Do you pride yourself on being the nicest guy in the world? Does your fear of disapproval lead you to people-please, avoid conflict, and repress parts of yourself? If this sounds like you, you might be what Dr. Robert Glover calls a Nice Guy. Released in 2003, No More Mr. Nice Guy (referred to throughout this guide as NMMNG) by marriage and family psychotherapist Dr. Robert Glover helps you understand and conquer the frustrating—and often manipulative—Nice Guy mindset so that you can become what Glover calls a fully realized and self-accepting “Integrated Male” (who we’ll call the “Ideal Man” for simplicity).
In the face of struggle, dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. However, according to Glover, “being nice” rarely yields the desired outcome, and Nice Guys’ insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. Their repetitive, ineffective approach to life leads to unsatisfying intimate relationships, bitterness, and disappointment. We’ll explore the intricacies of Nice Guy behavior, and its consequences, later in this guide.
So, how can Nice Guys improve their lives? According to Glover, the key is to become an Ideal Man. The Ideal Man is—above all—self-accepting. Unlike the Nice Guy, he’s secure in his self-image, masculinity, and sexuality. This allows him to live the life he wants.
The Ideal Man and The Superior Man
Within the online manosphere, two texts pop up again and again as required reading for men seeking to improve themselves by fully embracing themselves and their masculinity: NMMNG and David Deida’s 1997 The Way of the Superior Man. Both authors end up at similar conclusions: To be a real man, you must wholeheartedly accept yourself as you are.
The Superior Man shares many traits with the Ideal Man, such as the ability to face his fears, release shame and self-doubt, and accept life’s challenges as opportunities for growth. However, Deida’s male archetype differs slightly from Glover’s in his spiritual connection to the world at large. For example, Deida believes the Superior Man is in touch with both masculine and feminine energy—within himself, in those around him, and in the push and pull of the universe. He also notes that the Superior Man knows how to be present and approach every situation with an open and loving heart.
While NMMNG never implies these traits are not part of the Ideal Man, the spiritual aspects of Deida’s Superior Man aren’t a focus for the psychoanalytical Glover.
Glover stresses that in their frustration with life, Nice Guys are often far from nice. Their indirect and avoidant nature results in an angry cycle of self-victimization:
Nice Guy does something to appear nice → He stews in silent resentment when things don’t go his way → Unable to contain his anger any longer, he lashes out
Overall, this cycle of repression, self-pity, and fear brings out Nice Guys’ undesirable characteristics, such as dishonesty and manipulation.
(Shortform note: Psychoanalyst Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries presents a similar cycle when discussing victimhood, or the “victim mentality.” Just as a Nice Guy believes he must people-please to get what he wants out of life, de Vries’s victim stage is defined by a belief that all control over your life rests in the hands of external forces. And like a Nice Guy’s eventual angry outbursts, his victimizer stage sees the “victim’s” feelings of powerlessness turn into rage. However, unlike Glover, de Vries adds a final rescuer stage in which the “victim” decides to “rescue” others in an attempt to fix everyone’s problems except their own. When someone tries to help them in return, they invent reasons to resist it to maintain their status as a victim.)
According to Glover, the Nice Guy’s misguided actions are driven by the following mindset:
Conceal your true self → Be who others want you to be → Have a perfect, fulfilling life
Where does this inaccurate life approach come from? Glover says it stems from a boy learning—explicitly or implicitly from his parents—that he must be “good” to be loved. This belief is the result of a vicious sequence of abandonment, shame, and self-doubt:
Abandonment: Glover begins with the fact that a child is completely dependent on his parents. This—along with the childish belief that the world revolves around him—causes the boy to interpret all forms of inattention or neglect as abandonment, which he fears and blames himself for.
Childhood Abandonment and Insecure Attachment
Is childhood abandonment a crucial factor in Nice Guys' later development of unhealthy relationships with others? Psychological research on childhood attachment may suggest so.
According to attachment theory in developmental psychology, children form either a secure or insecure “attachment style”—or behaviors as they relate to our emotional bonds—based on parent-child interactions. The theory also asserts that we carry these attachment styles into our adult relationships.
In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller describe two insecure styles: “anxious attachment”—defined by a constant need for reassurance from your partner—and “avoidant attachment”—defined by a desire to keep your partner at arm’s length. Both of these styles result from abandonment as a child. Glover recognized similar behaviors among Nice Guys in relationships: many of his patients struggled to be fully intimate with their partner, either smothering them with attention or neglecting them altogether. Thus, we might assume many of these men were abandoned and developed attachment issues in childhood.
Shame: Glover continues by noting that if a boy feels he’s at fault for his abandonment, he’ll eventually believe there’s something wrong with him. From there, he’ll try to change himself to gain his parents’ attention. These self-loathing beliefs are called toxic shame.
(Shortform note: In The Power Of Vulnerability, Brené Brown differentiates between shame and guilt. While guilt arises when we feel bad about our actions, shame comes from feeling bad about ourselves. And unlike guilt, shame is something we tie to our identity. So when a boy experiences shame following abandonment, he’s not under the belief that his actions are bad, but that he himself is inherently bad.)
Self-Doubt: Finally, Glover discusses what happens when a child internalizes his toxic shame: He experiences self-doubt and adopts defense strategies to ward it off. Glover says budding Nice Guys center their coping mechanisms around gaining approval.
(Shortform note: Although self-doubt can be paralyzing, it can also be helpful; a topic Melody Wilding explores in her Ted Talk on using negative thoughts to your advantage. Wilding says that instead of approaching self-doubt as an enemy meant to be obliterated with positivity, you’d be more productive to make it your ally. To do this, she says to employ the name it and reframe it strategy: First, “name” the doubtful stories you tell yourself so you can recognize them when they arise. From there, reframe your self-doubt: Respond to it honestly and answer its concerns. This will affirm your ability to handle the worst should it happen.)
Now that you know what a Nice Guy is, let’s explore the main problems holding him back from a life of self-acceptance, empowerment, and satisfaction.
Whether people-pleasing or caring for everyone but themselves, Nice Guys live their life for everyone but themselves.
They seek external validation: Glover says that Nice Guys use attachments, or external signifiers, to win others’ approval and become “good” in their eyes. Attachments are behaviors, traits, or things you “attach” to your personal value (like always being the first among your friends to own the newest iPhone). Nice Guys don’t value or do these things for themselves but for the sake of others.
Non-Attachment in Buddhism
Glover isn't the only person to highlight the pitfalls of attachments. For centuries, Buddhist teachings have explored this topic, including the concept of "non-attachment," or a state of being in which you sever unhealthy attachments. In the context of Buddhism, attachments aren’t the things you own, but the things in your life that own you. Non-attachment doesn’t mean you can’t buy yourself something nice or enter into a meaningful relationship, but it does stress you not allow these things to control your life.
We can apply this definition of “attachments” and “non-attachment” to Nice Guys: If a man thinks he’s good because his car is always clean, then he’s owned by the need to clean his car. He won’t be free until this act is no longer an attachment but something he does in the present moment for himself (simply to do it).
They conceal their shortcomings and mistakes: To avoid disapproval, Glover explains that Nice Guys go out of their way to hide their true selves, including their perceived flaws. He says to avoid acknowledging their “bad” true selves, Nice Guys will try to fix the reactions to their mistakes rather than accept responsibility for their actions. When “found out,” Nice Guys may become defensive, make excuses, or rationalize.
Why We Get Defensive (and How to Stop)
Why do Nice Guys react to conflict or criticism this way? In his book First Things First, Stephen Covey notes that we often respond with excuses and rationalization when what we want to hear differs from what our conscience tells us is right. To deal with this inner tension, we feel we must explain to ourselves why we’re acting against our better judgment. According to Covey, these are the best ways to avoid this type of behavior:
Recognize how you typically respond to this kind of inner tension—are you an over-explainer? Someone who gets defensive?
Listen to your conscience when it’s trying to tell you something.
Make principle-centered choices, as strong values keep you on track.
They won’t acknowledge their needs: According to Glover, Nice Guys are afraid of others knowing they have needs (so much so that they’ll unconsciously avoid situations in which their needs are likely to be met). This is because their childhood abandonment issues have led them to believe that being needless and wantless is an inherently good trait.
Due to this skewed belief, Glover says Nice Guys lean on a form of manipulation called covert contracts to meet their needs. These are unspoken, unconscious agreements that, to Nice Guys, are implied understandings, but outside parties have no knowledge of their existence. The hope is that both parties will meet each other’s needs without ever acknowledging them: The Nice Guy will do something for someone, and get something back in return. A common example of a covert contract is giving a compliment just to hear one back. In this case, your kind words didn’t come from a genuine place but from a personal need for external validation.
Why We’re Manipulated by Covert Contracts
Although Glover says covert contracts are often ineffective, we do see them “work” to an extent in our day-to-day lives. If a coworker surprises you with a holiday gift and you’re empty-handed, you feel guilty for not giving them something in return despite knowing you never agreed to exchange gifts. What makes us feel this way?
It has to do with what Robert Cialdini—in his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion—calls the reciprocity principle. According to Cialdini, this principle is the innate indebtedness we feel when someone does something for us (even if we didn’t need or want that something in the first place). Cialdini discusses this principle in relation to business and customer relationships, but we can apply it to our interactions with covert contracts. They “work” on us because they take advantage of our reciprocal nature.
Nice Guys often feel powerless because they deny their abilities and their masculinity.
They act like victims in the face of adversity: Glover says Nice Guys often think they lack control in all aspects of life, which only feeds into their feelings of resentment, frustration, and victimization. Glover adds that although unpredictability is a fact of life, Nice Guys have a particularly hard time embracing life’s ups and downs because they (mistakenly) believe life can be straightforward and smooth.
(Shortform note: If having a smooth, easy life isn’t really possible, why are we inclined to believe it is? Psychotherapist Sian Morgan-Crossley explains that this belief stems in part from our tendency to compare ourselves to others. Under the false impression that everyone around us has it easy, we wonder why our lives aren’t easy, too.)
They’re attached to their mothers: According to Glover, Nice Guys who grew up with emotionally needy mothers remain devoted to them in adulthood. This relationship is normal and healthy in boyhood, but eventually, boys must grow up and bond with men to become healthy, masculine adults, and mothers must let their sons go. If a Nice Guy doesn’t have a strong parental presence, this shift may not occur.
Iron John and the Transition of Boys to Men
Glover isn't the only author to discuss the idea that boys must be ushered into manhood by their fathers. Robert Bly also touches on this topic in Iron John: A Book About Men (1990). The book focuses on the development of the “soft male” in the 1950s, while trying to reclaim a masculine identity Bly and Glover agree has been somewhat lost to time.
Like Glover, Bly notes that boys must be initiated into adulthood with the help of their fathers. Unlike Glover, Bly says it’s a son’s job to break away from his mother, as she won’t consciously release him to the dangerous world until he proves he can handle it. With this goal in mind, Bly stresses the importance of initiating a boy into the sphere of men to prepare him for this break.
They’re detached from masculinity and other men: Due to their poor paternal relationships, Glover says Nice Guys grew up associating masculinity with its negative traits, such as aggression and cruelty. Not only does this lead them to suppress their own masculinity (and thus good parts of themselves), but it also makes them isolated from other men. This causes Nice Guys to miss out on the support and companionship that accompanies male community.
(Shortform note: Everyone needs friends (whether they’re a Nice Guy or not). In fact, research has shown that friendships (or a lack of them) affect our physical and mental well-being. One study found men’s male friendships in particular provided more emotional stability, vulnerability, and social fulfilment than their relationships with their girlfriends.)
Here are some more reasons Nice Guys fail to live the life they envision:
They don’t know when to say goodbye: According to Glover, Nice Guys are less likely to leave dysfunctional relationships because they dread loneliness. They would rather stay in a familiar, toxic environment than leave and face themselves.
How to Prepare for a Breakup
Glover isn’t the only author to discuss the struggle of ending a toxic relationship. In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller also note that we’re likely to avoid breakups because our brain anticipates pain and loneliness in the future. Here’s their advice on how to mentally prepare yourself for a breakup:
Reflect on the reality of your relationship. How does your partner treat you? Do you trust each other?
Bolster your network of safe people before you break up. This way, they’ll be prepared to support you when you need it most.
Note your reasons for leaving. Feeling nostalgic? Write down why things ended. Ask your friends and family to remind you why you left in the first place.
They assume they know what women want: Glover emphasizes that women aren’t attracted to “jerks” as many Nice Guys assume. Rather, they’re attracted to fully realized, confident humans. Nice Guys try too hard to be “nice,” “right,” and “good” all the time, which makes for a self-conscious and lifeless shell of a person.
(Shortform note: Why do we find confidence so attractive? It has a lot to do with our own self-esteem. When someone is confident, we tend to assume good things about their skills and personality, often believing that they’re good at all the things we’re bad at. We’re thus drawn to them, as we feel they can protect or look after us.)
They settle for bad sex: Glover explains that a Nice Guy may engage his partner in half-hearted (bad) sex through manipulative or sneaky tactics. He thinks if he focuses hard enough on putting her in a good mood, she will enthusiastically reciprocate no matter what. But this tactic only leads to frustrating sex. Still, to many Nice Guys, bad sex is better than no sex. They continue to engage in partner-focused sexual encounters—which Glover discourages, as it means they ignore their own sexual needs.
(Shortform note: Despite the similarities between Glover’s Ideal Man and Deida’s Superior Man, these authors’ approaches to sex are quite different. While Glover discourages the Ideal Man from partner-focused sex—so he can focus on his own needs—Deida suggests the Superior Man turn his focus outward by prioritizing connection with his woman over his own pleasure. He believes the complete union of masculine and feminine energy is the ultimate goal of sex. Glover, on the other hand, believes pleasure is the main objective.)
We know what’s holding Nice Guys back, but what can you do to live your life as a self-accepting and fulfilled Ideal Man?
Here are some of Glover’s strategies for reaching a point of self-acceptance and living life for yourself:
Self-reflect: Before you can accept yourself, you must look inward and recognize your approval-seeking habits. In order to ID them, ask yourself what you want and what you need, and which habits do and don’t serve your wishes.
