In Oh Crap! Potty Training, parenting expert Jamie Glowacki provides a step-by-step guide to effectively potty training your child, as well as advice on specializing its various steps to your child. She bases her methods on experience from her early career as a social worker and from coaching families one-on-one through potty training. With this experience, Glowacki has created a potty training guide which you can specialize to your child and challenges they might face, instead of providing a “one size fits all” method.
In this guide, we’ll start by exploring the main tenets of Glowacki’s potty training method. Then, we’ll learn how to prepare effectively for potty training, walk through Glowacki’s five phases of potty training, and conclude with her advice for dealing with specific difficulties you might encounter along the way. Throughout, we’ve added commentary that explains the child psychology behind Glowacki’s methods and provides alternative viewpoints on potty training from parenting experts and pediatricians.
Throughout the book, Glowacki emphasizes three main tenets for successful potty training. The success of Glowacki’s potty training depends on these tenets, so you should understand them before beginning the process and apply them throughout. Let’s examine these three tenets, and how they contribute to successful potty training.
Potty training is easiest when you approach it with clarity. In the context of potty training, clarity means you’re clear to your child about what you need them to do—you’re firm but supportive and don’t offer your child the chance to say no. Clear instructions help your child understand what’s expected of them, making it easier to follow your instructions and learn. On the other hand, if you aren’t clear about what you want, your child will feel confused, anxious, or frustrated—feelings that derail potty training by encouraging resistance, power struggles, and tantrums.
Throughout potty training, communicate exactly what you need your child to do, without phrasing these instructions in the form of a question or option.
(Shortform note: While Glowacki mainly discusses clarity in the context of how you can make your instructions clear to your child, psychological research suggests that truly effective clarity between a parent and child must go both ways. That is, besides communicating what you need, you must work to understand what your child needs from you. To encourage your child to express their needs, experts recommend you demonstrate you’re listening by making eye contact and getting down on their level while communicating.)
Clarity is also why Glowacki argues against using rewards for potty training. The main goal of potty training, she explains, is teaching your child that consistent potty use is expected behavior. A reward system, on the other hand, teaches your child to use the potty only as long as they get something out of it. This lesson conflicts with your main goal, sending mixed messages to your child.
(Shortform note: Some experts disagree with the idea that reward systems don’t encourage behavior in itself. They argue that when you make clear and consistent rules about when and why your child can earn rewards, they will associate the positive feeling of being rewarded with the behavior (in this case, toilet use) itself. In addition, they explain that rewards also help your child form new habits—eventually, they’ll start using the toilet out of habit rather than because of a reward.)
Glowacki emphasizes that consistency is crucial for making the process of potty training clear and simple. Consistency means committing time and energy to training your child until it’s done. Training your child consistently allows them to keep practicing toilet use, making it routine. On the other hand, inconsistency—for example, putting your child in diapers when you don’t feel up to training—means your child won’t pick up these skills as quickly and might find your instructions unclear or conflicting. (Shortform note: Research supports Glowacki’s claim that consistency helps your child learn, and further suggests that inconsistent parenting methods—such as disciplining your child in some instances of a behavior but not other instances—often contribute to misbehavior in toddlers.)
To be consistent in your potty training, keep your instructions the same and make them part of a daily routine—Glowacki explains that toddlers love routines because they provide structure and a sense of certainty. She emphasizes that you should not give up or return to diapers for convenience’s sake—even if you were to do so only once a week, these exceptions teach your child that you don’t expect them to always use the toilet.
(Shortform note: You might be wondering what kinds of potty training routines you should create. Some experts recommend planning specific moments in the day when your child will use the potty. Plan to put your child on the potty for a few minutes every two hours, and attach potty use to specific activities, like bedtime. However, note that planning potty training this rigidly contrasts with the more situational approach we’ll see in our discussion of Glowacki’s potty training phases.)
