Disciplining kids often involves tears, yelling, and drama. In No-Drama Discipline, parenting experts Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson aim to empower parents to discipline their children without the drama, which creates the space to teach children, not just argue with them. This book builds on the lessons of the authors’ previous parenting collaboration, The Whole-Brain Child, but with a specific focus on discipline. (Don’t worry—you don’t need to have read The Whole-Brain Child to enjoy No-Drama Discipline!)
In this guide, we’ll learn the basics of the authors’ approach to discipline, including how to calm your child’s raging emotions and solidify your bond before redirecting them to a new behavior. Throughout the guide, we’ll also feature advice from other experts on parenting as well as scientific context to help explain why Siegel and Bryson’s advice is so powerful.
According to the authors, the No-Drama Discipline approach is a way to discipline children while also strengthening their growing brains. When children have consistent, loving discipline, their brains form new, positive connections that create a foundation for healthy relationships and mental wellbeing later on.
This approach also reinforces the bond between parent and child, which makes kids feel safe—and when they feel safe, they’re able to focus their neurological resources on developing their growing brain, which will lead to better behavior in the long term.
How No-Drama Discipline Promotes Secure Attachment
As we’ve seen, the No-Drama Discipline approach is designed to nurture two things—the parent-child bond and the child’s brain development. These are both important factors in developing a secure attachment.
While the authors don’t discuss attachment in depth in this book, Siegel discusses attachment in Parenting From the Inside Out (coauthored by Mary Hartzell). “Attachment” is the nature of the bond between children and their primary caregiver. When parents provide consistent, loving attention (even during moments of discipline), children ultimately develop a “secure attachment,” which means children internalize the message that they are safe, loved, and understood.
Research shows that securely attached children tend to become trusting, open-minded, confident adults. Since Siegel and Bryson’s discipline methods are designed to nurture secure attachment, they’ll likely help to provide these benefits.
Siegel and Bryson believe that many parents misunderstand discipline to mean punishment. They argue that discipline is actually about teaching children to do better. (Shortform note: Historically, cultural attitudes about child discipline have oscillated between gentler, more teaching-centered approaches like Siegel and Bryson’s and stricter, more authoritarian approaches that often include corporal punishment.)
According to the authors, there are two goals of discipline. Immediate cooperation is the short-term goal of discipline: It involves getting children to stop doing what they shouldn’t be doing and redirecting them to a positive behavior. On the other hand, skill-building is the long-term goal of discipline: It involves helping children develop skills like empathy and emotional regulation that will serve them throughout their lives. As children build these skills, they’ll begin making better decisions, and over time they’ll need less discipline in general.
(Shortform note: These two goals don’t just apply to children—they also apply to how we use self-discipline as adults. For example, when you set an alarm for 5 AM to get up and exercise, you probably have two goals in mind: to work out that particular morning (a short-term, immediately beneficial goal) and to get into the habit of getting up early to exercise (a long-term, skill-building goal). Each time you choose to get up instead of sleeping in, you cement the habit further and make it easier to get up on time the next day—just like repeated discipline makes it easier for kids to behave properly.)
Siegel and Bryson’s approach to discipline has three steps. The first step is preparation—putting yourself in the right frame of mind to discipline in a productive and healthy way. The second step is connection, which means establishing and reaffirming a deep bond with your child and reminding them of your unconditional love for them. The third step involves helping children shift from a negative behavior to a more appropriate behavior. The authors call this third step “redirection,” but for clarity, we’ll call it “teaching.”
Let’s explore each of these steps in detail.
The first step in Siegel and Bryson’s approach to discipline begins before your child even misbehaves. Here are 3 strategies to help you prepare to discipline your children effectively:
The authors believe that you must understand how kids’ brains are developing in order to discipline them effectively. Here are some important things to remember about children’s growing brains.
First, different parts of the brain are responsible for different functions. (The authors refer to these different parts of the brain as the “downstairs brain” and the “upstairs brain,” but for clarity, we’ll call them the lower and upper parts of the brain.)
The lower part of the brain controls basic functions, like breathing, hunger, and strong primary emotions such as fear. This part of the brain is fully developed even in young children. In contrast, the upper part of the brain controls more complex functions like empathy, impulse control, emotional regulation, and critical thinking. Unlike the lower part of the brain, the upper part is not fully developed in children; in fact, the upper brain doesn’t completely mature until around age 25.
