Do you struggle to make friends? Have you ever wanted to learn how to read people? If so, Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins’s The Like Switch can help. Schafer spent 22 years as a Special Agent in counter-intelligence, counter-terrorism, and behavioral analysis at the FBI. In The Like Switch, Schafer—with the help of Karlins, a management and organizational behavior expert—applies his experience earning the trust of witnesses, suspects, and spies to the art of making friends and fostering strong connections.
In our guide, we’ll explore how to:
We’ll also offer commentary on the research behind the psychological principles presented in the book and discuss some alternate perspectives on building friendships.
Schafer and Karlins discuss many strategies for building and maintaining relationships, especially friendships. However, before you can apply these strategies to make new friends, you’ll need to know whether someone is even open to a connection with you. You can do this by figuring out where a person falls on the authors’ “friend-foe continuum.” For clarity, we’ll call this the “friendship spectrum” in the rest of this guide.
On one end of the spectrum, you have friends—people with whom you have a positive connection and a good rapport. On the other end, you have enemies—people who don’t wish to form a connection with you or who wish you harm. Strangers fall in the middle. You don’t know enough about them to judge whether they’re a friend or an enemy.
(Shortform note: You likely already appreciate and depend on people who fall on the “friend” side of the friendship spectrum, as these are the people who make you feel happy, loved, and safe. However, studies show that you also need enemies to feel secure about your worldview. You’re more likely to believe that there’s order and stability in the world when you have someone to blame when bad things happen, meaning having enemies makes you feel safer.)
The authors argue that the brain can subconsciously decipher where someone will fall on the friendship spectrum. Studies show that your brain scans every environment you enter—and the people in it—and picks up on nonverbal signals that send messages about those people. Your brain then uses this information, without you realizing it, to assess who is and isn’t a threat. If you can become consciously aware of the cues that provide this information, you can easily and more actively determine who’s a good candidate for friendship.
Gendered Differences in the Ability to Read Nonverbal Cues
As Schafer and Karlins say, every person subconsciously evaluates the people around them through nonverbal cues. However, studies show that women are better at sending and picking up on nonverbal signals than men, especially facial expressions. In particular, women are better able to read emotional messages from nonverbal communication, lending credence to the myth of “women’s intuition”: the idea that women have an uncanny ability to discern other people’s thoughts and feelings.
Some research suggests this difference has a biological explanation—studies show that women have 14 to 16 active brain areas when assessing other people’s behavior, while men only have four to six active brain areas. This higher level of brain activity could be the key to women’s greater understanding of body language.
To consciously assess where strangers might fall on the friendship spectrum, you need to know how to translate the nonverbal cues your brain picks up on. In this section, we’ll discuss the authors’ advice for using nonverbal cues to identify potential friends, avoid potential enemies, and effectively communicate your openness to friendship.
There are many non-verbal ways we show others we’re open to a positive connection. According to Schafer and Karlins, the following behaviors communicate friendliness, confidence, and trust. If you see people displaying these cues, they’re willing to be your friend. You can also exhibit these behaviors yourself to invite new connections.
This is one of the most powerful ways to signal affection and openness. Furthermore, smiling people are seen as more attractive and more confident.
(Shortform note: The authors say that smiling generally shows others that you’re friendly, confident, and open to connection. However, smiles are arguably more nuanced than this: There are many different-looking types that we use for different purposes. For example, a smile intended to show genuine enjoyment “lights up” your face, suddenly engaging muscles around your lips, cheeks, and eyes at the same time. In contrast, a forced smile—the so-called “customer service smile”—lifts the corners of your mouth especially high and exposes an unnaturally large amount of teeth. This happens because your facial muscles have to work harder to fake a smile. Fake smiles also won’t engage the muscles around your eyes.)
Another cue that signals friendliness when greeting others is lifting your eyebrows and returning them to their resting position in a single, rapid movement. If someone doesn’t flash their eyebrows in greeting, we subconsciously perceive that person as someone to avoid.
(Shortform note: Psychologists, sociologists, and ethologists have studied the “eyebrow flash” for many years as a nonverbal signal that’s ubiquitous across the world. Most famously, one 1970s ethologist identified this nonverbal cue in more than a dozen cultures, including Japan, Samoa, Papua, France, South America, and Africa. The authors primarily discuss its use as a friendly form of greeting, but raising your eyebrows can also signal flirtation, agreement, surprise, disbelief, fear, and disapproval.)
This cue shows that you aren’t a threat. When you tilt your head and expose your neck, you leave your carotid artery vulnerable, displaying trust toward the other person.
(Shortform note: Tilting your head can be a great way to show potential friends that you’re caring and trustworthy. However, it may not always be advantageous in workplace communication, especially for women. Since tilting your head shows vulnerability, others may see it as a sign of submission, furthering stereotypes that women are more passive, collaborative, and nurturing. These stereotypes can make it difficult for women to be taken seriously in a work environment. When you need to appear powerful—for instance, when asking for a raise, giving a presentation, or advocating for your idea in a meeting—keep your head straight, as this position signals authority and confidence.)
