In the bestselling classic How To Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie—author of How to Win Friends and Influence People—offers timeless advice and practical methods for cultivating a happier, more worry-free mindset.
In this guide, we’ll first explore what causes worry and how it negatively impacts your mental and physical well-being. We’ll then explore Carnegie’s solutions for living a happier, worry-free life in four parts:
To effectively combat worry, it’s important to understand what causes it. According to Carnegie, the cause of worry is simple: It’s a result of focusing outside of the present—overthinking the past and harboring anxiety about the future.
(Shortform note: Carnegie’s definition of worry differs slightly from that of psychologists, who assert that all worries, even those focused on the past, concern future events. You only worry about the past in terms of how it might affect your future.)
Each morning, you’re granted a limited amount of time and energy to focus, get things done, and make the best of your day—there’s only so much you can handle mentally and physically. However, Carnegie explains, worrying about the past and future creates additional burdens that use up your limited time and energy and distract you from focusing on what you need to do today.
(Shortform note: Psychologists back up Carnegie’s claim that worrying squanders your mental energy: Worrying triggers neural activity in the regions of the brain required to direct attention and concentrate. The more you worry, the more neural activity it requires—leaving you with insufficient neural resources to concentrate on everyday tasks.)
Carrying the weight of your worries overwhelms you, creates fatigue, and results in irrational thoughts that make small concerns appear more serious than they are. As a result, it creates unnecessary stress and anxiety.
(Shortform note: While it’s true that worry contributes to stress and fatigue, psychological research shows that worry and stress feed off each other—creating more of a cyclical relationship than Carnegie suggests. This is because stress and fatigue reinforce your inclination to worry: Feeling stressed or tired makes you feel overwhelmed and impels you to focus negatively—for example, on what’s not going well or bad things that could happen. This train of thought further increases your worries.)
Though the cause of worry is simple, Carnegie emphasizes that its effects on your health are not. Over time, even small, daily worries deteriorate your mental and physical health: you may experience symptoms such as depression, anxiety, ulcers, headaches, insomnia, cardiac issues, diabetes, and rashes.
(Shortform note: Research on stress clarifies how worry contributes to health problems. Worrying tricks your body into believing that you’re in danger and triggers it to release stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones prepare you to fight or flee from “danger” by pumping extra fuel (sugar and fat) into your bloodstream. However, since your worries rarely relate to life-threatening situations that require a burst of physical activity, your body doesn’t use these hormones and fuel. They end up accumulating in your bloodstream and interfering with how your body regulates vital functions—contributing to numerous mental and physical complications as Carnegie suggests.)
Since worry results from focusing outside of the present, Carnegie’s first solution to overcome worry and safeguard your mental and physical health is to practice living one day at a time. Limiting your focus to one day at a time shuts out worries about the past and future and ensures that you only carry one day’s worth of stress at a time. Shedding the weight of your worries preserves your energy, encourages mental clarity, and allows you to manage each day more efficiently. As a result, it cuts unnecessary stress and anxiety from your life.
(Shortform note: According to Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now), focusing on the present moment provides far more benefits than just alleviating worry: It allows you to accept your life as it happens and maintain a feeling of inner peace and happiness. This is because practicing present-moment awareness calms your internal monologue, thus reducing critical thoughts you have about yourself or your experiences. Since your critical thoughts often impede your ability to feel satisfied, quieting them inevitably improves the way you think about yourself and your circumstances. As a result, you find it easier to accept your moments as they occur instead of finding reasons to resist them.)
In addition to reducing stress and anxiety, Carnegie claims that focusing on one day at a time increases your happiness in two ways: First, it allows you to feel more engaged in your present life. Second, it helps you effectively prepare for the future. Let’s explore each of these benefits in more detail.
Carnegie claims that giving “today” your full attention allows you to engage more deeply with your life as it is now. It’s human nature to dream about the future. However, it’s easy to get lost in your hopes and fantasies for a far-off, attractive future. This future focus impedes your ability to notice and appreciate what’s going well for you now and prevents you from engaging with your daily life in a meaningful and joyful way.
For example, as a child, you’re eager to grow up. As a teen, you're desperate to gain some freedom. In college, you fret about your future. During your career, you resent work and dream about what you’ll do when you retire. Looking back, it’s difficult to remember the joyful moments because you were too focused on the future to experience them as they occurred. On the other hand, focusing on one day at a time helps you appreciate where you are now and engage more meaningfully with your life as it happens.
(Shortform note: While it’s true that being overly focused on the future can distract you from engaging with your life, research suggests that thinking about an ideal future can help you to experience more meaning and satisfaction now. This is because it motivates you to make thoughtful decisions that improve your present experience. However, this only works if your ideal future requires actions that enhance your life now. For example, viewing your future self as calm and centered motivates you to work on practicing mindfulness today—thus increasing your ability to find meaning in your life. On the other hand, choosing future goals that require intense effort or sacrifice will make the present feel like nothing but a means to an end.)
Carnegie concedes that it’s necessary to prepare for the future, but warns that this isn’t a reason to focus on the future. He explains that a focus on the future is useless for adequate preparation because there’s no such thing as a certain future—the best you can do is try to predict what might happen. Basing plans on predictions wastes your time and energy and impels you to worry about multiple possibilities that you can’t control. This way of thinking clutters your mind and scatters your focus, making it difficult to think constructively about what you have to do today. More importantly, it destroys your chances of enjoying peace of mind now.
Instead, he argues, effective preparation for the future comes from focusing on and making the best of the present. The only thing you can control in life is the present moment, so the most effective way to prepare for the future is to do tasks to the best of your ability today. Over time, this daily commitment to doing your best creates successful results that alleviate future worries for you. For example, instead of worrying if you’ll have enough in your retirement fund in 30 years, focus on ways to start saving today—such as creating a budget.
Maintain Presence While Planning for the Future
Psychologists agree that worrying about multiple future possibilities can dominate your thoughts and destroy your peace of mind. They suggest two additional ways to make future plans while maintaining present moment awareness.
Break the future down into small chunks: The future feels more uncertain the further ahead you look. Breaking the future down into small manageable chunks, such as one day at a time, narrows the possibilities of what might happen and keeps your thoughts grounded in reality.
Practice switching your perspective: Reconnecting with what you’re working towards makes today’s tasks feel more meaningful. While focusing on doing your best now does improve your future, sometimes it’s difficult to feel engaged or motivated by the work. During these times, think about what you’re working towards—your ideal future—and then refocus on how your work in the present is contributing to it.
While focusing on one day at a time alleviates worries and offers many advantages, it can be difficult to put into practice, especially when you run into stressful situations. Carnegie argues that in these cases, you can lessen your worry by analyzing your situation. The process of analysis neutralizes negative emotions created by worry—such as fear, panic, or dread—by breaking worrisome situations down to their basic facts. This helps you to view your situation objectively and come up with solutions to resolve your concerns.
(Shortform note: Carnegie’s method of analysis is similar to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which focuses on asking questions to assess the rationality of uncomfortable thoughts about a situation. This process helps you to examine and challenge your worries so that you can find more positive ways to think about your circumstances. The more you question the validity of your worries, the less likely you are to accept them as facts and allow them to rule your emotions.)
Carnegie suggests a three-step process to analyze and constructively resolve your worries: gather objective information, analyze your information, and take action to calm your worry.
Carnegie suggests gathering all the information you can about the situation to clarify exactly what you’re worried about. Otherwise, you’ll end up focusing on vague possibilities that increase your worries, keep you stuck on “what-ifs,” and lead you to base decisions on false information.
He stresses the importance of gathering all the facts, not just those that confirm your thinking. It’s often tempting to only seek out and use information that validates your assumptions, but this prevents you from seeing the situation from all sides and leads to uninformed decisions. On the other hand, gathering all the information allows you to consider the situation objectively and helps you face your worries constructively. To encourage objectivity, Carnegie suggests pretending you’re gathering facts for a friend or to argue a case in court.
(Shortform note: Research clarifies why you might seek out information that confirms your thinking: Cognitive biases influence the way you judge everything you perceive. Biases are the result of your brain’s attempt to make quick judgments based on your past experiences. While there are many different types of cognitive biases, each influencing you in different ways, they all restrict your thoughts to what you know and have experienced—limiting your ability to objectively assess alternative perspectives. Lateral thinking methods—strategies that rely on your imagination—make it easier to consider all sides of a problem. They restrict the influence of cognitive biases because they employ the creative side of your brain: an area where your biases don’t operate.)
Carnegie suggests writing out all your information so you can easily review and sort through all of the facts. Use the information to pin down exactly what you’re worried about—that is, define the situation you want to resolve. Then, ask yourself what you can do to resolve the situation. List all the possible solutions you can think of and decide which will have the best possible outcome.
Define Worries and Find Solutions by Asking Strategic Questions
Tony Robbins (Awaken the Giant Within) offers a practical way to sort through the facts to define your worry and come up with solutions: Ask yourself problem-solving questions:
What’s good about this situation? This shifts your mindset from being worried about the circumstance to what you can learn from it.
