1-Page Summary

Introduction to the Four Tendencies

Gretchen Rubin is a writer interested in human nature and patterns in human behavior, what actions we take and why we take them. Why do some people who are strong performers at work find it hard to keep themselves accountable to diet or exercise? Why do others seem to find it easy to do whatever they put their mind to?

Rubin mulled this over and had an epiphany. She designed a simple personality test based on one question: how do you respond to expectations? From people’s answers to questions around this subject, she devised the Four Tendencies.

The Four Tendencies describe four different personality types based on response to expectations, both internal (the expectations you have for yourself) and external (the expectations other people have for you). Expectations are things we act on, or not. An example of an internal expectation would be, “I want to be a famous writer” or “I need to clean my room.” External expectations would be more like, “my boss needs this report by Friday,” or “my mother wants me to dress more modestly.”

According to Rubin’s research and system, these are the 4 tendencies: the Upholder, the Questioner, the Obliger, and the Rebel. The way each tendency generally responds to internal and external expectations is:

Because this is based on one simple consideration, everyone falls pretty squarely into one tendency. However, the Four Tendencies have some overlap, and can be illustrated this way:

fourtendencies-venn.png

As you can see from the diagram, each tendency has two “tips” of other tendencies -- Upholders can tip either Questioner or Obliger, and so on.

About Tendencies

People are certainly more complex than just how they respond to expectations, and Rubin’s 4 tendencies only cover the scope of how you respond to expectations.

Your tendency can’t be changed: it’s a part of your nature. All the tendencies have strengths and weaknesses, and no one tendency seems to be more successful or happier than the others. The happiest, most successful people are the ones who can learn to work with their tendency instead of against it. Any tendency can thrive in any career, given that they adapt the role to meet their strengths and weaknesses.

In this 1-page summary, we’ll cover the four tendencies at a high level, discussing each one’s strengths and weaknesses and how to interact with them. The full summary has far more detail on each tendency, tips on how to do better as your tendency, and strategies to interact with the tendency in different scenarios (your romantic partner, your children, your colleagues at work).

Upholders

Overview

Upholders readily respond to both external and internal expectations. They think expectations, in general, are important, and enjoy fulfilling both their own and others’. They appreciate balance between doing what other people expect of them and doing what they expect of themselves -- in the age of self-care, they’ve figured out how to take care of themselves without losing their productivity.

For example, if an upholder’s their boss asks them to stay late to finish a project and they know it’s important, they’ll stay (fulfilling external expectations); but if they happen to have an event they signed up for months ago and are excited about, they’ll most likely go to the lecture (fulfilling internal expectations), and work on the project later.

Strengths of Upholders

Upholders like schedules and routines, form habits easily, and don’t make feel pressured or trapped by expectations -- Upholders feel free, creative, and productive when they have expectations placed on them. If there’s an expectation, they’ll fulfill it; if expectations conflict with one another, Upholders will figure out what expectation is most important to them, and prioritize that one first (they’d probably still try to fulfill the other expectation, if possible).

Upholders are good self-preservationists, for the most part. They take care of themselves and have good habits. Being able to fulfill their internal expectations on their own means they often lead satisfied lives, finding ways to be productive in their work and careers without sacrificing their personal values or getting burnt out from doing too many things for other people and not enough for themselves.

Weaknesses of Upholders

Upholders sometimes follow the rules even when it’s better not to. Rubin (an Upholder herself) recounts waiting at a boat taxi stand that was clearly non-functioning when a taxi stand a few yards up the river was active, all because someone told her that’s the taxi stand she should wait at. In a related weakness, Upholders generally have good habits, but can rigidly keep the habit far after it’s necessary or good for them.

Upholders also aren’t very adaptable or flexible in their schedules and routines. Because they have no difficulty meeting expectations, when other people do have difficulty, Upholders can be disdainful, impatient, or rude.

Dealing with Upholders

At work, upholders make great colleagues and bosses because they believe expectations are important. However, occasionally an Upholder might need help prioritizing tasks and making priorities clear -- since all expectations are important to them, they might not get to the right things first.

Upholders also occasionally need help not meeting expectations, when a different balance of expectations would make them happier. When arguing with them, play to their values: acknowledge the rules or expectations they’re responding to, and make another priority more important than following that rule or meeting that expectation.

Questioners

Overview

Questioners readily respond to internal expectations, but not external expectations. They’re committed to logic, information, and efficiency, and refuse arbitrary, inefficient, or illogical expectations. The Questioner responds best to her own internal expectations because she’s already thought through these expectations and made sure they’re justified, achievable, and logical.

External expectations need to be justified -- once they are, the Questioner will view them as internal expectations and will have little trouble fulfilling them. For example, a Questioner might get a text from her husband asking her to pick up lunch meat on her way home. If that’s all the text says, the Questioner might not do it: her husband can pick up lunch meat if he really wants it, they have plenty of other food in the house. But if the husband texts that they need lunch meat because their daughter has two field trips that week and needs bagged lunches, the Questioner will do it: now it makes sense and has justification.

Strengths of Questioners

Once Questioners agree with the reasoning behind something, they’re self-directed and don’t need supervision. They meet justified expectations as easily as Upholders meet any expectations.

Questioners make great employees and partners because they want to improve any process they’re involved in to make it the most efficient and logical, and they do thorough and exhaustive research to make the best decisions possible. Questioners want to live in a world where everything makes sense and is as efficient as possible -- they question endlessly in pursuit of that world.

Weaknesses of Questioners

However, their refusal to meet expectations without reason can sometimes lead to trouble, particularly in school. Others often find their questions tiring and obstructive, and feel like they raise needless questions and refuse to respect authority.

And, because of their relentless research and desire to make the best decision, Questioners can also sometimes fall into analysis-paralysis, where they become incapable of making a decision based on how much research they’ve done.

Dealing with Questioners

If you get annoyed by hearing too many questions from Questioners, help restrict their questioning by setting limits, guidelines, and deadlines for decisions. Remind yourself that their questions aren’t confrontational -- Questioners need the answers they seek to do the work you want them to do.

Make sure to justify your own questions to Questioners, which will help them understand why you’re asking.

Questioner spouses have some difficulty in relationships. If your spouse is a Questioner, remember that the more justifications you give them, the more likely they’ll be to do what you need them to do -- asking them to do something is rarely enough to get them to do it.

Obligers

Overview

Obligers readily respond to external expectations, but not internal expectations. They meet deadlines and follow through for bosses, colleagues, spouses, and so on -- but if there are no external expectations, Obligers almost always fail to complete the task, no matter how important it is to them. Picture a high school track star who thrived when her team depended on her, but now finds it hard to run for her own sake, no matter how much she wants to.

Obligers are most likely to wish they were another tendency: since they are capable of meeting other people’s expectations without problem, they view their inability to meet internal expectations as laziness or self-sacrifice, and they often can’t figure out why they can’t meet internal expectations.

Strengths of Obligers

Obligers are the “rock of the world” -- everyone can depend on them. They’re most likely to contribute to home and work, and get along well with other tendencies. They keep the people around them very happy, for the most part.

Weaknesses of Obligers

Obligers simply cannot meet internal expectations unless they figure out sources of external accountability. If they don’t have any external accountability, they need to organize it for themselves.

Because Obligers expend so much energy fulfilling others’ expectations, they get easily burnt out. If they get too burnt out or the expectations are so high they can’t meet them, Obligers can go into Obliger-Rebellion mode, where they suddenly, without warning, refuse to meet any expectations: everything’s fine until it absolutely isn’t.