(Shortform note: Why does the lower brain mature so much faster than the upper brain? Siegel and Bryson don’t get into the details, but scientists speculate that the lower brain develops first because it’s a much simpler, more primal part of the brain. The development of these two structures in individual humans matches their evolutionary development across the whole species: The lower brain (which controls the fight or flight reflex) developed first, which kept our ancestors alive long enough to reproduce and continue the evolutionary process that eventually developed the upper brain.)
Second, according to Siegel and Bryson, the fact that kids’ upper brains aren’t developed yet means they’re not yet capable of higher-level executive functions like seeing a situation from someone else’s point of view. Parents need to keep this in mind when they set expectations for their children. For example, a four-year-old genuinely isn’t capable of sitting quietly in church for an hour without something to distract her—she hasn’t developed impulse control (an upper brain function) yet, which means her brain hasn’t yet learned to control her urges to talk, play, and move around. Her parents should set their expectations accordingly.
(Shortform note: Siegel and Bryson set expectations based on typical brain development here, but the expectations you set for your children should also take their unique circumstances into account. For example, as Dr. Bessel van der Kolk describes in The Body Keeps the Score, kids who have experienced trauma are prone to more behavioral problems than other children. Similarly, kids with ADHD often struggle more with impulse control than their peers. In both cases, parents and caregivers should keep these factors in mind when setting expectations for their children.)
In addition to considering brain development, the authors recommend approaching discipline in a mindful way, rather than simply reacting on instinct (or blowing up). In practice, mindful discipline means approaching each situation with curiosity. When your child misbehaves, Siegel and Bryson recommend asking yourself these three questions:
Why did my child do that? Usually, the answer has to do with emotions and goals. What emotion were they trying to express? What goal were they trying to accomplish?
(Shortform note: Keep in mind that, for very young children, behavior can sometimes be less about emotions and goals and more about trying to understand the world around them. For example, it’s normal for toddlers to hit people or objects purely to see what the result will be, not because they feel upset or angry.)
What lesson do I want them to learn right now? This answer may vary depending on the answer to the first question. For example, if your child hit her brother because she was feeling jealous of him, you might want to teach her a healthier way to handle jealousy.
(Shortform note: Siegel and Bryson don’t specify which lessons you should focus on teaching your children. The answer varies by age—for example, three-year-olds should learn to take turns, while 12-year-olds should learn to take on new responsibilities.)
How should I deliver that lesson? This answer will also depend on the specifics of the situation. For example, if your daughter is two years old, she may be too young to really understand jealousy, so you may need to simplify how you deliver your lesson. On the other hand, older children can understand nuanced emotions, so you can talk with them about jealousy in more depth.
(Shortform note: These are just guidelines, and each child develops at a different pace; so to know how to deliver your lessons, you’ll need to gauge your child’s emotional maturity level (or the amount of emotional nuance she can comprehend). Having a good understanding of this will help you set appropriate expectations and discipline her in a way she can understand. For instance, if your eight-year-old isn’t very emotionally mature, they may still need a more simplified lesson on jealousy.)
The authors believe that the opposite of mindful discipline is parenting “on autopilot”, or making decisions in the heat of the moment based on your habits and current emotions rather than a conscious plan. When parents are on autopilot, they often resort to two common punishments: time-outs and spanking. Siegel and Bryson argue that these methods are not only ineffectual in the moment, they can also hinder kids’ healthy development in the long run.
(Shortform note: Why do parents slip into autopilot? Siegel and Bryson don’t go into detail, but Siegel and Mary Hartzell explore the question more thoroughly in Parenting From the Inside Out. Essentially, when parents have unresolved issues from their own childhoods, they’re more easily pushed into autopilot when their children behave in ways that trigger those issues. For example, if your parents left you alone to cry without comfort for long periods as a child, you probably felt entirely flooded by those negative emotions. Now, when you hear your child cry hysterically, the sound triggers that same flood of unresolved emotions, causing you to slip back into autopilot when reacting to your child.)
