Many of us don’t want to discuss shame or vulnerability. To deal with our problems, we want positive, straightforward “how-to” explanations that allow us to avoid vulnerability and that offer happiness, beauty, or joy. However, “how-to” explanations don’t work because they don’t address the causes of negative emotions.
In fact, today, people are lonelier, more obese, and more addicted than ever before because they opt to distract or numb themselves rather than address their insecurities or shame. For example, rather than dealing with the cause of their depression, many develop addictions to prescription drugs to “escape” their emotional trauma.
Our tendency toward numbing behaviors is the result of scarcity culture. Scarcity culture operates under the belief that we’re never “enough.” For example, when things go wrong, we often tell ourselves we’re not wealthy enough, strong enough, or happy enough.
This fear drives modern culture, infecting everything from political campaigns to the college admission process. For example, political candidates often offer dystopian views of the future under their opponent, stoking the fears of their base. Similarly, high school counselors often offer dystopian views of the future if students don’t get into the “best” college, stoking the fears of teenagers and their parents.
Scarcity culture can be subverted by wholehearted living. You can achieve wholehearted living by embracing vulnerability and accepting that you are worthy of love and belonging. Most people aren’t raised in a wholehearted way, leaving most to work toward the lifestyle on their own.
Because shame and scarcity culture have many ways of developing, wholehearted living requires constant reflection and self-care. Knowing yourself gives you insight, but actively taking care of yourself builds your self-worth. There are three aspects to wholehearted living: love, belonging, and vulnerability.
Love is a deep connection that operates on respect, affection, and kindness. It isn’t something that you can simply offer or receive, but requires cultivation and growth over time. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. If you don’t believe that you’re loveable, you will put up walls that will prevent others from developing sincere relationships with you.
Belonging is our intrinsic desire to be a part of something larger than ourselves. Often, we try to change our behavior to fit in based on other people’s expectations. However, this behavior is unfulfilling and creates more barriers to true belonging. True belonging requires that you share your authentic self with the world to connect with other people, linking your sense of belonging to self-acceptance.
Vulnerability is the willingness to show up and share your authentic self while knowing that you have no control over the outcome of your interactions. Vulnerability removes defensiveness, promotes empathy, and bolsters creativity. Many associate vulnerability with weakness and push people away out of fear of rejection or ridicule. However, you can’t experience wholeheartedness without it.
Shame is insecurity that attaches to self-identity and gets in the way of action or vulnerability. It causes people to believe that they’re unworthy or unloveable. For example, if you feel shame about the way you look, and someone rejects you romantically, you may believe that you’re not “attractive enough,” diminishing your self-worth in the process.
Shame relies on people believing that their experience with insecurity is unrelatable, creating a sense of loneliness. Though shame feels isolating, everyone experiences it (with the exception of severe psychopaths). While no one wants to share their insecurities, talking about shame is the only way to diminish its power because, once you know that you’re not alone, shame loses its leverage.
Shame often develops in childhood and lingers throughout adulthood. The roots of shame are often built at home or at school and are frequently a result of interactions with authority figures such as teachers or parents. For example, if a teacher calls a student “stupid” in front of the class for forgetting to put their name on their paper, that student may develop shame around their intelligence.
In addition to teachers and parents, negative interactions with siblings often cause shame. Siblings know each other’s triggers and often abuse that knowledge through name-calling, physical abuse, and other cruel practices. These may occur during fights and are usually outlets for unrelated anger.
Shame triggers are topics that evoke emotional responses based on your insecurities. These triggers are often developed in childhood but carry on into adulthood. For example, if you were raised to believe that laziness is unacceptable, you may view taking breaks or getting sick as unacceptable because they keep you from working. This may cause you to make unhealthy decisions and overwork yourself to avoid your shame.
