Each of us houses a primitive Chimp inside our brains that is driven by emotions and prompts us to react to the world impetuously and irresponsibly. If you’ve ever struggled to stay in control of your urges, succumbed to temptation, or sabotaged your own success, your Chimp has probably taken the reins for a bit. Fortunately, our brains also have an inner Human who, when functioning properly, keeps our inner Chimp under control and allows us to interact with the world in a stable, positive, productive way. In The Chimp Paradox, psychiatrist Steve Peters outlines a mind management program that can help you manage your inner Chimp and lead you to happiness, success, and balance.
This program imagines your psychological world as seven planets with attached moons:
When all of these planets and their moons are spinning smoothly and are aligned with the others, this metaphorical solar system represents your ideal state, in which your sun shines brightly, and you’re happy and well-adjusted.
Our exploration of your psychological universe begins with a discussion of three key elements of your inner mind, each of which loosely corresponds to a physical area of your brain and serves a unique role in your psyche. These elements are:
We’ll first discuss your Chimp and your Human, which together comprise your Planet 1. We’ll then look at your Computer, which acts as a stabilizing moon revolving around the planet.
Your Chimp makes decisions emotionally. This can be either good or bad: Sometimes, your “gut feeling” is accurate and perceives something subtle that your rational mind misses. Other times, gut feelings are based on overly negative, defensive, or paranoid thoughts, and they can direct you wrongly. Your Chimp thinks in emotional, irrational ways because it has two primary goals:
To achieve these primitive goals, the Chimp operates according to the laws of the jungle, which are primarily based on instincts and drives:
You can’t change your Chimp’s nature (its instincts or drives), but you can manage it.
In contrast, your inner Human makes decisions rationally, basing thoughts on facts and logic. The Human’s main job is to balance the Chimp’s emotional instincts with sensible ones. Your Human reacts logically to a situation, looking for evidence, seeing context, and trying to understand the reasons behind other people’s behavior.
Like your Chimp, your Human has two overriding goals. These goals, though, are fundamentally different from your Chimp’s purely survivalist goals:
Because its goals are more socially focused than your Chimp’s goals, your Human brain operates through laws of society rather than the laws of the jungle. Such laws allow people to work and live together peacefully and are based on honesty, compassion, lawfulness, and self-control.
Your Computer is the command center for your knee-jerk reactions. It’s made up of the beliefs, habits, and knowledge that allow you to make most of your decisions without thinking about them. Your Computer makes decisions approximately four times faster than your Chimp does and about 20 times faster than your Human.
Your Computer has four elements that drive it:
To manage your Computer, you’ll need to establish positive thoughts and habits. To do this:
Understanding your Planet 2, the planet of Other People, and your Planet 3, the planet of Communication, means figuring out how to interact with other people in effective, constructive ways even if those people are being difficult. To do so, follow these guidelines:
Your troop is a small group of people who support and nurture you. Your Chimp has a natural drive to be part of a troop. In the wild, chimpanzees without a group of chimpanzees are unprotected against predators, and our inner Chimp feels the same way. Your Human also wants a troop, but less for survival and more for the benefits of living in a community where all people are cared for. Find a group of people who care about you and will provide you with both psychological safety and community engagement.
The fourth planet in your psychological universe is the planet of Your World, which is where you create and maintain a safe, happy place that fosters both your Chimp and your Human. The key to feeling well-adjusted and secure is effectively managing stress. Stress is an unavoidable part of anyone’s world. Stress isn't inherently bad: It's nature’s way of alerting you that something is wrong and needs to be fixed.
There are two kinds of stress: acute and chronic. Acute stress is immediate and sudden, while chronic stress is ongoing. We’ll first discuss the moon of Acute Stress, and next we’ll look at the moon of Chronic Stress.
You can prevent your Chimp’s Fight, Flight, or Freeze reaction in the face of sudden stress by filling your Computer with positive Autopilots that can override your Chimp’s negative response. To do so, follow these steps:
Chronic stress is stress that you have learned to live with over time. It can arise from living in a difficult circumstance (such as long-term unemployment or chronic back pain) or from dealing with difficult people for a long time (such as an emotionally abusive family member). Often, though, chronic stress comes from within.
Chronic stress often arises when you have negative Gremlins—deep-seated negative habits of thought—living in your Computer. A Gremlin is likely driving your actions when you, for example, make excuses for your poor behavior rather than accepting responsibility, or when you get so used to living with anxiety that you actually seek out or invent problems.
You can manage Gremlins like you manage Goblins—by replacing them with positive Autopilots, including the following thoughts:
Your fifth psychological planet is the planet of Your Health. To get this planet properly aligned in your psychological universe, focus on both your physical and mental health. In each area, you may have malfunctions or dysfunctions you need to address:
Malfunctions are when your “machine” (your body or brain) is broken: when you’re ill and need a doctor for help. These can be physical problems, such as when you break a bone, or they can be mental problems, such as when your brain chemistry becomes imbalanced, and you need medication to address a mental illness. Alcoholism and drug addiction are also malfunctions that you may need professional help to manage.
Dysfunctions are when your machine is functional but you’re still having problems because you’re mismanaging it. Your physical well-being involves your nutrition, weight, and fitness. It’s easy to mismanage these areas because in each of them, your Chimp and your Human want different things:
The best way to empower your Human to drive your health decisions is to be proactive rather than reactive and plan for the future, so that you don’t find yourself, for example, hungry in the afternoon without a healthy snack planned—in which case, you’re likely to let your Chimp drive and choose an unhealthy snack.
Getting the sixth planet in your psychological universe into alignment means being successful. Success means different things to every person, and it also means different things to your Chimp and your Human. Typically, your Chimp will desire superficial things like money and power, while your Human will want things more meaningful on a higher level, like the fulfillment of your purpose. Take some time to examine your goals and what will make you feel successful, and decide which Chimp goals and which Human goals are worth pursuing.
This planet has three moons that help stabilize it and help you achieve success. The first moon, the moon of Realms, recognizes that different people will be in charge of different aspects of your life. There are three realms in which you’ll interact with other people:
Your moon of Preparation will stabilize your planet of Success because proper preparation will greatly increase your chances of seeing a project through. To properly prepare your Chimp and Human for a project, think through four areas:
You’re much more likely to be successful if you have a diverse set of “carrots,” that is, rewards, that you use to encourage yourself. Therefore, fill out your Moon of Carrots with a variety of rewards that will keep you working toward success, including:
Your seventh planet is Happiness. The specifics of what makes a person happy are different for every person, so to start, figure out specifically what will make you happy. Be aware, when evaluating what makes you happy, of the difference between what you might want and what you need. These are often the differences between what your Chimp wants and what your Human wants.
Your planet of happiness won’t spin smoothly if you don’t have confidence in yourself. When you're confident, you feel secure, and when you're secure your Chimp feels happy. Base your confidence on your efforts, and not on the results of them. If you base your confidence on specific accomplishments, then your confidence will be variable and you’ll live with constant fear of failure—this is typically how your Chimp measures its confidence. However, if you base your confidence on your efforts, then you’ll feel confident that you’ve done your best even when things don’t work out for you—this is how your Human views confidence.