Ask What, Not Why When Self-Reflecting
The ultimate goal of self-reflection is self-awareness, but does all introspection lead to this outcome? Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich says not necessarily. Eurich cites multiple studies that show self-reflection isn’t directly correlated to our self-awareness. This doesn’t mean self-reflection is a useless act but that we must do it with intention by asking ourselves what instead of why.
For example, instead of asking why you have a specific attachment, you might ask “What does this behavior do for me?” or “What effect does this behavior have on my self-worth?” Unlike why questions, which may prompt us to think of our past or personal failings, what questions help us name and understand our current emotions or even imagine our potential.
Express your emotions with safe people: Exposing your true self can be scary, so do it with people you trust. Glover says being vulnerable around our safe people helps us combat self-sabotaging beliefs and serves as a reminder that we’re loved, even when we slip up.
(Shortform note: Your safe people can also keep you on track and prevent you from developing tunnel vision. In Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves note that in times of distress, we often get bogged down in the details. But outside parties provide an objective perspective and can help us see the bigger picture, decipher our emotions, and hold us accountable as we move forward.)
Take responsibility for your needs: According to Glover, when you prioritize yourself, you assert new, productive beliefs about yourself, your needs, and how to meet them. Understand that everyone has needs and prioritizing yourself is the only mature, direct, and honest means of satisfying yours.
(Shortform note: Although Deida agrees that the Superior Man is responsible for himself, his interpretation of what this responsibility is differs from Glover’s. Deida believes that in his intimate relationships, the Superior Man is responsible not necessarily for his needs, but for knowing his purpose in life and using it to set goals to keep himself and his woman on track. As a man, Deida says it’s your responsibility to cut through female moods and emotions—as well as your own preoccupations with your duties—and provide you both with a clear direction.)
Here are some of Glover’s strategies for embracing your personal power and masculinity so you can take control of your life:
Welcome fear: Glover asserts the only way to overcome vicious anxiety and fear is to acknowledge it and face what currently scares you. You create new beliefs each time you push through fear.
(Shortform note: Facing your fears is easier said than done, but we can look again to The Way of the Superior Man for advice. When you’re feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or afraid, Deida recommends you let go and open yourself to uncertainty by breathing deeply and speaking your fears. These exercises will allow you to be mentally and physically present with your emotions so you can acknowledge them and move on.)
Set boundaries: It’s hard to embrace your personal power if you let others walk all over you. So, you must take responsibility for how others treat you. Glover stresses that others have no incentive to change if you reinforce their bad behavior by giving in. Once you realize this, you’ll find changing your own behavior (by setting firm boundaries) is a simpler, more rewarding path.
(Shortform note: Nervous about setting boundaries with a loved one or your boss? Psychology scholar Mariana Bockarova encourages you to practice being assertive in all situations to get used to enforcing boundaries. How can you talk to your partner about being mistreated if you can’t tell a server he got your order wrong? By starting small, you can build your way up to setting limits with your loved ones.)
Develop integrity: Instead of defaulting to deceit out of fear, Glover says Nice Guys must develop integrity. According to Glover, the best way to live with integrity is to ask yourself, “What do I think is right?” Then do it. Honesty gives you the power to approach everything with clarity, direction, and sincerity.
(Shortform note: How do you know what’s “right”? In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown stresses the importance of developing strong personal values to guide you through difficult matters of integrity. Without guiding values, we’re more likely to take the easy way out than do what’s right. For example, if you value accountability, you could set a guideline for yourself that says you will own up to your mistakes and avoid making excuses when you do so.)
Bond with other men: Whether hanging out with friends or admiring a role model, Glover urges you to develop solid relationships with other men. Glover says Nice Guys are less likely to smother, resent, or manipulate their partners when they have others they can turn to for support. Additionally, friends and role models can provide new, healthy models of masculinity.
How Do You Make Friends as an Adult Man?
Bonding with other boys in childhood is relatively easy, but what about making friends in adulthood? Speaking from experience, author Ross McCammon explains how he was able to make and develop adult friendships with other men:
Utilize your connections. The partner of your partner’s friends and the parents of your kids’ friends are great places to start.
Turn vague plans into reality. Intentionally schedule your hangouts—even better, make them recurring.
Follow up with texts. Continue communicating when you’re not together.
Here are a few more strategies Glover suggests you embrace to live a satisfying life as an Ideal Man:
Take a new approach the next time around: When entering into new relationships, Glover says to shake things up. Instead of falling back on bad habits (like not setting boundaries) or unproductive mindsets (that your needs don’t matter, for example), start from a place of integrity, self-confidence, and vulnerability from the get-go. Keep things from becoming toxic in the first place.
(Shortform note: Following Glover’s advice and getting a fresh start after a bad relationship can be a bit daunting. When entering into a new relationship after a toxic one, The Good Men Project suggests keeping an eye out for red and green flags. It’s easy to ignore someone’s flaws when you’re just getting to know them, but take note of any concerning behaviors. Don’t forget the positive signs—what makes this person seem like they’ll be trustworthy and supportive?)
Ask for help: No one can do everything alone, so Glover stresses that Nice Guys learn to ask for help. Taking control of your life includes utilizing the people and resources at your disposal.
How to Effectively Ask for Help
Asking for help can be intimidating, especially if you’re a Nice Guy who’s not used to acknowledging when he needs it. But according to business professor Wayne Baker, the most effective way to get help is by making a request that’s SMART:
Specific: Vague requests are less likely to be acted upon.
Meaningful: Explain to whoever you’re asking why you need the help you do.
Action: Tell the other person what tasks they can do to help.
Realistic: Make sure you’re not asking someone to do the impossible.
Time: Give the other person a deadline or timeframe for your request.
Practice healthy masturbation: Glover says Nice Guys need to learn to have good (consensual, natural, vulnerable) sex. One way to practice the tenets of good sex is through healthy masturbation. Like good sex, it’s about doing what feels good and accepting responsibility for your needs and pleasure.
How to Practice Healthy Masturbation
Many sexual and mental health professionals agree that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to masturbate. Here are some tips for practicing healthy masturbation:
Take it slow: Don’t rush through your pleasure. Take your time by experimenting with other parts of your body or changing the speed of your stroke.
Prep your environment: Set the mood for yourself. Make your environment comfortable, sensual, and distraction free.
Pay attention: Be aware of your bodily responses as you pleasure yourself—your breath, your heartbeat, and any tension you might be holding. Understanding your body will only help you control your sexual functions with yourself or with a partner.
Do you pride yourself on being the nicest guy in the world? Does your fear of disapproval lead you to people-please, avoid conflict, and repress parts of yourself? If this sounds like you, you might be what Dr. Robert Glover calls a Nice Guy.
Throughout his time as a marriage and family psychotherapist, Dr. Glover noticed a trend among dissatisfied men: Although they consider themselves kind, generous people, they fail to see their efforts turn into a fulfilling life. In the face of struggle, these men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. However, according to Glover, “being nice” rarely yields the desired outcome and Nice Guys’ insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. Their repetitive, ineffective approach to life leads to unsatisfying intimate relationships, bitterness, and disappointment.
In No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life (referred to throughout this guide as NMMNG), Glover guides you through understanding and overcoming the Nice Guy mindset so that you can become what Glover calls a fully realized and self-accepting “Integrated Male” (who we will from here on out refer to as the “Ideal Man” for simplicity).
Dr. Robert Glover is an author, life coach, and the internationally recognized authority on “Nice Guys.” Formerly a marriage and family psychotherapist (and minister), he now hosts online classes, podcasts, and group therapy focused primarily on empowering recovering Nice Guys. He’s also the founder of TPI (Total Personal Integration) University, which offers classes that help both men and women live with intention.
In addition to NMMNG, Glover has also written Dating Essentials for Men: The Only Dating Guide You Will Ever Need.
As the “Godfather of the Manosphere” (or pro-male corners of the internet) and a regular contributor to many male-centered podcasts and radio shows, Glover has become somewhat of a cult figure among the men’s rights movement and pick-up artists. His long-time dedication to men’s empowerment—specifically in reference to men embracing their masculinity and developing their “game” with women—and his insistence that the modern man cares too much about pleasing women has made him popular among these groups.
Connect with Dr. Glover:
Publisher: Running Press
Originally published as an e-book in the fall of 2000, No More Mr. Nice Guy became a media phenomenon when Glover caught the attention of conservative talk-shows The O’Reilly Factor and The Rush Limbaugh Show. The book was then officially published in winter of 2003 by Running Press. Since then, it’s been translated into eight different languages. Today, it’s one of the top-selling “personal transformation” e-books on Amazon and has sold hundreds of thousands of copies.
The negative connotation around “nice guys” existed long before NMMNG. In fact, there’s an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to the term and the various studies, perspectives, and stereotypes it’s spawned since the mid-20th century.
For instance, you’re probably familiar with the idiom “Nice guys finish last.” This phrase has existed since the 1940s and, although it was originally in reference to playing nice in baseball, it’s since come to encapsulate many of the negative stereotypes associated with the success and dating lives of nice men (such as being pushovers or generally bad with women). Even Glover plays with this phrase in his online class, “Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last, They Rot in Middle Management.”
Starting in the 1990s, sociological and psychological studies began examining the general success (or failure) of men best described as “nice.” These studies were usually based upon women’s opinions of different types of men. For example, one 2003 study wanted to understand why some women say they want a “nice guy” but end up pursuing those who possess other (maybe not-nice) traits. (The study found that women looking for long-term relationships prioritized nice men and those looking for casual hookups prioritized attractive men.) However, these studies mostly failed to define a “Nice Guy,” as its meaning often depended on the subject’s interpretation of the term.
Unlike these studies, Glover approached Nice Guys from a self-reflective, distinctly male point of view. Rather than scrutinize women’s opinions, he tapped into his psychotherapist background and turned instead to Nice Guys’ opinions of themselves and how that affects their approach to life. Today, our popular understanding of what constitutes a “Nice Guy” (in the negative sense) aligns closely with Glover’s definition.
Within the online manosphere, two texts pop up again and again as required reading for men seeking to improve themselves by fully embracing themselves and their masculinity: NMMNG and David Deida’s 1997 The Way of the Superior Man.
Although both authors acknowledge that men lose their way when they repress their true selves, Glover spends more time discussing the traits, origins, and recovery process of Nice Guys (aka “Non-Superior Men”). Deida, on the other hand, focuses more heavily on the inner, spiritual life of the Superior Man (aka Ideal Man) and how it affects his world approach.
Because these texts have equally influenced men’s movements of the 21st century (and overall discussions about masculinity), we will continue to compare and contrast their messages throughout this guide.
The fact that Glover was able to quit his private practice as an LMFT and focus on helping Nice Guys full time (and continues to do so almost two decades later) shows how much of a community has arisen around his program. However, despite Glover’s good intentions and desire to help men become more self-accepting and less bitter—particularly towards women—the online communities that have formed around male-centric texts like NMMNG and Superior Man have taken on a life of their own.
The most controversial of these communities is arguably “The Red Pill.” Deemed so offensive by Reddit that the forum has been quarantined since 2018, this community of men believes women—especially feminists—have stripped all men of their masculine identity. More specifically, the community discusses “sexual strategy” and rigid gender roles.
Despite the fact that Glover actively criticizes Nice Guys who are resentful and furious towards women, many of the men in this community adopted his book as gospel, interpreting it in ways that aligned with their views. For example, when discussing boundaries, Glover says bad behavior from your partner shouldn’t be tolerated or rewarded. He then provides an example: If your puppy kept peeing inside the house, you wouldn’t reward it with a treat for doing so.
While the use of a dog metaphor here might not have been the most sensitive, the Red Pill community took it even farther, interpreting this to mean, “Training a woman or child is no different than training a dog.” Although NMMNG is meant to steer men away from this kind of thinking, Glover’s hard stance on gender roles—including the implication that women and feminism are partially at fault for the existence of Nice Guys—made room for the Red Pill interpretation of his work.
This being said, NMMNG seems to have hit peak popularity within the Red Pill community years ago (it has since been replaced by other texts in the forum’s sidebar). More recently, the book is being reclaimed and discussed by ex-Red Pill men. Having decided to leave the manosphere, these men seem to discuss NMMNG with greater nuance, acknowledging that while the text was helpful in guiding them on their journey to self-acceptance, they disagree with some of Glover’s personal opinions on gender and women.
These (somewhat) opposite communities both find value and insight in NMMNG, demonstrating the text’s ability to be interpreted in different ways based on who’s reading it. Either way, Glover’s text remains both controversial and useful decades later.
As a controversial text, NMMNG has provoked strong positive and negative reactions (although 76% of Amazon reviews give it five stars). As we mentioned, the book first gained popularity on conservative talk-radio and TV, but it ultimately gained a wider readership.
Positive reviewers say they appreciate Glover’s concrete tips and activities, many stating the book “cured” them of their Nice Guy mindset or “saved their life.” Many men say it’s a clear, accessible, and executable program that they saw themselves in.
There are a number of female reviewers who appreciate the book as well. Some women were happy to see the program work for their husband and ultimately improve their relationship, while others read the book for themselves, noting that everyone—male or not—could benefit from much of Glover’s advice.
This being said, there are those who criticize Glover. One of the main complaints from reviewers—of which we saw proof of in the Red Pill community—was that the book is sometimes so vague that two different people with totally different values may come away having read what seems like two different books. Glover’s gender essentialism—the idea that men and women have intrinsic traits due to their gender—is another point of contention for some, as he encourages men to embrace their “innate” masculine qualities.
Further, in her review 15 years after NMMNG was published, author and coach Julia Goodman said she thinks Glover under-emphasizes the ways in which the Nice Guy way of thinking harms women and over-emphasizes how this mindset prevents Nice Guys from getting what they want in life. Knowing Glover’s intended audience (Nice Guys) and the importance he places on defining yourself as a man separate from the women in your life, one can imagine this was an intentional choice.
Many negative reviewers acknowledged they still found parts of the book useful, even if they didn’t always agree with Glover’s points and how he presents them.