Unfortunately, shame is a part of life. There isn’t a way to eradicate it, but you can deal with it healthily:
First, understand that self-worth has no prerequisites. You don’t have to do anything to be “worthy” of love and belonging. If you feel you have to prove yourself, you’re allowing your shame to dictate your behavior.
Second, when bad things happen, don’t allow them to dictate your self-worth. Don’t allow your guilt or humiliation to turn into shame. Instead of saying, “I’m a bad person,” tell yourself, “I made a bad decision, and I’m working to fix it.”
Third, accountability is important, but never at the cost of shaming. This applies to how you treat yourself as well as how you treat others.
Fourth, practice shame resilience. Shame resilience is the ability to recognize and discuss shame. There are four keys to shame resilience:
Empathy is the ability to see the world as others see it and understand another person’s feelings. Shame can’t grow in an environment of empathy because understanding eradicates insecurity.
Empathy isn’t the default for most people because it can be challenging or uncomfortable. It requires setting your personal perspective or problems aside and meeting someone at their current emotional level. There are two key elements to empathy: perspective-taking and nonjudgmental understanding.
Wholehearted living requires active engagement and constant reflection. There are 10 practices that you can use to begin living wholeheartedly.
Authenticity is the process of accepting ourselves for who we really are and abandoning the idea of who we think we’re supposed to be. By placing value on your own needs and identity, authenticity helps develop your sense of self-worth.
To begin living authentically, consider the following tips:
Perfectionism, or the overwhelming need to be “perfect” in everything, is a key cause of shame. Self-compassion is the antidote to perfectionism because it allows you to learn from your mistakes without connecting them to your self-worth. There are three aspects of self-compassion:
Resilience is your ability to recover from stress or trauma. A high level of resilience means that you can recover quickly from trauma and move forward, while a low level of resilience means that you recover slowly or shut down in moments of extreme stress.
To develop high levels of resilience, practice the following:
1. Congruent living: Take the time to relax and replenish your energy by practicing congruent living, or living life based on how you’re naturally built. Know what your body needs to recover, and find the time to engage with those practices. For example, if you know you need to take 45 minutes of alone time before bed to wind down, schedule that time into your day.
2. Spirituality: Spirituality is the belief that all people are connected by something greater than themselves. This allows people to lift some of the burdens of life from their own shoulders, and give them to a higher power. This also creates purpose and perspective, generating empathy and drive in the process. (Note: Spirituality isn’t inherently linked to organized religion. Though some people may find their spirituality through religions such as Islam, Christianity, or Judaism, spirituality can also be a personal perspective.)
3. Healthy venting: Venting is important. It lets you feel your emotions and allows you to express the severity of your current situation. When venting, you don’t have to lie about your feelings, even if they’re unpopular or uncomfortable. However, be sure to maintain some perspective when venting. Don’t compare your feelings or situation to others’ because you don’t know what other people are going through.
Foreboding joy is the feeling of apprehension that develops when things are going well. For example, if you have kids, and you go out with your significant other for the night, foreboding joy would be spending the entire date night worrying about your children with the babysitter instead of enjoying your time with your partner.
However, foreboding joy doesn’t accomplish anything. No amount of preparation can lessen the impact of tragedy or disappointment, meaning that apprehension squanders positive emotions without providing any benefit. Don’t sacrifice your joy in the moment to fear for an unknown eventuality you have no control over.
With this in mind, how do the most joyful people avoid succumbing to fear? They practice gratitude. Gratitude doesn’t happen on its own. It requires attention and engagement. A few methods to practice gratitude include keeping a gratitude journal, talking about your gratitude with others, and finding joy in the “mundane.”
Intuition is personal insight commonly described as a “gut instinct.” This feeling develops through experience and helps shape your perspective on the world. Intuition is directly tied to authenticity as it represents your subconscious response to the world around you.
To start listening to your intuition, you must first accept that certainty isn’t real. The world is constantly changing, and no one can predict the future. Learning to sit with the uncertainty and allowing your instincts to guide your decision-making process often leads to clarity and fulfillment.
