Do you suffer from persistent anxiety, depression, or illness? If you’ve tried and failed to get relief through talk therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes, you may need another approach. The source of your suffering may lie hidden in your unconscious, where traumas from your past—and your family’s past—are stopping you from achieving happiness, success, and freedom.
In It Didn’t Start With You, Mark Wolynn, director of The Family Constellation Institute, shares the latest research to reveal how traumas get passed biologically from one generation to the next. These traumas can predispose you to emotional and physical distress.
Does that mean you’re doomed if you’ve inherited trauma? No. The secret to uncovering and resolving these traumas, Wolynn says, is language-based therapy—answering a series of personal questions and following the clues that surface in your responses. When past trauma plays out in our lives, it leaves a trail of clues back to the original source of trauma. These clues include words and phrases that seem particularly emotional or out of context.
In this guide, we’ll cover three main topics:
Throughout the guide, we’ll examine research that expands upon Wolynn’s claims, including new data on how birth order and positive childhood environments can influence trauma symptoms. We’ll also consider viewpoints and data that challenge some of Wolynn’s arguments, such as the importance of reconciling with our parents and the limited effectiveness of talk therapy in treating trauma.
Wolynn cites scientific research to support his assertion that prolonged, deep-seated suffering gets passed from generation to generation. In this section, we’ll first examine research confirming that biological markers for trauma get imprinted on our bodies and can transfer across generations. Then we’ll look at the four primary relationship dynamics that Wolynn asserts lie behind prolonged distress.
Cellular biologists have demonstrated that environmental influences—including our mother’s behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs—shape us physically and emotionally from the moment of conception. These influences biologically program us to respond to our environment in certain ways, validating the logic behind Wolynn’s therapeutic approach. Let’s dig into the process more deeply.
Just as our mother’s blood nourishes us with oxygen and nutrients while we’re in the womb, she constantly shuttles us hormones and signals generated by her emotions. As Wolynn explains, these hormones and signals shape the chemistry and function of our cells. The cells, in turn, influence which genes get switched on.
(Shortform note: Wolynn also notes that fathers leave their biological imprint on children, not just mothers. Yet much of the conversation among health researchers homes in on the extent to which mothers’ choices and behaviors affect their children. Some caution that this constitutes the “new science of blaming mothers'' and provides cover for those who seek to scapegoat women for society's ills and control their behavior.)
Scientists can now identify specific genes that are linked with particular emotional states, such as heightened depression and anxiety. So, Wolynn says, we know that which genes get activated determines how we respond to stressors. If your mother experiences high, sustained stress during pregnancy, those stress hormones get passed along, which causes the same stress pattern in you. This could be a good thing—for example, if it prepares you to adapt and survive in a dangerous environment, like a high-crime neighborhood. Alternatively, it could be maladaptive. You could enter the world on high alert and overly sensitive, even when you’re surrounded by love, support, and safety, putting you out of sync with reality.
Many studies now reveal that children of parents who lived through traumatic events—such as the 9/11 attacks in New York City or the Holocaust during World War II—display gene expression and stress patterns similar to those of their parents, even though they didn’t directly experience the trauma. Control groups confirm the uniqueness of these findings. Although scientists haven’t yet isolated the exact mechanisms responsible for this biological transmission of trauma from parent to child, Wolynn says, animal studies indicate that biological markers of trauma can be passed down through at least three generations.
New Research on the Role Genes Play in Trauma Symptoms
Whereas Wolynn asserts that genes influence whether someone manifests trauma symptoms, he doesn’t specify how much influence genes have. Let’s look at what the research says.
According to studies conducted on twins, genetic factors do not cause all differences in trauma response. Rather, they account for about a third of the variation between those who exhibit trauma symptoms and those who don’t. Other research completed after the publication of Wolynn’s book shows mixed results. Studies conducted on children of trauma survivors sometimes revealed no differences between trauma survivors’ offspring and controls in terms of their susceptibility to trauma symptoms. Therefore, we cannot assume that just because a child has parents who endured severe trauma, the child will have a predisposition to trauma symptoms.
Given these mixed results, some researchers are looking at non-genetic factors to explain trauma symptoms, such as a family’s sociocultural milieu and different communication styles of trauma survivors that shape children’s ability to manage stress.