Time-Outs
Siegel and Bryson believe that, during a traditional time-out (in which parents send children to sit by themselves and think about what they’ve done wrong), kids don’t focus on their misbehavior—they focus on their parents’ negative reaction to it. This often escalates kids’ strong emotions rather than helping them calm down. (Shortform note: In addition to the authors’ reasoning, there’s another reason time-outs can escalate a conflict: They initiate a power struggle over whether the child will actually, physically stay in the time-out spot. If the child keeps leaving the designated spot before they’re supposed to, parents often escalate the situation by heaping new punishments on top of the original time out.)
Spanking
The authors believe that spanking, like time-outs, often escalates dramatic situations. That’s because spanking makes children feel threatened, and feeling threatened engages the primitive parts of a child’s brain rather than the more evolved parts responsible for higher-level thinking. When a child’s primitive brain is engaged, it’s almost impossible for her to think calmly about the experience, so she’ll continue acting out. Worse, feeling threatened floods children’s brains with stress hormones; over time, too much exposure to those stress hormones can have a serious negative impact on children’s developing brains.
(Shortform note: There’s another important reason spanking is ineffective that the authors don’t mention: The logic of spanking relies on skills that young children don’t have. When parents spank, they assume the memory of that pain will deter their children from misbehaving in the future—that kids will stop and think about that painful memory before acting. However, that kind of impulse control is an upper brain skill that young kids haven’t learned yet, so the logic of spanking sets kids up for failure.)
The authors acknowledge that mindful, brain-focused discipline is hard to do when your own lower brain is enraged—as might happen, for instance, if you walk into the kitchen to discover your child painting a chocolate syrup masterpiece all over the floor. When that happens, Siegel and Bryson recommend holding off on discipline (other than immediate safety concerns) until both you and your child are calm, focused, and able to have a productive conversation. This might even mean waiting until the next day to talk after everyone has cooled down. Otherwise, you’re likely to resort to autopilot responses like yelling or time-outs.
(Shortform note: While giving yourself space to calm down before disciplining is helpful, you can also use proactive strategies that will help you respond to misbehavior without your lower brain taking over—so you won’t need to take space in the first place. To do this, start by identifying one daily ritual that helps you feel calm (like a nightly bath) and set firm boundaries around it so your family knows not to interrupt you during that time. By taking that time for yourself every day, you’ll ensure your own needs are met, which will help prevent you from flying into a rage when your children misbehave.)
Once you’re in the right frame of mind to discipline mindfully, the next step in Siegel and Bryson’s discipline approach is connection: meeting your child where they are, empathizing with them, and helping them calm down from strong emotions.
According to the authors, connection is an essential step because it sets the stage for kids to listen and learn. When kids feel strong emotions like anger or frustration, their lower brains take control and drown out the input of the rational upper brain. This means kids lose access to upper brain skills like emotional regulation and processing new information. (Kids in this state may be inconsolable—which parents often mistake for a willful tantrum.) The authors argue that trying to discipline children effectively when they’re in this state is futile.
(Shortform note: Daniel Goleman describes these lower brain takeovers (or “emotional hijackings,” as he calls them) in more detail in Emotional Intelligence. According to Goleman, research shows that even children with high IQs perform poorly in school when they’re under emotional stress and the lower brain takes over. This supports Siegel and Bryson’s claim that kids genuinely won’t be able to learn new information when their lower brain has hijacked their upper brain.)
Connection, according to Siegel and Bryson, is the solution to this problem. Empathic connection helps children calm the raging lower brain to the point that it no longer drowns out the upper brain. Then, the upper brain has a chance to chime in with logic, empathy, and problem-solving skills—meaning children will be more able to listen and understand when you teach them a new, more appropriate way to behave.
The authors note an added bonus to this method: Over time, using connection to help calm the lower brain helps children strengthen the connections between their upper and lower brains so that they can more effectively rein in the lower brain’s strong reactions. In other words, connection not only regulates kids’ emotions in the moment, but it also strengthens their brains’ ability to regulate their own emotions. Eventually, they’ll be able to use that skill on their own, without as much help from you.
Connection Is a Key Part of “Coregulation”
What Siegel and Bryson are describing here is what other child development experts call “coregulation,” or the process of adults helping children manage strong emotions. The empathic connection that Siegel and Bryson mention is just one aspect of coregulation. According to developmental scientists, to effectively coregulate, adults should also provide a structured environment (including a predictable routine) and explicit coaching of emotional self-regulation skills (such as identifying emotions, calming down, and seeing a situation from someone else’s perspective).