Faith is an important aspect of embracing uncertainty. It gives you the courage to walk into the unknown while believing in something greater than yourself. Similar to spirituality, faith doesn’t have to be associated with religion. While it may be the source of faith for others, you can have faith without having to subscribe to organized religion.
Creativity is essential to wholehearted living, acting as an outlet for emotional expression and a generator for innovation. Many scoff at art, calling it self-indulgent or childish. However, unused creativity often transforms into pent-up, negative emotions such as guilt, rage, or judgment.
Everyone has the capacity to be creative. However, many people experience shame surrounding art at a young age, leading them to abandon their creative pursuits early on. In fact, because art requires immense vulnerability—often in a public setting—creativity is one of the most common shame triggers.
If you’ve lost touch with your creativity, consider the following:
Most adults struggle with the concepts of play and rest because of the stigma of “laziness.” Particularly in American culture (where work and identity are often linked), exhaustion in the name of productivity has become a “badge of honor” for many. For example, if you worked until midnight on a project and only slept for three hours, you may share that information with your colleagues as a point of pride.
However, research has shown that play and rest are essential parts of wholehearted living and lead to higher rates of productivity than overworking:
Play: Play helps alleviate stress and generate joy as you allow yourself to get lost in an activity without stakes. Few adults willingly engage in play out of fear of being viewed as “childish.” However, a lack of play is directly related to increased levels of depression and aggression. There are three properties of play:
Rest: Many adults are in “sleep debt,” meaning they’ve gone more than two consecutive nights with less than seven hours of sleep. This can lead to a series of issues, putting you at risk for human-error tragedies, cancer, and diabetes. To embrace rest, accept that you are allowed to pause and relax for your well-being. Your value as a human being isn’t attached to exhaustion or productivity.
Anxiety can quickly take over your life if you don’t actively fight against it, especially when it’s caused by a shame trigger. In addition to the personal stress anxiety can cause, it quickly spreads to the people around you, causing tension to quickly rise. For example, if someone walks into a meeting carrying anxious energy, that energy can easily spread to the rest of the room, making the meeting less effective and more stressful.
Address your anxiety by finding the source of your stress. This will lead to one of two realizations:
Meaningful work is any work that you’re passionate about. While some people have the privilege of making money doing the thing they love, most people have to find this work outside of their careers. This could be through volunteering, finding a hobby, or joining local organizations. For example, if you love performing, you could participate in a local choir or community theater.
The first step to engaging in meaningful work is to let go of expectations, especially around money. If something is meaningful to you, then it’s important. You don’t have to make money doing it. While financial factors may keep you from investing all of your time into your passions, finding some time for meaningful work will provide fulfillment and purpose.
Laughing, singing, or dancing around other people requires immense vulnerability but also breaks down barriers, creates belonging, and offers a sense of freedom. Unfortunately, shame around these activities often leads people to silence themselves as they try to fit into a mold that others have built for them—a restrictive and unhealthy behavior.
For example, if someone’s at a concert and wants to sing along with the artist, but someone told them that they should never sing, they’ll likely stay silent, falling victim to their inhibitions and shame.
To release yourself from your inhibitions, embrace “goofiness.” Sing with your loved ones. Dance in your living room. Laugh with your friends. Don’t allow societal demands to limit your joy.
Wholeheartedness is something you will always work on. As you begin to implement these practices into your life, keep the following in mind:
Many of us don’t want to discuss shame or vulnerability. To deal with our problems, we want positive, straightforward “how-to” explanations that offer happiness, beauty, or joy that don’t require vulnerability. However, “how-to” explanations don’t work because they don’t address the causes of negative emotions.
In fact, today, people are lonelier, more obese, and more addicted than ever before because they opt to distract or numb themselves rather than address their insecurities or shame. For example, rather than dealing with the cause of their depression, many develop addictions to prescription drugs to “escape” their emotional trauma.
