The Fifth Agreement

1-Page Summary

In The Fifth Agreement, don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz describe five “agreements” to make with yourself that adjust the way you see the world and your place in it. As you put these principles into practice, you’ll rediscover your true self and recapture the freedom and wholehearted love and joy you enjoyed as a child.

According to the authors, these agreements speak to the hearts of all people—everyone who’s learned a language, participated in a culture, and grown up around other people. They’re a series of intuitively common-sense principles we are all aware of, but which few of us actually practice. Those who have mastered the five agreements, the authors say, completely accept themselves as they are, and accept everyone else as they are, and the result is eternal happiness.

In this guide, we’ll begin by exploring the idea that each person’s reality is separate, relative, and unreal; we don’t see the “real” world, and we don’t see the same world. Then, we’ll learn how to escape that false reality through the five “agreements,” or five steps on the path to enlightenment.

Part 1.1: Doubt Your Perception

In the guide, we’ll often refer to the authors, don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz, as “the naguals.” Naguals, sometimes referred to as dreamers, masters, or scholars, act as a conduit between the spirit and the world, and pass on the teachings of the Toltec—whom the Ruizes say were the intellectual and cultural predecessors of the Aztec. To them, a Toltec is an artist of the spirit: a master storyteller who paints his own reality.

We open by exploring their foundational principle—that reality is subjective—in Part 1.1 and follow that in Part 1.2 with a discussion of the nature of and path to enlightenment. In Part 2, we discuss the five “agreements,” or adjustments, the authors recommend we make in pursuing our personal freedom. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call these the five steps on the Toltec road to enlightenment.

Perception Is Subjective

The authors’ first point is that the world we perceive through our senses is only a subjective interpretation of a thin slice of what actually exists in the world. They argue that the information our senses give us is heavily filtered and fabricated: For instance, our brains interpret a narrow band of radiation as “color.” Without eyes—and brains to interpret their signals—colors would not exist; in a literal sense, they don’t exist outside of us.

Furthermore, “reality,” the authors explain, isn’t perceived the same way by everyone who experiences it. Some of us are more sensitive to smells, see fewer colors, or can hear at higher frequencies. Plus, other creatures on our planet interpret the same world in very different ways—bats, for example, “see” reality in a way that’s so foreign to us that we can’t accurately imagine it. In short, we can’t assume that we all perceive the same world.

Shortform Commentary: Magenta Doesn’t Exist

As the Ruizes say, the world we experience using our senses isn’t an accurate portrayal of what’s really out there. We often take our brains for granted, failing to realize how untrustworthy they are—and that sometimes, they just make things up. You may have heard, for example, that the color magenta doesn’t exist. In the image below, you can see the frequencies and wavelengths of each of the visible colors (colors generally correspond to a particular wavelength of radiation). Magenta isn’t there.

The reason we see magenta in our daily lives is that our brains are used to averaging the colors we see into a blend. Green and red, when seen together, become yellow because yellow is the average wavelength between green and red. When red and purple appear together, we should see green—it’s the average wavelength between the two. But it doesn’t “make sense” for red and purple to mix into green, so our brains substitute “magenta.” Essentially, we only see magenta because “it looks right”—not because it reflects reality.

Language Conveys Subjective Beliefs

Further, the naguals argue that our beliefs are also subjective—and that, because we use language to describe those beliefs, our words carry preconceived notions about what is true, what is good, and what is bad. The naguals believe that, as a result, when we communicate with each other, we describe our subjective reality in subjective terms. Two people can hear the same words and interpret them differently.

(Shortform note: Modern science supports the authors’ claim that the language we use reflects and shapes our fundamental beliefs about the world. For example, linguistic researchers have discovered that people who speak different languages have different beliefs about blame and punishment in the case of accidents. In this way, the specific words people use impact their beliefs about the situation—just as the Ruizes describe.)

According to the authors, even if words aren’t universal and their meanings are variable, they do have a powerful effect on us. The words we use to describe ourselves, our environment, and the people around us set the tone of our perceived world. In short, the language we use dictates our beliefs.

(Shortform note: The segment of our personal language we use to describe ourselves or our world—both vocally and internally—is called “self-talk,” and it heavily affects our mood. People who use their internal voice to attack themselves are more likely to be depressed or anxious. When your internal voice keeps telling you, “I’m too stupid to do this,” or, “I’m too ugly to be loved,” you stop feeling hopeful about your future. As a result, you’re less likely to invest in that future by taking care of yourself or focusing on long-term goals—which, like the authors say, can profoundly impact your life.)

Belief Determines Happiness

The naguals’ point is largely that it’s our belief that matters most—how deeply we believe the things we “know” informs how much power those beliefs have over us. This is particularly important given most of our beliefs come from our society; we don’t choose those, so much of our perception of reality is out of our control.

Indeed, a core point the authors make is that in most cases, societal standards, norms, and beliefs are both deeply unhealthy and totally fabricated. The benchmarks we use to determine who’s good, bad, successful, unsuccessful are social constructs. In most cases, they’re nonsense, and they only matter because we’ve agreed they do. In short, the naguals suggest, we wouldn’t feel deficient if we weren’t taught to believe we’re deficient.

But—the naguals say—just because we believed everything our culture taught us as we grew up, when we didn’t have the capacity to doubt, doesn’t mean we have to keep believing it now. If each of us lives in our own subjective reality, why not interpret that reality in a way that encourages us to be happy?

Positive Psychology: Four Happiness-Killing Mindsets

The naguals don’t explicitly state which societally-advocated beliefs get in the way of our happiness, but positive psychologists (those who study happiness) identify four particularly damaging beliefs that prevent us from being happy. Each one identifies a success condition that’s impossible to achieve and ties our value or satisfaction to our ability to achieve it.

To be sustainably happy, positive psychologists say, we must discard the following beliefs:

Perfectionism: “I can and should attain perfection.” When you hold this belief, you attempt to meet unrealistic expectations and intangible goals. You can’t be happy unless you’re perfect and consistently generate perfect results.

Social Comparison: “I must compare favorably to others.” When you hold this belief, you compare your attributes to those of others and focus on the ways in which you fall short. You can’t be happy when you’re not the best.

Materialism: “I’m only worth as much as I have.” When you hold this belief, you can’t be happy because there’s always more to accumulate. Worse, if you lose your possessions, you lose what makes you feel valuable, so you’re always at risk.

Maximizing: “I can always do better.” When you hold this belief, you can’t enjoy what you have because it’s inferior to what you could have. There’s always a better job, a more attractive partner, or a faster car.

Part 1.2: Adjust Your Focus

Before we move on to the five agreements, we’ll explore the naguals’ description of three subjective “realities” we can inhabit.

Each subjective reality is a stage in the Toltec road to total personal freedom, culminating in the ability to choose what we believe and thereby determine our own satisfaction and happiness. Essentially, that final stage is a form of enlightenment—so we’ll compare each stage along the way to other enlightenment philosophies, like Buddhism, Taoism, and Hinduism.

In short, the naguals contend that our perception of reality—and therefore the way we think, feel, and behave—changes based on what we believe. As we begin to challenge and overcome the false “truths” we accepted as children, we grow progressively freer.

The following are the three stages we’ll explore:

Stage 1: The Mirage of “The Real World,” in which we take what we see at face value
Stage 2: The Seed of Doubt, during which we challenge our perceptions and beliefs
Stage 3: The Freedom of Control, in which we grow beyond what our society teaches

1. The Mirage of “The Real World”

Most of us, the naguals say, aren’t critical of what we perceive and learn. We trust what our culture, society, and teachers tell us, innocently and without reservation. We believe that what we’re seeing is all there is—we think we live in “the real world” and never realize that it’s only a mirage. This is the most common way to live, the naguals say. We’re handed a flawed belief system, and we accept it as-is.

(Shortform note: The authors suggest that this blind acceptance is almost universal. In A New Earth, spiritualist Eckhart Tolle agrees that, historically, only exceptional religious figures (such as the Buddha, Lao Tzu, and Jesus Christ) have learned to see past the mirage. However, Tolle also suggests that it’s becoming more and more common for people to see the flaws in our societal belief systems—potentially leading to what Tolle calls a “transformation of human consciousness.”)