Additionally, the reason that kids need less coregulation from parents over time isn’t just a matter of upper brain practice, as Siegel and Bryson suggest—it’s also a matter of overall development. For example, infants need more coregulation than older kids by default because they haven’t yet learned how to control even the most basic bodily functions; they need an adult’s help not just to calm down but also to regulate their body temperature and stress hormone levels. On the other hand, older children with typical development have already mastered those skills, so they need less help from parents—even if they haven’t had deliberate practice regulating their own emotions.
Here are three strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend for establishing connection with your kids:
Siegel and Bryson argue that the most powerful way to soothe your child when she’s upset is through touch. Positive touch (like hugs or rubbing your child’s back) releases stress-relieving hormones in the brain, which helps children (and adults) calm down. (Shortform note: In Parenting From the Inside Out, Siegel and Hartzell note that it’s especially important to be fully calm and mindful before touching your child: If you’re still angry or upset with them, gentle touch can quickly turn into harmful touch, which can be particularly damaging. For example, if you’re still upset, you might accidentally grab your child a little too roughly, even if that wasn’t your intention.)
To make your child feel even safer and more open to connection, the authors recommend positioning yourself below her eye level—for example, by sitting on the ground while she stands in front of you or sits on a chair. This posture communicates to the primal, animal part of her brain that you’re not a threat. (Shortform note: Getting down on the ground is just one of many ways to make yourself appear less threatening. For example, with older children, you can also sit shoulder to shoulder while you talk to them. The lack of eye contact in this approach makes kids and teens feel safer.)
Once your child is calm, Siegel and Bryson recommend acknowledging and affirming your child’s emotions, even if you’re not happy with the way she expressed those emotions. When children are upset, having a parent communicate that their feelings are valid helps them calm down faster because they feel understood.
According to the authors, affirmation has two steps. First, identify the feeling. For example, if your child is crying and stomping their feet, you might say, “I can see you’re feeling really angry right now.” This not only helps children feel understood, but it also helps them learn to identify their own emotions. (Shortform note: You might not think to do this until children are old enough to understand what you say, but some parenting experts recommend identifying feelings even with babies as a way to get into the habit. For example, you might say, “I hear you, you don’t want to get out of the tub—the air is cold!”)
Second, express empathy. Challenge yourself to understand why your child is feeling so strongly about the situation and communicate that you understand why they’re so upset. For example, you might say to your angry child, “I know you really wanted to go to the mall today, and you’re angry that we had to reschedule. I would feel angry too if my plans changed like that.” (Shortform note: When you empathize with your children, keep their limited life experience in mind. For example, if your toddler reacts to spilling her juice as though it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to her, keep in mind that it might actually be the worst feeling she’s yet experienced in her short life, and empathize accordingly.)
As you connect with your child, the authors advise focusing on listening rather than lecturing, arguing, or explaining. Keep in mind that language is an upper brain function—so when kids are feeling strong emotions that activate their lower brains, they’re not able to process language, and lectures aren’t helpful.
(Shortform note: In addition to strengthening your connection with your child, listening offers other benefits. For example, regularly listening to your children establishes open communication, which means they’ll be more likely to share their thoughts and struggles openly with you as they get older. Additionally, modeling listening skills for your child will help them develop important social skills that can help them form and maintain healthy relationships. Meanwhile, lecturing is ineffective because even if your child does process what you’re saying, they’ll feel hurt that you’ve spent so long talking about how “bad” they are, and they’ll respond with defensiveness and resentment.)
After connecting with your child, the final step in Siegel and Bryson’s method is teaching. Teaching involves setting and reinforcing firm boundaries—in other words, teaching children what behavior is and isn’t okay—but doing so in a loving way that prioritizes your connection with your child. (Shortform note: The authors call this step “redirection,” but we’ve changed it to “teaching” to better reflect two of the authors’ ideas: First, that discipline should be about teaching, rather than punishment; and second, that discipline should focus on building long-term skills rather than just redirecting a child from one behavior to another in the moment.)