You can use eye contact to nonverbally get people’s attention. If you don’t know someone very well but want to show interest, lock eyes with them for about a second, look away, then look back. You can also use eye contact to show that you’re actively listening.
(Shortform note: Eye contact can be a great way to connect with people, particularly in Western cultures where it’s a sign of respect, honesty, and care. Eye contact is not universally accepted as positive, however. For example, in Japanese and Navajo cultures, making eye contact with strangers, elders, and members of the opposite sex signals disrespect. Additionally, neurodivergent people, especially individuals on the autism spectrum, often struggle to make eye contact because it causes feelings of discomfort and anxiety. The next time someone struggles to look you in the eye, consider where their hesitation might be coming from—it may not be a place of disrespect.)
This communicates interest in the other person. Generally, people with good rapport orient their torsos toward each other during a conversation.
(Shortform note: The authors present leaning toward someone as indicating general interest in another person, but it can also be a sign of attraction, specifically. Leaning in closes the distance between you and the other person, indicating that you’re only thinking about each other. This behavior can result from two desires that signal attraction: You lean in because you want the other person to pay close attention to you or because you want to be more intimate with them.)
When you have a strong connection with someone, you naturally match their body language during your interactions. For example, if you lean against a wall or take a sip of your drink, a friend will repeat those actions unconsciously. If a person’s body language contrasts with yours, there’s some dissonance in the interaction.
(Shortform note: Have you ever wondered why you feel the urge to yawn when you see someone else do it? This phenomenon stems from the same behavioral processes that cause you to mirror your friends’ body language during conversations. The sight of someone yawning triggers the mirror neurons in your brain that activate when you imitate someone else’s behavior, so witnessing a yawn tells your brain that you should do it too. As social animals, humans naturally copy the behavior of others in order to fit in.)
Different kinds of casual touches, like a hug or a light touch on the arm, can be a great way to communicate affection and support in friendships. However, everyone’s personal boundaries are different, so be aware of negative reactions to touching that suggest discomfort or disapproval, like pulling away or stepping back.
(Shortform note: As Schafer and Karlins state, touch is an important means of connection between human beings. Most people are accustomed to a base level of platonic touch in their daily lives, like hugs and handshakes. Positive forms of touch like hugging, holding hands, and linking arms with loved ones calm stress responses, strengthen the immune system, regulate digestion, and improve the quality of sleep. Thus, lack of physical contact with other people can be detrimental to your mental and physical health. This led to public health concern over a widespread sense of loneliness and isolation during the Covid-19 pandemic lockdowns, as people who lived alone were starved of touch.)
Now that you’ve learned the cues you can use to spot friends, we’ll discuss the various ways people nonverbally communicate that they want others to stay away. The authors advise that we often display these cues without knowing it, even when we want to make friends. Learning what they are can therefore help you recognize if you’re unconsciously pushing people away, as well as helping you spot when others aren’t interested in being friends with you.
Both of these actions are perceived as aggressive and invasive, signaling to the other person that you pose a threat.
(Shortform note: If you often find yourself a victim of unwanted stares, there are a few actions you can take to stop the other person in their tracks. First, make eye contact and stare back until they notice. Often, if someone is looking at you out of curiosity, they’ll smile and look away, embarrassed that they were caught. If they continue staring, raise your eyebrow and frown to let them know you don’t appreciate it. Finally, if necessary, let them know verbally that they’re making you uncomfortable, or remove yourself from the situation.)
This signals contempt and disapproval toward a person’s words or actions. If you’re talking to someone and they roll their eyes, they disagree with what you have to say.
(Shortform note: Schafer and Karlins bring up eye-rolling in the context of interactions between adults. However, the most infamous type of eye roll is the teenage eye roll. Why do so many teens turn to this unproductive mode of communication? Like their adult counterparts, teenagers roll their eyes to signal disagreement and frustration toward their target. Eye-rolling is a way for them to dismiss the possibility of further discussion. Teenagers use this nonverbal cue so frequently because they’re going through a tumultuous period of developmental change. These changes leave them hypersensitive to criticism and anger, leading them to shut down in moments of conflict.)
If you display a tight jaw, a furrowed brow, and narrowed eyes, you’re communicating threatening messages. Often, we’re just tense about the stressors of our daily lives, but potential friends can easily misinterpret that as unfriendliness.
(Shortform note: No matter how hard you try to appear friendly, sometimes the stress of life will catch up with you and cause muscle tension, including in your facial muscles. When this happens, appearing unfriendly should be the least of your worries—tension in the face can also cause frequent headaches and discomfort. There are many techniques you can use when you need to relax those muscles and let go of the day’s worries. For example, try stretching your mouth into a wide smile, counting to five, then relaxing your facial muscles. Repeat this 10 times for the best results.)
This is a protective gesture that places a barrier between you and the other person. It signals anxiety and discomfort.
