Men and women tend to get into conflict over their natural differences. But when you learn to think of men and women as coming from different planets, and therefore recognize the inherent differences between men and women, you will be more successful in relationships with the opposite sex.
Imagine that men come from Mars and women come from Venus. By understanding life on both planets, you will begin to understand why men think one way and women think another. Then you will learn to be more tolerant and forgiving of people of the opposite sex. You will discover creative solutions to miscommunication problems, understand the best way to show love and support, and learn how to get more fulfillment out of your relationships.
Martians and Venusians Come to Earth
One day on Mars, the Martians were looking out through their telescopes. All of a sudden, they noticed beautiful creatures on another planet. They had discovered the Venusians of Venus. Immediately, the Martians began to feel a kind of love they had never known. They quickly invented spaceships and traveled to Venus to take care of the marvelous creatures there.
All along, the Venusians had known that something great was on its way. They welcomed the Martians to their planet and gave their love generously to them. Although they were from different planets, the Martians and Venusians celebrated their differences and learned to live together harmoniously.
Eventually, the Martians and Venusians traveled to Earth. But the planet’s atmosphere had strange effects on them—they developed amnesia. All of a sudden, the Martians and Venusians forgot that they originally hailed from different planets. They could no longer understand and appreciate their innate differences.
Men and women have been in conflict ever since because understanding and appreciating one another’s differences is the key to healthy relationships.
Because men and women hail from different planets, they have a different code of values and different emotional needs. The primary values and emotional needs of men and women influence everything from the way we behave to the way we communicate.
A man is primarily concerned with autonomy, achievement, power, and efficiency. His sense of self is centered around his ability to solve problems and reach goals by himself. These values are reflected in everything that a Martian does and says.
Because a man is so focused on handling his own problems, he does not particularly like to talk about his problems or accept advice, unless he consults a trusted expert. So on Mars, it is understood that when a man talks to another man about his problems, he has already attempted to solve them alone—now he is asking for advice or solutions.
On the other hand, a woman is primarily concerned with relationships, love, connection, and aesthetics. Her sense of self is centered around her ability to nurture others, communicate her feelings, and build quality relationships. These values are reflected in everything that a Venusian says and does.
Because a woman is so focused on communication, she finds fulfillment in talking about her problems with others. So on Venus, it is intuitively understood that communication is a sign of caring and respect. The way women show love to other women is to offer support without having to be asked.
Many times, both a man and a woman in a relationship feel as though they give more love than they receive. But the truth is that they are both giving love, but not in their partner’s desired manner.
Awareness of how your partner’s love needs are different from yours will guide you in how to show your love and support in the way they most want to receive them.
There are 12 types of love. It is important to note that both men and women need all 12 types of love. But men and women each have six primary needs that must be fulfilled in order to truly feel loved and give love in return.
The most effective way for a woman to fulfill a man’s love needs is to empower him. Showing your man that you love him the way he is, and wouldn’t want to change him, makes him feel trusted, accepted, appreciated, admired, approved of, and encouraged.
The most effective way for a man to fulfill a woman’s love needs is to communicate with her. Listening to a woman, without trying to change or invalidate her feelings, is a way to shower her with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
You probably wouldn’t expect two different species from two different planets to speak the same language—so why would you expect men and women to communicate in the same way?
A man and a woman can hear the exact same words and glean two completely different meanings. These little misunderstandings often build into big arguments. The first step to avoiding unnecessary arguments is to understand the natural differences in the way you communicate:
Because men and women use their words differently, they often misunderstand each other and end up in arguments.
Example: How to Communicate
Tammy is frustrated and says “You never listen to me!” Her husband, George, responds earnestly, “I’m listening right now.”
Because George forgot that Tammy is from Venus and likely to hyperbolize, he took her statement literally. He wanted to comfort Tammy with his response, but instead he frustrated Tammy further. Tammy forgot that George is from Mars. She interpreted his response as an attempt to invalidate her feelings.
When you learn to translate your partner’s words and understand the intended meaning behind them, you’ll be able to avoid arguments by eliminating miscommunication.
One of the most drastic natural differences between men and women lies in their response to stress.
When a man is under stress, he rarely wants to talk about what’s bothering him. So he goes into his “cave,” his private mindset. Remember, men from Mars are primarily focused on autonomy and competence. Talking about his problems would make him feel like he’s not able to solve them himself. In the cave, a man’s primary focus is on discovering how to solve his own problems.
While in the cave, a man is usually distant, preoccupied, and forgetful. He is unable to be fully present in his relationship until he has found a solution and emerged from his cave.
As a man, it is important to know your own tendency to go into your cave. Be aware of how quickly you might shift from being warm and loving to being withdrawn and unresponsive. Try to be compassionate of your female partner if she feels neglected while you are in your cave.
Ideally, women should understand that going into the cave is a necessary step for a man to deal with stress. It is unfair to expect a man in the cave to be able to open up or talk about his feelings. Don’t take it personally—remember that he is from Mars. Trust his ability to cope with his own stress and come back to you in his own time.
When a woman is under stress, she needs to talk about everything that’s overwhelming her so that she can sort through her feelings. So she reaches out to those closest to her. Remember, women from Venus primarily focus on connection and expression. While stressed, a woman is usually emotionally involved, talkative, and sensitive.
As a woman, it is important to remember your tendency to talk about everything that is overwhelming and bothering you. Be aware of how your complaints might sound like blame to your male partner. Try to be appreciative of your male partner if he listens to you and your stress.
Sometimes when you talk about your problems with your male partner, he will feel attacked and assume that you are blaming him for everything that’s bothering you. Because he came from Mars, he might forget that you’re only talking to feel better. If you sense this happening, say these magic words: “It’s not your fault.”
Ideally, a man should understand that talking through problems is a necessary step for women to deal with stress. It is unfair to shut your partner down when she needs to vent. Don’t take her complaints as blame or criticism—remember she’s from Venus and she’s just talking to feel better.
Most arguments in relationships follow a similar pattern:
In order to avoid arguments and break this pattern:
Men unknowingly start arguments by invalidating a woman’s feelings. When your female partner expresses feelings of disappointment, frustration, or worry (especially about something you’ve done or said), resist the instinct to offer explanations of your intentions or justifications for your behavior. First, show that you are listening to her in order to fulfill her primary love needs of reassurance, caring, and understanding.
Women unknowingly start arguments by being indirect when expressing their negative feelings. Women commonly ask rhetorical questions when they are upset, such as “How could you do that?” Women also use their eyes and tone of voice to express that they’re upset. To a man, these indirect forms of communication feel like interrogation and disapproval. When your male partner makes a mistake, resist the urge to correct him. First, forgive his mistake in order to fulfill his primary love needs of trust, acceptance, and encouragement.
Example: How to Avoid Arguments
One day, Frank forgets to pick up groceries on the way home like he said he would. Laura is frustrated.
What not to do: Lisa sharply asks a rhetorical question, like “How could you possibly forget?” This is too indirect. Frank takes the question literally and answers “I was really busy. These things happen.” This is an explanation and too invalidating of Lisa’s feelings. Lisa feels like Frank thinks she has no reason to be upset, and she becomes angry that he would dismiss her feelings.
What to do instead: Instead of Lisa asking a rhetorical question, she could simply ask him, “Would you please go pick up groceries?” This is direct and avoids a disapproving tone. Frank, realizing that he forgot to get groceries could say, “I’m sorry that I forgot. Are you mad?” Giving Lisa a chance to talk about her feelings will make her feel validated.
In relationships, men and women perform gestures of love for each other in the hopes of earning points from their partner, or earning favor. But because men and women are from different planets, they award points based on an entirely different set of rules.
Once you understand how your partner awards points, you’ll be able to direct your energy towards the gestures of love that your partner will appreciate the most:
To a woman, every gift or gesture of love, no matter the size, is worth one point. The little things, like taking out the trash or bringing home flowers, are just as important to a woman as the big things, like a new car or a fun vacation. This is not just a woman’s preference—it’s a true emotional need. Every expression of love makes a woman feel cared for, validated, and respected.
Here are some examples of the kind of small gestures you can do every day to keep your female partner’s love needs fulfilled:
To a man, every time a woman shows appreciation or acceptance and makes him feel loved, he awards her a point. A man feels satisfaction when he elicits a loving response from his partner for the things that he’s done. Unlike a woman, his love needs aren’t fulfilled by the actions that his partner does for him. In fact, doing things for his partner is the first step to filling his own love needs. As long as she responds with warm appreciation, he will feel admired and encouraged.