Dealing with Obligers

We know Obligers struggle with internal expectations, so if they request accountability, find a way to give it to them, because they need it.

Be wary of setting expectations for Obligers that are too high, or of accidentally setting expectations with offhand comments. They’ll strive to follow the expectation, when it may not be all that important.

Rebels

Overview

Rebels resist all expectations, internal and external -- they do what they want to do. They value choice, freedom, and self-expression or identity, and enjoy bucking convention and expectation.

Picture a Rebel who wants to write of her own spontaneous desire. She can do it without a problem. But then her friends say they love her work and suggest she get an agent and publish. Suddenly there are expectations - people expect her to do certain things. The Rebel’s internal conflict with expectations can cause her to purposely act counter to advice she receives, or to stop writing at all.

Strengths of Rebels

Rebels teach everyone else that we’re “freer than we think”: we can do what we want to, and the world will still turn. And Rebels with a cause can be incredibly useful -- they serve as the voice of dissent and an alternative to the status quo. (Shortform example: Most revolutionary leaders are probably Rebels: they take issue with the expectations of a particular power, and the more they’re told they’ll fail or that they shouldn’t fight, the harder they pursue their goal.)

Weaknesses of Rebels

But that characteristic can backfire, too: the harder you push a Rebel to do something, the harder they resist.

Because of this, Rebels are the most frustrating group to other people. They expect Rebels to “grow out of it,” “grow up,” or mature beyond their Rebel nature. But that’s just what it is -- their nature -- and it isn’t a phase they’ll grow out of, it’s the tendency they’ll have to learn to live with (and so will everyone else).

Dealing with Rebels

A good rule of thumb for dealing with Rebels is to present them with information, consequences, and choice, then step back. Give them the information they need to make an informed decision, the consequences they’ll suffer depending on what actions they take, and then the freedom to choose for themselves. They’ll feel better making their own decision, and it may be in the direction you would have suggested yourself.

What to Expect in the Full Summary

In the full summary, we go into more detail on each of the tendencies: we’ll identify your tendency and its variations, illuminate your strengths and weaknesses, and discuss each tendencies challenges or quirks and how best to deal with them. We’ll also help you identify the tendencies of major people in your life.

Then we’ll cover how the tendencies pair up together -- for example, why the Upholder-Upholder pair makes great colleagues but maybe not the best spouses, or why the Obliger-Rebel pairing can be an extremely difficult parent-child pair. Finally, we’ll discuss how to communicate more effectively with people from a different tendency.

Introduction: The Four Tendencies

Life is full of expectations, ones we have for ourselves and ones other people have for us. How do you respond to expectations? Do you fulfill them, or resist them? When, and why? Gretchen Rubin has developed a simple yet powerful personality test based on expectations that can change the way you get things done.

How Rubin Created the Four Tendencies

Gretchen Rubin is a writer interested in human nature and patterns in human behavior, what actions we take and why we take them. Over lunch one day, a friend of hers was complaining that she wanted to keep up her running habit, but she was finding it difficult to maintain. She used to be on the track team in high school, and had no problem running then. But now, as an adult, she couldn’t make herself go running.

Why did this happen? This conversation stuck in Rubin’s head, and the more Rubin thought about it, the more she begin to suspect that a bunch of habits people do or don’t have -- being able to run without a coach, or needing a trainer to get anything done at the gym; happily taking responsibility at work, or bucking under authority -- came down to a simple “bedrock distinction” that set people apart.

From this conversation, Rubin eventually designed a simple personality test based on one question: how do you respond to expectations? From people’s answers to questions around this subject, she devised the Four Tendencies.

The Four Tendencies

The Four Tendencies describe four different personality types based on response to expectations, both internal (the expectations you have for yourself) and external (the expectations other people have for you). Expectations are things we act on, or not. An example of an internal expectation would be, “I want to be a famous writer!” or “I need to clean my room.” External expectations would be more like, “My boss really needs this report by Friday,” or “My mother wants me to dress more modestly.”

There are 4 ways people meet expectations, and this determines their “tendency”: there are Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. The way each tendency generally responds to internal and external expectations is:

Of course, how each tendency responds to expectations affects what each tendency needs to take action:

Rubin also compares each tendency to a traffic light color:

Another example in the form of the lightbulb joke:

From Rubin’s research, the US population roughly breaks down like so:

There’ll be a quiz to determine your tendency at the end of this chapter, but you can start to think about what type you are with this example question: how do you feel about New Year’s resolutions?

A Simple System for Complex People

A lot of people, when they see this breakdown, think, “Oh, well, I’m a Questioner and a Rebel, I don’t fit squarely into one of these tendencies,” or “What tendency I am changes depending on the day or who I’m around.” Rubin would disagree: everyone in her experience falls squarely into one tendency.

However, the Four Tendencies fall into a Venn diagram like so:

fourtendencies-venn.png

Though everyone has a main tendency, each tendency has two “tips” -- someone can be an Upholder but with an Obliger tip, and so on. This does affect how you respond to expectations within your overarching tendency, but everyone still has an overarching tendency.

Remember, this is a simple system designed with one aspect of personality in mind. Other factors come into play and complicate the portrait of each tendency. Your specific, individual personality determines how you express your tendency, and those things can be at odds. But your tendency is still your tendency, regardless of how you express it.

And, of course, everyone has some part of all 4 tendencies in them. Obligers will question things at times; Upholders will rebel at times. Everyone meets expectations when the consequences really matter to us or someone very important to us. Everyone questions certain expectations. Everyone prefers being asked to do something instead of ordered.

What to Do With Tendencies

Once you find your tendency, it’s tempting to compare to the other tendencies and try to figure out whether you’d be better off as another one.

Rest assured -- there are no happier or more successful tendencies.very tendency has strengths and weaknesses. The happiest people are the ones who know their tendency, embrace it, and work with it to achieve the best results. The most miserable people are the ones who can’t identify their own tendency, or think they can change their own or someone else’s.

Tendencies and Careers

Should your tendency determine your career? Not necessarily. Any tendency can thrive in most any career, if they recognize their strengths and weaknesses in that role and adapt accordingly. For instance, people might assume that Rebels would make the best artists -- but an Upholder might actually perform better, fulfilling their own expectations with their art, but becoming successful because they can navigate other people’s expectations for them.

And a tendency that sounds great on paper for one role might come with difficulties. An Upholder sounds like a responsible person to grow a new business, but they may buckle under the flexibility required and the lack of hard rules on what to do.

Understanding Your Own Tendency

Obligers and Rebels are most likely to want to change their tendency -- these are the most challenging tendencies to deal with, both for the people in them and the people in other groups.

But you can’t change your tendency, and you don’t need to. Knowing your tendency can change the way you move through work, family life, and relationships.Once you know what spurs you to action, you know how to take action and can focus on changing your circumstances instead of changing your tendency.

Knowing Other People’s Tendency

And the benefits extend beyond knowing your personal tendency: knowing other people’s tendencies can help us be more tolerant, not take things personally, and have an easier time persuading others based on what works for them instead of what works for us.

For example, a Rebel child might respond better to being asked, “Do you feel like playing piano?” which allows them to make their own decision based on what they want, whereas an Upholder child will gladly practice when told it’s time to practice.

First, let’s identify your tendency with a quiz.

Chapter 1: Identifying Your Tendency

This chapter contains our adaptation of the quiz Gretchen Rubin offers in the book and on her website. When answering these questions, choose the answer that is most generally true for you: don’t look for exceptions to the rule or focus on one area of your life.

