What is love, really? In The Art of Loving, psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm argues that what most people think of as love is actually a form of false love—giving affection only to get something in return—instead of genuine, mature love. He believes that this failure to truly achieve loving connection is why so many people are unhappy, despite having all their basic needs met. However, if we can learn how to genuinely love others, we’ll be happier and less isolated.
(Shortform note: Couples therapist Esther Perel agrees that the root of widespread unhappiness is the fact that most modern relationships are built on a false form of love. According to Perel, the reason most people only achieve false love is that, in the last century, we’ve largely thrown out the economic and religious rule books that once governed relationships. Now, we’re figuring out how to build genuine relationships from scratch—and because we’re inexperienced, we often settle for false love without realizing it’s false.)
In this guide, we’ll begin by examining Fromm’s ideas on the purpose of love. Then, we’ll examine the types of false love that people often mistake for genuine love. Finally, we’ll learn what genuine love looks like and how to practice it.
According to Fromm, humans seek out love as a way to cope with the pain of isolation and separation from each other. The moment we develop our own identity—the moment we understand ourselves as an individual rather than an extension of our parents—we begin to feel the anxiety that comes with separation. In Fromm’s view, this separation anxiety is the fundamental driver of all human activity. More than anything else, we all want to feel connected: to each other, to a higher power, to nature, to something.
(Shortform note: Fromm frames the urge to overcome separation as an existential concern, but it may have a more fundamental, evolutionary explanation. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller argue that our instinctive urge to connect is an evolutionary adaptation. In prehistoric times, pairs of humans had a better shot at survival than loners, so people who were naturally drawn to connect with others lived long enough to pass on their genes. As a result, almost all modern humans are biologically driven to connect with others.)
In this section, we’ll explore some of the less ideal ways in which humans have pursued this connection. Then, in the next sections, we’ll see how humans have pursued this connection through genuine and false expressions of love.
Throughout history, different societies have pursued this connection in different ways. Some use what Fromm calls “orgiastic states,” which are intense, short-lived experiences that induce powerful feelings of connection. These can take the form of hallucinogenic drug ceremonies, group trance meditations, and even sexual orgies. These experiences are often part of tribal rituals that provide periodic relief from the pain of separation.
(Shortform note: Fromm argues that this form of bonding through intense shared experiences has died out in most modern societies, but it still plays a prominent role in modern institutions such as the military. For example, United States Marine Corps training is designed to push recruits to their mental and physical limits, thereby creating the unshakeable social bonds they’ll need to rely on in combat situations.)
While these rituals are rarer in modern society, Fromm thinks that alcoholism and drug addiction are individualized forms of them. People use drugs to numb the pain of separation temporarily—but because they’re doing it alone rather than as part of a ritual with their whole tribe, they experience shame, and then keep using the drug to drown out that shame as much as possible. (Shortform note: Modern science confirms Fromm’s instinct that isolation triggers a vicious cycle of addiction. Studies show that loneliness can trigger or worsen drug addiction; addiction, in turn, can damage relationships, which only increases feelings of loneliness.)
According to Fromm, societies that no longer endorse intense communal rituals have their own way of numbing the pain of separation: conformity. When people conform to the expectations of the group, they sacrifice their individual identities in order to feel connected to others and part of something greater than themselves, which provides relief from the pain of separation.
(Shortform note: Like the desire to pair off, the desire to conform might also have an evolutionary explanation underlying Fromm’s logic. Early in human history, individuals who kept close to the group were less likely to be picked off by a predator than those who went their own way; conformity was a survival tactic. Therefore, our modern desire to connect to others through conformity might stem from very primal instincts.)
To Fromm, the most common way that modern people pursue connection is through false love. Fromm believes that false love is more common than genuine love in modern society because of the rise of capitalism, which requires people to turn their energy into a tradable good in the form of labor: They give labor and get money in return. As a result, we’re less inclined to give ourselves freely; the idea of giving someone time and energy without getting anything in return (which is an expression of genuine love) has become unthinkable. Instead, we practice false love, in which we only give affection in order to get something in return.