Here are some of the ways that you can show appreciation and acceptance to earn points from your male partner:
Reading this guide and learning to appreciate your partner’s natural differences is a great first step in building a lasting relationship. But don’t forget, some phases of love will feel better than others. That doesn’t mean that your love is any less strong or less healthy than it once was. It just means that you need to work a little bit harder to nurture warmth and kindness with your partner.
Think of your relationship as a journey that you are going on with your partner. Be forgiving of any steps backward and appreciative of every step forward.
Refer back to this guide whenever you feel that you or your partner have forgotten the best ways to give and receive love. It’s natural to forget new things when you’re learning. So if you only remember one thing from this book for now, it should be this: You and your partner are supposed to be different. Love your partner for who they are and for all the ways they’re different from you.
Men and women tend to get into conflict over their natural differences. But when you learn to think of men and women as coming from different planets, and therefore recognize the inherent differences between men and women, you will be more successful in relationships with the opposite sex.
(Shortform note: Throughout this book, published in 1992, author John Gray uses the terms sex and gender somewhat interchangeably. He also makes some generalizations about men and women that might seem outdated today. Challenge yourself to look for insights about yourself and your romantic partner in the descriptions of both sexes.)
Imagine that men come from Mars and women come from Venus. By understanding life on both planets, you will begin to understand why men think one way and women think another. Then you will learn to be more tolerant and forgiving of people of the opposite sex. You will discover creative solutions to miscommunication problems, understand the best way to show love and support, and learn how to get more fulfillment out of your relationships.
Once you are aware that men and women are naturally different, you will be able to set more realistic expectations for yourself and your partner. Often (usually unknowingly), you expect people of the opposite sex to act, think, and feel the way you do. You expect your partner to love you the way that you love them, and to behave the way that you behave. This is a recipe for disappointment because you have already forgotten to appreciate the ways that your partner is naturally different from you.
Martians and Venusians Come to Earth
One day on Mars, the Martians were looking out through their telescopes. All of a sudden, they noticed beautiful creatures on another planet. They had discovered the Venusians of Venus. Immediately, the Martians began to feel a kind of love they had never known. They quickly invented spaceships and traveled to Venus to take care of the marvelous creatures there.
All along, the Venusians had known that something great was on its way. They welcomed the Martians to their planet and gave their love generously to them. Although they were from different planets, the Martians and Venusians celebrated their differences and learned to live together harmoniously.
Eventually, the Martians and Venusians traveled to Earth. But the planet’s atmosphere had strange effects on them—they developed amnesia. All of a sudden, the Martians and Venusians forgot that they originally hailed from different planets. They could no longer understand and appreciate their innate differences.
Men and women have been in conflict ever since because understanding and appreciating one another’s differences is the key to healthy relationships.
A Martian is primarily concerned with autonomy, achievement, power, and efficiency. His sense of self is centered around his ability to solve problems and reach goals by himself. These values are reflected in everything that a Martian does and says.
Because a Martian is so focused on handling his own problems, he does not particularly like to talk about his problems or accept advice, unless he consults a trusted expert. So on Mars, it is understood that when a man talks to another man about his problems, he has already attempted to solve them alone—now he is asking for advice or solutions.
A Martian presents himself in a way that signals power—by wearing a uniform or buying things like fast cars and high-tech computers.
On the other hand, a Venusian is primarily concerned with relationships, love, connection, and aesthetics. Her sense of self is centered around her ability to nurture others, communicate her feelings, and build quality relationships. These values are reflected in everything that a Venusian says and does.
Because a Venusian is so focused on communication, she finds fulfillment in talking about her problems with others. So on Venus, it is intuitively understood that communication is a sign of caring and respect. The way women show love to other women is to offer support without having to be asked.
A Venusian presents herself in a way that signals expression—by changing outfits to fit her mood or nurturing a beautiful garden.
(Shortform note: Some chapters in this summary have been organized in a new order to improve the clarity and flow from topic to topic.)
When you remember that men and women come from different planets, it makes sense that men and women naturally behave differently. By understanding how and why men and women behave the way they do, you’ll be able to achieve greater harmony in your relationships.
All humans need love, regardless of gender. But men and women naturally crave different kinds of love.
Many times, both a man and a woman in a relationship feel as though they give more love than they receive. But the truth is that they are both giving love, but not in their partner’s desired manner.
Awareness of your partner’s love needs will guide you in how to show your love and support in the way they most want to receive them.
There are 12 types of love.
It is important to note that both men and women need all 12 types of love. But men and women each have six primary needs that must be fulfilled in order to truly feel loved and give love in return.
Understanding your partner’s six primary love needs and how they relate to your own is a critical aspect of any relationship. Once you learn to give love the way your partner wants to receive it (details below), your relationship will blossom.
The most practical aspect of the six primary love needs of men and women is that they are reciprocal. Giving and receiving love the right way keeps both partners fulfilled. Here are some examples:
The most effective way for a woman to fulfill a man’s love needs is to empower him. Showing your man that you love him the way he is makes him feel trusted, accepted, appreciated, admired, approved of, and encouraged.
The most ineffective way to show love to a man is to try and change him. Because Martians are naturally focused on achievement, your male partner is extremely sensitive to feeling like a failure. Though you might think that you are showing support to your partner by helping him improve, it feels to him like you are saying “I want you to change because you aren’t good enough.”
Here are some ways to fulfill your male partner’s primary love needs of acceptance, trust, appreciation, approval, admiration, and encouragement:
When you empower a man, without suggesting any changes, you fulfill his primary love needs.
The most effective way for a man to fulfill a woman’s love needs is to communicate with her. Listening is a way to shower a woman with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
The most ineffective way to show love to a woman is to invalidate her feelings when she tries to communicate. Because Venusians are naturally focused on connection, your female partner is extremely sensitive to feeling invalidated or unheard. Though you might think you are showing support to your partner by helping her brush off her negative feelings, it feels to her like you are saying “I don’t care about what you are feeling because I don’t care about you.”
Here are some ways to avoid invalidating your female partner’s feelings while listening to her:
When you listen to and communicate with a woman, without jumping to anger, you fulfill her primary love needs.
One of the most drastic natural differences between men and women lies in their response to stress.
When a man is under stress, he rarely wants to talk about what’s bothering him. So he goes into his “cave,” his private mindset. Remember, men from Mars are primarily focused on autonomy and competence. Talking about his problems would make him feel like he’s not able to solve them himself. In the cave, a man’s primary focus is on discovering how to solve his own problems.
While in the cave, a man is usually distant, preoccupied, and forgetful. He is unable to be fully present in his relationship until he has found a solution and emerged from his cave.
As a man, it is important to know your own tendency to go into your cave. Be aware of how quickly you might shift from being warm and loving to being withdrawn and unresponsive. Try to be compassionate of your female partner if she feels neglected while you are in your cave.
There are many reasons a man might feel the need to withdraw into his cave:
Ideally, women should understand that going into the cave is a necessary step for a man to deal with stress. It is unfair to expect a man in the cave to be able to open up or talk about his feelings. Don’t take it personally—remember that he is from Mars.
Here are the six ways to support your partner through his withdrawn period:
Remember, your male partner isn’t choosing to pull away from you. His need for the cave is a natural part of his Martian background. Accept his method of coping and trust him to come back to you.
When a woman is under stress, she needs to talk about everything that’s overwhelming her so that she can sort through her feelings. So she reaches out to those closest to her. Remember, women from Venus primarily focus on connection and expression. While stressed, a woman’s primary concern is to talk to someone she loves about every single past, present, and future problem she can think of and get it off her chest. While stressed, a woman is usually emotionally involved, talkative, and sensitive.
As a woman, it is important to remember your tendency to talk about everything that is overwhelming and bothering you. Be aware of how your complaints might sound like blame to your male partner. Try to be appreciative of your male partner if he listens to you and your stress.
There are many reasons a woman might feel the need to discuss her stressors. Sometimes the exact reason a woman needs to talk is the same reason a man falls silent:
Ideally, a man should understand that talking through problems is a necessary step for women to deal with stress. It is unfair to shut your partner down when she needs to vent. Don’t take her complaints as blame or criticism—remember she’s from Venus and she’s just talking to feel better.
Unfortunately, many men don’t understand that women from Venus respond to stress differently than they do. These men tend to assume that women only want to talk about their problems to assign blame or get a solution (because those are the only two reasons why a man would choose to talk about his own problems). Often, these men forget about women’s innate differences and therefore find it difficult to listen to their partners because they feel attacked.