If your Chimp doesn't feel safe and secure, you won’t achieve happiness. Your Chimp has a strong drive to protect itself from risk and danger in order to find happiness, but these instincts themselves can prevent you from finding happiness. For example, your Chimp might instinctively resist change because change means things will be unfamiliar and will introduce vulnerabilities into your life, but this might mean you resist pursuing a new career that would ultimately improve your happiness.
To prevent your Chimp from overreacting to perceived danger, confront your fears about risk. Your Chimp won’t be quieted by you simply ignoring risk, but if you're honest about the possibilities—both good and bad—that might result from any decisions you make, your Chimp will be better able to calm down, knowing that you at least are aware of the possible danger.
Each of us has a psychological Chimp inside our brains, primitively reacting to the world and prompting us to act emotionally, impetuously, and irresponsibly. If you’ve ever struggled to stay in control of your urges, succumbed to temptation, or sabotaged your own success, your Chimp has probably taken the reins for a bit. Fortunately, our brains also have an inner Human who, when functioning properly, keeps our inner Chimp under control and allows us to interact with the world in a stable, positive, productive way. In The Chimp Paradox, psychiatrist Steve Peters outlines a mind management program that can help you manage your inner Chimp and lead you to happiness, success, and a sense of balance between your emotional and thinking selves.
To explore this program, we'll discuss seven areas that make up your overall psyche, determining how you view and interact with the world. Imagine each of these areas as a planet revolving around a central sun. When all the planets are in order, this metaphorical solar system represents your ideal state, in which your sun shines brightly and you're happy and well-adjusted.
The seven planets are:
These planets also have moons, which represent stabilizing influences on the planets. These influences are guiding forces, helping you gain control over each of these areas so that everything can operate smoothly and efficiently.
(Shortform note: We have organized our summary to follow the different “planets” that outline the author’s argument, instead of to follow the chapter numbers.)
Our exploration of your psychological universe begins with a discussion of three key elements of your inner mind, each of which loosely corresponds to a physical area of your brain and serves a unique role in your psyche.
These elements are:
Planet 1 is a split planet on which your Chimp and your Human both live and operate. A moon, representing the Computer, revolves around it, guiding and stabilizing the planet. In general, the Chimp is emotional, the Human is rational, and the Computer is habitual—it’s the command center for your unthinking habits and knee-jerk reactions. The Chimp and Human are the two primary forces driving your reactions to the world. They each have different ways of thinking and differing agendas, but each defers to the Computer for guidance on how to carry out those reactions.
Your Chimp (your emotional side) and your Human (your rational side) are two separate, independent sources of thought. At any given time, your reactions and decisions are controlled by one or the other. You can sometimes recognize the conflict between these two elements when you find yourself talking to yourself, having battles in your head between emotion and reason.
There is scientific evidence showing that only one of these influences controls us at any given time. Brain scans can detect blood flowing to one area over another depending on which is being used: If you're having calm, rational thoughts, more blood flows to the frontal lobe—the Human area. If you're having emotional, distressed thoughts, more blood flows to the limbic system—the Chimp area.
The Chimp and the Human operate with different thought patterns, agendas (goals), and laws. We’ll explore each of these differences below.
The Chimp makes decisions emotionally, basing thoughts on assumptions and hunches. This can be either good or bad: Sometimes, your “gut feeling” is accurate and perceives something subtle that your rational mind misses. Other times, gut feelings are based on overly negative, defensive, or paranoid thoughts, and can direct you wrongly. This is the paradox: The Chimp’s emotional nature can be sometimes helpful and sometimes harmful. Understanding how your Chimp thinks and operates will allow you to harness its emotional drives when they can benefit you, while limiting the harm they can cause when they turn negative.
As we stated earlier, your Chimp is emotional and irrational. Therefore, when it reacts to a situation, it:
When a Chimp reacts with these instincts, it can cause problems that could have been avoided. For example, imagine Tom is waiting for his brother, Joe, outside a restaurant. Joe is so late that they’ve missed their reservation. Tom’s Chimp hijacks his brain with emotional thoughts, such as: Joe knows I hate being late, he doesn’t respect my time, he’s let me down, and so on. When Joe does show up, Tom’s Chimp drives him to confront Joe angrily before asking for an explanation. When Joe defends himself by explaining what held him up, Tom’s Chimp switches to feeling remorse and embarrassment, but the damage to their relationship has already been done, and neither brother enjoys the rest of the evening.
Your Chimp thinks in these emotional, irrational ways because it has two primary goals:
Your Chimp is always, unfailingly, looking to satisfy these two goals. When you understand this and how these goals influence your Chimp’s thinking and laws of operation, you can find ways to satisfy these urges that will keep your Chimp under control.
To carry out its agenda, the Chimp operates according to the laws of the jungle, which are based on instincts, drives, vulnerability, and gender, each of which is explored below.
Instincts
The laws of the jungle are based first and foremost on instincts: innate responses designed to increase our chances of survival. These are automatic reactions to triggers that don’t require any conscious thinking. For example, a baby instinctively sucks on things because it's pre-programmed to nurse.
The Chimp’s instinctive response to danger is the Fight, Flight, or Freeze reaction (FFF). This is nature’s way of protecting us by prompting us to either:
Remember that the Chimp’s agenda is to survive, and the FFF response is designed to help ensure survival by enabling the Chimp to act immediately and without thinking. Because of this, the Chimp doesn’t take time to assess which threats are significant and which are trivial, and therefore, just to be safe, your Chimp reacts to any threats as if they were mortal threats. This is why your emotional response to triggers is often extreme.
While this may be a helpful response to threats in the jungle, in society such an intense reaction can cause more problems than it solves. For example, if you have to make a public speech, your inner Chimp might start screaming, “But this might kill me!” and prompt you to either avoid it (flight) or stumble and forget your lines (freeze).
Drives
The laws of the jungle are also determined by drives, which are similar to instincts but are not triggered by specific events like instincts are; drives are always present, influencing our decisions.
Your Chimp has powerful drives like sex, dominance, territorial defense, parental behaviors, and the desire to belong to a group, all of which advance its agenda of survival and the production of offspring. Because these drives are so important to the survival of the species, we have evolved pleasure responses to them, so that engaging in these drives feels enjoyable.
Like with instincts, drives can be helpful in a jungle but harmful in society. For example, each of us is born with a drive to eat. In a jungle, when presented with food, we are driven to gorge on it because we don’t know when we might eat again. In society, this drive can lead to obesity, because it's far less likely that we won’t be able to find food again after a meal.
Further, the pleasurable element attached to drives can become a problem in and of itself, if it leads to addiction. Any of the Chimp’s drives can end up as an addiction, which can cause great harm to a person's life.
Vulnerability
The laws of the jungle are also determined by feelings of vulnerability. A Chimp often feels insecure because there are many animals in a jungle more powerful than it (for example, a tiger—or in real life, your boss). A feeling of vulnerability drives many of the Chimp’s behaviors that we discussed earlier, such as aggression, defensiveness, or a tendency toward paranoia.
Gender
The type of jungle laws your particular inner Chimp adheres to is determined by whether you have a male or female inner Chimp. Some inner Chimps are male while others are female, and your interactions with the world will be determined in large part by which gender your particular inner Chimp is. The gender of someone’s inner Chimp doesn't have anything to do with that person’s actual gender. While male and female people are very similar, a male or female inner Chimp is very different. The discussion here of the inner Chimp’s gender is based on physiological differences in men and women that correspond to different evolutionary needs of male and female chimpanzees in the jungle.