Basing most of his arguments on his experiences as a psychotherapist, Glover relies on observation and anecdotal evidence more than specific studies or statistics. This approach makes NMMNG less like a straightforward non-fiction book and more like a multi-step self-improvement program. Here are a few points to keep in mind if you wish to complete Glover’s program in full:
Glover’s original text is divided into nine chapters (not including the introduction and epilogue), each of which can be grouped into three distinct sections:
Within each section (and chapter), Glover does a lot of jumping back and forth between problems and solutions, weaving in patient anecdotes, executable exercises, and—especially in later chapters—many repeated points (presented in slightly different contexts). To reduce repetition and streamline the text’s focus on problems and solutions, we’ve combined some of the book’s chapters—for a total of five parts—to group problems together, then solutions together. We’ve also omitted anecdotes and most of the exercises.
This guide will start by teaching you what it means to be a Nice Guy and why it’s a problem. Then, in Part 2, we’ll explore where this mindset comes from. Part 3 will focus on how Nice Guys live for others and the strategies you can implement to start living for yourself. Part 4 examines how Nice Guys surrender their power and what you can do to reclaim it. Finally, in Part 5, we’ll dive into strategies that will help you find success in love, sex, and your career. Ultimately, this guide will help you go from a passive Nice Guy to a confident, self-accepting Ideal Man who lives life on his own terms.
This first section of the guide defines both Nice Guys and the Ideal Man. We’ll also examine the ways Nice Guys aren’t actually nice.
Overall, the main distinction between the Nice Guy and the Ideal Man is self-acceptance. Glover notes that while the Ideal Man is secure in his self-image, masculinity, and sexuality, the Nice Guy represses his true self (including his masculinity and sexuality).
Glover further defines these types of men via the following traits:
| NICE GUY | Ideal Man |
| Avoids conflict and struggles with boundaries | Handles conflict and establishes boundaries |
| Prioritizes other’s needs and desires over his own | Holds himself accountable for his own needs and desires |
| Ignores his flaws and mistakes | Addresses and learns from his flaws and mistakes |
| Fixes people and situations without prompting | Takes charge and genuinely cares for his loved ones |
| Withholds his thoughts and emotions out of a fear of disapproval | Communicates his thoughts and emotions openly and honestly |
| Isolated and lonely, even among family and friends | Builds healthy, worthwhile relationships with everyone (women and men) |
The Ideal Man and The Superior Man
When it comes to Glover’s Ideal Man and Deida’s Superior Man, both authors end up at similar conclusions: To be a real man, you must wholeheartedly accept yourself as you are.
The Superior Man shares many traits with the Ideal Man, such as the ability to face his fears, release shame and self-doubt, and accept life’s challenges as opportunities for growth. However, Deida’s male archetype differs slightly from Glover’s in his spiritual connection to the world at large. For example, Deida believes the Superior Man is in touch with both masculine and feminine energy—within himself, in those around him, and in the push and pull of the universe. He also notes that the Superior Man knows how to be present and approach every situation with an open and loving heart.
While NMMNG never implies these traits are not part of the Ideal Man, the spiritual aspects of Deida’s Superior Man aren’t a focus for the psychoanalytical Glover. And while Deida doesn't explicitly define an "Inferior Man" equal to the “Nice Guy,” he does hint at undesirable male qualities that are similar to Glover's Nice Guy attributes. For instance, Glover's Nice Guy withholds his true thoughts and emotions; likewise, Deida criticizes men who don't wholeheartedly share their true self and life purpose with others.
While the Nice Guy traits listed above may be interpreted as passive or even annoying, they’re far from mean. But Nice Guys’ suppression of the self—to avoid disapproval, conflict, or strong emotions—leads them to frequent disappointment. Glover stresses that in their frustration with life, Nice Guys are often far from nice. In fact, their indirect and avoidant nature results in an angry cycle of self-victimization:
Nice Guy does something to appear nice → He stews in silent resentment when things don’t automatically go his way → Unable to contain his anger any longer, he eventually lashes out via tantrums, passive-aggressive behavior, or even abuse
Glover notes that because he avoids addressing the root cause of his tantrum—opting to “fix” the reactions of others instead—the cycle continues indefinitely.
The Victim Mentality
This cycle is often referred to as a disorder of its own: the victim mentality. Psychoanalyst Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries presents a similar cycle when discussing victimhood. Just as a Nice Guy believes he must people-please to get what he wants out of life, de Vries’s victim stage is defined by a belief that all control over your life rests in the hands of external forces. And like a Nice Guy’s eventual angry outbursts, his victimizer stage sees the “victim’s” feelings of powerlessness turn into rage that gets taken out on the innocent people around them.
However, unlike Glover, de Vries adds a final rescuer stage, in which the “victim” decides to “rescue” others in an attempt to fix everyone’s problems except their own. When someone tries to help the “victim” in return, they invent reasons to resist this assistance so as to unconsciously affirm their victim status and elicit more attention.
Similar to Glover’s views on becoming an Ideal Man, de Vries believes the best way to break this cycle is to self-reflect and develop a healthy self-image.
Overall, repression, self-pity, and fear bring out Nice Guys’ worst characteristics. This table includes the primary undesirable traits Glover found across many Nice Guys:
| Negative Quality | Reason |
| Deceitful | Their passive and people-pleasing behavior drives them to lie and tell others what they want to hear. |
| Manipulative | Because they think they must conceal their needs, desires, and emotions, they employ indirect tactics to get what they want. |
| Overbearing | To avoid friction, they want you to stand back so they can micromanage and do things the “right” way. |
| Compulsive | Their repression may manifest as self-destructive, compulsive behaviors. These addictions can be drugs, alcohol, or sex (such as porn and masturbation). |
When “Nice Guy” Became an Ironic Misnomer
At his time of writing, Glover wasn’t the only person making the link between “Nice Guys'' and their negative characteristics: Internet culture at the turn of the 21st century brought Nice Guys’ supposed “niceness” under scrutiny. In 2002, Heartless Bitches International—one of the World Wide Web’s first sites made for women, by women—released a series of rants on so-called Nice Guys. Although NMMNG was published digitally in 2000, two years before the rants, HBI’s criticisms are often credited with popularizing the Nice Guy discussion.
HBI’s take on the definition of a Nice Guy aligns closely with Glover’s. They agree that Nice Guys are actually passive and unkind because of their horrible insecurities. However, Glover’s and HBI’s views, and presentation of those views, do differ somewhat. The rant that extends most outside of Glover’s perspective focuses on how Nice Guys appear to women experiencing them first hand. HBI bluntly states that Nice Guys’ behavior makes them look like stupid, needy, fragile, slobby losers (as a humorous blog, HBI uses much harsher language than Glover—something even the men who agree with them call out in the comments). On the other hand, the rant says Nice Guys make women feel smothered, bored, objectified, patronized, and even like losers themselves.
Although they have vastly different approaches and audiences, HBI and Glover arrive at the same conclusion: To overcome your “nice” persona, you must first learn to love yourself.
According to Glover, becoming an Ideal Man requires a serious shift in thinking. Before we can understand how to overcome the Nice Guy mindset, we must first examine how such a mindset forms.
This chapter will define the Nice Guy “paradigm” before diving into how this mindset is developed in childhood.
Paradigms are the models through which we approach the world, but we’re rarely aware of their influence.
We process our experiences through established paradigms. Glover reminds us that this means we’re more likely to accept information that aligns with a set paradigm and reject or ignore information that challenges it. As our experiences reinforce our paradigms, they become more difficult to change because they appear infallible.
(Shortform note: This tendency is also known as confirmation bias: seeking and prioritizing information that fits our prior assumptions. In his book The Black Swan, Nassim Nicholas Taleb discusses how to combat this bias with negative empiricism. By deliberately searching for evidence that contradicts our beliefs, we can come to more objective conclusions.)
According to Glover, the Nice Guy mindset stems from this unproductive roadmap:
Conceal your true self → Be who others want you to be → Have a perfect, fulfilling life
If this plan sounds misguided, it’s because it is. Glover noticed that Nice Guys—like most people—ignore holes in their paradigm and continue to enforce it despite evidence suggesting its ineffectiveness.
Paradigms vs Self-Limiting Beliefs
Since publishing his second book, Dating Essentials for Men, Glover now refers to these unproductive assumptions as “self-limiting beliefs” (or “SLBs”) rather than “paradigms.”
Why the change? The term “paradigm” is somewhat vague and can mean something different depending on the discipline in question. In the 1960s, Thomas Kuhn popularized the term in reference to hard scientific research. In this context, “paradigm” refers to widely held scientific models that affect how research is conducted and interpreted—when enough anomalies are brought against a paradigm, the model changes, and a “paradigm shift” occurs (think the shift from Newton’s theory of gravity to Einstein’s theory of relativity).
Since then, the word has been adopted to generally mean “a change in thinking” by those in the social sciences, business, tech, and more. Science historian Darin Hayton argues that this is a misuse of the term, as Kuhn’s original definition requires more than an individual’s personal reinterpretation of already existing evidence to constitute a “paradigm shift.” It requires evidence to prove that the paradigm is true (or false).
With Hayton’s assertion in mind, we can see how the Nice Guy roadmap isn’t actually a true “paradigm.” No hard evidence exists to “prove” a Nice Guy must be someone other than himself to be happy. Rather, that is his own misguided interpretation of the evidence he is presented with.
For Glover’s purposes, the concept of “self-limiting beliefs” is more appropriate because of its precise definition and targeted use in psychology, self-help, and coaching spheres. According to Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck), SLBs are all the self-imposed falsehoods that keep us from pursuing what we want in life. He further specifies that these beliefs can be about ourselves (“I’m not smart enough for that opportunity”), the world (“No one will ever understand me”), or life itself (“True love is a myth, so why bother”). Through this more specific lens, we can interpret the Nice Guy roadmap as an SLB that says, “No one will ever accept me as I am.”
Glover argues the Nice Guy mindset originates in childhood when a boy learns—explicitly or implicitly from his parents—that he must be “good” to be loved. How does this belief form? It’s a vicious sequence of abandonment, shame, and self-doubt:
Abandonment: Glover begins with the fact that a child is completely dependent on his parents. This—along with the childish belief that the world revolves around him—causes the boy to interpret all forms of inattention or neglect as abandonment. Due to his helplessness, he fears abandonment. And, Glover says, due to his immature ego, he’s likely to blame himself for his abandonment.
Childhood Abandonment and Insecure Attachment
Is childhood abandonment a crucial factor in Nice Guys' later development of unhealthy relationships with others? Psychological research on childhood attachment may suggest so.
According to attachment theory in developmental psychology, children form a specific “attachment style”—or behaviors as they relate to our emotional bonds—largely based on parent-child interactions. The theory also asserts that we carry these attachment styles into our adult relationships.
In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller note this theory assumes children who were raised by responsive caregivers tend to develop a “secure” attachment style, while those who felt abandoned by unresponsive caregivers develop “insecure” attachment styles. They describe two insecure styles: “anxious attachment”—defined by a constant need for reassurance from your partner—and “avoidant attachment”—defined by a desire to keep your partner at arm’s length.
Glover recognized similar behaviors among Nice Guys in relationships: many of his patients struggled to be fully intimate with their partner, either smothering them with attention or neglecting them altogether. Thus, we might assume these men were abandoned and developed attachment issues in childhood.
However, Levine and Heller note that since its inception, attachment theory has developed in nuance. They acknowledge that many factors in addition to the child-parent relationship play into the development of our attachment style. Additionally, they assert that our attachment style is not written in stone, so Nice Guys who experienced abandonment in childhood are in no way “doomed” to be insecure attachers (just as those raised with attentive parents aren’t “safe” from becoming them either).
Shame: Glover continues by noting that if a boy feels he’s at fault for his abandonment, he’ll eventually believe there’s something wrong with him. From there, he’ll try to change himself to gain his parents’ attention. These self-loathing beliefs are called toxic shame.
(Shortform note: In The Power Of Vulnerability, Brené Brown differentiates between shame and guilt. While guilt arises when we feel bad about our actions, shame comes from feeling bad about ourselves. And unlike guilt, shame is something we tie to our identity. So when a boy experiences shame following abandonment, he’s not under the belief that his actions are bad, but that he himself is inherently bad. Therefore, to be “good,” he must repress his true, bad self.)
Self-Doubt: Finally, Glover discusses what happens when a child internalizes his toxic shame: He experiences self-doubt and adopts defense strategies to ward it off. Some children act out in an antagonistic manner for attention, but Glover says budding Nice Guys center their coping mechanisms around gaining approval. If a boy can only convince his parents how “good” he is—through deception and repression—surely he’ll gain their love.
Can Self-Doubt Be a Good Thing?
Although self-doubt can be paralyzing, it can also be helpful; a topic Melody Wilding explores in her Ted Talk on using negative thoughts to your advantage.
Wilding says that instead of approaching self-doubt as an enemy meant to be obliterated with positivity, you’d be more productive to make it your ally. To do this, she says to employ the name it and reframe it strategy: When you “name” the doubtful stories you tell yourself (for example, “I won’t be able to maintain this relationship because I’m not good enough”), you start to notice patterns across them. It’s then easier to stop yourself from spiraling because what you’re dealing with is familiar.
From there, it’s your job to reframe your self-doubt: Instead of fighting it, respond to it honestly and answer its concerns. According to Wilding, this will help you to mentally prepare for the worst if it does happen. It also reaffirms your ability to handle that worst-case scenario.
Glover noticed that although each Nice Guy he worked with came from a different background, each one arrived at the same conclusion: “I’m not acceptable as I am.”
In NMMNG, Glover delves into a handful of his patients’ childhoods. In order to pinpoint some of the environments that can ingrain the Nice Guy mindset early on, we’ve extracted some of the common situations found across the anecdotes:
Do Narcissistic Parents Produce Nice Guys?
Although Glover doesn’t explicitly mention narcissism in NMMNG, some readers have noted how the typical Nice Guy upbringing closely resembles their experience growing up with narcissistic parents. For instance, narcissistic mothers are often “clingy” and rely on their children for emotional support.