One thing a woman can do to help her male partner understand that she’s just venting, not blaming, is to show appreciation. When your male partner listens to you talk about your stress, take a moment to say something like “I’m so relieved that I can talk about all of this with you” or “I feel a lot better. Thank you for listening.” You could also remind your partner of the things he has done to make your life better. For example, if you are complaining about the house looking messy, you could take the time to thank him for doing the dishes.
Sometimes when you talk about your problems with your male partner, he will feel attacked and assume that you are blaming him for everything that’s bothering you. Because he came from Mars, he might forget that you’re only talking to feel better. If you sense this happening, say these magic words: “It’s not your fault.” (This only works if you truly believe that your problem is not your partner’s fault. If there is ever a time that you do feel like blaming your partner, refer to the chapter “Handle Conflicts Lovingly” to learn how to cope.)
One thing a man can do to help clarify whether or not his female partner means to sound blaming is to communicate and ask questions. When your female partner comes home complaining about never having fun together anymore, don’t immediately assume that she’s blaming you for being boring. Instead, ask “It feels like you’re saying it’s all my fault that you’re bored. Is that how you feel?” That way, you give her the opportunity to take back any blame.
Men and women naturally respond to stress differently: Men withdraw and women reach out. In order to get the emotional support you need from your partner during stressful times, you might have to help your partner understand why you’re behaving differently than they would.
Think back to a time that you were extremely stressed. How did you feel and how did you naturally respond? Did you need to withdraw or did you crave connection and communication?
How did your partner respond to you during this stressful time? How satisfied were you with the amount of emotional support you received?
Now that you understand the ways that men and women naturally respond to stress, how will you communicate your needs to your partner the next time you’re feeling stressed? What are some things you could say that would allow you to deal with stress your way and also keep your partner’s primary love needs satisfied?
Men and women have different rhythms and intimacy cycles when they’re in love.
When a man is in love, he goes through a natural cycle of intimacy that is a lot like a rubber band. First, the man is very close and intimate. Then he begins to pull away. Once he has stretched to his maximum distance, like a rubber band, he snaps back into the relationship with the same level of intimacy he felt before he stretched.
The rubber band cycle comes naturally to a man in love—he might not even realize that he tends to pull away every time the relationship becomes more intimate. As a woman, it is important to be aware of this cycle, understand why it’s important for men, and know how to react to your partner’s fluctuations of intimacy.
When a man is in love, he feels the need for intimacy. However, because he is from Mars, he also feels the need for autonomy. The rubber band cycle gives the man a chance to fulfill both needs.
Reasons a man needs to stretch away:
Throughout the cycle of stretching away and springing back, a man continues to love and care about his partner. He doesn’t choose to pull away, it’s instinct.
Many men don’t even realize that their natural intimacy cycles have a profound impact on their female partners. As a man, do your best to reassure your partner before you stretch away. You can say something like “I need to be alone, but let’s talk about this again once I’ve thought it over.” If nothing else, say the magic words: “I will come back.”
Unfortunately, men often pull away (without reassuring their partner) at the precise time a woman wants to create intimacy. There are two primary reasons for that:
When a man is pulling away, it is important to allow him to do so. Wait to talk and create intimacy until he has snapped back into the relationship.
(Shortform note: If you’re unsure how to tell when a man is pulling away, be sure to read the chapter “Improve Communication in Your Relationship”—specifically the section “Translate Martian to Venusian.”)
Some of the biggest problems that couples experience in relationships come from obstructing the natural cycle of male intimacy. This happens in three ways:
In all of these cases, the man never has the opportunity to stretch back and gain his autonomy. He will become moody, irritable, uninterested, and defensive. So it’s no wonder that this often results in conflict.
When your male partner begins to pull away, or stretch, do your best not to chase or punish him. Remember that this is his natural cycle.
Chasing your partner when he needs to stretch back and be alone only delays the process of him feeling independent and being ready to come back into the relationship. Some ways you might be unknowingly chasing your partner:
Punishing your partner after he stretches away will make him fearful the next time he feels a need for distance. This results in an obstructed intimacy cycle. Some ways you might be unknowingly punishing your partner:
Giving up on chasing or punishing your partner will benefit both of you:
When your male partner snaps back into intimacy like a rubber band, he will be loving, caring, and unphased by the period of distance that he just went through. This is the time to talk and regain intimacy with your male partner. Try to initiate a conversation, but don’t expect him to start talking right away.
As a woman, you will need to be the first to share your feelings. As you do so, be sure to show appreciation when your partner listens to you. This will make him feel loved, and he will be much more likely to open up and share his thoughts on what you’ve said.
Don’t pressure your partner into sharing before he’s ready. Instead, be appreciative that he has snapped back into intimacy and accepting that he’s not yet ready to share. Encourage your partner by expressing that his listening is valuable to you. (Shortform note: this goes back to the primary love needs of men from the last chapter.)
Another thing you can do to inspire your man to snap back into intimacy is to become more independent yourself. When your partner pulls away, spend time doing the things that you love to do, like hanging out with friends or going to a play. Remember, the farther away you allow your partner to stretch, the more powerfully he will come springing back to you.
When a woman is in love, she goes through a natural cycle of intimacy that is a lot like a wave. First she feels great and has so much love to give to her partner. Then she begins to fall into a deep well of feelings, like hopelessness and loneliness. Once she has hit rock bottom, like a wave, she will rise and give love again. The wave cycle comes naturally to a woman. She may not even realize when she is down that she is much more reactive, vulnerable, and in need of love.
As a man, it is important to be aware of this cycle, understand what a woman needs when she is low, and learn how to respond to your partner’s fluctuations in intimacy.
(Shortform note: The cycle of the rubber band and the cycle of the wave are very similar, in that both describe feelings oscillating on a scale. The key difference is that when a man stretches away from his partner, he needs space and independence in order to return to intimacy. When a woman is low, she needs more connection and closeness to return to intimacy.)
When a woman is in love, she feels happiness, trust, gratitude, and fulfillment. But because she is from Venus, she needs to value and express all her feelings equally. So she is also deeply connected to her pre-existing feelings of fear, sadness, and insecurity. When a woman crashes or goes down into her well, it is a time to express and heal those negative feelings.
(Shortform note: For more information about how to heal pre-existing negative feelings, refer to the chapter “How to Communicate in Times of Conflict,” specifically the “Where Your Negative Emotions Originate” section.)
A woman’s wave is directly related to her own self-esteem. When a woman feels good about herself, she is able to give love. But when a woman doubts herself, she begins to crash. When a woman is at the low point of her wave, she needs support more than ever.
Signs that a woman is crashing down:
Throughout the cycle of giving love and needing love, a woman continues to love and trust her partner. She doesn’t mean to become vulnerable or insecure in the relationship—it is a natural instinct. Many women don’t even realize that their natural intimacy cycles have a profound impact on their male partners.
When a woman crashes, it is important to support her and allow her to feel her negative feelings. Once she hits rock bottom, she will be ready to rise, give love, and feel good about herself again.
If you do not support your partner through her crashes, she might become hesitant to follow her natural cycle. Without having the opportunity to go down and relieve her negative feelings, a woman may become repressed, numb, and uninspired. Repressed negative emotions often lead to repressed positive emotions, as well, including love. She might withhold sex and affection or develop addictions like drinking, overworking, or overeating.
Here are three insights that might give you a sense of relief when dealing with a woman going down into her well:
When your female partner experiences a sudden change of mood and begins to go down into her well of emotions, don’t become defensive or assume that you are to blame. Remember that it is her natural cycle because she is from Venus.
Here are some of the most important things to remember when helping your female partner through her crash:
As soon as a woman rises out of the well, she is back to her normal, loving, giving self. But this does not mean that those negative feelings and pre-existing emotions have been fully resolved. The next time she crashes, many of those feelings will surface again. Often, this causes recurring arguments.
Now that you understand your woman’s natural intimacy cycle, don’t allow those recurring emotions and arguments to come between you. Never say things like, “How many times are we going to talk about this?” or “I don’t want to talk about this again.” Instead, listen.
Example: Recurring Emotions
When Chris and Pam got married, they didn’t have much money. Sometimes Pam would go through low periods and complain of being dissatisfied. Chris could easily understand her unhappiness. He resolved to work harder to bring home more money, and Pam felt cared for.
A few years later, Chris and Pam were wealthy. But Pam would sometimes still have low spells. Chris couldn’t understand Pam’s pain anymore. He felt that he had fixed all of her problems. Because Chris couldn’t understand her, Pam couldn’t feel truly loved. The more money Chris and Pam made, the less happy Pam became.