(Shortform note: While Fromm argues that all transactional relationships must be forms of false love by default, other psychologists argue that genuine love must include some measure of reciprocity. In that view, giving someone endless time and energy without expecting anything in return is an unhealthy practice. Instead, genuinely loving relationships should be interdependent: Both partners should be able to count on receiving affection, attention, and trust from the other. This expectation isn’t rooted in capitalism—it’s rooted in the understanding that all healthy relationships require give and take.)
Fromm describes a few main categories of false love. We’ll explore each of these categories below:
This is the model of love that Sigmund Freud proposed, in which love is merely the expression of sexual desire—specifically, every man’s desire to sleep with every woman he possibly can. Freud believed that all other forms of love were diluted versions of this primary desire. According to Fromm, this empty desire is a form of false love because it doesn’t involve nourishment, responsiveness, acceptance, or genuine understanding.
(Shortform note: Other philosophers have a more charitable view of love as sexual desire. For example, the Greek philosopher Plato believed that, with effort, people could use the sexual desire they feel for one person to open their eyes to beauty in all its forms. People could then funnel this new awareness into genuine love for all of humanity: In other words, they could convert false love based on sexual desire into genuine Platonic love.)
A second form of false love is the idea of love as a partnership, in which two people love each other solely to increase their odds of succeeding in a capitalist society. While they care for one another, their primary loyalty is still to themselves—they invest in the relationship because it serves their own purposes. This kind of love mimics a business partnership. For example, a man who gets married so he will have a wife to take care of the home while he focuses on work (or a woman who gets married so she’ll have a husband to provide for her economically) is pursuing this kind of false love.
(Shortform note: This form of false love is still prevalent in the 21st century; however, men and women approach these relationships differently. A survey of Harvard Business School graduates revealed that most men expect to prioritize their own careers over their wives’ careers. In contrast, the same survey found that most women expect a more equal relationship in which each partner supports the other’s career goals. However, while their vision of an ideal relationship differs, both men and women think a healthy relationship is one that helps them succeed as workers in a capitalist society.)
Another form of false love is misplaced parental attachment. When one or both partners have unresolved parental attachments, they’ll seek a form of parental love from each other rather than genuine romantic love. However, because romantic partners typically can’t give the type of maternal or paternal love these people crave, they’re inevitably disappointed with their romantic relationships.
(Shortform note: The science of attachment supports Fromm’s analysis. In Attached, Levine and Heller argue that children whose parents aren’t caring, responsive, and attuned to their needs often develop “insecure attachments,” meaning they have a hard time trusting other people. As adults, people with insecure attachments struggle with healthy romantic relationships, just as Fromm identified.)
In Fromm’s view, the healthiest way to overcome the anxiety of separation and connect to others is through genuine love. Genuine love happens when two people join together while still maintaining their individual identities. They do not become enmeshed—instead, each is a whole person unto themselves, so they can give love to each other wholeheartedly.
(Shortform note: This definition of genuine love is similar to Simone de Beauvoir’s definition of “authentic love.” Like Fromm, she argues that for love to be authentic, both partners must recognize each other as unique individuals while still respecting each other as complete equals. Beauvoir first laid out this definition in The Second Sex, which was translated into English in 1953, so it’s possible that Fromm was influenced by her ideas.)
In this section, we’ll explore genuine love in more detail, including the requirements and types of genuine love and how to develop genuine love in your own life. Then, we’ll see how genuine love differs from false love.
According to Fromm, there are four requirements for genuine love: nourishment, responsiveness, acceptance, and understanding.
In Fromm’s view, the first requirement of genuine love is nourishment. In this case, nourishment means actively contributing to the survival and wellbeing of another person—for example, by providing them with food and shelter. (Shortform note: Fromm isn’t the only psychologist to recognize the foundational importance of nourishment: Abraham Maslow also acknowledged it in his hierarchy of needs. Physical nourishment needs such as food and shelter form the foundation of his hierarchy—we need to meet those needs before we can consider any other, just like we need to give love in the form of nourishment before we can give other types of love.)