Living in the mirage is torture, the Toltec say, because our belief in its reality leaves us no escape—we take the picture we’re handed of what the “correct” way to live is and hold ourselves to it. We copy the behaviors, beliefs, and emotions we believe to be “right,” burying our true selves under so many layers of conformity that we forget who we are or what we want. Furthermore, we live in fear that others will see us living “incorrectly” and punish us for it—and we validate that fear by attacking those around us who misbehave.

(Shortform note: Eckhart Tolle argues that the mirage doesn’t just harm us as individuals: It’s also actively destroying our social and physical environments. The values we’re taught to hold, he argues, are insane to the point of self-destruction: Society’s obsession with productivity and profit leads us to abuse and slaughter our own people and jeopardize the livability of our planet. If we want to survive, he says, we must collectively evolve beyond the materialistic values that are driving us apart. Instead, we must put people first.)

2. The Seed of Doubt

To reclaim our freedom, the Toltec say, we must replace judgment with acceptance. In other words, we must stop demanding everyone be “better” and just love them as they are. To love ourselves as we are, and experience the world as it is. In short, the second stage of Toltec enlightenment involves learning to accept what’s already here instead of focusing on how flawed it all is.

During the second stage, the naguals explain, we become aware of the ways our beliefs harm us and begin to disconnect from the mirage. We begin to doubt that the mirage is truly “the real world,” and awaken to the many small ways in which the beliefs we grew up with manifest as harm. We make adjustments to the way we respond to, think about, and see ourselves, others, and the world. We start to see what’s actually here, instead of what’s not here.

Shortform Commentary: What Does Acceptance Mean?

Other philosophies drive at this core principle—accepting things as they are—from different directions, but come to remarkably similar conclusions. For example, the Tao Te Ching is very direct. It tells us that the workings of the universe aren’t truly comprehensible or explainable and that we don’t have to know, label, or understand anything in order to experience it—or even to enjoy it. In fact, it’s often best not to stress about the whys and hows because what’s happening will happen anyway. What is, is, and that’s okay.

Like the Toltec, other philosophies also recommend showing yourself this same acceptance. For example, the Bhagavad Gita suggests that in order to find ourselves, we must discard every outside influence: Our search for peace and righteousness, our selfish desires, and our indulgence in sloth and despair. It’s the false “reality” created by our senses that gives rise to those things, not the true self at our core. To be yourself, discard everything you think you’re supposed to be and just focus on being what you already are.

3. The Freedom of Control

The final stage in the Toltec path is a form of what’s often called “enlightenment.” Let’s take a look at what enlightenment looks like for the Toltec:

The naguals say that the best stage of your life begins as soon as you completely stop judging. When you can allow yourself and others to simply exist, you lose the need to find yourself, to try to be someone else, or to “fix” yourself. Your personal story no longer describes a struggle against yourself, others, or the world—instead, it becomes a record of your existence, of the message you carry from the universe, to the universe. In short, because you’re no longer actively making yourself unhappy, you regain the childish freedom of being what you are without burden, expectation, or demand.

(Shortform note: Like the Ruizes, the Tao Te Ching says enlightenment is about living in the here and now, following the natural pull of your moment-to-moment experience. It’s about being at peace with the reality you live in—without expectations, self-consciousness, or attempts to control the actions of others. Similarly, the Bhagavad Gita explains that an enlightened person is content to exist in every moment, believing that their purpose is simply to be a part of this world. In short, there aren’t any rules; you’re free to simply experience the moments you get to experience.)

Part 2: Challenge Your Reality

We’ve learned that we don’t have to continue to hold the harmful beliefs society has taught us and what our lives can look like when we’re free—now, let’s explore how to shed those beliefs and achieve freedom.

The authors present a five-step process to escape the mirage of “the real world” by reframing your perspective to adjust your reactions to the messages you receive. By practicing the five steps in your own life, the naguals say, you begin to reconnect with your needs and desires and reclaim the freedom to be satisfied with yourself as you are. In other words, what follows is the Toltec road to enlightenment.

Let’s look at each step in detail.

Step 1: Use Your Words Wisely

The first step in the Toltec process is to use your words wisely. In the mirage of “the real world,” we use words to denigrate, criticize, and attack not just those we dislike, but our friends, our children, and even ourselves.

“Use your words wisely” means don’t weaponize your words against yourself. Don’t describe yourself in hurtful ways, inside your head or aloud—for example, by telling yourself you’re ugly, stupid, or a failure. When you do that, you accept those messages as truth and make those negative beliefs a part of your reality. It’s no wonder you’re not happy when you see yourself that way. Instead, allow yourself to be as you are without judgment—nothing about you is inherently imperfect, even if you’ve been taught to believe otherwise.

(Shortform note: Another important thing to remember is that self-criticism typically doesn’t reflect reality. For example, psychologists note that those who self-criticize often feel that they receive less support from others, that they’re less attractive, and that they’re less happy than others. However, studies show that in most cases, these feelings don’t reflect their reality—instead, the tendency to self-criticize trains us to overestimate the negative aspects of our experience and underestimate the positive.)

Further, let others be as they are, too: Don’t externalize the voice that hurts you. The authors say that when you use your words against others, to spread gossip, criticism, or hurt, you’re not using them wisely. You further the hurt others already feel and push them to conform to the harmful societal beliefs you’re attempting to move away from. Additionally, you invite a future in which that hurt comes back to you as mistreatment. Respect the power your words can have, over others as well as yourself.

(Shortform note: When you use your words to hurt others, you risk starting long-term conflicts. In The Anatomy of Peace, the Arbinger Institute explains that when we provoke, demean, and infuriate others, we motivate them to respond in kind and initiate a cycle of mistreatment. As the cycle continues, we stop seeing them as people, instead seeing them as distasteful objects that can’t be reasoned with. Over time, the conflict festers and grows, dragging in those around us as we grow further and further apart. Do others the courtesy of seeing them as people, with needs, struggles, and hopes of their own—you’ll find it harder to justify using your words and actions to hurt them, and that will keep you out of cyclical conflicts.)

Step 2: Remember It’s Not About You

The second step on the Toltec path to reclaiming your personal freedom is to understand that the words and actions of others are based on their own relative perceptions: They’re not actually about you.

Why is this the case? Because, as we’ve discussed, we all live in our own private world. We see things differently and we hold our own subjective beliefs. The authors explain that due to this subjectivity, everyone you know has an image of you in their head wholly based on their subjective perception of you and your actions. This image includes assumptions about who you are, what you think, what your life is like, and what you’re good and bad at.

Ultimately, these assumptions can’t possibly reflect the truth of who you are because nobody has a clue what’s going on inside your head.

People Don’t Know You As Well As You’d Think

The naguals say we shouldn’t take it personally if others don’t see us for who we really are because, bluntly, nobody can. In fact, Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson, author of No One Understands You and What To Do About It explains that we think others know us better than they really do. We assume anyone can tell what we want, what we think, or what we mean—but that’s not the case at all. It’s possible for someone to get close, but it takes so much effort that most people won’t bother.

The mental picture others have of us, Dr. Halvorson says, is built by a two-part system of thought. “System one” thinking is automatic, hasty, and reflexive; people engage system one when they see a small slice of us and make a series of snap judgments. In contrast, “system two” requires conscious effort and focused intent; people engage system two when they deliberately put aside their snap judgments and get to know the real you.

Often, people don’t use system two at all: Unless they make an intentional effort to be open-minded, they go with their first impulse and leave it at that. Even those who make the effort are still missing a lot—they only see what you show them and they may not eliminate all their assumptions, biases, and filters. Take the perspectives of others with a grain of salt.

Step 3: Don’t Guess People’s Intentions

The third step in the Toltec path is to accept that you can’t guess what someone else is thinking or what’s going on in their life. This is essentially the previous step in reverse: The naguals explain that your assumptions about another person’s reasoning or behavior aren’t based on what's really going on with them, but on your (probably false) perception of them. Therefore, when you expect others to behave a certain way, you set yourself up for disappointment. The naguals’ suggestion? To avoid disappointment and be happy socially, stop making these kinds of assumptions.

(Shortform note: In his book Talking to Strangers, Malcolm Gladwell explains that while we think we’re good at reading people, we’re actually terrible at it. We assume people are telling the truth and that the way they present themselves outwardly is an accurate and reliable representation of their inner feelings and intentions. But don’t we all occasionally hide our true feelings, tell half-truths, or mask our intent—and haven’t we gotten away with it? Why should others be any different?)