Now that we’ve explained how trauma gets transferred through biological markers, let’s look at the four relationship dynamics that form the backdrop of people’s suffering. These dynamics can initiate or continue a cycle of suffering in our families, according to Wolynn. Three of these relationship dynamics involve our parents, who play the most important role in our ability to adapt, form healthy relationships, and thrive.
Wolynn acknowledges that there are no known factors that definitively predict how relationship dynamics affect us. Yet he notes that factors such as birth order and gender can influence our mental health outcomes.
Let’s look briefly at the dysfunctional relationship dynamics Wolynn specifies and how they can disrupt our ability to process and address trauma.
Relationship Dynamic #1: Unconsciously Taking Responsibility for and Repeating a Parent’s Negative Emotions or Trauma
Wolynn says it’s common for us to internalize a parent’s trauma and then project that trauma in our relationships. Here’s an example: If your mom suffers from severe social anxiety while you are growing up, she may isolate herself. In an effort to alleviate her loneliness, you step in as her friend and confidant. Now, as an adult, you are repeating that dynamic with your son while still serving as caretaker for your mother. You resent your mother and feel guilty about imposing on your son.
Factors That Influence Whether We Internalize Parents’ Negative Emotions
Wolynn briefly mentions that birth order and gender can influence our vulnerability to trauma symptoms, but he doesn’t elaborate. Let’s examine what the research says and explore whether particular parenting practices may contribute to our mental health outcomes.
According to research, last-born children have a lower risk of mental health problems than both middle-born and first-born children. One key reason is that last-born children are in the most advantageous position to benefit from the guidance of older siblings, which equips them to regulate their emotions better, cooperate with others, and become good problem solvers—all skills that reduce the likelihood that last-born children will manifest trauma symptoms.
How do parenting practices come into play? Perhaps surprisingly, studies indicate that there are only small links between parenting behaviors and their impact on children’s stress response. Two parenting behaviors that seem to incline children to internalize symptoms are delivering more punishment and offering less reassurance when children resist feared behaviors. Factors that do not significantly affect a child’s internalizing tendencies include force (when parents push a child to engage in a feared behavior), positive reinforcement (when parents reward a child for engaging in a feared behavior), and dependency reinforcement (when parents let a child avoid a feared situation).
Contrary to what Wolynn says, a child’s gender does not seem to influence whether they internalize a parent’s symptoms.
Relationship Dynamic #2: Renouncing a Parent
Wolynn asserts that cutting ourselves off from parents who have caused us pain can give us the illusion of freedom, but doing so often blinds us to the ways we embody the very qualities in them we reject. Here’s an example: You cut ties with your father because he had an affair that led to your parents’ divorce. Now the unresolved pain and anger you directed at your father are surfacing in your life in unexpected ways—and you find yourself exhibiting the same qualities you rejected in him. You refuse to consider marriage, you are aloof with your partner who you love deeply, and—to your horror—you find yourself tempted to cheat on him.
(Shortform note: Research supports Wolynn’s assertion that parent-child relationships profoundly shape our lives, and that renouncing a parent can negatively impact your well-being. One study, for example, indicates that the psychological distance between family members influences our mental health outcomes. When relationships among mother, father, and children are all equal and close—what researchers consider “balanced”—children are less prone to anxiety and depression.)
Relationship Dynamic #3: Enduring a Disrupted Bond With Our Mother
This disruption may involve your mother’s physical absence (due to work, illness, or travel, for example) or emotional unavailability (perhaps due to intense grief or mental illness). If this break happens while you are young, Wolynn asserts, it can have deep, lasting effects. You might unconsciously avoid getting close to anyone because that feels like a precursor to being hurt or abandoned again.
(Shortform note: As Wolynn notes, disrupted parent-child relationships are common. Research shows that 7% to 10% of people in the US have experienced parental rejection. Although what qualifies as parental affection and support varies across cultures, children respond to parental rejection in similar ways regardless of the cultural context—often through disobedience, bullying behaviors, and anxiety.)
Relationship Dynamic #4: Repeating the Patterns of a More Distant Relative
Wolynn says we may unconsciously take on behaviors and qualities of family members other than our parents. Here’s an example: You may unconsciously make choices that parallel a disgraced uncle who drank himself out of a high-paying job. You didn’t get fired, but you quit your job without a clear plan, and now you spend your days drinking alone.
