technique of preemptively blocking out chunks of time on your calendar and designating them for certain activities.
What this looks like: On your calendar, schedule your entire day or week using different colors and categories. For example, you might spend from 5 to 7 p.m. each night cooking and eating dinner with your family. You might be tempted not to include items on your calendar that you routinely do every day (after all, you don’t need the reminder), but you will want to put them on there anyway, as you will see next.
Why it works: There are two major benefits to timeboxing. First, it allows you to keep balance in your schedule. If you are worried about work-life balance, you can take a quick glance at your color-coded calendar to see where the bulk of your time is being spent. Second, this method keeps you on task. It is easy to get caught up in a project and find that suddenly your entire day is gone, and you haven’t even touched the rest of your responsibilities. Giving yourself an end time will ensure that you don’t waste time.
Hollis acknowledges that redesignating your hours can feel like a sacrifice. Sometimes, you’ll replace mindless television watching with a fulfilling activity, and that feels good. However, other times you might have to sacrifice something meaningful (like time with your family), and that can feel bad.
To ease the sting, she recommends that you be intentional about how you schedule your time and prioritize the parts of your life that are most important to you.
(Shortform note: It is also a good idea to have a conversation with yourself about which sacrifices are temporary and which are permanent. For example, you might be more likely to give up Taco Tuesdays with the girls if you know that it is only until after your marathon. Consider what you’re giving up, for how long, and your reason for doing it. If you keep these answers in mind, you’ll be less likely to give in.)
Hollis recommends you start by “making” five hours available each week to work on your goal by reducing or eliminating other activities. Here’s her step-by-step plan:
How Many Hours Should You Dedicate To Your Goal?
Hollis recommends starting with five hours per week, but is this enough time to effectively pursue your dream? Throughout her book, she discusses working tirelessly toward her dreams, often working late into the night and early in the morning. Grant Cardone, author of The 10X Rule, claims that working 95 hours per week is required to achieve success, and other self-made millionaires agree. One even stated that in the first year of starting a business, you should put in 18 hours of work a day, seven days a week.
It is important to keep in mind that the number of hours you put in depends on what your dream is and how many sacrifices you’re willing to make. This is a personal decision and there’s no right or wrong answer. Hollis likely recommends five hours because this is a manageable starting point.
If someone has already done what you want you to do, strategize how to use them as a resource instead of seeing them as a threat.
What is one goal you’d like to work on in the next year?
Is there somebody you know who has already accomplished this goal? (You don’t have to know them personally—it can be an acquaintance, friend of a friend, or someone you just know of.) If so, who is it?
Brainstorm three ways this person can help you achieve your goal. (Answering questions, mentoring, connecting you to another person or resource, and so on.)
Because women are conditioned from childhood to care for others and not make waves, their self-worth and other people’s opinions are often interwoven. The next excuse that Hollis addresses is the belief that what other people think of your dream matters.
Hollis explains that this excuse keeps many women in the fantasy state and stops them from taking their first steps toward their goals. So what might this excuse look like?
Example: A woman who dropped out of high school and has been raising children for the past 10 years decides she wants to become a doctor. Her first thought might be, everyone is going to laugh at me for having such a huge ambition when I haven’t even finished high school. This fear of other people’s opinions might stop her from even starting. But the truth is, her ability to become a doctor has nothing to do with her starting point.
(Shortform note: For some, the act of daydreaming or fantasizing is in itself a satisfying act. It’s the reason why planning a vacation is often more exciting than the vacation itself. Why would this be? In our fantasies, we get to enjoy the reward without all of the work and adversity that is required to achieve it in real life. Sometimes, a fantasy is enough. However, you will know something is a true dream when you return to the same fantasy over and over, and it’s not enough to satisfy you.)
Despite our paralyzing preoccupation with what other people are thinking and saying about us, Hollis points out this truth: Most people rarely think about you. In reality, she says, most people are much more concerned with themselves and what others think of them.
(Shortform note: A famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt sheds light on this topic: “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” Doubtful? Ask yourself how often you think about your neighbor down the street and compare it to how often you think about yourself.)
And as for those who are thinking about you? Hollis points out that they almost always view you through their own lens, not as you truly are. Consider these two examples:
Example 1: A person who worries about her own abilities as a mother is likely hyperfocused on motherhood and will judge everyone’s actions through the lens of parenting.
Example 2: A person who is struggling to lose weight is likely to have an emotional reaction to any conversation regarding fitness or nutrition, which can manifest as judgmental body language, words, and tone of voice.
Hollis maintains that these people’s current situations and their own past experiences color their judgments and are completely separate from you.
(Shortform note: The ones who do think about you are the ones who care about you the most (your mom, for example). Take comfort in knowing that those who care about you typically have your best interest at heart. They may still judge you through their lens, but their intentions are likely good. If you doubt their intentions, see Behavior 4: Stand Your Ground to help you decide whether they deserve to be in your life.)
When somebody has a negative judgment of you, Hollis advises that you first determine whether that judgment is real or if you’re assuming it.
If the opinion is assumed, she says, don’t worry about it. It’s not real. It is in your head.
If the opinion truly exists (you heard it or read it yourself), then ask yourself: Did it come from somebody who matters? Do you know this person and care about their opinion? If you don’t know or care about this person, Hollis tells you to let it go.
If you know and respect this person, Hollis suggests asking yourself: Did they offer their opinion with kindness and love? If they didn’t, disregard it. This person may not have your best interest at heart. If they did offer the opinion with compassion, Hollis tells you to take their words under consideration but don’t accept them as gospel truth.
When in Doubt, Brainstorm With Someone Who Has Your Back
If you begin doubting yourself based on a belief that somebody else has about you, try asking for honest feedback from someone who you know has your best interest at heart. If the person truly cares about you, they’ll point out realistic obstacles that you’re likely to face. This does not mean that the obstacles are insurmountable. Brainstorm with your loved one ways that you can overcome them.
Let’s take the case of the woman who wants to become a doctor. If she were to hear doubt or ridicule from a family member, she should turn to her best friend, partner, mother (whoever she feels closest to) and say, “I know this is going to be difficult, but it is my dream and I am up for the challenge. Can you help me think of all the obstacles I’m going to face and brainstorm solutions with me?”
Using this method, you will find that those closest to you will want you to succeed and are willing to help you.
By now you’ve decided that your goal is worth having—that you are worth it. You’re capable of achieving it, you don’t care if it’s been done before, and you have made time to work toward it. Bonus: You have even stopped caring what other people think of your dream. But now you worry that the other areas of your life will suffer.
Hollis empathizes with your fears. That if you sacrifice time with your partner to work on your goal, your relationship will weaken. That if you choose to work instead of stay home, your children won’t feel as loved as they could. That you will lose friends if you scale back your social life. Hollis insists that this fear that you can’t have it all is an excuse that will hold you back.
(Shortform note: These fears don’t need to be ignored. In fact, fears are useful in that they define what we don’t want in our lives. You can use them as a tool to stay grounded in the pursuit of your dream. Write your fears down at the beginning of your journey and refer to them from time to time to make sure that you’re maintaining the relationships that are important to you.)
Many people aim for balance in life (most commonly, work-life balance), but Hollis believes you should instead strive to be “centered,” which means to feel content and at peace with all areas of your life.
She believes that achieving balance in all areas of our lives is impossible. Time can never be equally divided among all areas of your life, all of the time. And even if it could be, that still doesn’t mean that every important moment could be attended to. She stresses that work and home will always compete, and sacrifices will always be needed. In fact, she points out that we all struggle with balance in our lives even if we aren’t working on a goal, so we might as well be going after what we want.
So how do we achieve this centeredness? Hollis believes that the easiest way to achieve contentment and relieve yourself of guilt is to intentionally prioritize the important moments.
Are Being Centered and Being Grounded the Same Thing?
Two phrases that are often thrown around in conjunction are “being centered” and “being grounded.” But are they interchangeable? According to Psychology Today, while they’re similar, they’re not the same.
To be grounded is to live in the present moment. You aren’t dwelling on the past or worrying about the “what ifs” of the future. There’s a peacefulness that occurs when you live only in the present. How does this relate to goals? Well, let’s say your goal is to run a marathon. Instead of focusing on the past (I’ve never been a runner) or fixating on the future (How will I find time in my schedule to train the longer runs?), focus on living in the moment: I am running one mile right now.
To be centered is to have a place to return to—a value that is paramount to others and can be thought of as a destination. Using the previous example, if the most important thing in your life is your family, use that as your center and work your marathon training around your time with them.