What needs improvement? This question looks for ways to resolve your worry, presupposing your circumstances will improve.
What am I willing to do to improve the situation? This question generates specific actions toward resolution.
What am I willing to stop doing to improve the situation? This question identifies disempowering habits getting in the way of resolution.
How can I enjoy the resolution process? This question encourages you to find pleasure in resolving the cause of your worries and motivates you to take immediate action.
Once you’ve decided on a solution, Carnegie recommends taking immediate action. Delaying prolongs your worries and may give you time to second-guess yourself. On the other hand, taking immediate action focuses your energy on the solution and strengthens your confidence to follow through with it.
It’s important to note that taking immediate action doesn’t mean solving the entire problem at once—Carnegie suggests you start on what you can do. For example, if you’re worried about your health and decide to change your unhealthy habits, you can’t revamp your entire lifestyle right away. However, you can start cutting soda out of your diet immediately.
(Shortform note: When faced with a large problem, you may feel that a small, achievable task isn’t immediate or significant enough to make a dent in your problem. However, in The Kaizen Way, psychologist Rober Maurer affirms that you’ll find it easier to overcome your problems if you begin by taking a very small step toward the large solution you intend to achieve. He adds insight into why this increases your chances of success: Small actions are more likely to bypass your brain’s instinctive reaction to resist focusing on unwanted tasks because they’re easy to commit to and implement. For example, it’s easy to find multiple excuses to avoid going for a 30-minute run but not so easy to resist jogging on the spot for one minute.)
Now that you understand how analysis combats specific stressors, let’s discuss how cultivating a positive attitude inhibits nonspecific worries and general anxieties. According to Carnegie, vague worries and anxieties require this different approach because they’re difficult to analyze. This is because they don’t stem from actual circumstances—specific issues that you can gather facts about.
Rather, these worries stem from a negative attitude. He explains that your attitude determines how you perceive and react to your circumstances. The more negative your attitude and the more pessimistically you approach life, the more worry and anxiety you feel: You perceive small issues as large concerns, react by worrying incessantly, and focus on what you don’t have. On the other hand, the more positive your attitude and the more optimistically you approach life, the less power worry has over you: You find it easier to ignore small issues, react to real concerns rationally and productively, and remain focused on what’s going well in your life.
(Shortform note: Neil Pasricha (The Happiness Equation) mirrors Carnegie’s argument that your worries spring from a negative attitude. He clarifies why you might be inclined to think negatively, despite knowing its drawbacks: To ensure survival, your ancestors had to constantly stay alert to danger and think about food and shelter. Letting their guard down made them vulnerable to predators and competitors. Though you don’t face the same risks now, your instinct to avoid danger hasn’t evolved. However, instead of protecting you from threats to your survival, this instinct now encourages you to focus on “threats” such as what you don’t have and what needs to improve. This negative focus convinces you that you have endless reasons to feel worried and unhappy.)
Carnegie suggests two approaches to cultivate a positive attitude and suppress the influence of vague worries and anxieties: Manage your attitude toward irritations and concerns, and adopt new habits to maintain a positive attitude. Let’s explore these methods in more detail.
Small concerns and irritations can easily escalate into worrisome situations when you fail to nip them in the bud. In this approach, Carnegie offers four ways to reframe your thoughts about these issues so that you can approach them positively and prevent unnecessary worry from taking root in your mind.
Think rationally: Assess the likelihood of your worries occurring in reality. Carnegie explains that your imagination inspires worries that rarely come to pass. Questioning their likelihood interrupts your imagination from taking over and encourages rational thoughts that ground you in reality.
(Shortform note: Research backs up Carnegie’s claim that most worries rarely occur in reality. A recent study revealed that 91.4% of the things we worry about don’t come true.)
Focus constructively: Consider how to mitigate, improve, or learn from your concerns. Carnegie argues that reacting emotionally to issues magnifies their importance—thus, exacerbating your worry. On the other hand, thinking objectively about what you can do to improve or learn from these issues calms down your negative emotions and prevents unimportant matters from escalating into large problems. This process trains you to focus on what you can control to better your circumstances—providing opportunities to make the best out of any situation.
(Shortform note: Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) suggests a practical way to think objectively and make the best out of your circumstances. When faced with a problem, think about what steps you can personally take toward solving it. This helps you more easily distinguish between concerns beyond your control (like your kids getting sick) and issues you can improve or solve (like organizing to work from home so you can take care of them.)
Accept the past: Forgive and forget unwanted past experiences. Carnegie argues that ruminating on the past is useless. No amount of worrying changes what you or others have said or done in the past. However, these worries clutter your mind and contribute to feelings of stress in your present. Accepting that everyone makes mistakes—you included—helps you let go of the past and release unnecessary tension. This helps you focus productively on what you can do now to better your circumstances and make the best out of your present.
(Shortform note: Covey offers a complementary way to move forward from concerns about the past: Be accountable for your regrets. Instead of dwelling on unwanted experiences, reflect on how you can change to avoid repeating them. Making a conscious attempt to understand the contributing factors to your regretful experiences illuminates how to avoid repeat scenarios: If your regret relates to your actions, alter your behavior. If it relates to other people’s actions, alter the way you communicate with others.)
Set limits: Determine how much time and energy you’re willing to spend worrying about habitual issues by weighing up how much you care about them. Carnegie suggests that this process forces you to consider how much time these small matters are really worth and prevents you from wasting unnecessary energy on habitual worries and frustrations.
(Shortform note: Once you’ve determined how much time and energy a worry deserves, psychologists recommend sticking to your limit by scheduling a time for it and setting a timer. As long as the timer’s running, feel free to worry to your heart’s content. But, as soon as the timer goes off, redirect your focus to something more productive.)
We’ve just discussed how to positively approach day-to-day issues in a way that alleviates worry. In this approach, Carnegie broadens the scope and suggests practical ways to focus your attention on maintaining a generally positive attitude. The more positive your attitude is, the easier it is to deal with irritations and concerns without feeling worried. He suggests four ways to maintain a positive attitude:
Be yourself: Feel comfortable with who you are. According to Carnegie, striving to be someone different by imitating others makes you feel anxious and unhappy. He suggests that you can resolve this tension by developing and expressing the skills, passions, and interests that make you who you are.
(Shortform note: Psychologists confirm that authenticity (the ability to express who you really are) is essential to your overall sense of well-being. Studies reveal that authentic people are generally happier than inauthentic people because they experience more positive emotions, have higher self-esteem, enjoy better relationships, feel more satisfied, and have lower stress levels.)
Be too busy to worry: Occupy your mind with productive and positive thoughts by keeping yourself mentally and physically busy. Carnegie claims that it’s impossible to think of more than one thing at a time. Therefore, it’s impossible for negative (pessimistic) thoughts to intrude on your mind if it’s already occupied with positive (optimistic) thoughts.
(Shortform note: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (Flow) clarifies how keeping productive inhibits negative or worrisome thoughts. The more you direct your attention on a task, the more absorbed you feel in what you’re doing. Beyond focusing your mind on positive thoughts, as Carnegie suggests, this sense of absorption connects you to the present moment. This makes it difficult for your mind to wander and get distracted by thoughts about the past or future—where, as we’ve seen, worry and anxiety live.)
Practice kindness: Commit to doing at least one good deed every day. Carnegie explains that thinking of ways to benefit others offers two advantages. First, it distracts you from thinking about yourself and your worries. Second, acknowledging your positive impact on others makes you feel good about yourself.
(Shortform note: Scientific research confirms that practicing kindness does make you feel good about yourself. When you give (knowledge, assistance, time, or money) with the intention of helping others, you activate the same parts of your brain that are stimulated by pleasurable activities such as eating good food or having great sex.)
Have faith: Develop your spiritual connection to a higher power by engaging in quiet reflection and prayer. According to Carnegie, belief in a higher power coupled with regular contemplation and prayer alleviates worry because it makes you feel supported. It provides an outlet to share your fears and concerns and helps you articulate and understand the cause of your worries. This cathartic process calms down anxiety and makes worries feel more manageable—making it easier to find solutions to resolve your worries and maintain a positive attitude.
(Shortform note: Research studies confirm that prayer calms your nervous system and makes you less reactive to negative emotions. Like Carnegie claims, it fosters a sense of connection (with a higher power, the environment, and other people), allows you to feel emotionally supported, and encourages you to let go of your worries for a time. If the idea of praying to a higher power makes you feel uncomfortable, researchers recommend imagining yourself having a heart-to-heart conversation with someone you trust. This will allow you to benefit from the positive effects of prayer without giving your mind something to resist.)
Positivity Takes Practice
The process to cultivate a positive attitude may not be as easy as Carnegie makes out—the approaches discussed in this chapter, while useful, skim over the need for some deeper reflection.
Changing your mindset is challenging because your thoughts and your attitude reinforce one another to create an internal feedback loop that’s difficult to break out of: Your thoughts determine your attitude (dwelling on worries makes you feel pessimistic) and your attitude determines your thoughts (you feel pessimistic so you dwell on your worries).