What happened to Chris and Pam? At the start of their marriage, Chris could relate to the negative emotions that surfaced when Pam’s wave crashed. He felt that he could work hard and solve all her problems by making more money.
Later in the relationship, Chris could no longer understand why Pam was going in waves. He thought that money had solved her problems. He forgot that she was from Venus—regardless of her new wealth, Pam just needed support in order to rise back up from her well.
Once Chris realized that he could make Pam happy by simply validating her feelings, just like he had when they were poor, Chris and Pam experienced renewed love and happiness.
Sometimes, when a woman is crashing to the lowest point of her wave and needs to talk, a man is also stretching back his rubber band and can’t listen. Without an understanding of the natural intimacy cycles of men and women, this could cause conflict in a relationship. But once you know the natural differences between men and women, you can learn to work through these difficult periods together.
How a man can help a woman through her low point while he is pulling back:
How a woman can go through her low point and allow her man to stretch away:
Ultimately, a woman should be allowed to ask for love and reassurance when she needs it and a man should be allowed to have time to himself when he needs it. Remember, a healthy relationship results from two people who commit to fulfilling each other’s primary love needs.
Almost all relationship problems stem from communication errors. In order to communicate successfully, you have to be respectful of the innate differences between you and your partner. In other words, you have to remember that your partner is from a different planet.
Good communication requires both partners to make small changes that reflect the way their partner would most like to be loved.
You probably wouldn’t expect two different species from two different planets to speak the same language—so why would you expect men and women to communicate in the same way?
A man and a woman can hear the exact same words and glean two completely different meanings. These little misunderstandings often build into big arguments. The first step to avoiding unnecessary arguments is to understand the natural differences in the way you communicate:
Because men and women use their words differently, they often misunderstand each other and end up in arguments.
For example:
Tammy is frustrated and says “You never listen to me!” Her husband, George, responds earnestly, “I’m listening right now.” This upsets Tammy, and she storms out.
Because George forgot that Tammy is from Venus and likely to hyperbolize, he took her statement literally. He wanted to comfort Tammy with his response, but Tammy only became more frustrated. Tammy forgot that George is from Mars. She interpreted his response as an attempt to invalidate her feelings.
When you learn to translate your partner’s words and understand the intended meaning behind them, you’ll be able to avoid arguments by eliminating miscommunication.
Most of the time when women generalize to communicate their feelings, they are also hinting to their partner that they need a particular kind of support. Men who learn to translate from Venusian to Martian will know how to respond to the implied request and make their female partner feel truly loved.
Here are some examples of common phrases used by women, what women actually mean by them, and how men often misinterpret their meaning:
Can you see why men are often turned off by the things women say? Can you see why women often feel unheard?
It is a challenge for most men to correctly interpret a woman’s dramatic language, recognize the implied request, and show support in the right way. Sometimes a man will suddenly stop communicating all together until he can figure out the right response, which is another example of a man going into his cave to find a solution to stress.
Because men use speech as a way to convey only the necessary information, they tend to use abbreviated sentences. Women who learn to translate from Martian to Venusian will know what men really mean to say in these few words and how to make their male partner feel truly loved.
Here are some examples of common phrases used by men, what men actually mean by them, and how women often misinterpret their meaning:
Can you see why women often feel like their male partners don’t care? Can you see why men are often frustrated by their female partners asking them too many questions?
It is difficult for most women to correctly interpret a man’s abbreviated sentences and recognize his need to process his thoughts alone. But once you have learned to translate Martian to Venusian, you’ll know that these phrases are warnings that your partner needs your support while he withdraws into himself to process his thoughts.
The most common complaint among women in relationships is that men don’t listen. Sometimes a man will completely ignore a woman when she speaks. Sometimes he checks out after listening for a short time. In either case, a man’s intention is usually to stop listening and start trying to find a solution that will make the woman feel better. He wants to be Mr. Fix-It.
The most common complaint among men in relationships is that women try to change men’s behavior. Sometimes, a woman will try to help a man by improving the way he does something. Often, she offers these suggestions without being asked. The woman’s intention is to help the man grow. She wants to be his personal Home Improvement Committee.
Unfortunately, because of the natural differences between men and women, Mr. Fix-It and the Home Improvement Committee often lead to conflict in relationships. The best way to avoid these conflicts is for men to learn to listen, and for women to learn to keep their advice to themselves until a better time.
Let’s look at why and how Mr. Fix-It causes conflict in relationships:
Men often forget that women don’t talk about their problems in an effort to solve them. Women talk through their problems to relieve stress. So when a woman wants to share her feelings, her male partner should be very careful not to interrupt, offer solutions, or invalidate her feelings.
Men should avoid phrases like these, which invalidate feelings or offer unsolicited solutions:
Instead, a man must learn to listen with empathy until his partner has found relief. Remember that life on Venus was all about connection. Love and support your woman by trying to understand her feelings and offering her a hug.
Example: Mr. Fix-It Learns to Listen
One day, Mary comes home from a long day at work and starts to complain about being so tired and busy. She even forgets to call and wish her aunt a happy birthday. Mary’s husband, Tom, listens and responds to each of her complaints. He says things like, “Just quit your job,” “Don’t worry so much,” and “She’ll understand.”
Mary complains that Tom isn’t listening to her. She is more upset than she was when she arrived home. Tom is baffled. He thinks that he showed support by offering solutions to her problems.
So what went wrong in this scenario? Tom forgot that Mary is from Venus—she needed to express her feelings and have them heard.
Next time, Tom will simply listen to Mary vent for as long as she needs, and respond with something like “That sounds terrible. Come here and let me hug you.”
Let’s look at why and how the Home Improvement Committee can cause conflict in relationships:
Women often forget that men are solution-oriented. If something isn’t broken, they don’t feel the need to improve it. So when a man talks about his problems, his female partner should be very careful not to offer advice or criticism unless he specifically asks for her opinion. The man will think she is trying to fix him, and (to a man) that insinuates that he must be broken. This is insulting to a man and feels like an attempt to control or change him.
Women should avoid phrases like these, which offer unwanted criticism and come across as controlling or insulting:
Instead, a woman must learn to give up the urge to offer unsolicited advice. Remember that life on Mars was all about autonomy. Love and support your man by trusting him to solve these problems on his own, or wait for him to come to you for your opinion.
Example: The Home Improvement Committee Stops Giving Advice
Tom and Mary are on the way to a party. After about 20 minutes, Mary realizes that Tom is lost. She suggests calling to get directions. She suggests trying a different turn.
Tom becomes silent for the rest of the night. He feels offended that Mary didn’t trust him to get them to the party. Mary is confused. All she wanted to do was help.
So what went wrong in this scenario? Mary forgot that Tom is from Mars—he needed to prove that he could solve the problem on his own.
Next time, Mary will take a deep breath, appreciate Tom for doing his best, and wait to see if he asks for help.
(Shortform note: This section is specifically speaking to women who want to give advice to their male partner. However, men can also apply these principles for offering constructive criticism.)
Now that you know how important it is to stop giving your partner unsolicited advice or constructive criticism, you might be wondering how to get your partner to change his behaviors that bother you.
Let’s say that you aren’t a fan of the way your partner dresses. How can you communicate that to him without coming across as trying to change him?
Remember, the first step is to fulfill his love needs. Empower your partner by showing him acceptance. You might find that once he is secure enough in the relationship, he will begin to ask for your opinions and suggestions when he’s getting dressed.
However, if you have tried patience and acceptance and your partner still hasn’t asked for your advice, you might have to try approaching him with criticism. Follow these steps to avoid conflict:
In each of these instances, you should be alone with your partner. Always wait to give your partner criticism until there is no one around for him to be embarrassed in front of.
In a relationship, successful communication requires active participation from both partners. Both the man and the woman in the relationship have to practice translating the language of the opposite sex and communicating in a way that their partner can understand. Little changes have the power to make a big difference. Let’s look at two examples:
One day, Bonnie comes home and sees her husband John working on his computer. When John asks about her day, Bonnie says “It was so busy. We don’t have any time to spend together lately.”
Before learning how to translate Venusian, John might have become defensive in response to this statement. But this time, John remembers to give Bonnie understanding and care. He says “We have been really busy. Come here, give me a hug.” Bonnie is so relieved. She tells John that the hug has made her feel so much better. Because he feels appreciated, he feels better, too.
John goes on a business trip overseas. At the airport, he realizes that he left his passport at home. He calls Bonnie to ask her for help.