So what happens when your child breaks a rule? According to the authors, the first thing you’ll teach is why your child’s behavior was inappropriate. When your child understands why their behavior was wrong, they’ll experience natural feelings of guilt and regret. Those are uncomfortable feelings, and when that discomfort is paired with misbehaving, kids will naturally learn to avoid misbehavior so they can avoid feeling bad.
(Shortform note: You may be wary of letting your children feel these negative emotions for fear of damaging their self-image. However, in Daring Greatly, shame expert Brené Brown argues that there is a difference between guilt (“I’ve done something bad”) and shame (“I am bad”), and it’s the latter emotion that’s more likely to impact self-image. Brown believes that guilt doesn’t have to lead to shame—instead, it can be a healthy experience that teaches children to separate their behavior from their identity. Therefore, Brown agrees with Siegel and Bryson that allowing children to feel guilt is important for their development and won’t harm their self-image.)
Siegel and Bryson believe that teaching, when done well, leads to three positive outcomes for kids: increased understanding of their own emotional reactions, empathy for others, and practice making amends and repairing relationships.
(Shortform note: Effective discipline leads to another important positive outcome that the authors don’t mention: Namely, discipline helps children feel safe. This is because discipline shows kids that you are in charge and they don’t have to worry about making adult decisions yet.)
Here are three strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend for teaching your children how to behave appropriately and follow the rules:
Instead of jumping straight to criticism when your child misbehaves, the authors recommend you start by describing what you see and asking your child to explain it to you. For example, if you see gum in your preschooler’s hair, you might say, “I see gum in your hair; how did that happen?” instead of yelling, “What did you do to your hair?!” This strategy directs children’s attention to their misstep without making them feel attacked.
(Shortform note: Why is it important not to make children feel criticized or attacked? Siegel and Bryson don’t say, but research shows that parental criticism can have long-term negative effects. Children who are frequently criticized by their parents learn to ignore other people’s facial expressions (to protect themselves from seeing the disappointment or anger on their parents’ faces). This, in turn, impairs their ability to form relationships and can even make them more vulnerable to depression and anxiety. Therefore, discipline strategies that avoid criticism can protect children’s mental health in the long term.)
In addition to asking kids to explain what happened or what they were feeling when they misbehaved, Siegel and Bryson advise asking them to help you come up with a solution. This gives their upper brains practice understanding the consequences of their behavior and coming up with solutions. They’ll also feel more respected throughout the process if they know you value their input—even if they don’t like your ultimate decision.
(Shortform note: Siegel and Bryson don’t explain why kids tend to cooperate more when they’re involved in the discipline process, but it may have to do with control. Nutritionists have noted that picky eaters tend to be more willing to try new foods when they help prepare the meal because they feel more in control of the situation; the same process might be at play when kids have a say in discipline.)
Instead of responding with a hard “no” when your child asks for something, the authors recommend saying “yes”—but on your terms. For example, if your child wants to wear their astronaut costume to school, you might say, “Yes, you can wear your costume when you get home this afternoon” instead of an outright “no.” Hearing a flat “no” tends to activate children’s lower brains, so using a conditional yes instead can help avoid drama.
(Shortform note: Why do children perceive “no” as a threat? The authors don’t explain, but it may be because children hear a constant litany of “no” from the moment they start to interact with their environment. As a result, their brains form a very primal connection between the word “no” and the uncomfortable feelings of being scolded and having their goals thwarted.)
You may wonder what the techniques we’ve discussed in this guide look like in practice. Let’s examine how to put the three discipline steps into action.
Think back to the last time one of your children misbehaved. Briefly describe what happened and how you reacted.
Now, imagine you’re approaching the same situation using Siegel and Bryson’s discipline process. The first step is preparation, and the strategies are keeping the brain in mind, being mindful, and timing discipline right. How could you use these strategies to prepare to discipline your child? (For example, you might try being curious about why they behaved how they did.)
Now that you’re in the right frame of mind, the next discipline step is connection, and the strategies are using your body, acknowledging and affirming your child’s emotions, and letting them do the talking. Thinking back to your real-life scenario, how would you connect to your child in that moment?
Once your child is calm, you’re ready for the final step, teaching. The strategies are noticing (rather than criticizing), creating a dialogue, and using a “conditional yes.” How would you teach your child a better way to behave in the case of your example situation?