Keep track of your answers so you can score yourself at the end of the quiz. Questions 1-6 are multiple choice, and questions 7-13 are statements for you to agree or disagree with in regards to yourself.

Take the Quiz

1. Have you been able to keep a New Year’s resolution if no one else knew about it?

  1. Yes, I’m good at making and keeping resolutions, even if no one else knows about them.
  2. I can keep resolutions, but I don’t just make them on January 1 -- I make them whenever I need to.
  3. I give up my resolutions if there’s no one holding me accountable, so much so that I’ve stopped making them.
  4. No. I don’t like resolutions -- I don’t like to feel restricted.

2. How do you view commitments to yourself?

  1. I honor commitments to myself only if they make sense to do.
  2. If someone else is a part of the commitment, I’ll make it and keep it. Commitments to myself, I struggle with.
  3. I don’t like commitments -- I don’t like to feel trapped.
  4. I take commitments I make to myself as seriously as commitments I make to other people.

3. Everyone gets frustrated with themselves from time to time. What frustrates you about yourself?

  1. I require more information all the time, and it can be exhausting.
  2. As soon as someone asks me to do something, I don’t want to do it.
  3. I make time for other people, but can’t seem to make time for myself.
  4. I can’t relax about my habits or break the rules, even if I want to.

4. Think of the last time you introduced a new habit into your routine and stuck to it. What helped you stick to it?

  1. I find it easy to create habits and stick to them without help.
  2. I researched the habit thoroughly and formulated a specific way I could stick to it and why it was important to me.
  3. Someone held me accountable to stick to it.
  4. I don’t like routines -- I like to do things in the moment instead of planning them in advance.

5. If other people complain about your behavior, what would you be least surprised to hear them say?

  1. You stick to your routines and habits even when they inconvenience someone else.
  2. You ask too many questions.
  3. You don’t make time for yourself.
  4. You only do what you want, when you want.

6. What description do you most accurately fit into?

  1. I put others first.
  2. I’m disciplined, sometimes to a fault.
  3. I refuse to be bossed around by anyone.
  4. I ask the necessary questions.

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1. a=Upholder; b=Questioner; c=Obliger; d=Rebel

2. a=Questioner; b=Obliger; c=Rebel; d=Upholder

3. a=Questioner; b=Rebel; c=Obliger; d=Upholder

4. a=Upholder; b=Questioner; c=Obliger; d=Rebel

5. a=Upholder; b=Questioner; c=Obliger; d=Rebel

6. a=Obliger; b=Upholder; c=Rebel; d=Questioner

7. “Agree” suggests Rebel

8. “Agree” suggests Questioner

9. “Agree” suggests Obliger

10. “Agree” suggests Rebel

11. “Agree” suggests Obliger

12. “Agree” suggests Rebel

13. “Agree” suggests Questioner

Now that you’ve gone through all the questions, tally up your marks for every tendency to find which one you fit into. You may find that one tendency predominantly appears - this is your primary tendency. Then you may find that other tendencies appear at times - these are possible ways you tip.

If you get an equal number of tallies for two different tendencies, this doesn’t mean you’re a mix: choose the tendency that more accurately describes you. You know yourself best, so if you’ve been honest, the answer should make sense to you.

Exercise: Identifying Your Tendency

Sometimes who we think we are or who we’d like to be differs from who we actually are. Use this exercise to compare your expectations, record your results, and unveil your biases.

Chapter 2: Upholders

Now, we’ll go into detail on each of the four tendencies, breaking them down into:

We’ll also help you identify who in your life fits into each tendency, and how you can better communicate with them. Finally, we’ll wrap up the summary with a look at how the tendencies generally interact with one another, and how best to speak to someone else’s tendency.

Overview

Upholders readily respond to both external and internal expectations. They think expectations, in general, are important, and enjoy fulfilling both their own and others’. They find it easy to take action and follow-through, and have no problem forming habits. They like schedules, routines, and rules. They dislike making mistakes or letting themselves or others down.

If their boss asks them to stay late to finish a project and they know it’s important, they’ll stay (fulfilling external expectations); but if their boss last-minute asks them to stay late to finish a project and the Upholder has a lecture that evening that they signed up for months ago and are excited about, they’ll most likely go to the lecture, and work on the project later (fulfilling internal expectations).

Strengths and Weaknesses of Upholders

Strengths of Upholders

Upholders can rely on themselves, and others can rely on them. They’re independent and self-mastered: they meet deadlines, keep appointments, fulfill commitments, manage tasks.

Upholders follow rules, but break them for ethical reasons based on their own inner sense of justice. Expectations don’t make them feel pressured or trapped -- Upholders feel free, creative, and productive when they have expectations placed on them. They don’t need others to supervise or motivate them.

They rarely feel resentful about what they have to do, nor do they get burnt out easily -- this is because they can easily fulfill their internal expectations, so they don’t feel they’re just doing things for other people all the time. Upholders enjoy fulfilling expectations for others but won’t agree to do something they don’t want to and don’t need to do, which helps them avoid resentment. They balance doing what others need them to do with doing what they need to do for themselves, which prevents burnout.

Upholders can do well in the following careers: business owners, consultants, freelancers, or coaches -- anything where they’re in charge or have to do work on their own.

Some other positive ways to describe Upholders:

Weaknesses of Upholders

Upholders sometimes follow the rules even when it’s better not to. Rubin (an Upholder herself) recalls waiting at a boat taxi stand that was clearly non-functioning because someone told her that’s the taxi stand she should wait at, when a taxi stand a few yards up the river was active. No matter how many boats she saw at the other stand, Rubin continued to wait at the defunct stand.

All the tendencies assume everyone else functions like they do, and Upholders are no exception. However, because Upholders are so capable, their assumption that everyone is as capable in the exact same ways sometimes gets them in trouble. They can be disdainful, impatient, or rude when others don’t respond to expectations the same way they do.

They also avoid holding others accountable because they don’t have any sympathy for people who can’t meet expectations. They don’t like pressuring others because they don’t think they should have to -- they think everyone should be able to respond to expectations the way they do. Upholders have a lot to gain from learning about the other tendencies: they’ll save themselves a lot of annoyance by understanding how others function.

They have trouble delegating tasks because they get disappointed with other people’s results. Therefore, they’d rather just do the tasks themselves, which can cause them to take on more workload than really necessary.

Upholders aren’t very adaptable and don’t deal well with changes or last-minute adjustments. They keep their routines and like set schedules, and believe that if something last-minute comes up, it’s because someone else didn’t plan well enough. Last-minute changes interfere with Upholders because they either create new external expectations to add to their list, or they conflict with existing external or internal expectations that the Upholder has already committed to.

Upholders can get defensive if someone, like a Questioner, challenges why they do things. They do things because people expect them to, or because they expect themselves to. This is enough for an Upholder to take action.

Upholders will find it challenging to work in aggressive or overly creative fields, environments with continuously changing circumstances, or environments where rule-breaking is a positive trait.

Some other negative ways to describe Upholders:

Variations on the Upholder

The Upholder can tip Questioner (both meet inner expectations) or Obliger (both meet outer expectations).

Questioner Tip

Upholders with a Questioner tip don’t feel the need to justify themselves or their actions -- internal expectations are important to them. They tend to put more emphasis on internal expectations, meaning they’ll be more likely to fulfill what they want to do first, then what others need them to do.

