1-Page Summary

Ideas regarding sex in traditional mainstream culture are centered around male anatomy and satisfaction—penetration is the pinnacle of sex, and we know sex is over when the man ejaculates. However, Ian Kerner explains that these beliefs often leave women unsatisfied. In She Comes First, Kerner explains that for sex to adequately satisfy both partners, we need to change the narrative—men need to make sure their female partner “comes” first. And the best way to accomplish this, Kerner argues, is by focusing on cunnilingus.

Ian Kerner is a psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex therapy, couples therapy, and relational issues that lead to distress. He received his doctorate in Clinical Sexology from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists where he is currently a faculty member. Kerner began focusing on female pleasure because he struggled with premature ejaculation and feeling inadequate in the bedroom. After years of studying human sexuality and honing his techniques through personal experience, Kener realized that the key to having amazing sex is to master the art of cunnilingus so she orgasms first. When his partner came first, Kerner felt more satisfied with his abilities and experienced a better orgasm than ever before.

She Comes First is an instruction manual for men on how to perform cunnilingus that will satisfy their female partner, and in turn, produce the best sex possible. Kerner notes that while his book was written primarily for a male audience, his advice will benefit anyone who has a female partner. This guide will explain the female sexual anatomy, the techniques that are proven to make women feel good, and how you can integrate these techniques into your next intimate session so that your female partner reaches a satisfying orgasm. Throughout the guide, we’ll contextualize Kerner’s claims by providing input from sex experts like Emily Nagoski, supplement his advice with recommendations from other cunnilingus guides, and elaborate on the science behind some of his claims.

(Shortform note: While Kerner doesn’t address this in the book, it appears that his guide is about how to perform cunnilingus on cisgender women specifically. His advice in She Comes First is based on cisgender female anatomy and research performed on cisgender women.)

Male-Centric Sexual Misconceptions

Kerner explains that traditional beliefs about sex—like what it’s supposed to entail, how long it’s supposed to last, and how to know when it’s over—are based on male anatomy and rarely result in female orgasm. So the first step in learning how to please your female partner is to understand what these beliefs are and why they prevent female orgasms.

The Impact of Male-Centric Sexual Beliefs

Kener’s assertion that traditional beliefs about sex are based on male anatomy isn’t new and has been repeated by numerous sex experts; however, many believe that the consequences of these beliefs are more far-reaching than Kerner discusses. Kerner focuses primarily on the fact that male-centric sexual beliefs lead to fewer female orgasms. However, In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski adds that these beliefs also cause poor well-being and unrealistic self-expectations for women.

She elaborates that women feel pressured to meet male sexual expectations regarding appearance and performance. Women are expected to have small, contained vulvas, to get extremely wet when aroused, and not to ejaculate. However, Nagoski explains that all vulvas look different, not all women get extremely wet when aroused, and some women naturally ejaculate during orgasm. When women internalize these male-centric expectations and fail to meet them, they feel poorly about themselves and ashamed of their bodies.

First, most men believe that penetration is the part of sex that feels best for men and women; however, Kerner explains that this is not the case for the vast majority of women. Most women need external clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, and vaginal penetration alone fails to do this (we’ll further explain these anatomical details later in the guide). Consequently, men are more likely than women to orgasm during sex.

(Shortform note: Kerner explains that men are more likely than women to orgasm during sex because their preferred method (penetration) is based on what pleases them, not what pleases women. Experts agree that heterosexual women generally have lower rates of orgasm than their male partners and add that women in lesbian relationships are much more likely to orgasm during sex. Whereas heterosexual women orgasm during sex with a familiar partner 61.6% of the time, lesbians orgasm 74.7% of the time. Researchers suggest that this might be because the expectation to prioritize male sexual pleasure is absent in lesbian relationships.)

Second, men can both get aroused and reach orgasm much faster than women. Whereas most men orgasm within two minutes of stimulation, women generally need more than 21 minutes of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm (not including foreplay). Consequently, men tend to orgasm before their female partner is even close.