Research reveals that making an effort to become more aware of your thoughts allows you to disentangle yourself from this feedback loop. Instead of feeling as if you’re stuck within an uncontrollable cycle of worries, your awareness allows you to change your thoughts objectively. Pairing this conscious reflection with Carnegie’s methods can greatly improve your success in cultivating a more positive attitude.
We’ve just discussed how to cultivate a positive attitude and alleviate general worries and concerns. An added benefit of adopting a worry-free attitude is that it frees up mental energy to address habitual causes of stress and anxiety that may crop up in your life. Carnegie identifies three habitual worry triggers—criticism, work, and finances. In this final part of the guide, we’ll suggest ways to manage and neutralize anxieties triggered by each of these three areas.
Most people, when criticized, react negatively—becoming angry and defensive or worried about what others think of them. Carnegie argues that criticism has the potential to teach valuable lessons and reacting negatively prevents you from learning them. Learning to control your reactions to criticism prevents negative emotions from spiraling out of control and helps you benefit from what it has to teach you.
(Shortform note: The authors of Thanks for the Feedback clarify why managing your response to criticism is important. Your ability to succeed, both personally and professionally, depends in large part on your ability to seek, understand, and incorporate feedback into your life. Individuals who control their negative response to feedback enjoy many benefits: They have happier relationships, find it easier to adapt to their circumstances, and feel more satisfied at work.)
He suggests three ways to control your negative reactions, create less stress, and benefit from criticism:
Critique yourself: Carnegie recommends regularly examining and criticizing yourself to build awareness of areas to improve. This helps you learn from your mistakes privately instead of publicly and prepares you to receive criticism from others more constructively.
(Shortform note: Social psychologists offer some practical advice on critiquing yourself constructively: Don’t focus on finding fault with who you are—this makes you feel powerless to change your behavior and more sensitive to criticism. For example, believing that you’ll never be good at something because you’re not intelligent. Instead, criticize specific, changeable behaviors. Focusing on modifiable behaviors directs you to specific actions you can take to improve both yourself and your circumstances—and it helps you to respond more rationally to criticism. For example, realizing that you’re not good at something because you haven’t learned the basics.)
Consider the critic’s intention: Carnegie suggests considering the intention behind the criticism—is it to help or berate you? If the intention is to help you, accept it as legitimate and ask yourself what you can learn from it. If it’s to berate you, remember that people often dish out unfair criticism in an attempt to feel more powerful and important. Reframe this sort of unjustified criticism as a compliment because you’re clearly doing something that’s worth their attention.
(Shortform note: Psychologists suggest a way to judge, learn from, and resolve your feelings about any criticism you receive. Split a sheet of paper into four columns. In the first column, write down the criticism word for word without imposing your interpretation over it. In the second column, write down everything that upsets you about the feedback. In the third column, write down why the critic might be right—consider her perspective and what you can learn from it. Finally, in the fourth column, write down what you’ll do next—you might apply the feedback, ask for clarification on what you can improve, or decide that the criticism’s not worth getting upset over and let it go.)
React by doing what feels right to you: While it’s tempting to please critics in an attempt to avoid future criticism, Carnegie argues that it’s a waste of time. No matter what you do, someone will find a reason to criticize you. He suggests basing your decisions and actions on what’s right for you. Acting according to your own judgment increases self-confidence and decreases the tendency to worry about other people’s opinions.
(Shortform note: Another way to think about this is to consider what’s motivating you. Some experts believe that all behavior is driven by the need to fulfill one of two motivation types: intrinsic or extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation comes from your internal self: You engage in an activity because it makes you happy (for example, you blog about topics that interest you regardless of whether or not your content attracts subscribers). Extrinsic motivation comes from your environment: You engage in an activity because you receive an external reward for doing it and it’s what others want from you (for example, you blog about topics that don’t interest you because you’re afraid your subscribers will lose interest).)
It’s important to get a handle on work-related worries because you spend so much of your time and energy at work. When work-related worries build up, they create stress that impacts your ability to enjoy all aspects of your life. Carnegie suggests two methods to reduce your worries about work and boost your overall happiness.
(Shortform note: Career experts clarify how work-related worries impact your ability to enjoy other aspects of your life. First, as we’ve previously discussed, stress creates a number of health problems that impact your ability to relax and feel happy. Additionally, the stress you feel at work bleeds over into your personal life—it undermines your confidence, lowers your motivation, impacts your ability to relate to others, and damages your sex life. All of these effects prove that it’s worth getting a handle on work-related stress if you want to experience more happiness and satisfaction in your life.)
Boring work is a significant source of negative emotions such as resentment, frustration, and worry. On the other hand, enjoyable work significantly improves your health and overall happiness. It also gives you a competitive edge because you willingly spend time mastering skills that you enjoy—leading to further advantageous career opportunities.
(Shortform note: According to research in the area of positive psychology, Carnegie’s advice to seek out enjoyable work also improves your chances of achieving career success. You’re more likely to feel motivated and experience increased happiness and satisfaction when you pursue career goals that genuinely interest you. This positive mental state allows you to access the best parts of yourself—your unique strengths and talents—and apply them to successfully achieve your goals.)
Even if you don’t particularly like your job, you can consciously make it more enjoyable—he suggests three ways to achieve this.
Add interest and challenge to your work: Set goals for yourself or take on extra, more interesting projects alongside your regular work. These small changes often lead to genuine enjoyment that makes you want to work. As a result, your productivity increases and gets noticed by employers—creating opportunities for more interesting promotions.
(Shortform note: Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project) clarifies how adding interest and challenge to your work leads to enjoyment. First, tackling additional tasks requires extra mental effort that engages your mind. Recall: Mental engagement prevents negative thoughts and worries from intruding on your thoughts. Second, you’re more likely to feel engaged in a task that you’re genuinely interested in. Third, successfully tackling each task increases feelings of self-satisfaction and pride. This combination of engagement, satisfaction, and pride increases your enjoyment at work and your overall happiness.)
Reflect on how lucky you are: Remember that you’re lucky to have a job and the income it provides. Reframing your thoughts about work so that they’re as positive as possible boosts self-confidence and motivation and prepares you to approach obstacles with a positive attitude.
(Shortform note: Interestingly, research in neuroscience and positive psychology shows that Carnegie’s method of positively reframing your thoughts about work will heighten your feelings of satisfaction in all areas of your life. According to Shawn Achor (The Happiness Advantage), positive thoughts train your brain to find opportunities in adversity and to easily overcome challenges and setbacks. This creates positive momentum in your life and fuels further opportunities to feel happy and satisfied.)
Pursue enjoyable work: According to Carnegie, the ideal way to combat work worries is to work in a job you genuinely enjoy. You can change your line of work at any time and make use of your transferable skills. There’s no excuse to feel stuck in a single career because there are many fields you can succeed in if you apply yourself.
(Shortform note: The authors of Designing Your Life suggest two ways to find enjoyable work and ease your transition to a new career: First, conduct informational interviews to gain insider information about the career or company you’re interested in. Second, arrange work experience—such as volunteer work or an internship—to get a visceral feel for the job role or company. Both methods provide opportunities to expand your professional network, and they allow you to test out the pros and cons of a new career without having to quit your current job.)
Even when you enjoy your work, poor organization and lack of rest can still trigger unnecessary worry. In this method, Carnegie suggests three practical ways to reduce daily work-related stress.
Rest and relax: Take regular moments of rest before you’re tired to prevent fatigue, increase efficiency, promote constructive thinking, and make yourself less susceptible to worry. Accomplish this by scheduling frequent breaks into your day. Additionally, reduce physical tension by regularly checking in with your body to identify tight or stiff muscles. Then consciously relax those muscles.
(Shortform note: Research into ultradian rhythms clarifies how taking frequent breaks improves your ability to focus constructively. When your mind’s at work, your brain and body burn sources of energy such as oxygen and glucose. This process creates metabolic waste that accumulates in your system and leads to feelings of fatigue, stress, and irritability. These feelings impede your ability to focus and make you susceptible to worrisome thoughts. Taking 20-minute breaks every 90 minutes allows your body to flush this waste out of your system, restore your energy sources, and revive your ability to direct your focus.)
Reduce physical and mental clutter: Remove everything from your desk, except for whatever needs your immediate attention. This eliminates distracting, worrying reminders of everything you need to get done and lets you focus on one problem at a time.
(Shortform note: James Clear (Atomic Habits) clarifies how reducing clutter aids your focus. He argues that visual cues in your environment shape your focus and instigate action by tricking your brain into thinking that it’s convenient to act on them. For example, email pop-ups trigger you to automatically check emails. Without them, opening emails requires a conscious decision. Likewise, clearing your desk of all distractions and leaving just one project on your desk makes it convenient to focus your full attention on that single task—removing the need to make a conscious decision to do it.)
Likewise, avoid cluttering your mind: Deal with issues, questions, and problems as soon as they come up. If you can’t attend to them immediately, schedule a specific time to deal with them so that you’re not tempted to mull over them all day.