One major difference is the differing amounts of the hormones estrogen and testosterone in each gender—men have more testosterone while women have more estrogen. Testosterone imparts a higher sex drive and more aggression, while estrogen promotes calmness and passivity. Therefore, a male inner Chimp and a female inner Chimp will have different levels of aggression and calmness.
Another difference is that women’s brains have more connections to the emotional regions of the brain (the left amygdala has more brain connections than men’s left amygdalas). In theory this is because in the wild, female chimpanzees are naturally smaller than the males, and therefore must develop skills other than brute strength in order to survive. For this reason, females are better at judging body language and mood, since that helps them protect themselves from threats they may not be able to physically fight off.
Because of this need to protect herself from physical threats in non-physical ways, and because a female chimpanzee is tasked with protecting her young and providing shelter for them, it benefits a female chimpanzee to be insecure enough that she’s constantly looking for threats. Similarly, female inner Chimps are often insecure and overly cautious. Further, because they are quick to become anxious, they often avoid making decisions out of a fear of making the wrong decision. Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you find yourself unable to confidently make decisions, it’s not because of a problem with you, it’s because your inner emotional Chimp has hijacked your brain.
In contrast, your inner Human makes decisions rationally, basing thoughts on facts and logic. The Human’s main job is to balance the Chimp’s emotional instincts with sensible ones.
The importance of the Human part of the brain (the frontal lobe) is evidenced by what happens when it stops working properly. People who have suffered injuries to their frontal lobes lose the ability to regulate their emotional impulses. A famous example of this was Phineas Gage, a railroad employee in the late 19th century who survived an explosion that thrust an iron rod through his eye and out the top of his skull, destroying his frontal lobe but leaving him otherwise functional. After the injury, his personality completely changed; while he had once been careful, responsible, and thoughtful, he instead turned foul-mouthed, impulsive, and aggressive.
Your Human reacts to a situation with logical, rational thinking. This means:
Like your Chimp, your Human has two overriding goals. These goals, though, are fundamentally different from your Chimp’s purely survivalist goals:
Because its goals are more socially focused than your Chimp’s goals, your Human brain operates through laws of society rather than the laws of the jungle. Such laws allow people to work and live together peacefully, and are based on:
Managing your Planet 1—your psychological mind—means reconciling the conflicting thinking, agendas, and laws of the Chimp and the Human in each of us. In general, your goal is to allow your Human to drive your actions, not your Chimp, because you're less likely to behave in positive, productive ways when your Chimp is in control. Your Human thinks about the future, deciding on actions that will ensure that later, you’ll be happy with how you used your time. In contrast, your Chimp functions in the here-and-now, deciding actions based on how it feels in the moment.
You can’t change your Chimp’s nature (its instincts or drives), but you can manage them. Your Chimp is your responsibility as much as your dog would be your responsibility: If your dog attacks someone, you can’t simply shrug and say, “It was the dog, what can I do?” In the same way, you can’t can’t use your Chimp as an excuse to justify your own poor behavior—for example, you can’t snap at someone and then simply say, “It was my instinct, no big deal.”
It takes time and practice to get good at managing your Chimp. To start, follow these three steps:
When you have an immediate emotional reaction, you can recognize it as your Chimp by asking yourself if you want to feel this way. For example:
If you answer “no” to these questions, then your Chimp is in control of your emotions.
You can't get control of your Chimp unless you fully understand how your Chimp operates and why it’s so difficult to ignore. Your Chimp’s urges are hard to resist because of two primary reasons:
1. The Chimp’s reactions are more immediate: When our brains process information, messages go first to the Chimp, not the Human, to determine the threat level. If the Chimp decides there’s no danger, the message gets passed to the Human. But if the Chimp detects danger—or desire—it reacts immediately. This is why your emotions are often triggered before you’ve had a chance to fully assess a situation.
Once your Chimp logs an emotional response, it decides on a course of action and then looks to your Human for confirmation. This is why people typically make decisions emotionally and then justify those decisions rationally: For example, you might decide to eat a cookie at lunchtime because you want to, and you’ll justify it with excuses like, “It’s only one,” or “I didn’t eat any cookies yesterday.”
You can gain control of your Chimp by recognizing that when it decides on a course of action, it's merely making a suggestion, not a command. So, when your Chimp wants that cookie, and asks your Human for permission to eat it, your Human does not have to say yes.
2. The Chimp’s reactions are more powerful: In nature, a chimpanzee is about five times as strong as a person. Your inner Chimp is similarly five times as strong as your inner Human. The emotional reactions of the Chimp are therefore harder to ignore and control.
Because your Chimp is so much stronger than your Human, you can’t control it by confronting it head-on in a battle of wills. Your Chimp’s desires will simply override your Human’s willpower. For example, you may have willpower in the morning to eat healthy all day, but by lunchtime, when faced with a snack, your Chimp will ignore that morning resolution, and will compel you to give in to the temptation.
To resist your Chimp’s power, you’ll need a plan that works with its nature but still allows your Human to drive your actions, which brings us to Step 3:
To control your Chimp, you must recognize that its instincts and drives will always be there. If you try to simply ignore them, they will inevitably pop up and take control of you—for example, telling yourself before bedtime that you’ll get up early and exercise won’t prevent your desire for extra sleep from rearing up when morning comes around. And if you don’t have a pre-planned method for dealing with that desire when it arrives, it will drive your actions.
You can get control of many Chimp drives by acknowledging its drive and meeting its needs in appropriate and harmless ways. For example, you could:
By indulging your Chimp’s drives in small and socially appropriate ways, you can often keep those drives in check. However, at times, your Chimp will inevitably assert itself: Something will happen that will upset you, unnerve you, or stress you, and your Chimp will awaken.
To stop your Chimp from gaining control of your brain when it does assert itself, you can use three techniques:
1. Listen to your Chimp: Allow your Chimp to “exercise itself” by expressing its emotions. When your Chimp vents its feelings, it typically calms down. Therefore, allow your Chimp to get its feelings off its chest—to say whatever it feels, even if those feelings are irrational. Most Chimps only need about 10 minutes of an outburst and will then feel calmer and more in control. If the process might take longer, or your Chimp needs more than one exercise, allow as much time as your Chimp needs.
Of course, you must be sure that you vent in this way in an appropriate setting. Vent to someone you trust, who will understand that your feelings are coming from your Chimp and won’t punish you for them later. You may even feel more comfortable writing down your thoughts instead of voicing them to someone.
Once your Chimp has gotten all its thoughts and feelings out, it can take a rest and your Human can take over. At this point, let your Human examine the things that your Chimp has brought to light. It’s very likely that many of your Chimp’s complaints are irrational, but some may be legitimate problems that your Human needs to address.
2. Talk to your Chimp: Once you’ve allowed your Chimp to talk, it’s your turn. Address your Chimp’s complaints so that you can put them to bed and “box up” your Chimp, constraining it safely away. Reason with your Chimp: Explain why you should act a different way than it wants to act. Don’t try to dismiss or ignore your Chimp’s objections; agree with your Chimp when it has legitimate points. However, explain other facts and logic that it will have no choice but to agree to.