(Shortform note: Many experts agree with Kerner that the fast pace of male arousal and orgasm can cause issues with sexual compatibility among heterosexual couples. However, some believe that these issues may dissipate as men get older. They elaborate that starting around age 50, the pace of male arousal and orgasm tend to slow down and more closely align with that of women—rather than getting quickly aroused and erect from thoughts alone, men over 50 tend to need more physical stimulation and foreplay. This leaves more time for kissing, cuddling, touching, and so on, which provides women with the proper foreplay they need before sex and makes the experience more satisfying for both partners.)

Third, sex is traditionally over once the man ejaculates. Kerner explains that this is because after ejaculating, men tend to quickly lose their erection, arousal, and energy and need a long recovery period before being able to have sex again. This is called the “refractory period” and varies in length between men. Since men usually orgasm first and then tap out, women often don’t get the chance to orgasm at all before the session is over.

Ultimately, traditional beliefs about sex deny women the proper stimulation and time needed for them to reach orgasm. So to ensure that your female partner is equally satisfied during sex, Kerner says you must ensure that she orgasms first.

Time Your Orgasm Based on Your Sexual Response and Refractory Period

Kerner explains that men should make sure their female partner orgasms first because they most likely won’t be ready to perform for a while after their own orgasm. However, this generalization may not apply to all men—men dealing with premature ejaculation may actually benefit from orgasming before their female partner. If a man facing premature ejaculation orgasms before the sexual session gets going, they can please their partner during their refractory period and be ready to enjoy a second, longer session of stimulation after their partner’s orgasm.

To decide whether this technique will work for you, you also need to understand your body and what causes variations in refractory periods, information that Kerner mostly skims over. Age plays a large part in the length of a man’s refractory period—younger men, especially teens, may need as little as 30 minutes while older men may need 24 hours or more. Drinking alcohol or masturbating frequently may also increase your refractory period.

So if you’re a young man with premature ejaculation who masturbates infrequently and refrains from alcohol, orgasming before pleasing your partner may be a good idea—contrary to Kerner’s advice.

Female Sexual Anatomy

To make sure your female partner has a satisfying orgasm, Kerner says you must understand her sexual anatomy—where her pleasure points are, how to stimulate them, and how her body reaches orgasm.

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(Shortform note: The above diagram serves as a point of reference for the “Female Sexual Anatomy” section as well as the “How to Achieve Female Orgasm” section.)

The Clitoral Network

Kerner explains that all female orgasms come from clitoral stimulation. The clitoris nerve network is spread throughout the female sexual region. The outside of this region is called the vulva and the inside is called the vagina.

The clitoris is primarily stimulated from the vulva where the nerves are most sensitive—only a small bundle of clitoral nerves can be stimulated from inside the vagina. Kerner elaborates that the external clitoral nerves are extremely sensitive (much more than the penis) which is why cunnilingus is the best way to stimulate them—the tongue is soft, gentle, and can be far more precise than your penis or fingers.

The most sensitive part of the clitoral network, and the part that drives most female orgasms, is the clitoral head. Kerner warns that the head is so sensitive that overstimulation can be uncomfortable, or even painful, making orgasms difficult.

History of the Clitoris

In She Comes First, Kerner explains that the clitoris is the key for women to reach orgasm, and that it’s a far-reaching nerve network spreading from the outside of the vulva, through the pelvis, and into the vaginal canal. Experts explain that medical professionals have only recently understood the full extent of the clitoral network and its functions (like the ultra-sensitivity of the clitoral head and the other hot spots in and around the vagina that stimulate the clitoris). This knowledge gap, which Kerner attempts to fill, is largely due to an intentional exclusion of women from medical research until recently and a dismissal of information regarding female sexual health for years afterward.

The primary reason why women have historically been excluded from medical research is that female anatomy was often considered to be “taboo.” In the 20th century, researchers excluded women from clinical trials because (1) they thought male and female bodies were essentially the same, (2) they worried that fluctuations in hormones during menstruation would throw off results, and (3) they didn’t want research to impact women’s fertility. They add that the full anatomy of the clitoris wasn’t discovered until 1998, only 5 years before the original publication of She Comes First. Even today, most textbooks inadequately portray the clitoris, lacking detail and including inaccuracies.

She Comes First is one of the first efforts to relay the true nature of the clitoris to the public. Since its publication, a number of individuals have joined the effort including Sophie Wallace, who calls the subject “cliteracy.”