Rather than focusing on the number of hours you spend on family, friends, work, and so on, Hollis advises being intentional about when you focus on each. Go for quality over quantity, and the guilt will melt away.
For example, your children won’t remember the number of hours you spent with them each day, but they’ll remember if you had dinner with them every night, or if you showed up for their dance recital. They’ll remember the family movie nights and one-on-one chats over breakfast.
As another example, your partner would rather have an hour or two of your undivided attention in the evening than an entire day together where you’re checking your emails and your mind is elsewhere.
(Shortform note: If you’re unsure whether you’re doing this right, check in with your most important relationships frequently to gauge whether your loved ones feel you’re there for them. For children, this might be a Sunday night conversation in which you ask, “What is happening this week that is important to you?” When you know what is important to others, it is easier to be there for the right moments.)
So how can you make sure you’re giving enough quality time where it’s needed? When scheduling your week (remember, Hollis said weekly is the key), start by placing your priorities on the calendar—the moments that you will feel sad or guilty for missing. All of your other responsibilities can be worked into your calendar around these moments.
(Shortform note: This is an excellent opportunity to utilize timeboxing, as discussed in Excuse 4: I Have No Free Time. Remember, timeboxing is the strategy of setting start and end times to all activities in your life to ensure that priorities are being met.)
When possible, outsource the tasks that aren’t meaningful. Hollis is a big believer in utilizing help (more on this in Behavior 3: Advocate For Yourself) and she gives many suggestions for how to winnow your list of responsibilities so that you can give more time to the important stuff.
For example, if your housework is taking time away from your priorities, and it is causing you to feel uncentered and guilty, outsource it. Hire a housekeeper (if you have the means), divide the housework among family members to share the load, or let some parts of your house be messier. Her point is, your time is valuable. Use it in areas that are important to you.
(Shortform note: One of the most effective ways to prioritize your time is to embrace the power of saying “no.” As discussed in Behavior 3: Advocate for Yourself, when you say no to requests that don’t serve you, you free up more time for your priorities. Hollis recommends you decline in a firm, polite, and immediate manner.)
A final note: Some weeks will be heavier on work and others will be heavier in other areas, but if you prioritize with intention, you will feel centered overall.
Part of feeling centered is knowing that the time we spend with our loved ones is of high quality. Start by identifying the most important moments to share and then make sure you are present.
Think of one person who is very important to you. Who is it?
In the upcoming month, which moments does this person most want to share with you? (Feel free to ask.) Which moments do you most want to share with them?
What can you specifically add to your calendar in the next month to ensure that you are present with this loved one?
So far, Hollis has explained how to recognize self-sabotaging excuses and how to eliminate them. Next, she discusses how to take that new mindset of taking control of your life and apply it to behaviors that will help you succeed.
She stresses that our behavior and habits are choices, whether or not we are conscious of them. Because of this, we are capable of changing our behaviors so that they better serve us.
In this section, we will examine each of the behaviors that Hollis identifies as being crucial to success and discuss strategies for implementing the behavior in your own life.
Before any other behaviors can be modified, Hollis strongly suggests you start by laying a healthy foundation. These are the habits and routines that will allow your new mindset and behaviors to flourish.
Hollis believes that these foundational elements are the most important of all the behaviors, and that motivation and mindset won’t matter if your daily routine sabotages your efforts.
She identified three key areas to focus on: health, cleanliness, and community.
Once you have established healthy routines in each of these areas, Hollis believes you will be ready to tackle your goals using your new mindset and behavior adaptations.
(Shortform note: What makes these three areas important? One theory is that all three contribute to your energy levels. Taking a look at Lifehack’s list of 74 Healthy Habits That Will Drastically Improve Every Area of Your Life, you will notice that essentially every item listed (chew your food, walk at lunchtime, and so on.) could be classified into one of the three categories Hollis examines. The running theme in both Lifehack’s list and Hollis’s is that your overall energy and zest for life will increase if you incorporate the habits they discuss.)
Habits are patterned choices that we make (often subconsciously) and Hollis explains that they’re composed of three parts: a cue, an action, and a reward.
As we go through the areas that Hollis believes should be your foundational daily habits for mental and physical health, remember that habits have this predictable formula. Take note of what your cues, actions, and rewards are and how you might adjust them to replace your bad habits with good ones.
What Is the Most Effective Way to Break a Bad Habit?
Our habits are often subconscious, but they aren’t complicated. In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear breaks down how habits are originally formed in our brains. Similar to Hollis’s cue-action-reward theory, Clear contends habits consist of a cue, a craving, a response, and a reward.
Why Willpower Doesn’t Work
Resisting the habit alone won’t break it, because “not giving in” isn’t a reward in itself. As noted in Atomic Habits, in order to replace a bad habit with a good one, you must feel rewarded.
Clear posits that the cue and craving make up the “problem” half of the habit. The response and reward are the “solution” half. To replace a bad habit with a healthy one, the way you get to the reward (the response) is the part that needs to change.
Example: A woman suffers from panic attacks and notices that they often follow conversations with her mother. After finishing a phone call with her mother, she often has a bottle of wine and it immediately eases her anxiety. The cue is talking with her mother, the craving is the bottle of wine, the response is drinking the wine, and the reward is the loss of anxiety.
The cue will stay the same (assuming she keeps the relationship with her mother) and she wants the same reward (a decrease in anxiety), so to break her wine habit, she’ll need to replace the response with something that gives her the same reward. After trying different things, she discovers that a hot bath with good music eases her anxiety as well. After she does that for a while instead of drinking, her craving will eventually switch from the desire to drink to the desire to relax in a bath.
Had she simply resisted the urge to drink, she wouldn’t have received the reward, and she would be unlikely to continue resisting.
The first of Hollis’s three key areas to develop positive habits is health. As she explains, tackling goals is much more efficient when your body and mind are operating at peak performance. Within this umbrella category of health, Hollis has identified what she believes to be the five most important daily habits for a healthy body and healthy mind.
1. Wake up early: Hollis recommends waking up an hour before everyone else in your house—the idea being that you have that hour to work on your goals before you start living for everyone else. She clarifies that this might not be practical if you’re currently going through a major life change that is already disrupting your sleep (for example, if you have a newborn). Note: While Hollis believes it is powerful to start your day on the right foot by spending it on yourself, she stresses that the important habit is to set aside an hour somewhere in your day.
Hollis has a structured morning routine that sets her day up for success. She wakes up at 5 a.m. to give herself almost two hours of alone time before her family wakes up. She starts her day with a glass of water before sitting down with coffee to work on her current project. After finishing her morning work, she meditates for 15 minutes. She then does some journaling, where she sets her intentions for that day and writes down a few lines of gratitude and a personal affirmation.
At this point, Hollis wakes up her children and spends the next hour in mom mode. Once her kids are at school, she gets herself ready for work while listening to loud, upbeat music. After she is ready, she makes herself a green smoothie for breakfast.
Her final act of the morning before heading to work is writing down her dreams and one goal (we’ll explain this in detail in Part 4).
Hollis’s morning routine is a similar but abridged version of author Hal Elrod’s recommendations in The Miracle Morning. Elrod recommends you do the following each morning:
Engage in silence: Some might call this meditation. He says the important thing is to sit still, avoid sound, and live in the present moment.
Speak affirmations: Elrod believes in the power of saying your affirmations aloud and with emotion.
Visualize your dream life: Take a few moments to daydream in detail, focusing on your current goal.
Exercise your body: Get your blood flowing to jumpstart your energy for the day.
Read a book: Elrod says to read at least 10 pages each morning on a topic that interests you.
Write: Journaling, letter writing, words of gratitude are all suggestions.
2. Hydrate: Hollis advises drinking half of your body weight in ounces of water each day. For example, if you weigh 150 pounds, she believes you should drink 75 ounces of water daily. Hydration provides a multitude of health benefits, but the one she focuses on the most is the energy you will have if you drink up.
Counterargument: 8 Glasses of Water Each Day Is a Myth
It is commonly believed that humans need to consume at least eight (8-ounce) glasses of water every day to be hydrated; and if you weigh more than 160 pounds, Hollis believes you should drink even more. However, this advice isn’t supported by science, as detailed in a heavily researched New York Times article. Yes, hydration is crucial for health, but most of your hydration comes from the food you consume and even from beverages such as coffee and tea (which are mistakenly touted as being dehydrating beverages).
Overhydration: How Much Is Too Much?