For example, maybe someone cut you off on the road and your Chimp was activated. Agree with your Chimp that the other driver was obnoxious and drove dangerously, but point out that there’s nothing to be gained by driving poorly in response—tailgating the other car or cutting her off in return won’t solve anything and will only put both of your lives in danger. Since your Chimp can’t argue with this logic, it will usually calm down.
3. Distract or reward your Chimp: Another method of managing your Chimp is to “offer it bananas.” That is, offer it something it will want and that you can use either as a distraction or as a reward.
An example of a distraction would be reading a book while you’re waiting for someone, or listening to music while you’re doing an unpleasant task like folding laundry.
An example of a reward would be a promise of something pleasant after you’ve done an unpleasant task—like having a second cup of coffee after you’ve responded to five work emails. Additionally, praise or recognition from other people can be powerful rewards: For example, if you’ve been putting off cleaning up your basement, you might invite some friends over to hang out in your newly organized basement, which will propel you to get the task done in anticipation of their praise.
When you have an immediate emotional reaction, you can recognize it as your Chimp (your emotional brain) by asking yourself if you want to feel this way.
Describe a recent situation in which you allowed your emotions to control your reaction to something that someone else said or did. How did their words or actions trigger you, and how did you respond?
How did you feel afterward? Did you get the result you wanted from your reaction? Why or why not?
How could you have managed your Chimp better to allow your Human (your rational brain) to stay in control?
Your Computer is a set of beliefs, habits, and knowledge that allows you to make most of your decisions without thinking about them. It automates your actions so that you don’t have to think carefully about, for example, how to make a cup of coffee every time you do it. Because its reactions are automated, your Computer makes decisions approximately four times faster than your Chimp does and about 20 times faster than your Human.
Because your Computer is a record of habits of behavior, it acts as a guide when your Chimp and Human aren’t sure how to react to a situation. They’ll check with your Computer to see how they’ve reacted to previous situations in order to figure out how to act in new situations.
When you're born, your Computer is an empty program. As you grow, your Chimp and Human input their learned behaviors and beliefs into your Computer. Because these beliefs and habits are learned, and not innate in the way that the Chimp’s instincts are innate, you can remove or relearn any beliefs or habits you decide to, if you put the effort in. Unfortunately, most of us don’t, and consequently, we let our Computer do our thinking without questioning it.
Your Computer has four elements that drive it:
Autopilots are the positive habits and beliefs that drive our actions in constructive ways. These inputs can be added to the Computer at any stage of your life. They include things like riding a bike, establishing time management habits, and remaining calm when you experience setbacks.
If you’ve filled your Computer with positive Autopilots, they can trigger your reactions before your Chimp gets to—remember, your Computer thinks four times as fast as your Chimp. For example, imagine someone cuts you off on the road and your Chimp gets angry. If you have an Autopilot that automatically says, “Not worth the fight,” then your Chimp won’t even get a chance to react.
Goblins are unhelpful habits and beliefs that are extremely hard to correct or remove. They are usually added to your Computer early in your life, which is why they are hard to remove—they’ve become hard-wired into your brain, and consequently, you may need to learn to manage them rather than remove them.
An example of a Goblin is the belief that you must achieve certain markers of success in order to be loved. People raised by well-meaning parents who praise their test scores or art projects sometimes develop this belief, so that they don’t feel worthy of love if they do something mediocre.
Goblins become powerful when they combine negative thoughts with instincts and drives of your Chimp. In the above example, a child raised to feel loved only when she’s produced something praiseworthy is also reacting to the Chimp’s need to be socially accepted by others.
A Gremlin is also an unhelpful habit or belief, but it’s one that’s easier to relearn or remove from your Computer because it’s a newer addition than Goblins. Gremlins are created by your Chimp—for example, if your boss often criticizes you, your Chimp may react negatively and input into your Computer the thought (the Gremlin) that “all bosses criticize frequently.” This Gremlin is easier to unlearn than a Goblin, which is a more deep-seated belief, because you can discover from experience that not all bosses are highly critical.
Examples of common Gremlins are unrealistic expectations, which set you up for failure by putting pressure on you to live up to standards you can’t possibly live up to. Once you’ve failed to meet your unrealistic expectations, you’ll be filled with negative feelings of disappointment or anger. For instance, if you believe it's never okay to be late for appointments, you’ll feel angry and disappointed with yourself and with others if something happens to make you or others late (and at some point, something will). Unlearning this negative belief can reduce unnecessary stress. Similarly, if you expect other people to never be late, you'll end up disappointed.
The Stone of Life is the collection of beliefs and values that define how you see the world and what you see your purpose as. It’s the reference source that your Autopilots and Gremlins look to for guidance on how to act.
The four elements of your Computer outlined above combine to form your mindset. Your mindset is the way in which you see yourself, other people, and the world in which you live.
If you have a lot of Autopilots and you have generally positive beliefs about your intelligence and competence, you’re likely to have an upbeat mindset, seeing yourself in a good position against other people and feeling secure in your place in the world. You’ll bounce out of bed each morning ready to interact with the world. On the other hand, if you have a lot of Goblins or Gremlins, and you have negative beliefs about your intelligence and competence, you’re likely to have a depressed, anxious, or aggressive mindset. You might see the world as a hostile place you must struggle to survive in, and you might be reluctant to connect with other people in a meaningful way, afraid they’ll discover your incompetence.
To manage your Computer, you’ll need to establish positive thoughts and habits. To do this:
As we’ve said earlier, whenever the Chimp or the Human receives messages and has to decide how to act, they look to the Computer for guidance. If they get feedback from a relaxed, happy Autopilot, they are likely to act appropriately. However, if they get feedback from an agitated Gremlin, they are likely to act destructively. Therefore, it’s important you fill your Computer with lots of Autopilots and get rid of as many Gremlins as you can.
It can be hard to spot your Gremlins because they can be deeply embedded in your psyche, but you can root them out by acknowledging when you have a negative feeling and asking yourself what you were thinking that brought on that feeling. Then ask yourself if that thought is helpful or true. For example, if someone asks you for help on a work project, and you start feeling upset, ask yourself why you're having that feeling. Your Gremlin might say that this person asks you for help a lot, and it feels unfair. Then ask yourself if this thought is true—does she actually ask for help a lot? Is it unfair, or does she also offer help when you need it?
You might need to dig deeper, as often there are other Gremlins hiding behind the first one. So, in this example, maybe there’s another Gremlin in your Computer that makes you feel obligated to say “yes” to requests for help, even when you would rather say “no.” Again, probe your belief: What do you think someone will feel about you if you say “no”? What will happen if you say “no”?
Then, counter your answers to these questions with truths. For example, if you believe someone will think you’re lazy if you say “no,” remind yourself that saying “no” is an appropriate, adult response for someone who has reasonable boundaries. Also remind yourself that if you say “no,” the other person—if that person is a respectful, mature person—will understand that you can’t say yes to everything. This new understanding can become your Autopilot, so that when someone asks you for a favor that you don’t want to give, your Autopilot can take over and respond with a polite “no” rather than your Gremlin filling you with resentment.