These Upholders are more likely to question internal and external expectations to make sure they’re logical and justified. For example, an Upholder with a Questioner tip might have an easier time than Rubin with the boat taxi stands: once a Questioner tip realized the other stand was active, they’d have been more likely to change course, do the more logical thing, and go to the other stand, regardless of what someone told them.

They’re also more likely to reject social expectations, as these often don’t stem from efficiency or logic and might sometimes contradict their personal ethics.

Obliger Tip

Upholders with an Obliger tip will still meet internal expectations, but external expectations carry more weight with them. Upholders with an Obliger tip will still support themselves first -- but they’ll do it to be able to support others more efficiently. They feel more pressure to meet external expectations and might get a little less enjoyment out of it.

Because of this, they can sometimes have difficulty setting limits and boundaries, and may get burnt out meeting others’ expectations, which could cause them to snap suddenly and refuse to meet external expectations (Shortform note: More on this phenomenon in the chapter on Obligers).

The Upholder’s Challenge: Balancing Self-Preservation and “Tightening”

Self-Preservation

Upholders are good self-preservationists, for the most part. They take care of themselves and, because internal expectations are important to them, do the things they find enjoyable. They make time for both work and play.

Fulfilling their internal expectations protects them from experiencing resentment or burnout with external expectations. Upholders enjoy fulfilling expectations for others but won’t agree to do something they don’t want to and don’t need to do, which helps them avoid resentment. They balance doing what others need them to do with doing what they need to do for themselves, which prevents burnout. They want other people to take care of themselves the same way; in fact, they often expect others to take care of themselves the same way.

In fact, they’ll generally ignore others’ expectations if they’re in conflict with their own.

Their self-preservation means they generally have good habits. Habits are about mastering yourself, and as we know, Upholders have high levels of self-mastery. It’s generally letting themselves off the hook that makes them feel bad -- they feel best when they’re fulfilling expectations.

Tightening

However, where other people can start off strong with a good habit and then fall off the wagon, Upholders sometimes do the opposite. They’ll start a good habit and slowly, over time, become more and more rigid about the habit and less willing to give it up. Rubin calls this tightening.

This can even happen with habits that started out as good ones but no longer serve a purpose, and can start to feel at odds with an Upholder’s internal expectations.

Once Upholders become aware of this tendency to tighten, they can keep an eye out for warning signs:

To combat tightening, Upholders can make sure they know what they value about the habit and how the habit aligns with their internal expectations. This will help make sure their “productive” habits are also healthy habits.

Dealing with an Upholder

At work, upholders make great colleagues and bosses because they believe expectations are important. However, occasionally an Upholder might need help prioritizing tasks and making priorities clear -- since all expectations are important to them, they might not get to the right things first.

If an Upholder makes a mistake, they’ll be upset. “No one noticed” or “everyone makes mistakes” will not make them feel better. Remind them that they tried their hardest and that’s all anyone can do.

As spouses or children, Upholders are responsible, reliable, and invested in meeting expectations. However, avoid accidentally setting unnecessary expectations for them -- an offhand comment like, “You’d make a great coach/soccer player!” might wedge its way in their brain whether you were serious about it or not, and you might suddenly find yourself accommodating a very rigorous training schedule for an Upholder who’s just trying to fulfill expectations.

Upholders also occasionally need help not meeting expectations. When arguing with them, play to their values: acknowledge the rules or expectations they’re responding to, and make another priority more important than following that rule or meeting that expectation.

Remind them of their internal expectations and values, or help them clarify what those are.

Remember that Upholders work well with external expectations, so the other tendencies need to remind Upholders that:

Exercise: Understanding the Upholder in your Life

Use this exercise to identify an Upholder in your life and how you can communicate with them better. If this is your own tendency, skip this exercise.

Chapter 3: Questioners

Overview

Questioners readily respond to internal expectations, but not external expectations. They’re committed to logic, information, and efficiency, and refuse arbitrary, inefficient, or illogical expectations. They gather information, then make their own decisions and act with good reason. The Questioner responds best to her own internal expectations because she’s already thought through these expectations and made sure they’re justified, achievable, and logical.

External expectations need to be justified -- once they are, the Questioner will view them as internal expectations and will have little trouble fulfilling them. For example, a Questioner might receive a text from her husband asking her to pick up lunch meat on her way home. If that’s all the text says, the Questioner might not do it: her husband can pick up lunch meat if he really wants it, they have plenty of other food in the house. But if the husband texts that they need lunch meat because their daughter has two field trips that week and needs bagged lunches, the Questioner will do it: now it makes sense and has justification.

Strengths and Weaknesses of Questioners

Strengths of Questioners

As long as the expectation makes sense to them, they have the self-direction of an Upholder, the reliability of an Obliger, and the authenticity of a Rebel. Once Questioners decide to act, they follow-through without difficulty. If they don’t agree with an external expectation, they resist it without stress or guilt.

They make up their own minds and question every expectation to make sure it’s justified. They question the most widely accepted and basic assumptions, and can often create change for the better on both a small and large scale. They help themselves, others, and organizations act with as much justification as possible.

Because they value efficiency and logic, they want to improve any process they’re involved in (unless it’s perfect in their eyes -- which probably means they designed it themselves). Doing things the wrong way or a harder way is unacceptable in a Questioner’s mind, and they’ll work tirelessly to improve systems.

They do thorough and exhaustive research, and make well-considered decisions because of it. Because of this, Questioners also serve as resources for others, and enjoy sharing their knowledge.

Questioners do well in careers that are research or systems-heavy, such as auditors, municipal planners, and scientists.

Some other positive descriptions of Questioners:

Weaknesses of Questioners

Questioners’ refusal to meet expectations without reason can sometimes lead to trouble, particularly in school where students are expected to do things simply because the teachers ask them to. Others often find their questions tiring and obstructive, and feel like they raise needless questions and refuse to respect authority.

Questioners often view their own thought patterns as normal, and get frustrated when others don’t think the same way. They get annoyed when people fulfill expectations that seem illogical or unjustified, and they get annoyed when people get annoyed with their questions.

Constantly questioning everything can be exhausting for the Questioner themselves. Rarely is an answer ever good enough unless the Questioner comes to it on his own, which means the Questioner has to do a lot of heavy mental lifting to feel good enough about something to finally act on it. Some Questioners report wanting to be satisfied with basic answers, but needing more and more information to satisfy themselves.

And because of their extensive research and desire to make the best-considered decision, Questioners can sometimes fall into analysis-paralysis, where they become incapable of making a decision because they keep researching or the research doesn’t clearly point in one direction. We’ll discuss how to combat analysis-paralysis in a later section.

Careerwise, Questioners might be happy starting their own business so they can do things their own way, but if a Questioner easily falls into analysis-paralysis, they won’t be able to make the big decisions necessary to manage their own business. They also do poorly in work environments where people view questions as challenges to authority or insubordination.

Questioners can sometimes fall into crackpot tendencies if their research comes from unfounded sources, or if they make up their minds with information that seems justified but ultimately isn’t. For instance, Rubin suggests that most conspiracy theorists are Questioners.

Lastly, and somewhat ironically, Questioners don’t like being questioned themselves:

To summarize Questioner weaknesses:

Variations on the Questioner

The Questioner can tip Upholder or Rebel.

Upholder Tip

Questioners who tip Upholder generally accept social expectations and rules more easily.

Though their primary allegiance is still to their internal expectations, they’re more likely to fulfill external expectations as well.