Though rare, it is possible to drink too much water. Symptoms of overhydration include confusion, drowsiness, and headaches. Ideally, your urine should be straw- or tea-colored. If your urine is perfectly clear, you may be drinking too much water.
3. Eat Healthy: Putting good food into your body gives you more energy and a better attitude, but Hollis acknowledges that overhauling your diet overnight is an unrealistic expectation. Instead, she suggests choosing one unhealthy category of food that you regularly consume and eliminating it for 30 days. Why 30 days? Because this is about how long it takes for a behavior to become a habit. Hollis stresses that the exercise isn’t about the food you’re giving up—you can replace diet soda with an equally sugary drink, such as lemonade. Rather, it’s about making a commitment to yourself and following through.
After the 30 Days
Hollis doesn’t explain what to do after these 30 days are up, or discuss how this month-long act would contribute to healthy eating habits in the long term. While 30 days is a great start, sticking with a commitment long term is more challenging.
As we discussed in a previous section, Atomic Habits tells us that willpower isn’t a long-term solution when you’re trying to break a bad habit. To make permanent changes in your eating habits, incorporate psychological rewards.
Mireille Guiliano, author of French Women Don’t Get Fat, advocates eating for pleasure. She believes that if you eat quality foods you relish (think a perfectly cooked steak versus a fast food hamburger), you’ll consume less because the reward center of your brain is more quickly activated. She explains how to indulge in your favorite foods while maintaining a healthy lifestyle, which is more sustainable long term compared to elimination diets.
Some tips from French Women Don’t Get Fat:
Eat three times a day at regular intervals (avoid impulse or boredom snacking)
Choose quality ingredients and cook them yourself (the process of preparing a meal is satisfying in itself)
Present your food beautifully (use nice dishes, colorful foods, and plating techniques)
Eat indulgent foods in smaller portions (a small full-fat dessert is better than a large low-fat dessert)
4. Move Your Body: Every day, Hollis recommends moving for at least 30 minutes. It does not need to be an intense workout—you can go for a walk or dance with your kids. The idea is simply to not be sedentary. As with hydration and eating healthy, Hollis stresses that keeping your body in motion will provide you with ample energy.
(Shortform note: The amount of time you spend exercising may not be as important as how often you move. One study concluded that moving for even three minutes every half hour counteracts the health detriments of all-day sitting—excellent news if you work a desk job.)
Do We Really Need 10,000 Steps a Day?
If walking is your movement of choice, you might strive for 10,000 steps each day. This is common advice given in hundreds of articles. However, there’s no scientific basis for this number. Rather, the number came from the inventor of the pedometer back in 1965.
A study done in 2019 on women over 70 revealed that the health benefits of walking began at around 4,400 steps per day and plateaued at around 7,500 steps per day.
5. Practice Gratitude: Of her five healthy living components, Hollis believes gratitude is the most important. She recommends writing down 10 things you’re grateful for each day, big or small. Make them specific (I am thankful my husband brought me coffee this morning vs. I am thankful for a good husband). She believes if you write your gratitudes down every single day, your mind will become conditioned to recognize blessings; as a result, you will attract even more opportunities.
Gratitude Connects Us to Others
When we express gratitude, we acknowledge that our life has goodness in it, and that it comes from someone or something outside of ourselves. This acknowledgment allows us to connect: to other humans, to a higher power, or to the natural world.
Connection is the opposite of loneliness, and it leads to a happier and healthier life overall. One study conducted over 10 weeks found that those who reflected on what they were grateful for felt more positive overall, exercised more, and had fewer visits to the doctor compared to those who were asked to reflect daily on aggravations.
The second of Hollis’s three key areas to develop positive habits is cleanliness. She states that your environment is often a reflection of your internal life, and she believes if you want to feel in control of your life, you should start with controlling your space.
Hollis believes that your space should be clean and organized, as well as reflect your goals and vision.
She notes that your space might be an entire house, or it could be as small as your desk at work. Whatever your situation, she instructs you to find the space that belongs entirely to you, and make it extraordinary.
Extreme Organization: A Double-Edged Sword?
Studies have shown that living and working in a disordered space is connected with higher levels of stress, anxiety, inability to focus, and depression. Whether the space is disordered because the person is already suffering from those maladies or vice versa is up for debate and likely to be a self-feeding loop.
However, the need for a clean and organized space to properly function can also be a symptom of mental health dysfunction, such as obsessive compulsive disorder.
In addition to cleanliness, Hollis advises you to visually display your dream somewhere in your space as a daily reminder of what you’re working to accomplish. This could take the form of images, words, vision boards, and so on.
(Shortform note: Vision boards speak to the idea of the law of attraction (also known as manifestation). The theory is that thinking about something enough will eventually draw it to you. Perhaps the most well-known book on this subject is The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.)
The third of Hollis’s three key areas in which to develop positive habits is community.
There’s a popular adage (most often attributed to motivational speaker Jim Rohn) that claims you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. In other words, if your friends are all at the top of their game, you probably will be too. Conversely, if all of your friends are criminals, there’s a good chance you will commit crimes as well.
Hollis subscribes to this belief, detailing how your friendships can pull you up or drag you down. She encourages you to surround yourself with people who support and inspire your personal growth.
Hollis’s advice? Take inventory of your friendships. Are your friends supportive of your personal growth? Do they have goals of their own? Are they open-minded and committed to lifelong learning? If not, they’ll drag you down, and Hollis believes you should limit or eliminate your time with them. She advises you to instead seek out friends who will lift you up.
Research Shows That You’re the Average of More Than Five People
Research supports Hollis’s belief that your community affects your growth and development—but that community extends well beyond the people closest to you.
Bestselling author and former business professor David Burkus has learned through his research on the science of social networks that we are the average of far more than the five people we spend the most time with. In fact, our likelihood of becoming smokers or overweight is linked not only to who we spend time with, but to the people those people spend time with.
According to one study cited by Burkus, if the friend of a friend of a friend is a happy person, you are 6% more likely to be happy with your life. Compare this with only being 2% happier with your life if you get a $10,000 raise.
The message is that you should pay attention not only to your immediate friends, but to all of the social circles you participate in.
Identifying Supportive Friends
In 12 Rules for Life, Jordan B. Peterson teaches you how to identify unsupportive friendships. He advises you to keep your eyes open for the following red flags: The friend puts down your goals, is jealous when you succeed, downplays your achievements, or attempts to one-up you.
All habits consist of a cue, an action, and a reward. To change your habit, replace one action with another that provides the same reward.
Think of a bad habit that you would like to change—for instance, constantly checking your phone. What is the habit? What is your cue to do it? (In other words, what triggers the action?)
What is the reward you receive for performing the action? (Stress relief? Better sleep? Entertainment?)
Think of one alternative action you could take that would generate the same reward.
The next time you experience your cue, use your alternative action to achieve the reward.
Now that you have established a solid foundation, you’re ready to start leveraging your behaviors to support your goals. Hollis says this starts with trusting yourself.
Trusting your own voice as the authority in your life is a deliberate act, and it is the first block you should place on top of your foundation.
Hollis notes that throughout history, and across the globe, the vast majority of cultures have been patriarchal. This means that the voice of authority in nearly every government and community has been male since the beginning of time.
On a smaller scale, in many (not all) families, the father is the decision maker. So for most of us, the voice of authority growing up was male, and this is now ingrained in our subconscious beliefs about leadership.
If you’re a woman, Hollis says you must rewire this subconscious belief system in order to trust your own authority without the need for male validation. This takes conscious effort.
The Relationship Between Approval-Seeking and Codependence
Codependency is a psychological condition—often experienced by children of alcoholics and addicts—in which one person has an unhealthy need for another person’s approval.
Hollis is an admitted codependent. When she was growing up, every decision she made hinged on her father’s potential reaction. She sought his approval and feared his disappointment.
After a decade of marriage, Hollis realized she had transferred the position of authority from her father to her husband, and she was now living for his approval and seeking his validation with every decision she made. When Hollis eventually began trusting her own decision-making skills, it was a major catalyst for her success.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie explains this pattern of behavior in depth. Her message (and Hollis’s) is that you can only break free of codependence by recognizing that other people’s thoughts and behavior aren’t your responsibility nor are they within your control.
While civilization has long lauded male ambition, Hollis points out that society often views female ambition as a negative character trait.
Despite the many warnings against female ambition, particularly in social media, Hollis contends that ambition is acceptable for all people. Too often, society attaches qualifiers when discussing female ambition—for instance:
All of these qualifiers are unacceptable. As Hollis says, if rules about ambition are to exist, they should exist in the same way for all people in all seasons of their lives.
