In How to Talk to Anyone, communications expert and bestselling author Leil Lowndes presents practical techniques to help you overcome social discomfort, make a great first impression, and confidently develop new social and professional connections.
In this guide, we’ll first explain the secret to getting people to want to talk to you. Then, we’ll explore Lowndes’s techniques for skillfully approaching and conversing with anyone in three parts:
The first step to approaching and talking to anyone is understanding what makes people want to talk to you. According to Lowndes, people will only want to talk to you if they know you like them. This is because, no matter the context—social or professional—everyone wants to feel adored, appreciated, and good about themselves.
Lowndes argues that the need to be liked governs all social interactions. When people are unsure about whether or not you like them, they feel self-conscious. This makes them feel uncomfortable and they struggle to engage with you. On the other hand, when they’re sure that you like them, they feel at ease around you and enjoy your company—they like you because you make it easy for them to feel good about themselves.
(Shortform note: Behavioral analysts add further insights into why being liked is so important to us, and how liking others encourages them to like you. First, the need to be liked evolves from the need for cooperation to survive: The more likable you are, the more willing people are to provide for your emotional and physical needs. This desire to have your needs met leads you to gravitate towards the people who like you. Second, like Lowndes says, when someone knows you like them, they subconsciously feel happy—over time, they’ll automatically associate your presence with feeling happy. This encourages them to seek you out so that they can experience more positive and uplifting emotions.)
While showing people you like them sounds quite simple, many people find it difficult to put into practice because they let discomfort get in their way. When you meet someone, you also want them to like you. This can create discomfort and a fear of rejection, which, according to Lowndes, has a self-fulfilling effect: The more uncomfortable you feel, the more likely you are to unconsciously emit nonverbal and verbal “I don’t like you” signals—thus repelling the very people you wish to engage with.
(Shortform note: Psychologists clarify how fear of rejection impels you to behave in ways that repel others. The more sensitive you are to rejection, the more likely you are to expect rejection, actively look for proof that others don’t like you, and ignore proof that they do like you. This misperception of how others feel about you leads you to behave in maladaptive ways that make others feel uncomfortable, such as becoming overly ingratiating, withdrawing emotionally, or acting defensive or hostile.)
Lowndes suggests a simple solution to overcome your discomfort and send welcoming signals to the people that you want to talk to: Switch your focus from how you want to feel to how you want to make them feel. This involves becoming conscious of the nonverbal and verbal signals you’re emitting—we’ll explore these signals throughout the rest of the guide.
To become good at talking to anyone, you must pay attention to your body language and the nonverbal signals you’re emitting. Since Lowndes’s focus is on helping you talk to anyone, you might wonder why nonverbal signals are so important. According to Lowndes, these silent signals contribute to more than 80% of people’s first impressions of you and influence the way they react to you.
(Shortform note: While it’s true that body language massively influences people’s first impressions of you, there’s no scientific evidence supporting the exact percentage breakdown Lowndes provides. Those who quote numbers on this subject are usually mischaracterizing mid-1960s research by Albert Mehrabian, who claimed that 93% of communication is nonverbal—including body language and tone of voice—and only 7% is verbal. However, this formula was created for a specific context—to reduce uncertainty in understanding people who send mixed verbal and nonverbal signals. Therefore, your body’s signals may not carry as much weight as Lowndes argues when it comes to first impressions.)
In this first part of the guide, we’ll explain how your body language influences the way people think about you. Then, we’ll discuss specific nonverbal techniques you can use to make yourself appear more approachable and appealing.
Lowndes argues that you form an instinctive impression of everyone you come across within the first few seconds of seeing them. Before someone gets a chance to utter her first words, you’ve already made assumptions about her personality, her feelings, her confidence levels, and her social or professional status. Most importantly, you’ve already decided whether she’s the type of person that you want to spend time with. Likewise, people make assumptions about whether they want to talk to you as soon as they set their eyes on you.