Before Bonnie learned how Martians react to unsolicited advice, Bonnie might have given John a lecture about being prepared and keeping track of important things. But this time, Bonnie remembers to give John trust and acceptance. She says “You always keep things interesting. How can I help?” John is so grateful for Bonnie’s support that he feels renewed love for her.
Almost all relationship problems stem from communication errors. In order to communicate successfully with the opposite sex, you have to remember that men talk to communicate information, while women talk to communicate feelings.
Think back to an argument you’ve had with your romantic partner in the past. What were some of the reasons you thought you were arguing?
Now that you’ve learned to translate the language of the opposite sex, can you see that the argument might have come from a miscommunication? How might you have misinterpreted your partner? How might your partner have misinterpreted you?
Next time you start to recognize a discussion turning into an argument, what will you remind yourself about the way your partner communicates? How will you use what you’ve learned about translating the language of the opposite sex to understand your partner better?
In relationships, men and women perform gestures of love for each other in the hopes of earning points from their partner, or earning favor. But because men and women are from different planets, they award points based on an entirely different set of rules.
Once you understand how your partner awards points, you’ll be able to direct your energy towards the gestures of love that your partner will appreciate the most:
To a woman, every gift or gesture of love, no matter the size, is worth one point. The little things, like taking out the trash or bringing home flowers, are just as important to a woman as the big things, like a new car or a fun vacation. This is not just a woman’s preference—it’s a true emotional need. Every expression of love makes a woman feel cared for, validated, and respected.
Here are some examples of the kind of small gestures you can do every day to keep your female partner’s love needs fulfilled:
These might seem like small gestures, but each one will count as a point to your partner.
Unfortunately, a woman’s way of keeping score is directly opposed to how men expect to be scored. Men typically think that a small gesture will be worth a few points and a big gift will be worth a lot of points. As a result, men tend to overlook the small things they could be doing for their partner and focus their energies on one big thing.
Many men have a tendency to overwork as a way to earn love. Often, they strive for more and more success because they think it will earn them the admiration they crave from their partner. By appreciating the little things in life, women have the special ability to show men that they are worthy of love no matter their level of success.
Example: How to Score Points With a Woman
Chuck and Pam enrolled in marriage counseling after years of building resentment in their marriage. Pam’s main complaint was that Chuck was working too much and neglecting her. Chuck couldn’t understand. He felt that because his work paid for their house and their lifestyle, Pam should be happy. But Pam didn’t care about the money. She wanted to feel that Chuck was putting an even amount of work into their love that she was.
In Chuck’s mind, his paycheck was a big gift that he brought home each month. He thought that would be worth a lot of points to Pam. When he got a raise, he assumed he was scoring even more points each month. Chuck forgot that Pam was from a different planet and kept score differently.
In Pam’s mind, every paycheck was worth one point. When Chuck got his raise and had to work even more hours, Pam had to pick up even more responsibility around the house. She felt the score was uneven, and resentment began to build.
After going through counseling, Chuck finally understood how Pam kept score. He learned to focus on all the little things he could do to make Pam happy. Once Pam felt his devotion, she became more appreciative and loving towards Chuck. Their love blossomed once again.
Just like it’s important for men to know how women keep score, it’s important for women to know how men want to receive a point. A smile and a genuine “thank you” will show your male partner that he scored a point with you and that you appreciate the little things. He will be encouraged to continue making small gestures of love when he sees that they really make a difference.
As a woman, be accepting when your man forgets the little things and puts all his energy toward one big thing. Don’t become resentful or assume that he doesn’t care anymore. Remember that he’s from Mars and his instincts are different than yours. Remind him of the importance of the little things by asking kindly for his support and appreciating each time he follows through in a small way.
To a man, every time a woman shows appreciation or acceptance and makes him feel loved, he awards her a point. A man feels satisfaction when he elicits a loving response from his partner for the things that he’s done. Unlike a woman, his love needs aren’t fulfilled by the actions that his partner does for him. In fact, doing things for his partner is the first step to filling his own love needs. As long as she responds with warm appreciation, he will feel admired and encouraged.
Here are some of the ways that you can show appreciation and acceptance to earn points from your male partner:
These might seem like small gestures, but each one will count as multiple points to your partner. The number of points a man awards is dependent on how vulnerable he is at the time. When a man has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, a woman’s support is worth more points than normal because he needed love more in that moment. If she does not show the support he craves, he will award penalty points (discussed more in the next section).
Unfortunately, many women don’t realize how differently men keep score. Women typically think that if they do more of the little things for a man, they will earn more points (because this is how they’re used to keeping score). As a result, women tend to do more and more until they start to feel resentful. This creates a vicious cycle in relationships:
When one or both partners in a relationship feels the score is uneven, conflicts arise and resentment builds. Generally, the score becomes uneven for one of two reasons:
There are four reasons why men tend to give less in relationships.
When a man has done something that he thinks earns him 50 points (like going to work and paying the bills), he sits back and allows his female partner to earn her 50 points and keep the score even.
The problem: This man doesn’t realize that his partner only gave him one point for going to work. Now, if he expects his partner to earn 50 points, she will feel the score is uneven.
The solution for men: Remember how women score points, and do your best to keep your partner satisfied with lots of little expressions of love.
The solution for women: Remember that men do not automatically value the little things. Do not wait until you feel the score is uneven to ask for support.
A woman will give as much as she can to her partner, as a way to show her love. She doesn’t even notice that she has received less until she is completely tired out from giving.
The problem: Because a man values fairness, he doesn’t realize that a woman could be giving even though she has a higher score than he does. He assumes that if she is happily giving, then he must have more points.
The solution for men: Remember that women don’t keep score until they’re spent. Just because your woman seems happy to give to you, doesn’t mean you have more points than she does.
The solution for women: Remember that when you give to your partner, he will assume the score is even. Don’t be afraid to gracefully stop doing more until your partner has resumed doing the little things.
Because a man values autonomy, he won’t ask for help unless he really needs it. He thinks his partner wants the same—he assumes that he should not offer help until his partner asks him to.
The problem: A woman instinctively gives as a way to show her love. So when her partner doesn’t offer to help her, she assumes it’s because he doesn’t love her. She might test him to see how long it will take for him to offer his help. But he’s waiting for her to ask.
The solution for men: Remember that your partner wants you to offer your help without being prompted. Practice offering support in little ways, even if it goes against your instincts.
The solution for women: Remember that your partner might not know how to help you if you don’t ask. Practice asking for what you need before the score is too uneven.
When a man feels unloved, he gives his partner penalty points or subtracts from her score. (For example, if a man makes a mistake and his partner lectures him instead of being accepting, the man might subtract 20 points from her score.) Then he might feel as though he has more points than she does. But because she is from Venus, she doesn’t know about penalty points and doesn’t realize that he feels the score is uneven. This is a lot like when women become resentful about giving too much.
The problem: Penalty points are unfair and toxic in relationships. When a man subtracts all the support his partner has given, he becomes unmotivated and ungenerous. This lack of motivation will make a man passive, and his partner will feel unloved and undervalued.
The solution for men: Remember that penalty points are destructive. When you feel unloved, try to recognize everything your partner has done for you. Don’t punish her. Instead, let her know that you’re hurt and give her the chance to apologize.
The solution for women: Remember that penalty points are unfair, and don’t be afraid to let your partner know that they hurt you. Also, remember that penalty points are the result of your partner feeling unloved. Think about his primary love needs (discussed in the chapter “How Men and Women Receive Love”) and find a way to make him feel appreciated. Apologize when you know you’ve hurt your partner.
Remember that a man awards points based on how much he needed love at the time and how much love he received. Similarly, he will deduct a larger number of penalty points based on how much love he needed that he did not receive.
When a man makes a mistake and his partner becomes upset, a man will often get defensive. Instead of apologizing for his mistake, he will become angry at his partner for being upset with him and subtract points from her.
A man in this negative state is like a tornado. As a woman, you should just lie low and let it pass. Remember, your man will give back the points he took away as soon as he feels loved again.
The key to a successful relationship is for both partners to feel equally fulfilled and loved—it should be a win/win relationship. Both partners should be equally motivated to give love to and receive love from one another.
If you feel unloved in your relationship, you might need to motivate your partner to show you the kind of love you need. The first step is to understand how men and women are motivated differently in love:
If your partner is feeling unfulfilled in your relationship, you might need to motivate yourself to show love to your partner in a different way:
On Mars, men operated with a win/lose philosophy. Every man looked after himself and his own needs. Life on Mars was like a game of tennis—each man not only wanted to win, he wanted to actively make his competitor lose.