(Shortform note: It’s unclear whether Wolynn believes that genetics play a role in this dynamic when it concerns a distant relative. While some studies indicate that trauma can change the expression of a person's genes and that those altered genes can be passed to the next generation, it’s not clear whether and how we might inherit the trauma of a relative who's not a direct ancestor.)
Wolynn contends that until we unearth and resolve these unhealthy relationship dynamics, we will continue to feel unsettled—and we will continue to unconsciously sabotage our freedom and happiness by projecting trauma from the past onto our current relationships.
(Shortform note: Wolynn is emphatic that people with broken or unhealthy family relationships experience some degree of unrest, even though some people may appear to be unscathed. Research on this is inconclusive. Some studies on children with divorced parents suggest those children are more likely to struggle to form long-term romantic relationships. However, others argue that children from broken families are more emotionally resilient due to the challenges they’ve encountered, which makes them more self-sufficient, loyal, and open-minded with their future partners.)
Now that you know the relationship dynamics and biological factors that underpin trauma, let’s examine Wolynn’s language-based approach to uncovering the source of your suffering.
Wolynn asserts that how we talk about the things that cause us emotional or physical pain can lead us to the source of our trauma. His therapeutic approach involves asking people a series of questions and listening closely to their answers. Words and phrases that seem particularly impassioned, peculiar, or misplaced serve as beacons indicating that some trauma lies hidden below their awareness. Sometimes investigating our direct life experiences can reveal the source of the trauma, but other times we must trace the source back to prior generations. Wolynn argues that his therapeutic approach can produce results where traditional talk therapy and medication cannot.
The Effectiveness of Talk Therapy and Medication in Resolving Trauma Symptoms
Wolynn says that his language-based therapy can resolve trauma symptoms where traditional talk therapy and medication often cannot. To support his claim, he provides many anecdotal accounts of patients who have successfully resolved deep traumas using his approach. However, he doesn’t provide any solid data to compare the effectiveness of his approach to other treatment strategies. What does research show about the effectiveness of talk therapy and medication? Do they indeed fall short in resolving trauma symptoms?
Most medical professionals agree that medication alone cannot heal trauma, but it can help alleviate symptoms such as insomnia, depression, and anxiety. Some research shows that talk therapy can significantly improve the mental health of patients with serious mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression. That research also shows that talk therapy can produce measurable changes in the brain that support people’s recovery and prevent relapse.
Further, research shows that some forms of talk therapy are more effective than others in treating trauma. The three approaches that seem most effective are prolonged exposure, cognitive processing therapy, and trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Each of these treatments directly addresses patients’ thoughts, feelings, and memories linked to their trauma. In CBT, for example, treatment techniques include having patients write about their traumatic experience, reading that narrative out loud, teaching them to distinguish “then versus now” when trauma symptoms surface, and reassessing beliefs about themselves and the world. In contrast, treatments that aim to reduce trauma symptoms through less direct means—such as relaxation exercises—are less effective.
However, others contend that talk therapy and medication are only moderately effective. They claim that the benefits of these treatments have been overstated, largely due to a “publication bias” in medical literature that favors hopeful findings.
In this section, we’ll first discuss Wolynn’s four-step therapeutic approach. Then we’ll look at the logic and research that backs up using language-based therapy to address trauma.
The first step in Wolynn’s therapeutic approach involves identifying the aspect of your life that causes you the most stress or discomfort. The problem could relate to any area of your life such as your health, work, or relationships.
What’s the one thing—that if you could move beyond it—would provide you the most freedom? This is your pain point. Maybe you suffer from panic attacks, an eating disorder, or an aching feeling of loneliness. Or maybe you feel like your friends take advantage of you, or your partner is never there when you need her, or your boss never recognizes your contributions.
(Shortform note: If you struggle to pinpoint one particular issue that causes you distress, you might be among those who are averse to “complaining.” Many factors influence whether and how often we acknowledge and verbalize our dissatisfaction and annoyance, such as age and our desire to present ourselves positively. But, complaining for the purpose of solving a problem can lead to more freedom. To put yourself more at ease around identifying your pain point, remind yourself that this is your access to creating real, positive change.)