Therapist Kathy Caprino notes that narcissistic parents—with their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy—often raise people-pleasing children with low self-esteem and an inability to set boundaries. She further explains that adult children of narcissists are so used to experiencing conditional love from their parents—love that’s dependent on a child meeting certain standards—that they rarely recognize their concept of a healthy relationship involves repression, manipulation, and unrealistic expectations.
As self-doubting, approval-seeking, manipulative individuals, Nice Guys appear to have reached a similar outcome as those raised by narcissistic parents. In fact, The Awareness Centre’s resource for adult children of narcissists states the primary belief held by those raised under such circumstances is: “I’m not good enough.” As this way of thinking reflects the Nice Guy mindset, we could add narcissistic parents as one of the many environments that could shape Nice Guys.
Reflect on your childhood to understand the development of your paradigms (or self-limiting beliefs) and coping mechanisms.
Describe a time in your childhood when you felt neglected or ashamed of yourself (either during a general period or specific incident). What messages about the "right" way to feel or behave may have reinforced your feelings of neglect or shame?
What coping mechanisms did you use to ward off these negative feelings? (For example, did you act out for attention? Become a perfectionist? Hide your failures from others?)
Do you notice any remnants of these coping mechanisms in your life today?
Think about a “safe person” (someone you trust) you would be comfortable sharing this experience with. What kind of feedback or support would you seek from them? (For example, do you just need someone to listen? Be your mirror? Provide affirmations?)
Now that you understand Nice Guys, their basic traits, and the formation of their self-limiting beliefs, the remaining sections of this guide delve into Glover’s strategies for updating this unproductive mindset and working to become an Ideal Man.
This section will focus on identifying the ways Nice Guys live for others—specifically their people-pleasing and caretaking habits—and how this stops them from living the life they’ve envisioned.
Glover repeatedly states that, operating under the belief that no one will love them as they are, Nice Guys will be just about anyone you want them to be. But their approval-seeking strategies usually leave everyone dissatisfied—themselves included. In order to gain approval and avoid disapproval, shape-shifting Nice Guys depend on external validation and the concealment of their shortcomings and mistakes. Let’s explore these two factors in more detail.
Nice Guys’ fixation with external validation is best observed in their reliance on both attachments and women’s approval.
According to Glover, attachments are the external signifiers Nice Guys use to win others’ approval (they “attach” these things to their personal value). These attachments can be something you do to your appearance or a behavior or trait you highlight, such as:
What’s wrong with putting effort into your appearance or doing something kind for a stranger? Nothing, on the surface. Glover asserts that the answer lies in one question: Who are you doing it for?
If you notice yourself doing something solely for the sake of others, Glover says you’re using it as an attachment. A Nice Guy might think a messy desk at work signifies he’s “bad.” So, he becomes obsessed with keeping it clean to assert how “good” he is. (If an Ideal Man keeps his desk at work clean, it’s because he wants to.)
Non-Attachment in Buddhism
Glover isn't the only person to highlight the pitfalls of attachments. For centuries, Buddhist teachings have explored this topic, including the concept of "non-attachment," or a state of being in which you sever unhealthy attachments.
In his podcast episode “Understanding Non-Attachment,” Noah Rasheta—Buddhist lay minister—explains that in the context of Buddhism, attachments aren’t the things you own, but the things in your life that own you. He notes that the tenet of non-attachment doesn’t prevent you from buying yourself something nice or entering into a meaningful relationship, but it does stress that you don’t let these things control your life.
Rasheta emphasizes that at its core, non-attachment is about coming to terms with impermanence. When we release our attachment to something, we’re not necessarily letting go of that thing or relationship altogether, but giving up on our attachment to the permanence of the thing (or its meaning). It’s also about our tendency to compare things, particularly the past, present, and future. Letting go of your attachments helps you exist in the present moment.
We can apply this definition of “attachments” and “non-attachment” to Nice Guys: If a man thinks he’s good because his car is always clean, then he’s owned by the need to clean his car. He won’t be free until this act is no longer an attachment but something he does in the present moment for himself (simply to do it). In this case, the man isn’t concerned with how cleaning his car may reflect on his past or predict his future. Instead, he understands this action doesn’t continue to hold meaning past the moment of its completion.
Glover indicates that even more so than other attachments, Nice Guys connect their self-worth to the moods, behaviors, and approval of women (be it their partner, mother, teacher, and so on). This may cause a Nice Guy to focus solely on his partner’s emotions and opinions (while ignoring his own), but Glover points out that, somewhat concerningly, Nice Guys place women on such a high pedestal (almost to a God-like degree) that they switch between treating ladies with either intense adoration or resentful fury.
If you spend time on social media, you’ve probably seen screencaps from dating and social media apps that demonstrate this behavior:
One minute, a Nice Guy politely reaches out to a woman with adoring compliments. After no response, the Nice Guy changes his tune and lashes out with slurs, insults, and negative generalizations about all women.
Stop Putting Her on a Pedestal
According to counselor and coach Michael J. Formica, the act of idealizing another person (for instance, in the way that Nice Guys idealize women) actually robs them of their personhood. By making them “perfect,” we fail to see their humanity and begin to view them as an object.
Here’s how you can stop putting the women in your life—and people in general—on a pedestal:
Embrace imperfection: If we can view ourselves and those around us as authentically as possible, we’ll see the imperfect reality of the world. From here, we can accept others—not as a perfect object—but as human.
Stop gushing: Compliment your partner and tell her you love her, but don’t overdo it. According to a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, subjects felt uncomfortable when they were led to believe their partner perceived them in a far more positive light than they did themselves (some were so unsettled, they sat farther away from their partner after learning of their apparent intense adoration). Instead of something like “You’re the best person I’ve ever met,” try to acknowledge her successes, talents, and the little things she does for you and your relationship.
Work on yourself: Like many of the issues discussed in this guide, idealizing others often stems from childhood relationships or trauma carried into adulthood. By reflecting on your past, taking time to love yourself (flaws and all), and acknowledging when you’re in love with the idea of her (rather than her as a person), you can more easily remove her from that pedestal.
Nice Guys want to avoid disapproval as much as they want to gain approval. To stave off conflict and criticism, Glover explains that Nice Guys go out of their way to hide their true selves, including perceived flaws (like being late or sad) or everyday parts of being human (like having sexual desires).
Glover discusses a variety of (conscious and unconscious) tactics Nice Guys use to avoid their “bad” selves, but they can be distilled into one goal: Don’t address problems—fix reactions. According to Glover, Nice Guys have trouble accepting responsibility for their actions. They don’t admit fault or address their wrongdoings when they mess up. Instead, he says Nice Guys want to quickly fix the reactions to their mistakes rather than the problem at hand.
Glover takes us through some of the behaviors Nice Guys fall back on when they’re “found out” or forced to confront their mistakes. To demonstrate this response, let’s say a Nice Guy’s wife asks if he remembered to take out the trash (he didn’t). Instead of owning his mistake and saying, “Sorry, I didn’t. I’ll handle that now,” the Nice Guy might…
Justify: “I already did the laundry today, so what’s the big deal?”
Defend: “I was just about to do it. You don’t need to remind me.”
Excuse: “I’ve just been really busy and I thought we were out of trash bags.”
The Nice Guy may also try to rationalize their behavior by bringing up the other person’s mistakes and flaws, or by blaming the other person for the mistake.
Why We Get Defensive (and How to Stop)
Why do Nice Guys react to conflict or criticism this way? In his book First Things First, Stephen Covey notes that we often respond with excuses and rationalization when what we want to hear differs from what our conscience tells us is right. In the case above, the Nice Guy responds this way because his conscience knows he neglected a responsibility, but he doesn’t want to hear his wife point it out (or take out the trash at that moment). To deal with this inner tension, the Nice Guy must explain—both to his wife and himself—why he’s acting against his better judgment.
According to Covey, these are the best ways to avoid this type of behavior:
Recognize how you typically respond to this kind of inner tension—are you an over-explainer? Someone who gets defensive?
Listen to your conscience when it’s trying to tell you something.
Make principle-centered choices, as strong values keep you on track.
According to Glover, Nice Guys’ “unselfish nature” stems not from generosity but a desire to appear unselfish. Consequently, Nice Guys live their lives for others by ignoring their own needs and tending to everyone else (while assuming incorrectly others will do the same).
This behavior, Glover explains, stems from a distorted self-concept in which they believe—and want others to believe—they’re needless, low-maintenance guys (a trait they think is inherently good).
Why Do We Want To Appear “Low Maintenance”?
Although Nice Guys use it in an unproductive way, “low maintenance” can be used as a positive descriptor—a haircut that doesn’t require much upkeep, for example. It’s when we apply this term to human behavior and our relationships that the concept becomes problematic.
According to marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein, the desire to be seen as “low maintenance” often comes from a place of fear. We might fear being viewed as “needy” or fear abandonment if our needs become “too much” for others. She explains that this mindset often develops in childhood when parents ignore, downplay, or overreact to a child’s needs—emotional or otherwise. Epstein emphasizes that because being a selfless caretaker and malleable people-pleaser becomes the goal of the “low maintenance” person, the desire to appear needless—much like the Nice Guy mindset—is tied to a rejection of the self.
Glover asserts that Nice Guys’ “generosity” almost always comes with strings attached.
Covert contracts are the unspoken (and often unconscious) agreements Nice Guys use to get what they want. Outside parties aren’t aware of these contracts, but to Nice Guys, they’re implied understandings. By relying on an indirect route to satisfaction, Nice Guys avoid acknowledging their needs.
According to Glover, Nice Guys assume covert contracts work like this:
I do something for you → You do something for me → We both walk away satisfied, pretending our needs and this transaction never existed
A common example of a covert contract is giving a compliment just to hear one back. When you get a new haircut and no one notices, you might compliment a coworker’s hairstyle to prompt a similar compliment. In this case, your kind words didn’t come from a genuine place but from a personal need for external validation.
Why We’re Manipulated By Covert Contracts
Although Glover says covert contracts often leave Nice Guys disappointed, we do see them “work” to an extent in our day-to-day lives (see our example above). When we hear “I love you,” we’re compelled to say “I love you” back. If a coworker surprises you with a holiday gift and you’re empty-handed, you feel guilty for not giving them something in return. You feel like you owe them despite knowing you never agreed to exchange gifts. What makes us feel this way?
It has to do with what Robert Cialdini—in his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion—calls the reciprocity principle. According to Cialdini, this principle is the innate indebtedness we feel when someone does something for us (even if we didn’t need or want that something in the first place).
Although Cialdini discusses this principle in relation to business and customer relationships, we can apply it to our interactions with covert contracts. Concepts of fairness—like “I scratch your back, you scratch mine”—are so ingrained in our daily lives that we’re already in a position to be manipulated when presented with the “giving” end of a covert contract. Covert contracts can “work” on us because they take advantage of our reciprocal nature.
Glover defines caretaking as spending all your time attending to other people’s needs so that you can avoid your problems, have your needs met, or feel important. Caretaking is, in itself, a covert contract. It’s generosity that stems from neediness rather than love.
Genuinely caring for someone is not the same thing as caretaking. Nice Guys might think they’re caring, but Glover points out some major differences:
| Caretaking | Caring |
| Gives based on the giver’s desires | Gives based on the receiver’s needs |
| Gives to fill a void | Gives out of an abundance of love |
| Gives to get | Gives to give |
The Relationship Between Caretaking and Codependency
The concept of “caretaking” is most commonly discussed in regards to codependent relationships, especially between parent and child.
According to marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, a caregiving parent provides their child with unconditional love and care. Parents who caretake have their own needs in mind when “giving” to their child and often feel righteous or expect something in return for their “self-sacrifice.” These parents typically feel responsible for their child, rather than a responsibility to their child.
Lancer notes how caretakers promote codependency: When a child constantly has things done for him to meet his needs, he learns that 1. he’s not responsible for his own needs and 2. he lacks the confidence and abilities to tend to them. From there, the child grows dependent on his parents and the caretaking evolves into a form of control.
Further, when a child grows up equating love with self-sacrifice—this being a key tenet of his parent’s caretaking, as noted above—this mindset may be carried into his adult relationships. In his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck says this belief results in:
Social sadomasochism: This is an unconscious desire to be hurt in our relationships. The desire comes from an attachment to the moral superiority that comes with being the victim of mistreatment. In this case, you may enjoy feeling like “the good guy.” To uphold this dichotomy, you accept abuse from “the bad guy.”
Destructive nurturing: Otherwise known as caretaking. (In our case, the caretakee becomes the caretaker.)
Thus, codependency is a vicious cycle and caretaking is both a cause and effect of this imbalanced type of relationship.
To stop people-pleasing, you must first identify your approval-seeking habits.
Think about the attachments you use in everyday life to gain external approval. List some of them here. (Remember, this can be something you do to yourself or highlight about yourself—from having a clean car to appearing to be the perfect father.)
Out of the attachments you wrote down, which would you stop doing if you weren’t concerned about what others think? Why?
In general, how might you live differently if the judgment of others was no concern? What would you start doing in this case? List what comes to mind.
Look at the list of behaviors or actions you’d like to start—pick one. What’s stopping you from doing this?
Sometimes we need a reminder that we’re loved despite our flaws and mistakes.
Think of a situation in which you tried to hide a personal flaw or mistake. What concealment strategies (lying, rationalizing, distracting, and so on) did you use?
Consider the effectiveness of your strategies. Did your tactics successfully erase this flaw or mistake?
Were you still loved and supported by those around you after this incident? How might you have approached the situation differently if you knew you had their support no matter what?
Now that you understand the ways and mechanisms that cause Nice Guys to live for others, let’s focus on how to live for yourself.
We’ll start with how to reach a point of self-acceptance. Then, we’ll focus on the next step: prioritizing yourself so you can take responsibility for your own needs.
The first goal of the Ideal Man is self-approval. This journey begins by looking inward—rather than outward—for approval. Glover notes that to be truly intimate with yourself and others, you must wholeheartedly be yourself.
Here are Glover’s self-acceptance strategies:
Before you can accept yourself, you must look inward and recognize your approval-seeking habits. In order to ID them, ask yourself what you want.