Step 4: Be the Best You Can, Without Comparing

The fourth step on the Toltec path is to do the best you can. As you work to challenge and adjust your beliefs and implement the first three steps, the naguals say you’ll inevitably experience missteps and mistakes. Don’t take that to mean you’re not improving. As long as you’re always doing your best, you’ll continue to progress. Growth takes time, the naguals admit, and a mindset shift like this is a big adjustment.

While striving to do your best, the naguals explain that it’s critical to maintain a realistic expectation of what your “best” is: Like everything else in our world, your “best” is relative. In short: Your best is whatever you can do right now. That capacity will change from moment to moment, and day to day.

If you define your “best” as the highest bar you’ve ever achieved and expect that of yourself no matter the circumstances, you set yourself up for failure and disappointment. In contrast, the naguals suggest, when you accept that you’ve done what you can for the day, you have no reason to beat yourself up; self-criticism becomes unnecessary and unreasonable.

Maintain a Growth Mindset

When we don’t succeed, we often punish ourselves—sometimes we spend years beating ourselves up for one mistake. But mistakes happen even when we try our best, the naguals say; they’re a sign that we’re growing. Don’t dwell on them—focus on getting better each day.

In Drive, Daniel H. Pink recommends maintaining a growth mindset. He explains that people with a growth mindset believe they have the potential to get better at anything they want to do. As a result, they see effort as the driver of improvement, focus on progress over results, and examine their failures for useful feedback. He points out that it’s not possible to achieve total, effortless mastery, no matter the skill. There’s always more to learn and new situations to apply your knowledge to, and improving isn’t easy.

As you practice changing the way you see your world, keep in mind that judgment and self-criticism are deeply ingrained habits. Changing your thinking is difficult, and it won’t happen overnight—so just do what you can each day. Take pride in incremental progress; improvement is success. Your capacity isn’t static: If you couldn’t succeed today, don’t take that to mean you never will!

Step 5: Doubt Every Message

Once you arrive at the fifth step, you’re ready to move to the third stage of Toltec enlightenment—the freedom of control. In other words, since you’re no longer being controlled by beliefs you didn’t choose, it’s up to you to decide how to live. You have the freedom to choose the shape and tone of your subjective reality.

To maintain total freedom, the naguals say, doubt and question everything you hear. No matter how well you manage your environment, you’ll still live in a shared world. As such, you’ll often see upsetting or manipulative messages—your culture and society, for example, will still attempt to tell you what to believe, how to feel, and who to be. Social media will still blast you with emotional content. If you blindly take these things at face value, the naguals warn, assuming they’re true, valid, and “real,” you risk being dragged back into the mirage.

(Shortform note: The “doubt” the naguals are promoting is what’s often called “healthy skepticism.” It’s important to note that a skeptic is different from a cynic: While a cynical person leverages doubt to avoid adjusting their worldview, doubting evidence that contradicts their beliefs, a skeptic holds off on making adjustments until they’ve gathered sufficient evidence to determine what’s really true.)

Instead, the naguals recommend you use doubt as a tool to detach yourself from your knee-jerk, automatic response to incoming messages. If you don’t immediately accept an upsetting message as fact, its impact is dulled and slowed, and you have time to think about it before it becomes part of your subjective reality. That ability to detach and delay, emotionally and intellectually, allows you to control what you believe, feel, and think, as well as how you behave, regardless of what’s happening around you. It’s how you maintain the freedom of control.

(Shortform note: Part of doubting what you hear is holding off on deciding whether it’s true or not—or whether you believe or agree with it. In short, you’ll need to embrace uncertainty, which psychologists argue is a healthy practice. Doing so is critical to becoming emotionally stable, and it builds resilience—the ability to adapt to change. That’s part of what the naguals want for you: To be able to face the uncertainty of your social and personal future with bravery and hope.

Shortform Introduction

In The Fifth Agreement, don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz describe five “agreements” to make with yourself that adjust the way you see the world and your place in it. According to the authors, these agreements speak to the hearts of all people—everyone who’s learned a language, participated in a culture, and grown up around other people. They’re a series of intuitively common-sense principles we are all aware of, but which few of us actually practice. Those who have mastered the five agreements, the authors say, completely accept themselves as they are, and accept everyone else as they are, and the result is eternal happiness.

About the Authors

(Note: In the guide, we’ll often refer to the authors, don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz, as “the naguals.” Naguals, sometimes referred to as dreamers, masters, or scholars, act as a conduit between the spirit and the world, and pass on the teachings of the Toltec—whom the Ruizes say were the intellectual and cultural predecessors of the Aztec. To them, a Toltec is an artist of the spirit: a master storyteller who paints his own reality.)

don Miguel Ruiz is a Mexican author and Toltec nagual whose works focus on personal authenticity and freedom. He’s published multiple international bestsellers, including The Four Agreements, The Mastery of Love, The Voice of Knowledge, and The Circle of Fire, under the banner of “The Toltec Wisdom Series.” He also appears on talk shows, podcasts, and YouTube, and he’s considered a “national treasure” in his home country.

In his younger years, Ruiz graduated from medical school in Mexico City and became a practicing neurosurgeon in Tijuana before changing the trajectory of his life after a near-fatal car crash. He describes the accident as an enlightening revelation, saying that he rediscovered the truth of life—that we are not our physical body, that the gift we’re given is life itself, and that our only mission is to enjoy that life. Following his recovery, he left medicine to study under his mother, following her nagual teachings and coming to a deep understanding of the physical universe and the virtual reality of the mind. As a result, he says, he has “an attitude of love.”

Connect with don Miguel Ruiz:

Appearances by don Miguel Ruiz:

The Four Agreements with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday
Beyond The Four Agreements with Barbara Emrys on Inspire Nation
How to Live, Love, and Die Like a Spiritual Master with Aubrey Marcus on AMP Podcast

don Jose Ruiz, son of don Miguel Ruiz, began his journey of becoming a nagual at a young age, guided by his parents, grandmother, and other naguals. Like his father, don Jose is dedicated to sharing the Toltec culture’s wisdom, combining ancient spirituality with modern insights. He teaches, lectures, and hosts workshops and power journeys (a type of spiritual retreat focused on self-awareness) around the United States and worldwide. Occasionally, he appears on podcasts or on his father’s YouTube channel.

don Jose has also released an album of meditation music in concert with a collective of artists called The Circle of Shadows, as well as a meditative, spoken-word dream journal.

Other Books by don Jose Ruiz:

My Good Friend the Rattlesnake (2014)

The Wisdom of the Shamans (2018)

The Medicine Bag (2020)

Shamanic Power Animals (2021)

Connect with don Jose Ruiz:

The Book’s Publication

The Fifth Agreement was published by Amber-Allen Publishing, Inc. in 2010 as an expanded sequel to The Four Agreements (1997). It contains the entirety of The Four Agreements as well as a new fifth agreement, several chapters discussing the stages of the progressive journey toward personal freedom, and a new afterword.

The Four Agreements was published as part of don Miguel Ruiz’s Toltec Wisdom series; it sold over 10 million copies in the US and was a New York Times bestseller for over a decade.

don Miguel Ruiz’s other books in the Toltec Wisdom series explore the same underlying philosophy in more depth, each with a different focus. His foundational theme, which he describes in most detail in The Voice of Knowledge, revolves around the conflict—in our world and within ourselves—between truth and lies. Everything we learn that teaches us to believe we’re not enough, to self-hate and self-criticize, is a lie, he says; to be happy, we must reject those lies and return to the truth of being what we are. It’s a simple concept, and he uses it to explain our struggles in many areas.

In The Voice of Knowledge, he includes the four agreements as a means of challenging self-criticism. The goal of following the agreements, he says here, is to return to the childish freedom of existing without thought, of just feeling what we feel and experiencing what we experience. This is, essentially, enlightenment.

In The Mastery of Love, Ruiz focuses on the lies we learn about love. He explains that our false beliefs lead us to seek—or just accept—controlling, abusive relationships. We actually deserve real, unconditional connections, Ruiz says, but—as he notes in The Fifth Agreement—we can’t have what we really deserve until we stop chasing what we’re taught to think we deserve.

don Jose Ruiz takes a similar tack in his own work; the foundational principles of truth vs lies and reality vs dream remain core to his philosophy. don Jose explores these principles from the perspective of shamanism. In Wisdom of the Shamans, he explains that each of us is a part of a greater whole. In the same way an oak tree relies on the existence of the earth, water, and sun to be what it is, so are we reliant on the world we’re part of—remove any major aspect of that world, and we become unable to exist as we are.