(Shortform note: Research expands upon what Lowndes says about instinctive impressions: Your first impressions of others are reasonably accurate indicators of whether or not you’ll get along with them. One study compared the first impressions of strangers meeting a person—who we’ll call Person A—to personality reports on Person A completed by their longtime friends. The first impressions were similar to the personality reports by longtime friends, showing that the strangers’ assumptions were accurate.)
What forms the basis of these assumptions? According to Lowndes, it’s your body language—this includes your posture, how comfortable you appear, the way you smile, and the way you make eye contact. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, your body language constantly emits signals about the way you feel.
11 Types of Body Language
Vanessa Van Edwards (Cues) expands on Lowndes’ discussion of nonverbal cues by explaining that there are 11 different types of body language—each emitting signals about the way you feel.
Facial expressions: There are seven universal microexpressions that reveal your hidden emotions.
Body proxemics: Your general movements reveal a lot about your preferences and how nervous you feel.
Hand gestures: People read into the way you use your hands to express your emotions, tell stories, or comfort yourself.
Ornaments: Your clothes and accessories—and the way you interact with them—are extensions of your body language.
Interest: You express your interest in others by using subtle signals, such as flicking your hair, and obvious signals, such as winking or smiling.
Eye gaze: Your eye movements reveal your intentions and can indicate emotions such as attraction, skepticism, and stress.
Pacifying: These are self-soothing repetitive behaviors that serve to calm you down after experiencing something unpleasant—for example, arm rubbing or bouncing feet.
Haptics: The way you express yourself through touch reveals your preferences. For example, whether you chose to give someone a pat on the shoulder or a hug.
Blocking: These cues create barriers against others. For example, touching your mouth or folding your arms.
Paralanguage: The pitch and tone of your voice reveal how confident or anxious you are even when people aren’t paying attention to your words.
Emblems: There are over 800 cues that people use instead of words, such as a thumbs-up to express agreement. The cues you use depend on your culture and geographic location.
Lowndes argues that in Western society, people instinctively know how to distinguish between nonverbal “I like you” signals and “Get away from me” signals. As previously discussed, people gravitate toward those who appear to like them. Therefore, you can appear more approachable by becoming conscious of the signals your body language is sending and making sure they’re saying, “I like you.”
(Shortform note: As Lowndes says, her advice focuses solely on how Western society interprets body language. Nonverbal signals vary greatly across countries so it’s definitely worth researching them if you’re planning to engage with other cultures. For example, in America the thumbs-up sign is an indicator of agreement or a job well done. However, in Greece or the Middle East, it’s akin to using the middle finger.)
Lowndes decodes this silent language and explains how to create a positive impression throughout the following five techniques.
According to Lowndes, people interpret poor posture as an unwelcoming signal. Trying to minimize your physical presence by slumping implies that you’re insecure or ashamed and don’t want to be approached.
On the other hand, people interpret good posture as a welcoming signal because it implies that you’re proud and confident and have nothing to hide. This tricks them into assuming that you’re an accomplished person who deserves their attention.
(Shortform note: Research reveals that, in addition to making you appear more approachable, good posture makes you feel happier and more confident. Good posture increases levels of testosterone and decreases stress hormones, such as cortisol. These hormone changes make you feel more energetic and confident, increase your self-esteem, and lessen any social anxiety you feel. On the other hand, poor posture decreases your levels of testosterone and increases your cortisol levels. These hormone changes make you feel more fearful, sad, lonely, and sluggish—thus increasing your feelings of social anxiety.)
Lowndes claims that people interpret fidgeting and guarded movements as insincerity because they make you look suspicious and defensive:
On the other hand, Lowndes argues, people interpret a relaxed and open stance as a sign of an honest and welcoming personality because it signals that you’re calm, unafraid of appearing vulnerable (because you have nothing to hide), and approachable. To come across as calm, self-assured, and trustworthy, practice keeping your arms loosely by your sides with your palms and wrists faced upwards. If you’re approached by people you want to talk to, turn your body totally towards them to show them they’ve got your full attention—this implies that you’re happy to be in their company and puts them at ease.