(Shortform note: Pasricha (The Happiness Equation) offers an interesting way to expand upon Carnegie’s method: Eliminate unnecessary decisions. He argues that you make hundreds of trivial decisions each day that don’t make you feel happier or help you achieve your goals. Instead, they contribute to feelings of stress and overwhelm because they waste your time and deplete your energy. To eliminate these trivial decisions, first track all of the decisions you make in a day and identify the ones that don’t impact your happiness or goals. Then, consider how to remove them. For example, instead of wasting time deciding how to sign off every email, automate the task by creating a default email signature.)
Prioritize and delegate tasks: Plan ahead and schedule each day to accomplish obligations in order of their importance. Knowing your priorities allows you to focus energy on what needs to get done and reduces worries caused by inefficient action. Delegate anything that doesn’t require your personal attention. Entrusting others to help reduces your workload and gives you less to worry about.
How to Prioritize Tasks
Like Carnegie, Brian Tracy (Eat That Frog!) recommends that you prioritize tasks to avoid unnecessary stress. He suggests a practical way to determine which tasks are important and which ones don’t require your attention: Prioritize your to-do list using the ABCDE labeling method. List all of your tasks and label each as follows:
A—must do: Not doing these critical tasks will create serious negative consequences. For example, meeting an essential deadline.
B—should do: Not doing these necessary tasks may create negative consequences. For example, returning a non-critical call.
C—would be nice to do: These tasks don’t impact your goals and don’t matter. For example, attending general meetings with no specific agenda.
D—to delegate: These tasks don’t need your personal input. For example, responding to general inquiries that an assistant can handle.
E—to eliminate: These tasks are unnecessary distractions. For example, checking emails every fifteen minutes.
Money is an essential need so it’s no surprise that it triggers feelings of worry. It’s easy to assume that lack of money creates worry and that having more money resolves your concerns. Carnegie argues that lack of money isn’t to blame for your worries. Rather, poor financial management, overspending, and focusing on what you don’t have triggers worry. If you don’t rectify these causes, your finances will always trigger worry, no matter how much you have. He suggests two methods to improve your attitude toward what you have, keep your finances under control, and ease your financial worries: control your expenses and create financial security.
(Shortform note: Ramit Sethi (I Will Teach You to Be Rich) also argues that good financial management resolves common concerns about money, but concedes that it can be challenging to get a handle on your spending. According to him, there’s a psychological reason underlying the tendency to mismanage money: decision paralysis. You become too overwhelmed to make decisions about your finances when you’re presented with multiple options and opinions about the best way to move forward. To move past this, he recommends that you switch your focus from information-gathering and start taking small proactive steps—such as those we’ll explore in this section—to manage your money more effectively.)
Carnegie suggests three ways to build awareness of where your money goes, encourage conscious spending habits, and create a sense of security and control to alleviate worries about your expenses.
1) Write down everything you spend your money on for at least one month and then tailor a budget suited to your specific needs.
2) Consider the value of intended purchases in terms of how necessary they are to your well-being—will these things make you happy or create unnecessary debt and worry? Then, research your intended purchases to ensure you get good value for your money.
(Shortform note: Sethi (I Will Teach You to Be Rich) adds to this advice by recommending that you use the Mint app to track your spending and the You Need a Budget app to control your expenses. Additionally, he suggests that you focus on spending mindfully: Split your expenses into four areas (fixed costs, investments, savings, and guilt-free spending), decide in advance how much you want to spend in each area, then allocate a portion of your income to each. He argues that this process allows you to spend a portion of your income in any way you wish, even if that includes unnecessary expenses. While this goes against common financial advice, you’re more likely to stick to a budget if you don’t feel like you’re constantly depriving yourself.)
3) Apply for loans only if you can afford to stay up to date with your repayments and maintain a good credit history.
(Shortform note: David Bach (The Automatic Millionaire) offers additional advice on reducing stress around loans: Accelerate your repayments. Paying more than the minimum required amount each month cuts the length of time you’re in debt and reduces the total amount of interest you pay.)
Carnegie suggests three ways to protect and build your income to create peace of mind about your financial future.
1) Allocate extra income to savings accounts to create financial security and prevent unintentional overspending.
(Shortform note: Bach (The Automatic Millionaire) adds to this advice by suggesting that you arrange to automatically save at least 10% of your gross (before tax) income before you have a chance to spend it. He claims that you’ll quickly get used to living without this money so won’t feel tempted to spend it—and you’ll effortlessly build your financial security.)
2) Safeguard against financial misfortunes by arranging insurance to cover you in unexpected events.
(Shortform note: Scott Pape (The Barefoot Investor) provides practical advice on what types of things you should insure: If losing something doesn’t affect your financial security, don’t insure it. For example, if your tablet breaks, you’ll probably be able to replace it without putting yourself at a financial disadvantage. On the other hand, if losing something risks your financial security, you should insure it. For example, if your work computer gets stolen, you’ll lose your ability to work until you purchase a replacement—both factors are likely to put you out of pocket.)
3) Increase your financial security by earning additional income. Consider how to turn your skills and knowledge into a profitable business that fits into your current schedule.
(Shortform note: Carnegie doesn’t elaborate on how to turn your skills and knowledge into a profitable business. There are a few practical steps you can take to start earning money on the side: First, identify what you're good at and enjoy doing. Next, identify profitable opportunities in high-growth areas that you’re interested in. Finally, explore ways that you can use your talents to add value to these areas. For example, if you’re good at organizing and you enjoy looking at healthy recipes, there are multiple businesses you can create from this combination, such as a meal-planning service for people who want to lose weight or are on special diets.)
Though it’s consuming and can easily rule your life, the emotion of worry is fairly simple—it’s focusing outside of the present. Worry is based on overthinking the past and harboring anxiety about the future.
The most basic way to combat worry is training yourself to shut your mind off completely from the worries of yesterday and tomorrow, instead focusing all your attention and energy on the present moment. This is essential to alleviating stress and anxiety. When you worry about the past and future, those stresses and anxieties get added to your present load—you’ll always be carrying three times the weight you need to. When you’re carrying the weight of excess worry, you’re easily stretched to your mental limits. This causes anxiety and unclear, disorganized thinking.
On the other hand, shutting out worries about the past and future ensures that you’re only carrying one day’s worth of stress at a time, which allows you to keep your thinking clear and logical.
Not worrying about the future doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t prepare for it. Of course, it’s necessary to save for retirement, plan your week’s schedule, and so on.
But always keep in mind that no one can predict what’s to come—the only thing in life that you can control is the present moment. Trying to prepare for the future by trying to predict what will happen is a waste of your time. Instead, prepare for the future by doing today’s obligations as well as you possibly can—therefore making things easier for your future self.
It’s important to understand that tackling today’s obligations as well as you possibly can doesn’t mean taking them all on at once or speeding through them. Consider this analogy: Your mind is an hourglass, and the sand inside is made up of your tasks, responsibilities, meetings, and so on. When you allow these grains of sand through the hourglass’s narrow opening one at a time, everything functions as it should. Everything gets done slowly and evenly. But if you were to try and squeeze a whole handful of sand through the opening at once, you’d damage the hourglass, clogging it or breaking it.
Trying to take on too many tasks at once will make you a nervous, worried, disorganized mess. Instead, tackle your day one task at a time and focus your energy on doing that task as best you can—this will create a calm, efficient thought process where everything works as it should.
When you focus on doing “today” as best you can, you naturally interrupt a wasteful thought process that many of us are guilty of—putting off living our lives because we’re focused on a far-off, attractive future.
The tragedy of this thinking is that you arrive at the end of your life and realize that you spent so much time looking forward to the future that you missed the life you were living in the present. Living one day at a time helps engage you more deeply with the life that’s sitting right in front of you.
Besides better immersing you in the present, mitigating worry also helps you avoid serious mental and physical manifestations of worry. It’s relatively unsurprising that doctors have repeatedly found strong correlations between worry and mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety.
What’s more surprising is that worry is also closely linked with serious physical symptoms. Worry can manifest physically as ulcers, headaches, insomnia, cardiac issues, diabetes, and rashes—just to name a few.
(Shortform note: To illustrate this point, Carnegie cited several medical studies that are now outdated. However, modern research echoes his point—there’s a strong correlation between stress and serious health problems such as cardiovascular disease, digestive problems, insomnia, mental illness, and dermatological issues.)
It’s important to note that you don’t need to have overwhelming stress to feel its physical effects—even small, everyday stresses can deteriorate your health over time. Many people brush off their current work stresses, thinking that a bit of worry is a decent tradeoff for more wealth and power—and it’s a common sentiment in today’s fast-paced, ambitious society. But the cost is much larger than you may think. If you want to live a long, healthy life, your focus needs to be less on amassing wealth and more on maintaining your inner peace.
Though you may rationally know that it’s best for your physical and mental health to avoid worry and focus on the present, it can be difficult to put into practice. You’ll have to consciously work on your mindset and the way you approach stressful situations.