Once you’ve identified your pain point, Wolynn says to look for words and phrases that stand out as peculiar, emotional, or misplaced in the way you describe that problem. These words likely point to something unresolved in your past or your family’s past.
For example, maybe you’re having relationship difficulties because every time your partner wants to hug you, you feel “suffocated” and “trapped” and every part of you feels “desperate to run.” These powerful words and phrases indicate some kind of trauma surrounding being trapped in relationships. You might dig into your family history to discover that your aunt was strangled to death by her boyfriend when she was your age. She tried to run to safety, but she couldn’t get out of the house in time. Now you are experiencing the terror your aunt endured even though you are in no danger, which is eroding the relationship you value most.
What Qualifies as Trauma?
Do everyday stresses and complaints qualify as “trauma”? Are we all traumatized, just to different degrees? Although Wolynn discusses the symptoms and sources of trauma, he doesn’t define trauma or put any boundaries around what it includes. Let’s examine others’ views on this topic.
According to the American Psychiatric Association, trauma is “actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence”—either experienced directly or as a witness. Some argue that this definition rightly circumscribes the definition of trauma to include only the most severe and devastating experiences. As a result, people are encouraged to distinguish truly catastrophic and life-altering events from those that are merely unpleasant, thereby reducing a “victim mentality” that leads people to feel helpless. This focused definition can also help people suffering from real trauma get the appropriate support and treatment.
Others, however, point out that such a restrictive definition overlooks the deep distress many people endure from non-life-threatening events, such as divorce or unfair accusations of abuse. Instead, they propose that we distinguish between “large T” and “small t” trauma.
“Large T” trauma would include life-threatening events such as kidnappings, acts of terrorism, and serious car collisions. “Small t” trauma would encompass unpleasant events that are not life-threatening but that nevertheless cause some degree of hopelessness and compromise our ability to cope with stress. Examples include infidelity, divorce, and financial strain.
Although a single “small t” trauma may not alter someone’s life, many “small t” traumas can accumulate to significantly interfere with someone’s emotional health. Those who support differentiating between “small t” and “large T” trauma say this distinction helpfully acknowledges the very real consequences that stem from stress and overwhelm.
Regardless of how trauma is defined, it’s important to note that not all catastrophic or unpleasant events affect people the same way. For example, one person may be deeply traumatized by a natural disaster whereas another may emerge from the same experience relatively unaffected. How a person responds depends on a number of factors, including their beliefs, expectations, past experiences, and the level of support in their lives.
Now that you’ve identified your pain point, the next step Wolynn outlines is to describe your parents—freely and without censoring yourself. To begin, first describe what your mother was like when you were small. Was she playful, affectionate, and supportive? Or depressed, manipulative, and angry? Then, describe your father.
Again, Wolynn says to look for potent, emotional language in your descriptions. Those words and phrases will shed light on feelings and grievances that have been tucked away in your unconscious mind.
Wolynn argues that you will not be able to achieve true peace or freedom until you mend relationships with your parents, as these are defining relationships that form the model upon which you build all other relationships in your life.
For example, if you experienced your father as depressed, angry, and unavailable, you might unconsciously choose a partner with those same tendencies. That allows you to commiserate with your mother by sharing in the frustration and emotional angst that she experiences in her marriage. In the process of mending your relationship with your father, you might discover that his father was physically abusive toward him, and your father suffered in silence until he could escape. That background knowledge, Wolynn says, might give you a broader context for understanding and accepting your dad, thereby supporting your healing.
We’ll cover more about how to mend broken relationships in the next section.
Even “Good” Parents Can Cause Pain
Wolynn discusses the pain and emotional damage abusive parents can cause their children, but he doesn’t address whether and how non-abusive parents might negatively influence their children. Let’s explore this briefly.
According to research, even “good” parents who provide support and love can inadvertently contribute to our difficulties in forming healthy relationships. Their protection and support may not prepare us for hurtful, challenging experiences in the real world. Then, when we encounter criticism or hardship, we don’t know how to respond. This can cause us to feel frustrated, confused, and angry, which we might resentfully direct toward our parents.
Also, our parents’ loving, seemingly “perfect” relationship may give us an impossible standard against which we measure ourselves and any relationships we pursue. This can cause us to avoid trying to establish a satisfying intimate relationship because we think we will inevitably fall short of our parents’ relationship model.