(Shortform note: Why keep your palms and wrists faced upwards? According to psychologists, primitive survival instincts lead you to unconsciously perceive closed or hidden palms as a sign of danger—if you can’t see someone’s hands, you don’t know if they’re holding a weapon. In addition to the open body language Lowndes describes, you can reduce uncertainty about your intentions by tilting your head to one side. Exposing your neck—one of the most vulnerable areas of your body—signals that you’re very comfortable around others and have no intention of causing harm.)
18 Fidgety and Guarded Movement to Avoid
Marc Chernoff, author of Getting Back To Happy, expands on what Lowndes has to say about fidgety and guarded movements. He provides a list of 18 gestures that you should avoid doing around the people you want to talk to and explains the signals each sends:
Holding objects in front of your body: This indicates shyness, resistance, and a need to separate yourself from others. Instead, carry objects by your side.
Checking the time or inspecting your fingernails: This indicates a strong sign of boredom.
Picking lint off your clothes while talking to someone: This indicates that you disapprove of someone’s ideas and feel uneasy about giving an honest opinion.
Stroking your chin while looking at someone: This indicates that you’re making a judgmental decision about this person.
Touching your face during a conversation: This indicates deception, especially when you touch your nose or your mouth.
Leaning away from someone: This indicates disinterest and dislike, especially when you’re sitting around a table.
Resting hands behind the head or the hips: This indicates superiority or arrogance and should only be used when you’re in the presence of close friends or family.
Not directly facing the person you’re speaking to: This indicates discomfort, disinterest, and a lack of commitment to the conversation.
Crossing your arms: This indicates defensive resistance and sometimes egotism. Always keep your arms open and at your sides.
Scratching the back of your head and neck: This indicates doubt and can be interpreted as deception.
Fiddling with your shirt collar: This indicates extreme discomfort and nervousness.
Crossing your hands over your genitals: This indicates that you feel nervous and vulnerable. It has the added effect of pushing your shoulders forward—making you appear smaller and weaker.
Propping up your head with your hands: This indicates boredom. Instead, place your hands on the table and keep them at rest.
Wiping sweaty hands on your clothes: This indicates that you’re frantically nervous.
Sitting on the edge of your chair: This indicates that you’re mentally and physically uncomfortable.
Foot and finger tapping: This indicates stress, impatience, or boredom.
Fidgeting with small objects: This indicates anxiety or a lack of preparation.
Shifting body weight from foot to foot: This indicates mental and physical discomfort and implies that you’re ready to leave the conversation.
According to Lowndes, people don’t respond warmly to quick, instinctive smiles because they interpret them as impersonal—they assume that you’re flashing that smile at anyone you come across. This impels them to respond in kind, by acting detached or distant.
Another behavior that puts people off, Lowndes argues, is a lack of eye contact. Others interpret it as a sign that you’re either distracted or uncomfortable, and this makes it difficult for them to form an emotional connection with you.
To get a warm response, Lowndes suggests that you avoid your instinct to flash a quick smile at anyone you meet. Instead, look the recipient in the eyes, pause briefly, and then let out a big warm smile while maintaining eye contact. The delay will convince recipients that you’re smiling just for them and they’ll instantly feel like you’re happy to meet them. As you continue your conversation, attempt to maintain a comfortable amount of eye contact to convince them that you’re interested in what they have to say.
More Facts About How We Interpret Facial Expressions
Research backs up what Lowndes has to say about how your smile and use of eye contact influence others. The following facts add further insight into what your facial expressions say about you.
Genuine smiles don’t only impel others to let their guard down, but can also make them feel happier in two ways:
Smiling is contagious: It’s scientifically proven that your brain automatically notices and responds to other people’s smiles. It follows then that you’re more likely to receive a genuine, warm smile from someone if you smile first.
Smiling releases endorphins: The physical act of smiling triggers the release of mood-enhancing neurotransmitters, such as dopamine and serotonin. Since smiling is contagious, your smile encourages others to smile—this changes their body chemistry and makes them feel happier.
Additionally, research shows that not only should you maintain eye contact, but that you should also avoid certain eye movements if you like someone:
Narrowing your eyes: This indicates dislike—either of the people you’re talking to or what they’re saying.