In the first half of this summary (Part 2 through Part 5) we’ll focus on:
In the second half of the summary (Part 6 through Part 9), we’ll discuss how to tackle three common worry triggers—criticism, work, and finances.
(Shortform note: Carnegie originally published this book in 1948. Though his main principles of worry management hold true today, we’ve updated some of Carnegie’s advice to include modern knowledge, technology, and services.)
Too often, we focus on the unchangeable past and the far-off future rather than fully living in the certain present.
Describe one way that ruminating on the past disrupts your ability to live in the present. (For example, you worry that you made a bad first impression on a colleague, so you’re withdrawn and uncomfortable while talking to him in the present.)
How can you consciously pull this thought of the past into the present? (For example, “Joe wouldn’t try to chat with me if I’d made a bad first impression. Starting now, I’ll assume he likes me and reciprocate his friendliness.”)
Describe one way that focusing on the future is distracting you from living in the present. (For example, you constantly daydream about moving from the city to the countryside, causing you to miss out on all your city has to offer.)
How can you consciously refocus your thoughts away from the far-off future and onto today? (For example, “I’d like to spend my evening on the porch of a farmhouse, but that’s not where I am right now. Let’s see what interesting events are happening nearby tonight.”)
The most foundational anti-worry tool is thoughtful analysis. Analysis helps neutralize your emotions and breaks worrisome situations down to their basic facts so that you can look at them clearly and calmly. This allows you to make sound decisions and find the best possible solutions.
There are three parts to thoughtfully analyzing and working through worry.
It’s important to gather all the information you can about the situation, as this gives full clarity to it. If you’re worrying about something without full information about it, you don’t know exactly what you’re worried about. This can cause you to get stuck on “what-ifs” or make decisions based on false or incomplete information.
When you’re gathering facts, be sure you’re gathering all the information possible. It’s often tempting to only seek out and use information that confirms your thinking, but this prevents you from seeing the situation from all sides and making a fully informed decision. Of course, it can be difficult to remain unbiased—when you’re faced with worry and emotions are high, you’ll naturally reach for information that makes you feel better, even if it’s not completely true. In these situations, there are several methods you can try to look at the problem and accompanying information more objectively:
Write out all the information you have and lay it out. Information is easiest to sort through when you can visualize it all in one place, so choose a method that allows you to see all your facts at once and is visually pleasing for you—for example, use sticky notes, a whiteboard, or color-coded papers.
Once you’ve looked through all the information, ask yourself:
Then, list all the possible solutions to your problem and decide which will have the best possible outcome.
This process of analysis is important because you get directly to the center of your problem and choose a clear direction to move in—instead of getting overwhelmed by information or caught in a spiral of “what ifs.”
Once you come to a decision, start acting on it. It’s crucial that you start acting on your decision right away so that you don’t have time to second-guess yourself or worry that you’ve made the wrong decision.
Keep in mind that taking action doesn’t necessarily mean solving the problem all at once. It simply means that you should start on what you can do immediately.
One month, you find yourself in an especially tight financial situation. You start worrying—“What if my landlord evicts me?” “What will I do if I can’t afford food in a few weeks?” “What if my power gets cut off?” “What if I unexpectedly lose my job?”
You decide to analyze your situation and figure out how you can make it through the month. You start by gathering relevant information: You make a spreadsheet of your bills and their due dates, you examine last month’s spending and create a budget, and you collect information about the repercussions of missed payments for each of your bills.
You ask yourself, “What am I worried about?” You determine that you’re worried that you won’t be able to cover your most necessary expenses like rent, food, and electricity. You come up with a list of possible solutions:
You review your information about missed credit card payments and see that there’s a special payment system you can use in case of financial difficulty. You decide that this is the best course of action and call your credit card company to explain your situation. They waive this month’s minimum payment so you won’t get a late fee and put you on a payment plan for the next four months so you can catch up on the bill bit by bit.
Without the credit card bill to think about, you’re able to cover all your other expenses for the month, avoid numerous late fees, and get back on your feet.
A lot of stress and worry in businesses is caused by unnecessary meetings that talk around issues but don’t productively dig into problems and their solutions. You can make these meetings more productive and reduce stress in your workplace by making sure you’re asking the right questions—those that spark analysis and action.
What’s the problem? This question is important because a lot of time is wasted in meetings when people don’t actually know what problem they’re facing.
What’s the source of the problem? This question is important because many meetings that discuss problems end without actually finding the root of the problem—which is where solutions should be aimed.
What are all the possible solutions? This question is important because it specifies that numerous suggestions are encouraged. On the other hand, when you ask about “the” solution, it feels that only one suggestion can be important. This drives people to become competitive and refuse to listen to one another.
If you don’t make it clear that you want to hear every idea, you’ll end up spending your time refereeing arguments about whose solution deserves discussion, instead of focusing on the problem at hand.
What’s the best solution? Make sure that once all the possible solutions are written down, you decide on a solution and start taking steps to put it in motion. Don’t get caught up in endless consideration of the different solutions’ outcomes.
Teaching members of your organization to follow these steps when facing a problem reduces your stress and worry in several ways.
Naturally, some anxiety-inducing situations crop up in life unexpectedly and you won’t have time for thorough analysis. In these situations, when all you can do is wait for the outcome, you’ll need a quick way to stop your worry from spiraling out of control. There’s a three-step process to put an “emergency stop” on worry.
1) Determine what the worst possible outcome would be. List all the possible outcomes of the issue—keep going until you arrive at the worst possible outcome.
2) Mentally prepare to accept the worst outcome. Once you have this outcome in mind, mentally accept that it’s going to happen, instead of trying to convince yourself it won’t. This spurs you to shrink your focus to how you’ll deal with the aftermath.
3) Try to make the situation better. Once you’ve accepted the worst outcome and considered how you’ll deal with it, you can focus your energy on finding ways to mitigate your current situation as best you can.
When you’re worried, your judgment tends to become cloudy and panicky—you become lost in thoughts of everything that could happen. By forcing you to consider and accept the worst, this exercise clears your thinking so that you can more effectively find immediate solutions to your problem.
When faced with a problem, you’re much more likely to find a solution by analyzing the situation than worrying about it.
Describe the facts of a situation that you’re currently worried about.
What is the main source of your worry—that is, what are you actually worried about?
What are the possible solutions to this problem?
Which solution do you think is the best course of action?
How can you start acting on this decision, right away?
If you find yourself in a stressful situation with no time for analysis, put an emergency stop to your worries and try to find ways to improve your circumstances while you await the outcome.
Describe a stressful issue that you’re currently waiting for the outcome of.
Think through the possible consequences of this situation. What is the worst possible outcome?
Imagine this worst possible outcome will happen. What would your next steps be?
How can you improve your current situation while waiting for the outcome?
Like most people, you probably often find yourself caught up in a sense of generalized worry about your day-to-day life. These worries are difficult to work through using worry analysis, as they’re usually not based on specific issues that you can gather facts and information about. Rather, this generalized worry is simply a habit to be broken. There are six ways you can break your worry habit.
Often you’ll find that worry and anxiety creep up during your idle moments. Keeping your body and mind as busy as possible is an effective way to keep worry at bay, and perhaps forget about it completely. This is because it’s impossible to actively think about two things at once—for example, try simultaneously thinking about what you had for breakfast this morning and a task you need to complete tonight. You’ll find that you can think of both of these things in turn but not at the same time.
In the same way, your emotions can overrule one another—you can’t feel joy and despair at the same time, for example. When you keep your mind occupied with productive and positive thoughts, it can’t also be occupied by worry and anxiety.
Idle worry usually isn’t too much of a problem while you’re focused on your work during the workday. However, you’re at a much higher risk for anxious thoughts while you relax in your after-work hours. Combat this risk by occupying your mind with positive after-work activities. This might look like:
A strange paradox of human nature is that we usually approach life’s true hardships and setbacks bravely and logically, but easily become emotional and reactive when it comes to small, unimportant matters. This is because we ruminate on these small matters until they become overwhelmingly important and take up our focus.
Many of life’s large stresses are simply a buildup of small problems. For example, small irritations with your spouse can build into irreparable resentment and divorce. Or, someone spilling their drink on you at the bar can escalate into a fight and an assault charge.
You can avoid your tendency to fret about small matters and let them become large, stressful matters by reframing your thoughts in two ways.
Many people tend to worry about everything—accidentally setting their house on fire, natural disasters, plane crashes, and so on. Often, though, once you step back and examine these anxieties, you’ll find that most things you worry about haven’t come to pass, nor are they likely to. Consider how realistically probable the things you’re worrying about are. When you catch yourself falling into your generalized worry habit, ask yourself:
So many of our worries come from our imaginations, not from our reality—these questions interrupt your irrational spiral of imagination and pull your thoughts down to rational, factual ground.
Throughout your life, you’ll encounter situations that are completely out of your control and can’t be changed. Pushing against the inevitable won’t do anything to change the situation—but it will certainly change you by making you angry, resentful, and physically ill with worry.