Once men discovered women, however, their view changed. Women instinctively sent out a signal of need to these men: “We need your power and strength. Come to Venus and satisfy everything we are missing.” The men were motivated to overcome their fear of dependence. All of a sudden, their capacity to sacrifice and serve the needs of someone else was awakened. Once in love, men were suddenly motivated to serve others to the best of their ability. They experienced their partner’s happiness as their own. Men started to develop a win/win philosophy. They learned how to give.
Unfortunately, because the signal of need is a subconscious instinct for a woman at the start of a relationship, many women neglect to keep sending that signal of need. Not being needed is torture for a man in love. When a man stops feeling that he is needed, he becomes passive, uninterested, and ungiving. He goes back to his win/lose way of thinking and chooses to satisfy his own needs at the expense of his partner’s.
A man’s deepest fear is the idea that he is incompetent or inadequate. That is why men put so much emphasis on proving their power, autonomy, and achievement. Subconsciously, men fear reaching out and giving in a relationship because it leaves them vulnerable to failing the woman they love.
That is why men developed a win/lose philosophy—they thought that by not caring about the needs of others, they wouldn’t be at risk of failing to fulfill those needs.
A man will not be ready to open up and give love until he realizes that it is OK to make mistakes. A man must feel accepted and encouraged to risk putting himself out there.
Unfortunately for many men, their hesitance to give freely results in their partner’s resentment. That resentment feels like blame to a man and confirms his fear that he isn’t good enough.
On Venus, women operated with a lose/win philosophy—women are willing to sacrifice personally to help another woman win. Everyone on Venus did their best to nurture one another’s needs.
Once women discovered men, however, they began to see another way of doing things. Men taught women the joy of being taken care of and the importance of receiving emotional support from someone that didn’t need caring for in return. These women were motivated to stop being martyrs. They started to develop a win/win philosophy and learn how to receive.
Unfortunately, many women carry their instinctual lose/win philosophy into their relationships. A woman who consistently gives more than her partner will not feel adequately cherished in the relationship. She will become exhausted and unappreciative. Often, she will blame her partner for her unfulfillment.
Women have a deep fear of being abandoned, judged, and rejected. Subconsciously, women feel unworthy of receiving support. Depending on others is difficult for women because being ignored or dismissed after expressing need would confirm their deepest fear that they are unworthy of the support they desire.
That is why women on Venus developed a lose/win philosophy—they thought that by sacrificing their own needs for others, they would become worthy of love.
A woman will not be ready to open up and receive from her partner until she realizes that she is worthy and deserving of love. Unfortunately for many women, they don’t come to the realization that they are worthy until they have exhausted themselves from years of giving too much in a relationship.
Because men are naturally hesitant to give and women are naturally hesitant to receive, it can be difficult to establish boundaries in a relationship. But setting boundaries is essential to building a reciprocal relationship and avoiding resentment. Setting boundaries means regulating how much you give, as opposed to expecting your partner to give more and keep the score even.
If you feel you are in a nonreciprocal relationship and holding resentment towards your partner, you’ll need to go through these three steps to heal the relationship:
Here are some examples of how you can practice setting boundaries, respecting boundaries, and expressing your feelings in an honest yet respectful way:
As a woman, once you learn to set boundaries for your partner, you will be motivated to forgive past disappointments and ask for support in the future. By communicating your needs and your limits, you’ll realize your worth and become more open to your partner.
As a man, once you learn to respect your partner’s limits, you will be motivated to make changes and give more. As you realize that you are allowed to make mistakes, you’ll feel safe to reach out and give your partner the support she needs.
Many relationship troubles stem from unfulfillment. If you feel unfulfilled in your relationship, it might be because you aren’t asking what for what you need.
Men and women both have trouble asking for support from their partner. But women find it even more frustrating to ask for help or support than men do because women want to receive love without having to ask, like they did on Venus.
Here are some commonly asked questions from women that illustrate women’s reluctance to ask for support:
The answer to all of these questions is that men come from a different planet and therefore give and receive love differently. Men typically do not offer help unless asked to do so because they want to respect others’ autonomy.
Because women are usually the ones in the relationship that have the most trouble requesting support, this chapter is written directly to women. But men should learn these principles, as well, to understand their female partners better.
Asking for support can be challenging, but you’ll be successful when you go through these three steps:
In order to get more in your relationship, you must first acknowledge what you’re already getting from your partner. Identify the little things that your partner consistently does for you, and practice asking for them in advance. Then show him a lot of appreciation when he completes each task.
This is only step one, so don’t expect him to give you any unsolicited support and don’t ask for anything more than you already get from your partner consistently. This step is about getting your partner used to being asked for help in a non-demanding way. You are reconditioning your partner to say yes to your requests by making him confident that he will be appreciated for his support.
The five elements of a good request are:
Example of an Improved Request
Unsuccessful request: “There are a lot of grocery bags still in the car. I need them if I’m going to make dinner. Could you go get them?”
The problem: This request is too long, has too many justifications, and uses “could.”
Successful request: “Would you please bring in the rest of the groceries from the car?”
Although many people use “could” and “would” interchangeably, they mean and imply different things. “Could” indicates the ability to do something, whereas “would” indicates a willingness to do something.
To many women, a request beginning in “could” sounds more polite and less demanding than one with “would.” But men respond much more positively to “would” requests.
To a man, “could” sounds weak, manipulative, and untrusting. Because a man knows that he could physically complete the task, the request sounds insincere, like his partner is trying to back him into doing something he wouldn’t otherwise do.
Women should think about it this way: How different would it be if your partner said “no, I can’t help you” instead of “no, I won’t help you.” It would be insulting to hear your partner say he “won’t” help, because that is a personal rejection, rather than an inability to support you.
Here are some comments from men about could vs. would requests:
Once you have practiced making existing requests in the right way and showing your appreciation, your partner’s love needs should be fulfilled and he should be ready and willing to increase his ability to offer support. You’re ready to move onto Step Two.
In this step, you purposely ask for support when you can sense that he will say no. Then you accept his rejection with a simple “OK” or “no problem.” You are conditioning your partner to realize that he can say no to a request and still earn your love. This is important, because when men have the freedom to say no, they will be much more likely to say yes.
You should only make requests at this stage if you can comfortably accept no for an answer. Resist the urge to ask for anything that your partner cannot deny you without making you upset. Here are some examples of appropriate requests at this stage:
When your partner says no and you respond with loving acceptance, he will award you points (as described in “How to Score Points With a Man”). Next time, he will be more responsive to you when you make a request because you have made him feel loved. On the other hand, if you don’t make these requests, your partner will never know how often you really need his support.
Once you have practiced making requests in the right way and your partner has learned that he is free to say no, you are ready to move on to Step Three. Steps One and Two were like a warm-up and Step Three is like a stretch—your partner has to stretch and become more flexible in order to make room for your new requests.
In this step, you finally learn to assert your power and get what you need from your partner. The key elements of this step are:
This is how you make a request in Step Three:
When you make a request and your partner resists by grumbling (discussed below), instead of responding with “OK” (like you did in Step 2), you should continue to stand there with your partner and take a long, silent pause. Be accepting of his resistance, don’t portray any disapproval or frustration. Remain silent even if he scowls or grumbles. If necessary, calmly and confidently make your request again. Be assertive—make your request with trust that he will support you if he is able.
Eventually, because of the programming Steps One and Two, your partner will come around and respond positively to your request.
In Step Three, you will notice your partner’s tendency to grumble. Grumbling, moaning, or mumbling is a man’s way of working through your request. Remember, he is stretching—he is considering what you need him to do versus what he would rather be doing. The more focused he was on what he was doing at the time of your request, the more he will grumble.
You should not take grumbling as a sign of your partner’s unwillingness to support you. If he was unwilling, he would have already said no. Simply pause and stay silent through the grumbles. Resist the urge to say things like “just forget it” or “I have to do everything myself.”
Sometimes, after a man lets out his grumbles he will come around and say yes to your request without any further prompting. But other times, he will resist by trying to argue his way out or turn the request around on you. Be tactful—calmly and succinctly let your partner know that your need is just as important as his. Then, make your request again.
Here are some examples:
Just like in your first request, avoid validating your second request or convincing him it’s important. Don’t try to make your need seem greater than his, only equal to his. Match his resistance with a brief statement. Then ask (don’t demand) again for what you need.