(Shortform note: The Power of Vulnerability is presented over the course of six, hour-long lectures given by Brené Brown. For this summary, “Part 1” covers information from the first four lectures, while “Part 2” covers information from the final two lectures.)
Our tendency toward numbing behaviors is the result of scarcity culture. Scarcity culture operates under the belief that we’re never “enough.” For example, when things go wrong, we often tell ourselves we’re not wealthy enough, strong enough, or happy enough. This belief stems from three qualities:
For example, if you were recently promoted, you may feel joy and satisfaction surrounding your accomplishment. However, if a good friend gets promoted to a higher position than yours or starts making more money than you do, your promotion may seem less valid (comparison), leading you to believe that you’re not good enough (shame). If this feeling continues for long enough, you may give up altogether, as you believe you’re never going to be as successful as you want to be (disengagement).
Scarcity culture rose to prominence after 9/11 and developed because of recurring societal trauma in the form of war, political dissonance, and economic hardship. These events led many to dissociate from their emotions and develop a need to be constantly exceptional to prove their worth, especially as the idea that everything could end or go wrong in an instant loomed over their heads.
Fear drives modern culture, infecting everything from political campaigns to the college admission process. For example, political candidates often offer dystopian views of the future under their opponent, stoking the fears of their base. Similarly, high school counselors often offer dystopian views of the future if students don’t get into the “best” college, stoking the fears of teenagers and their parents.
Scarcity culture can be subverted by wholehearted living. Wholehearted living is achieved by embracing vulnerability and accepting that you are worthy of love and belonging. Most people aren’t raised in a wholehearted way, leaving most to work toward the lifestyle on their own.
Because shame and scarcity culture have many ways of developing, wholehearted living requires constant reflection and self-care. Knowing yourself gives you insight, but taking care of yourself builds your self-worth.
There are three aspects to wholehearted living: love, belonging, and vulnerability.
Love is a deep connection that operates on respect, affection, and kindness. It isn’t something that you can simply offer or receive, but it requires cultivation and growth over time. It occurs when you allow your most vulnerable self to be seen, developing a truthful relationship in the process.
You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. If you don’t believe that you’re loveable, you will put up walls that will prevent others from developing sincere relationships with you. The root of self-loathing is shame, and, if you allow it to dictate your life, you won’t have the capacity to love or be loved.
Love removes the pressure of adhering to cultural and societal demands. It allows you to live your most authentic life with someone who values you for who you are, not who they expect you to be, removing shame in the process. With shame out of the equation, scarcity culture can’t survive because it no longer has a method of controlling your behavior.
Parenting and Self-Love
Many parents argue that they don’t need to love themselves to love their children. However, without self-love, it’s nearly impossible to interact with your children without passing your negative emotions on to them, especially during triggering events.
For example, if you were bullied in school because you couldn’t afford designer clothes, you may tell your child to wear nicer clothing to “protect” them from the bullying you experienced. Instead of teaching them to have self-worth, you’re effectively telling them that people will only like them if they dress and act a certain way, paving the way for the development of shame.
Belonging is our intrinsic desire to be a part of something larger than ourselves. Often, we try to change our behavior to fit in based on other people’s expectations. However, this behavior is unfulfilling and creates more barriers to true belonging. It’s the result of fear and ties self-worth to acceptance by others, which can lead to shame.
For example, if you go to a party with the goal of “fitting in,” the success of your evening relies on the opinion of other people. If people don’t accept you, you may question what’s “wrong” with you, developing shame in the process.
True belonging requires that you share your authentic self with the world to connect with other people, linking your sense of belonging to self-acceptance. With self-acceptance, belonging comes from an authentic place and doesn’t tie your self-worth to the opinions of others.
For example, if you go to a party with the goal of “being authentic,” the success of your evening relies solely on your willingness to be vulnerable and honest. If people don’t accept you, you can still take pride in the fact that you accomplished your goal. Also, it may lead to the realization that these people aren’t the people for you.