Observe your day-to-day behaviors. Glover suggests you take a minute to acknowledge not only what you do but why you do it, especially in regards to your attachments. Ask yourself:
Ask What, Not Why When Self-Reflecting
The ultimate goal of self-reflection is self-awareness, but does all introspection lead to this outcome? Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich says not necessarily. Eurich cites multiple studies that show self-reflection isn’t directly correlated to our self-awareness. This doesn’t mean self-reflection is a useless act but that we must do it with intention.
Although Glover encourages us to consider why we do the things we do, Eurich urges us to instead ask ourselves what questions when self-reflecting to make that reflection more intentional and productive. For example, instead of asking why you have a specific attachment, you might find it more productive to phrase this question as “What does this behavior do for me?” or “What effect does this behavior have on my self-worth?”
According to Eurich, why questions (“Why do I feel this way”) are more likely to prompt us to think of our past or personal failings, or launch us into the victim mentality. Meanwhile, what questions (“What am I feeling right now?”) help us name and understand our current emotions or even imagine our potential. In her own studies, Eurich found those who both practiced self-reflection and developed self-awareness always focused on the what.
Are why questions ever appropriate? Eurich says yes, but we should save our whys for problems in our environment (“Why did this experiment fail?”) and our whats for issues of the self (“What do I value?”).
Glover states that because Nice Guys doubt their self-worth, they rarely do nice things for themselves. But taking good care of yourself is necessary to assert your value. Additionally, spending time with yourself gives you the opportunity to reflect on your wants, needs, feelings, and general life direction. Most importantly, Glover says, you make the decisions during this me-time. Ask yourself what care you need (or even want) in the moment.
Self-care can be as simple as drinking more water throughout your day or as elaborate as taking a dream vacation. According to Glover, two dissonant ideas come together when Nice Guys start caring for themselves:
But like anything, self-care is a matter of practice. The more you do it, the more often the little voice that says “You’re worth it!” will win out.
Making Time for Self-Care
A common myth about self-care is that we just don’t have time for it. But with your self-worth and well-being at stake, self-care should be a priority rather than a luxury.
Here are some tips for working regular self-care into your daily schedule:
Just say no: Self-care doesn’t have to involve adding lots of activities on top of your already busy life. Sometimes you can simply refrain from things that cause you stress or negative emotions. For example, if you find social media to be a crutch or wasteful time-suck, deleting the social apps from your phone could be an instant act of self-care (and may even free up more of your time). Saying “no” to something that you can’t or don’t want to do is another act of self-care that only gives you more of your time back.
Schedule it: Thinking of self-care as an if-I-get-to-it activity is a surefire way to make sure it doesn’t happen. This is why scheduling it, as you would any meeting or appointment, is essential. You don’t need to block out hours on end for self-care but find brief, regular moments to take for yourself. You could include a short walk outside during your lunch break. Or maybe you wake up 15 minutes earlier to start your day with a quick workout. Even five minutes of meditation can help break up your day. Making self-care part of your daily routine will help it become habit.
Get some help: If you feel like your days are simply too busy to make any time for yourself, it’s time to utilize your resources. This might mean using technology or other services to optimize your time (like a meal delivery service to cut down on cooking). But it also includes asking those around you to help with your workload. Ask your neighbor to watch the kids for a night so you and your partner can have a date night. In the time it takes your roommate to do the dishes you could do a face mask and take a nice hot shower.
Simple Self-Care Techniques
Embracing and caring for the power of your mind, body, and spirit doesn’t need to be difficult. Here are a few more ways you can practice self-care regularly:
Mind: Read a book, keep a journal, dive into a hobby, declutter your space, take a mental health day
Body: Eat healthy foods, get a good night’s sleep, get a massage, cut down on intoxicants, go to the doctor or dentist
Spirit: Spend time with friends, treat yourself to a gift, enjoy music, relax (in nature, in the bath—whatever you need)
Glover suggests using positive affirmations—or constructive statements that challenge old beliefs—to help you push through moments of self-doubt. Tell yourself you’re lovable, important, and capable in a way that works best for you.
Glover wants you to remember that affirmations alone cannot change a person. However, he says they help reinforce productive habits and combat negative thoughts.
While we encourage you to create your own, here are some example affirmations to get you started:
Do Positive Affirmations Actually Work?
In his review of scientific literature on positive affirmations, addictions counselor Steve Rose noticed that positive affirmations don’t often work the way we expect them to. Despite claims that affirmations help us battle our worst thoughts and moods, studies show that isn’t totally accurate. One study found that using affirmations we don’t already believe may actually make us feel worse. Another noticed that while listening to positive affirmations may help boost your mood, reading them may lead to unproductive self-reflection.
This doesn’t mean positive affirmations are useless, but if you find they make you feel worse, don’t force it. You can’t compel yourself to instantly accept something you don’t believe—yet.
So when do positive affirmations work? Rose says they’re better for affirming beliefs you already hold. One study found stating your values or beliefs out loud can boost your motivation or guide your internal compass.
As you start to discover the real you, Glover recommends keeping a support system or “safe people” around to help you through ups and downs (he prefers a support group of other men). Exposing your true self can be scary, so do it with people you trust.
According to Glover, our safe people help us combat self-sabotaging beliefs and serve as a reminder that we’re loved, even when we slip up. Although we’ve stressed the importance of internal validation, external affirmations from safe people like “I’m proud of you,” and “We’re here for you no matter what,” help reverse unproductive beliefs.
(Shortform note: In addition to affirmations, your safe people can keep you on track and prevent you from developing tunnel vision. In Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves note that in times of distress, we often get bogged down in the details. But outside parties provide an objective perspective and can help us see the bigger picture, decipher our emotions, and figure out a path forward. They suggest explicitly telling those in your life about your personal goals, as they can hold you accountable through related challenges and choices.)
If Nice Guys are selfishly unselfish when prioritizing others, Ideal Men must be unselfishly selfish by putting themselves first. According to Glover, there’s only one way to become unselfishly selfish: Take responsibility for your needs. When you prioritize yourself, you assert new, more productive beliefs about yourself, your needs, and how to meet these needs. Everyone has needs and prioritizing yourself is the only mature, direct, and honest means of satisfying them.
(Shortform note: Although Deida agrees that the Superior Man is responsible for himself, his interpretation of what this responsibility is differs from Glover’s. Deida believes that in his intimate relationships, the Superior Man is responsible not necessarily for his needs, but for knowing his purpose in life and using it to set goals to keep himself and his woman on track. As a man, Deida says it’s your responsibility to cut through female moods and emotions—as well as your own preoccupations with your duties—and provide you both with a clear direction.)
Glover suggests you start small: Try putting yourself first for a week. Let those in your life know about your experiment and what you hope to gain from it. At the end of the week, check in with yourself and your loved ones. What changed?
Men in Glover’s support group participated in the same weeklong challenge. In the end, he noticed his patients’ covert contracts and resentment-fueled outbursts began to disappear. They were finally in a position to genuinely care for their loved ones. No longer smothered, their partners were free to prioritize themselves in return.
Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty for Prioritizing Yourself
Although, as the example of Glover’s support group shows, prioritizing yourself can have many positive effects, many of us still feel guilty for doing so. If you’re experiencing guilt because you believe prioritizing yourself...
Makes you a narcissist: Science says you can throw this thought away entirely. According to psychotherapist Dr. Jon Belford, if this worry is keeping you from caring for yourself, you’re not a narcissist as this thought wouldn’t even cross a true narcissist’s mind.
Is all about personal, instant gratification: Define what putting yourself first really means. This isn’t about “feeling good” or “indulging,” it’s about doing what you need to do for your wellbeing.
Takes time away from something or someone else: There will always be something else you could be doing, but taking care of your needs makes you a more available and present partner, parent, or employee/leader. So you’re not doing it “at the expense” of something else. You’re doing it so you can be a more caring person.
Before committing to change, you need strong foundational support.
Think about the “safe people” (those you wholeheartedly trust) in your life. Which of those people would make the best advocates in your self-improvement journey? Write down the top three who come to mind.
Consider what you hope to gain from the process of becoming an “Ideal Man.” How can your safe people support you through this process?
Now think about approaching one of your safe people. What method of communication will you use (a phone call, face-to-face, a public or private setting)? What personal issues do you want to discuss with this person, and how will you ask for their support?
We have to voice our needs if we want them to be met. Swap your covert contracts for direct communication.
Think of a covert contract that exists between you and your significant other. As per this unspoken agreement, what do you give? And what do you expect in return?
How do you feel when this contract fails and your needs remain unmet? How do you respond (insults, passive-aggressive behavior, tantrums)?
What could you say to your significant other to clearly and directly communicate this need? Do you think this would be a more effective route to satisfying your needs? Why or why not?
Now that you understand how to live for yourself (and why Nice Guys fail to do this), we’re going to focus on the inherent power Nice Guys deny and Ideal Men embrace.
Before we tackle strategies for empowerment, this section will look at the powerlessness Nice Guys experience when they deny their abilities and masculinity. We’ll also explore some of the societal changes that affected Nice Guys’ perception of other men.
Calling Nice Guys wimps may sound harsh, but Glover acknowledges that’s often how they act when in the throes of the victim mentality. Between this mentality and his unproductive beliefs, a Nice Guy thinks he lacks control in all aspects of his life, which only feeds into his feelings of resentment, frustration, and powerlessness.
Glover adds that Nice Guys have a particularly hard time embracing life’s ups and downs because they believe life can (and should) be straightforward and smooth. (They even fear success because of their perfectionist tendencies and the pressure the spotlight brings.) Ultimately, they set themselves up for disappointment because unpredictability is a fact of life.
Do We Really Want an Easy Life?
If we’re set up to feel cheated by thinking a smooth, easy life is possible, why are we inclined to believe it’s possible in the first place?
Psychotherapist Sian Morgan-Crossley explains that this belief stems in part from our tendency to compare ourselves to others. Under the false impression that everyone around us has it easy, we wonder why our lives aren’t easy, too. Health educator Donnovan Somera Yisrael adds that as humans, we’re evolutionarily inclined to seek out stability. Like our ancestors who sought reliable food, water, and shelter, our longing for certainty is innate. So don’t beat yourself up too much for fearing the unknown—it’s human nature.
But Morgan-Crossley reminds us that an easy life is one of stagnation. Without challenges, we can’t grow. In fact, one study on post-traumatic growth found that pushing through adversity can boost our resilience and wisdom, which contributes to our overall well-being. Another study noticed that while people currently facing hardships struggle to recognize and appreciate life’s pleasures, those who find themselves on the “other side” of adversity—at least in the moment—have an increased capacity for appreciating the little things.
The idea of an easy life may sound appealing but in practice, it would leave us bored and looking for more.
When Nice Guys repress their masculinity, they deny a core part of themselves and their potential power. Between their parental relationships and some major societal shifts in the 20th century, Glover says Nice Guys grew up believing masculinity was inherently bad. This belief has prompted generations of increasingly passive Nice Guys who are:
According to Glover, Nice Guys who grew up with emotionally needy mothers remain devoted to them in adulthood. This relationship is normal and healthy in boyhood, but eventually boys must grow up and bond with men to become healthy, masculine adults.
Ideally, Glover says, a boy becomes a man with help from his mother and father:
His mother attends to his needs as a child. It’s her job to discourage dependency—including her own—by ensuring her needs are met.
His father’s job is to be present and actively bond with his son, which guides the boy from a matriarchal sphere of influence into the world of men.
However, Glover noticed many Nice Guys don’t go through this transition. Without a strong paternal presence, both mother and son become codependent. Unable to individuate from his mother, a momma’s boy grows up to be a momma’s man. Glover has witnessed these Nice Guys struggle in future intimate relationships, as their partners realize their attention and devotion lie elsewhere.
Iron John and the Transition of Boys to Men
Glover isn't the only author to discuss the idea that boys must be ushered into manhood by their fathers. Robert Bly also touches on this topic in Iron John: A Book About Men (1990), a book often discussed as a logical predecessor to Glover’s NMMNG. The book focuses on the development of the “soft male” in the 1950s, while trying to reclaim a masculine identity Bly and Glover agree has been somewhat lost to time.
Like Glover, Bly notes that boys must be initiated into adulthood with the help of their fathers. Unlike Glover, Bly says it’s a son’s job to break away from his mother, as she won’t consciously release him to the dangerous world until he proves he can handle it. With this goal in mind, Bly stresses the importance of initiating a boy into the sphere of men. In many cultures, coming-of-age rituals will do this by 1. simulating a separation between a boy and his parents and 2. teaching a boy to tend to his “wounds” (physical, emotional, or otherwise) in a healthy way.
Similar to what Glover observed in Nice Guys, Bly says a boy who never experiences this kind of initiation may adopt the role of a victim because he has no productive means of dealing with his wounds and overcoming his codependent relationships.
According to Glover, whether inside or outside of the home, boys struggle to find male role models—including in our current public education system. Glover claims that throughout the 20th century, schools saw an increase in female teachers. At the time of NMMNG’s publication, 15% of American elementary school teachers were male, meaning more often than not, impressionable boys tend to be surrounded by mostly women. Glover says boys become accustomed to seeking women’s approval during these early school years.
(Shortform note: As of 2018, the number of male elementary school teachers in America has dropped to 11%. But the shift to a women-dominated education system didn’t begin in the 20th century as Glover implies (although the number of female teachers did continue to grow at that time). In fact, the trend began as far back as the mid-19th century when the American public school system began. Just a few decades after its inception, more than half the teachers in America were women. Education being seen as “women’s work” is one of the reasons teaching remains an underappreciated and underpaid position, which in turn drives men away from the profession.)
To Glover, masculinity is self-sufficiency. Positive masculine traits support the survival of the individual, family, and community, such as determination, strength, bravery, honesty, and passion. However, he also believes masculinity includes harmful traits like aggression, ferocity, and cruelty.
The above destructive traits cause Nice Guys’ fear of masculinity. But while repressing this “dark side,” Glover says they bury their positive masculine traits as well, which makes them: insecure, cowardly, unambitious, and lifeless.