So, regardless of how well our parents raise us, they shape our views and behaviors in some fashion. Their influence commonly shows up, for example, in the way we feel about our bodies, how much we trust others, and the extent to which we strive to please others.
After describing your parents, the third step is to identify what you fear most. Wolynn says that isolating and stating your biggest fear provides the best clue to unraveling your suffering. This root fear, Wolynn asserts, stems from an unresolved trauma, potentially originating in your family’s past.
When you state your biggest fear, Wolynn says, don’t just settle for your initial response. Keep drilling down to find the absolute deepest concern. If you say, “My worst fear is that no matter how hard I work, I’ll never get ahead,” keep digging. So what? What’s the worst thing about that? “I won’t have enough money to live, and I’ll lose my house.” Then what? “I’ll be homeless and I’ll probably get sick.” Keep going. “I’ll die in pain, alone and forgotten.”
The words you land on should affect you on a deep emotional level.
How Much Does Fear Influence Our Lives?
Research backs up Wolynn’s assertion that fear plays a significant role in our overall wellness. When fear is intense and chronic, we can suffer a range of consequences, including mood swings, anxiety, eating disorders, immune system dysfunction, and dissociation from self.
However, while Wolynn sees fear primarily as an obstacle that must be identified and overcome for healing to take place, and although chronic fear can have severe negative consequences, not all fear is bad. We all experience some degree of fear, and that’s actually a good thing.
Fear is a natural physical reaction and can help keep us safe. If we are in danger, fear sparks a range of physiological changes—increased heart rate and breathing and more blood flow to our limbs, for example—which makes it easier for us to protect ourselves when we are in danger. Without fear, we would be very vulnerable to threats and may not survive long.
Aside from the critical function of keeping us alive, small doses of fear can benefit us in many ways. Some of those benefits include giving us a sense of empowerment when we conquer it, helping us lose weight, boosting our immune system, and helping us stay in the present moment.
Now that you’ve uncovered the specific struggles you face, how can you find the root of that trauma? The author suggests two methods.
The first option Wolynn suggests is to use questions that attempt to link your current angst to something that happened in the past. From the example above related to your biggest fear, you might ask, “Who in my family lost their house? Who ended up homeless? Did someone get severely ill without access to medical care? Who died alone away from their loved ones?”
You can use these exploratory questions on their own, or you can deepen your investigation by applying them in combination with the second option Wolynn suggests for uncovering the source of your trauma: building your family tree.
(Shortform note: You might consider tracking down relatives and clarifying your ancestry through one of the many genealogy services. These services use your DNA to sleuth out your family history through a large database of historical records. You can also go the simpler route of building your family tree in a neat chart. Whichever approach you take, building your family tree can be both educational and fun, and it can be a great way to preserve family stories.)
In building your family tree, jot down who endured notable trauma in the course of their lives and what that trauma involved. These traumas could include experiences such as being abandoned or rejected, enduring pain or illness, being impoverished, being a perpetrator or victim of crime, or being institutionalized.
Once you’ve built your family tree, look closely and explore who could have had feelings or experiences that reflect your own. You might notice patterns that carry over multiple generations. Perhaps your great-grandmother’s first child was killed in a bombing. Your grandmother’s sibling drowned at a young age. Your mother’s second child was stillborn. And you have an intense fear of having children because you’re certain they will die a horrible death.
Treating Trauma Through Psychedelic Therapies
Whereas Wolynn says that identifying the source of trauma is the first step toward healing, other therapeutic approaches address trauma differently—without a direct focus on digging into the past. Therapies using psychedelics, for example, have shown promise in resolving trauma. Let’s examine what research shows about the effectiveness of psychedelic therapies.
Despite the widespread vilification of psychedelics in the 1960s, scientists have continued to research these drugs and their effects on mental health issues. Particularly over the past two decades, there has been a renaissance of research into these therapies. We now know that psychedelics can alleviate deeply entrenched trauma symptoms and persistent depression—based not just on patients’ subjective reporting but also on observable changes to their brain functioning.