To him, each of us is connected to a universal force—this is a common philosophical idea; some call that universal force life, light, God, unity, or the Tao, while others are content to call it “the universe.” Regardless of the name you choose for it, Ruiz says, a shaman is one who has awoken to that connection and is therefore able to engage with his world on his own terms. His books, The Wisdom of the Shamans, The Medicine Bag, and Shamanic Power Animals, teach the reader how to find and make use of that connection.

The Book’s Context

Historical Context

don Miguel Ruiz and his son claim a direct lineage to the Toltec of old, and—as naguals—credit their knowledge, teachings, and spirituality to the Toltec.

In some cases, historians refer to the Toltec as a Mesoamerican legend; a semi-mythical culture revered—and perhaps invented by—the Aztec. In other cases, experts describe the Toltec as the warrior culture from which the worship of Quetzalcoatl originated, and from whom the Aztec inherited the alleged practice of human sacrifice. Overall, historians appear to disagree on whether the Toltec were an imperial power, a small-time kingdom, or something else entirely.

In their work, the Ruizes describe the Toltec as a group of scientists and artists who came together to study and conserve the spiritual practices and knowledge of their predecessors. Perhaps corroborating this claim, in the language of the Nahua, one of the indigenous peoples of Mexico, Toltec means artist, artisan, or wise man.

Either way, most of the information we have about the Toltec comes from Aztec and post-colonial texts and oral traditions. Given the worship-like esteem the Aztec held for the Toltec, historians express uncertainty regarding the reliability of Aztec information about them. What we can be sure of is that the Toltec were masters of sculpture and architecture, as their buildings and sculptures are the only first-hand evidence that remains of the culture.

Intellectual Context

The ideas put forth in The Fifth Agreement, and The Four Agreements before it, can be found—albeit described differently—in various philosophies and religions.

The book’s core principle, that the world we perceive is a subjective construct that distracts us from what’s really “true,” is shared by Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist, and Christian texts, among others. In Western philosophy, the same idea is expressed by René Descartes, who arrived at his famous claim “I think, therefore I am” in the process of eliminating from his personal belief system anything that could be doubted—including the world his senses showed him.

The Ruizes extend this core principle by noting that not only do humans perceive a different world than really exists, but each human also perceives this world differently. This idea is similarly foundational to the discipline of phenomenological psychology, which notes that a person’s lived experience can be dramatically altered by changes in their mindset, their emotional state, or their physical body. A person whose leg was recently amputated, for example, will perceive, experience, and navigate a room very differently from a person whose legs are both sound; their “reality” is fundamentally different.

Further, psychology notes that our subjective perception of the world and the events of our lives can be altered willingly—we assign meaning and value to what we see according to our personal belief system, and those beliefs can be altered or discarded. The process of examining and adjusting our beliefs—about ourselves, others, and the world—enables successful therapeutic interventions for illnesses like depression and anxiety by allowing us to determine our own benchmarks for success, happiness, and freedom.

The five “agreements” presented by the Ruizes constitute their approach to adjusting our perception of—and reaction to—our world to maximize our freedom to determine how we feel. The Ruizes call this state of total freedom and effortless control “the dream of the third attention.” This final state is essentially what other philosophies refer to as “enlightenment.”

In the sphere of enlightenment philosophy, The Fifth Agreement is unique in that it presents a five-step plan to attaining enlightenment. It’s uncommon that enlightenment—a state that’s difficult to describe in words, let alone teach another person to feel—is boiled down to such a straightforward process. We’ll delve into the connection between The Five Agreements and various interpretations of enlightenment later in the guide.

The Book’s Impact

The Fifth Agreement encompasses most of the information in The Four Agreements, which has been hugely influential. The Four Agreements has been a New York Times bestseller for over a decade and spent over two years on Publisher’s Weekly’s bestseller list, selling over 10 million copies in the US alone. It has been translated into 46 languages.

The book’s cultural impact is evident in the fact that Oprah Winfrey promoted it multiple times—in her magazine and tv show in 2001, and again twelve years later on her show Super Soul Sunday.

The agreements are still widely discussed on the internet today, in forums and articles on psychology, philosophy, wellness, and spirituality. Their ubiquity is also visible in the attention their authors have enjoyed. For example, don Miguel Ruiz received a US Air Force challenge coin. Furthermore, he still hosts talk shows and podcasts about his philosophy years after the books’ publication.

The Book’s Strengths and Weaknesses

Critical Reception

It’s difficult to address the critical reception of The Fifth Agreement without acknowledging the impact of its predecessor, The Four Agreements. The first book was wildly popular, and while the second has enjoyed some success since it was published, it has much to measure up to. Further, since The Fifth Agreement contains the entirety of The Four Agreements, praise and criticism for one is often applied to the other.

A criticism solely leveled at The Fifth Agreement is that the authors wrote it primarily as a cash grab. Critics argue that The Four Agreements was well-written, helpful, and generally beloved, and that The Fifth Agreement retreads the same ground without adding much of consequence.

Otherwise, criticism for The Fifth Agreement follows the same trend as that of The Four Agreements. Critics of both books claim that the “agreements,” if followed without proper thought, can be actively harmful. Blindly following a principle like “don’t take anything personally,” these critics say, can be interpreted as permission to ignore all external criticism or discard self-awareness.

Those who dislike the books also describe the foundational principle as “mystical nonsense,” say that the books are too long-winded, or claim that the actionable steps—the “agreements”—are too simplistic to take seriously.

Those who praise the books, however, describe the life-changing effects of beginning to doubt the “truth” of societal expectations, shame, and excessive self-criticism. Many reviewers highlight the freedom and relief that can come with understanding why life is what you make of it, and many claim The Four Agreements is a book everyone should read. Often, the ideas in the book are praised because they’re simple; the underlying logic may be too much for some readers, but the actionables can be put into practice regardless.

Commentary on the Book’s Approach

The state of mind the authors of The Fifth Agreement want their readers to embody is a felt experience rather than one describable in words. As such, they often lead the reader to an intuitive understanding of the principles by describing relevant anecdotes or trains of thought that evoke an emotionally tangible “lived experience” for the reader, rather than by stating their conclusions outright.

For example, in one section, the reader is asked to imagine sitting in a theater and watching the movie of their life. They see their parents, friends, and acquaintances, and all the familiar formative events centered around them as the main character. After a time, the reader is led to watch the movie of their mother’s life and discovers how differently she’s interpreted the same events. They notice that she sees everything, including them, very differently than they do. Events that felt significant to them are only sidenotes in their mother’s story, and vice-versa—thus, the reader is guided to the realization that “everyone lives in a different reality.”

This meandering approach can be rewarding if the reader is open to being led to the principles indirectly, but it can equally be frustrating for those who prefer a more direct style.

Commentary on the Book’s Organization

The book is split into two main parts. The first part centers around the power of symbology and belief: We’re surrounded by implied meanings, values, and expectations, the authors say, and our freedom is determined by how strongly we believe in those symbols. This part also contains the first four of the titular “agreements.” They’re each a means of adjusting our beliefs and assumptions to better enable us to be happy and free.

The second part centers on the power of doubt. Doubt, the authors say, is the tool we use to challenge our societal, cultural, and personal expectations and beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world we live in. The authors explore the titular fifth “agreement” here: Doubt the words others use to convey their true message and that message becomes easier to see. They follow this agreement with a description of three stages of “dream”—or perspectives on life—that we progress through on our road to the Toltec equivalent of enlightenment.

The five “agreements” presented in the book don’t each have their own chapter; rather, they’re often presented as mid-chapter “conclusions” to a train of thought. As such, it can be difficult to flip through the book and find, say, the third “agreement” and its rationale.

Our Approach in This Guide

We open by exploring the foundational principle—that reality is subjective—in Part 1.1, and follow that in Part 1.2 with a discussion of the nature of and path to enlightenment. In Part 2, we discuss the five “agreements,” which are the adjustments the authors recommend we make in pursuing our personal freedom—or, the Toltec road to enlightenment.

In this guide, instead of presenting the discussion of “the three stages of dream”—the evolution of awareness that leads to enlightenment—at the end of the work, we discuss this topic much earlier. Discussing the journey through the “dreams” early provides helpful context for the ultimate purpose of the five “steps” to happiness and freedom, or five “agreements.” Relatedly, we’ve extracted the principles of the agreements from the book’s anecdotes and tangents to aid clarity and highlight the logical flow that underpins those principles.