These situations become less stressful and frustrating when you practice acceptance—instead of trying to change your circumstances, cooperate with your circumstances.
This isn’t to say that you should immediately give up when you encounter any type of adversity. If you encounter a situation that you can control or change, try your best to do so. But, if no action on your end can change or prevent the issue, let it go and find a way to accept it. When you stop wasting your time and energy on things you can’t control, you can put that energy into enriching and enjoying the parts of your life you can control.
Unfortunately, it’s easy to get caught up in worrying about issues that, in the end, aren’t very important. When you’re worrying about something small, think about how much time and energy it’s really worth. Then, set a limit on your anxiety—that is, allow the issue only the time and energy it deserves.
Determine appropriate limits by asking yourself three questions:
For example, you have a friend who always shows up late to plans. You spend hours of your life worrying about losing your reservations and feeling frustrated that you need to wait around for them. You decide to set a limit on how much time their tardiness can take in your life. You tell them, “Let’s meet for lunch. I’m going to be at the restaurant at 12:30, and I’ll wait 10 minutes for you. If you’re not there, I’m going to go ahead and eat or find lunch elsewhere.”
Many chronic worriers tend to ruminate on the past—things you’ve said or not said, mistakes you’ve made, or decisions that might have led you in a much different direction in life.
This is a useless exercise. No matter what you do, you can’t change actions and decisions that have already happened. You can, however, do your best to mitigate or manage the outcomes of those actions and decisions. This may look like committing to your chosen path, changing course, or finding small ways to better your circumstances.
Small worries have the power to take over your thoughts and emotionally exhaust you. Reframe the way you think about them to take away their negative power.
Describe a small annoyance that’s taking up space in your mind. (For example, it’s been raining for a week, or your child keeps interrupting you while you work from home.)
How can you reframe this irritation as something more pleasant? (For example, you might think about how good the rain is for your garden, or reflect on how working from home gives you valuable time with your family.)
While you can’t go back and change your past actions and decisions, you can work on managing them in the present.
What is a past action or decision that you’re ruminating on? (For example, moving to a city you don’t like or acting very rudely toward a waitress.)
How can you manage or mitigate this action or decision in the present? (For example, you can start looking for jobs in a different city, or go back to the restaurant to apologize and tip fairly.)
The happier your everyday mindset is, the harder it will be for worry to take over as your primary emotion and the more easily you’ll gloss over small problems and irritations that could otherwise build into stressful issues. There are seven rules for maintaining a generally happy mindset.
Attitude is much stronger than we often give it credit for—in fact, it’s strong enough to not only control your mental perceptions but also warp your physical perceptions.
It’s important to be aware of your attitude’s power to control how you perceive the world around you because many of your problems and worries don’t stem from your actual circumstances—they stem from your perception of your circumstances.
Even if you’re aware of the importance of approaching problems with a positive attitude, it’s much harder to practice in reality. If you’re in a tough situation, you most likely won’t immediately and fully believe yourself when you say, “I’m happy with the way things have turned out.” However, even if you can’t fully control your thoughts and beliefs, you can control your actions relatively easily. This is important because how you act has a strong bearing on how you feel. Taking actions to improve your attitude toward a problem is called concern—the opposite approach to worry.
And, adopting a more positive attitude will help eliminate the stress and worry of others from your life. When you’re negative and anxious, you naturally draw out the negativity and anxiety of others. On the other hand, when you’re positive and hopeful, you draw out others’ most positive and hopeful sides.
Imagine you’ve recently found out you need jaw surgery, and your jaw will be wired shut for several months during the healing process.
By approaching a stressful surgery with a good attitude, Patient B has ensured not only that she’s informed about the experience of surgery and recovery, but also that she’s preemptively solved her communication problem and set up treats to look forward to, such as smoothie testing and visits from friends.
Holding grudges and keeping enemies has tempted everyone at some point in their lives. But keeping someone as an enemy doesn’t harm them nearly as much as it harms you. Grudge-holding can clutter your mind, deteriorate your physical health with effects such as high blood pressure and insomnia, and interrupt your happiness if you feel that you can’t be happy while your enemy is also happy.
Keep in mind that people can only worry or bother you as much as you allow them to. Stop holding grudges, and you automatically take away others’ power to occupy your thoughts or rule your emotions. There are three ways to combat your temptation to hold a grudge.
The best way to keep moving forward without wasting mental energy on someone you dislike is to forgive them as soon as you can for what they did and simply refuse to think about it. If they’ve taught you a valuable lesson, take your forgiveness a courageous step further by thanking them.
When you’re deeply involved in a cause you’re passionate about, it’s easier to ignore insults. If you feel like giving in to feelings of anger, push yourself further into your cause and commit to proving your critics wrong.
We often fall victim to the fundamental attribution error—that is, we blame others’ shortcomings or negative actions on their character, but when we fall short or behave badly, we take into account the circumstances that caused it to happen.
If you’d been raised in the very same environment as the person you’re holding a grudge against and were put in the same situation as them, you’d likely have acted exactly as they did. Attribute their wrongdoing to circumstance, not their character, and leave it behind you—as you’d hope they’d do for you.
Gratitude is a cultivated practice—ingratitude is human nature. Expecting natural gratitude from others will only lead to frequent disappointment or resentment on your part. Demanding gratitude is also unfulfilling because the demand makes it into an obligation—the delivery feels insincere. It’s better to expect no gratitude at all and be delighted when you do receive it. Focus instead on the joy of giving without expecting anything in return, and expressing gratitude yourself.
Besides making you and the people around you happier, your consistent and earnest expressions of gratitude will naturally cultivate a stronger sense of gratitude in others and show them how to meaningfully express it. Regular demonstrations of gratitude are especially important for parents to perform—by doing so, you raise grateful children.
If you take time to reflect on the ratio of good to bad in your life, you’ll likely find that the good far outweighs the bad. Unfortunately, we often waste what we do have by pining for the things we don’t have. Consciously attribute more of your mental energy to the good aspects of your life than the bad. Some blessings you can reflect on include:
One of the easiest ways to make yourself anxious and unhappy is to reject who you are and strive to be someone different. It’s natural to wish that you had the same looks, skills, or abilities as others—but this is a waste of time. Instead, focus on the extraordinary fact that you are the only version of yourself in the world.
Instead of trying to become an imitation of others, put your time and energy toward finding who you are—your skills, your passions, and so on—and developing your positive aspects.
The difference between wisdom and foolishness is the way you react to setbacks or disappointments.
Happiness doesn’t come only from comfort and pleasure. It can also come from the sense of achievement you feel after overcoming adversity—in this way, setbacks can contribute to happiness if you react to them wisely.
Trying to turn a setback into a positive experience can be overwhelming or discouraging. It’s difficult to look at everything going poorly and envision how it might turn out well. When facing the task of turning a setback to your advantage, keep two thoughts in mind:
Break through self-centered worry and self-pity by committing to doing at least one good deed for someone else every day. When you’re thinking of others and connecting with them, you’re naturally distracted from thinking about yourself and your worries. And interpersonal connections engage you more deeply with your life, preventing you from feeling anxious, restless, and bored.
There are opportunities to connect with and be kind toward others all around you every day. Everyone you encounter—the cashier at Starbucks, the mail carrier at work, your doorman, and so on—would love to connect with someone else. Simply ask them how they’re doing and how their day is going.
Recall that you can change your attitude with your actions. When you focus on being positive toward others and treating them as well as you can, some of your outward positivity naturally turns inward.
When faced with a stressful situation, it can be hard to break out of your worrisome thoughts by mental power alone. Adjust your attitude by doing something productive.
Describe a stressful or worrying situation you’re currently dealing with. (For example, there will be layoffs at your work next month, or you have to get surgery with a long recovery period.)
How are you worrying about the situation? (For example, “What if I’m included in the layoffs? What if I can’t find another job?” or “What if the recovery takes extra time? What if I can’t leave the house?”)
How can you instead concern yourself with the situation and take action? (For example, you freshen up your résumé and start scoping out jobs in your area. Or, you start a new hobby you can continue in recovery and call up your friends to invite them to visit while you’re homebound.)
How do you think these actions will improve your attitude? (For example, updating your résumé reminds you that you have strong, in-demand skills. Scheduling visits with friends gives you an aspect of recovery to look forward to.)
Setbacks become less worrisome when you focus on the valuable lessons they can teach you.
Describe a current or recent setback. (For example, you got hit with a huge unexpected expense, or your relationship just ended.)
What lessons can you draw from this experience? (For example, you learned how to make a monthly budget and now understand the necessity of an emergency fund. Or, being single is allowing you to learn more about your individual interests and what you want from your next relationship.)
What positive outcome can you draw from this setback? (For example, you were forced to examine your spending which revealed many ways you can save more money. Or, you now have the opportunity to start a relationship with someone whose values better align with yours.)
The role of a higher power and faith in your life shouldn’t be based on the belief that your religion is “the” religion or comparison between the values of your religion and others. Rather, religion should show up in your life as something that makes your life better and happier, and helps you renew the spiritual values that give you inner strength and courage, hope, satisfaction with your life, and purpose.