In one study, severely depressed people who took psilocybin, the active ingredient in magic mushrooms, reported significant improvement in their symptoms over the course of three weeks. Brains scans of these patients also showed heightened neural connectivity over large areas of their brains, indicating a shift toward the cognitive agility seen in the brains of healthy people.
In other research, the psychedelic MDMA, otherwise known as Ecstasy, has shown to be similarly effective in treating firmly rooted trauma symptoms. Additionally, ketamine has been used for the past 20 years to treat an array of physical and psychological disorders, including chronic pain, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Improvements often happen within 24 hours and last for weeks or months.
Now that you understand Wolynn’s four-step therapeutic approach, let’s look at research that underscores why language clues are effective in healing trauma.
Wolynn explains that traumatic experiences compromise our ability to recall and process memories, which keeps us captive to their effects. Here’s why this happens: Some trauma is too difficult for us to process, like an unexpected death in the family, a miscarriage, or being in a war zone. When the trauma hits, our bodies go into survival mode. This causes our minds to go blank—not just in the moment but also later when we try to describe what happened. We just can’t find our words.
Bessel van der Kolk, a Dutch psychiatrist and author of The Body Keeps the Score, has done extensive research showing that trauma blunts the parts of our brain that control speech and allow us to stay present in the moment. This diminishes our ability to accurately recall what happened.
(Shortform note: Van der Kolk is recognized as one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma. In The Body Keeps the Score, he discusses scientific advances that reveal ways trauma influences the body and brain—and the power of relationships to either facilitate or derail healing. Originally published in 2014, his book has become wildly popular, remaining on the New York Times best-seller list for over 168 weeks starting in 2017.)
But, Wolynn explains, traumatic memories don’t vanish. They get stored—in our bodies and our unconscious. Then, when anything even remotely similar to the trauma occurs, we often experience the same panic and distress as during the initial incident. This can influence our lives in unexpected ways. Maybe last year you were mugged while you were leaving work. Now you break out into a cold sweat near the end of every workday, you can’t bring yourself to go anywhere new unless someone goes with you, and you flinch when your partner reaches for you.
Once we can name the trauma and capture our experience and feelings in words, we can begin to loosen its grip. Until then, Wolynn says, healing will be elusive—focused only on managing symptoms rather than healing the pain at its source.
(Shortform note: Wolynn says that naming our trauma and talking about it is an important part of the healing process, but he also says talking alone is not going to cure our suffering. He says a “visceral” experience that surfaces the original pain—gently—is important for moving beyond trauma. Virtual reality exposure therapy is now being used to treat patients with trauma symptoms, including some kinds of phobia. This therapy allows people to confront situations that cause them anxiety and distress while in a safe environment. Over time, people become less sensitive to situations, thoughts, and emotions they previously avoided, which effectively increases their quality of life.)
How You Can Support People Suffering From Trauma Symptoms
As Wolynn discusses, people with trauma symptoms sometimes freeze up and lose their words—they are simply unable to articulate what they’re feeling or experiencing. This can lead to some difficult interactions with the people in their lives who desperately want to support them. Here are some things you can do to offer support in these situations, according to trauma experts:
Affirm their distress. This could be as simple as saying, “You went through something horrible. I can see how much you’re suffering.”
Just be there, saying nothing. Sometimes just being present, without talking, helps to soothe someone in extreme distress.
Acknowledge that you can’t fix their pain or fully understand it. You don’t need to have all the answers, and assuming you do can alienate the person you’re trying to support.
Let them know they don’t need to talk unless they want to. Pressuring someone to discuss their feelings can escalate their distress and cause them more distress.
Follow up regularly to make sure they know you’re thinking of them and are available for support if and when they need it.
Guide them to mental health resources if you think they need professional support beyond your capabilities.
Give them time to heal on their own terms. Never insinuate that they need to “get over it and move on.”
By this point, you know the four steps you must take to reveal the underlying source of your suffering and why language-based therapy is effective. Now let’s look at how you can heal these wounds to achieve a new level of freedom and joy, according to Wolynn.
No matter what traumas lie in your past, Wolynn affirms that you can break the pattern of suffering. Sometimes, simply making a link to traumas that happened in your family history can alleviate your most intense symptoms. But usually, a one-time breakthrough is not enough.