Vulnerability is the willingness to show up and share your authentic self while knowing that you have no control over the outcome of your interactions. Vulnerability removes defensiveness, promotes empathy, and bolsters creativity.
Both love and belonging require vulnerability because connection requires that you share your authentic self with others. Many associate vulnerability with weakness and push people away out of fear of rejection or ridicule. However, you can’t experience wholeheartedness without it.
Shame is insecurity that attaches to self-identity and gets in the way of action or vulnerability. It causes people to believe that they’re unworthy or unloveable. For example, if you feel shame about the way you look, and someone rejects you romantically, you may believe that you’re not “attractive enough,” diminishing your self-worth in the process.
Shame relies on people believing that their experience with insecurity is unrelatable, creating a sense of loneliness. This often causes people to believe that no one else could possibly understand their situation, leading to the development of three factors that allow shame to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment.
For example, a common form of shame is known as “imposter syndrome,” or the feeling that you’re a fraud. Imposter syndrome requires that you believe that the people around you are more qualified than you are and can’t understand your insecurity. This may lead you to keep your fears to yourself (silence), prevent others from seeing any potential weaknesses (secrecy), and increase your awareness of the failures of others (judgment).
Though shame feels isolating, everyone experiences it (with the exception of severe psychopaths). While no one wants to share their insecurities, talking about shame is the only way to diminish its power because, once you know that you’re not alone, shame loses its leverage.
Though the terms are often used interchangeably, shame isn’t the same as guilt, blame, embarrassment, or humiliation.
Guilt is attached to an action or behavior, not your identity. Guilt makes you say, “That was a bad decision.” Guilt can be a useful tool to stop making poor decisions. For example, an alcoholic feeling guilt about a relapse usually won’t give up on recovery because, while they know they made a bad decision, they don’t believe they’re a “bad person.”
Shame is attached to identity, not to an action or behavior. Shame makes you say, “I am a bad person.” Shame often causes people to fall further into unhealthy behavior. For example, an alcoholic feeling shame about their relapse will often spiral further into their addiction because they believe they’re irredeemable.
Blaming is the discharging of emotions that are often unrelated to the inciting incident. For example, your partner comes home late one night, causing you to get less sleep. The next morning, you accidentally drop a mug on the floor. You may blame your clumsiness on the fact that your partner disrupted your sleep while, in reality, they had little to do with you dropping the mug.
Shaming, on the other hand, is a pointed attack that targets someone’s insecurities. For example, your partner comes home late one night. You know they’re upset that they haven’t been able to spend time with the family, but you’re exhausted and frustrated. You begin yelling at them for spending too much time at work and not enough time with the kids, causing them to fall deeper into their shame.
Embarrassment is a temporary moment of discomfort. While embarrassing situations can be hard to handle in the moment, their emotional impact often lessens with time. For example, if you trip on your way to accept an award, you may feel embarrassed in the moment. However, with a bit of time, the experience loses its impact, potentially becoming humorous.
Shame is long-lasting and crippling. Often, people remember shameful experiences years after they’ve occurred. For example, if you were told as a child that you should never sing because you sound terrible, you may avoid public singing for the rest of your life because you never want to relive that experience.
Humiliation is a demeaning experience that you believe you didn’t deserve. Humiliation doesn’t impact self-worth and often leads to anger. For example, if a teacher yells at you for showing up a minute late to class, and you don’t feel you deserved that kind of response, you may feel upset, but you don’t think less of yourself.
Shame is a demeaning experience that you believe you did deserve. Shame impacts self-worth and often leads to retraction or silence. For example, if your boss calls you an idiot in front of your colleagues, and you believe them, your shame may cause you to say nothing and internalize your insecurity.