Looking down while around others: This indicates disinterest and can sometimes be interpreted as arrogance.
Rapid blinking: This indicates anxiety.
100% eye contact: This indicates aggression and is often used before a fight.
Finally, your communication doesn’t stop with your eyes—you can also use your eyebrows to communicate. A quick raise of your eyebrows indicates a “yes” during a conversation. It can signal recognition, interest, approval, agreement, or gratitude.
Give a quick eyebrow flash followed by a warm smile to convey that you like someone.
Raise your eyebrows just before you say something to encourage someone to listen to you. Couple this with making eye contact 30% of the time to increase what they remember about what you say.
Lowndes suggests a way to automatically trick your body into sending positive signals: Pretend that you’re already close friends with the people you want to talk to. She argues that you only feel—and broadcast—discomfort when you’re feeling unsure about how others will respond to you. However, when you imagine that you’re already close friends, you remove this uncertainty and automatically feel more relaxed and comfortable around others.
According to Lowndes, pretending to like others feels so good that it eventually turns into genuine affection. While you’re initially only pretending to like them, you’re sending signals that put them at ease—encouraging them to like you and respond warmly to you. This makes you want to like them, resulting in a genuinely comfortable and enjoyable interaction.
Two Ways to Trick Yourself Into Sending Positive Signals
Many self-help practitioners mirror Lowndes’s suggestion that imagining the desired end result of your meeting—a close friendship—leads you to act in ways that bring it into reality. But, how can you make yourself believe that you’re friends with someone when you’re not? Self-help practitioners offer various ways to achieve this:
Joseph Murphy (The Power of Your Subconscious Mind) suggests that you should first consider how you’d like other people to think about you. Then think about them in this way, regardless of how they behave. For example, if you’d like people to compliment you, then think complimentary thoughts about others. Like Lowndes, Murphy argues that people will intuitively pick up on your positive thoughts and reflect them back to you.
Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life) suggests the inverse of Murphy’s approach: You need to think about yourself the way you want others to think about you. Hay claims that every experience in your life reflects your opinion of yourself: If you don’t like yourself, you send out emotional signals that make other people not want to like you. According to Hay, practicing positive affirmations will change the way you view yourself and the emotional signals that you send out. Other people will then reflect these emotional signals back to you. So, if you want others to like you, affirm to yourself, “I like myself” before approaching them.
If you’re attracted to someone, instead of playing coy, hold their gaze for as long as possible. Lowndes argues that strong eye contact is more likely to invite a positive response because it makes the recipient feel like she’s captivated you. Your obvious interest in her triggers a nervous, biological response that’s similar to what happens when people fall in love: It increases her heartbeat and pumps adrenaline into her bloodstream. Because she’s not conscious of why she’s experiencing this nervous physical reaction, she interprets it as a sign of mutual attraction and intimacy.
To encourage attraction, maintain eye contact with your recipient even when others in your group are speaking. If you must look away, do so slowly and reluctantly—as if you’re so enthralled that you can’t look away. To make it less intense, let your eyes bounce between your recipient and back.
Lowndes warns that intense eye contact should be used with caution. If your intended recipient has already decided that she’s not attracted to you, she’ll interpret your attention as arrogance and won’t respond well. (Shortform note: Additionally, research shows that maintaining eye contact with too much intensity makes you come across as a psychopath.)
How Prolonged Eye Contact Impacts You
Research backs up Lowndes’s claim that holding someone’s gaze is an effective way to encourage mutual attraction and reveals why prolonged eye contact has such a profound impact:
It immediately triggers a state of increased self-consciousness and this makes you more aware of your own body—which makes you feel as if your heart’s beating faster than usual.
It consumes extra brainpower and this makes it difficult to talk about or process complicated topics—which might make you feel tongue-tied and nervous (the uncomfortable side-effect of infatuation).
It influences how you perceive other people’s emotions—the more eye contact, the more intensely you experience what they’re feeling.
While it’s obvious that the amount of eye contact you make does influence others, there’s also another aspect to this—what people see in your eyes. Subconsciously, people pay attention to what your pupils are doing to further interpret your intentions.