After the clitoral head, the most sensitive part of the vulva is the front commissure where the clitoral shaft is visible. A similarly sensitive point is the spot below the head where the inner lips of the vagina meet, called the frenulum. Next is the perineum—the stretch of skin between the vaginal entrance and the anus. After the frenulum is the labia minora—the sensitive inner lips that protect the head, urethra, and vagina. Last but not least is the labia majora, or the outer lips. Kerner emphasizes that each of these parts are very important in the arousal and stimulation process, regardless of where they rank from most to least sensitive.

During Kerner’s instructions on cunnilingus, he also references a few other parts of the female anatomy that aren't very sensitive but can be used to help stimulate your partner. First, there’s the fourchette—the point right below the vaginal entrance where the inner lips meet. Next is the mons pubis, the bony area above the vulva where pubic hair usually grows. Finally, the anus can also be a point of stimulation.

Anatomy of Transgender Women With Vulvas

She Comes First is a guide on how to make women orgasm through cunnilingus and as such, Kerner provides a list of important parts of the female sexual anatomy you should stimulate. However, the parts he lists above are specific to cisgender women who were assigned female at birth (AFAB). Some readers may have a female partner who was assigned male at birth (AMAB) and has had a vulvoplasty—a surgery that creates a vulva. To properly stimulate the vulvas of these women, we need to understand the sensitive parts of their anatomy and how they may differ from those of cisgender women.

During a vulvoplasty, the penis, scrotum, and testes are removed; the sensitive tissues at the head of the penis (called the glans) are made into the clitoral head; and the rest of the vulva—specifically the mons pubis, labia minora and majora, and clitoral hood—are formed using the scrotal tissue.

Women who’ve had a vulvoplasty will maintain the perineum and anus which both men and women have. However, they won’t have a front commissure or clitoral shaft. Further, vulvoplasty doesn’t create a vagina so she won’t have a fourchette.

After a vulvoplasty, a woman’s most sensitive to least sensitive parts will generally be the clitoral head, the frenulum, the clitoral hood, the perineum, the labia minora, labia majora, the mons pubis, and then the anus. However, transgender women emphasize that every body is different, especially after surgery, so it’s important to ask your partner what they prefer. For example, some may prefer primarily anal play during cunnilingus rather than a clitoral focus.

The Four Steps of Sexual Response

Once you understand the clitorial network and its key players, Kerner explains that you must understand the female sexual response process. Kerner divides the process into four steps: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

Criticism of the Four-Phase Model

In the book, Kerner describes the female sexual response with the traditional “four-phase” model. However, this model has been widely criticized as having a male bias.

First, the traditional model assumes that “excitement”—the mental desire and physiological preparation for sex (like the vagina lubricating and the penis getting erect)—can happen automatically without any physical stimulation. While this is the experience of many men, it isn’t true for most women. Further, the model asserts that the sexual response process is linear—you experience excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution in that order and then the process is over. While this is mostly true for men, women can move forward and backward through the steps and experience the model as a continual cycle—resolution can lead seamlessly back into excitement and start the process over again.

In response to this criticism, multiple newer models have been developed including the triphasic model, the circular model, and the dual-control model. We’ll elaborate on each of these models in later commentary.

The first step in the process of female sexual response is excitement. When a woman first becomes aroused, her mind and body prepare her for a sexual encounter. First, chemicals and hormones are released that emotionally prepare her for sex. Then her body responds—breasts increase in size, blood flow to the pelvic area increases, the clitoral head protrudes from the hood, and the vagina begins to lubricate.

After excitement is plateau, the stage where arousal tends to increase until it’s released through orgasm. During the process, muscle tension will build, the clitoral network will become more sensitive and the clitoral head will go back into its hood, and breathing and heart rate will increase. Right before orgasm, the clitoral head will emerge again.

The Triphasic and Dual-Control Models of Sexual Response

As we explained previously, critics argue that the four-phase model has a male bias. In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski explains that the triphasic model amends this criticism by adding to and re-conceptualizing the two steps discussed above, excitement and plateau.

The triphasic model presents three steps of sexual response: desire, arousal, and orgasm. Desire occurs when your brain responds to stimuli and you feel that you want sex. Arousal is when your body responds to your desire—it prepares for sex and moves toward orgasm, often through physical stimulation. Orgasm is when your body has hit peak arousal and releases tension through orgasm.