The TOSCA Test
The TOSCA test determines your proneness to shame, guilt, and blame by gauging your immediate responses to different scenarios. Based on your responses to these scenarios, you can acknowledge your tendencies, helping you notice them in real-life situations. For example, you drop red wine on a white carpet. What’s your first response? Do you:
Find the host immediately and apologize for what happened. (Guilt)
Look around to see if anyone saw what you did, then slip away unseen. (Shame)
Ask yourself, “Why are they serving red wine if they have a white carpet?” (Blame)
Shame often develops in childhood and lingers throughout adulthood. The roots of shame are often built at home or at school as a result of interactions with authority figures such as teachers or parents. For example, if a teacher calls a student “stupid” in front of the class for forgetting to put their name on their paper, that student may develop shame around their intelligence.
One study showed that 85% of people feel the impact of being shamed in school. Of those people, half of them were shamed for their creativity (or lack thereof). This has caused many to avoid creativity well into their adult years, causing what many in the business world are calling an “innovation crisis.”
In addition to negative interactions with teachers and parents, negative interactions with siblings often cause shame. Siblings know each other’s triggers and often abuse that knowledge through name-calling, physical abuse, and other cruel practices. These often occur during fights and are usually outlets for unrelated anger.
For example, if Johnny had a rough day at school, and his sister, Kelly, makes a joke at his expense, Johnny may make a cruel comment about Kelly’s appearance in retaliation. If self-image is something that Kelly struggles with, this comment could feed into her shame and drive her deeper into her insecurity.
Shame triggers are topics that evoke emotional responses based on your insecurities. These triggers are often the result of your upbringing and can elicit one of three negative responses:
For example, if you feel insecure about your body, and someone makes an off-hand comment about someone’s weight, you may feel an emotional response to their comment, leading you to do one of the following:
These triggers are often developed in childhood but carry on into adulthood. For example, if you were raised to believe that laziness is unacceptable, you may view taking breaks or getting sick as unacceptable because they keep you from working. This may cause you to make unhealthy decisions and overwork yourself to avoid your shame.
Unfortunately, shame is a part of life. There isn’t a way to eradicate it, but you can deal with it healthily:
First, understand that self-worth has no prerequisites. You don’t have to do anything to be “worthy” of love and belonging. If you feel you have to prove yourself, you’re allowing your shame to dictate your behavior.
Second, when bad things happen, don’t allow them to dictate your self-worth. Don’t allow your guilt or humiliation to turn into shame. For example, if you make a bad decision, tell yourself, “I made a bad decision, and I’m working to fix it.” Conversely, avoid saying, “I am a bad person, and, because of that, I can’t fix anything.”
Third, accountability is important, but never at the cost of shaming. This applies to how you’re treated as well as how you treat others. For example, if your child gets a bad grade on a test, don’t shame them by calling them “lazy” or “dumb.” Instead, say, “I think you made some poor choices about studying, and I know you can do better because you’re smart, and you’re capable.”
This also applies to self-accountability. Your actions speak louder than your words, and if you resort to shaming yourself when you make mistakes, people around you will notice. For example, if you tell your children never to call themselves “stupid,” but you call yourself “stupid” after making simple mistakes, your children will note your hypocrisy and ignore your advice.
Fourth, practice shame resilience. Shame resilience is the ability to recognize and discuss shame. There are four keys to shame resilience:
Lastly, develop a few practices that help you identify and handle shame:
Empathy is the ability to see the world as others see it and understand another person’s feelings. Shame can’t grow in an environment of empathy because understanding eradicates insecurity.
Empathy isn’t the default for most people because it can be challenging or uncomfortable. It requires setting your personal perspective or problems aside and meeting someone at their current emotional level. There are two key elements of empathy: perspective-taking and nonjudgmental understanding.
Perspective-taking is the ability to look at a situation from another person’s perspective instead of your own. Everyone has a “lens” through which they experience the world. To be empathetic, separate yourself from your personal “lens” and accept that someone else’s lens is just as important.