Being confident in yourself is crucial for sending your child clear and consistent messages about what you need from them. Glowacki explains that toddlers pick up on emotional cues in body language and mimic them. Therefore, by speaking and acting with confidence, you’ll help your child feel confident as well. (Shortform note: Psychological research supports Glowacki’s claim that toddlers mimic the emotions of others, and even suggests children under twelve months old can do so.)
Confidence also keeps potty training clear and consistent. If you feel uncertain, your child will receive unclear and inconsistent instructions: Your voice might say they have to do something, but your body language will show that you’re unsure. On the other hand, speaking and acting with confidence means that your voice and body language send the same message. Finally, if you’re confident in your approach, you’ll naturally have an easier time committing to it, helping with consistency.
Boost Your Parental Confidence
To keep up your confidence during the often challenging process of potty training, try using these three expert-recommended methods:
1) Don’t abandon hobbies: Try to spend some time on skills or hobbies you’re confident in. Doing so will provide a nice break from parenting stress, and remind you that you’re a skilled and capable adult.
2) Positive self-talk: Boost your confidence by making your inner monologue positive, reminding yourself of everything you’ve already accomplished as a parent and everything you’re capable of accomplishing in the future.
3) Manage advice you receive: Being a parent often means receiving a lot of advice from a lot of people. To stay confident in your parenting, change the subject away from unwanted advice if you feel overwhelmed.
Once you understand the mindset you’ll need for successful potty training, you can begin the process. Glowacki provides suggestions on when to start and how to prepare.
Glowacki recommends beginning potty training when your child is between 20 and 30 months old. She claims that at this age, your child will be eager to please, curious, and willing to accept new responsibilities. Any younger and they might not fully grasp what you expect of them. Any older and they’ll be more willing and able to resist you and engage in power struggles. (Shortform note: You might think that children are too young to be potty trained at this age. However, research shows that many Vietnamese mothers get their children out of diapers at around nine months of age by training them from birth. This suggests that consistency matters more than age for potty training. Therefore, an approach like Glowacki’s should work even for children who are quite young.)
In addition, do not wait for your child to signal they are ready. Glowacki emphasizes that your child often won’t send these signals—they don’t know they want potty training, and will instead try and stay in their comfort zone (diapers). A toddler won’t make a large decision like when to start potty training on their own, so you have to. (Shortform note: While Glowacki claims there’s no specific moment within the 20-30 month range when you should begin potty training, many child psychologists argue that your child will have a specific moment when they are ready and show it. They suggest you look for signals such as expressing dislike of dirty diapers, mimicking your bathroom behavior, and communicating when they pee or poop.)
Glowacki provides several steps you should follow to prepare yourself, your home, and your child for potty training.
1) Ensure consistent sleep: Before you plan potty training, ensure your child is on a consistent and healthy sleep schedule. If they’re tired, they’ll be less willing to learn and more irritable, making training far more difficult. (Shortform note: To ensure your toddler keeps a healthy sleep schedule, experts recommend keeping consistent bedtime routines. Have them go to bed at the same time every night, and make routines out of the calming activities they do in the hour leading up to bedtime.)
2) Get your partner on board: Make sure you and your partner are on the same page as you prepare and go through potty training. Disagreements between you will challenge your confidence and make potty training an unclear and inconsistent process. (Shortform note: Glowacki’s discussion of partner communication assumes both partners live in the same household. However, if you’re co-parenting with someone living in a different home, you can still potty train your child together. To potty train from two households, experts suggest that you collaborate to make potty training consistent. Talk with your co-parent, and ensure you both use similar terminology and similar equipment.)
3) Set a date: Set aside several days (ideally a week) for starting potty training. Make sure you have absolutely no plans during this period—you’ll need to constantly pay close attention to your child for the first few days so you can get them to the toilet as needed. (Shortform note: While Glowacki suggests you eliminate all plans to focus on toilet training, other experts warn against changing your household schedule too much. They suggest that maintaining routines is even more important when going through periods of change like potty training. To balance these two viewpoints, try to ensure your day is free but keep your child’s days at home structured with a clear schedule.)