The triphasic model differs from the four-phase model in two main ways. First, whereas the four-phase model implies that desire and arousal happen simultaneously during the excitement stage, the triphasic model asserts that our brains must experience desire before our bodies can respond with arousal. Second, the triphasic model combines the stages of excitement and plateau into “arousal” and the stages of orgasm and resolution into “orgasm.”

However, the triphasic model fails to explain the even more detailed neurological process of desire. This is where the dual-control model is introduced. The dual-control model explains that there are two systems that help us determine whether or not we want to have sex. The first system is the Sexual Excitement System, and its role is to scan our environment for stimuli that sexually excite us. The other system is the Sexual Inhibition System, and it scans our environment for stimuli that suggest we shouldn’t have sex. If the Sexual Excitement System overrules the Sexual Inhibition System, we experience desire.

After plateau, the next step is orgasm. Orgasm is when the built-up tension from plateau releases all at once. When orgasm occurs, the vaginal walls contract rhythmically and the woman will experience waves of pleasure for 10-20 seconds on average. Some women release ejaculate—Kerner notes that this is a unique alkaline liquid from the female equivalent of the prostate, not urine.

(Shortform note: Kerner’s 10-20 second estimation of the average female orgasm may actually be on the short end—longer female orgasms can last between 20 seconds and two minutes, and one study showed that 40% of women polled experienced 30-60 second orgasms. Further research shows that, as Kerner explains, some women ejaculate and some don’t—but the statistics on the commonality of female ejaculation aren’t settled—a 2017 study reported that nearly 70% of women ejaculate, while other estimates range from 10% to 50%. And while Kerner claims that female ejaculate is not urine, recent studies show that female ejaculate is mostly urine—the alkaline secretions Kerner mentions make up a marginal percentage of the liquid.)

The final step is resolution—the stage where she returns to a pre-aroused state. Kerner explains that this stage varies greatly between men and women. Women take much longer than men to return to this state, meaning that they remain aroused longer and can have consecutive orgasms. Further, whereas men tend to be tired after orgasm, women tend to want more interaction like talking and cuddling.

The Circular Model of Sexual Response

Resolution is the final stage of the four-phase model. However, Kerner’s explanation of the resolution stage departs from the traditional four-phase model by asserting that women may be able to restart the sexual response process from stage one almost immediately after stage four. This explanation of the resolution phase more closely aligns with the more recent circular model of sexual response.

The circular model proposes four stages of sexual response: seduction (encompassing the triphasic stage of desire), sensations (encompassing the excitement and plateau stages of the four-phase model), surrender (the orgasm stage), and reflection (the resolution stage of the four-phase model). The main differences between the circular model and the four-phase model are that the circular model adds the desire stage before the excitement stage and asserts that a satisfying sexual experience may cause the female resolution phase to lead seamlessly back to stage 1, desire, like Kerner explains.

So while Kerner uses the linear four-phase model to explain the female sexual response process, his explanation of the resolution stage suggests that he actually views the female sexual response process as cyclical, not linear.

How to Achieve Female Orgasm

Now that you understand the basic functions of female sexual anatomy, it’s time to focus on when, how, and where to touch your female partner so you can walk her through each stage of the sexual response process until she reaches orgasm. Kerner breaks this process down into three steps: foreplay, cunnilingus, and after-play.

This section will lay out Kerner’s techniques for how to get her aroused with foreplay, how to make her orgasm with cunnilingus, and how to continue the fun after she orgasms with after-play.

Foreplay

Kerner defines foreplay as everything that comes before clitoral stimulation. He explains that stimulating your female partner before touching her clitoris is necessary because women require anticipation to become properly aroused.

(Shortform note: Kerner says that foreplay—stimulating your partner before touching her clitoris—is fundamental for a sexual encounter because women require anticipation to become properly aroused. This is because whereas sex begins in the body for men, sex begins in the mind for women. This is due to the different levels of testosterone between men and women. Testosterone is the hormone that causes physiological desire and is typically much higher in men than in women. Consequently, women need more mental stimulation—what Kerner calls anticipation—than men to get sufficiently aroused.)