(Shortform note: Before you assume the negative meaning of someone’s crossed arms, consider the context of the situation: The gesture can also have meanings that are much more benign. People might cross their arms because they need a comfortable resting place for them, or because it’s cold outside and the arms bring extra warmth to the body’s core. Many people also cross their arms when they’re concentrating hard or critiquing something.)
We all desire a certain amount of empty space around us, and we want other people to respect this space. If people invade our boundaries, we perceive them as a threat. For example, imagine you’re standing on a nearly empty train platform, and another passenger approaches. Instead of standing a respectful distance away, they choose to stand right next to you, even though there’s plenty of space to spread out. This will most likely make you feel irritated and uncomfortable because your personal space has been violated.
Respect the Boundaries of Others
Everyone’s personal space boundaries will differ depending on their personality, their culture, and the context of the situation. In keeping with the authors’ advice to use nonverbal cues to gauge people’s interest in being your friend, you can learn and respect other people’s personal space boundaries by paying attention to their body language.
For example, if someone backs away from you, don’t move into the spot they just opened—they’re trying to make more space for themselves. Other ways people might show that you’re getting too close include touching their neck and holding a bag or other object close to their chest.
If someone is getting too close to you, hint to them that you need more space by saying something like, “It’s getting a little claustrophobic in here.” You can also be more direct if you feel it’s necessary or you’re comfortable being honest with the other person.
You’ve just learned how to read and display a collection of nonverbal cues that indicate your, and other people’s, receptiveness to friendship. What should you do next to move from signaling friendliness to actually building a friendship?
In this section, we’ll address four factors the authors claim are necessary for any budding friendship to succeed. We’ll also break down Schafer and Karlins’s advice on how to draw people to you and how to connect with new friends.
Schafer and Karlins argue that every friendship depends on four basic factors. Without them, your friendships will struggle to thrive, especially when they’re just starting out.
The first factor is seeing the other person in the same physical space over time, whether at work, school, or in a personal context. When you occupy the same space as someone else, you have the opportunity to develop a personal connection with them. Shared occupation of physical space also creates familiarity, making a person seem less threatening.
(Shortform note: Studies show that Schafer and Karlins’s emphasis on maintaining proximity in friendships is well-founded. Data suggests that the closer you live to someone, the more likely you’ll be friends with them—80 percent of an average person’s friends live within 600 miles of their home. Despite the widespread use of social media giving us the chance to connect with people anywhere in the world, regular in-person interaction with those near to us still provides the bedrock of friendships because we depend on verbal and nonverbal language to build the trust necessary for strong relationships.)
The second factor is how often you’re around each other. It’s not enough to be in the same space—you have to be in the same space frequently so that your potential friend gets used to your presence.
The third factor is the length of time you spend together. Whether positively or negatively, people have a greater effect on each other’s behavior the longer they associate with one another.
The fourth and final factor is the depth of your relationship. You can judge this based on how well you fulfill each other’s emotional and intellectual needs.
(Shortform note: Though Schafer and Karlins discuss the need for frequent, substantial time spent together to develop closeness in friendships, they don’t specify the amount of time needed to make this happen. You might think it depends on the individual, but studies have found that different stages of friendship can be predicted fairly universally based on hours spent together. According to their results, it takes between 40 and 60 hours spent together to develop an acquaintanceship, 80 to 100 hours to grow that into a friendship, and over 200 hours to become close friends. Therefore, to achieve the fourth factor of meeting each other’s emotional and intellectual needs, you’ll likely need to spend substantial time together.)
When you’re looking for potential friends, you may find it difficult to capture people’s attention. The authors describe a list of qualities that will better your chances of attracting new connections.
Inspiring curiosity. Have you ever noticed someone doing something in public that made you want to stop and ask them about it, like drawing a picture or filming a video? Curiosity naturally draws us to people. If you show off your unique hobbies, interests, and quirks, you’ll likely connect with people simply because they can’t resist finding out why you’re doing what you’re doing.
(Shortform note: Schafer and Karlins suggest you showcase a unique hobby or skill to make friends in the real world. You can do the same to attract dates using your profile picture in dating apps. According to experts, choosing a profile picture that inspires a sense of mystery and curiosity in potential matches will bring you success by enticing people to find out more about you. Maybe you’re a weekend woodworker, a film enthusiast, or an expert kayaker. Whatever hobby you choose to display, this picture will be your first impression on potential dates, so pick one that will inspire curious conversation openers.)
Being attractive. Schafer and Karlin argue that being attractive (according to society’s beauty standards) makes it easier to make friends. Attractiveness involves more than your basic physical features—the way you dress, the way you hold yourself, and how you act can also impact it. We attribute more positive qualities, like intelligence and honesty, to attractive people, so more people will want to be around you if you’re judged as such.
(Shortform note: As the authors assert, we often attribute positive traits, like good health, kindness, and intelligence, to conventionally good-looking people. However, being attractive also comes with some disadvantageous assumptions that can stall the development of interpersonal relationships. Being physically attractive may make people seem intimidating and unapproachable. Attractive people are also often unfairly judged as entitled, self-centered, and incompetent, traits that most of us would want to avoid in friends.)