Religion and prayer are strong forces against the worry and stresses of everyday life—and of course, the physical symptoms of worry. This is because prayer fulfills three worry-alleviating needs:
(Shortform note: Even if you don’t subscribe to traditional religion, you can still find a higher power and a type of prayer. For example, you might think of nature as your religion, or think of the universe as a type of higher power. Your prayers might look like: meditation, journaling in the morning, writing messages in bottles, simply speaking them aloud to the universe.)
Unfortunately, many of us don’t consider the importance of faith and religion until we’re absolutely in need of it—that is, when we’re in deep trouble, in an extremely worrying situation, or completely shattered in a mental or physical sense. Instead, we should be practicing religion...religiously. It’s easy to forget to reflect on spirituality within the context of a busy life, but it’s important to regularly find a moment to think of your spirituality and connect with it.
Taking a quick moment of quiet reflection can make you more relaxed and calm, remind you of your small place in the world, and realigns you with your values. Furthermore, it can energize and motivate you because it connects and reassigns your mortal needs to an immortal and infinite power, making your needs feel more achievable.
(Shortform note: Read our summary of The Power of Positive Thinking to learn different ways to effectively practice prayer.)
Having tools to keep your general mindset relatively worry-free frees up mental energy to deal with larger, more specific types of worry. In this next half of the summary we’ll examine three common worry triggers—criticism, work, and finances—and methods for managing them.
One aspect of life that triggers anxiety in almost everyone is criticism. As natural as a negative reaction to criticism may be, it’s important to learn how to control your emotions and examine criticism with clear judgment because it often has the potential to teach valuable lessons. There are three ways that you can keep negative emotions to a minimum when you receive criticism: remember that you’re not perfect, do your best, and think of unjustified criticism as a compliment.
Without fail, we’ve all done foolish and regrettable things or made bad decisions—and often, received justified criticism for what we’ve done. Often, we instinctively react to this criticism in the worst possible way, either becoming angry and defensive or worried sick about what people must think of us.
The best way to deal with justified criticism is to recognize that it’s a valuable learning opportunity. Rationally, you probably know that you learn more from those who honestly criticize you or push back against your decisions than you’ll learn from those who dishonestly praise you and blindly go along with your ideas. There are two ways to become more receptive to criticism and your potential to learn from it.
When you examine and criticize yourself, you ensure that you won’t be taken by surprise by others' criticism. Furthermore, doing so gives you the opportunity to learn how criticism of your work can yield positive results, on your own, less emotionally charged terms.
When criticism comes from a place of sincerity and kindness, rather than spite or malice, it should be welcomed. Unfortunately, many of us become defensive and shut down when we receive criticism, even if it’s constructive.
To combat this natural tendency to shut down, train yourself to take a moment of reflection when you receive criticism and consider if the criticism is legitimate. First, remind yourself that just like any other human, you’re imperfect and can make mistakes. Second, ask yourself:
For example, Carnegie tells the story of a Colgate salesman who, when he wasn’t able to make a sale, would ask the non-buyer for feedback on his sales pitch. Their criticism was sincere and helpful, and he took it to heart and changed his methods based on what vendors suggested was working or not working. This attitude helped him improve his sales methods and move up the ladder until he was eventually president of the company.
(Shortform note: For more tips on productively accepting feedback and criticism, read our summary of Thanks for the Feedback.)
Whether the criticism you’re receiving is justified or not, one of our greatest problems with receiving criticism is that we take it too seriously. We react in two ways:
When you feel yourself overreacting to criticism, keep two important ideas in mind:
Instead of basing your decisions and actions on whatever you believe will draw the least amount of criticism, focus on doing what you absolutely believe is the right and good choice. When you believe in your heart that you made the best possible decision, it’s much easier to let criticisms bounce off of you, instead of internalizing and worrying about them.
Above all, remember that the outcome of your decision is important—not the criticism or praise you receive for your decision.
Don’t concern yourself with unjustified criticism. When you’re criticized unfairly or for no particular reason, it’s usually because your critic needs to feel more powerful or important than you. Their criticism says much more about them than it does about you.
Instead, take unjustified criticism as a compliment. Their criticism signals that you’re accomplished enough to garner criticism, and whatever you’re doing is worth jealousy and attention.
Though unjust criticism might sting, it can be considered a compliment—it means you’re doing something that merits jealousy and attention.
Think of the last time you received unjust criticism. Describe the situation you were in when you received it.
Describe the criticism you received.
Why do you think that you received this criticism?
How can you reframe this criticism in your mind as a type of compliment?
One of the most common sources of worry for many people is work—to-do lists become overwhelming, dead-end jobs feel frustrating, and competition breeds insecurity. It’s important to get your worries about your work under control because work occupies a huge part of your life. Naturally, worry about work starts to touch aspects of your life outside work such as your hobbies, your relationships, and so on. There are three main ways to reduce your work worries: Search for ways to enjoy the job you do have, seek out and pursue work you genuinely enjoy, and establish good, healthy working habits.
One significant way that work can contribute to your fatigue and worry is boredom. It does this in two ways:
On the other hand, when you’re interested in what you’re doing your metabolism picks up and you get a boost of mental stimulation, making you feel physically energized. This is why your energy suddenly picks up when a friend invites you out for a night of drinks and dancing even though you were just pinching yourself to stay awake at the end of the workday.
Besides simply making you less mentally and physically tired, reducing your boredom at work creates significant benefits in both your working life and your home life.
To reap these benefits, you’ll have to find ways to enjoy your work and feel energized by it—even if you don’t particularly like your job. There are four ways you can do this.
Try to add some interest, purpose, or challenge to your work by making small goals or games for yourself, or taking on extra projects that are more interesting than your regular work.
Often, you’ll find that acting like you enjoy your work leads to genuine interest—if not in the work itself, in the challenges you’ve made for yourself.
When you enjoy your work, you work faster—this means you get everything done by the end of the day, and don’t need to spend extra time in your workplace finishing up your tasks. And, working faster or more efficiently can line you up nicely for a promotion.
When you’re feeling resentful of your work, think about how many people would love the chance to work at your job. Reflect on how lucky you are to have a job, even if it’s not exactly the job you want right now.
Talking to yourself positively before work and reflecting on your goals helps you approach your work with a positive attitude. This daily attitude adjustment will give you increased motivation to reach your goals, and your positive thoughts will help carry you through the tougher moments of your job.
While the methods of pretending to enjoy your work can reduce your frustration and worry, it’s even better to genuinely enjoy it. When you dislike your work, you spend much of your life feeling resentful and uncomfortable, as if you don’t quite fit in where you are. On the other hand, working in a job you love positively affects your life in three ways.
Unfortunately, many of us are tasked with figuring out what we want to do with our lives when we’re young and still aren’t sure what we’re actually interested in, so we choose the wrong line of work.
The good news is, you can always change the direction of your career. There are a few ways to figure out what you genuinely want to do for work.
(Shortform note: Read our summary of What Color Is Your Parachute? for advice on finding a career that aligns with your interests and your abilities.)
Once you’ve gotten yourself into the right job, or at least are doing your best to enjoy the job that you have, you’ll have the mental space to consider ways to make your working life more organized and stress-free. There are four actions you can take toward less tiring, less stressful workdays.
You don’t need to grind yourself to exhaustion or work nonstop to be efficient. Rest not only repairs and energizes you, but also prevents fatigue, which can make you more susceptible to negative emotions like worry.
Taking regular moments of rest before you’re tired will make you much more efficient and sharp, and will keep your judgment clear. On the other hand, working when you’re tired leads to sloppy, inefficient work and emotionally charged judgment.
There are numerous ways you can add moments of rest to your day, depending on the structure of your work:
Interestingly, most of your work-related fatigue isn’t mental fatigue, though it might feel that way. Your fatigue is more likely physical—even if you don’t work in a physically demanding job. At work, you naturally experience negative emotions, like frustration or anxiety, over the course of the day. These emotions cause near-constant physical tension, which exerts your muscles and tires you out.
There are three methods of reducing tension at work.
Relaxing at Home
The need for relaxation isn’t limited to office work—if you work from home or are a stay-at-home parent, it’s still important to prioritize relaxation, though your methods might look a bit different at home.
Keep an interest notebook. Jot down interesting or uplifting ideas, quotations, or doodles that you can revisit in moments of boredom or anxiety. This is a great outlet for creativity when you need a moment away from your tasks but can’t physically leave.
Gloss over the shortcomings of others. When you live with the people you share a workspace with, it can be easy to let their small faults or shortcomings trigger anger or resentment. When you’re especially annoyed, stop and reflect on what you’re grateful for.
- For example, your husband always barges into your office to ask what you want for lunch while you’re trying to concentrate. Instead of reacting with irritation, think about how kind it is that he’s thinking of your needs and come up with a gentle reminder to help him cut the habit.