Kerner recommends several techniques to pique her anticipation and arousal:

  1. Drop hints throughout the day with sexy messages, phone calls, whispers, and touches.
  2. Fantasize together—talk about the things you both crave and incorporate them into your next session. For example, lingerie, restraints, candles, music, and so on.
  3. Touch her body tenderly—romantic touches such as stroking her hair, kissing her forehead, or rubbing her feet can increase mental and physical arousal.
  4. Touch her body sensually—touching sensual areas like her breasts, nipples, inner thighs, and labia majora once she’s aroused can quickly intensify her anticipation. Kerner adds that using artificial lubrication can help.

Foreplay Is an Ongoing Process

Kerner explains that foreplay can be an extended process that starts to build sexual tension hours before a sexual encounter. This was a newer idea in 2003 when She Comes First was published, as foreplay had previously been considered the sexual activities that come immediately before sex. Since the book’s publication, other sex experts have developed Kerner’s concept of foreplay even further.

While Kerner extended the amount of time the foreplay process lasts before sex, some experts now define foreplay as an ongoing process or cycle that continues throughout a relationship—it begins after the last orgasm, continues until the next one, and then starts again immediately after. This is because instead of conceptualizing foreplay as a set of arousing activities and behaviors that come before sex, as Kerner and many others do, they view foreplay as the mood you live in with your partner and an energy that runs through your relationship.

Whereas Kerner recommends activities that will help you engage in foreplay (sexy hints, fantasizing, tender physicality, and sensual physicality), these experts argue that the best way to practice foreplay is by embracing a specific mindset that shapes how you view your partner and your relationship. If you adopt a playful, inquisitive, and sometimes teasing mindset, it will keep your relationship in a near-constant state of flirtation and anticipation, stave off dullness, and allow you to handle conflict without turning to contempt.

Kerner says sufficient foreplay should last at least 10-15 minutes, and you should wait until her arousal and anticipation have peaked before moving to cunnilingus. However, he notes that the typical indications of arousal like natural vaginal lubrication aren’t always accurate indicators—some women may get wet without being very aroused, and others may be very aroused but not very wet. To more accurately judge when to move to the next step, look for changes in her breathing pattern (like irregular breathing) and tightening of her abdominal muscles.

(Shortform note: Kerner notes that you should engage in foreplay for at least 10-15 minutes before your female partner will be sufficiently aroused, and research seems to mostly corroborate these claims. Researchers asked 152 heterosexual couples to report on how long they wanted foreplay to last and how long their foreplay actually lasted. On average, women wanted 19 minutes of foreplay and reportedly spent 11. Men wanted an average of 18 minutes of foreplay and reportedly spent 13. The average amount of time spent, 12 minutes, falls within Kerner’s 10-15 minute range.)

Cunnilingus

Once your female partner is sufficiently aroused, Kerner says that it’s time to move on to cunnilingus where you’ll build her arousal even further until she orgasms. We can break Kerner’s process down into four major steps: making first contact, establishing rhythm, introducing manual stimulation, and bringing her to orgasm. This process should take anywhere from 15-45 minutes, not including foreplay.

(Shortform note: Kerner explains that cunnilingus is the step where you build your partner’s arousal until she orgasms and that this should take about 15-45 minutes. However, this large window of time may leave some wondering what exactly to expect. Sex experts provide a narrower window based on recent research, explaining that it takes women between six and 20 minutes to orgasm during partnered sex with an average of 14 minutes. So while Kerner’s low-end estimate of 15 minutes is fairly close to the average time needed for women to orgasm with a partner, his high-end estimate of 45 minutes seems a little extreme compared to the 20-minute high-end estimate experts report.)

Step #1: First Contact

Kerner places special emphasis on the moment you first make contact with your partner’s clitoris because this is the moment she’s been anticipating—Kerner calls this the “first kiss.”

The first step in making contact is getting into a comfortable and practical position. Kerner says to avoid any positions that could make things difficult, uncomfortable, or distracting. Instead, she should be on her back with her legs slightly bent and spread just enough for your head to fit between them. You can prop a pillow beneath her neck, head, and buttocks to direct blood flow to her vulva and increase her comfort—the pillow under her buttocks will also make it easier for you to reach her sexual parts.