It can take a lot of time to successfully remove a Gremlin by countering its negative thinking with questions and then positive, truthful logic. Keep working at it until you have successfully replaced your Gremlin with an Autopilot that shows you a better way to react.
A common Gremlin that can easily cause you negative feelings is any statement that contains inflexible words like “should” or “must.” By replacing such words with “could” or “might,” you can change your reactions to triggers. For example, instead of thinking “My work space should be better organized,” think, “My work space could be better organized.” This will replace feelings of failure with feelings of aspiration, and will be easier for you to live with.
If you find yourself in a stressful situation where you’re overwhelmed by multiple Gremlins, deal with each one individually. To do this, write down each negative thought and emotion as it comes to you. This will help you to see the range of issues and insecurities you might be dealing with. So, for example, if you’re throwing a holiday party for your judgmental in-laws, write down each worry that you might have, then question each one in turn and respond to it with logic.
As we’ve discussed, your Chimp and Human add inputs to your Computer when you have experiences. Therefore, interpret new experiences you have carefully to make sure you're not introducing new Gremlins to your Computer.
For example, if someone at work speaks shortly to you, your Chimp might interpret her words with any of these Gremlins:
Before allowing your Chimp to add those Gremlins to your Computer, allow your Human a turn. Your Human might have these Autopilot thoughts:
If you allow yourself to choose between the Chimp and Human’s responses, you might follow up with your coworker and find out that she has a migraine. Of course, you might find out that she actually doesn’t like you—but that’s okay. Another Autopilot you can add to your Computer would then be, “Not everyone likes me, and that’s just something I have to accept.”
A Gremlin is an unhelpful habit or belief. It’s possible to relearn or remove Gremlins from your Computer (your repository of habits of thoughts and beliefs) by replacing them with Autopilots (positive thoughts). A common Gremlin is unrealistic expectations, though which you set yourself up for disappointment with unachievable standards.
Describe a time in either your professional or personal life when you held unrealistic expectations for someone else and were subsequently disappointed. (For example, did you expect a coworker to complete a project faster or better than she’d promised? Or expect a loved one to do something without being told?)
What were some more realistic expectations you could have programmed into your Computer that might have prevented you from feeling negative emotions when the other person didn’t live up to your standards?
Now that we’ve detailed your own psychological mind and how it works, we’ll examine how your “Planet 1” interacts with other people. Understanding your Planet 2 and Planet 3, the planets of Other People and Communication, means figuring out how to interact with other people in effective, constructive ways even if those other people are being difficult. To do so, follow these guidelines:
To successfully interact with other people, recognize that everyone has a Chimp and a Human just like you do, and that they may have trouble managing their Chimp, just as you might. To best manage both of your Chimps, strive to speak from Human to Human, and leave your Chimps out of the conversation.
If you speak to someone else using your Chimp, they will most likely respond with their Chimp. This is how arguments happen: Your Chimp snaps at your partner because she did something that angered you, and her Chimp snaps back, upset that you’re getting so angry about something so trivial. It’s also why arguments are so difficult to stop once they get started—both Chimps are naturally stubborn and reluctant to back down from a position once they’ve dug in.
To prevent this, go through the steps of Chimp management outlined earlier before you approach someone—exercise your Chimp, reason with it, and contain it. Then, anticipate that the other person will initially respond to you with her Chimp, and help her manage her Chimp as best you can by allowing her to go through the Chimp management steps also: Particularly, allow her to exercise her Chimp so that she vents her emotions and is better placed to hear your reason and logic. Follow up by speaking to her with calm logic that her Chimp has no choice but to agree with.
The key to maintaining a good relationship is to acknowledge that each of you has a choice and can make a decision about the relationship, and the other person can’t force that decision. Therefore, you can offer to relate to another person in a certain way but that other person doesn’t have to respond in the way that you want. If she does, then there’s no problem. But if she chooses not to, then you have your own choice to make: Do you want to accept her choice and continue a relationship on those terms, or do you want to leave the relationship?
For example, if your girlfriend is always late to your get-togethers because that’s just how she lives her life, then you can talk to her about how it bothers you, but you can’t force her to care about lateness in the same way that you do. If she’s content being late to appointments, then she’s not obligated to change for you. However, you can certainly decide that this isn't an acceptable characteristic of someone you date, and you can find another partner. Both of you have a choice and must respect the other person’s choice.
You must have realistic expectations of other people, or you're setting your relationship up for failure: You can’t expect someone to have talents or traits that they simply don’t have and never promised to have. For example, if you want to be with someone who’s a good artist, but the person you’re dating isn't a good artist, you can’t fault them for that. You have to accept them for who they are and then decide for yourself if you'll stay in the relationship or not.
When you first meet someone, you form an opinion from things you observe, such as their clothing, hairstyle, attitude, posture, and speech. This first impression will dictate, to a large extent, how you feel about that person from then on. Be aware that you may be forming this opinion based on Gremlins of prejudice that you’ve added to your Computer but that may not be correct. For example, if you believe that blond-haired people aren’t smart, you might decide that a blond lawyer you meet isn’t very intelligent, based on this prejudice, and you may end up misjudging someone who is, in fact, highly competent.
To effectively communicate your message, you must talk to the person you wish to communicate to. While that may sound obvious, all too often, people don’t do this. Instead they talk about their problem to other people—for example, mutual friends, coworkers, or family members. Consequently, the message never arrives with the person for whom it’s intended, and the problem doesn’t get resolved.
Often, your reluctance to speak to the person at the center of your issue is caused by a lack of assertiveness, which in itself is often caused by your Chimp’s fear of upsetting other people because that might cause you to be excluded. This frequently comes from a confusion about the difference between being assertive and being aggressive, and people sometimes avoid being assertive out of fear that they’ll come across as aggressive.
Assertiveness is explaining to someone what is and what isn’t acceptable. Aggressiveness is doing this with emotion in an attacking manner. Being assertive is good; being aggressive is not. Assertiveness will get your message across clearly and effectively and will lead to solutions. In contrast, aggression will wake up the Chimp in the other person and will lead to conflict: The other person will either attack or recoil—either way, she is no longer listening to your message.
To be assertive, follow these steps, using “I” statements for each:
So, for example, if your manager yells at you for being late, instead of responding with aggression and defensiveness, you could say:
Approach the other person at a time when your conversation won’t be rushed, and when the other person isn’t already agitated (and therefore, their Chimp is already activated). Make sure you have time not only to explain your position but also to listen fully to their position.
Find a neutral place that is neither in your “territory” nor theirs, so they don’t feel that you’re trying to intimidate them. Find a quiet place so you’ll have few interruptions, and you can focus solely on your conversation.
Be clear on what exactly you want to address and what you want to accomplish with your conversation. If you don’t have a clear purpose, your conversation will be reactive rather than proactive, and it will more likely wander and end up being hijacked by your Chimp.
Be aware that your Chimp and your Human may have different agendas:
The best way to approach a conversation is to first allow your Human to discuss with your own Chimp what agenda you want to bring to the discussion, so that you can get out of the way any instinctive feelings of “winning” and “losing,” which rarely lead to productive conversations.
During your conversation with the other person, try to explicitly state not only your agenda but also what you think her agenda is. This allows the other person to correct you if you’re misunderstanding her, and it keeps your conversation on track.