Counterargument: Single Women Are Less Likely to Express Ambition
According to a study cited by NPR, single women are much less likely to express career ambition than are married women. The leading theory behind this data is that single women fear that having ambition will make them less attractive to men. MBA students at a top university were asked to rate how “driven” they were and list the salary they desired. They were asked to fill out two forms with the same questions: One was to be given to a career counselor, and the other would be visible to their peers.
The single women had the greatest discrepancy between their forms. They lowered their salary requirement, number of hours they were willing to work, and their reported ambition level on the form that would be viewed by their peers.
So what can you do to embrace your ambition? To Hollis, ambition means putting extraordinary effort into your goals. Waking up early, working late into the night, asking for help when you need it, doing research, and taking initiative are all ways that she encourages you to embrace your ambition…unapologetically.
The Leadership Ambition Gap
In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg (chief operating officer of Facebook) highlights a leadership ambition gap between men and women. One survey she cites showed that twice as many men were interested in leadership roles.
While some argue that boys are inherently more interested in leadership than girls, Sandberg believes that the trait is passed down culturally, not biologically. One of the factors to blame, she believes, is the stigma that comes with female ambition.
After building healthy habits and trusting your own authority, Hollis wants you to advocate for yourself. Speak up—unapologetically—because while your “village” wants to help, they can’t read your mind.
Hollis says the two best ways to advocate for yourself (and move more quickly toward your goal) is to ask for help when you need it and say no to requests that will hinder your progress.
Nobody is self-made. Hollis dispels the myth that it is possible to be a self-made millionaire, or a self-made anything for that matter. Everybody needs help, and the more successful a person is, the more help they’re utilizing.
Before Hollis ran a multimedia company, she was a party planner for the Hollywood elite. This experience gave her a unique view into the lives of the uber rich and famous. As she explains, in her experience, the more prominent the person is, the more help they have in their life. Nannies, maids, personal chefs, personal trainers, dieticians, and even house managers, all help run their households. Professionally, these people use publicists, managers, social media specialists, and more.
Hollis says she gets angry when celebrities claim during interviews that they’re able to “do it all” by being really organized, or a hard worker. It bothers her because it perpetuates the myth that if you were more organized, or a harder worker, you too could have success plus a healthy home life. This mentality causes shame because you will blame yourself for not accomplishing as much as others, when the truth is, successful people have lots of help.
How Important Is Luck?
People who succeed not only have help from others but from luck as well.
According to Scientific American, luck and opportunity play a large role in successful life outcomes. Certain studies led researchers to this hypothesis, including one that showed correlations between your birth month and your likelihood of becoming a CEO. Italian researchers then created a highly complex 40-year life simulation, in which all “participants” were given equal talent but differing levels of luck. The outcomes showed that those who were luckier at the start became more and more fortunate throughout their life and fared better in the end.
Researchers concluded that you must have talent and luck to be successful. Talent allowed the fortunate to make the most out of their lucky opportunities, which supports Thomas Jefferson’s famous quote:
“I am a great believer in luck. And I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it.”
Hollis reminds us that we each have an entire village that we can turn to when we need help. This help can come in different forms:
Hollis explains that help can come from a variety of sources. If you have the means, as previously noted, you can hire people to help you, but having money isn’t necessary to receive support. She suggests turning to a friend, family member, or your partner and asking for what you need—that is, advocating for yourself. Hollis adds that when we show gratitude and offer support in return, people are usually happy to help.
(Shortform note: One method of giving and receiving help simultaneously is bartering. Bartering has its roots in ancient culture, but after the Great Recession, it made a comeback. Some people live the bartering lifestyle to make their lives easier, for example by swapping eye exams for home renovations.)
Hollis acknowledges that asking for help isn’t easy. Women in particular tend to feel guilty for inconveniencing anybody else, and she is no exception. However, as she says, this guilt must be overcome.
Hollis suggests you combat this guilt by showing true appreciation and trading favors. For example, if a friend is helping watch your kids a few afternoons a week, offer to bring them dinner or pet sit when they go on vacation. Find a way that you can return the favor, and show your appreciation verbally and through your actions.
(Shortform note: If you’re able to return the favor soon after you receive yours, this is a great practice. However, it should be acknowledged that relationships (friendships included) are rarely 50/50 (see Behavior 4: Stand Your Ground), so you might be returning the favor weeks or months later, and this is okay. For example, if a friend house sits for you in January, you can offer to house sit for them when they go on vacation in July.)
Hollis says another reason women struggle with asking for help is that they feel weak if they cannot “do it all” (see Excuse 6: “I Can’t Have It All”). She believes that women attach self-judgment to asking for help.
Remember, though, that work-life balance is a myth. As Hollis recommends, aim to be centered rather than balanced. The primary method of becoming centered is letting go of guilt over how you prioritize your time.
The Connection Between Help and Judgment
Brené Brown (shame expert and author of Daring Greatly) discusses in a 2013 interview with Oprah the connection between help and judgment. According to Brown, if you judge yourself when you ask for help, then you’re also judging others when you offer help. This can cause a bit of cognitive dissonance, as you’re likely thinking: I don’t judge others when they ask for help! However, consider this alternative viewpoint:
Try instead to view the need for help as a transaction. Acknowledge that you will help when somebody else needs it, and you will receive help when you need it. Taking this perspective will release any shame that you might otherwise feel when asking for help.
According to Hollis, there will be specific times when you need to ask for help.
1. When you have conflicting demands on your time, you might need help covering one part of your life while you focus on another. For example, if you have an important meeting to attend but your daughter also needs to be taken to her dentist appointment, you will need help. This might mean asking your partner, a family member, or friend for help, or hiring someone to take care of a task that is lower on your list of priorities.
(Shortform note: If you’re consistently finding that you don’t have enough time for your responsibilities, you should take a hard look at your priorities and eliminate what isn’t important. Asking for help because of a time crunch is okay in moderation, but others will grow tired of helping if they believe you’re chronically ill-scheduled. Consider embracing a minimalist mindset as a strategy. Minimalism isn’t just about physical possessions—fewer commitments means less mental clutter and more time.)
2. If it involves promotion or engagement, you will need to reach out to your social media followers, friends, and family. For example, if your dream is to be a successful singer, you will get there a lot faster if you ask your friends and family to help get the word out about your shows, new albums, and so on.
(Shortform note: Promoting yourself (particularly through social media) can be awkward and intimidating for many people. Luckily, there are people who thrive in this arena. Look into hiring a social media specialist to help you with your marketing. A social media manager can create a unique voice for your business and connect you to the right audience. If money is tight, a high school or college student with their finger on the pulse is often an excellent and economically responsible choice.)
3. When you have a knowledge gap, you might need to find a teacher or mentor. This could also mean taking a class to expand your knowledge or skills.
Filling Your Knowledge Gap
Hollis has an anecdote in her book about enrolling in a Harvard business course to help her learn finances. She took the class, passed it, and retained nothing. Her takeaway was that college courses aren’t how she learns best, and that we need to choose a learning method that matches our personal style. Luckily, there are dozens of learning avenues to choose from:
Take an online course through sites like Udemy or LinkedIn Learning. These sites are excellent for learning a specific skill in detail, such as Microsoft Excel or portrait drawing.
Search for YouTube tutorials. These are free and are useful when looking for shortcuts and quick tips. YouTube is also a great source for learning hands-on activities in which you need visual instruction.
Enroll in a college course. Community colleges will let you sign up for individual classes without paying bulk tuition, and in some universities you can audit a class if you want the learning but don’t care about having credit on a transcript.
Find a mentor. If you know somebody who is working in the field you want to be in, offer to assist them for free in exchange for training and insight.
Read books, online articles, interviews—whatever you can get your hands on that will help you learn your subject.
Attend seminars and other group gatherings if you learn best through social experiences. Online seminars have also become quite popular.
Beyond asking for help when you need it, Hollis’s second way of advocating for yourself is saying “no.'' She recognizes that it is difficult for most people, but insists that once you master it, you will discover how freeing it is. As she explains, declining requests without guilt allows you to reserve your energies for the areas of your life that are most important to you.
How do you know when to say no? To help you decide, Hollis recommends you start by making a simple list of your priorities (example: your health, your marriage, your children, your career, and so on.). Every request made of you will either support one of these priorities or take away from it.
If the request isn’t going to serve your priorities, Hollis says you should politely decline. She notes two exceptions, however. First, if it brings you joy for the sake of joy. We all need laughter and stress relief. In these cases, she says your answer will feel like an immediate “yes!”. Second, if you’re helping someone in a bind. Hollis points out that it is noble to take one for the team in a pinch, but make sure this isn’t your regular role.