(Shortform example: A Questioner with an Upholder tip will be more likely to go along to their spouse’s holiday office party, even if the Questioner doesn’t like socializing or doesn’t understand the point, simply because their spouse cares about it and expects them to go.)

Rebel Tip

Questioners who tip Rebel challenge all expectations with more ferocity. They also generally reject all expectations more often.

(Shortform example: On the other end, a Questioner who tips Rebel will probably openly question why their spouse or anyone else goes to the party at all, and has probably never gone to a holiday office party simply because someone else would like them to.)

The Questioner’s Challenge: Analysis-Paralysis and Meeting Unjustified Expectations

Analysis-Paralysis

As we already know, analysis-paralysis happens when a Questioner can’t come to a conclusion, becoming trapped in a paralysis where they can’t make a decision. Either they’ve done so much research that there seems to be no better answer so they aren’t sure how to pull the trigger, or they keep doing more research to see if they can get closer to the best answer in their minds.

Questioners and people around them can do a few things to help avoid analysis-paralysis:

Meeting Unjustified Expectations

Questioners also have trouble meeting any expectations they feel are unjustified -- but sometimes, in life, there are good reasons to do so.

Here are 3 tips for helping Questioners meet expectations they don’t want to.

1) It’s logical to meet expectations if someone else really cares about them or if you have a self-interest related to that person.

2) Focus on the second order of reason -- in other words, if something contradicts your Questioner need for justification, there might be a secondary reason that’s as important as making sure something’s justified.

3) Use this motto: do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do. Questioners want to be able to fulfill their internal expectations -- but sometimes external expectations are the wall they need to climb over to have an easier time doing what they want.

Dealing with a Questioner

At work, Questioners are very useful because they question the way things are done and want everything to be the most efficient it can be. However, they can get too wrapped up in their questions, or their questioning can come off as a lack of respect for authority.

Help them restrict their questioning by setting limits, guidelines, and deadlines for decisions. Remind yourself that their questions aren’t confrontational -- Questioners need the answers they seek to do the work you want them to do.

Make sure to justify your own questions to Questioners, which will help them understand why you’re asking.

Questioner spouses have some difficulty in relationships. If your spouse is a Questioner, remember that the more justifications you give them, the more likely they’ll be to do what you need them to do -- asking them to do something is rarely enough to get them to do it.

Questioner children have an even tougher time, specifically in childhood and school, since one of the common reasons in this time period is “Because I said so!” Remember, there’s nothing wrong with your child wanting answers for why they should do something. Remind them of the second order of reason if you run into something you need them to do that they don’t feel is justified.

Doctors specifically can have a hard time dealing with Questioners. Remember to give your Questioner patient all the information and justification for following your orders. Questioners will come with their own research: don’t dismiss it, even if it’s crackpot research -- address why that research is incorrect, giving them the information and justification to the contrary. They’ll also want to customize their treatment plan, so tell them exactly what they can and can’t customize, and why following the directions is important.

Exercise: Understanding the Questioner in your Life

Use this exercise to identify a Questioner in your life and how you can communicate with them better. If this is your own tendency, skip this exercise.

Chapter 4: Obligers

Overview

Obligers readily respond to external expectations, but not internal expectations. They meet deadlines and follow through for bosses, colleagues, spouses, and so on -- but don’t follow through on things they want to do for themselves. If there are no external expectations, Obligers almost always fail to complete the task, no matter how important it is to them. Obligers have to learn how to create outside accountability that works for them.

Obligers make up the largest tendency, for both men and women. Furthermore, Obligers are most likely to wish they were a different tendency. Rubin suggests this might be because the other tendencies cause others frustration but are generally satisfied with themselves, whereas Obligers cause themselves frustration: they beat themselves up about meeting others’ expectations but not their own.

Obligers often frequently misdiagnose their issues, as well: because they can meet external expectations easily, they assume that laziness or self-sacrifice causes them not to meet their own internal expectations. And it doesn’t help that other tendencies, who have an easier time doing what they want to do and resisting the expectations of others, tend to judge Obligers for their incapability to meet internal expectations.

Obligers have the most to gain from learning about their tendency and using it to their advantage. Once they can figure out how to create external accountability that works for them, they will find it much easier to start to do things for themselves and build a happier life.

Strengths and Weaknesses of Obligers

Strengths of Obligers

Obligers are the “rock of the world” -- everyone can depend on them. They’re most likely to contribute to home and work, aiming to keep their spouses, children, colleagues, and bosses happy and fulfilled. They make great leaders, team members, family, and friends because of their reliability and dedication to others. Out of all the tendencies, they usually get along with other tendencies the best.

When external expectations align with their internal expectations, they get to live their best lives.

They do well in almost any career, as long as it has external expectations, and do particularly well in some careers that require employees to continually go above and beyond, such as corporate law, social work, medicine, tech startups, and wealth management.

Some other positive ways to describe Obligers:

Weaknesses of Obligers

Obligers simply cannot meet internal expectations, for the most part. They need external accountability to get anything done, and if they don’t have any, they have to organize it for themselves. Similarly, Obligers have a hard time self-motivating, and often need coaches or groups to help them accomplish things for themselves.

Because Obligers consistently do what others ask of them, others often take advantage of this and ask more from Obligers than other people -- which can create resentment in Obligers while they still attempt to fulfill the expectations.

This is the difference between Upholders and Obligers: Upholders strike a balance between meeting their own internal expectations and meeting others’ external expectations. Upholders do a better job of taking care of themselves, and doing things they want to do, whereas Obligers can start to feel like the only people they’re taking care of are other people.

Sometimes Obligers view their close friends and family members as extensions of themselves, and this can get them in trouble in terms of internal and external expectations. If a husband views his wife as part of his inner self, she won’t be able to ask him to do anything as an external source with expectations. And context can change this, too: a mother puts her kids before herself as external sources, but puts work before her kids if push comes to shove.

Because Obligers expend so much energy fulfilling others’ expectations, they get easily burnt out. If they get too burnt out or the expectations are too high, Obligers can go into Obliger-Rebellion mode, where they suddenly, without warning, refuse to meet any expectations: everything’s fine until it absolutely isn’t.

Obligers who start their own business will do well with tasks like meeting deadlines and getting work done for clients, but they’ll have trouble networking or building their business, and can waste time on overly demanding clients.

Other negative ways to describe Obligers:

Variations on the Obliger

Obligers vary tremendously in how they respond to external expectations. For example, high-energy Obligers meet more expectations than low-energy Obligers. According to Rubin’s diagram, the Obliger can tip Upholder or Rebel.

Some obligers attach so easily to external expectations that they ultimately project expectations coming from other people and meet those. (These Obligers most likely tip Upholder.)

Other Obligers don’t worry about external expectations unless there are consequences or penalties attached -- they’ll do something more to avoid punishment than to fulfill expectations. (These Obligers most likely tip Rebel.)

Upholder Tip

Obligers who tip Upholder have a clearer sense of their own desires and more ability to say no to things they don’t want to do. Though they still have difficulty meeting their own internal expectations, they meet them more often and with less difficulty.

Rebel Tip

Obligers who tip Rebel dislike external expectations but still meet them, and get resentful about others having expectations for them. They often feel pushed around and respond negatively to anything that feels like coercion. They don’t like routines, schedules, or structure, and they’re more quick to experience burnout and Obliger-Rebellion.

The Obliger’s Challenge: Creating External Expectations and Avoiding Obliger-Rebellion

Obligers can fulfill external expectations, but fail to fulfill their own internal expectations, and this imbalance causes resentment. However, Obligers can use their dependence on external expectations to motivate them to fulfill their internal expectations.