4) Buy a potty chair: Buy a potty chair for your child. A potty chair is less intimidating than a normal toilet and is also easier for them to access. Don’t put it out until you start potty training, so your child only sees and uses it as a toilet. (Shortform note: While Glowacki suggests not putting out the potty until training begins, some experts disagree with this. They claim that by having the potty out ahead of time, your child can get used to it and feel less anxiety about it.)
5) Explain the process: Explain to your child that they are no longer going to wear diapers and that you’re going to train them to use the toilet. This makes it clear what’s going to happen and what you need from them. (Shortform note: Explaining the process of potty training to your child involves them in a big life change instead of suddenly catching them off guard with it—experts suggest that this is important, as involving children in life changes helps reduce their anxiety and uncertainty about those changes.)
After preparations are complete, Glowacki separates potty training into five phases, explaining what each phase looks like and how to approach them. She emphasizes there’s no one “correct” length for each phase—every child has their own pace. (Shortform note: Experts agree with Glowacki’s suggestion to go at your own child’s pace, and further argue that pushing a child too hard can lead to self-esteem issues, anxiety, and increased resistance.)
During phase one, keep your child fully bottomless and focus entirely on them while they are awake. This way, you’ll immediately notice every time they start to pee or poop. Once they do, quickly bring them to a potty chair. These steps allow your child to consistently practice using the potty, and to make a connection between the potty and the act of peeing and pooping.
(Shortform note: While Glowacki acknowledges the difficulty parents working full-time might have setting aside multiple days for potty training, she claims that you’ll need to prioritize your child over work. However, her suggestion might not be financially realistic for you. If you can’t take several days off for potty training, experts recommend coordinating with your child’s daycare or caregiver to keep potty training consistent even if you aren’t present.)
As phase one progresses, start to learn the signals your child gives when they need to pee or poop—this could include agitation, becoming quiet, or signs of physical discomfort. Also learn the general rhythm of when your child pees and poops each day. These signals and rhythms help you recognize when your child needs the potty so you can prompt them to go. (Shortform note: While Glowacki suggests you look for signals that your child has to pee or poop, other experts argue that you should teach your child how to communicate when they need to go. They recommend announcing when you need to pee or poop and allowing your child to see, so they can mimic this behavior and indicate when they need to pee or poop.)
Glowacki notes that, throughout these phases, it’s okay to put diapers on your child while they sleep—training your child to use the potty during the day and at night right away puts a lot of stress on you and your child. However, explain that these diapers are only temporary until they’ve trained more. This keeps your process clear and consistent. (Shortform note: Glowacki’s advice on training your child to use the potty at night is somewhat inconsistent. She says she separates day and night training (which we’ll discuss in a later section) to avoid overwhelming parents but also claims that simultaneous day and night training is ideal. However, some experts contrast with the latter claim, saying your child might not use the toilet at night until around five.)
You’ll know it’s time for phase two when your child can pee and poop on the toilet while naked, whether you take them, prompt them, or they go by themselves. This usually happens between one and three days into potty training.
For phase two, dress your child in pants with no underwear. Glowacki explains that toddlers often have trouble understanding the difference between underwear and diapers, so avoiding underwear, for now, will mean fewer accidents.
Continue learning the rhythms and signals of your child’s bathroom use, prompting them to use the toilet when they show signals or when they usually need to go. You don’t need to focus entirely on your child during this phase and can start taking them on short outings like a walk around the block or a quick errand. Be prepared for your child to have accidents during phase two, keeping cleaning supplies on hand. Don’t get angry or upset with your child if they have an accident—they’re still learning. Instead, acknowledge they made a mistake without judging them: For example, say, “Pee goes in the potty,” and then have them help you clean up the accident.
(Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection, shame expert Brené Brown clarifies the kind of damaging effect that judging your child or getting angry at them for an accident can have. Judgments can lead your child to feel shame—the deep-seated feeling that something is wrong with them. This feeling, when unaddressed, can interfere with your child’s ability to love and appreciate themselves for who they are—in other words, getting upset over a small accident can have a long-lasting negative effect on your child.)
You can move on to phase three when you’re confident in your child’s ability to go on longer outings without too many accidents. This is usually somewhere between two and nine days into potty training.
Pull-ups and Training Pants
While Glowacki argues against diaper-like training tools like pull-ups and has a mixed view of training pants, experts have mixed opinions. Let’s explore the benefits and drawbacks of each:
Pull-ups: Arguments in favor of pull-ups tend to view them as an “in-between” during the transition from diapers to underwear, noting they can be useful for making your child feel grown up and for use at night. On the other hand, some experts (and Glowacki) argue that pull-ups are an excessive expense, and delay potty training because they are too similar to diapers.
Training pants: Proponents of training pants argue that they help teach kids to dress themselves, and also can absorb smaller accidents or “dribbles” while still encouraging a child to use the toilet for larger pees and poops. However, opponents argue that training pants are still an additional cost, create additional waste, and can prevent a child from feeling the uncomfortable wetness that comes from an accident (a consequence that discourages accidents).
In phase three, take your child on longer trips to new places and situations like shopping or daycare. Bring your potty chair and towels or wipes for accidents, which are still likely to happen. Prompt your child to use the potty when you notice their signals and when you’d normally prompt even a potty-trained child: before leaving the house, before going to bed, or before starting an activity.
(Shortform note: Your child might feel particularly embarrassed or ashamed if they have an accident in public—experts suggest that this is actually a sign that potty training is going well. A feeling of embarrassment suggests that your child understands the behavior expected of them (toilet use) and that they want to behave that way. To encourage the positive aspects of this embarrassment while still comforting your child, tell them that they’ll do better next time and remind them that they’re still learning.)
Glowacki suggests you progress into phase four when you feel your child is ready—things will likely get easier from here on out, so potty training will become less about specific steps and more about continuing your existing approach and keeping the three C’s in mind.
Phase four has one simple step: putting your child back into underwear. By this phase of potty training, they’ll have been out of diapers long enough that they’ll no longer confuse underwear with diapers. In addition, an accident in underwear is far more noticeable and unpleasant than an accident in a diaper, which will encourage toilet use. That being said, Glowacki notes that it’s possible your child will have trouble with this step, having accidents more frequently. If this is the case, you can have them go back to no underwear if needed—and don’t worry if your child needs to go without for a long time.
(Shortform note: While Glowacki suggests most children can start wearing underwear about three weeks into training, expert advice on the subject varies—recommendations range from three days to three months before wearing underwear. That being said, most experts agree that the most important thing is going at the right pace for your child based on how many accidents they have or how quickly they understand potty training.)
Phase five begins when your child can consistently self-initiate toilet use. Glowacki explains that this doesn’t mean you won’t have to prompt your child and won’t have any accidents, but it means these things are exceptions rather than inevitabilities—after all, children of all ages sometimes have accidents or need to be reminded to go pee. Phase five is your end goal, so make sure you pat yourself on the back for potty training your child. (Shortform note: Even after your child is potty trained, experts suggest you’ll likely still need to help them with bathroom use until age five or six. You might have to help them wipe, help them with new bathrooms, and keep them safe in public restrooms.)
While the phases act as general benchmarks for your child’s progress, Glowacki emphasizes that every child is different and will probably encounter additional challenges which prevent potty training progress. She mentions four common challenges your child might encounter and suggests how to approach each of them.
Your child might have an easier time peeing in a toilet than they do pooping, which Glowacki says is perfectly normal. She offers three reasons a child might have trouble pooping in a toilet and advises how you can deal with each.