What Masculinity Means to the Superior Man
While Glover and Deida both believe men will benefit from embracing their masculinity, their definitions of the concept differ extensively.
As the more overtly spiritual of the two, Deida doesn’t simply discuss masculinity, but masculine energy. According to him, we all have the capacity for masculine and feminine energy. He breaks these energies into two simple categories: those who ravish (masculine) and those who desire to be ravished (feminine). Deida believes it’s up to you to decide which energy you align most with. That being said, he specifies that The Way of the Superior Man is intended for men who align with the masculine.
Deida stresses the importance of the polar attraction between the masculine and the feminine, so he further defines both energies through what they can give the other. He sees the following as masculine “gifts” to the opposing feminine:
Unconditional love
Stability
Security
Decisiveness
An analytical perspective
While Glover’s understanding of masculinity is largely based on what a man is capable of, Deida’s concept lies more in what it feels like to be a man and how this specific energy positively contributes to his relationships and the overall balance of the universe.
What caused this detachment from positive masculine traits? Glover sums it up through a major historical change in 20th century America: the shift from rural life to urban life. From the turn of the 20th century onward, America went from an agrarian society to one of primarily urban industry and office jobs. Glover says this caused young men to develop different relationships with their parents:
Fathers: When families worked on farms, boys toiled alongside their fathers and other male family members. Once urban life became the norm, fathers spent their days at an office away from their sons. Boys lost regular contact with their fathers and stopped seeing them hard at work.
Mothers: With dads away at the office, mothers assumed the role of both parents. It was now Mom’s job to teach her sons the ways of men. This meant boys saw masculinity filtered through a feminine lens, which increased their detachment from other men.
(Shortform note: According to the Marriage and Family Encyclopedia, urbanization completely redefined the family unit, work, and even concepts of personal responsibility. But it wasn’t just boys who suffered from the breakdown of the pre-urbanized rural family unit—married women and mothers also experienced a loss of kinship. Smaller families, the dispersal of the extended family unit, and the marginalization of unpaid “domestic” work caused women to become more isolated and lose the support systems they once had. As we've already noted, Glover believes that lonely, emotionally starved mothers form unhealthy attachments to their sons. It seems urbanization helped set the stage for this type of codependent relationship.)
Due to an overall lack of positive male bonding, Glover says Nice Guys aren’t equipped to develop healthy relationships with fellow men. They pride themselves on being the opposite of their fathers and other men: attentive (to women), accommodating, even-keeled, and patient. This causes them to miss out on the support and companionship that accompanies male community.
The Importance of Friends and Why Men Struggle to Make Them
Everyone needs friends (whether they’re a Nice Guy or not). In fact, research has shown that friendships (or a lack of them) affect our physical and mental well-being. One study found that our close relationships with friends have a bigger impact on our lifespan than the strength of our familial relationships: Participants with the most friends were discovered to live 22% longer than those participants with the least amount of friends.
So if friendships are an integral part of a satisfying life, why do adult men struggle to form them (specifically with other men)? There are a few reasons:
Men bond around experiences. While women tend to bond by discussing their lives and emotions, men relate to each other via shared activities (like sports or camping). One study found about 40% of male participants compartmentalized their friendships: Female friends were said to be intimate confidants, while male friends were there for engaging in decidedly male activities with. As men grow up, finding the time, space, and energy for these kinds of shared activities becomes increasingly difficult.
Men are more likely to prioritize their marriage and career over friendships. In their book The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-first Century, Drs. Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz recall their 1980s study that examined social isolation in America. They found that even more than women, men (regrettably) put their friendships on the backburner to focus on their career, marriage, and family.
Men’s brains might not be wired to excel at interpersonal communication. In 2014, neuroscientists conducted the largest study on sex differences in our neural pathways. These researchers found women’s neural pathways appeared to work left to right—or between hemispheres—whereas men’s brains were structured to work front to back within one hemisphere. Women’s interhemispheric communication allows them to easily connect the analytical and the intuitive, making them better equipped for interpersonal communication. Men’s intrahemispheric communication connects perception with coordinated action, making them better equipped for learning and performing tasks that require coordination.
Glover argues that various 20th-century social movements contributed to men's increasing feelings of isolation from one another:
The Anti-War Movement: According to Glover, the Vietnam War deepened the chasm between Baby Boomers and their fathers’ generation. World War II veterans took pride in fighting for their country, while their sons of the 1960s protested Vietnam. Unlike their fathers, the young men of the Anti-War movement preached peace and love over bombs and war.
The Post-Vietnam Distrust Between Generations
In her article “Fathers, Sons, and Vietnam,” sociologist Tracy Karner explores the distrust that arose between WWII veterans and their sons after the latter group returned from Vietnam. She takes Glover’s point further, emphasizing the feelings of betrayal that arose when sons heading overseas—who were told stories of valiant, necessary war in which the US was a “winner”—found the opposite of what their fathers had described. Further, upon their return, the lack of resources offered to Vietnam veterans (as compared to those after WWII) made these young men feel left behind. These sons found the America their fathers had described to be a myth.
Between Vietnam, Watergate, and shifting morals of the 1960s and 70s, this “crisis of credibility” forced the younger generation to question all forms of authority—including their fathers and their brand of masculinity.
Second-Wave Feminism: During the women’s liberation movement of the 1960s, women continued to break free from their assumed roles while men grew increasingly confused about their role in society. In particular, Glover says young men internalized radical feminist slogans that asserted men were bad or useless. Nice Guys were already scrambling to please women—and now they believed they had to try even harder. This obsessive focus on solely women’s approval continued to isolate men from one another.
Were Men Negatively Impacted by “Feminist Slogans”?
While the impact of feminist movements on gender roles and societal values is clear, there’s little concrete evidence to back up Glover’s claim that the second-wave’s “radical slogans” negatively affected the egos of young men. In fact, these “damaging” slogans likely didn’t exist to the degree that Glover implies, or at least weren’t mainstream enough to affect an entire generation of men.
Unlike first-wave feminism—which focused on women’s voting and property rights—the women’s liberation movement of the mid-to-late 20th century turned its sights on women’s roles in the home and workplace, reproductive rights, legal inequalities, judgmentcto sexism, as well as domestic and sexual violence towards women. With these goals in mind, the most prominent slogan of the second-wave movement was not a tirade against men but, “The personal is political.” This phrase sought to highlight the fact that women’s everyday experiences were entrenched in their unequal political and social status. Its impact inspired women to weave political activism into their daily lives and prompted the creation of feminist consciousness-raising groups.
The main slogan Glover takes issue with is “All men are rapists,” which comes from Marilyn French’s novel The Women's Room (1977). (However, the full quote is: “All men are rapists, and that's all they are. They rape us with their eyes, their laws, and their codes.”) The book explores a range of women involved in the liberation movement and that particular phrase is said by a character meant to represent militant radical feminists, not mainstream feminism. Although French’s novel was a New York Times bestseller the year of its release, it was considered a text for “hardcore feminists” and was critiqued harshly in the media for its portrayal of men. Thus, it’s difficult to imagine this slogan permeating pop culture and the minds of young men in the way Glover describes.
With the context of this phrase in mind, as well as a lack of historical or psychological research on the impact of these “slogans” on men, we don’t have hard facts to corroborate Glover’s observations on this topic.
As we discussed, Nice Guys tend to view themselves as helpless, isolated victims on life’s roller coaster. But know that if you can take responsibility for your self-worth and your needs, you can take responsibility for your power as well.
This section first covers Glover’s strategies to help you tap into your personal power in the face of uncertainty. Then we’ll show you how to find empowerment in your masculinity so you can take control of your life and set an example for future generations.
To break the cycle of self-victimization, Glover says a Nice Guy must change his relationship with fear, uncertainty, and the general “un-smoothness” of life. In the face of unpredictability, he must cultivate his personal power. Glover defines personal power as the ability to handle life's challenges with confidence. It’s not defined by a lack of fear, but a capacity to manage and grow from it.
(Shortform note: When it comes to leadership development, personal power is often discussed in opposition to positional power, which refers to the power our position holds in a set hierarchy or organization. Positional power doesn’t come from a place of charisma or respect but from merely pulling rank. In this context, our personal power refers to our ability to command respect and attention no matter our hierarchical position. But whether you’ve tapped into your personal power for your own sake or for the sake of influencing others, it comes from a place of self-acceptance, honest communication, and confidence.)
If recovering Nice Guys embrace Glover’s following strategies, they’ll be better equipped to assert their power while welcoming life’s challenges:
To reclaim your personal power, Glover insists you first surrender. This doesn’t mean giving up completely but instead acknowledging what you can and can’t control. For example, you can’t control the actions and reactions of others, but you can control your own. Surrendering to the unpredictability of the universe lifts a burden from your shoulders: You can only control what you can control.
(Shortform note: In his book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie also urges you to accept what you can’t control as a way to curb anxiety. Instead of giving up entirely or attempting to change the unchangeable, he suggests you cooperate with your circumstances as they are. Say you intend to make an omelet, but it falls apart before you can get it on your plate. Don’t fret that you can’t put the omelet back together—let go of your expectations and enjoy the tasty scramble you just made.)
Surrendering includes curbing your perfectionism. Glover notes that “perfectionism” doesn’t mean doing everything perfectly—it means obsessing over every mistake or small imperfection to a detrimental degree. No project or undertaking is ever perfect. Once you stop expecting and striving for perfection, you’ll be free to take risks and follow what works for you.
Brené Brown on Perfectionism
Glover isn’t the only author to discuss the perils of perfectionism. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown decries perfectionism, arguing it’s often driven by a desire to control how others perceive you. According to Brown, striving for perfection is less about avoiding mistakes and more about avoiding the judgement and shame of others. We know Nice Guys avoid judgment and shame at all costs, so it’s unsurprising perfectionism is a common coping mechanism among them.
Like Glover, Brown agrees that perfection is impossible to attain, but she takes it a step further: Even trying to appear perfect is unrealistic. Thus, the real danger of perfectionism comes from the incredibly high standards we set for ourselves and the negative emotions that arise when we inevitably fail to meet them. With Brown’s framing of perfectionism in mind, we can see how greater self-acceptance and letting go of your high expectations could help to curb perfectionism in Nice Guys.
Fear is a normal part of life, but Nice Guys have a less-than-healthy relationship with it. Glover says that for a Nice Guy, fear is a constant reminder of every stressful, uncomfortable, and dangerous situation they’ve ever experienced. This fear-response tends to make Nice Guys overly cautious and risk avoidant.
Glover asserts the only way to overcome vicious anxiety and fear is to acknowledge it and face what currently scares you. Just as self-care and prioritizing yourself help enforce a new self-concept, you create new beliefs each time you push through fear.
How the Superior Man Deals With Fear
Facing your fears is easier said than done, but we can look again to The Way of the Superior Man for advice on how to approach these situations. When you’re feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or afraid, Deida recommends you let go and open yourself to uncertainty by:
Focusing on your breath. Release the tension in your body by standing up straight and breathing deep into your belly. Allow yourself to be physically and mentally open to what you’re experiencing.
Speaking your fears. By acknowledging and describing your fears and how they affect you, you allow yourself to be emotionally open to your present feelings.
Once you’re fully open to whatever life may throw at you, Deida agrees there’s only one thing left to do: Face it head-on.
Nice Guys must learn to set boundaries. Glover argues that even if Nice Guys have boundaries in theory, they tend to give in without much force. In keeping the peace, they hope others will stop violating their wishy-washy limits.
(Shortform note: In Dating Essentials for Men, Glover discusses a type of boundary-crossing that he calls shit tests. This term refers to anything a woman does—whether conscious or unconscious—to test the validity and limits of her man’s boundaries. Although men should never accept mean behavior, Glover says standing firm against a woman’s shit tests in particular is a great way to demonstrate your strength, stability, and capacity to be a man.)
It’s hard to embrace your personal power if you let others walk all over you. But like taking responsibility for your needs, you must take responsibility for how others treat you. Glover stresses that others have no incentive to change if you reinforce their behavior by giving in. Once you realize this, you’ll find changing your own behavior (by setting firm boundaries) is a simpler, more rewarding path.
Glover’s advice for setting boundaries is as follows: If your partner exhibits behaviors that make you uncomfortable, ask, "Would I still be interested in this person if I experienced this on a second date?" If the answer is no, then you know you need to set a boundary. This rule helps you take a step back and realize when you’re being treated unfairly.
Tips for Setting (Lasting) Boundaries
Glover’s advice on boundary-setting is arguably limited, since it refers only to setting boundaries in romantic relationships. Here are some more tips on how to set boundaries that stick that are applicable to any relationship (be it romantic, familial, or even professional):
Author Mark Manson suggests you have set consequences for others for violating each of your boundaries. This will make you more likely to stick to your guns and follow through no matter the person or the context. But don’t forget to communicate these consequences to the relevant parties. (You wouldn’t want your boundaries to become covert contracts, now would you?)
Psychology scholar Mariana Bockarova encourages you to practice being assertive in all situations to get used to setting boundaries. How can you talk to your partner about being mistreated if you can’t tell a server he got your order wrong? By starting small, you can build your way up to setting limits with your loved ones.
Wellness consultant Alex Elle reminds us that although boundaries should be clearly defined, they’re not set in stone. Just as we change over time, so can our boundaries. Keep asking yourself what you need in the moment and adjust your limits accordingly.
Codependency recovery coach Hailey Magee says we must learn how to accept the boundaries of others while asserting our own. We should thank others for their vulnerability and clear communication when they successfully set a boundary, as we can learn from their example.
Instead of defaulting to deceit out of fear, Glover says Nice Guys must develop integrity. This can be difficult, as their tenuous grasp on the truth is related to their flimsy grasp on reality. Nice Guys can’t behave truthfully when their actions are based on projection or delusions (like their self-limiting beliefs).
To combat this, Glover encourages you to take a step back and ask yourself if your actions and behaviors are in response to reality. Are you projecting old insecurities onto your current partner? Or maybe you feel your boss is the only thing holding you back when your attitude is part of the problem. Responding to reality allows you to make realistic and productive decisions about the matter actually at hand. The truth isn’t always easy, but responding to reality with integrity is much easier than the stress of being “found out” or tackling each day from a place of fantasy.