The second requirement of genuine love is responsiveness. According to Fromm, a responsive person notices and reacts to the needs of others, whether material or emotional, rather than ignoring or abandoning them. (Shortform note: While Fromm argues that responsiveness is important in all kinds of genuine love, others point out that it’s particularly important in parent-child relationships. Noticing and responding to a child’s needs forms the basis of a secure attachment, in which the child feels completely safe and loved by their parents.)
The third requirement of genuine love is acceptance. In Fromm’s view, acceptance means to love someone as they are, without trying to change them. When you accept someone, you support and nourish their growth because they deserve the freedom to grow, not because that growth would bring them closer to who you want them to be.
(Shortform note: There is a difference between loving someone as they are and letting them walk all over you. If you’re unhappy with something about your loved one, experts agree with Fromm that you shouldn’t try to change them, but you should set boundaries to protect yourself. For example, if your partner never cleans up after himself in the kitchen, you can’t force him to be neater—but you can tell him that you won’t be giving up your personal time to clean up after him.)
The fourth and final requirement of genuine love is understanding. In this case, understanding means being able to read someone’s subtle emotional cues and understand why they feel what they feel. When you genuinely love someone, you understand who they truly are at their core.
(Shortform note: Fromm argues that understanding your loved one is crucial, but he doesn’t describe how to develop this understanding. To get to know someone on a truly intimate level, you can try psychologist Arthur Aron’s 36 questions that lead to love. The questions progress from casual to deeply vulnerable and can help you get to know your partner on a deep level in just a few hours.)
Fromm describes five types of genuine love: parental love, platonic love, self-love, romantic love, and spiritual love. We’ll explore each of these below.
In Fromm’s view, there are two archetypal types of parental love: maternal and paternal. (Fromm makes it clear that these are archetypes, not descriptions of how any particular real-life mother or father loves their children.) However, parental love is a unique case because neither maternal nor paternal love is truly genuine on its own; rather, when these types of love combine, they create the capacity for genuine love in a growing child.
To understand this, we need to define maternal and paternal love. Fromm believes that maternal love is unconditional. The archetypal mother loves her children simply because they exist, not because they accomplish anything in particular or conform to any outside expectation. According to Fromm, this kind of love makes children feel secure: They know that, no matter what mistakes they make, their mother will always love them. However, this type of love isn’t truly genuine because it is fundamentally one-directional: A child can never love her mother as selflessly as her mother loves her.
(Shortform note: Fromm believes the unconditional maternal love archetype is valuable, despite the fact that, in real life, mothers’ love for their children doesn’t always live up to this ideal. However, other scholars disagree: They argue that this ideal puts too much pressure on real-life mothers, who may not love their children unconditionally, and should be thrown out. Instead, they say we should focus on the kinds of conditions mothers set and how they set them, aiming to do so in the most loving way possible.)
On the other hand, Fromm believes paternal love is conditional. The archetypal father loves his children only as much as they live up to his expectations. This type of love inspires children to work hard, obey, and ultimately excel. However, this type of love also isn’t truly genuine precisely because it’s conditional. (Shortform note: Fromm argues that there’s a place for conditional love in child-raising, but other experts disagree because conditional love can have harmful effects on a child’s wellbeing. For example, research shows that kids who experience conditional parental love have lower self-worth and are more likely to engage in destructive behaviors.)
While neither of these types of love is truly genuine on their own, Fromm believes that over the course of a typical childhood, they combine to produce genuine parental love. At first, very young children are solely focused on maternal love; its presence or absence defines their world. However, older children are more focused on trying to earn paternal love through their behavior and accomplishments. Fromm argues that children who grow into well-adjusted adults learn how to internalize both these forms of love: They see themselves as unconditionally worthy while still holding themselves to high expectations.