To achieve true, sustained healing, you must develop practices tailored to your unique circumstances that bring forward soothing emotions and physical sensations. The practices you choose, Wolynn says, should move you at a deep emotional level—powerful enough to eclipse the old, restrictive emotions and patterns that have been interfering with your freedom. Whichever rituals or practices you choose, you must repeat them regularly to cement your insights and healing.
In this section, we’ll look at some examples of healing practices Wolynn suggests you use, which we’ve separated into three categories: visualizations, mending broken relationships, and other action-oriented techniques. Then we’ll examine the scientific research validating the effectiveness of these healing images and practices.
Are There Benefits to Emotional Distress?
Wolynn understandably focuses on eliminating or reducing people’s emotional distress. But are there some benefits to emotional states we commonly think of as strictly negative? Let’s look at what others have to say about this.
Some people have highlighted the benefits of moderate sadness, such as causing people to be more accommodating, considerate, and vigilant. Others note that traumatic experiences can spark personal growth and lead to a greater appreciation for life. To realize these positive effects, follow these tips:
Explore how you can innovate and adapt to new circumstances. This might include expanding or reshaping how you think of yourself and the people around you. Maybe you’ve ignored your neighbors and colleagues up to this point, but now you could include them as important resources in your social network.
Focus on past successes and best-possible outcomes rather than dwelling on pain or loss. Exercise and breathing practices can help you regulate intense emotions.
Talk with someone about what happened and what you’re going through. This can help you come to terms with the impacts of what happened and achieve closure. Hearing from others about how they have managed similar situations can also help you feel less alone.
Build a narrative of the trauma that highlights how it has opened new, promising opportunities for you. For example, unexpectedly losing your house to a fire could free you to move to your dream city, which you’ve been wanting to do for years.
Here are some ways you can follow Wolynn’s recommendation to facilitate your healing through mental images:
(Shortform note: How can you possibly find the time for visualization practices when you have so many other things to do? Consider that taking time for healing practices can actually help you find time and be more effective. When you are more attuned to your thoughts, feelings, and actions, you can make better decisions about how you spend your time and energy. To carve out time in your schedule for your visualizations and other healing practices, find small holes in your schedule and block out those time slots. Even a few minutes can make a difference, so don’t worry if you can’t carve out hour-long chunks of time in your schedule. Start small and stay consistent.)
Wolynn recommends that you use insights about past grievances to mend broken relationships. You can do this even if your family members are deceased or if you don't know where they are. Here are some options to do this:
Wolynn clarifies that healing these relationships doesn’t mean excusing a parent’s behavior or even necessarily resuming any kind of ongoing connection with a parent. Rather, he says, healing requires dropping the anger-filled, accusatory stories we have about our parents. Releasing those stories isn’t about giving up or giving in for the benefit of our parents. It’s about freeing ourselves so we can move forward.
Conflicting Views on Reconciling With Parents
Whereas Wolynn is emphatic that we must heal broken relationships with our parents to achieve true healing and to live fully empowered lives, others disagree.
Some say that children of parents who inflicted trauma and abuse should not initiate efforts to repair those relationships—that any healing needs to start with those who caused the suffering. Their view is that children who take it upon themselves to repair these broken relationships put themselves in the position of being the parent, which is likely the unhealthy dynamic they were forced into when they were growing up. Consequently, reengaging with the parent now can expose them to further trauma and abuse.
Still others assert that forgiving abusive parents can do more harm than good, and cutting ties is the better option. From this viewpoint, forgiveness is a two-way street and requires a heartfelt acknowledgment by the abusive parent that they have done something horrible. If a parent isn’t willing or able to acknowledge their harmful behavior and its impact, the child will be exposed to even deeper trauma.
Wolynn offers many creative suggestions to nurture your healing process. Here are a couple of ideas to spark your imagination:
(Shortform note: Research shows that people who volunteer are happier, are more satisfied with their lives, and have overall better health. These results hold true regardless of people’s initial levels of happiness. In other words, whether people are happy or unhappy before they start volunteering, they get a happiness boost when they start volunteering. Why does this happen? Volunteering provides the intrinsic reward of helping others, the opportunity to develop new skills, and increased emotional support through social connections.)
Researchers have confirmed Wolynn’s claim that visualizations and positive experiences—real or imagined—can serve as potent healing tools. To understand why this is the case, we must look at how our bodies and brains change over time.