Connect with your neighbors. Getting to know your neighbors helps you develop the social connections that humans need to feel secure and happy—connections that can be very difficult to make when you’re working alone at home instead of in an office with other people. Take breaks to walk around the block and make an effort to start conversations with the people you come across.
Make your daily schedule the night before. Without the structure and end-of-day deadline that’s usually found in an office setting, your days can easily get away from you. You become overwhelmed with endless to-dos and distracted from your main priorities. When you take the time to plan out your day from the moment you wake up, you add structure and priority to your day and more easily keep it under control.
Relieve physical tension regularly. Set an alarm twice a day to take five minutes to stretch. Additionally, whenever you have a few minutes to take a break, sit or lie down and concentrate on fully relaxing all the muscles in your body.
There are four habits that are crucial to an organized, uncluttered workday that won’t drain your mental energy.
It’s difficult to tackle your problems calmly and efficiently when your desk is crowded with reminders of everything you need to get done. Remove everything from your desk, except for whatever needs your immediate attention. This lets you focus on one problem at a time, instead of trying to navigate the tension between what needs to be done now and what’s creating anxiety on the horizon.
This concept also applies to your thoughts. Don’t hold problems and issues in the back of your mind, resolving to deal with them “later.” This clutters your mind with tense thoughts of everything that needs to be completed. Instead, deal with issues, questions, and problems as soon as they come up. In your workday, this can look like:
Two abilities that are crucial to good, efficient work are clear thinking and knowing how to prioritize your tasks. This means thinking ahead about your day and the importance of each task you must complete, and scheduling your day so that you can work through your obligations in the order of their importance.
A good way to make sure your day’s tasks happen in the order of their importance is to plan and write down your schedule ahead of time—you might do this the night before, choosing to include your morning routine in the schedule, or wake up early and think about how you’ll tackle the day over a cup of coffee.
Don’t delay decisions for fear of pulling the trigger—when you have enough information about an idea or a proposed action, make a decision right away. This “decision” can take several forms:
Prioritizing clear decision-making, instead of allowing hemming and hawing over possible actions and outcomes, quickly clears your to-do list—which alleviates stress for everyone.
If you don’t learn to delegate work to others and trust them to get it done, you’ll end up trying to do everything yourself. This overworks you, making you feel stressed out, resentful, and overwhelmed.
(Shortform note: Our summary of Dare to Lead suggests tips for working through your reluctance to delegate work. For example, try delegating small, easy tasks to others. Once you see proof that others can accomplish the duties you give them, you can start giving larger and more important tasks.)
Many people deal with sleeping problems—work-related and otherwise—at some point in their lives. Insomnia is unpleasant as is, and its effects are compounded when you start worrying about how it's affecting you and your work.
When you get caught up worrying about your insomnia, there are two ways you can help keep the worries at bay. First, you can take your sleeplessness as a sort of blessing—use the time that you’d ordinarily spend in bed thinking about how you can’t sleep to dive into some work for the next day. Either you’ll eventually fall asleep, or you’ll be ahead on your work for the day. Second, keep in mind that no one has died from insomnia—and many of the health problems that come from insomnia such as a lowered immune system and anxiety are actually side effects of worrying about your insomnia.
(Shortform note: Since the 1940s, numerous studies have suggested that lack of sleep does have a negative impact on your health. However, it’s true that there haven’t yet been any reported cases of death from lack of sleep. In any case, Carnegie is correct in stating that worrying about your lack of sleep will make the effects of insomnia worse.)
There are three ways to help yourself get to sleep—without significant worry about it.
(Shortform note: For more tips on streamlining and eliminating stress from your workday, read our summary of Getting Things Done.)
Finding a way to enjoy your work can reduce your boredom and worry and increase your energy.
Describe the work you do that makes you feel bored, frustrated, or anxious.
How can you force yourself to find your work interesting? (For example, creating a personal challenge to increase your data entry speed each day, or setting a goal to get 100% of your copy editing tasks finished at least one day before their deadline.)
What can you gain by finding your work interesting? (For example, your data entry efficiency helps you get accepted for a similar, but much more interesting job or your editor-in-chief promotes you as her personal copyeditor.)
Describe the pep talk you’d like to give yourself before heading into your work. (For example, “Even though data entry isn’t my passion, I can still stand out and show my dedication to hard work. My small daily improvements are setting me up to make a big step into work I love.”)
Research finds that most people think that just a 10% increase in income could solve all of their financial problems. However, your income usually isn’t the problem—it’s the way that you spend it. If your income were to increase by 10%, your spending would likely increase by 10% as well.
Financial problems aren’t solved with a higher income. Financial problems are solved by making a clear plan of how you’re going to use your money—and sticking to the plan. There are 10 rules to keeping your finances under control and easing your financial worries.
Write down everything you spend your money on—from large expenditures like rent down to occasional orders at Starbucks. This is a time-consuming task and takes practice to remember—but the good news is, you don’t have to track your expenses forever. Track meticulously for at least one month, ideally three months.
This practice will help you build an accurate picture of where your money goes. Many people think they know exactly how they’re spending their money—but this exercise surprises almost everyone who does it.
Once you have an accurate idea of how you spend your money, you can put together a budget that’s suited to your specific needs. Budgets have a reputation for being “fun-sucking,” but they actually give joy to your life, because they create a sense of security and control that prevents you from worrying about your spending and keeps your emotions stable.
(Shortform note: There are many resources you can use to build a budget that makes sense for your lifestyle and goals. You might talk to a financial advisor, browse financial literacy websites like NerdWallet, or use an online budgeting resource like Mint.)
Focus on spending your money wisely. Wise spending means getting good value for your money—doing research can help you shop smarter in several ways:
Wise spending can also mean spending your money on things that are meaningful to you and will bring you genuine happiness.
(Shortform note: Read our summary of Your Money or Your Life to learn how to evaluate the meaningful value of your spending.)
Imagine that your salary was $50,000—at this income level, you’d probably be able to save a small amount while living a modest lifestyle. You’d live in a decent, small apartment, shop for sensible and relatively inexpensive clothing, and make your meals at home instead of constantly ordering takeout. You get a promotion that comes with a salary of $100,0000. If you were to maintain the modest lifestyle of your previous salary, you’d be able to save $50,000 per year.
However, most people fall victim to “lifestyle creep” when their income increases—that is, they start upgrading their lifestyle in small ways such as buying nicer clothes, going out to restaurants more, or moving to a slightly larger apartment. These small changes creep your spending higher and higher over time. Though you’re making more money, you’re not saving as much money as you should be able to.
Lifestyle creep—and living beyond or at the limit of your means—can quickly get you into trouble. Make a conscious effort to keep your budget as consistent as possible after experiencing an increase in income. Staying well within your means will create a significant financial cushion, providing you with a sense of security. This isn’t to say that you can’t make some upgrades to your life. For example, moving your growing family into a larger apartment or adding a few more date nights with your spouse to your schedule might be meaningful, wise purchases for you—just have a close eye on your budget and keep your spending under control.
Credit is important because, with good credit, you can get loans, buy a car, or get a mortgage.
While establishing credit and using it is easy enough, be sure that you are doing the hard work of maintaining it and keeping your credit score high to keep yourself eligible for loans. You can do this by:
Using money wisely safeguards you against major financial setbacks, such as accidents and illness, job loss, natural disasters, and so on. You can do this in two ways:
These measures combat worry in both the present and the future:
(Shortform note: Read our summary of The Total Money Makeover for more tips on building an emergency fund.)
If you have children, teach them responsible money management from a young age—this eases your worry that they will one day have financial troubles.
If you’re not making ends meet, you have two options. You can either worry and complain about your situation, or you can create a side business that gives you a small income boost.
When coming up with a business idea, think of what skills you already have, what type of business can fit into your life around your working hours, and what type of business won’t cost you too much money upfront. Many people start side businesses from their hobbies, which usually fit into each of these guidelines.
Most people realize gambling isn’t a good use of your money—yet many people fall into the trap of spending a little money for the chance to hit a jackpot. In fact, Americans lose upwards of $117 billion on gambling each year.
A good way to talk yourself out of the temptation of gambling is to understand the odds of winning. Once you see how infinitesimally low your chances of winning are, you might be less tempted to waste your money.
If there’s no way to better your financial situation, you can at least improve your attitude toward it. There are three ways to accomplish this:
Many people are guilty of “lifestyle creep”—responding to increased income with increased spending on unwise purchases.
What did your spending look like before your most recent income increase? (For example, going out to eat was a once-a-month luxury, you bought a lot of your clothes from thrift shops, and you lived in a small studio apartment.)
How did your spending habits change once your income increased? (For example, you order takeout for lunch nearly every day and go out for dinner on the weekends, you impulsively buy new clothing, and you recently moved into a bigger apartment in a better neighborhood.)
Which “lifestyle creep” spending can you cut out? Which spending is justified? (For example, you can cut back on going out to eat and takeout, and you know that thrift shopping is much more eco-friendly than buying all-new clothing. Moving to a larger apartment in a better neighborhood is justified as it’s significantly improved your sense of well-being.)