If for any reason, your partner still denies your request, go back to Step Two. Graciously accept his rejection. Letting it go this time will earn you points for your next try. Just because you think you’ve moved on to Step Three doesn’t mean you can forget what you learned in Steps One and Two: asking the right way and accepting no for an answer.
Through this entire process, it is important to remember that your male partner comes from Mars—he needs to feel independent, accepted, and worthy in order to be satisfied in love. If it seems like your partner is overly sensitive about being asked for help or overly concerned with being controlled, you want to be gentle when programming him to give you more support. Your partner will eventually be happy to learn how to fulfill your needs.
Example: Successful Programming
One night, John was getting ready for bed when his wife, Bonnie, asked him to go to the store for milk. John immediately began to grumble and try to get out of it. When Bonnie stayed silent and stuck to her request, John angrily left for the store.
On the way to get the milk, John’s attitude suddenly changed. He stopped being angry and started looking forward to the feeling of accomplishment he would get from completing a task. He felt proud of himself for doing something for his wife. He even felt happy as he walked through the store.
When he arrived home, Bonnie was happy, too. She showed her appreciation with a hug, a smile, and a thank you. John felt loved. So the next time Bonnie asked John to go out and get milk, he grumbled less before agreeing to go. The third time Bonnie asked for milk, he said yes without grumbling at all.
A week after his third trip to the store, John noticed that Bonnie was low on milk, so he offered to go get some. But Bonnie said that she was already planning to go to the store herself. John couldn’t believe it, but he was actually disappointed. Bonnie’s love and appreciation had programmed John to enjoy going to the store for milk.
This successful programming began that very first time Bonnie requested that John go to the store. If she had been less appreciative when John returned, he might not have said yes the next time she asked for milk. And he wouldn’t have realized how much he actually liked being able to provide something for his wife.
The three steps for learning to ask for more support in a relationship are: 1) Ask for what you’re already getting in a new way. 2) Ask for more support and accept no for an answer. 3) Step Three: Ask for what you want assertively.
Consider Step One and how you can begin the process of asking your partner for more support.
What are some things that your partner already consistently does for you in your relationship?
Write out an improved way of asking for the support you’re already getting in the box below, taking into account timing, attitude, brevity, directness, and wording.
How often and how genuinely do you say thank you when your partner offers you support?
Write yourself a reminder to show your partner appreciation for the little things he or she is already doing for you. Remember, you are programming your partner to say yes to your requests in the future.
Just as loving communication saves relationships, hurtful arguments destroy relationships.
Couples who fight all the time gradually fall out of love due to growing tension. Couples who never fight end up falling out of love due to suppressed emotions. In order to maintain a successful relationship, you and your partner must learn to avoid arguments when possible. But when you do have an argument you must communicate lovingly.
As a general rule, you and your partner should try never to argue. Instead of fighting over disagreements, discuss the pros and cons of each person’s point of view. During these discussions, remember to speak in a loving, respectful, and approving manner—do your best to fulfill your partner’s primary love needs throughout the conversation.
The closer you are to someone, the greater the potential for hurt feelings. You must remember that your words have incredible power to deeply hurt your partner. And your partner has the power to hurt you deeply, as well. Hurt feelings don’t usually stem from the argument itself, but from how you communicate during the argument. The way you say something means more than what you actually say.
Most arguments in relationships follow a similar pattern:
In order to avoid arguments and break this pattern:
When a man feels that his partner is challenging him, his first instinct is to prove that he is right. In an effort to prove his adequacy, he often forgets to be loving and respectful. Because he feels unloved (not trusted or approved of), he starts to speak in a disrespectful tone.
Although the man only means to express information and prove he is right, the way he speaks often feels like an attack to his female partner. Because women speak to convey feelings, she mistakenly assumes that a man’s words express his feelings toward her. He might think that she is resisting his point, but she is really only resisting his disrespectful delivery. Because he misjudges the reason for her reaction, he will continue to explain himself and try to show the merit of his point. To a woman, this feels belittling and invalidating.
Invalidating a woman’s feelings is the most common way that men unknowingly start arguments. When your female partner expresses feelings of disappointment, frustration, or worry (especially about something you’ve done or said), resist the instinct to offer explanations of your intentions or justifications for your behavior. First, fulfill her primary love needs of reassurance, caring, and understanding by showing that you are listening to her feelings.
Women unknowingly start arguments by being indirect when expressing their negative feelings. Women commonly ask rhetorical questions when they are upset, such as “How could you do that?” Women also use their eyes and tone of voice to express their upset. To a man, these indirect forms of communication feel like interrogation and disapproval.
When a man disappoints his partner or makes a mistake, he feels vulnerable. Remember, men value success, so even a small mistake will make him sensitive to feeling like a failure. This is when a man needs love and approval the most. If you communicate indirectly, it could make your partner defensive and lead to an argument.
Just like women need to feel validated in their feelings, men need to feel approved of in their behavior. Resist the instinct to withdraw your approval from your partner—that’s one of the most painful things you can do to a man. First, fulfill his primary love needs of trust, approval, and encouragement. You can learn to disagree with something your male partner does without making him feel as though you disapprove of who he is.
The most important things to remember when you see a conflict coming in your relationship are:
Example: How to Avoid Arguments Before They Start
One day, Frank forgets to pick up groceries on the way home like he said he would. Laura is frustrated.
What not to do: Lisa sharply asks a rhetorical question, like “How could you possibly forget?” This is too indirect. Frank takes the question literally and answers “I was really busy. These things happen.” This is an explanation and too invalidating. Lisa feels like Frank thinks she has no reason to be upset, and she becomes angry that he would dismiss her feelings.
What to do instead: Instead of Lisa asking a rhetorical question, she could say simply ask him “Would you please go pick up groceries?” This is direct and avoids a disapproving tone. Frank, realizing that he forgot to get groceries could say “I’m sorry that I forgot. Are you mad?” Giving Lisa a chance to talk about her feelings will make her feel validated.
So far, the advice in this book has been about avoiding assigning blame to your partner in an effort to communicate with love. However, there will be times in your relationship when you do feel like blaming your partner for something. Times of conflict are the most difficult times to communicate with care, reassurance, approval, and acceptance. Even the most amazing relationships will go through phases of conflict and troubled communication. At times like these, talking might not work. Attempting to talk could escalate into a fight that will damage the relationship in the long run.
One of the best ways to communicate feelings nonverbally is to write a letter. Writing out your negative feelings is cathartic—it allows you to release some of your upset and make room for positivity. And it’s an effective way to see how critical and unloving you sound when you’re upset. You don’t even need to share your letter with your partner—just writing down your negative feelings is an effective tool for resolving conflict in your relationship.
There is a particular technique of letter writing that is most effective in releasing negative emotions and making room for positive feelings—it’s called the Letter of Love. There are four important elements to the technique of writing a Letter of Love (detailed further below):
As you get more comfortable with writing and sharing Letters of Love, you might choose to complete different steps in different situations. Sometimes, after completing the letter and the response, you might feel ready to approach your partner for a verbal conversation rather than sharing your letter. Other times, you might want to let your partner read your letter and come to you when he or she is ready to talk.
Every Letter of Love that you write should include expressions of your anger, your sadness, your fears, and your regrets—followed by expressions of love for your partner.
Following this format will allow you to explore all of your feelings and communicate them to your partner in a clear and loving way. The format also allows you to tell the complete truth of all of your feelings.
Here are some tips for writing an effective Letter of Love:
Here is a template you can use when writing a Letter of Love to your partner:
Dear [Partner’s Name],
I am writing you this letter to help you understand my feelings.
Anger:
Sadness:
Fear:
Regret:
Love:
Signed,
[Your Name]
P.S. This is what I would love to hear from you…
Example: A Letter of Love
Michael and Vanessa had a disagreement about a financial decision. The discussion quickly turned into an argument. Michael noticed that he was starting to raise his voice and speak disrespectfully, so he asked for some time alone to think.
After writing the following letter, Michael was able to share his feelings with Vanessa. The two resolved their conflict lovingly.
Michael’s Letter of Love:
Dear Vanessa,
Anger: I get angry when you are so emotional during our discussions. It makes me angry when you misunderstand me. It frustrates me that you get so easily hurt and can’t remain calm. I’m angry because it feels like you don’t trust me.
Sadness: I feel sad when we argue. Your doubts and mistrust hurt my feelings. It hurts when I feel like I’m losing your love. I’m sad that our disagreement turned into a fight.
Fear: I’m afraid of making mistakes in our relationship. I’m afraid of not being able to do what I want without making you upset. I fear sharing my feelings and being told that I’m wrong. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing when you’re upset.