Making people laugh. The funnier you are, the more likely you’ll attract friends. If you’re able to keep interactions lighthearted and relaxed with appropriate use of humor, people will find it easier to open up to you. Your relationships will then progress more quickly. Laughter also releases endorphins, which help people associate good feelings with your presence.
How to Make Others Happy With Your Laughter
Schafer and Karlins argue that humor can be a great way to bring people together and make yourself (and others) feel good. Gretchen Rubin argues the same in The Happiness Project. According to Rubin, laughter lowers blood pressure, decreases stress levels, and helps to soothe conflicts.
In addition to making other people happy by making them laugh, Rubin asserts that you can increase the happiness of others with your laughter. She states that you should always oblige when other people try to make you laugh: Making you laugh will make them feel good. Force laughter if you have to—the resulting positive feelings the other person experiences will reflect back to you and make you feel genuinely good in turn.
Having high self-esteem. When you’re confident in yourself, you’re more likely to find it easy to talk to others and share personal information. Sharing helps to build intimacy and rapport in relationships, so the more you’re able to do this, the more people will want to be your friend.
What to Do When You Struggle With Low Self-Esteem
It’s true that when you love and respect yourself, it’s much easier to build healthy relationships with others. However, many people struggle with their self-esteem. Here’s some advice to help you value and accept yourself.
First, when you make positive choices (such as exercising, eating healthy foods, or taking up a new hobby), don’t do so because you’re trying to make yourself appear “better” to others. Making changes because you think they’ll make you worthy of others’ love and acceptance won’t improve your self-esteem. Instead, make healthy choices from the perspective of loving and caring for yourself.
To combat low self-esteem, you also need to identify where it comes from. Maybe you were raised by highly critical parents or you experienced bullying in school. If you identify the source of your low self-esteem, you can learn to recognize that there’s nothing inherently wrong with you: Your circumstances merely conditioned you to believe that there is.
Finally, note that people with low self-esteem often attract people who reinforce their negative perception of themselves. Therefore, to avoid your self-esteem getting lower, regularly evaluate your current relationships for unhealthy patterns.
According to the authors, one of the easiest ways to start a new relationship is by finding common ground. When looking for friends, we’re not likely to seek out people who are substantially different from us—for example, people with opposing political views—because they introduce perspectives that conflict with our own. This leads to anxiousness, as it forces us to question what we believe to be true. To avoid these feelings, most of us seek out people who reinforce the beliefs and understandings we already hold. Common ground may take the form of common interests, common values, or common experiences.
Finding common interests with someone, like a shared interest in video games or reading, boosts your self-esteem. When someone likes the same things you do, you feel validated. The same goes for shared values. For example, you may forge a connection with someone based on your shared moral belief in veganism. This kind of connection reinforces your current worldview and thus your sense of comfort.
(Shortform note: Are you a superfan of anything? If so, then finding gatherings with other members of the fandom can be a great step toward finding people with the same interests and values as you. People from across the world gather at fan events, at conventions, and online to celebrate and commiserate over their favorite TV shows, sports teams, bands, books, games, and comics. Fandoms provide opportunities for people with common interests who might never otherwise meet to find acceptance and community with each other. Many fan communities also have huge collective power due to their shared values. For example, in 2020, fans of the K-Pop group BTS raised one million dollars in 24 hours for the Black Lives Matter movement through their social media-based efforts.)
Finally, you may find common ground through a shared experience, past or present. You and the other person will have a set of shared memories, associations, and understandings because the same environment or events shaped you. For example, maybe you grew up in the same town or you work at the same company. Sometimes, we even bond over shared painful experiences because we feel close to people who went through the same thing we did.
(Shortform note: Psychological research supports Schafer and Karlins’s assertion that painful experiences can provide common ground for friendships. Experiments involving undergraduate students revealed that performing painful tasks in a group setting increases cooperation and solidarity among group members. Groups that were given a task involving minor pain, like dunking their hand in cold water, reported a greater sense of loyalty toward their groupmates than groups that were given a neutral, non-painful task. This may explain why physically demanding experiences like boot camps and team sports help people to forge strong bonds.)
Common Ground vs. Self-Differentiation
In today’s world of increased polarization in politics and the media, it can feel impossible to maintain relationships with people who have opposing beliefs to yours. As Schafer and Karlins point out, most of us look for friends who affirm our belief systems, but this limits our opportunities for growth, compromise, and productive discussions with people who challenge us.
Luckily, there are ways you can combat this tendency in your relationships and become more comfortable around people who hold beliefs that are different from yours. One way is to understand and practice the psychological concept of differentiation of self. Self-differentiated individuals maintain a clear sense of their identity, thoughts, and emotions while in relationships with other people. They feel secure in their thoughts and emotions about a topic without feeling the need to control other people’s opinions on it. When you have a clear sense of your values and opinions separate from other people’s beliefs, you can feel comfortable disagreeing with people you care about because their beliefs don’t threaten yours.