Our commentary—particularly in Part 1.2, where we discuss the Toltec path to enlightenment—connects the Ruizes’ ideas to other enlightenment philosophies, particularly from Buddhism, Taoism, and Hinduism. The Toltec interpretation shares many similarities with these other philosophies but explains the core principles quite differently.

Part 1.1: Doubt Your Perception

We open by exploring their foundational principle—that reality is subjective—in Part 1.1, and follow that in Part 1.2 with a discussion of the nature of and path to enlightenment. In Part 2, we discuss the five “agreements,” or adjustments, the authors recommend we make in pursuing our personal freedom. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call these the five steps on the Toltec road to enlightenment.

Our Reality Is Subjective

In the opening chapters of The Fifth Agreement, the authors invite us to challenge our perception of reality. What we see isn’t all there is, they say, and much of what we do see isn’t objectively real. Further, they argue that our knowledge and beliefs are just as subjective as our perception, and that accepting the values and mores of our cultures without doubt restricts our freedom and prevents us from being truly happy. In challenging what we see and believe, the naguals say we can reclaim the power to experience the world we enjoyed as children, free of judgment, self-criticism, and shame.

In the following sections, we’ll explore the subjectivity of reality—in particular the subjectivity of perception and language—and how our personal reality is affected by the beliefs we internalize.

Perception Is Subjective

The authors’ first point is that the world we perceive through our senses is only a subjective interpretation of a thin slice of what actually exists in the world. They argue that the information our senses give us is heavily filtered and fabricated: Our brains interpret a narrow band of radiation as “color,” the presence of certain particles in large enough numbers as “smells,” and waves of compressed air as “sounds.” Without eyes, ears, and noses—and brains to interpret their signals—colors, smells, and sounds would not exist; in a literal sense, they don’t exist outside of us.

Shortform Commentary: Magenta Doesn’t Exist

As the Ruizes say, the world we experience using our senses isn’t an accurate portrayal of what’s really out there. We often take our brains for granted, failing to realize how untrustworthy they are. There are dozens of studies showing how the brain’s hasty processing leads us to see things that aren’t there, come to conclusions that don’t make sense, or ignore important details.

It’s not just that our brains are often too rushed to do a good job; sometimes they just make things up. You may have heard, for example, that the color magenta doesn’t exist. In the image below, you can see the frequencies and wavelengths of each of the visible colors (colors generally correspond to a particular wavelength of radiation). Magenta isn’t there.

The reason we see magenta in our daily lives is because our brains are used to averaging the colors we see into a blend. Green and red, when seen together, become yellow because yellow is the average wavelength between green and red. When red and purple appear together, we should see green—it’s the average wavelength between the two. But it doesn’t “make sense” for red and purple to mix into green, so our brains substitute “magenta.” Essentially, we only see magenta because “it looks right”—not because it reflects reality.

Language Conveys Subjective Beliefs

Further, the naguals argue that our beliefs—and the languages we use to codify and communicate them—are also subjective. Because our perceptions are subjective, they say, we each have our own ideas about how people should live, what the things we perceive mean, and what’s right or wrong. These beliefs aren’t universal, but many of us still assume that the ones we hold are factually correct.

(Shortform note: Indeed, the more correct we think our beliefs are, the more likely it is we’re mistaken. A 2018 study discovered that the more certain people are that their view of a topic is correct, the less they tend to know about it. In short, once we’re convinced that we “know” something, we stop trying to learn more about it.)

We use language to conceptualize and describe those beliefs, so our words carry preconceived notions about what is true, what is good, and what is bad. The naguals believe that, as a result, when we communicate with each other, we describe our subjective reality in subjective terms. Two people can hear the same words and interpret them differently.

Each language has its own name for water, for example, and that name carries additional meanings and implications depending on the circumstances and beliefs of the people who named it. Those people might feel that water is sacred, that it has spiritual significance—or that it’s a resource to be tapped, a danger to be avoided, and so on. In short, the meanings words carry are beliefs—and they’re as subjective as our perceptions.

Scientists Agree: Language Shapes Belief

Modern science supports the authors’ claim that the language we use reflects and shapes our fundamental beliefs about the world. For example, linguistic researchers have discovered that people who speak different languages have different beliefs about blame and punishment in the case of accidents. If an English speaker witnesses someone accidentally knock over a vase, they’ll likely say, “He broke the vase.” On the other hand, if a Spanish speaker witnesses the same event, they’re more likely to say, “The vase broke.”

As a result of these different constructions, the English-speaking witness will remember more details about the man who broke the vase and assign more blame (and, consequently, punishment) to him, whereas the Spanish-speaking witness will treat the incident as a pure accident. In this way, the specific words people use impact their beliefs about the situation—just as the Ruizes describe.

Learning Language Means Learning Unhappiness

The naguals explain that this linguistic subjectivity—and our blind acceptance of subjective beliefs as concrete facts—is the source of our unhappiness. As children, the naguals say, we’re happy because we’re not yet programmed by language to believe certain things. Instead, we accept the reality we perceive for what it is, innocently and without judgment. We don’t have meanings, morals, and expectations assigned to our perceptions. It’s not until we learn language that we begin to distinguish between male and female, good and bad, or clever and stupid. We just see what is, and accept it as given. We’re free to be whatever we are because we’ve yet to learn it’s possible for us to be “wrong.”

(Shortform note: As the Ruizes note, it’s impossible for children to think critically about what they learn. By the time we’ve acquired the majority of our first language—before the age of 6—we’re still a few years away from being able to think logically. Further, the kind of abstract thinking required to analyze and evaluate a culturally-conveyed value like sexism doesn’t even begin to develop until age 11—and the part of the brain that handles it doesn’t fully develop until age 25. In short, we spend a long time thoughtlessly believing claims we accept at face value—and being miserable because of it.)

As we learn language—internalizing our culture’s values and beliefs—we’re disconnected from that childish freedom. We become unhappy, the authors say, because we learn the meaning of words like bad, imperfect, and ugly, and accept the implication that we can be those things. We accept, if our teachers tell us this is true—that women should be subservient, that men must be strong, that hairstyles are gender-restricted, and so on.

(Shortform note: One of the easiest—and therefore most popular—ways to research the effects of cultural messaging on our happiness is to study the differences between people who do and don’t watch TV. Many studies have found, for instance, that watching a lot of TV leads to an increase in self-objectification and body-shaming, as well as decreased trust in other people and society as a whole. It’s not the TV itself that’s causing this—it’s the fact that we compare ourselves to the people on TV and find ourselves lacking.)

We Believe What We “Know”

The authors believe that if our personal language is full of criticism and judgment, we live in a world where acceptance must be earned and everyone’s pressured to live up to a standard. On the other hand, if the words we use to describe our reality are warm, loving, and cheerful, we feel more hopeful, loved, and worthy. And if we take the underlying cultural implications of the words we use as gospel, accepting them as concrete knowledge rather than subjective interpretations of reality, our perspective is aligned with the beliefs of our culture, and deviation from those beliefs will trouble us.

(Shortform note: Why are we so quick to accept cultural beliefs as objective truth rather than subjective interpretations? It may be because we feel the need to conform to a group standard in order to fit in and find acceptance. Research shows that this compulsion to conform to the beliefs and norms of the group is so powerful that it can cause us to develop prejudice against others—and that outside of an environment in which we think we’re supposed to be prejudiced, we often behave very differently.)

This is the curse of knowledge, as the Toltec explain it. The more we know—the more we agree to believe and accept as fact—the less free will we have, because the more our view of the world is restricted. For instance, if our culture teaches us, through language, that it’s bad to be fat, and we believe that, we’re no longer free to be both fat and content. When we’re fat, we believe we must be ashamed of it, and that we can’t be happy with ourselves as we are. Our knowledge becomes a judge that lives in our head, pointing out every way in which we fail to live up to what we’ve learned to believe we should be.

(Shortform note: In the early 2000s, the link between belief and perception or behavior was clarified by several studies centering around the then-popular debate regarding the existence of free will. The results of this research can arguably be extrapolated to show that other beliefs or “knowledge” can change the way we approach our lives and relationships: Researchers found that people who believed there was no such thing as “free will” were more likely to cheat, steal, and make excuses to avoid helping others. In contrast, those who did believe in free will were more generous, worked harder, and felt life was more meaningful.)