Additionally, let the other person accomplish her agenda first. If you let her air her grievances, not only will she be more receptive to hearing your side of the story, but you may also gain a better understanding of the situation and might change your mind on some aspects of it.
Decide whether you want to approach the other person face-to-face or through writing, such as an email or letter. There are pros and cons to either method: Writing your thoughts down allows you to word them constructively and allows the other person time to digest them before responding, but subtleties and nuance can be lost in writing. Often, speaking face-to-face can prevent misunderstandings.
When communicating face-to-face, keep in mind the way you package your message: the way you present your message to the other person. Packaging your message involves four things:
Sometimes conflict won't be resolved even through a well-managed conversation. In these cases, there are three ways you can approach your continued conflict:
Your troop is a small group of people who support and nurture you. It’s an important feature of your Planet of Other People because it provides you stability and happiness.
Your Chimp has a natural drive to be part of a troop. In the wild, chimpanzees without a group of chimpanzees are unprotected against predators, and our inner Chimp feels the same way. Your inner Chimp will therefore go to great lengths to be a part of a troop. This means that your Chimp cares greatly about what other people think because if they think badly of your Chimp, they might exclude it. Consequently, your Chimp will conform to the norms, beliefs, and values of the troop so as to stay included.
Your Chimp’s drive for a troop also means that it's hyper-aware of who is or is not in your troop, and views people outside of your troop with suspicion. This can cause conflict when your Chimp reacts negatively to someone just because it perceives them as part of a different troop.
Your Human also wants a troop, but less for survival and more for the benefits of living in a community where all people are cared for. Your Human wants to be popular and liked just as the Chimp does, but your Human recognizes that in a civilized society, you can disagree with members of your troop and not face exclusion and eventual death. Further, your Human tries to see people outside of your troop as potential friends, recognizing that not everyone is automatically an enemy just because they are different.
Therefore, the Chimp and Human see other people fundamentally differently. To function effectively in the real world, you need to let your Human be courteous and personable with everyone, inside or outside of your troop, However, you do need to listen to your Chimp sometimes, too—the truth is, some people really are outside your troop, and not everyone has your best interest at heart.
Your Chimp wants to create a troop that protects it and aids its survival, and will look for troop members who can fill that purpose. It will look for:
Your Human will look for troop members who can provide friendship, and will seek out people with personable qualities that complement you, such as:
Sometimes your Chimp and your Human will disagree on a troop member. This might happen when someone has certain markers of success like popularity but is actually not a well-meaning person. For example, your Chimp might like to hang out with the party animal who has lots of friends, while your Human recognizes that this person has irresponsible lifestyle habits that can affect you negatively.
When choosing your troop, be careful to assign roles appropriately, so that the other members of the troop agree with their roles. For example, some people need a leader—this might be a boss or a doctor, or a childhood friend. However, if that other person doesn’t want to fulfill this role for you, you can’t expect them to, or you’ll end up with conflict.
If you speak to someone else using your Chimp (emotional side), they will most likely respond with their Chimp. Try to speak to other people from your Human (rational side) to their Human, and leave your Chimps out of the conversation.
Think of a recent argument that you had in which your Chimp drove your words or actions. When you addressed the other person with your Chimp, how did her Chimp respond?
How did your Chimp respond when her Chimp spoke to you? Were you able to prevent it from doing so? Why or why not?
How could you have used your inner Human to better respond to the other person’s Chimp when it addressed you?
The fourth planet in your psychological universe is the planet of Your World, which is where you create and maintain a safe, happy place that fosters both your Chimp and your Human. The key to feeling well-adjusted and secure is effectively managing stress. Stress is an unavoidable part of anyone’s world. Stress isn't inherently bad: It's nature’s way of alerting you that something is wrong and needs to be fixed.
There are two kinds of stress: acute and chronic. Acute stress is immediate and sudden, while chronic stress is ongoing. We’ll first discuss the moon of Acute Stress, then we’ll look at the moon of Chronic Stress.
As we discussed earlier, because your Chimp reacts faster to stimuli than your Human does, it will respond to a sudden stressful situation with a Fight, Flight, or Freeze reaction before your Human has had a chance to evaluate the situation. However, by filling your Computer with positive Autopilots, you can prime it to override your Chimp’s negative reactions to sudden stress. To do so, follow these steps:
You'll be better able to manage your Chimp’s reaction to stressful situations if you don’t try to mentally fight the reality of what’s happening. If you accept your situation, you can focus on finding a solution to your problems rather than being consumed by negative emotions:
Start at the right starting point: View a stressful situation from where you stand currently, not from where you want to be. Seeing your starting point as where you are now allows you to think of how you'll improve, while seeing only where you wish you were can make you feel demoralized. For example, if you break an arm and the doctor tells you that you’ll spend the next two months in a cast and probably won’t get full motion back in your joints, you may be tempted to focus on where you wish you used to be—uninjured and fully functional—which will only increase your anxiety and anger. However, if you focus on your current situation as your starting point—accepting that you're injured and have some recovering to do—then you’ll see each step toward recovery as progress.
Accept that life changes: When you come to peace with the fact that things will change, you won’t view changes as losses, but will see them as simply changes. If you expect your life to stay the same, you'll be disappointed and upset when things inevitably change. So, for example, if you get laid off, instead of focusing on the loss of your job, remind yourself that it's a change that you simply must accept and deal with, and you'll be able to approach the situation with a more positive attitude.
Chronic stress is stress that you have learned to live with over a long period of time. Chronic stress can cause physical health problems like a lower immune system and chronic fatigue, as well as mental health problems like depression and anxiety.
Chronic stress can arise from living in a difficult circumstance (such as long-term unemployment or chronic back pain). It can also come from dealing with difficult people for a long time (such as an emotionally abusive family member). Often, though, chronic stress comes from within.
Chronic stress often arises when you have negative Gremlins—deep-seated negative habits of thought—living in your Computer. A Gremlin is likely driving your actions when you do any of the following:
You can manage Gremlins by replacing them with positive Autopilots. Some Autopilots that you can internalize to counter chronic stress include these thoughts:
By filling your Computer with positive Autopilots, you can prime it to override your Chimp’s negative reactions to sudden stress.
Think of a potential stressful situation, either at work or in your personal life. Think of how you would expect yourself to normally react. (For example, imagine someone cuts in line at the supermarket. Would you typically react with a harsh response? Or would you say nothing because of a Gremlin or Goblin that tells you you’re not worth as much as they are?)
Think of how you could respond to the stressful situation in a way that controls your Chimp but still allows your Human to stand up for yourself. How can you be assertive but not aggressive? (In the above example, what could you say to the line-cutter to make it clear that her behavior isn't acceptable, without letting your Chimp speak?)
Your fifth psychological planet is the planet of Your Health. To get this planet properly aligned in your psychological universe, focus on both your physical and mental health. In each area, you may have malfunctions or dysfunctions you need to address:
Malfunctions are when your “machine” (your body or brain) is broken: when you’re ill and need a doctor for help. These can be physical problems, such as when you break a bone, or they can be mental problems, such as when your brain chemistry becomes imbalanced and you need medication to address a mental illness. Alcoholism and drug addiction are also malfunctions that you may need professional help to manage.