In the last section, you learned tools for starting new friendships. In this section, we’ll teach you Schafer and Karlins’s methods for maintaining strong relationships by keeping new and old friends feeling valued and happy.
Most of the authors’ advice for maintaining positive relationships can be broken down into one simple rule: People like people who increase their sense of self-worth. If you do things for a person that contribute to their positive sense of self, they’ll associate good feelings with your presence, and they’ll want to be around you more.
(Shortform note: It may be true that people will like being around you if you make them feel good about themselves. However, the authors’ suggestion that you should keep your sole focus on making the other person happy could lead to a one-sided friendship if taken to the extreme. If your friend turns every conversation back to themselves or only wants to spend time with you when they need something, your relationship is probably one-sided. You should spend time and effort toward making your friends feel loved and happy, but it’s equally important to seek out people who reciprocate the support, attention, and care you offer them.)
There are many ways to make people feel good about themselves, and the authors outline several tried and tested methods.
Empathic responding is a type of communication that requires you to first notice how someone feels; then, speak to them in a way that shows you recognize the deeper emotional meaning behind their words and behaviors. The authors assert that responding to a friend empathically puts them at the center of the conversation, helping them feel understood and cared for.
Let’s look at an example. Say you have dinner plans with a friend. When she arrives at the restaurant, she’s clearly stressed about something. After you greet each other, you could respond empathically to her behavior by saying, “Looks like you had a long day.” This demonstrates that you recognize her stress signals and that you want to know more.
She tells you that she got in trouble with her boss today for missing a project deadline, but it wasn’t her fault. Your empathic response could be, “You’re frustrated because you got blamed for something that you couldn’t control.” With this response, you’re paraphrasing the basics of her situation, and you’re assigning a feeling to it (frustration) based on her reaction to the situation she presented. As this example demonstrates, empathic responding keeps the conversation going while validating and centering your friend’s experiences and emotions.
(Shortform note: Many other authors discuss the importance of empathetic communication in forming positive relationships. In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall B. Rosenberg offers an alternative way to empathically respond to others that uses questions to paraphrase the other person’s words instead of statements. For instance, in our example above, you could ask your friend, “Are you feeling frustrated because you got blamed for something you couldn’t control?” This still reflects her feelings, but it doesn’t presume you understood perfectly. According to Rosenberg, it’s important to check in frequently with the other person and not just assume your interpretations of their feelings are correct. The question format allows for this.)
The authors note that compliments can be a great tool in any friendship. They make people feel good about themselves by pointing out qualities you value in them and celebrating their achievements. However, compliments can often come off as insincere, especially when you don’t know a person very well. When used ineffectively, compliments may be mistaken for flattery, which suggests you want something in return for your kind words.
Schafer and Karlins offer a couple of workarounds that allow you to compliment people without them assuming you have an ulterior motive. First, you can send a compliment through a middle person. This involves complimenting your friend to someone you both know (someone who will tell your friend what you said). Your friend will still hear the nice thing you said about them, but it won’t seem artificial because it isn’t coming directly from you.
Second, you can make someone feel good by helping them to compliment themselves. Instead of paying a friend a direct compliment, make more generalized statements that highlight positive characteristics your friend can then realize they have.
For example, if a friend wears an outfit you like, a direct compliment might be, “That’s a really nice outfit. You have good fashion sense.” To instead help your friend compliment herself, you could say, “It takes an artistic eye to put such a fashionable outfit together.” In the second option, you’re setting your friend up to think, “Yes, I do have an artistic eye for fashion.” She compliments herself by applying the characteristics you identified—an artistic sensibility related to fashion sense—to her situation.
According to Schafer and Karlin, people readily take chances to self-compliment. Additionally, when the compliment is technically coming from themselves, people won’t assume insincerity.
How to Avoid Pitfalls When Indirect Compliments Aren’t Enough
Schafer and Karlins’s methods for complimenting friends indirectly may help you compliment people without appearing insincere. However, indirect compliments may not always work. For instance, if you ask a third person to pass on your compliment, there’s no way to guarantee they’ll appear sincere or accurately communicate what you said.
Likewise, making generalized positive statements won’t necessarily prompt a person to compliment themselves. If the person you’re trying to compliment has low self-esteem, they might disagree with you or fail to make the connection between themselves and the generalized positive traits you point out.
If you want to try direct compliments instead of the authors’ recommended strategies, here are some examples of pitfalls to avoid:
Ambiguous compliments. These are often given sincerely, but the wording makes it unclear if the compliment was actually an insult. Consider possible connotations associated with your word choice before you speak. For example, saying “That was mature of you” to an adult can come off as patronizing. It should go without saying that an adult is mature. To remove the patronizing connotation, you could say, “You handled that really well” instead.