Dilated pupils: People interpret this as a sign of attraction and emotional arousal and they judge you to be more trustworthy. Further, their pupils tend to mimic yours and show similar dilation.
Constricted pupils: People interpret this as a sign of fear and they judge you to be less trustworthy.
So far, we’ve discussed how to align your body language in a way that sends positive, welcoming signals to the people that you want to talk to. However, this doesn’t mean that you should just sit back and wait for them to approach you. Let’s take things one step further and explore how to use this knowledge to proactively approach others.
Since most people are unaware of the nonverbal cues that they emit, you now have a distinct advantage in social situations because you know how to:
Differentiate between those who want to be approached and those who don’t: A relaxed and open stance implies that you’re welcome to approach them. If they’re slumped, guarded, or fidgety, you probably won’t get the warm response that you want.
Interpret how people feel about you during interactions: If they turn their body fully towards you and maintain eye contact, they’re interested in you and want to engage with you. If they physically turn away, fidget, or avoid eye contact, they’re either uncomfortable or distracted—in either case, they’re not giving you their full attention.
If you find that the people you want to talk to you appear unapproachable or inattentive, Lowndes suggests three ways to influence them to respond to you more positively:
1) Approach them anyway: As long as you use the techniques discussed above and don’t say anything rude or unpleasant, they’ll pick up on your positive signals and instinctively feel more comfortable around you.
(Shortform note: If you choose to approach them as Lowndes suggests, maintain a little distance to keep them at ease. People tend to consider the four square feet of space immediately surrounding them as personal space. Unless you’re already close to someone—for example, a good friend—crossing this invisible boundary will make them uncomfortable.)
2) Mirror the way they move: Maintain your open posture and eye contact but also imitate their gestures. This gives the impression that you’re similar in nature and instantly puts them at ease. For example, if they use their hands to make a point, use yours in the same way.
(Shortform note: Research backs up Lowndes’s claim that mirroring puts others at ease. In fact, studies show that mirroring others aids cooperation and improves your ability to persuade them to do what you want in both social and professional contexts. For example, it enhances interpersonal bonds between salespeople and customers, leading to increased sales. However, mirroring only works if you're subtle about it—obvious attempts at imitation may make others suspicious and decrease rapport.)
3) Take steps to change their body language: Play with changing your tone or the topic of conversation while keeping an eye on how they’re responding to you. When you find something that puts them at ease or triggers their interest, they’ll automatically warm to you and their body language will reflect this.
(Shortform note: Jordan Belfort (Way of the Wolf) suggests a practical way to change someone’s body language: Start by mirroring their movements and then lead them to adopt more open body language—this will work because people unconsciously mimic others. For example, to get someone to uncross their arms, fold yours similarly and then slowly uncross them to adopt a more relaxed position.)
Now that you understand how to send positive and welcoming nonverbal signals, let’s discuss how using the right verbal signals enhances the way people perceive and respond to you. Lowndes maintains that you’ll enjoy pleasant interactions if you put your conversation partners at ease and focus on making them feel as if you like them. She suggests four techniques to help you achieve this.
Lowndes suggests an easy way to start conversations: Draw attention to yourself by wearing or carrying something unusual, such as a unique brooch or a colorful shirt. This gives people an excuse to approach you and gives you something to talk about. Likewise, pay attention to what those around you are wearing or carrying so that you have an excuse to approach them. Using a complimentary phrase such as, “Wow, I love your shoes! Where are they from?” not only helps you to start a conversation, but it also shows others that you’re interested in them and what they have to say.
(Shortform note: While this approach can get you noticed and help you to approach others, be aware that it might also make you appear insecure. Research suggests that people who wear eye-catching clothing and accessories do so because they feel jealous of those who receive the attention they want. This probably isn’t a signal you want to emit when meeting someone new. Therefore, instead of choosing to wear something loud just to get noticed, think carefully about what clothing or accessories complement your unique personality. This way, you’ll appear more authentic—instead of someone who’s just looking for attention.)