According to Glover, the best way to live with integrity is to ask yourself, “What do I think is right?” Then do it. Integrity gives you the power to approach reality—be it your relationship or job—with clarity, direction, and sincerity.
(Shortform note: How do you know what’s “right”? In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown stresses the importance of developing strong personal values to guide you through difficult matters of integrity. Without guiding values, we’re more likely to take the easy way out than do what’s right. She recommends choosing two core values that you truly believe in—such as authenticity, compassion, loyalty, and so on—then setting up guidelines for what these values look like in practice. When you ask yourself “What’s right?” you’ll have firm principles to keep you on track. For example, if you value accountability, you could set up a guideline that says you will own up to your mistakes and avoid making excuses when you do so.)
If a Nice Guy wishes to feel empowered and get a handle on his relationships with men, women, and life in general, he must reclaim his masculinity. This reclamation means embracing your manhood and all its traits. To get back in touch with and draw on the power of your masculine self, Glover recommends you:
Glover stresses that when Nice Guys develop close male friendships, they reap the rewards and support of community.
How do you connect with other men? Glover says to make plans and hang out! You and the guys can do anything you want, such as:
How Do You Make Friends in Adulthood?
To make plans with friends, you have to have friends. As children, we find ourselves in situations (like school) that are ripe for making friends. However, in adulthood, we get busy, people move, and new relationships (such as partners or kids) take time away from building friendships.
But if you don’t have many (or any) friends, you’re not alone—the phenomenon of the friendless or lonely adult has been documented in countless surveys. One survey of over 20,000 American adults found 2 in 5 feel isolated and lack meaningful relationships. Another found that the average American adult hasn’t made a new friend in 5 years.
So what can we do to make friends in adulthood? In “An Adult’s Guide to Social Skills, for Those Who Were Never Taught,” NYT journalist Eric Ravenscraft says it starts with self-motivation—you must decide you’re going to make new friends and actively put yourself in situations where that may happen. Once you’ve put yourself out there, be brave and start a conversation with someone new.
But how do you naturally start that conversation? Author David Hoffeld compiled the findings of various behavioral studies to answer this question. Once we realize we grossly underestimate strangers’ willingness to chat, we can approach new people with these three proven steps:
Look approachable—smile. We feel more optimistic ourselves when we do so. Also, a smile back is a great nonverbal cue to start the conversation on a positive note.
Begin the conversation authentically by focusing on something you have in common. Start simple: Their hat may let you know you back the same team or maybe you always notice them on your bus route.
Keep the conversation going by applying the “insight-and-question” method. Make an observation, then follow it up with a question. Make sure your question is about the other person—not the weather or the traffic—as people love to talk about themselves.
(In his dating workshops, Glover agrees that learning to talk to strangers is a valuable skill but understands that it’s something that needs to be developed. He encourages men to be “social animals” in all situations in order to practice this. You don’t need to have a specific goal in mind—such as friendship or dating—with every person you talk to, but the more people you interact with, the less scary it becomes and the better you get at spotting those worth talking to.)
Finally, speaking from experience, author Ross McCammon explains how he was able to make and develop adult friendships with other men:
Utilize your connections. The partner of your partner’s friends and the parents of your kids’ friends are great places to start.
Turn vague plans into reality. Intentionally schedule your hangouts—even better, make them recurring (like hitting the gym the same time each week or camping the last weekend of every month).
Follow up with texts. Continue communicating when you’re not together.
Hug! Physical contact is important for friendships too. Plus, it’s a definitive way to let your friends know you care without having to get too sappy.
When a Nice Guy has no friends of his own, he becomes dependent on his partner for 100% of his emotional and social needs. But friends help meet these needs. Glover noticed Nice Guys are less likely to smother, resent, or manipulate their partners when they can turn to friends for additional support.
Male Social Dependence and Female Burnout
The burnout women experience when they’re expected to be their boyfriend or husband’s partner, best friend, cheerleader, secretary, therapist, and more has prompted much discussion about women’s unpaid, emotional labor.
When journalist Melanie Hamlett interviewed women about their experiences, she found younger women more likely to tie their self-image to being their husband’s everything. However, once women grow older, busier, and more frustrated, they seem to be less willing to put themselves aside for their man’s sake—usually to his detriment. Even if it appears your partner “doesn’t mind” providing this care, she may be struggling with her own self-worth. Having individual lives and friendships outside your relationship will only strengthen it in the long run and ensure neither of you suffer burnout.
To get at the root of his masculinity issues, Glover explains that a recovering Nice Guy must overcome the childhood impression of his father and view him through fresh eyes. Even if the relationship was exactly as you remember, Glover demonstrates that when you reflect as an adult, you’re likely to see your dad for who he was: human.
Your father doesn’t need to participate in this reexamination (although if some frank conversation would help, more power to you). However, Glover maintains it’s necessary to address your feelings about your father—whether fury, disappointment, or love—so that you can repair your complicated relationship with masculinity overall.
(Shortform note: In Superior Man, Deida agrees that in order to live as a free man, you must release yourself from your father’s expectations. To help you do this, he suggests taking three days to live as if your father had died. Follow your own path. What would you pursue if his judgment was lifted from your shoulders?)
To combat old negative assumptions about men, Glover emphasizes Nice Guys must seek out new, healthy models of masculinity. When they observe healthy masculinity in action, Nice Guys integrate these positive associations into their conception of manhood.
Your role models can be anyone—a coworker, world leader, old friend, or admired community member. Glover suggests you identify the positive masculine traits you would like to embrace, then find men who embody them. And these men don’t need to be real—there are plenty of fictional characters that exemplify the traits of healthy, functioning men.
(Shortform note: While Glover stresses Nice Guys find male role models to help guide them, Deida asks the Superior Man to turn to the wisdom of older women as well. As women age, they tend to embrace their masculine energy more, which according to Deida, decreases their capacity to tolerate bullshit. This—combined with their ability for deep emotional understanding as a mature female—makes older women worthy companions on your self-improvement journey.)
As you look to your role models, you must also provide the next generation with healthy models of masculinity.
According to Glover, healthy male role models help young boys transition into manhood without the stressful process of unlearning shame. Instead, they’ll learn to embrace their masculinity outright. And these relationships go both ways—Nice Guys benefit from the vitality and unrestrained energy that young men and boys possess.
A biological relationship isn’t necessary to form these bonds. Yes, spend time with your sons, nephews, and cousins. But if you have no young male relatives of your own, Glover reminds you to get involved with your local scouts, sports teams, or big brother program.
Tips for Encouraging Healthy Masculinity in Boys
Both Plan International and Promundo are international organizations dedicated to engaging boys and men in the fight for gender equality. In an effort to address questions from the growing number of people interested in raising boys with a healthy understanding of masculinity, they created a list of concrete tips for parental figures:
Use playtime to build empathy. Boys can learn a lot about themselves and the world through play. Roleplaying allows you to demonstrate healthy ways of working through a wide array of emotions, situations, and values.
Allow boys to express themselves—however that may be. Urge young boys to pick toys or clothing they are drawn to, even when they pick something “meant for girls.” Encouraging honest self-expression will help them define their masculinity apart from harmful stereotypes.
Teach boys about consent. Teach boys they must ask for permission to touch others, but make sure they understand consent is a two-way street—they’re allowed to say no as well. You can demonstrate this principle by supporting them when they refuse physical contact—like a hug or a kiss—from family members.
Lead by example. Model what you think healthy masculinity looks like for the boys in your life. Children remember what we say and do, so we must address our own behavior if we say something inappropriate or find ourselves slipping into rigid roles. Provide boys with many examples of masculinity by seeking out positive representations in media and additional role models in your community.
Practice setting your limits.
Think of a time you said “yes” to something when you wanted to say “no” (other than something you have to do for work, childcare, and so on). What feelings or fears led you to respond this way?
Now imagine you had said “no.” How do you think the situation would have played out? Why?
What boundaries could you set next time? Write down how you would communicate your limits.
Before you can reclaim your masculinity, define it for yourself.
What are positive masculine traits in your opinion? What makes a “healthy male” in your eyes?
Think about other men in your life (relatives, community members, fictional characters). Who do you know that embodies any or all of these characteristics? How could they serve as your role model?
Pick one potential role model. What questions might you ask him? (Gear your questions toward masculinity and being a self-accepting man—if Captain America is your role model, don’t ask him what it was like to wake up decades into the future.)
In our final part, we’ll address some additional problems and solutions specific to three Nice Guy problem areas: love, career, and sex. This section will further explore some of the unproductive behaviors that affect these parts of a Nice Guy’s life.
(Shortform note: Although Glover discusses a Nice Guy’s love life and career separately, we have chosen to combine these two categories. Why? Glover states that most Nice Guys come to him with complaints about their unsatisfying love life. However, they tend to realize the self-sabotaging behaviors interfering with their intimate relationships are the same ones preventing them from having the type of career or life they really want. Like Glover, we noticed this overlap in what holds a Nice Guy back from a satisfying love life and career, as well as what he can do for similar success in these areas.)
Many of the unproductive beliefs and dysfunctional dynamics we’ve already discussed negatively affect a Nice Guy’s ability to be intimate or take charge of his career. But Glover notes a few more behaviors standing between Nice Guys and success in these two areas:
In their quest to be needless saints that must “fix” everything themselves, Glover says Nice Guys are often poor receivers. When someone tries to attend to a Nice Guy’s needs—emotional, sexual, work-related, or otherwise—they challenge his negative beliefs about his self-worth and cause inner tension.
Glover explains that to avoid these negative feelings, Nice Guys will unconsciously avoid situations where their needs are likely to be met. For example, they’ll seek out needy people, communicate in vague ways, and self-sabotage. And because they rely on covert contracts (assuming no one wants to meet their needs) they rarely ask for help.
How to Help Those Who Don’t Want It
We’ve discussed earlier in this guide how the victim mentality, as well as being a Nice Guy, can cause this type of resistance to support—so, what do you do when a Nice Guy or someone in the midst of the victim mentality doesn’t want your help? Experts have some advice:
Listen to them: According to psychiatrist Mark Goulston, instead of offering advice outright, stop and listen to the person who needs help. You might think you know what’s best for the other person, but providing an attentive and empathetic ear will ensure you understand their needs and where they’re coming from. Goulston says the more a person opens up to you, the less isolated or misunderstood they will feel, which should encourage them to seek out your advice, help, or understanding ear in the future.
Do your research: ReachOut, a mental health resource hub, encourages you to explore options that could help the person you’re concerned about. This doesn’t mean bombarding the other person with information and resources but arming yourself with useful knowledge so you’re prepared if they do ask for your help.
Be an example: Psychologist Thomas G. Plante agrees that giving unsolicited advice rarely works. Instead, he suggests leading by example. As observational learners, we’re more likely to follow the actions of others than we are to follow their advice. Model healthy habits, including asking for help when you need it.
Get help yourself: Mental Health America—a resource network—notes that trying to help someone who doesn’t want it can be a draining and frustrating process. They encourage you to seek out your own help during this time. Not only will you be in a better mindset to support others, but you’ll also gain insight into how to approach your interactions with those who need help.
Don’t force them to act: At the end of the day, you can’t make someone do something or be someone they’re not. Addictions writer Katherine Schreiber explains that trying to force someone to do what you think they should do only leads to more stress and negative emotions for the other person, including shame, guilt, and feelings of dependency. (This will only work to perpetuate the victim cycle compelling them to avoid help.)
According to Glover, Nice Guys are less likely to leave dysfunctional or toxic relationships because they dread loneliness. Rather than leave and face themselves, they work endlessly to “fix” their partner. This keeps them in a state of resentment (remember the victim cycle). So when they do try to end things, Glover says it’s usually in a manipulative, dishonest, or accusatory manner.
How to Break Up (and Make It Stick)
Glover isn’t the only author to discuss the struggle of ending a toxic relationship. In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller dedicate an entire chapter to ending such relationships. Like Glover, they note that we’re likely to avoid breakups at all costs because our brain anticipates pain and loneliness in the future. And when we do break up, our anxiety may cause us to suddenly forget all the red flags and “rebound” with our ex.
So how do you mentally prepare yourself to break up for real? Levine and Heller have some advice:
Understand your relationship for what it really is. Reflect and ask questions like: How does your partner treat you? Are you afraid to let your family and friends witness this treatment? How does your partner behave around others compared to you? Does either of you feel compelled to spy on the other? Do you trust each other?
Bolster your network of safe people before you break up. Be honest with those you trust most—let them know you’re thinking of ending things with your partner. That way, they’ll be prepared to support you when you need it most.
Do what comforts you. Whether you arrange to stay with a friend for a few nights or indulge in some post-breakup ice cream, do what makes you feel good.
Don’t let guilt and shame overtake you. If you do call your ex or even go for the rebound, don’t beat yourself up about it (this will simply bring out more bad habits). In the same vein, don’t be ashamed of any of the emotions you’re feeling. Whether it’s deep pain or a sense of relief, your feelings are valid and should be acknowledged.
Write down the reasons you left. If you notice yourself viewing your relationship through rose-tinted glasses, take out a piece of paper and write down why things ended. Having trouble remembering? Ask your friends and family to remind you why you left in the first place.
Glover explains that Nice Guys will also remain in a toxic work environment because they’re able to recreate familiar, ineffective relationships. Putting up with a familiar—albeit less than ideal—reality is less scary than making a change. However, it ensures Nice Guys remain stagnant.
Should You Quit Your Job?
Like a breakup, it may be hard to know when it’s time to walk away from your job. Forbes contributor Caroline Castrillon has some guidelines to help you make that decision. You’re probably ready to call it quits if:
You dread going to work or feel uncomfortable while you’re there.
Your poor work-life balance is causing burnout.
Your work requires you to manipulate or compromise your values.
You’re bored because you’re not being challenged.
You see no opportunities for growth.
Your pay is not equal to your position, performance, and/or skills.