Our bodies and brains are not fixed but rather adapt to our environment and circumstances. When we repeat new, positive experiences—particularly when those experiences feel rewarding and significant—physiological changes start to take place. As Wolynn explains, our bodies release feel-good hormones and activate genes that improve our stress response. Also, our brains start to form new neural connections, which allows us to experience new, positive thoughts and emotions.
Brain scans confirm that simply imagining a conversation in which we forgive—or an experience that allows us to feel comfort and support—activates the same regions in our brain as if we’re actually living this experience. These findings further validate Wolynn’s healing advice.
(Shortform note: Whereas Wolynn focuses exclusively on moving beyond negative thoughts and emotions, others recommend first accepting—rather than resisting—negative thought patterns. By first acknowledging and including negative thoughts in our experience, we can truly move past them instead of simply trying to layer positive thoughts on top of the negative. One practice that supports this integration is to acknowledge your thoughts as fleeting mental events—influenced by myriad factors such as sleep, stress, hormones, and the weather—rather than a reflection of who you are. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown argues that expressing our vulnerability in this way—if managed well—can be a source of strength, courage, and confidence.)
So, Wolynn says, performing healing practices with intention and consistency—and allowing ourselves to be emotionally moved in the process—reprograms our bodies. We replace old, painful images, feelings, and memories with new, positive memories and emotions. Then, when old, unhealthy patterns start to surface, we’ll have a totally new internal reference point—one that will guide us to respond with love, care, and compassion. For example, instead of reacting in anger or shutting down when your mother criticizes you, you will receive her words with grace and true appreciation—knowing that she is loving you in the way she knows.
To sustain these physiological changes and integrate our healing, Wolynn explains, we must repeat our chosen rituals and visualizations regularly. Ultimately, this will allow us to align our actions with our goals and intentions, opening the door to new possibilities around our health, freedom, and success.
New Research Shows That Positive Environments Can Facilitate Healing
Visualizing positive experiences may help heal trauma, but having positive experiences in real life is arguably more powerful. Wolynn mentions research on mice showing that trauma symptoms can be reversed by positive, low-stress environments. If mice experience trauma early in life, such as being separated from their mothers, their trauma can be “corrected” by immersing them in a pleasant, nurturing environment later in life. Their healing is evidenced by changes in gene expression and neural activity as well as behavioral cues. But does the same thing happen with humans? New research shows promising results.
Since the publication of It Didn’t Start With You, new research shows that positive childhood environments could have similarly beneficial effects in humans who endure trauma. When children are given access to ample free play, affection, family time, and responsive relationships, they demonstrate an ability to respond to stressful situations in a more measured, healthy way without becoming overly agitated. These results indicate that positive childhood environments can reduce—and possibly reverse—the physiological imprint of trauma.
This encouraging research is helping service providers design trauma-informed practices for schools and workplaces that build people’s resilience and coping skills. These programs teach people how to manage emotions in a positive way and provide resources aimed at creating environments that are welcoming and sensitive to people who have gone through trauma.
Wolynn says that—contrary to popular perceptions—our suffering is not due to a defect of character or culture. To begin healing, we need to stop blaming ourselves and others for the pain and distress we experience.
Describe a current stressor in your life that you attribute—at least in part—to a personal shortcoming. Don’t go for the biggest, most intense stressor. For now, choose something that you’d consider a “minor” pain or annoyance. (For example, maybe you don’t exercise enough or get enough sleep, or maybe you can’t seem to keep your house clean or pick your kids up on time.)
When you think about that stressor, what disempowering thoughts do you have about yourself? (For example, “I’ll never be good enough,” “I’m a terrible parent,” “Something is wrong with me,” or “I’m defective/dumb/inept/ugly/weak/lazy.”) What disempowering thoughts come up related to other people? (For example, “They’re arrogant/clueless/stupid/selfish…”)
Looking back at those disempowering thoughts, write down two or three different and empowering ways to view yourself. Then do the same for others. (Really dig for generosity here. Remember: Wolynn says that your suffering didn’t start with you, which makes self-flagellation futile. True freedom starts with compassion.)
Now, what new insights and possibilities open up when you embrace empowering thoughts about yourself and others? How can you apply those insights the next time you face this particular stressor?