Some Obligers respond well to light accountability: automated email reminders, highlighted unfinished to-dos, or technology like FitBits might be enough for them.

Other Obligers need other people to feel accountable to, and it can’t feel like the other people are doing a favor for the Obligers -- it has to really feel like someone expects them to do something. They can try a few different things:

Understanding and Protecting Against Obliger-Rebellion

As we said, Obligers sometimes feel exploited -- but that’s because they are. Think about it: if you know you needed something done, who would you ask -- the person who routinely says no, or the person who always agrees to do something?

Obligers can feel resentful because of the amount of expectations people put on them, and underappreciated because it seems like people just expect them to do what they ask. Then, because Obligers have difficulty delegating or saying no, they get burnt out. They don’t have self-protection systems: Obligers don’t protest against expectations they know are unfair until Obliger-Rebellion hits them, and that’s when they’ll suddenly quit without warning.

Because Obligers don’t think they should have to protest. Because they feel so much pressure to meet external expectations, they assume that others should realize the burden of external expectations. But the reality is no other tendency feels as much pressure to meet external expectations, so they don’t understand what Obligers go through.

Expectations that can trigger Obliger-Rebellion are:

Some Obligers can channel their Obliger-Rebellion into insignificant acts -- showing up a little late, apparently, is a common form of Obliger-Rebellion. But some Obligers completely self-sabotage in Obliger-Rebellion.

Health is a major area Rubin noticed Obligers doing this. She asserts it’s because society and individuals have a lot of external expectations surrounding health -- and a lot of the expectations go hand in hand with shame, guilt, or disapproval -- but the primary benefits to being healthy are internal. Obligers are less likely to take care of themselves and less likely to do the things they need to do to be healthy, because without external accountability it seems like the only person who will really suffer if they don’t take care of themselves is themselves.

Though it might not be handled correctly, Obliger-Rebellion is an Obliger attempting to protect themselves. Families, friends, colleagues, even doctors can help Obligers avoid Obliger-Rebellion by setting up systems that encourage them to say no more often, helping them delegate tasks, pushing them to make time for themselves (“You took care of the kids while I was away on business, so I expect you to take tonight to yourself and I’ll take the kids out for a movie.”), and encouraging them to take breaks.

Dealing with an Obliger

At work, Obligers make excellent colleagues, employees, and bosses, due to their unwavering responsibility to external expectations. But we know they struggle with internal expectations, so if they request accountability, find a way to give it to them, because they need it.

Obligers make great spouses, as they’ll always work to meet their partner’s expectations. If your spouse is an Obliger, try to be your spouse’s accountability partner to help them meet their internal expectations -- and if you can’t, help them figure out another way.

It’s especially important for parents to find helpful and encouraging ways to hold their Obliger children accountable, and parents must be watchful for burnout. Help your Obliger children identify their internal expectations and desires, and then help them set up external systems of accountability.

For doctors, Obliger patients need check-ins where it’s understood that their doctor expects them to fulfill certain expectations, and you can help them get healthier by tying their health to other people (“don’t you want to be around for your kids?”).

Be wary, in all three realms, of setting expectations for Obligers that are too high, or of accidentally setting expectations with offhand comments.

Exercise: Understanding the Obliger in your Life

Use this exercise to identify an Obliger in your life and how you can communicate with them better. If this is your own tendency, skip this exercise.

Chapter 5: Rebels

Overview

Rebels are the smallest tendency, with the fewest members. Rebels resist all expectations, internal and external -- they do what they want to do. Another way to think of this is the Rebel “motto” that Rubin gives: “It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.”

They value choice, freedom, and self-expression or identity, and enjoy bucking convention and expectation. Sometimes this resistance to expectations gets them in trouble though, and they make a choice that goes against their own self-interest or desires.

Shortform Example

A Rebel might want to be a writer, so she starts writing, no problem. But then her friends tell her they love her work and they’re sure she’ll go places. “Have you got an agent yet?” “When are you going to publish?” Suddenly there are expectations -- more than just her wanting to be a writer, people expect her to do certain things or accomplish certain things.

Best case scenario, she’ll keep writing but resist following all the conventional expectations such as getting an agent, or seeking to publish. Worst case scenario for a Rebel, the external validation and expectations will interfere with her ability to write, and suddenly she’ll find herself incapable of doing something she wants to do simply because other people have expectations, and now she does too.

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A simpler example: if a Rebel wakes up and feels like doing his laundry, he’ll do it. If a Rebel wakes up and feels like doing his laundry, but then his wife asks him to do the laundry, he probably won’t. If a Rebel tries to keep a to-do list and wakes up that day to “Do the laundry” written on the list, he probably won’t. In the first scenario, it was a whim, an off-the-cuff want. In the last 2 scenarios, there are expectations, either external in the form of his wife asking, or internal in the form of his own to-do list.

Strengths and Weaknesses of Rebels

Strengths of Rebels

Because they do what they want, Rebels are free from the pressures other tendencies succumb to in terms of expectations. They enjoy challenges if they can choose how to meet them, and do best when there are no expectations.

They revel in defying expectations: tell a Rebel she’ll never do something, and she’ll work hard to do that very thing to defy your expectation; tell a Rebel she’d be great at something and she should do it, she’ll deliberately avoid doing that thing to avoid fulfilling your expectation.

If it’s something they want to do, they work hard. Rebels with a cause can be incredibly useful -- they serve as the voice of dissent and an alternative to the status quo. Rebels teach everyone else that we’re “freer than we think”: we can do what we want to, and the world will still turn.

Because of their natural tendency to buck convention and expectations, Rebels can actually be very good at resisting harmful socially accepted habits, like smoking, drinking, and so on. And some Rebels are actually drawn to and thrive in highly regulated careers or environments, such as the military, the police force, the clergy, and so on -- either because they’ve realized too much freedom isn’t good for them, or because they like having so many rules to break and conventions to resist.

Careers that allow for individuality and value pushing the envelope can be a good fit for Rebels. For instance, academia is full of Rebels, particularly with tenure. Once they get tenure, Rebels have a secure job but one where they can, for the most part, do things their own way, on their own schedule, and still publish papers or make work that rebels against the existing research and carves a new path.

Some other positive ways to describe Rebels:

Weaknesses of Rebels

Rebels are the most frustrating group to other people. Rebels are perhaps the tendency that other people want to change the most -- they expect Rebels to “grow out of it,” “grow up,” or mature beyond their Rebel nature. But that’s just what it is -- their nature -- and it isn’t a phase they’ll grow out of, it’s the tendency they’ll have to learn to live with (and so will everyone else).

They resist doing anything they’re asked to do: if someone else has an expectation, they reject it. They resist anything that seems like an attempt to control their actions. The harder you push a Rebel, the harder they push back.

They want to do things on their own time, and frequently cause delays for other people. They also end up taking advantage of others: they know that if they don’t do it, someone else usually will.

But they frustrate themselves as well: Rebels are also second most likely to wish they had a different tendency. Demanding to be free is its own form of control. For example, Rebels refuse to let peer pressure sway their decisions -- but responding to peer pressure by doing the opposite is still allowing peer pressure to influence their actions.

Rebels don’t like schedules or calendars, and if something’s explicitly planned, they’ll often cancel. They avoid repetitive tasks unless there are serious consequences for not doing them. For example, a lot of Rebels use automatic bill pay and, if they can afford it, services that do routine tasks.