When you’ve decided to say no, Hollis recommends doing it in the following way:
By asking for help and getting comfortable with saying no, you will be advocating for your own needs with clear communication and boundaries. Hollis strongly believes that this will take you further in all of your endeavors.
Reframing Your Thinking: A No Is a Yes
In Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown argues that for every “no” you deliver, you’re really saying “yes” to something else.
For example, if your friends invite you to dinner and it would mean missing family game night, instead of thinking, “I’m saying no to my friends,” reframe your thinking into, “I’m saying yes to my family.”
In this same chapter, he also offers some creative ways to decline an invitation for those who feel the word “no” is too harsh or daunting. Here are some examples:
Pause: After the request, pause for a moment before answering. Often, the requestor will make an adjustment that benefits you because they feel awkward. For example, if your boss asks you to stay late, and you pause before answering, she might follow up with an offer to let you leave early the next day (or some other way to sweeten the deal).
Offer an alternative: If you are uncomfortable completing the request, try offering what you are willing to do. For example, if a friend asks to borrow your car to take to the airport, try saying, “I can’t do that, but I will take you to the airport if you’d like.” It shows that you want to help, but you still keep your boundary.
Ask them to prioritize: For example, let’s say a friend asks you to dinner but you already have plans to go to the movies with them later that week. Say, “I only have time for one outing this week—would you rather go to the movies or dinner? I’m down for either one.” This doesn’t feel like rejection to the other person, so the “no” is less likely to be challenged.
Saying “no” to a request can be uncomfortable, but with practice, it gets easier. The better you get at saying “no,” the more you can say “yes” to your priorities.
Think of a recent time when you agreed to something you didn’t really want to do—for instance, letting your friend borrow your car even though it made you uncomfortable. How did the conversation go?
Imagine you are responding to that request today. Write three different ways you can decline using the strategies suggested in this chapter. (Offer an alternative, make them prioritize, be polite but firm, and so on.)
The title of this book is Girl, Stop Apologizing, and this chapter drives home exactly what that means. Hollis emphasizes the need to stop apologizing, through your words and actions, for putting yourself first.
Hollis explains that when you let others derail your plans, or talk you out of your dreams, you’re apologizing to them through the act of quitting. You’re essentially telling these people, “I’m sorry I tried to do (fill in the blank). I’ll stop now.” She says that when you face adversity, it’s crucial that you stand your ground.
The Big and Small Conundrum: Living Your Dream Out Loud
In a video interview with Tom Bilyeu, Hollis discusses her childhood conditioning of being both “big” and “small” simultaneously. She was raised to be “big” in the sense that she received attention only when accomplishing great things. At the same time, however, she was taught to be “small” in that she was not to speak her mind or vocalize her dreams. In her adulthood, this conditioning manifested as she found herself (in the beginning) building her business in secret—afraid to appear arrogant in her ambitions yet driven to overachieve.
If you’re pursuing your dreams in secret, as Hollis was, it will be much easier for others to derail your plans. Perhaps the first step, which Hollis doesn’t mention in this section of her book, is to make your goals known to everyone around you. If others know how important it is to you, that could eliminate many of the problems Hollis discusses in this chapter.
How is it that other people can have such power over us? Hollis says this power can manifest in a few different ways. Sometimes we give up not because anyone asked us to, but because we feel left out, guilty for putting our own interests ahead of others’, or try to have it both ways.
For example, if you don’t want to miss Friday night out with your friends, you might put aside your diet, or your late-night website coding, or your book writing, to participate. Hollis says this habit of putting aside your goals to appease others at best will slow you down, and at worst, derail you completely.
(Shortform note: Are you being pressured by your friends, or are you “self-peer pressuring?” In both cases, a desire to fit in with others dictates your actions. When you self-peer pressure, you imagine that others are judging you, and you change your behavior based on those thoughts. The next time you consider sacrificing work on your goal to go out with friends, consider whether the pressure is self-imposed—simply knowing that it’s internal is often enough to help you resist.)
Other times, someone may ask you to give up your dream through passive-aggressive manipulation. Why, though? As Hollis explains, they may feel left out or left behind while you grow as a person. More often, however, she believes it is because they have been inconvenienced. What does the manipulation look like? Hollis tells us that it can come in the form of complaints (“It’s getting hard for me to watch the kids all the time while you train for your marathon”), questioning (“You aren’t drinking at all anymore? What about margarita night?”), or teasing (“Oh, she’s too healthy to eat pizza with the rest of us fatties, somebody get the girl a salad!”).
Even though it’s hard to persevere, Hollis insists that giving in to the whims of others is the easy way out. To help you resist the temptation to quit, she provides some truths to recognize and strategies to implement.
Strategy: Non-Aggressive Communication
It will be difficult to stand up to peer pressure if communication and confrontation are a struggle for you.
Sheryl Sandberg offers some tips for what she calls being “delicately honest” in her book, Lean In. One tool that she offers is to present your issue as an opinion rather than a fact. For example, if you’re trying to lose weight and your husband keeps bringing home fast food for dinner, it would be better to say, “When you bring home fast food, it makes me worry that you don’t care about my goal to lose weight,” rather than a factual statement of “You don’t care about my goal.”
It comes across as less aggressive and is more likely to spark an effective conversation.
Hollis points out that a need to give and take is part of life and relationships. Sometimes you will be the one making sacrifices for the other person. She stresses that it will not always be balanced, but it should be balanced over time.
Healthy Relationships Aren’t 50/50
There may be times where you’re giving 90% and your partner 10%, and vice versa. This might happen when you or your partner is going through a major life event. For example, if your husband’s mother died, you would likely assume most of his normal household responsibilities while he plans the funeral and deals with the estate. Conversely, if you were taking a rigorous three-month course, he would help pull your weight during that time.
The important thing is to recognize that it is all fluid and temporary and should balance in the long run, not the short term.
In fact, even if you have the positive intention of maintaining a balanced relationship, attempting to maintain a 50/50 relationship can lead to the destructive habit of scorekeeping.
Hollis also stresses that it isn’t your responsibility to convince others to believe in your dream, and they’re not obligated to support you. The onus is on you to believe in yourself. Once others see you sticking with your goal and see the results of your hard work, they’re more likely to show support and cheer you on.
(Shortform note: If you rely on outside sources to keep you motivated, you’re likely to give up. Intrinsic motivation (the act of doing something when there’s no external reward) is longer lasting. With intrinsic motivation, the act itself is the reward.)
If someone is actively derailing your progress, Hollis recommends you start by asking yourself if this person should be in your life. It is rare that the answer will be no, but it needs to be considered.
For example, is this person being toxic and cruel? Are they mocking you when you have asked them to stop, or disregarding your boundaries? If so, she says you might need to cut off contact with this person, because they’ll never support you and will only drag you down.
(Shortform note: One sign of a toxic friendship is if you always feel bad about yourself after spending time with someone. It doesn’t matter whether the person is overtly trying to put you down, or whether they’re doing it implicitly through words, actions, or even body language. The important thing is how they make you feel.)
Hollis says that while some people don’t deserve to be in your life, most of the time, the person derailing you is doing it unknowingly or believes they have good intentions. The key with these people is to prepare before seeing them. Hollis has four strategies for preparation:
First, she recommends you start by rehearsing the conversation so you feel comfortable standing up for yourself, as opposed to being caught off guard in the moment.
(Shortform note: It could be helpful to first imagine the absolute worst-case scenario and practice that conversation. Afterward, imagine a scenario that is more realistic and rehearse it. Finally, imagine a best-case scenario and how you would engage in that. The practice has roots in stoicism, and the belief is that if you have mentally prepared for a negative reaction, you won’t recoil if it occurs.)
Second, if it helps, she suggests you prepare physically by listening to upbeat music to get yourself energized and feeling powerful. She acknowledges that this isn’t a strategy for everyone, but it works for her.
(Shortform note: What makes you feel physically at your best? For Hollis it is dancing to music; for others, it might be doing push-ups, taking a long shower, putting extra effort into your hair and makeup, or calming yourself with some yoga poses.)
Third, she says if you can take an action they might challenge before seeing them, do it. This way they can’t talk you out of it. For example, complete your workout before meeting with your friends so you don’t end up skipping it. Or do your work earlier and show up late to the party instead of trying to excuse yourself early.