Just like adults, children have a hard time pooping while anxious. Glowacki explains this is a physical response—the sphincter muscles close up the anus in response to anxiety. To reduce anxiety, make pooping a normal and calm event. Talk openly with your child about poop, and offer them privacy while pooping since a parent hovering or watching often adds pressure. (Shortform note: While anxiety alone can prevent pooping, research shows anxiety around pooping can also cause constipation (another common cause of poop difficulty, as we’ll explore in a moment). This suggests that mental and physical blocks to pooping can be linked and that addressing one can help address the other.)
Glowacki suggests that once your child is out of diapers, they’ll likely poop less often than usual and might not poop at all the first day or two—this is perfectly normal. Pooping outside of a diaper is a new and strange feeling for your child. Help them get used to pooping by validating their feelings. This can mean talking openly about poop and how strange it feels or it could just mean giving them plenty of time to poop.
(Shortform note: While Glowacki discusses how pooping can be an odd and difficult experience for your child, they might also find it an emotionally satisfying one—this feeling is what gastroenterologist Dr. Anish Sheth (What’s Your Poo Telling You?) calls “poo-phoria.” This is because pooping directly stimulates the vagus nerve in your brain, which controls both mood and basic functions like the digestive system. Stimulation of the vagus nerve has been shown to help treat depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.)
Difficulty pooping can also have physical causes like constipation. Glowacki recommends multiple methods for easing these difficulties: Try positioning your child in a squatting position on or over the potty—this stance helps poop come out. Also, make sure your child stays hydrated and eats enough healthy fats and fiber. If nothing else works, you can also ask your pediatrician about child-friendly stool softeners or a further examination. (Shortform note: You might be wondering when to contact a pediatrician about constipation in your child. Pediatricians recommend doing so if the constipation has lasted longer than two weeks, prevents normal activities, or causes your child consistent pain and irritation.)
Glowacki claims that your child might automatically wake up to use the potty at night, but if this doesn’t happen by the time your child is three to three and a half then you’ll need to take concrete nighttime potty training steps. She offers two main steps for nighttime training:
1) Make sure your child doesn’t drink too much before bed. This way, they’ll pee less frequently at night and have fewer accidents. (Shortform note: Experts recommend avoiding sugary drinks in particular, as they act as diuretics, drawing more water into the bladder.)
2) Set two alarms at different points of the night (experiment to find the best times for preventing accidents), wake up your child, and have them pee in the potty. This consistent approach helps your child practice nighttime potty use. (Shortform note: Contrasting with Glowacki’s suggestion that waking your child is a necessary step for night training, some experts argue that while waking your child to pee will reduce accidents, it’s not crucial for night training.)
While potty training, your child might resist the process. Glowacki separates reasons for resistance into two categories and offers suggestions for dealing with each.
Your child may resist potty training because they feel uncertain about changing their routine or learning a new skill. Address uncertainty resistance by staying confident and making it clear that your child has to learn to use the potty. Also, don’t over prompt or hover over them while they use the potty—this only adds pressure on your child, which increases their uncertainty. Instead, prompt your child to use the toilet and then let them do it on their own.
(Shortform note: While Glowacki argues you should stay firm and confident in the face of uncertainty, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson offer a contrasting suggestion in No-Drama Discipline: Have a dialogue with your child. By asking your child how they feel and expressing empathy, they’ll feel understood and will calm down. This helps them explain their behavior to you, and gives you space to explain your expectations to them. Simply remaining firm, like Glowacki suggests, doesn’t allow for a productive dialogue—you’re only expressing your needs and not hearing the needs or feelings of your child.)
The other form of resistance Glowacki identifies is defiance: when your child knows how to use the toilet but chooses not to. This happens because your child is testing their limits (a normal developmental activity), or because they just don’t want to get up from an activity. In these situations, Glowacki recommends using small consequences: Have your child help you clean up the accidents, or take away a toy until they use the potty. This way, your child will recognize that their on-purpose accidents have consequences, discouraging that behavior.
Planning Consequences
When you need to decide on a consequence for your child, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (No-Drama Discipline) recommend you take a moment to think—instead of emotionally responding in the moment—by asking yourself three questions:
Why did my child behave this way?