According to Lowndes, another effective way to approach new people is to ask mutual acquaintances to make introductions for you. Before they introduce you, ensure that they’ll pad out these introductions with a few details, such as the new person’s hobbies or interests, so that you have the opportunity to show your interest and start a discussion.
Alternatively, if your acquaintances are too busy to introduce you, ask them for information so that you can find a shared interest to use as an icebreaker. With this information, you can easily approach someone new using a variation of the following line: “Hey, I was just talking to … and she told me that you …”
(Shortform note: What if you don’t know any mutual acquaintances to introduce you or provide information? Relationship experts offer a simple technique: Approach the person and say, “Hi, I’m X. What’s your name?” If the thought of introducing yourself so brazenly makes your palms sweat, use subtle, situational icebreakers to elicit a response: If music is playing, ask them if they know the artist or if they like the song. If there is food or drink, ask them what they’ve tried and what they’d recommend. If you’re outside, make a comment about the weather.)
When people first meet each other, they usually ask two questions: “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” Normally, they each respond with fact-based answers—for example, “I’m from New York and I’m an engineer.” But, Lowndes argues, this sort of answer shuts down a conversation—if your conversation partner’s never been to New York or knows nothing about engineering, they won’t know how to continue the conversation.
Instead, Lowndes suggests extending your responses to these two questions in a way that stimulates a response—by using interesting facts, jokes, or general observations. This requires coming up with different variations depending on who you’re talking to and the social context you’re in. If you’re seeking to make friends, keep your responses fun and general. For example, “I’m from X—where they make the best goat’s cheese in the world.” If you’re talking to them for networking purposes, consider what interest this person could have in you or your work and include that in your response. For example, “I’m an engineer and have been working on X for the past two years.”
(Shortform note: If you’re struggling to come up with stimulating ways to respond to these two questions, reframe your answer to divert the conversation to topics you’d prefer to talk about. For example, respond to “Where are you from?” by saying, “I’m from X but I moved to Y because Z.” Respond to “What do you do?” with “I work in X but lately I’ve been spending my time doing Y because Z. How do you spend your time off?” This diversion tactic lets you avoid unwanted questions and it helps you to move the conversation to topics you’ll find more comfortable and engaging.)
Once you’ve discussed where you’re from and what you do, you’ll need other topics to lure people into conversations and keep them engaged. Lowndes suggests four ways to prepare yourself for interesting conversations:
1) Find out who will be there: Before you accept an invitation, find out what type of people will be there—will it include people from a single profession or interest group? Knowing what types of conversations you’ll be expected to engage in will help you prepare for them.
(Shortform note: Van Edwards (Cues) expands on Lowndes’s advice to prepare yourself before an event. She suggests that you set yourself a specific intention that details why you’re attending the event. This will give you a clear idea about what type of person you want to meet and what you want to get out of the interaction. As a result, you’ll feel more motivated to approach others. Effective intentions can be as simple as, “I want to find 10 new clients,” or, “I want to have a fun conversation with someone I wouldn’t normally talk to.”)
2) Listen to the news: This will keep you up to date on current affairs and will provide common topics to discuss.
(Shortform note: While Lowndes’s advice to listen to the news will give you common topics to discuss, doing so may not be good for your mental health. Constant exposure to the news increases feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression—these feelings will exacerbate any social discomfort you feel. Stay informed about what’s going on without getting stressed by limiting how much news you consume to less than 30 minutes a day.)
3) Continually try new activities: Restricting yourself to specific activities limits your ability to engage with people who have other interests. The more you try out or read about different activities, the easier you’ll find it to communicate with a wider range of people.
4) Broaden your vocabulary: In addition to researching things to say, think about how you say them. Make yourself sound more interesting by replacing your most common words with alternatives. Look through a thesaurus to find words that suit your personality and reflect how you want to come across to others.
(Shortform note: While trying new activities or changing your vocabulary might improve your communication skills, these methods may actually undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem. According to Maxwell Maltz (Psycho-Cybernetics), methods like these encourage you to pretend to be someone else so that you can get the reaction you want—for example, interest or attraction. The more you engage in these false behaviors, the more difficult it becomes for you to accept and express who you really are because you’re never sure if people like you for who you are or who you’re pretending to be.)