Too-frequent compliments. If you compliment people too much, you’ll seem insincere, even if the feeling behind your compliments is genuine. Complimenting with little discernment also creates the expectation that you’ll offer praise all the time. Then, if you don’t give a compliment when people expect to hear one from you, they’ll assume something’s wrong (even if it isn’t).
Envious compliments. When you point out something you admire about a person that you also covet for yourself, you’ll seem envious and make your recipient uncomfortable as a result. An example of an envious compliment might be, “Wow, I wish I had a dress like that.” Instead of phrasing the compliment solely in terms of something you want, you could say, “That’s a beautiful dress. You have great taste! Where did you buy it?” This alternative still expresses your interest in acquiring something similar, but it also centers your compliment around the recipient’s positive qualities.
The authors argue that asking a friend for a small favor makes them feel helpful and contributes to their positive sense of self. They’ll associate these good feelings with you and like you more.
For example, you might ask a friend if you can borrow their copy of a book you’ve discussed. It’s a small ask, but fulfilling it could make your friend feel charitable, increase their sense of importance, and show that you care about your shared interests.
It’s important not to ask for too much, though. If people think that you’re trying to take advantage of them, those good feelings can sour quickly.
How to Frame Requests for Help
When you’re contemplating asking a friend for a favor, don’t just consider whether what you’re asking them for is reasonable—consider how you’re asking. First, don’t try too hard to get the other person to empathize with you. You want them to empathize enough that they agree to support you, but not so much that they want to avoid your problems because they’re too painful to get involved with.
Likewise, don’t apologize profusely or make disclaimers about how you’d never normally ask for help: This suggests that asking for the favor makes you miserable. Consequently, people won’t get much satisfaction from helping.
Finally, don’t frame your request as the other person owing you a favor. This approach makes your friendship seem transactional, and it makes you seem controlling.
In the last section, we discussed Schafer and Karlins’s methods for getting people to like you by building up their self-esteem. Another way to start and maintain strong friendships is by being a skilled conversationalist. In this section, you’ll learn the authors’ tips for keeping conversations balanced and pleasant for everyone involved. We’ll also discuss their advice on how to navigate nonverbal communication during conversations.
As with building a friendship, when starting conversations, it’s good to find common ground. Talk about topics you and the other participants all appreciate and understand. Additionally, bring up past topics of conversation if you’ve met before so you can continue to build your relationship based on existing rapport. The authors advise not to bring up topics that make people uncomfortable or cause controversy, as the resulting division of opinions may ruin new friendships.
How to Keep the Conversation Going
Even if, according to Schafer and Karlins’s guidelines, you’ve chosen an interesting, uncontroversial, and appropriate subject to talk about, it’s easy to run out of things to say during a conversation. This is especially true when it comes to conversations with new friends, as you don’t have an established rapport.
One way to prevent conversations from fizzling out is by asking open-ended follow-up questions that encourage the other person to keep sharing details about themselves. In The Fine Art of Small Talk, Debra Fine discusses several themes that make great follow-up questions:
Ask the other person to expand on anything they’ve mentioned so far in the conversation.
Ask them about what they’re wearing, especially any item with an insignia that suggests they’re a member of a group or society.
Ask them about their achievements and successes, particularly those that they’ve highlighted themselves.
Ask them about their relationship to the location or the event where you’ve met. What brought them there? Who else do they know there?
When a person tells you something personal about themselves, reciprocate by offering up details about yourself. Anytime we share personal information, we make ourselves vulnerable to the other person. Therefore, if someone has just shared something and you stay silent, you leave the level of vulnerability unbalanced. The other person might feel like the relationship is one-sided. At the same time, the authors advise that you don’t spend too much time talking about yourself or your problems. If you want people to like you, keep the conversation centered around the other person.
(Shortform note: As the authors suggest, reciprocating when someone shares information about themselves is an important part of friendship. For someone to be your friend, they have to get to know you, so friendship inevitably requires sharing and vulnerability. However, you can still be discerning when deciding what to share with whom. Some of your friends may know everything about you, and others may not—that’s okay. Don’t feel the need to share something vulnerable if you’re uncomfortable or if you don’t trust the other person with the same type of information they’ve entrusted to you. Instead, be honest and let them know you’d like to keep some things to yourself. Likewise, don’t press your friends for information they don’t want to share.)
The most important nonverbal cue you can give in a conversation is being an active listener. According to the authors, active listening involves really paying attention to what the other person’s saying, not just waiting quietly for your next chance to speak. It lets the other person know that you care about them and that you’re interested in their contributions to the conversation.
(Shortform note: One major difference between active listening and passive listening is the intention of the listener. When you’re actively listening, you’re trying to absorb the other person’s words as an active participant in the conversation. You’re consciously working toward understanding or problem-solving with the other person. In contrast, passive listeners are inattentive and unreceptive to new ideas. A passive listener’s opinion on a topic is likely already fixed, so they’re unwilling to consider another person’s perspective or find solutions to resolve conflicts. To be an active listener, wait your turn to speak, ask questions, and eliminate distractions that might take your attention away from the conversation.)