(Shortform note: Preparing before seeing others will not only lessen the immediate peer pressure; it will also prevent more pressure in the future. Because you aren’t watching the clock, checking your phone, or worrying about getting stuff done, your loved ones will recognize that you are fully engaged and this quality time is banked. As a result, the next time you need to decline an invitation, they will be less likely to argue against it.)
As a fourth and final strategy, Hollis recommends that from the beginning, try to avoid inconveniencing others through careful planning.
Hollis has already taught us that inconveniences are part of life and can’t be avoided completely. However, she believes that if you know ahead of time that you’re going to put a burden on others in some way, you should try to find ways to help as a way of showing consideration. She says this will help empower you to stand your ground when somebody questions you for prioritizing yourself.
For example, if you know that you’ll need child care and it will be hard for your partner to leave work, line up a babysitter before having the conversation with your partner.
(Shortform note: Hollis’s suggestion to avoid inconveniencing others appears on the surface to undermine her previous arguments and the premise of her book, as her typical stance is that you shouldn’t be afraid to ruffle feathers in the pursuit of your dream. However, this section brings nuance to the concept of living unapologetically. It teaches you the importance of remaining considerate and treating others respectfully while pursuing your goals.)
Peer pressure and self-peer pressure can be overcome with practice. Start by identifying where the pressure is coming from and why.
Think of a recent time when you caved to peer pressure. What happened?
Upon reflection, do you believe someone else was pressuring you, or did you pressure yourself? Explain your thinking.
If you face the situation again, how might you choose to prepare? (Specifically, how would you rehearse the conversation, prepare physically, take the action ahead of time, and so on.)
By this point in the book, Hollis has covered the excuses you need to overcome, as well as the behaviors and habits you must develop in order to achieve your dreams.
In Part 3, she takes the preparation a step further and provides a list of universal skills that will take you from motivation to achievement.
Hollis defines skills unconventionally. In her view, a skill is any ability that you can learn and develop over time through intentional practice. The skills she lists are often viewed as character traits—confidence, for example. However, Hollis argues that if you can develop confidence and use it as a tool, then it is indeed a skill.
In this section, we will take a look at five universal skills Hollis believes will serve you best in the pursuit of your dream.
Hollis argues that confidence is a skill because it is fluid. You aren’t born confident or insecure, but your confidence levels fluctuate over time and you can adjust them with effort.
Hollis makes clear that confidence is important to success because if you already believe that you’re bad at something, you’re unlikely to even attempt it. In her experience, there are three distinct areas where you can develop confidence: how you look, how you act, and who you hang out with.
(Shortform note: Self-confidence is more valuable to success than most people realize. According to Psychology Today, self-confidence decreases fear and anxiety, increases motivation, builds resilience, improves your relationships, and allows you to connect with your authentic self.)
The first area where Hollis believes you can develop confidence is in how you look. Right off the bat, Hollis addresses the idea of vanity. She makes the distinction that caring about what you look like does not make you vain; rather, caring what other people think about your looks is vain.
She emphasizes that confidence requires knowing who you are, and part of that is knowing what you like. She encourages you to present yourself on the outside in a way that makes you feel the most like yourself on the inside.
For instance, Hollis explains that she feels most confident when she is dressed up. She enjoys makeup, eyelash extensions, highlighted hair, and hair extensions. She enjoys wearing high heels and having her nails done. She has two friends, however, who prefer a much more casual style and would feel uncomfortable if they were styled like Hollis.
How to Develop a Personal Style
Hollis explains why having a personal style is important, and the juxtaposition she uses between her style and her friends’ makes a clear distinction between caring about how you look and caring about how others want you to look. However, she doesn’t explain how she found her personal style.
If you don’t yet have a personal style, or you want to change your current look, there are lots of strategies to help you find what is right for you, for example:
Assess your closet: Pick out your favorite items of clothing—the ones that make you feel like a million bucks. You might have only two or three favorite items, and that’s okay. Lay them out side-by-side, and ask yourself what they have in common. Use your answer as a theme to buy more clothing. For example, if all of your favorite dresses have a high waist, look in that direction for future purchases.
Experiment in the dressing room: Try on clothes that are out of your comfort zone. Nobody has to see them but you. You may find that something you would ordinarily pass by is perfect for you.
When in doubt, ask for help: If you don’t know how to do makeup but want to try, reach out to a friend or acquaintance who is skilled in this area, and ask her to teach you. Not sure which clothes flatter you? Take a friend shopping with you and ask for honest feedback. If you do choose to have someone help you, be sure that you’re not blindly following their advice. They should serve as a resource, not a model to imitate.
The second area where Hollis believes you can develop confidence is in how you act.
There’s a popular adage when it comes to impostor syndrome (the worry that you lack the skills or talent to do the job in front of you): “Fake it until you make it.” Hollis believes in this strategy, although she takes issue with the phrase “fake it” because “faking it” means you lack skills. Instead, she advocates accepting opportunities for which you don’t feel entirely qualified and using the skills and experience you already have to learn the job along the way.
Hollis believes if you don’t take chances and push yourself out of your comfort zone, you won’t grow.
For example, when Hollis was an event planner, she dreamed of hosting a big event at Sundance Film Festival. She was offered an opportunity to cater an event at the festival, which she saw as a foot in the door. The problem was, she had no catering experience. She said yes anyway. She believed that even though she had not catered before, she had enough other skills and connections that she could figure it out, and she did. The following year she was invited to host her own event at Sundance. If she hadn’t taken that chance and “faked it,” she wouldn’t have accomplished her dream.
Impostor Syndrome
In Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, she argues that women are more likely than men to experience impostor syndrome and are also in greater danger of limiting their success because of it.
Sandberg notes that women are hesitant to apply for positions if they don’t feel 100% qualified. In Hollis’s case, she was partially qualified for the Sundance catering job because she was an event planner, but not completely qualified because she had never catered an event. She pushed through impostor syndrome and figured it out on the job using the skills she had.
Impostor syndrome can take several forms. Consider these findings from Lean In:
In reviews of their own performance, women tend to rate themselves lower than others would, while men tend to rate themselves higher than others would.
Women are more likely to attribute their success to hard work while men often attribute their success to innate qualities, such as being smart.
When men fail, they tend to blame outside factors or an action/inaction (such as not preparing enough). When women fail, they tend to blame personal qualities (“I’m not smart enough,” for example).
Remember, these are self-limiting beliefs and can be combated with truths.
The third and final area where Hollis believes you can develop confidence is in who you hang out with.
Building upon her foundational behavior of immersing yourself in a supportive community (see behavior 1), Hollis stresses that who you hang out with can have a great effect on your confidence. She believes that if you hang out with insecure people, you will doubt yourself. If you spend your time with confident and successful people, that will rub off on you as well.
(Shortform note: Surrounding yourself with positive and successful people will lift you up in several ways. These types of people are less likely to succumb to self-pity when they face challenges and instead model responsibility and perseverance. You will be presented with more opportunities for professional growth because you’re filling your network with people at the top of their game. Finally, spending time around success feeds into the Law of Attraction and will draw more of the same to you.)
Hollis states in her book (and in several interviews) that nothing significant in her life came quickly. She stresses the importance of sticking to your plan and riding out challenges. She contends that the skill of persistence is vital to success.
Hollis notes that several of her goals took her five or more years to accomplish, demonstrating how her skill of persistence paid off. For example, Hollis had a lifelong dream of being on The New York Times bestseller list; her first five books didn’t land there, but her sixth book did. Had she given up, she wouldn’t have accomplished that dream.
To build persistence, Hollis says you need a total mindset shift. For every goal you have, prepare for the long haul, expect rejection, and avoid the trap of comparison.
(Shortform note: Angela Duckworth, author of Grit, analyzes in depth the importance of perseverance (persistence) in the face of adversity. In her research, she found that grit was a greater indicator of future success than IQ. Duckworth defines grit as a combination of persistence and passion, so it stands to reason that having a strong “why,” or purpose you feel passionate about, and the willingness to fight for it is your best bet at achieving any dream.)
In addition to facing outside challenges, sometimes we need persistence because we have lost motivation. Hollis contends that it isn’t enough to know what your dream is. You need to have a strong why, or reason for pursuing it. Return to this why when you find yourself lacking motivation.
According to Hollis, if you have started and stopped this dream several times before, it’s because your why wasn’t strong enough. For example, do you want to be rich so that you can buy a fancy car? Or is it because you want to quit a job that is negatively affecting your quality of life? What is the real, true, deep reason for wanting what you want?