(Shortform note: While many cunnilingus guides completely overlook this step, sex educators reiterate Kerner’s claim that getting into a position that’s comfortable for her and you is a vital first step. They elaborate that the position Kerner recommends—the woman on her back with pillows behind her neck and under her buttocks—is called “missionary oral.” If you don’t want to use pillows, they explain that you can alternatively have your partner scoot her bum to the edge of the bed to gain clear access to her vulva and vagina.)

Next, give her a final burst of anticipation. You’ll be in position at this point so she knows what’s coming—but make her want it even more. Kiss her inner thighs, outer corners of her vulva, outer lips, and even the top of her clitoral head. Make sure to use short, pursed kisses with no tongue. You can also do this through her panties before removing or pushing them aside for first contact.

(Shortform note: Before the first kiss, Kerner says you should give your partner a final burst of anticipation with pursed kisses on her vulva, potentially through her panties. While Kerner only briefly mentions using panties as a barrier to build anticipation, sex experts highly recommend this step. They also add that before removing her panties, you should ask your partner for her consent to do so. They elaborate that some women might want to keep their panties on throughout cunnilingus, especially if they have a highly sensitive clitoris.)

Then make contact. Your first lick should be a slow and soft one starting at the vaginal entrance, moving lightly over the clitoral head, and ending at the commissure where you should press the clitoral shaft with the tip of your tongue for a moment.

(Shortform note: Other cunnilingus guides agree that it’s important to make sure your first contact is slow and soft. Stimulating the clitoris too aggressively and failing to communicate about how things feel are two of the most common mistakes men make while giving cunnilingus. To avoid these pitfalls, take a slightly different approach to the first kiss: Stimulate the edges of the clitoris—top, bottom, and both sides—and ask your partner how the pressure feels and if she wants more or less.)

Step #2: Rhythm

After you make first contact, start to create a rhythm with your tongue strokes. Kerner emphasizes that it’s important to strike a balance between action and stillness when performing cunnilingus. If you move too fast, you’ll sabotage her anticipation and may overstimulate her, ultimately decreasing arousal.

Rhythm and Orgasm: A Breakthrough Topic

Kerner explains that creating a rhythm is necessary to make your partner orgasm because you must strike a balance between action and stillness to build the arousal and anticipation that leads to orgasm. However, Kerner doesn’t provide any scientific evidence that supports this claim. This lack of evidence is probably because the correlation between rhythmic stimulation and orgasm wasn't explored by scientists until 2016—12 years after She Comes First was published. So Kerner was actually at the forefront of an entirely new field of study.

Researchers from Northwestern University explain that rhythmic activity causes us to enter a trance-like state where the combination of intense focus and repeated motion forms neural pathways (highways for nerve signals) between different parts of the brain. They theorize that rhythm is what causes orgasm because with each repeated motion, neural pathways are extended and nerve signals reach further and further until the orgasmic threshold is reached. However, research in the area is very limited and this theory has yet to be proven.

Taking this into account, Kerner recommends a system to establish rhythm and increase arousal:

  1. Press your tongue against her vulva, break contact for a split second, perform the same long, slow lick from first contact, and repeat for a few minutes.
  2. Next, perform half-licks and stop before the clitoral head so that you avoid it and don’t overstimulate her—it should then go back into the hood. You can focus on other regions like the labia, but maintain a rhythm.
  3. When the head re-emerges, press the tip of your tongue against it for a long moment at the end of a lick.
  4. Repeat steps two and three for a few minutes.

(Shortform note: Kerner’s assertion that rhythm is necessary to achieve orgasm is fairly unique. As such, many cunnilingus guides don’t discuss the importance of rhythm. However, some experts do emphasize the need to provide a break from direct clitoral stimulation. One guide suggests doing this by using the tip of your tongue to stimulate the “underside of the clitoral shaft” with light licks every 10-15 seconds. While this advice both establishes rhythm and occasionally avoids the head to prevent overstimulation, as Kerner suggests, licking the underside of the shaft would be impossible since it’s covered by tissue. This expert may instead be referring to the frenulum, the point below the shaft and directly beneath the head.)