The authors suggest that nonverbal cues can also be a window into the other person’s thoughts. Observing these cues can help you ascertain how comfortable the other person is with you and how they feel about whatever you’re discussing. For example, if someone purses their lips, they likely disagree with what you’re saying. If they bite or press their lips together, that means they have something to say, but they’re either hesitant to speak or don’t want to reveal the information they’re thinking of.
Use Nonverbal Cues to Navigate Difficult Conversations
If you follow the authors’ advice, you’ll likely keep most conversations pleasant and positive. Their rule of avoiding controversial conversation topics should minimize moments of conflict, and picking up on nonverbal cues of disagreement can help you pivot away from prickly conversations. That being said, difficult conversations are inevitable in every established relationship, and nonverbal cues can help you navigate them when they’re unavoidable.
First, when you’re angry or upset with someone, try to keep those emotions out of your approach and your body language. Being the target of anger and disappointment can make a person defensive, and defensiveness can shut down further communication. Instead, approach the other person with compassion.
If you notice cues of discomfort or disagreement in the other person—like the lip cues mentioned by Schafer and Karlins—ask them to tell you which part of your statement made them react uncomfortably. By indicating that you’ve noticed their emotional cues, you show them that you still care about their emotions as well as your grievances. Identifying the other person’s emotional cues will also give them a chance to consider the reason behind their emotions, which can help you both move toward a productive solution to your conflict.
Even if you use all the authors’ advice for strong friendships and smooth conversations from the previous sections, you’ll still run into moments of conflict in your relationships. In this section, we’ll discuss Schafer and Karlins’s techniques for approaching conflict productively.
We’ve all faced anger from others at some point. In these moments, it can feel impossible to find a solution. Using Schafer and Karlins’s method for managing angry responses, you can quickly and productively move through a conflict. This can help keep your relationships healthy and respectful.
To start, don’t try to reason with someone who’s angry: Anger triggers the fight-or-flight response in us, which dampens our capacity for logical reasoning and makes reason-based arguments with an angry person unhelpful. Instead, let the angry person spend some time calming down.
(Shortform note: The fight-or-flight response is your body’s instinctive way of focusing all your energy on survival in the face of perceived danger. When an emotion like anger, anxiety, or even excitement triggers this response, several physiological processes occur. Your adrenal glands release a flood of stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol, throughout your body. Additionally, your brain redirects blood away from the gut toward the muscles, halting regular processes like digestion and preparing you for intense physical activity. Finally, your heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration increase, leading to a higher body temperature and excess perspiration.)
If you have to engage immediately, start by explaining the problem that caused the other person’s anger. For example, say you come home late from your community volleyball team’s weekly practice, and now your spouse is angry with you. The explanation could be that your team had to stay late to finish preparing for an upcoming game, and you didn’t call because you left your cell phone at home.
If your explanation doesn’t assuage the other person’s anger, try using empathic responding (discussed in an earlier section): Use empathic language to acknowledge the underlying reasons behind their anger. For example, you could say, “You’re angry with me because you didn’t know where I was, and that made you worried.” This response recognizes your spouse’s anger and shows an understanding of their other emotions.
Then, allow the other person to release their angry thoughts freely: Even if you acknowledge their feelings, they’ll likely still have something to say. For example, your spouse may want to complain about your inconsideration or list all the ways you could’ve still gotten in contact without your cell phone. When the angry person pauses, respond empathically again, showing them you understand their point of view. Continue this cycle of release and empathic responding until the angry person has run out of things to say.
Conclude the interaction by offering a resolution that suits both parties. For instance, you might promise to check you have your cell phone every time you leave for practice so the lack of communication doesn’t happen again. If the other person accepts your resolution, the conflict is over.
Additional Advice for Dealing With Angry People Safely
The authors' method for managing angry interactions assumes that the other person will eventually calm down enough to resolve things once you've explained yourself and behaved empathically. However, this isn't necessarily realistic or safe—sometimes, nothing you say or do can calm a person down.
Here are two strategies for managing a persistently angry situation:
1) Know when it’s time to step away. Sometimes, a person is too angry to have a productive conversation. If nothing you say seems to help, it’s an opportune time to use the authors’ advice to step away and give the angry person some time to cool off.
2) Prioritize your safety. When people feel angry, they sometimes lash out physically. Hopefully, you never feel unsafe around your friends no matter how angry they are—but if you do, remove yourself from the situation immediately.
Throughout this guide, we’ve discussed Schafer and Karlins’s techniques for making friends and building strong connections. Most of these techniques depend on your ability to read other people’s nonverbal cues in person, but in today’s world, many relationships are formed online. Relationships in virtual spaces have their own set of unique rules and challenges. With that in mind, in this section, we’ll discuss some basic facts about online friendships and the authors’ guidelines for how to enter them safely.
The authors identify three main factors that are unique to online relationships:
According to Schafer and Karlins, it’s easy to make friends online because it’s easy to find common interests. There are thousands of strangers online who watch the same shows as you, play the same sports as you, have the same hobbies as you, and so on, and they’re all right at your fingertips.