(Shortform note: While Fromm notes that young children focus more on maternal love whereas older children seek out paternal love, he doesn’t mention the fact that children must experience unconditional love before they can benefit from any kind of conditional relationship. That’s because unconditional love is the basis of secure attachment, and only children who are securely attached have the solid base of self-worth they need to pursue conditional approval without damaging their self-image.)
Maternal and Paternal Forms of Love Meet Different Needs Why do we need both maternal and paternal, unconditional and conditional forms of love in order to feel genuinely loved by our parents? Fromm isn't clear, but it may relate to two of the most primal social needs that all humans share: the need to belong and the need to feel special. Psychologists agree that the need to belong to a group is a critical human need that stems from deep in our evolutionary history. Maternal, unconditional love satisfies this need because we can never lose unconditional love, so we're confident that we'll always belong. On the other hand, as much as we need to fit in, we also need to stand out and feel special and important compared to other people. Paternal, conditional love satisfies this need because, in Fromm's view, father figures don't have to love us—so if they do, it affirms our belief that we must be special and important. This is why praise from someone who doesn't love you unconditionally can feel more validating than praise from a loving mother figure.
Platonic love is a form of non-romantic love directed at all fellow humans, whether strangers or friends. According to Fromm, platonic love is love in its most fundamental form because it is an expression of recognition that we are all part of the human family. (Shortform note: Contrary to Fromm, in The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis argues that the love between friends is the least fundamental or natural form of love because it’s not biologically necessary for the survival of the species in the way that parental or romantic love is.)
Fromm believes that platonic love should extend to all human beings—including ourselves. He argues that loving yourself doesn’t mean being selfish: In fact, selfish people act in their own best interest because they lack self-love. Because they don’t truly love themselves, they try to artificially manufacture feelings of self-love and self-worth by acting selfishly.
(Shortform note: Fromm sets up a fundamental difference between self-love and selfishness; however, according to modern experts, sometimes self-love requires a bit of selfishness. In other words, sometimes self-love requires putting your own needs before the needs of others. For example, self-love might require an exhausted parent to be “selfish” and take a half-hour to rest, even when that means saying “no” to playing with their child.)
According to Fromm, true romantic love is simply an intensified version of platonic love. This means that you cannot embody true romantic love without feeling platonic love for people in general.
To Fromm, romantic love is a combination of effort (loving someone on purpose, through action) and individual compatibility. Effort is what distinguishes genuine romantic love from simple sexual desire or from the feeling of “falling in love,” neither of which are fully-realized forms of genuine love.
Mapping Fromm Onto Sternberg's Triangle Fromm's description of romantic love was a predecessor to psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love. In Sternberg's model, "consummate love" (his name for full, healthy romantic love) is made up of three components: passion, intimacy/liking, and commitment. Like Fromm, Sternberg argues that if any of these components are missing, the relationship isn't true, consummate romantic love. Similarly, Sternberg includes intimacy/liking (the basis for platonic love) as a necessary ingredient of romantic love, echoing Fromm's assertion that platonic love is a prerequisite for genuine romantic love.
Fromm sees spiritual love (or what he calls “love of God”) as another manifestation of the human need for connection, regardless of the specific religious tradition in which it takes place. (Shortform note: In The God Delusion, anti-religion activist Richard Dawkins offers a slightly different interpretation of the human impulse toward spiritual love. He argues that the tendency to engage in spiritual practice stems not from a general desire to connect with others, as Fromm asserts, but from the specific urge to obey authority figures. In Dawkins’ view, if there were no religious authority figures to placate, humans would have no need for spirituality at all.)
However, Fromm also believes that different religious traditions conceptualize spiritual love differently. In his view, Western religions (like Christianity and Judaism) emphasize the role of belief in their spiritual practice—the path to the highest spiritual truth depends on thinking the right thoughts. On the other hand, Eastern religions (like Buddhism and Taoism) emphasize action and sensation. For adherents to these religions, spiritual love is more about having a visceral experience, not holding certain beliefs.