Step #3: Manual Stimulation

Once you’ve established a rhythm that increases her arousal and continues to build anticipation, Kerner says you can introduce manual stimulation with your hands and fingers. You should maintain tongue strokes while doing so.

Kerner recommends introducing manual stimulation gradually. Start by tracing her labia with your fingers, gently pinching them, stimulating the front commissure, tapping the frenulum, and teasing her fourchette and vaginal entrance. Then, slowly insert your index finger about two inches into her vagina and hold it still. Your other free hand should go under her buttocks to keep her in place. You can squeeze them together for a more advanced move.

(Shortform note: Kerner’s recommendations about what to do with your hands—tracing, tapping, and squeezing the areas around the vulva and putting a finger inside her vagina while maintaining your tongue strokes—are echoed across numerous cunnilingus guides. However, some add unique recommendations Kerner doesn’t address. For example, you can gently twist your finger while you slide it in and out of the vaginal entrance. Or, you can pinch her nipples or grasp her hips.)

Once she’s adjusted to your finger, you can curl it up toward her belly button in a “come here” motion and press against the vaginal ceiling with your fingertip—this will stimulate her internal clitoral nerves. Once she’s adjusted, you can insert your middle finger as well. While you do this, you can integrate a more advanced move by pressing your hand to her mons pubis and pushing slightly upward—this will expose the clitoral head and make her more sensitive to your tongue strokes.

(Shortform note: Kerner advises to ramp up your partner’s arousal by manually stimulating her internal and external clitoral nerve simultaneously. However, if your partner takes longer than average to get aroused and orgasm, your tongue and fingers might begin to tire at this point. Luckily, sex experts explain that there are sex toys that can fulfill Kerner’s advice without exhausting you further. Some toys are designed to stimulate either the internal or external clitoral nerves, but there are also toys specifically designed to provide rhythmic internal and external clitoral stimulation simultaneously so you can take a break.)

Kerner recommends a few more advanced moves that you may want to consider integrating at this time:

(1) Switch up your tongue strokes. You can integrate horizontal strokes, diagonal strokes, quick, repetitive strokes, gently suck the clitoral head, or press a flat tongue against her so she can move against you.

(Shortform note: Sex experts agree that you should try out different tongue strokes during cunnilingus, but some of their advice slightly differs from Kerner’s. Like Kerner, they recommend side-to-side strokes (horizontal) and sucking the clitoral head. However, they don’t mention Kerner’s advice to perform quick repetitive strokes, diagonal strokes, or to press a flat tongue against her clitoris and let her move against you. On the other hand, they add a few techniques that Kerner doesn’t mention: Pulsate on one spot, and perform clockwise or counterclockwise circles with your tongue.)

(2) Adjust your fingers. You can add a third finger depending on what’s comfortable for her. You can also use your thumb to stimulate the anus or press her perineum.

(Shortform note: Kerner mentions that some women may enjoy anal and perineal stimulation. Experts elaborate that some women actually prefer stimulation in these spots over clitoral stimulation, and can orgasm from this alone. This is called an anal orgasm. If your partner thinks she may prefer anal stimulation or wants to try having an anal orgasm, experts recommend stimulating the anal region with your tongue, fingers, or toys like anal plugs, beads, or vibrators.)

Step #4: Approaching Orgasm

Kerner says that to bring her toward orgasm, increase pressure on her clitoris and provide her with a point of resistance to increase muscular tension. To do this, press your gums against her front commissure. This will allow you to provide direct pressure to her clitoral head with regular tongue sweeps. It will also create a point of resistance that she can move against to create her own rhythm if she desires. Kerner says you should also place your hand back under her buttocks if you previously removed it—this will keep her in place and provide another point of resistance.

Muscle Tension Is Critical for Female Orgasms

Throughout the guide, Kerner repeats that gradually increasing clitoral stimulation is the key to making a woman orgasm. However, he introduces another vital component to female orgasm in the above section: muscular tension. While Kerner briefly discusses the importance of muscular tension and providing your partner with points of resistance, he doesn’t fully elaborate on why tension is so important and where the main tension points are.