Regret: I’m sorry I can’t agree with you on this topic. I’m sorry that I was cold and started to yell. I regret treating you that way. I’m sorry that I dismissed your feelings.
Love: I want to work this out because I love you. I can listen to you now that I’ve taken the time to cool down. I want to be supportive and see your perspective. I really do love you. I want to be the man of your dreams. You deserve my patience, and I will give it to you next time we talk.
Love, Michael
P.S. I would love to hear from you: “I appreciate you, Michael. I love you, and I trust that we will work through this.”
Writing the desired response at the end of a letter can be just as rewarding as writing the Letter of Love itself. By communicating what you need from your partner, you’ll open yourself up to receiving support.
Some people, especially women, hesitate to write a response at the end of their letter because they want their partner to give the desired response without being told what to say. Remember, your partner speaks a different language than you do. Giving your partner an example response will help him understand your needs.
The first time you try the Letter of Love technique with your partner, it might feel awkward to give a response that sounds like the desired response your partner wrote down. You might feel as though you sound inauthentic. Your partner might doubt your sincerity. The key is to keep trying and to appreciate your partner for trying with you.
Here are some phrases to help you include everything you might need to hear from your partner in the desired response section:
When you write a Letter of Love, you heal within yourself. When you share a Letter of Love, you open the door to receive intimacy, love, and support.
Sharing your Letter of Love and desired response with your partner is important because:
Here are five methods for sharing your Letter of Love (this list is written as if a woman wrote a Letter of Love to her male partner. But these methods of sharing work just as well for men):
Be aware that you or your partner might not always be able to give a loving response immediately after hearing or reading a Letter of love. If you cannot respond honestly and lovingly at first, take time before responding. Reassure your partner that you will come back and respond when you are able.
If you feel hurt by something in your partner’s Letter of Love, you can try writing your own. This is a good way to find your loving feelings again before responding to your partner’s letter.
Above all else, it is important for both you and your partner to feel safe when sharing or receiving a Letter of Love. Both partners should go through this process with loving intentions.
The person writing and sharing the Letter of Love must be able to honestly say:
The person hearing or reading the Letter of Love must be able to honestly say:
Writing and sharing a Letter of Love with your partner is beneficial to both of you. Not only does your partner get a better understanding of your feelings, but you might also learn about your own feelings and defense mechanisms. By sitting down and exploring your feelings in total privacy, you’ll be able to dive deeper into your negative emotions than you could in the company of others.
Many of the negative emotions people feel in times of conflict (like sadness, anger, regret, and fear) are unconscious defense mechanisms. For example:
You can not expect your partner to understand and accept your negative emotions until you have come to terms with them yourself. Writing a Letter of Love is a great tool for going through the primary negative emotions and identifying them within yourself. Once you validate and accept your own negative emotions, your partner will be able to understand and validate you, as well.
One of the best ways to communicate nonverbally in times of conflict is to write a Letter of Love. Every Letter of Love that you write should include expressions of your anger, your sadness, your fears, your regrets, and your love—followed by your desired response.
Think back to a conflict you’ve had in one of your personal or romantic relationships. Do your best to put yourself back there and remember all of the emotions you were feeling at the time. Write a Letter of Love in the box below, including your desired response:
How did it feel to go through each emotion in order and sort through your feelings? Did any emotions surface that surprised you?
Think of your relationship as a garden—understand that you will need to put work into keeping your love alive and growing. You will need to treat your garden differently as the “seasons” (or phases) of your love change:
It is very common in relationships to experience sudden shifts from love to frustration. Read this list of examples and see if you can relate to any of these within your own relationship:
Shifts like these are confusing and often lead people to mistakenly assume that their relationship has faded. In reality, the safety and security of your relationship have allowed unresolved negative feelings from your past to rise back to your consciousness.
When you feel safely and securely in love, negative feelings from your past may begin to resurface. In fact, the way you were raised and any unresolved emotions you experienced in your childhood still play a role in the way you express your feelings today.
The negative emotions that you weren’t able to express as a child have been suppressed within you for years. Because your parents were your primary examples of communication growing up, you have to learn how to overcome the unsuccessful communication skills that were ingrained in you. For example:
When you are finally at a place of emotional safety and security, the negative feelings associated with your past will resurface in your consciousness so that they can be expressed and healed.
Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy to identify when your unresolved emotions are presenting themselves to be healed. Mistaking an old emotion for a present emotion can create conflicts in your relationship.
For example, imagine that Ben harbors feelings of abandonment because his father left when he was a child. Later in life, Ben enters a healthy, loving relationship. Ben doesn’t understand why he sometimes feels rejected and abandoned by his partner. It is because he is projecting past, unresolved pain onto his present relationship.
If, like Ben, you let your negative emotions drive you into a conflict with your partner, the feelings will become suppressed again only to resurface the next time you feel safe and loved.
In relationships, 90% of conflicts are related to unresolved emotions from the past. Only 10% of conflicts are actually directly caused by a present issue.
For example, imagine that someone lightly pokes your arm. You would most likely not feel any pain. But if you had an open wound on your arm, it would be intensely painful for someone to poke it.
This illustrates how emotional wounds from our past make us more sensitive to certain kinds of conflict. Without an awareness of the ways that your unresolved feelings affect you, you will likely end up in a conflict with your partner over something that is only 10% your partner’s fault.
If you ever notice a sudden change in your partner’s sensitivity levels, remember that she could be dealing with negative emotions that have resurfaced from the past. Try to recognize the open wound, and do everything you can to avoid poking it. Understand how you would feel in the same situation, and give your partner understanding support while he works to heal.
When negative emotions surface in times of conflict, remember that they are most likely unresolved issues from your childhood. It’s important to nurture these feelings so that they can heal. Writing a Letter of Love is a great way to do so. Take the time while you are writing to treat yourself like a child. Ask yourself “What’s wrong? Why are you feeling this way? How can I help you feel better?”
Example of Self-Awareness
After several months of falling in love in a new relationship, Lisa suddenly began to criticize everything her partner did. She was constantly annoyed with him. So she sat down to write a Letter of Love.
Lisa discovered that feelings of low self-esteem were resurfacing from her childhood and making her feel as though she wasn’t good enough for her partner. By being aware that the real problem was her lingering doubts in herself, she could release her frustration with her partner.
Another way to help yourself heal any unresolved emotional pain is to seek out a support group. The potential for growth and healing grows as the number of people you share with grows.
As adults, many people try to silence their unresolved, childlike emotions through overeating, overworking, drinking, and other addictive behaviors. For example:
Silencing your negative feelings only pushes them back down. These feelings will continue to resurface until you can express and heal.
As you grow more and more intimate in a long-term relationship, the more safety and love you feel. As a result, your deepest and most painful feelings finally reveal themselves. Most people do not know how to effectively heal these painful feelings on their own. Sometimes, you might even be tempted to run from your loving relationship rather than diving into your deepest feelings. In times like these, it is wise to consult a therapist.
The best way to heal your deepest negative emotions, you must share them. In therapy, you are free to access your unresolved emotions without the risk of projecting them onto your partner. Even long, loving, successful relationships benefit from therapy to help resolve deep-seated emotional pain.
Reading this guide and learning to appreciate your partner’s natural differences is a great first step in building a lasting relationship. You should feel hopeful that you will be able to make it through every season of your love.
But don’t forget, some phases of love will feel better than others. That doesn’t mean that your love is any less strong or less healthy than it once was. It just means that you need to work a little bit hard to nurture warmth and kindness with your partner.
Think of your relationship as a journey that you are going on with your partner. Be forgiving of any steps backward and appreciative of every step forward.
Refer back to this guide whenever you feel that you or your partner have forgotten the best ways to give and receive love. It’s natural to forget new things when you’re learning. So if you only remember one thing from this book for now, it should be this: You and your partner are supposed to be different. Love your partner for who they are and for all the ways they’re different from you.
Men and women each have 6 primary needs that must be fulfilled in order to freely give and receive love in a relationship. Consider how the 12 kinds of love play a role in your romantic relationship.
What kind or kinds of love do you give most freely to your romantic partner? Do you tend to give the kind of love your partner needs or the kind of love that you crave for yourself?
Now that you know your partner’s primary needs, what are some ways you can show your love differently and help them feel fulfilled in love?
What kinds of love does your partner give most freely to you? Does your partner tend to give you the kind of love you need or the kind of the love that he or she craves?
Now that you know your primary needs, what are some ways that you would like to be shown love? How can you communicate your needs to your partner in an effort to help him or her love you the way you need to be loved?