Dysfunctions are when your machine is functional but you're mismanaging it and creating health problems as a result. You can be dysfunctional in either your physical or mental health.
Your physical well-being involves your nutrition, weight, and fitness. It’s easy to mismanage these areas because in each of them, your Chimp and your Human want different things. Your Chimp wants an easy life with little effort and lots of enjoyment, and is reluctant to put off immediate pleasure for the promise of future pleasure—so when, for example, you sign up for a fitness class but don’t bother attending the sessions, it’s because your Chimp has taken over and decided to stay in your comfortable bed rather than get up and go to the gym.
In contrast, your Human wants long-term happiness and is willing to forego short-term happiness to get it. Your Human wants to be fit and eat sensibly, and is able to resist the temptation of instant gratification that prevents those goals. So, for example, when you sign up for that fitness class and attend each session even though they’re scheduled early in the morning, it’s because your Human has taken over and decided that your long-term happiness is more important than the short-term comfort of a late morning.
The best way to empower your Human to drive your health decisions is to be proactive rather than reactive. Proactive people formulate a plan that allows them to respond to setbacks and distractions. Reactive people instead respond to problems as they arrive—which often leads them to take the path of least resistance and give up. For example, if you want to eat healthier, you’ll be more successful if you proactively stock the refrigerator with carrot sticks to anticipate your midday hunger. You’ll be less successful if you reactively try to hunt for a snack when that midday hunger hits.
As we’ve discussed already, your brain needs certain things like intellectual stimulation, socialization, laughter, and a purpose in order to feel happy. In addition to these psychological elements, your brain needs:
One area of your physical well-being is your nutrition. It’s easy to mismanage this area because your Chimp and your Human want different things.
Describe a recent time when your Chimp wanted to indulge in something unhealthy while your Human knew you shouldn’t. (Did you crave a sugary snack or an extra glass of alcohol?) Which won out—your Chimp or your Human?
What is something you can do to proactively anticipate a similar conflict in the future? (Could you stock your fridge with healthier snacks, or resolve to stick to a plan of sparkling water after a certain number of alcoholic drinks?)
Getting the sixth planet in your psychological universe into alignment means being successful. Success means different things to every person, and it also means different things to your Chimp and your Human. The first step in attaining success is deciding what success means to you personally. Only then can you figure out how to achieve it.
Your Chimp and your Human will have different definitions of success. Typically, your Chimp will desire superficial things like money and power, while your Human will want things more meaningful on a higher level, like the fulfillment of your purpose. Take some time to examine your goals and what will make you feel successful, and decide which Chimp goals and which Human goals are worth pursuing.
Your Chimp and your Human will also have different ways to judge when you’ve reached success. Your Chimp might rely on specific markers of success such as an ‘A’ grade on a test or a certain job title. Your Human might rely instead on the effort you put into a project or the learning you took away from it—so, for example, if you don’t get an ‘A’ on that test, your Human might consider you successful anyway if you tried your best and learned a lot along the way.
Your ultimate happiness with your life might depend on which measure of success you value more. If you only feel successful when you achieve specific markers, you’ll often be disappointed because life won’t always go your way. However, if you measure success by the effort you put into life, you’ll be better able to emotionally deal with disappointments.
Planet 6 has three moons that help stabilize it and guide your journey toward success:
The first moon, the moon of Realms, recognizes that different people will be in charge of different aspects of your life. When you have disagreements with others, you’ll resolve them quicker if you're able to effectively determine:
There are three realms in which you’ll interact with other people:
The rules will be different for each of these realms. Determining who sets the rules and who must abide by them will in large part determine how you resolve problems.
Your realm is any area where you're clearly in charge, such as your own home. In your realm, you set and enforce the rules. You expect someone entering your realm to respect your rules and your right to have the final say in decisions—for example, if someone enters your home, you’d expect them to check with you first before starting to cook a meal with your kitchen and equipment.
If your rules and your right to set those rules are not respected, your Chimp will start acting out, expressing anger, irritation, or other negative emotions. Therefore, you'll have more control over your life—and feel more successful in your endeavors—if you clearly set the rules and enforce them within the realm you command. When other people clearly understand what you expect, they will less often violate your rules and you'll have less conflict.
In your realm, you also need rules that govern your own behavior. These are the rules your Human comes up with to keep your Chimp in line. You’ll be far more likely to be happy and successful if you're able to establish and maintain clear rules for your Chimp. So, for example, if you establish a clear rule for yourself that you never eat junk food after 9 p.m., you’ll have an easier time controlling your Chimp’s late-night snack urges.
When you're in someone else’s realm, you must respect and abide by their rules just as you would expect them to do for your rules in your realm.
Respecting someone else’s rules doesn't mean acting subservient—it just means respecting their right to have the final say. However, you're never obligated to abide by someone else’s rules if they make you uncomfortable. You always have the right to leave someone else’s realm if their rules don’t sit right with your values. For example, if you're hanging out with a group of friends who expect you to do something mean to someone else, you might have to accept that those are their rules and you can’t change them, but you're within your rights to find another group of friends.
When you're in a joint realm, you enter into a relationship with another person where each of you agrees to a set of rules. There are two types of joint realms (relationships), and you must be clear about which you’re in because the rules will be different for each:
In both types of realms, there will be aspects of your relationship that will be shared but there will also be aspects that won't be shared. To prevent either of your Chimps from becoming aggravated, you must be clear as to which rules you both have a say in and which you each decide separately.
For example, in a personal relationship like a marriage, both people will be involved in buying a house, but each person may then have different responsibilities when moving in—one person might pick out the wall colors while the other might decide on the furniture placement. In a professional relationship, a manager and employee might both agree on the rules of when they can take a lunch break, but the decisions for where to go for that break will be the responsibility of each person individually.
Your moon of Preparation will stabilize your planet of Success because proper preparation will greatly increase your chances of seeing a project through. To properly prepare your Chimp and Human for a project, think through four areas:
Both your Chimp and your Human must commit to a project if you're going to successfully stick with it. Commitment is more than motivation: Motivation is ruled by emotions (by your Chimp), but such emotions can be fleeting. Motivation alone won’t pull you through a project because as soon as you “don’t feel like” doing it, you’ll abandon it.
In contrast, commitment is following a plan even if you don’t feel like it, and comes from the Human part of your brain. In order to engage both your Chimp and Human in a solid commitment to your project, think through two aspects:
Once you’ve explored these aspects of your project, you’ll be mentally prepared for setbacks and challenges, and you’ll therefore be more likely to stick with your project.
To enhance your commitment to a project, you need to feel some type of ownership of it. When you feel ownership, both your Chimp and your Human are enticed to work harder because the success becomes personal—it becomes a reflection of your identity. For example, imagine you work in a retail store, and the owner of the store suddenly transfers ownership of the store to you. Even if you were a conscientious worker before, you're likely to work much harder once you have an ownership stake in the store’s success.
Having ownership in a project can mean different things:
To succeed in a project, you must take responsibility for its completion, which means being disciplined and holding yourself accountable for each step along the way. This is where projects often fail: It’s easier to plan how you're going to approach a problem than it is to actually execute that plan.
To prevent your Chimp from shirking its responsibilities when it loses its emotion-based inspiration, establish benchmarks of progress that will hold you accountable, such as deadlines or checkpoints for partial completion. You can also engage another person to report to—you’re much more likely to stick with a project if you keep someone else updated on your progress.