Rebels refuse labels, even accurate ones, and many find themselves changing jobs often to avoid being trapped in an identity. They’ll even contradict themselves to avoid feeling pigeonholed.

They don’t like systems where someone else decides what they do. Rubin found that many Rebels had only applied for one college -- they didn’t like the idea of multiple college admission boards deciding where they could and couldn’t go to school.

Even though Rebels are so averse to having others’ expectations or wills imposed on them, many Rebels will still impose their own will on others. For example, one Rebel wrote about herself: “I want other people to do what I want, just like I want me to be able to do what I want.” Most acts of Rebel resistance are imposing their will on others: an Upholder husband might want a family schedule, but his Rebel wife refuses to use it. This isn’t just a Rebel dictating how they live, but how others live as well.

Other negative ways to describe Rebels:

Variations on the Rebel

Rebels, like Obligers, vary greatly in how they express their Rebel nature. If a Rebel is more considerate, they’ll perhaps be less likely to take advantage of people or do their own thing at the expense of others. If a Rebel is more ambitious, they might be willing to put aside some of their resistance of expectations to achieve the goals they need to achieve to climb the ladder in their chosen field. If a Rebel is aggressive, their Rebel nature will be expressed more aggressively, and they could end up having a lot of difficulty with other people.

Based on Rubin’s diagram, the Rebel can tip Questioner or Obliger.

Questioner Tip

Rebels who tip Questioner will focus more on fulfilling their internal expectations than resisting external expectations. These Rebels actually enjoy working for themselves, as long as no one else gets their expectations involved. One Rebel commented that no one cared whether he went to the gym or not, so he went every day because he wanted to.

These Rebels, like their Questioner counterparts, most likely have good reasons for doing the things they want to do, so they might be more resistant to letting others’ expectations interfere with what they want to do for themselves.

Obliger Tip

Rebels who tip Obliger have an extreme difficulty with internal expectations and experience a lot of pushback against themselves over the things they want to do. Others’ approval of their internal goals makes them even less likely to fulfill them.

One Rebel recounted that he wanted to have healthier habits, and was trying to implement them. But he could feel his parents’ silent approval when he woke up earlier or ate healthier -- and even this silent approval of his actions, pride that their expectations for him were being fulfilled, made him not want to do the healthy habits he’d started.

The Rebel’s Challenge: Dealing with a Rebel

We’ve combined these two sections for the Rebel, because their ultimate challenge -- and everyone else’s challenge with them -- is figuring out how to deal with their tendency, and convincing them to meet expectations.

How Others Can Help Rebels Meet Expectations

In general, people around a Rebel must figure out how to avoid triggering their sense of opposition when you want them to do something. Rubin offers a few suggestions for how to do this:

A good general rule of thumb for Rebels (and everyone else) is to present them with information, consequences, and choice. Give them the information they need to make an informed decision, the consequences they’ll suffer depending on what actions they take, and then the freedom to choose for themselves.

Consequences are absolutely necessary for Rebels, but so is the aspect of choice. If you can give them these three things without nagging, lecturing, or micromanaging, chances are high the Rebel will make the right choice.

How Rebels Can Help Themselves Meet Expectations

First and foremost, Rebels can help themselves by remembering that they can do whatever they want to do, regardless of whether other people want them to do those things. When Rebels resist doing something they want to do because someone else expects it (or they expect it), they hurt themselves and go against their own values.

Because Rebels value identity and authenticity, they can incorporate habits that might otherwise go against a Rebel nature by aligning it with the idea of who they are. “This habit doesn’t lock me in, it permits me to be my authentic self” is a mantra Rebels might take up to ease their resistance.

Rebels can also use their rejection of labels to help them push against the Rebel identity: they can rebel against being a rebel.

Rebels can also use negative consequences to help shape their habits for the better. Though a Rebel might think traffic laws are stupid expectations, it’s better to use your turn signals than get hit by another driver, for instance. Or a Rebel might resist filing their taxes on time -- but filing taxes appropriately is much easier than dealing with the IRS.

Rebels can even impose negative consequences on themselves to reach their goals.

Exercise: Understanding the Rebel in your Life

Use this exercise to identify a Rebel in your life and how you can communicate with them better. If this is your own tendency, skip this exercise.

Exercise: Processing Your Tendency

Whether you knew your tendency or just discovered it, it helps to go through the ways this tendency presents itself in your life, and how you might already be working with or against it. Use this exercise to help you start the process.

Chapter 6: How the Tendencies Pair Up

Tendencies don’t doom a relationship of any kind -- work, marriage, or family -- but they don’t guarantee success either. Remember, your tendency as outlined here only defines how you respond expectations: people are much more complex than just their tendency.

But patterns do generally emerge when two people of the same or different tendencies are colleagues, spouses, or family.

(Shortform note: Every pairing is represented here, but your tendency might come second.)

Upholders with Upholders

According to Rubin’s research, this pairing is actually rare, perhaps because Upholders themselves are rare.

The Upholder-Upholder pair makes great colleagues and bosses because they’ll get their work done, don’t need supervision from each other, and want to fulfill each other’s expectations.

However, if Upholders pair up romantically with other Upholders, it might actually be an intense situation for other people. One woman in an Upholder-Upholder marriage wrote in that she and her husband are both coaches and are empathetic and caring with their clients and students -- but behind the scenes, they actually both feel a lot of judgment for people who need motivation, since they don’t need any themselves. Since neither have another tendency to offset the judgment or push against the Upholder characteristics, they sometimes reinforce each other’s less ideal behavior.

Upholders with Questioners

This is actually a common pairing -- Rubin, an Upholder herself, is married to a Questioner. This pairing makes successful coworkers, spouses, and families (though not without some struggle, as detailed below).

Questioners help Upholders resist external expectations, and Upholders make it easy for Questioners by meeting their expectations. Both tendencies meet internal expectations easily, which makes for happy individuals within any relationship.

But frustration can arise -- neither tendency likes being questioned as to why they do something, but the tendencies have opposite reasons for feeling that way: Upholders believe things should be done when someone expects them to be done, and Questioners feel that things should only be done when there’s good reason to do so. Since these reasons are opposite, this pairing will find themselves getting frustrated with each other.

Upholders with Obligers

This is generally a good pairing in any arena, cooperative and reliable with external expectations.

However, Upholders tend to judge Obligers harshly for their inability to meet internal expectations, and aren’t sympathetic to the pressure Obligers feel when external expectations are placed on them.

Obligers can often find Upholders selfish when they meet their own internal expectations without caring about the external consequences. (Shortform example: An Obliger feels external social pressure to go to a work party, but their Upholder spouse would rather spend the evening in, recharging, prioritizing internal expectations over external.)

Obligers can also get frustrated that their Upholder partners won’t provide accountability for them, while Upholders can feel uncomfortable that Obligers do things purely for the sake of other people and not for themselves.

Upholders with Rebels

This is a tough pair. Upholders don’t like breaking rules, while Rebels need to. Upholders want schedules, while Rebels resist them. Upholders push to get things done, while Rebels double-down in response to pushing.

This pair works best if it’s a relationship where neither has expectations for the other. For example, a Rebel roommate and an Upholder roommate might be appalled at the way each other live their lives, but as long as they don’t affect each other’s lives, they can live together fine.

This pair can also work if the Rebels have an identity strongly based on love and family -- two things that will keep them less resistant to Upholders’ expectations.

Questioners with Questioners

This pairing works because both partners understand the need for answers and reasons. But they can also struggle if both Questioners are prone to analysis-paralysis, and fall into a joint state of indecision.