Experts elaborate that women need to tense their muscles to orgasm because it stimulates nerve endings within the muscles (called proprioceptors). This nerve stimulation is then sent to the brain and interpreted as arousal, bringing her closer to orgasm. They add that many women use their buttocks, thighs, and pelvis as orgasm-inducing tension points. While Kerner doesn’t specifically mention the importance of these tension points, his advice to apply points of resistance against the front commissure and buttocks would make it easier for women to increase tension in these hotspots.

Kerner says you must maintain pressure on the clitoral head and internal clitoral nerves as she approaches orgasm. This will make the orgasm more powerful by essentially giving her two orgasms at once—one internally and one externally—called a blended orgasm. The following are indications that she’s about to orgasm: her breathing and heart rate are rapid, her muscles are in a high tension state, her ears and face are flushed, her hands and abdomen are hot, and you can feel her vulva pulsing.

(Shortform note: Kerner claims that since all orgasms come from the clitoris, you should focus on two different parts of the clitoral network to give your partner a stronger, two-front orgasm (called a blended orgasm). However, recent research disproves Kerner’s claim that all orgasms are clitoral, which suggests that there may be other ways to achieve blended orgasms. They elaborate that women can also orgasm from nipple stimulation because it sends signals to the same part of the brain that’s responsible for genital sensations. So instead of focusing solely on the clitoris, you may be able to achieve a blended orgasm through a combination of clitoral head and nipple stimulation.)

Don’t stop your tongue strokes until you know her orgasm is over. During her orgasm, apply light, quick swipes over the clitoral head. Kerner says you’ll know she’s orgasming when her vagina contracts and releases repeatedly, her muscles are tensing and releasing, her breathing and heart rate have soared, and (with some women) she ejaculates clear fluid. You’ll know she’s done when she’s come to a complete stop and recoils from your tongue.

(Shortform note: Kerner recommends continuing your tongue strokes throughout your partner’s orgasm to ensure that you’re giving her a complete experience. This tip is important to keep in mind as men often get distracted and rush through their partner’s orgasm with the expectation that she’ll perform oral sex on them next. Many women report having had this experience and deem it one of the biggest turn-offs.)

After-Play

Kerner explains that women can orgasm repeatedly, so once she’s achieved her first orgasm, you can move on to other forms of sexual play that will make you orgasm as well. However, before moving on, give her a few minutes to cool down. To do this, return to foreplay activities—kiss her, embrace, and share soft touches.

(Shorform note: While Kerner says your partner will need a short cool-down period before being ready for sexual stimulation again, experts explain that this isn’t the case for all women. While most women do need a short refractory period, some are able to have something called “rolling orgasms”—these are orgasms that lead seamlessly into one another. So rather than moving on to focus on other parts of her body after her orgasm, she may want you to maintain clitoral stimulation.)

When she’s back to her aroused state, you can move on to other forms of play such as penetration. Kerner says certain positions can improve her likelihood of having another orgasm, such as having her on top facing you. This will press her clitoral head against your pubic bone and stimulate her internal clitoral nerves with your penis.

(Shortform note: While vaginal penetration is a great way to produce multiple orgasms after cunnilingus, experts recommend a few other options. For example, you may want to try anal penetration—this will stimulate the penis while providing a different form of stimulation to your partner. You can also try exaggerating your breathing or syncing your breathing with your partner’s.)

When your session is over, make sure to give your female partner proper aftercare. Whereas men are usually tired after orgasm and want to sleep, women want to maintain intimacy. To sustain and deepen your sexual relationship, spend 10-15 minutes cuddling or talking.

(Shortform note: Kener says that to continue having good sex in the future, you should cuddle, talk, and spend some time together after your session. While after-care is important and you don’t need to hop out of bed immediately, experts note a few more post-sex tasks that are necessary if you want to have good sex in the future. (1) Clean up—wash your hands, genitals, and any sex toys you used. This will prevent possible infections that can make sex painful. (2) Go pee—bacteria can enter your urethra during sex and cause uncomfortable infections. (3) Wear loose clothing—tight clothing can create a moist, warm environment where bacteria like yeast thrives.)

Exercise: Spark Her Arousal

Kerner explains that before you begin to touch your partner's clitoris, you need to get her sufficiently aroused. To do this, you should engage in at least 10-15 minutes of foreplay. However, you can start the arousal process hours in advance if you plan ahead.