Be realistic in your accountability checks so you don’t set yourself up for failure, which will activate your Chimp. Don’t expect to accomplish enormous chunks of your project in short amounts of time or you’ll just end up discouraged.
The fourth aspect of preparing for success is setting proper goals. Set goals that are ambitious enough to excite you but not so unrealistic that you set yourself up for failure. If you strive for goals that are unreachable, you’ll feel deflated and unmotivated when you don’t achieve them, and your Chimp will encourage you to give up entirely.
Goals are different from dreams. Dreams are things you wish for but don’t have full control over because there are outside influences involved, such as other people or lucky timing. Goals are things you can aim for and do have full control over. Your goals can help you work toward your dreams. However, if you mistakenly see your dreams as your goals, you won’t feel in control of your situation. You’ll perceive this lack of control as a threat, and your Chimp will awaken.
For example, if your dream is to win a race, you don’t have full control over that because you can’t control your competition—other people will be training for the race too, and may be faster than you simply because they have, for example, longer legs. However, you can set realistic goals that can help you possibly achieve your dream, such as getting in shape and eating well. If you see winning as your goal, your Chimp will be upset if you lose. However, if you see training well and doing your best as your goals, your Chimp won't be upset if you lose the race, because you’ve still been successful in your personal goals.
You're much more likely to be successful if you have a diverse set of “carrots,” that is, rewards, that you use to encourage yourself. Both your Human and your Chimp will respond more positively to rewards than to punishments. Rewards excite your inner Human and Chimp, while punishments—even if they are temporarily effective—produce anxiety and resentment.
Therefore, fill out your Moon of Carrots with a variety of rewards that will keep you working toward success, including:
Be aware of “sticks” (punishments) that you might encounter and that can derail your commitment to your project. Such sticks are typically negative thoughts, such as feelings of guilt, regret, and blame. Your Chimp gravitates toward such negative thinking because it gets caught up in emotions. When you find yourself beating yourself up for a setback, recognize this as a form of self-punishment and adjust your thoughts—your situation won’t improve through negative thinking. Instead, activate your inner Human to direct your thoughts to ways you can either change your circumstances or learn to accept them.
Once you’ve achieved success, you’ll be faced with different challenges from your Chimp. Be aware of the possibility for these so that you're better prepared to deal with them. They include:
When you experience failure, you'll have an emotional reaction. This is normal, and to properly move on from your failure, you must allow your Chimp to go through this emotional reaction. If you fully understand your emotions, you’ll be better able to anticipate them, deal with them, get some perspective on your situation, and eventually, move on.
Your Chimp’s emotional reaction to failure is a grief reaction. We normally think of grief as a reaction to a death, but grief is a normal response to any loss or failure. Grief is your Chimp’s way of processing something that’s hurtful and difficult to accept. There are some typical stages of grief that you can expect. These can happen in any order, but commonly occur in this order:
While everyone reacts differently to traumatizing circumstances, you can expect to get through these stages in about three months to a year if your loss was significant.
Both your Chimp and your Human must commit to a project if you're going to successfully stick with it. If you think through what you’ll need for the project and what challenges you might face, you’re much more likely to stick with it.
Describe a project you're planning to take on. Make a list of everything you’ll need to be successful in that project. (This might include both physical items like office space or craft tools, and it might include intangible things like time.)
Now make a list of up to three challenges you anticipate facing as you move forward. (Include both short-term and long-term challenges.)
Write down how you plan to meet those challenges. What can you do to prevent them, or in response to them when they happen? Will you need additional resources to face them? (If so, add them to your first list.)
Your seventh planet is Happiness. The specifics of what makes a person happy are different for every person, so to start, figure out specifically what will make you happy. Be aware, when evaluating what makes you happy, of the difference between what you might want and what you need. These are often the differences between what your Chimp wants and what your Human wants.
Keep tabs on your happiness and track your progress consciously. Keep a journal of the things that make you happy and the things that don’t. Keeping them consciously in your mind in this way will help you live more purposefully.
When you find yourself in a difficult time and feel unclear about how to move forward, you can use the “virtual twin” technique. With this technique, you’ll invent a copy of yourself to whom you can give advice. Give this twin a name to make it more real. Then, have a conversation with your virtual twin. Give your twin advice on how to solve their problems. You may find that you have an easier time figuring out your twin’s problems than your own because you’ve created some psychological distance.
Your planet of happiness won’t spin smoothly if you don’t have confidence in yourself. When you're confident, you feel secure, and when you're secure your Chimp feels happy.
When we discussed success, we explored how your happiness should be based on your efforts, not on the outcome of those efforts. Similarly, base your confidence on your efforts, and not on the results of them. If you base your confidence on specific accomplishments, then your confidence will be variable and you’ll live with constant fear of failure—this is typically how your Chimp measures its confidence. However, if you base your confidence on your efforts, then you’ll feel confident that you’ve done your best even when things don’t work out for you—this is how your Human views confidence.
The Human approach to confidence allows confidence to build on itself, since having an upbeat and optimistic outlook often leads to success anyway, which in turn feeds your confidence. For example, imagine you're preparing to give a speech in front of 1,000 people. Your Chimp will likely automatically feel fear and apprehension, because it bases your self-worth on the outcome of the speech. However, your Human knows that everyone agrees public speaking is difficult, and that if you mess up, it won’t reflect on who you are as a person. Your Human knows that if you do your best for the speech, you’ve succeeded. When you let your Human drive your confidence in this way, you’ll likely approach your speech with less anxiety and will consequently do a better job regardless.
If your Chimp doesn't feel safe and secure, you won’t achieve happiness. Your Chimp has a strong drive to protect itself from risk and danger in order to find happiness, but these instincts themselves can prevent you from finding happiness. For example, your Chimp might instinctively resist change because change means things will be unfamiliar and will introduce vulnerabilities into your life, but this might mean you resist pursuing a new career that would ultimately improve your happiness, if changing careers seems scary.
To prevent your Chimp from overreacting to perceived danger, confront your fears about risk. Your Chimp won’t be quieted by you simply ignoring risk, but if you're honest about the possibilities—both good and bad—that might result from any decisions you make, your Chimp will be better able to calm down, knowing that you at least are aware of the possible danger.
To prevent your Chimp from overreacting to perceived danger, confront your fears about risk.
Make a list of some of your fears. These might be professional fears or personal fears. Don’t hold back—write down even irrational or silly ones.
Explore these fears. Acknowledge them to your Chimp. Which ones are worth worrying about and which can you dismiss?
How can you talk to your Chimp about these fears? What logic or reasoning can you explain that will put these fears into perspective or help you prepare for them?
When each of your planets is spinning smoothly, you’ll feel happy and content. To review and sum up the previous planets, this means:
Changes take time, so when you're working to straighten out your planets and align your psychological state, don’t get discouraged if progress is slower than you anticipated. You may be changing more than you realize—often, other people notice changes in you before you do.
Above all, remember that you always have a choice in everything you do, and ultimately, it’s up to you which inner self rules your life: your Chimp or your Human. Accept them both for what each can offer you, and work with—not against—each one’s instincts so that you can let them guide you to a happy, secure, balanced life.