Belief Determines Happiness

Positive Psychology: Four Happiness-Killing Mindsets

The naguals don’t explicitly state which societally-advocated beliefs get in the way of our happiness, but positive psychologists (those who study happiness) identify four particularly damaging beliefs that prevent us from being happy. Each one identifies a success condition that’s impossible to achieve, and ties our value or satisfaction to our ability to achieve it.

To be sustainably happy, positive psychologists say, we must discard the following beliefs:

Perfectionism: “I can and should attain perfection.” When you hold this belief, you attempt to meet unrealistic expectations and intangible goals. You can’t be happy unless you’re perfect and consistently generate perfect results.

Social Comparison: “I must compare favorably to others.” When you hold this belief, you compare your attributes to those of others and focus on the ways in which you fall short. You can’t be happy when you’re not the best.

Materialism: “I’m only worth as much as I have.” When you hold this belief, you can’t be happy because there’s always more to accumulate. Worse, if you lose your possessions, you lose what makes you feel valuable, so you’re always at risk.

Maximizing: “I can always do better.” When you hold this belief, you can’t enjoy what you have because it’s inferior to what you could have. There’s always a better job, a more attractive partner, or a faster car.

Part 1.2: Adjust Your Focus

Before we move on to the five agreements, we’ll explore the naguals’ description of three subjective “realities” we can inhabit.

The following are the three stages we’ll explore:

Stage 1: The Mirage of “The Real World,” in which we take what we see at face value
Stage 2: The Seed of Doubt, during which we challenge our perceptions and beliefs
Stage 3: The Freedom of Control, in which we grow beyond what our society teaches

The Three Stages of Toltec Enlightenment

Enlightenment is a simple concept that’s easy to understand logically, but difficult to understand intuitively. It often evades explanation or description for the same reasons the naguals say that language is flawed; it’s a felt, lived experience. Many cultures and philosophies discuss the concept, however, and agree that an enlightened person has found freedom through understanding some fundamental truth. Until we “get it,” it’s hard to achieve lasting happiness.

To the Toltec, enlightenment is achieved primarily by discarding the set of beliefs that lead us to judge ourselves and others, returning to a state in which we’re content to live and let live. Each of us, they say, inhabits one of the three following stages—or perceptions—of reality. Most of us inhabit the first stage, but those who seek enlightenment—the third stage—must first progress through the second. Let’s look at each stage in detail below.

1. The Mirage of “The Real World”

According to the Toltec, our belief in the mirage contains two primary flaws. First, we believe we’re imperfect. Second, we believe we’re separate individuals. These two beliefs, the Toltec say, lie at the root of our suffering. Let’s look at each belief in detail.

We Believe We’re Imperfect

According to the authors, much of our unhappiness arises from the false belief that we must always be improving ourselves: that it’s wrong to believe we’re good enough as we are.

(Shortform note: In the Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu takes a bold stance on this kind of self-evaluation: He argues that there is no “good” or “bad” in the first place—no “enough” or “not enough.” All that exists comes from the same source—it’s all part of the Tao, the universe, God, or whatever you prefer to call it—so it’s all equally valid and doesn’t need constant improvement.)

When you live in the mirage of “the real world,” the Toltec say, you struggle with self-criticism and self-doubt because you think they’re your fault. You’re focused on the many ways in which you fail to live up to the standard of expectations set by your culture—the ways in which you’re “good” and “bad.” You feel you have much to be ashamed or embarrassed about: Perhaps you didn’t get married early enough, your career isn’t as successful as it “should” be, or you don’t own a house. Whatever your hangups, you’re stuck in the gap between what you should be and what you are. You’re focused, primarily, on what you aren’t.

(Shortform note: The experience of the mirage that the Toltec describe here is deeply emotional; fraught with shame and embarrassment. The Toltec present these as very real feelings you may struggle with—but, according to the Bhagavad Gita, emotions don’t reflect concrete reality either: They, too, are only subjective interpretations of our circumstances, colored by our beliefs. Most of us don’t realize that, the Gita explains, so we get stuck in a loop of reacting to our feelings, suffering from the result, and reacting again. The good news, though, is that knowing our feelings aren’t an accurate reflection of reality is often enough to help us take them less seriously—which allows us, as the Gita recommends, to look past them at what’s really going on.)

Further, the authors say, when we’re unsatisfied, we assume it’s because there’s something wrong with us or someone around us, rather than with the expectations we’ve agreed to subject ourselves to. As a result, we project, into the world, all the cultural and societal messages that are hurting us. Perhaps we mock others for being fat, or homeless, or unsuccessful. Or we blame those around us for our own struggles, failures, and unhappiness.

(Shortform note: In other words, when we suffer, we look for someone to blame—but according to the Buddha, suffering is a universal fact of life. According to him, all that exists has both desires and fears—every creature has resources to acquire and dangers to avoid, and that’s nobody’s fault. Fear and desire serve a necessary purpose; they’re neither inherently good nor bad, and experiencing them isn’t a sign that there’s something wrong with you.)

We Believe We’re Separate Individuals

The second flaw that our belief in the mirage causes, according to the Toltec, is that we fundamentally misunderstand our place in the world: We think of ourselves as individual, physical beings, and deny that we’re part of a greater system. We identify with our “personal” bodies, thoughts, and emotions. The truth, according to the Toltec, is none of those things: You aren’t your body or your mind; you’re the force of intent that moves it. That force moves every living thing—plants, animals, even bacteria. In humans, the authors explain, it’s the source of your love and your desire for connection with others. That connection, and the exchange of love which facilitates it, is our shared purpose.

(Shortform note: The Toltec aren’t the only ones who say it’s unhealthy to think of ourselves as individuals. In Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach translates the words of Buddha, who said that our suffering arises from the belief that we, as “individuals,” are separate from the world around us. According to him, there is no “self;” instead, we’re part of a universal presence of awareness and love. Lao Tzu, in his Tao Te Ching, essentially agrees: All that exists, he says, is part of the Tao—the universe, “reality,” or source of all things, and to make distinctions is therefore pointless.)

2. The Seed of Doubt

It won’t be easy; we’re struggling to shift to a perspective that’s almost the antithesis of what we’ve been taught. We’ll have to resist the impulse to judge others for “missing the point,” or to hold ourselves to new rules. If we keep at it, though, the naguals say we’ll be rewarded with emotional stability, self-love, and the ability to be present, engaged, and alive in every moment.

(Shortform note: In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle explains that this process of awakening is irreversible—once you start to doubt, he says, you never return to a total, blind acceptance of the mirage. Whether you manage the “full” awakening or not, you’ll gain some degree of permanent freedom simply through your awareness that the status quo is wrong: You’ll naturally stop holding yourself and others to rules you know aren’t as set in stone as you once thought.)

The fundamental truth the naguals are driving at boils down to this: You are not broken, or wrong. You don’t need to change to matter. Things don’t have to make sense, or be right, or be good. There are no rules to living “correctly” because there isn’t a “correct” way to live. All you’re required to do is exist, live, and experience the journey. All other requirements, obligations, and expectations are a distraction, a social construct, or a mirage.

As such, the Toltec say: Stop punishing and abusing yourself—be whoever you are today, and let bygones be bygones. Forgive yourself; nobody else can give you permission to enjoy the time you have left. Finally, believe in yourself—in your capacity to know what you like and don’t like, want and don’t want. No belief is more important.

Shortform Commentary: What Does Acceptance Mean?

Similarly, the Buddha’s prescription is to combine awareness with compassion, and mindfulness with tenderness. In other words, don’t punish yourself for living, or worry about how “well” you’re doing it; just live. When you hurt, yearn, or enjoy, Buddha explains, notice that and respond with acceptance and compassion. Don’t judge, evaluate, or compare; it’s natural to suffer, to want things, and to enjoy yourself. None of that is wrong; those are equally valuable pieces of your experience.

In the same vein, Zen master Seng-tsan said that to be free is to live without worrying about imperfection. Imperfection is a natural aspect of all that exists, so just accept yourself and others without judgment. We are what we are, and that’s okay, too. Becoming perfect is as unnecessary as it is impossible; you don’t need perfection to experience joy.