One realm where the Questioner-Questioner relationship is very beneficial is in the form of a Questioner parent and a Questioner child. These parents understand the tendency. They won’t get annoyed by their children’s questions, and will work to give them the answers they’d want.

However, as we know, Questioners don’t like being questioned but continually question other people’s behavior, so this pair in any form can run into some difficulty with each other.

Questioners with Obligers

This pairing can work well because Obligers will meet Questioners’ expectations without question.

However, Obligers can also get frustrated with Questioners’ need for answers, specifically in a parent-child relationship, where the Obliger parent just needs the Questioner child to do something.

Questioners can also, similarly to Upholders, be judgemental of Obligers’ difficulties with meeting internal expectations.

Questioners with Rebels

Since both tendencies resist external expectations, this pair can work out all right.

But Questioners can get very frustrated with Rebels’ contrarian nature, especially if a Rebel resists something that is efficient and logical.

Rebels also don’t respond well to Questioners’ need for answers -- they’ll feel like they’re being pushed to fulfill an expectation, and will double-down and resist answering even more.

Obligers with Obligers

This pair will be very harmonious and cooperative, fulfilling external expectations with ease and trying to keep each other happy and satisfied. Obliger-Obliger pairings might actually feel extremely taken care of in this partnership -- Obligers often feel like no one does anything for them, but two Obligers will want to do things for each other.

But they will both struggle with internal expectations. Their Obliger tendencies might be a benefit here: if Obliger 1 feels like Obliger 2 expects to be held accountable, then Obliger 1 may be able to do that to fulfill the external expectation. But this pairing may also have to find accountability outside of the relationship.

Obligers with Rebels

Rubin discovered a pattern among Rebels: the ones in successful, long-term relationship were usually paired up with an Obliger. The other pairings didn’t work: Upholders view Rebels as irresponsible and impulsive, while Rebels feel Upholders are too rigid. Questioners also view Rebels as impulsive, while Rebels feel Questioners spend too much time thinking.

But Obligers sometimes benefit from and even enjoy Rebels’ refusal to meet expectations, since they have trouble meeting too many external expectations. Rebels can help Obligers feel that it’s okay to indulge and say no to things. Then, for Rebels, Obligers will pick up their slack since they enjoy fulfilling external expectations and doing things for other people.

However, this pairing can go south, and it’s a particularly difficult relationship for parents and children, in either configuration. Obligers will want Rebels to respond to external expectations, and Rebels will judge Obligers harshly for fulfilling them

Rebels with Rebels

This is another tough pairing. Rebel pairs can be, at best, two ships in the night, passing each other in pursuit of what they want to do individually; at worst, two Rebels can go to bat against each other if their identities clash or their wants differ.

If their natures, identities, and causes line up almost perfectly, it can work, and it can work if two Rebels build a life together that works for them.

Exercise: Pinpointing the Pairs

Watching two people interact varies drastically based on their tendencies, but every pairing has its high points and its low points. Use this exercise to think about how they interact.

Chapter 7: Communicating Effectively with Other Types

The best general rule of thumb is: let others do what works for them. As long as tasks are getting done, people should be allowed to do them however they want to do them.

When trying to persuade someone else to do something, most of us only consider what works for us, not what works for the other person. This only works if someone responds to the exact same things we do. None of the tendencies is shameful or problematic, and none of them is right or better. Whatever works for that tendency is fine. What “should” work for someone else isn’t a useful idea: finding what works for every person should be the goal.

Remember these general rules about the types and what they need to do things:

There’s no one-size-fits-all rule for persuading other people to do something, but the best advice is to use information, consequences, and choice with everyone. Why does this work? It provides what every tendency needs.

Keeping this information in mind is incredibly useful for professionals whose job requires others to cooperate, such as doctors and health professionals, teachers, managers, bosses, and so on.

Example: Tendencies in Practice

One profession who could benefit immensely from using this information is police officers.

Danger can unfold when police officers behave as though civilians should do whatever they tell them however they tell them. Imagine a Questioner being pulled over for reasons unknown to them. The officer walks up to the car and asks the Questioner to step out of the vehicle. The Questioner asks what the offense is. The police officer might take this as a challenge to his authority, when the Questioner is just trying to get all the information.

The situation can escalate from here, with the police officer doubling-down and refusing to give the Questioner answers (even though the Questioner has every right to know what they’re being pulled over for) and the Questioner can become more agitated the more the police officer pressures them with external and opaque expectations.

Public Pleas for Action

One interesting way the information about four tendencies is useful is in the creation of public signage and requests. Often, signs in public are asking us to do something, but they may or may not be asking in the most efficient manner.

Rubin offers an example of bathroom signage written by Obligers, for Obligers: “Treat this bathroom better than your bathroom at home. In an office environment, be respectful! Keep it clean for others, if not for yourself.” This line probably wouldn’t be effective with Rebels, for instance.

She observes that signs “Thank you for not smoking” or “Keep off the lawn” make Rebels, especially, want to break those rules, and leave Questioners dissatisfied with the why of the rule.

Rubin cites the information-consequences-choice rule as a great format for all public signage: it appeals to all the tendencies and will result in the most effective plea for action.

News programs and government agencies could also use this rule to great effectiveness. For example, if a city wants residents to evacuate for a storm, an evacuation request should address why it’s important to evacuate, cite similar previous storms and why this one is different (to offset the Questioner thought of “if the last big storm didn’t ruin my house, this one probably won’t either”), spell out the consequences if people choose not to evacuate, and then let people make their own decision (instead of ordering people to leave).

Questions for a Quick Evaluation of Tendency

In the appendix, Rubin offers some questions you can use to quickly identify someone’s tendency, whether you’re a boss interviewing for a position, a doctor intaking a new patient, a teacher trying to get to know a student, going on a first date with someone new, or just for fun at cocktail parties.

There are no set answers to these questions, so you’ll have to pay attention to the person’s reasoning when they answer. Listen to the language they use to respond. Remember that tendencies do overlap, and that someone’s tip can make it harder to guess their natural tendency. Remember also that sometimes, people will not be truthful in their answers -- this is where paying close attention to their language or reasoning comes into play.

If you took the quiz at the beginning, you’ll also notice these questions are repeats or different versions of some of the questions. The answers given here are general summaries of how the tendencies might answer, not verbatim responses that you should be looking for.

1) How do you feel about New Year’s resolutions?

2) Imagine there’s a No Cellphones sign where we are, and I pull out my phone and use it. How does that make you feel?

3) Would you ever sign up to take a free class? If you did and someone close to you told you it inconvenienced them (in a minor way) for you to take that class, how would you respond?

4) Can you remember a time when you changed a major habit?

5) Do you find it easy to complete your own to-do list? What about someone else’s?

Some surefire questions to identify the tendencies are:

Conclusion

Life is about taking action, and taking action requires us to analyze how we respond to both internal and external expectations. Our tendencies shape our perspectives and experiences. They shape what language we respond to, and what circumstances and environments we thrive in. Once we better understand our own tendencies and the tendencies of and others, we can start to make situations work for us, instead of trying to fit ourselves into situations that don’t work.

This information should be used to harness the strengths of your tendency and manage the weaknesses. As stated, no tendency is the happiest, no tendency is the most successful. The happiest and most successful people are the ones who’ve learned to navigate the pros and cons of their tendency, and who use their tendencies to their benefit. Rubin offers a quote from novelist John Gardner in this vein: “Every time you break the law, you pay, and every time you obey the law you pay.”