The four techniques we’ve just covered will help you feel more comfortable about approaching others to discuss a variety of topics. But what if you’re hoping to engage in more meaningful conversations? According to Lowndes, if you want to move beyond superficial conversations, you’re going to have to build an emotional connection with your conversation partner.
What is an emotional connection? To put it simply, it’s when people trust each other enough to reveal more about themselves—who they are and how they really feel about things. Lowndes explains that it’s at this stage that conversations move from being superficial to being meaningful.
(Shortform note: Social experts expand on this definition by explaining that emotional connections and meaningful conversations rely on four factors: First, people need to feel safe enough to express themselves—this happens when they trust you not to laugh at them or judge what they say. Second, people need to feel like you’re sharing just as much about yourself so that they don’t feel so vulnerable. Third, you need to open up about your emotions and the way you feel about things. Fourth, you need to make them feel like you understand them—achieve this by acknowledging and responding to what they say throughout the conversation.)
She suggests four techniques to help build trust so that you can develop an emotional connection.
Ask them questions to learn more about how they spend their time and give them space to talk about themselves. Then mention how much you enjoy listening to them and find a way to relate your own interests to theirs. According to Lowndes, this approach will endear them to you because it signals that you’re interested in who they are and what they care about.
Remember details for future conversations: Write down interesting facts about the people you talk to so that you can refer to them the next time you meet them. Alluding to things that they’ve previously shared about themselves instantly makes them want to reveal even more—because it demonstrates that you’ve been paying attention to them and care enough to remember little details.
(Shortform note: Psychologists and self-help practitioners echo Lowndes’s advice to flaunt your interest in others. Research clarifies how this builds an emotional connection: At heart, we’re all narcissists and we want attention. Therefore, when someone pays us attention, we can’t help but revel in it. But, what if you have no interest in what other people say and aren’t able to fake it? You may be looking for friends in the wrong places. You can develop an interest in others by actively looking for people with whom you can effortlessly relate. Achieve this by first considering your innate interests. Then, think about where you’ll find people with similar interests—and go there to strike up a conversation.)
Be conscious of revealing your flaws. Many people assume that they can make themselves appear more endearing by throwing in self-effacing remarks. However, Lowndes argues, this tactic produces different effects depending on your professional or social status.
Therefore, Lowndes argues, you should think carefully about your status and how positively or negatively others will perceive you before resorting to this common tactic.
(Shortform note: Lowndes suggests that you should attempt to influence others by controlling how you present yourself. Psychologists refer to this tactic as impression management and they’ve found that attempting to control interactions in this way often increases feelings of self-consciousness and social anxiety. This is because it forces you to pretend to be something you’re not—for example, by suppressing your emotions or feigning interest in things that bore you. So, while Lowndes’s tactic might successfully make others feel good about you, there is a chance it won’t make you feel good about yourself.)
Focus your attention only on the good things about them. Don’t put them down or make jokes at their expense. Likewise, don’t draw attention to their faults—for example, if they fumble in some way or say something inappropriate. Instead, do your best to make them feel comfortable and accepted for who they are. According to Lowndes, the more you focus on their good qualities, the more they’ll appreciate you for seeing the best in them.
(Shortform note: How can you make someone feel comfortable if they commit a faux pas? According to social experts, you should focus on minimizing their embarrassment instead of adding to it. Depending on the situation, you can achieve this by ignoring the issue and deflecting attention to something more positive. Alternatively, you can acknowledge the blunder with a lighthearted humorous comment—this gives them the opportunity to laugh it off without losing face.)
One way to put this into practice is to give genuine compliments. Think about what you’re learning about them and what they seem to care about and use complimentary statements to uplift them. This will make them feel appreciated and will encourage them to continue talking. For example, if they’ve been discussing parenthood, say something like, “Well, it sounds like your children are lucky to have you.”