What lesson do I want them to learn from my discipline?
How do I deliver that lesson?
By reflecting on these three questions, you can make sure your discipline communicates the behavior you expect from your child in a clear and consistent way.
Glowacki acknowledges that there might be a moment when it’s necessary to return to diapers for a time and then start potty training over later on. She calls this process “restarting” your training, and notes two main circumstances where a restart might be necessary:
1) Exhaustion: You and your child have hit your physical and emotional limits, and continuing to train won’t be productive—this is likely due to excessive resistance and power struggles. (Shortform note: While Glowacki recommends resetting if you experience intense emotional exhaustion, experts note that there are steps you can take to help prevent intense emotional exhaustion. They recommend three main methods of self-care to prevent emotional exhaustion: setting up a network of supportive people you can talk to, avoiding self-judgments or too-high expectations, and regularly reminding yourself of the positive aspects of parenting.)
2) Lack of understanding: Your child either never tried to understand training, or started to understand and then suddenly and unexpectedly stopped or regressed in their understanding. (Shortform note: Glowacki mentions that difficult emotional situations like moving or a new sibling can cause potty training to regress, or make your child unwilling to learn toilet use. Experts explain why this happens: During a big emotional shift or major life event, toddlers need to feel in control over their lives. Bodily functions are one of the few things they can control, and so toddlers try to maintain that control by resisting or ignoring their parent’s instructions.)
To restart your child’s potty training, put them back into diapers but explain to them that you’re only doing so because they can’t use the potty properly and you need everyone to calm down before trying again. Put away the potty chair, and pick a day for restarting potty training two to four weeks later. These steps will allow everyone to calm down before trying again and will frame the restart as a break rather than as inconsistency in your approach.
However, there are also limits to the restart. Glowacki emphasizes that the reset can only be done once—resetting more than once teaches your child that throwing a big fit gets them what they want. She also insists that you should not reset the training of a child older than three, because a failure to potty train at that age is most likely due to behavior rather than an inability to learn.
(Shortform note: You might be wondering what to do when your child is older than three years but still resists potty training. At this stage, some experts suggest you make it clear to your child that you expect them to use the toilet, stop prompting them entirely, and praise them if they do use the toilet. Experts argue that when you do this, your child will realize they no longer get attention for not using the toilet. From there, they will realize that they can get attention (praise) by using it the way you expect them to, encouraging toilet use.)
Plan Before Restarting
Before restarting potty training, experts recommend identifying what prevented your first attempt from succeeding and planning how you’ll deal with that obstacle the second time around. These obstacles can generally be placed into four categories: developmental, emotional, physical, or behavioral.
Developmental obstacles can usually be solved by just waiting for a longer period so your child can grow and develop.
Emotional challenges, like fear of the potty or lack of interest, can often be addressed with potty training songs, books, or dolls.
Physical challenges are usually connected to constipation and can often be addressed by a diet adjustment or a pediatrician.
Behavioral obstacles can often be solved by finding ways to calm your own anxiety (which, as we discussed, your child may be picking up on), or easing up on prompting and hovering over your child’s bathroom use.
Reflect on your plans for approaching potty training.
Has your child signaled that they’re ready for potty training? If not, do you think they’re ready? Explain your answer.
How can you apply Glowacki’s three C’s to potty training your child? Provide one method each for keeping your training clear, consistent, and confident. (For example: You might list specific moments in the day when you should prompt toilet use, so you keep potty training consistent.)
Make a list of potty training challenges your child is facing or might face, and try to understand why.
Has your child encountered any of Glowacki’s listed challenges? Or, if they haven’t started potty training yet, are there any challenges you’re particularly worried about?
When does your child encounter this obstacle in particular? Why do you think it’s a challenge for them? (For example: If your child is making a genuine attempt to poop but cannot, they might have constipation.)
Based on your answer to the question above, identify how you might ease this difficulty for your child.