(Shortform note: Could you be losing steam because your goals are too attainable? Author Grant Cardone addresses this in The 10X Rule, in which he theorizes that when our goals aren’t lofty enough, we lack the motivation to chase after them. For a goal to be inspiring, it must have a strong why and also be a challenge. If a goal is easy, you either would have done it already or you don’t have a strong inner reason to do it.)
Remember the excuse about not having time? In this chapter, Hollis explains how to develop the skill to defeat that excuse. Hollis advocates learning how to manage your time efficiently to get the most out of it. She recommends you take the following five actions:
1. List your desired outcomes rather than your to-dos. To-do lists make us feel good because we get a sense of satisfaction with each item we cross off. However, Hollis points out that it isn’t a true indication of how much closer you are to your goal and it can be a time-waster. Instead, she recommends you write down the outcome you desire. For example, rather than writing “apply for five jobs,” try writing “secure a job interview.” Your brain will find the quickest way to make that outcome happen, and you will move closer to your goal.
(Shortform note: According to Forbes, to-do lists and outcome lists are both valuable. Outcome lists ensure that the work you’re doing is productive and moves you closer to your goal. However, to-do lists can still be valuable, particularly when you need to list out specific steps to achieve an outcome. For example, if your outcome is “complete chapter three of my book,” you might have a to-do list that says “outline chapter,” “find two references,” and so on.)
2. Constantly evaluate your efficiency. Hollis advises taking a look at your outcomes list and asking if there’s a better or quicker way to get the result you’re aiming for. This isn’t to say that success comes quickly or easily, but there are often items on our list that don’t need to take as much time as we believe…or that don’t need to be on the list at all. Evaluate whether all of the outcomes on your list are necessary or if there are any you can let go.
(Shortform note: An area of effectiveness that isn’t addressed here is quality of work. To be effective is to get a lot of bang for your buck. Said another way, you should be aiming to achieve the highest level of excellence with the least amount of effort. Every successful enterprise has a mix of quality and efficiency, and when put together, this is effectiveness. As you work, evaluate how your speed is affecting the quality of your output.)
3. Use whatever helps you focus. Your working environment will often be out of your control, especially if you’re working on your dream in addition to other responsibilities and have to use whatever time and place are available. Hollis recommends finding something that you can control that helps you work at your best, and using that consistently. For some people, this might be a cup of coffee, a certain type of music, comfortable clothing, or a scent. Whatever this is for you, she says to use it consistently when you work. When you put on that song, or take that sip of tea, your body and brain will recognize the cue and snap into work mode.
(Shortform note: Cal Newport offers several strategies for increasing your focus to be more effective in his book, Deep Work. One strategy that he recommends is training your “focus muscles'' by allowing yourself to be bored in situations where you would normally distract yourself. For example, if you’re waiting in line at the DMV, you might naturally reach for your phone. Instead, resist the urge and allow the boredom to happen. This is great focus training for your brain because you will develop increased control and discipline over your thoughts in the same way that an athlete controls their physical movements.)
4. Avoid the things that distract you. This may seem obvious, yet people often expend mental energy trying to “power through” their biggest distractions. Hollis says that a more effective technique is to avoid the distraction altogether. Set yourself up for success. For example, if noise is a distraction for you, don’t try to work in a coffee shop.
(Shortform note: In Deep Work, Newport points out that our tools of productivity often become distractions instead. For example, if part of your work includes promoting yourself on social media, you might find yourself scrolling through social media every time you log in to work. While it seems harmless, a minute here and there adds up over the course of a day. One solution is to set aside “active hours” and “non-active hours” for use on social media. For example, you might check in with Instagram twice a day at designated times.)
5. Be willing to adjust your course. Hollis recommends checking in with yourself once a week. Ask yourself if you’re on track, and if you aren’t, then adjust your plans. Stay steadfast in your “why” but be flexible in your “how.”
(Shortform note: Flexibility is an important tool of efficiency because if you allow yourself to shift gears from time to time, you might discover quicker ways to get to your end goal. For example, let’s say your desired outcome is to get a new job and you schedule some job search activities throughout the week. On Monday, a friend calls and tells you about a job fair with some promising leads. If you allow yourself to adjust course and go to the job fair instead of your previously scheduled activity, you might arrive at your outcome sooner than intended.)
Hollis argues that by choosing positivity every day, you will recognize the abundance of opportunities and blessings at your feet. As a result, you will have greater success in any goal you aspire to accomplish. She believes that having a positive attitude is a choice that can be developed, and therefore it is a skill.
Hollis acknowledges that we can’t control the hardships that come our way. However, she notes that we can control how we respond to these obstacles, disappointments, and catastrophes.
One way that Hollis believes you can practice positivity is to control your inner dialogue. Your running mental dialogue is the soundtrack to your life. She believes if you criticize or pity yourself, even if it’s just in your thoughts, these feelings manifest as a negative attitude.
When you feel the negative inner dialogue creeping in, Hollis advises you to redirect the conversation in the same way that you could shift a conversation happening out loud.
For example, imagine you’re late for work again. You might chastise yourself internally with thoughts like, “You’re always late! Why can’t you be on time? What is wrong with you? You’re lazy and unreliable!” But would you ever say this out loud to somebody or allow someone else to talk to you like that? What if a colleague were speaking about another person in such a way and you were bearing witness? Could you step in and redirect the conversation? You certainly could and probably would. So when you find yourself thinking in such a way, imagine how you would respond in that situation and do the same thing inside your mind.
Toxic Positivity: When Is It Okay to Have Negative Vibes?
While the benefits of positivity have been well-documented, it can be taken too far.
Since the time this book was published in 2019, the topic of toxic positivity has garnered attention. Toxic positivity is the belief that we should feel positive emotions all of the time, regardless of the circumstance. Rachel Hollis has faced criticism for encouraging positivity to a level that many people find unhealthy.
How do you know when positivity is healthy or toxic?
Numerous studies show that people who have a positive outlook enjoy longer lifespans, less illness, and healthier relationships. As Mayo Clinic points out, however, there’s a difference between approaching situations with a solutions-mindset and ignoring life’s problems altogether. This is when positivity is actually false and toxic.
The dangers of extreme optimism include:
Minimizing other people’s valid emotions when they’re going through a difficult time by encouraging them to “look on the bright side” or count their blessings
Suppressing your own negative emotions which can lead to unresolved trauma
Damage to healthy communication within your relationships for fear of judgment for being negative
Feelings of guilt or shame for feeling negative; you might feel as if you don’t appreciate what you do have.
The final skill that Hollis advocates developing is leadership. She notes that you don’t need to have subordinates or followers to be a leader. Rather, leaders are examples to others of courage and integrity. They’re true to themselves and encourage others to live their truth as well.
(Shortform note: Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly, says that a leader is anyone who sees potential in others and is willing to help them actualize that potential.)
Hollis points out that part of being an effective leader is being inclusive. She encourages you to keep this in mind as you go through life and make sure that your table is diverse. Hollis specifically mentions including diversity of race, ethnicity, religion, age, size, and physical capability. She encourages you to strive for diversity not just from a professional perspective, but in your social and personal life as well.
(Shortform note: One study shows that we are naturally attracted to friends who look like us, so it will likely take intentional effort to diversify the people in your life. Rather than “search” for people who don’t look like you (which has implications that are uncomfortable at best), you might try recognizing this homophily bias, and the next time you meet somebody who could be a friend or professional acquaintance, avoid dismissing them subconsciously. For example, if you want to go for after-work drinks, it might not be your first instinct to invite a colleague who is twice your age. Give it a shot.)
To persist is to experience a setback and continue anyway. Give yourself a head start by predicting the roadblocks you will face.
Think of a goal you’d like to work on in the upcoming year. For two minutes, write down everything you can think of that could get in your way.
Choose three items from your list and for each one, write down a strategy for avoiding the roadblock.
Your greatest opportunity to practice positivity is within your inner dialogue.
Is there a negative thought that you often have about yourself? What is it? (For instance, do you believe that you are lazy or unintelligent?)
Imagine that your best friend overheard a stranger say this comment about you. How do you think your friend would respond? (For example, “She isn’t lazy! She is the hardest worker I know!”)
Take the answer above, condense it into one sentence, and replace the pronouns with “I.” (Example: “I am not lazy! I am the hardest worker I know!”)
Use this mantra whenever you feel the negative thought arise.
Hollis has walked you through all of the excuses that will hold you back and revealed the truth beneath each one. She has given you behaviors to turn into habits, and she has suggested skills to develop. If you were a carpenter, you’d now have all of the tools necessary to get the job done. The final thing you need is the blueprint, and then you can get to work.