(Shortform note: As Lowndes says, genuine compliments do make people feel good. However, giving too many often produces the opposite effect. According to psychologists, giving too many compliments reduces their impact and makes you look insincere. Further, it encourages people to expect a continual stream of positive admiration—so, if you fail to notice something that they’d actually like to be complimented on, they’ll think something’s wrong. Therefore, if you want your compliments to resonate, limit the number of compliments you give.)
According to Lowndes, people feel more comfortable revealing the truth about themselves to those who seem to be just like them—those who share similar traits, interests, and values.
(Shortform note: Psychologists add insight into why we like people who are just like us: Similarity validates your choices. Meeting people who think about life in the same way that you do decreases your uncertainty about whether or not you’re making the right choices. You interpret their similarities as a form of agreement that convinces you that your approach to life is correct—this increases your self-confidence and makes it easier for you to relax in their presence.)
She suggests that you can encourage people to believe that you’re just like them by adopting the following four tactics.
Show that you empathize with their emotions by tuning into their mood and matching their tone and pace. This will make them feel like you’re on the same wavelength as them. For example, if they talk quickly because they’re excited about something, try to maintain that high when you speak.
(Shortform note: One way to match your partner’s mood is to speak about emotionally similar experiences. This deepens your emotional connection because it demonstrates two things: First, you’re actively listening to them and you understand their emotions. Second, you accept how they feel and you’re willing to join them where they are.)
Listen to the specific words they use and echo them back when it’s your turn to speak. Finding ways to incorporate their vocabulary into what you say will make them believe you share their values and think like them.
(Shortform note: In addition to simulating a feeling of similarity, paraphrasing your conversation partner’s words also ensures that you understand what’s being said in the spirit in which it’s intended. Repetition helps you to clarify what the speaker’s saying. This gives them the comfort of knowing that they’re understood and makes them more inclined to form an emotional connection to you.)
Show that you understand what they’re feeling by using short empathetic statements that match the senses they use to express them. For example, if they talk about how they saw something, you could say, “I see what you mean.” If they talk about how they felt about something, you could say, “I understand how you feel.” These short sentences will make them believe that you interpret the world in the same way that they do and will encourage them to continue. Additionally, this tactic helps to keep the conversation flowing if you find yourself at a loss for words.
(Shortform note: Neuro-linguistic research confirms that sense-matching does subconsciously increase rapport between people. However, trying to mirror another person’s sensory language before you feel any emotional connection to them can backfire—others are likely to consciously notice your attempts and feel like you’re trying to manipulate them. Therefore, wait until you begin to feel a genuine emotional connection to what’s being said before attempting this tactic—this way, you won't inadvertently repel the people you’re trying to connect with.)
Create a feeling of connection and intimacy by using language that presupposes that you’re already friends. When people are in a close relationship, they automatically refer to themselves with words that unite them, such as “we” and “us.” Using these words tricks others into believing that you’re already friends. For example, instead of saying, “I’m going to find some food,” say, “Shall we find some food?”
(Shortform note: While there’s nothing to prove that using the word “we” will trick someone into being your friend, there is proof that it will make you feel happier. Psychological studies show that the pronouns you use most often directly impact your emotional state: Relationship pairs that use “we” and “us” tend to feel happier and calmer and they find it easier to express positive emotions such as respect or affection. On the other hand, relationship pairs that use “I” or “you” tend to be less happy—they have negative facial expressions, negative tones of voice, and project an air of rejection or disdain.)
Lowndes presents a number of techniques to help you approach others and enjoy comfortable conversations. Let’s explore how you feel about practicing these techniques.
Think about the nonverbal and verbal techniques Lowndes suggests for appearing more approachable and creating rapport. Did you find any of these surprising? Why or why not?
Do you already practice any of these techniques? Describe how practicing them impacts your ability to approach and converse with others. (For example, some techniques may make you feel more confident—making it easier for you to talk to anyone. On the other hand, some techniques may make you feel awkward—making it more difficult to approach others.)
Think about the techniques you don’t currently practice. Which of these do you think will be the easiest for you to try out? Explain why.
Which techniques do you think will be most difficult to practice? Explain why.