Glover says that the pinnacle of approval for the Nice Guy is sex. But the following issues— combined with their lack of self-acceptance and their tendency to ignore their own needs—almost always ensure Nice Guys miss out on a satisfying sex life.
According to Glover, Nice Guys incorrectly assume a woman is sexually available so long as she’s in a good mood. This makes them think they’re likely to be “rewarded” with sex if they can keep a woman from getting angry and fix all her immediate problems.
(Shortform note: In 2008, a qualitative review examined multiple studies on how different genders perceived others’ sexual availability. Most of the reviewed studies found men more likely to assign sexual intent to behaviors and actions than women (even if the behaviors or actions in question were not sexual). While the result of these kinds of misconceptions can be as harmful as sexual assault, they may also lead to much less serious outcomes, such as minor embarrassment. If the average man is already more likely to misread “sexual” signs from women, we can assume the average Nice Guy—with his skewed belief that “bad mood = sexually unavailable”—isn’t as skilled at interpreting women’s behavior as he may think.)
Further, Glover emphasizes that women aren’t attracted to “jerks,” as many Nice Guys assume. Rather, they’re attracted to fully realized, confident, independent humans. He states that when Nice Guys grapple with simultaneous feelings of worthiness (“I’m so nice”) and unworthiness (“But I’m so bad”), their inner tension leads to a suppression of the self that can make them appear tense and boring. Ultimately, trying too hard to be “nice,” “right,” and “good” all the time makes for a lifeless (and thus unattractive) shell of a person.
(Shortform note: Why do we find confidence so attractive? It has a lot to do with our own self-esteem. When someone is confident, we tend to assume good things about their skills and personality, often believing that they’re good at all the things we’re bad at. We’re thus drawn to them, as we feel they can protect or look after us. People who are less confident are especially drawn to those who are positive, capable leaders, and confidence is a major indicator of these traits.)
In childhood, Glover says many Nice Guys used arousal as a form of distraction from stress and loneliness. Thus, compulsions like porn and masturbation became crutches in times of discomfort.
Glover explains that as children, Nice Guys thought they were bad for being sexual and therefore practiced their sexuality in secret. In adulthood, Nice Guys still feel ashamed of their sexual impulses and habits. Because they’re afraid of getting caught, Nice Guys exert a disproportionate amount of time and energy concealing their sexuality.
The Effects of Sexual Shame
We’ve discussed shame as an integral factor of the Nice Guy mindset, but sexual shame in particular can have serious effects on your mental (or even physical) health. Glover mentions this type of guilt is likely to lead to sexual addictions, but here are a few more outcomes as explained by clinical social worker Rachel Keller:
Decreased sexual arousal or pleasure: Mental blocks can prevent your natural sexual responses from functioning properly. Arousal and pleasure may be buried so deeply beneath a layer of shame that they have a hard time coming to the surface.
Feelings of disgust: When guilt and shame are tied to sex and the body from an early age, you may respond to things we deem sexual with disgust. This includes being repulsed by your body, genitals, or desires. Being disgusted with bodily functions may cause you to ask, “Is something wrong with me?” even if what you’re experiencing is natural.
Psychological splitting: If you actively conceal your sexuality—as Glover says many Nice Guys do—this sexual part of yourself may “split off” from the rest of you, thus enforcing a “bad” self and a “good” self. This will only increase feelings of shame and a need for secrecy, as your “good” self continues to judge your “bad” self.
Problems with communication: Discussing things you’re ashamed of is particularly hard, so trying to work through issues in your sex life in these circumstances often leads to frustration, shutting down, and avoiding the real issues out of embarrassment.
According to Glover, Nice Guys will distract from their own shame and anxiety by focusing solely on their partner’s pleasure. This may sound generous, but it guarantees a one-way sexual experience in which their partner isn’t able to reciprocate. Partner-focused sex also causes Nice Guys to keep doing what “works,” which leads to repetitive sexual routines.
Glover explains that a Nice Guy may also engage his partner in half-hearted sex through manipulative or sneaky tactics. He thinks if he focuses hard enough on pleasing her, she won’t get mad at him and will enthusiastically reciprocate. But this tactic only leads to frustrating sex. Still, to many Nice Guys, bad sex is better than no sex.
(Shortform note: Despite the similarities between Glover’s Ideal Man and Deida’s Superior Man, these authors’ approaches to sex are quite different. While, as we’ve seen, Glover discourages the Ideal Man from partner-focused sex, Deida encourages the opposite. He suggests the Superior Man turn his focus outward by prioritizing connection with his woman over his own pleasure, as he believes the complete union of masculine and feminine energy is the ultimate goal of sex. Glover, on the other hand, believes pleasure is the main objective.)
This final section covers Glover’s remaining strategies for loving and living as an Ideal Man.
Many of the strategies discussed throughout this guide—such as practicing self-care, sharing your feelings, and facing your fears—will help you find satisfaction in your love life and career. But Glover has a few more tips to put you on the right path:
When entering into new relationships, Glover has one strategy: Shake things up. Instead of falling back on bad habits (like not setting boundaries) or unproductive mindsets (that your needs don’t matter, for example), start from a place of integrity, self-confidence, and vulnerability from the get-go. This will save you from having to “fix” a relationship that’s gone south (or keep you from entering into a toxic one in the first place).
Starting fresh gives you the unique opportunity to look for a different caliber of partner (one who embodies your values). Glover says if you accept yourself and embrace your power, you’re more likely to seek out (and be sought by) those who exude the same self-confidence and energy as you do.
Just as the unconfident, never-changing mindset compels Nice Guys to remain in toxic environments (be it their romantic relationship or career), this do-something-different approach can also be applied to finding and beginning a new job.
(Shortform note: When you do leave a toxic work environment, try your best to have some time to recover before jumping into another job. Take this time to reflect—not only on yourself, your skills, and your worth, but also on the negative experiences you had in the toxic environment. Were your former boss or coworkers abusive? Or was your job toxic at a systemic level? Learning from bad experiences can help you better understand what industries or company cultures will support you in the way that you need.)
Starting Over After a Toxic Relationship
Following Glover’s advice and getting a fresh start after a bad relationship can be a bit daunting, but The Good Men Project has some tips for starting things off on the right foot this time around:
Remind yourself you’re worthy. You deserve happiness and a partner that treats you well as much as anyone else. But you must believe in your own self-worth as an individual person before you can begin a new, healthy relationship.
Write down any green and/or red flags you notice. It’s easy to ignore someone’s flaws when you’re just getting to know them, but do your best to recognize and take note of any concerning behaviors. Don’t forget to look out for the positive signs as well—what makes this person seem like they’ll be trustworthy and supportive?
Talk to your friends and family. If you find yourself over-romanticizing your new beau, ask your loved ones what they think—do they notice any red flags? Or better yet, ask these safe people to set you up with someone they think highly of. This way, you’re meeting someone who’s already been vetted by someone you trust.
Don’t overthink it. Resist the urge to self-sabotage if your new relationship is running smoothly. Let yourself feel joy and excitement in your new, healthy relationship. Don’t be afraid to lean into someone who is expressing genuine care for you.
No one can do everything alone, so Glover stresses that Nice Guys learn to ask for help. Taking control of your life includes utilizing the people and resources at your disposal. First, you must recognize that others are there for you and want to help. Then, you must ask for help in a clear, direct manner.
How to Effectively Ask for Help
Asking for help can be intimidating, especially if you’re a Nice Guy who’s not used to acknowledging when he needs help in the first place. And there’s nothing more discouraging than asking for help and not receiving it. But according to business professor Wayne Baker, the most effective way to get help is by making a SMART request. When you ask someone else to help you, make sure what you’re requesting fits the following criteria:
Specific: Vague requests are less likely to be acted upon, so keep it concise and to the point.
Meaningful: Explain to whoever you’re asking why you need the help you do.
Action: Tell the other person what tasks they can do to help, which will only make your request more specific.
Realistic: Make sure you’re not asking someone to do the impossible.
Time: Give the other person a deadline or timeframe for your request.
As we’ve discussed, overcoming feelings of fear and shame is integral to having a satisfying sex life. However, this isn’t the only way to improve your sexual experiences. Here are some additional sex-related strategies from Glover:
According to Glover, Nice Guys who settle for bad (incongruous, passionless) sex will likely keep having bad sex. If a Nice Guy continues to accept lazy, passive lovemaking, it will become the default.
Nice Guys won’t have good sex until they can say “no” to bad sex. But what does “good sex” look like to Glover?
To start having good sex, reset with a temporary freeze on sex. This may sound counterintuitive, but Glover challenges Nice Guys to stop seeking out sex for a set amount of time. This will allow you to learn how you use sex (as a distraction, ego-boost) and how you go about getting it from others so you can develop a healthier relationship with your sexuality.
Tips for Good Sex
What can you do to have better sex? In addition to Glover’s sex ban, some other experts weigh in:
Communicate with your partner. Mental health journalist Beth McColl encourages you to discuss your sexual likes, dislikes, fantasies, and fears with your partner before, during, and after sex. Open communication is key to understanding each other’s needs and desires.
Try something new. Social psychologist Dr. Justin Lehmiller encourages you to experiment (with positions, boundaries, location, and more) so you keep things exciting and don’t get stuck in the same routines.
Get out of your head. According to the Good Men Project, distractions take you out of intimate moments and away from your woman. So, don’t think too hard about orgasms, chores, or impending deadlines while you’re seeking pleasure. Instead, let yourself be fully present and connect with your partner.
Finally, Glover encourages healthy masturbation. Nice Guys must learn to pleasure themselves without shame, discomfort, and distraction before they can seek pleasure from others without shame, discomfort, and distraction. It’s easier to learn about your sexual likes and dislikes without the pressure of another person.
Like good sex, Glover says healthy masturbation is a natural, intimate, and vulnerable expression of sexual energy with unpredictable potential. It’s about doing what feels good and accepting responsibility for your needs and pleasure.
(Shortform note: Not only is masturbation good for your mental and sexual well-being, but it may also be good for your physical health. According to one comprehensive, 18-year-long Harvard study, men who orgasmed 21 times or more each month decreased their chances of prostate cancer by 33%. The reason why is still unknown, although doctors speculate you clear out harmful toxins and bacteria that might otherwise build up in your prostate when you ejaculate. Orgasms with a partner produce the same outcome, so prioritizing both masturbation and partner sex can help you reach these ejaculation goals.)
Masturbation is a generally sensitive topic for Nice Guys, especially if they live in a repressive environment (due to religion or family) or have dealt with compulsive sexual habits in the past. However, Glover wants you to remember there’s nothing shameful about healthy masturbation. He even stresses that with a focus on pleasure (without porn or fantasy), it’s almost impossible for healthy masturbation to become compulsive.
How to Practice Healthy Masturbation
Many sexual and mental health professionals agree that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to masturbate. In addition to Glover’s tips about refraining from porn and fantasy, here are some more ways to help you practice healthy masturbation:
Take it slow: Good masturbation is a process—not a race to the finish line. Don’t rush through your pleasure. Take your time by experimenting with other parts of your body or changing the speed of your stroke. This will help you practice taking things slow with a partner as well.
Prep your environment: Set the mood for yourself. Make your environment comfortable and distraction free. Light candles, put on some music, dim the lights—whatever you need to do to feel good and in the moment.
Pay attention: Be aware of your bodily responses as you pleasure yourself—your breath, your heartbeat, and any tension you might be holding. How does your body react before you orgasm? Understanding your body and its physical responses will only help you control your sexual functions with yourself or with a partner.
Engage your fantasies: Although Glover feels fantasy is not a part of healthy masturbation, many sex therapists—including those at the Between Us Clinic—disagree. Due to mirror neurons (or visuospatial brain cells that fire whether we perform an action, picture the action, or see someone else performing the action), using your imagination to picture yourself having satisfying sex can lead to better sexual performance. (However, these therapists agree that porn doesn’t engage the brain in the same way our imagination does and therefore should not be relied on when masturbating.)
Try edging: This sexual control technique requires masturbating to the point of orgasm but stopping before ejaculation. Take a break for a minute or two, then begin again and repeat as many times as you’d like (or are able). This exercise helps build stamina and prevent premature ejaculation.
Glover isn’t opposed to pornography in theory, but believes it negatively affects men by creating unrealistic expectations and increasing feelings of shame (especially when consumed in secret).
If you are going to consume porn, Glover says you must do so openly and without shame. This ensures it won’t become a compulsive, guilt-inducing habit.
Things to Consider When Consuming Porn
Like Glover, sex educator Laci Green agrees that porn is ok to consume as long you reflect on your relationship with it and ask yourself the following questions:
Can I masturbate without porn? Glover and Green both caution against pleasuring yourself to porn. While Glover believes it should never be used in this context, Green encourages you to shake up your routine and method of arousal when masturbating so that your body doesn’t become conditioned to only respond to porn.
Am I using porn as a coping mechanism? While Green acknowledges that porn can be used for entertainment or arousal purposes, you should recognize when you’re using it to distract from negative feelings. If you start to lean on porn in times of distress, she suggests finding a different outlet, such as journaling, opening up to a friend, or seeking therapy.
Do I recognize porn isn’t realistic? Green explains that although porn may be fun to watch, it’s in no way a representation of what real sex looks like. From the actors’ “perfect” bodies to an imbalanced focus on male pleasure and penetration, porn is a fantasy. Green encourages you to remember that porn sex does not necessarily reflect good sex.
Is the porn I’m consuming ethical? The porn industry is huge and unfortunately, exploitation is not uncommon. Green urges you to consider where your porn is coming from and if all parties have consented to being filmed. She says the best way to reduce exploitation is to pay for your porn (preferably from a reputable source).
How can you change old habits and tap into your full potential?
Write down one goal you have for your career or life’s passion.
What are the self-sabotaging behaviors keeping you from pursuing or attaining this goal?
Consider how you might “do something different” to reach this goal—how will you change your approach?
How can you start living like an Ideal Man today?
Pick one of the strategies for the Ideal Man throughout the book that resonated with you.
How could you apply this rule to your life? Which of Glover’s other strategies might help you implement it?
What scares you about implementing this strategy? What excites you?