(Shortform note: While Western and Eastern religions emphasize different aspects of spiritual love, they’re not exclusive, and all major religions include both intellectual and visceral components. For example, the traditional Jewish values of avoda (service) and d’veykut (connection to God) both have a more active, visceral emphasis rather than an intellectual one. On the other hand, several parts of the Noble Eightfold Path in Buddhism (such as Right View and Right Intention) focus on holding the right thoughts and beliefs.)
Now that you know what genuine love looks like, how can you practice it? According to Fromm, there are three ways to practice genuine love.
The first practice Fromm recommends is to consider other perspectives rather than assuming your perspective is the objective truth. This is important because only seeing the world through the lens of your own experience inhibits your ability to love; if you can’t see others for who they really are, how can you genuinely love them for who they are?
To see this practice in action, imagine your partner has been distant. If you only consider the situation from your own perspective, you might assume they’re upset with you for some reason and wonder what you did wrong. However, if you view the situation from their perspective, you might remember that they’ve been particularly stressed at work lately and might just be too exhausted to interact with you. By looking through their eyes, you can see both your partner and the situation more clearly, so you can love them as they are in that moment.
(Shortform note: Seeing things from other people’s perspectives is difficult because we often don’t even realize other people might see the world differently than we do. According to psychologist Daniel Kahneman, this is because of the “What You See Is All There Is” bias, or the human tendency to accept our own perspective as fact. To counter this bias, Kahneman recommends asking yourself, “What evidence am I missing? What would make me change my mind?”)
The second practice Fromm recommends is to develop a type of optimism grounded in reality. In order to fully express genuine love, you have to be optimistic about the power of love to help people grow into the best versions of themselves (so your love won’t go to waste). Furthermore, you have to be optimistic that if you give love to someone, you will be loved in return. If you can’t muster this optimism, you’ll never find the courage to offer your genuine love to another person.
To develop optimism, Fromm recommends beginning by simply noticing your doubts. Then, whenever doubts pop into your mind, practice choosing not to act on them, even when it’s difficult.
Another Way to Develop Optimism The type of optimism that Fromm recommends might be difficult to muster if you've been unlucky in love or had experiences where the love you expressed wasn't returned in kind. Furthermore, his advice to never act on your doubts could backfire, since some doubts may be a sign of some very real red flags that might signal an unhealthy relationship. If you're skeptical about the idea of optimism in love or concerned about the impact of ignoring your doubts, here's an alternative exercise to develop your faith in love. First, take a deep breath—notice how you can trust the air around you to provide all the oxygen you need. Then, picture someone who loves you. Imagine their love surrounding you, just as the air does, and try to trust it the way you trust the air to give you what you need. Finally, picture someone you love deeply. Allow yourself to feel the strength of your love for this person. Remind yourself that you can trust your own love, no matter what.
Finally, Fromm argues that in order to practice genuine love, you need to live intentionally rather than passively accepting your circumstances. To do this, actively embrace life: Zealously pursue your interests, be mindful of your surroundings and your own inner states, and focus on becoming the best possible version of yourself. The more time you spend living in this focused, intentional way, the better you’ll be able to see others for exactly who they are and actively show them genuine love.
(Shortform note: To Fromm, intentional living means eschewing laziness at all costs; however, he forgets that humans also need periods of downtime and rest. While actively pursuing your best life is a helpful overall goal, energy and attention aren’t infinite resources—if you don’t give yourself time to recharge them, you could face burnout, which will make it even harder to live intentionally.)
Now that you understand the difference between false love and genuine love, take a moment to evaluate your own loving relationships.
Think of a significant relationship in your life, either with a romantic partner, a close friend, or a family member. Briefly describe the relationship and how you feel toward this person.
Think back to the four requirements of genuine love (nourishment, responsiveness, acceptance, and understanding). How do you demonstrate these qualities to your loved one? (For example, maybe you nourish your child by cooking for them, or understand your best friend by picking up on their emotions even before they do.)
How does your loved one demonstrate these qualities to you?
Based on your answers, do you think false love or genuine love characterizes your relationship? Why?