(Shortform note: You can use the internet to orchestrate in-person connections with people who share your interests. For example, the website Meetup allows you to find groups and events in your area centered around almost any topic, such as photography, gaming, yoga, hiking, reading, and writing. You’ll get the unique online benefit of finding like-minded people easily while also getting the benefits of real-world interaction.)
The authors note that online relationships often intensify quickly because the barrier of the screen makes people feel more comfortable sharing traits they’d normally hide. The relative anonymity means there’s less risk of embarrassment sharing things online than there is in person, and it’s easier to exit uncomfortable situations. If the other person says something that makes you feel uneasy, rejected, or offended, all you have to do is exit the webpage or the app to escape the situation: You don’t have to face backlash from the other person in real time.
To Ghost or Not to Ghost
A common phenomenon in online relationships is ghosting: cutting off contact with the other without saying goodbye or giving a reason why you’re ending the relationship. People ghost to avoid confrontation, reduce awkwardness, and escape toxic situations. As the authors point out, it’s much easier to cut people off online because the barrier of the screen reduces the chance of negative repercussions.
However, ghosting is often not the bravest or the kindest option when you need to end a relationship. It offers no closure, leaving the other person wondering what they did wrong. As long as you’re not compromising your safety, it’s better to be direct and communicate your choice to cut contact. The next time you want to end a relationship, romantic or platonic, try being honest—tell the other person why you want to move on (without being unkind).
Online relationships also come with unique dangers. The authors claim that without access to the nonverbal cues that let our brains know whether someone is a potential friend or enemy, it’s difficult to judge someone’s intentions. Additionally, though the internet offers more anonymity than in-person interactions, there’s always a chance that the things you post and write online may be accessible forever. This becomes a problem if you post information or photos that put you in a compromising position.
(Shortform note: The lack of nonverbal and emotional cues in online interactions has unique implications surrounding cyberbullying. Since we rely on nonverbal cues to interpret other people’s responses to our actions, bullies may underestimate the severity of the hurt they cause to their victims online. Likewise, cyberbullying prolongs the suffering of the victims because of its large audience and the permanence of online content. Reconsider before you post something meant to insult or make fun of someone, no matter how lighthearted your intentions—you never know how much pain you’re causing.)
The authors list several ways you can enter into online connections safely. First, until you have strong evidence that you're talking to the person you think you are, assume that they're fabricating at least some details about themselves. Many people lie about specific details like their age, weight, or occupation online, but some assume entirely false identities. You can’t know how honest someone you’ve met online is until you meet them in person.
In the meantime, collect evidence that the other person could be lying and evidence that they’re telling the truth. Over time, the distribution of the evidence should indicate their level of honesty. If you have a lot more evidence that suggests they’re lying to you, then you should end the relationship.
Finally, meet face to face in a public place or through a video chat early in the relationship. The only way to build lasting trust and rapport is by reading the other person’s nonverbal cues.
How to Avoid Getting Catfished
For proof of the lengths people will go to lie about their identity on the internet, we can look to MTV’s long-running reality show Catfish. In the show, documentary filmmaker Nev Schulman and various co-hosts travel across the United States helping people find out whether their online paramours are being truthful about their identities. More often than not, things aren’t as they seem, supporting Schafer and Karlins’s emphasis on the importance of meeting your online connections in person as soon as possible: It’s the only way to truly know if the other person is who they say they are.
Here are some of Schulman’s tips for how to form safe online relationships:
Ask to video chat. Like the authors, Schulman suggests this as a simple way to tell if someone is being truthful about who they are.
Reverse image search the photos the other person sends you to see if other online profiles are using the same photos. If multiple profiles are using the photos, it’s possible that the person you’re talking to isn’t the person in the pictures.
Search the other person’s phone number to see who it’s registered to. Likewise, send their email to see all the profiles that are connected to it. This can reveal if the person has given you their real name or if their online persona uses a fake identity.
Don’t send money or gifts to anyone unless you’ve met them in person.
You just learned all about the importance of nonverbal communication in forming friendships. Take a moment to practice interpreting and applying nonverbal cues in a hypothetical scenario.
Imagine you’re at a work-related party. You want to get to know a new hire in your department, but you haven’t had much chance to talk at work yet. You see her walk into the party, and you decide this is a good chance to try and get to know her a little. What are three nonverbal cues you could use to get her attention and show her that you’re interested in being her friend?
You got your coworker’s attention, and now you’re having a conversation. As she responds to your questions, she smiles, and she tilts her head to the side. What might these cues indicate about her willingness to be your friend?
You get onto the topic of your favorite places to eat in town, and you mention that you could never be a vegetarian. At this, she crosses her arms and leans back, breaking eye contact. Based on these cues, how does she feel about your statement?
You move on to a different conversation topic. She’s talking animatedly, and it’s obvious the subject interests her. What are two ways you could show that you’re interested in what she has to say?