Your blueprint is a step-by-step template that you can use as many times as you want on as many goals as you desire. Here’s how you execute.
At this point, you’re probably fired up and ready to dive into all of your goals. However, Hollis advises resisting the urge to work on all of them at once. Instead, choose one goal at a time and give it everything you’ve got.
Hollis argues that having a long list of goals is wonderful, but that working on more than one at one time is ineffective. First, you will spread yourself too thin and not dedicate enough energy and time to any one thing to make it happen. As the saying goes, “when everything is important, nothing is important.”
Second, having more than one goal allows you to have backup plans B, C, and even D. Therefore, the stakes are too low. If you’re working on multiple goals at a time, when one is difficult to accomplish (or is taking longer than you anticipated) you might give yourself permission to quit because you’ve got other things going on. If you’ve been working single-mindedly on one goal for years, however, you’re unlikely to quit when it gets tough.
(Shortform note: Gary Keller, author of The One Thing, centers his book around the idea that choosing one impactful goal-oriented task at a time and performing them sequentially is far more effective than doing several tasks simultaneously. One strategy that he suggests is “going small,” which means to ignore the dozens of things you could be working on, and instead focus on one small task at a time. He explains that this keeps you from becoming distracted by never-ending tasks that don’t move you any closer to your goal.)
Hollis’s advice for choosing one goal can be synthesized into three steps: visualize, strategize, and prioritize.
Visualize: Start by asking yourself, “Who do I want to be in 10 years?” Imagine your dream life. Nothing is off limits. Feel free to say you want to be bigger than Oprah, if that’s what you want. Write furiously for five minutes straight, describing in detail who you want to be and what that person is doing. Write in present tense (“I am a doctor,” not “I will be a doctor”).
Strategize: Now take a look at what you just wrote, and make a list of accomplishments that would make this dream life possible. Be specific and write in present tense (i.e. “My book is on The New York Times bestseller list” versus “My book will be a success.”) Narrow your list down to 10 or fewer items. Decide what is truly crucial.
Prioritize: Of all the statements on your list, choose one goal you can work on right now. It must be specific and measurable (“I will lose 10 pounds” versus “I will lose weight”). Resist the urge to set a time limit. Hollis stresses that self-improvement should be ongoing, and if you set a deadline and don’t meet it, you’re apt to give up.
Narrowing It Down When You Have Too Many Interests
Maybe you have a variety of passions, and you can’t decide which one to choose. The Balance Careers website offers advice for choosing a profession, and it is applicable to choosing a dream as well. They recommend you start by writing a list of all of your interests and distinguishing which are best suited as hobbies versus careers. This isn’t to say which ones make money and which ones don’t. But if you like to cook to relieve stress, you probably won’t want to do it full time as a job.
After this, list your work style requirements. Do you prefer to work alone or in groups? Do you thrive in fast-paced environments, or do you prefer to take your time? Compare these answers with your interest list and you will come away with at least one solid direction. For example, if you enjoy reading mystery novels and prefer to work alone, consider the possibility of becoming an author.
Don’t Do This When Goal Setting
In The 10X Rule, Grant Cardone points out several potential pitfalls of goal setting. When creating your goal, Cardone advises avoiding the following:
Setting goals for others instead of yourself (are you doing this to make your dad proud or because it feeds your soul?)
Setting goals that are too ordinary (fear of failure)
Limiting your accomplishments to what others have achieved (you should instead aim to surpass their achievement)
You now have your one goal, you’re loaded with motivation and tools for success, and you’re ready to run full speed toward it. Not so fast.
Take a moment to consider this metaphor. Imagine you’re told to build a house. You’re given some carpentry training, handed a set of tools, and are pointed toward a pile of raw materials. Now imagine a slightly different scenario. You’re told to build a house. You’re given the same training, tools, and materials, but this time you’re also handed a blueprint. Looking at the blueprint, you see what the finished house is supposed to look like and have all of the measurements.
In which of these scenarios do you think you would build the house faster? Better? Safer? You might be able to build a house without the blueprint, but it would certainly take longer, and you may cut corners along the way.
Hollis believes goals work this same way. She says if you have your endpoint visualized and specific steps laid out in front of you, you will save time and frustration along the way. For this reason, Hollis advises that you thoroughly plan out your attack, working backward.
(Shortform note: In 2017, a scientific study concluded that those who planned from the end result backward experienced a higher level of motivation, better performance, and less time pressure than those who planned forward. It could be that those who planned backward were already more effective in pursuing goals; however, that would go to show that effective planners prefer this method.)
Next, start to chunk your goal into steps, beginning with identifying your goal’s three most crucial targets to hit.
Envisioning your one goal as the “finished product,” Hollis recommends brainstorming steps that would help you get there. Use the same strategy as your goal setting; write furiously and don’t stop to consider whether what you’re writing makes sense.
When you can’t think of anything else, take a look at your list. Of everything that you wrote, choose three things that if accomplished, would get you to your goal. Hollis refers to these three as “guideposts.” Put them in a logical order.
At this point, don’t worry about how you will get these three things done. Just know that if they’re done, you will reach your goal.
Feeling Stuck? Ask For Help
If you’re unsure of what three things will accomplish your goal, ask someone who has already done it for a consultation. Keep in mind that asking to “pick someone’s brain” can be annoying (particularly if you don’t know the person), but there are ways you can approach the conversation in a respectful and effective manner.
Use Your Connections: A friend of a friend is more likely to help you than a stranger. Before emailing the person you found on Google, rack your brain or talk to friends and see if there’s someone in your network that you can reach out to.
Suggest a Call Instead of Coffee: Depending on how well you know the person and how prominent and busy they are, offer a meet-up that is respectful of their time. A friend of a friend might appreciate being taken out for a meal or a cup of coffee, while a stranger would likely prefer a phone call. Read the room.
Say How Much Time You Need: Make it clear that you don’t need much time, and be specific. Do you need an hour of this person’s time? A 15-minute phone call? Be upfront so that there are clear expectations.
Be Specific About What You Need: Asking for “advice” isn’t specific. Tell the person you’re approaching the exact issue you’re having and what type of advice you’re seeking. This will make them more likely to help because it will show that you’re serious and not relying on them to do your legwork.
Show Gratitude: Be thankful in the moment, and send a follow-up thank you. Nobody wants to feel like they were used.
So far, you have your starting point, you know your end point, and you have three major targets to hit along the way. Now you need to identify how you will get from target to target.
From your starting point to your first target, make a list of everything you need to do to reach that target. Hollis recommends working backward from target one to your starting point. Continue this with each target (work backward from target two to target one and target three to target two).
What you’re left with is a step-by-step guide to go from your starting point all the way to your finished goal.
Hollis stresses that along the way, you will have setbacks. When this happens, keep your positive mindset and remember the behaviors and skills that you have in your toolbox. Your blueprint may shift and change as you go, but it is far better than winging it.
(Shortform note: This is a great place to utilize the “outcomes list” that Hollis suggested earlier (Skill 3: Effectiveness). For example, if your first target on the way to becoming a doctor is to get accepted into medical school, your outcomes list might include items such as: secure three letters of recommendation, complete all necessary prerequisites, and so on. You can think of these outcomes as daily, weekly, or monthly mini-goals. While Hollis doesn’t recommend having a deadline for your goal as a whole, she does believe that planning week-by-week and scheduling these steps as much as you’re able to will help keep you on track.)
Hollis believes that whatever your soul is asking for, whoever you’re meant to be, you can be that person. She has helped you shift your mindset and change self-sabotaging behaviors. She has provided a list of skills that will serve you in any capacity. She has provided you with every tool you need to succeed. The only thing left to do is believe in yourself—unapologetically.
Hollis says that the quickest route to your dreams is to not give up on yourself. You must show up day after day, put in the work (without feeling guilty), and pick yourself up when you falter. If you get off track, take a breath and put yourself back on. It is simple, but difficult, and she believes you can do it.
Choosing one goal is difficult if you have many interests. Start by seeing what they have in common and then consider the timing.
Write down five to 10 goals you have for your life, in no particular order.
Looking at this list, are there any goals that could happen by accomplishing another? (For example, if “travel the world” and “make a million dollars” are both on your list, making a million dollars would allow you to travel, while seeing the world won’t make you a million dollars.) Using this concept, narrow your list down.
Consider timing: Looking at the remaining items on your list, if you had to choose one to accomplish in the next five years (knowing that the others could happen later), which one is most valuable to your life right now?