3. The Freedom of Control

The final stage in the Toltec path is a form of what’s often called “enlightenment.” Let’s take a look at what enlightenment looks like for the Toltec:

What to Do When You’re Enlightened

In doubting and re-examining our beliefs about reality, as the naguals recommend, we reclaim the power to decide for ourselves what we “should” be, how we’ll behave, what we care about, and why. You may still feel that you should dress nicely for work, but instead of that belief being an unthinking obligation, it’ll be a decision you make—and you’ll have your own reasons to back it up. This is a major component of the freedom of control—it’s the power to shape your own reality. You’ll never again be forced to do something just because you think you’re supposed to. It’ll be genuinely up to you.

Once you’ve reached this point, you’ve eliminated the influences—both external and internal—that drove your unhappiness. Most of us want more than that, though: We want to be happy. How do we do that? According to the Toltec, happiness is found through connection and service. When you find your peace and no longer feel driven to fix, acquire, and win, the naguals suggest it’s natural to discover desires to give, share, and experience cooperatively.

Living an Enlightened Life

Other than connecting with and serving others, what should you do with your newfound freedom? The Ruizes don’t say, but Taoist philosophy provides recommendations on how to spend the time you’re no longer wasting on trying to live up to expectations.

For example, the Tao Te Ching suggests embodying “the supreme virtue,” putting aside all personal perspectives or biases and making decisions based upon the flow and call of the universe only. Remember that in the Tao, there is no good, evil, right, or wrong—only what is. When you embody the supreme virtue, you help someone up after they fall simply because you feel like it—it doesn’t matter who they are or what you think; just that you feel drawn to act. To the Tao, that’s the best reason to do anything.

In both Toltec and Taoist philosophy, what you do when you’ve found your freedom is up to you. For the rest of your life, you only have to do exactly what you want to do.

Part 2: Challenge Your Reality

The authors present a five-step process to escape the mirage of “the real world” by reframing your perspective to adjust your reactions to the messages you receive. By practicing the five steps in your own life, the naguals say, you begin to reconnect with your needs and desires and reclaim the freedom to be satisfied with yourself as you are. You embrace the seed of doubt and embark on the path to the freedom of control. In other words, what follows is the Toltec road to enlightenment.

(Shortform note: There are many paths to discarding self-limiting beliefs and reclaiming a feeling of self-worth, and the Toltec road is just one of these. For example, cognitive behavioral therapists specialize in mindset-change—helping clients adjust the way they think about themselves and their day-to-day lives to gradually eliminate self-criticism and shame. Additionally, Daniel Kahneman, author of Thinking, Fast and Slow, suggests that the most high-impact determinant of personal happiness and life satisfaction is social connection. He recommends making more friends, teaching and mentoring, and sharing our stories with others. Finally, others suggest that a daily practice of meditation is the ideal route to an improved sense of well-being and happiness.)

Let’s look at each step in detail.

Step 1: Use Your Words Wisely

“Use your words wisely” means don’t weaponize your words against yourself. Don’t describe yourself in hurtful ways, inside your head or aloud—for example, by telling yourself you’re ugly, stupid, or a failure. When you do that, you accept those messages as truth and make those negative beliefs a part of your reality. It’s no wonder you’re not happy when you see yourself that way.

Instead, allow yourself to be as you are without judgment—nothing about you is inherently imperfect, even if you’ve been taught to believe otherwise. Don’t demand any more from yourself.

Don’t Internalize Self-Criticism

Therapists identify two primary types of self-criticism: comparative and internalized. For now, we’ll examine internalized self-criticism, which is based on a feeling that we don’t measure up to our own standards, ideals, or expectations. In short, we have a vision in mind of how we should be and we don’t measure up to it. As a result, we often feel we’ve failed even when we succeed—because we didn’t succeed “enough.” When we use our words wisely, as the Ruizes suggest, we don’t pigeonhole ourselves into a no-win scenario like that.

As the Toltec note, our habit of self-criticism is usually established during childhood—our parents expect certain things from us, and we “internalize” those expectations. Therapists suggest that this happens most when our parents are particularly authoritarian, controlling, or rigid. The more we’re judged and criticized, the more we learn to criticize ourselves.

It’s worth noting that self-criticism isn’t always unhealthy—used constructively, it can improve your self-awareness and help you grow as a person. Pinpointing where you’ve done wrong helps you learn from your mistakes. But constructive self-criticism generally identifies a particular behavior for improvement: “I stayed up too late last night; I need to adhere to my bedtime.” It focuses on actionable change to identifiable behavior.

Self-criticism becomes unhealthy, however, when it’s applied broadly, and we make nuance-less statements about our personhood. “I’m a failure,” “I never do anything right,” “I’m ugly.” As the Ruizes note, using our words in this way only hurts us. Therapists explain that describing ourselves like this prevents us from taking risks, defending our needs, or believing we’re capable. Be kind and forgiving to yourself—after all, you’re only human.

Treat Others Wisely

Step 2: Remember It’s Not About You

Ultimately, these assumptions can’t possibly reflect the truth of who you are because nobody has a clue what’s going on inside your head.

People Don’t Know You as Well as You’d Think

The naguals say we shouldn’t take it personally if others don’t see us for who we really are because, bluntly, nobody can. In fact, Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson, author of No One Understands You and What To Do About It explains that we think others know us better than they really do. We assume anyone can tell what we want, what we think, or what we mean—but that’s not the case at all. It’s possible for someone to get close, but it takes so much effort that most people won’t bother.

The mental picture others have of us, Dr. Halvorson says, is built by a two-part system of thought. “System one” thinking is automatic, hasty, and reflexive; people engage system one when they see a small slice of us and make a series of snap judgments. In contrast, “system two” requires conscious effort and focused intent; people engage system two when they deliberately put aside their snap judgments and get to know the real you.

Often, people don’t use system two at all: Unless they make an intentional effort to be open-minded, they go with their first impulse and leave it at that. Even those who make the effort are still missing a lot—they only see what you show them and they may not eliminate all their assumptions, biases, and filters. Take the perspectives of others with a grain of salt.

They’re Not Angry at You

Because most people don’t know the real you, if someone’s angry or frustrated because you didn’t do what they wanted, don’t blame yourself for it. According to the authors, people expect you to act in a way that conforms with their imaginary version of you—remember, they think their perception of you is real. If another person claims to want something from you, they really want it from the person they think you are. The real you isn’t obligated to do anything they want, to be what they want you to be, or to play along with their imagination. In short, it’s not your fault if you don’t live up to someone’s expectations.

Relatedly, the authors say, when someone mistreats or misunderstands you, don’t take it personally. When others lash out at you, they’re responding to a perceived offense in the reality they see—not yours. The people around you don’t act according to the reality you see—they act according to their own reality. Nothing they say or do happens because of you.

How to React to Demands and Attacks

The naguals don’t explain what to do when others blame or mistreat you—they just explain why you don’t need to take such attacks personally. In the heat of the moment, though, it can be difficult to know what to do, so here’s what therapists recommend: Maintain your composure and don’t overreact to the situation. Here’s how they suggest you do that:

Pause and take a deep breath. Instead of reacting immediately, slow the situation down to give yourself time to think. This interrupts the fight or flight response.

Recognize the other person’s perspective. Their opinion and perspective are real and important to them, but they don’t match your own. So, as the naguals say, don’t take their words personally—but accept that they feel the way they say they do.

Respond respectfully. You’re not obligated to do what the other person wants from you, and you don’t have to apologize for choosing not to fulfill their desires. However, you’re still responsible for your words—so don’t use them to strike back.

Step 3: Don’t Guess People’s Intentions

Guesswork Leads to Conflict and Stress

When we conflict with others, the naguals say, it’s often because we make assumptions and create unrealistic expectations. Parents and their children, for example, often argue because they live in different worlds—kids see a reality that doesn’t exist to their parents, and vice-versa. Both parties are stuck in their own subjective realities, and conflict results when they make assumptions about each other’s circumstances.

Further, we often stress ourselves out by creating imaginary scenarios. If your husband is late coming home from work, you may try to explain why. Maybe he’s been hurt, or he’s cheating on you. Whatever story you come up with, it only exists in your mind—but the fear, the anger, and the stress you feel are real. When he arrives and you realize nothing was wrong, your concerns feel silly—perhaps even shameful. It’s the assumptions that cause you pain, the authors say, so don’t assume.

Communicate Openly

Instead of making assumptions, the authors say, communicate openly with others. If you want to know why someone’s doing what they’re doing or you want someone to know why you’re doing what you’re doing, just talk to them. When you want something, communicate it clearly. According to the authors, open communication is the key to social happiness, since it’s the only way we can learn others’ realities and express our own. That’s important, the naguals say because sharing our joys and experiences with others elevates their meaning and impact.

How to Communicate Openly

In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain that when you communicate openly, you set a good example, encouraging openness and honesty in your relationships. Like the naguals, they emphasize transparency and reciprocity: Openly give others what you want them to give you. When you communicate your needs and expectations directly and in a nonthreatening manner, you make it easy for others to understand what you want without forcing them into conflict.

As you communicate your needs, desires, and thoughts with others:

Be brave and assertive. Don’t apologize for feeling what you feel; summon your courage and speak openly. You’re initiating the conversation because you feel your concerns are legitimate, even if the other person doesn’t seem to agree.

Focus your words on what you need or want. Use phrases like “I need,” “I feel,” and “I want.” For example: “I know your work is important, but I’ve been feeling lonely. I need more time and affection than you’ve been giving me lately, and when you put your work first I worry you don’t want me around as much as I want you.”

Use specific examples to illustrate your concerns. Be concrete; don’t force the other party to make assumptions—your goal is to avoid further misunderstandings.

Avoid blaming, judging, or accusing. The goal isn’t to make the other person feel inadequate—it’s to open a dialogue that improves the way you treat each other.

Time your discussion for when both parties are calm and collected. If the situation is already volatile, let it simmer down so you can have an honest, forthright discussion.

Step 4: Be the Best You Can, Without Comparing

Maintain a Growth Mindset

When we don’t succeed, we often punish ourselves—sometimes we spend years beating ourselves up for one mistake. But mistakes happen even when we try our best, the naguals say; they’re a sign that we’re growing. Don’t dwell on them—focus on getting better each day.

In Drive, Daniel H. Pink recommends maintaining a growth mindset. He explains that people with a growth mindset believe they have the potential to get better at anything they want to do. As a result, they see effort as the driver of improvement, focus on progress over results, and examine their failures for useful feedback. He points out that it’s not possible to achieve total, effortless mastery, no matter the skill. There’s always more to learn and new situations to apply your knowledge to, and improving isn’t easy.

As you practice changing the way you see your world, keep in mind that judgment and self-criticism are deeply ingrained habits. Changing your thinking is difficult, and it won’t happen overnight—so just do what you can each day. Take pride in incremental progress; improvement is success. Your capacity isn’t static: If you couldn’t succeed today, don’t take that to mean you never will!

Avoid Comparison

You won’t grow at the same rate as those around you, the naguals say, so don’t compare yourself to others. Their reality is different, as is their capacity, and focusing on the idea that you’re doing “better” or “worse” than they are will only harm you both. Holding yourself to an unrealistic standard is what makes you unhappy, and you’re not helping others by demanding they be “better” than they are. Each person’s best is unique to their needs, circumstances, and abilities.

(Shortform note: The type of social comparison the naguals recommend we avoid are those we use as vehicles for judgment—to denigrate ourselves or others. But not all social comparisons are negative: For example, an “upward” comparison, say between oneself and a role model could be a source of motivational inspiration. Similarly, a “downward” comparison, between yourself and someone less fortunate, can highlight opportunities to be generous or helpful. However, be careful: The more comparison you engage in, the more likely it is to damage your self-image.)

Step 5: Doubt Every Message

Once you arrive at the fifth step, you’ve done the hard work of reframing your beliefs and adjusting your worldview in a way that better serves your health and happiness. Now, you’re ready to move to the third stage of Toltec enlightenment—the freedom of control. In other words, since you’re no longer being controlled by beliefs you didn’t choose, it’s up to you to decide how to live. You have the freedom to choose the shape and tone of your subjective reality.

How do we make the most of this freedom? The naguals recommend avoiding:

Blindly accepting new beliefs
Making new assumptions
Taking messages at face value

Doubt Peoples’ Messages, but Respect Their Perspectives

It’s particularly important, the naguals note, to apply this principle to our interactions with other people. Respect the perspectives of others but doubt the messages they send. Allow others to express their perspective without judging or influencing them—but don’t blindly accept their expressed perspective as truth.

What others say is often a surface-level attempt to convey their true message—if we believe it, we risk accepting a falsehood or an obfuscation of the truth. Look past the subjective words they’re using to describe their reality and see what they’re really trying to communicate.

For example, “you’re lazy” might really mean, “I’m worried about you because you’re staying in bed a lot,” or, “I wish I could be as relaxed as you look,” or, simply, “I don’t like you.” You won’t see the true message unless you doubt the words, and if you’re caught up in the emotional turmoil of reacting to “you’re lazy,” you won't have the bandwidth to see clearly.

(Shortform note: The naguals don’t explain why people don’t just say what they mean, but it’s usually because they’re afraid to. It’s not always safe, acceptable, or wise to say exactly what we’re thinking or feeling, and it can be difficult to tell when it is and isn’t okay to be straightforward. Further, it’s risky to be open because doing so leaves us vulnerable to judgment and attack. As such, be compassionate: Most people aren’t “lying” to be malicious.)

How—and Why—to Respectfully Hear Stories You Doubt

There’s another practical application for the naguals’ “doubt, but respect” philosophy: learning from others. To learn from others, you must give them a safe space in which to express themselves—that’s what the naguals mean by “respect.” Conflicts and disagreements are opportunities to develop mutual understanding and build common ground—they are not wars you need to win.

You may disagree with the story another person tells—that is, you may doubt their words—but when you respond with hostility, try to shut them down, or tunnel in on “winning” the “argument,” you’re not respecting their story. Instead, in shutting them out or attacking them, you throw away the opportunity to learn, connect, teach, and even coexist. In short, that kind of behavior won’t lead you toward peace, freedom, or acceptance.

Instead of reacting strongly when you find a point of disagreement, don’t defend or attack; get curious:

Be willing to explain your perspective, but—more importantly—to hear theirs. Listen to the actual substance—the message—not just the headline of what they’re saying.

Ask them to elaborate: “What makes you say that?” “What makes you feel that way?”

Take note of areas where you do agree with each other, and remember you’re disagreeing with the perspective, not the existence of the person.

Frame your sentences as “I” statements, not “you” statements: “I’m finding it almost impossible to save money while paying my student loans,” not, “You boomers ruined the economy, and now I’ll never be able to afford a house!”

Stay open to the possibility that your perspective is flawed; you may not be right about everything you believe, and this might be the person who opens your eyes to something. Give them a chance to show you they’re struggling, too.

Finally, remember that having the conversation is a win. You don’t have to agree—it’s enough if even one of you got to see something you were blind to.

Like the naguals note, in the end, we get to choose what we believe—and so does everyone else. Don’t waste your energy trying to force a belief on someone else, and don’t feel obligated to accept a belief you don’t feel is right for you. Step 5 is about developing the ability to listen without hurting others or being hurt yourself—that’s a strength that will serve you well.

Exercise: Reframe Arguments With Toltec Wisdom

One way to implement the Toltec path to enlightenment is to reframe arguments. Take a moment to practice that skill here.

Think of the last argument you had with a friend, family member, or coworker. Briefly describe what happened, how you reacted, and how the other person reacted.
The first step of the Toltec path to enlightenment is “use your words wisely” (because our words dictate how we see reality). Read back over the description of your recent argument. Did the words you used paint anyone in a negative light? If so, rephrase your description to be more neutral and accurate. (For example, instead of saying, “My brother was such a jerk,” you might say, “My brother raised his voice.”)
In the third step, the authors remind us to communicate openly instead of trying to guess other people’s intentions. Write a brief note explaining your thoughts after your recent argument and asking the other person to clearly explain their thoughts. (For example, you might explain that you’re still upset, or that you’re worried the argument is part of an ongoing pattern in your relationship.)

Exercise: Practice Doubting Every Message

The fifth step of the Toltec path to enlightenment asks us to doubt every message we hear. Start by doubting just one message.

Think of the last time you heard something that made you feel bad about yourself. What was the message? (For example, an advertisement for a diet pill might send the message that your body isn’t good enough as it is.)
Who benefits from you believing that message? What do they gain from your belief? (For example, the company that makes the diet pill might get your money if they convince you that your body isn’t good enough.)
Thinking as objectively as you can—is that message true, or is it someone else’s skewed version of reality? (There are no right or wrong answers; what’s important is that you’re taking the time to think about it instead of accepting the message at face value.)