What’s a minor issue to one person may be a serious catastrophe to another. For example, your friend drops a plain-looking mug and starts to panic. From your perspective, dropping the mug may be a minor issue as you assume your friend could just buy another cheap one. However, what you don’t know is that the mug was given to them by their grandmother who recently passed away.
Children often learn perspective-taking from their parents. Because of this, this practice is particularly challenging for white, middle-class, Judeo-Christians because many people in that demographic were taught from childhood that their perspective was the perspective. This makes it challenging for them to set aside their own “lens” to try to see the world from a different point of view.
Nonjudgmental understanding requires the setting aside of personal shame to prevent judgmental feelings or actions. We judge people based upon our personal shame because it gives us a false sense of security. For example, if you feel insecure about the way you look, and you see someone walk by who’s overweight, you may think, “Well, at least I’m not as bad as he is,” providing yourself with shallow validation.
Judgment is particularly hard to avoid in parenting. When your children experience things that are shame triggers for you, it’s easy to respond from a place of judgment, passing your insecurities on to your children. For example, if appearance is a trigger from your past, and your daughter said that someone made fun of her for the way she looked, your judgmental reaction may be, “Well, if you just wore your hair back like I told you to, this wouldn’t have happened.”
To practice nonjudgmental understanding:
Where empathy is the ability to meet and relate to someone in an emotional place, sympathy is only the ability to recognize when someone’s in an emotional place. Sympathy amplifies shame because it calls out shame triggers without creating connection, leaving the person in shame feeling isolated.
To understand the difference, consider the following analogy: Your friend is stuck in a hole. Empathy is equivalent to seeing your friend in the hole, getting a ladder, climbing down into the hole, sitting with your friend for a while, then climbing out together. Conversely, sympathy is equivalent to seeing your friend in the hole, calling down, “I’m sorry you’re down there,” then walking away.
Knowing your shame triggers can help you navigate your emotional responses and build healthy habits.
Identify a personal shame trigger. What do you think made this topic triggering for you?
When shame is triggered by this topic, what is your typical response? Describe it. (Think about the responses of silence, complacency, and aggression.)
While shame is unavoidable, you don’t have to let it control your life.
What are your physical responses to shame? (For instance, you may get tense, warm, or dizzy.)
When you feel these physical sensations start to emerge, what are some practices that you could use to calm yourself down to avoid spiraling? List two to four. (For instance, you could tap your forehead, take deep breaths, or walk away to compose yourself.)
There are many myths about vulnerability that lead people to put on “emotional armor” that prevents them from living authentically. There are three primary myths that distort people’s perception of vulnerability:
Because vulnerability requires sharing shame and emotion, many associate it with weakness. As a result, many believe that because they’re a certain gender or work a certain job, they can’t show vulnerability:
Despite this popular belief, vulnerability is actually a sign of strength. It requires more courage to share something intimate with someone not knowing how they’ll perceive you than staying silent and isolated because you’re afraid of what they may think of you.
Shame uses isolation to develop, making it nearly impossible to handle shame without vulnerability. People often use this excuse because they’re afraid of rejection and believe this is the “safer” option. However, isolation is almost always more suffocating than sharing your emotional state with people that you trust.
For example, if you silently believe that you’re less intelligent than everyone around you, that will quickly put you into an unhealthy emotional place. However, if you share your insecurity with a close friend, they may find that your insecurity about your intelligence is all in your head.
Trust requires vulnerability between two parties. It is nearly impossible to trust another person if you have no concept of their motives, personality, or feelings. To develop trust, you have to be willing to be vulnerable. Sharing small moments of love, affection, or empathy will help develop a stronger bond with the people around you over time.
Note: Trust takes a long time to build, but only an instant to destroy. In terms of vulnerability, there are two primary causes of the destruction of trust:
With common misconceptions about vulnerability in mind, we often rely on “emotional armor,” or mental states that prevent vulnerability. From childhood, most of us are taught that these behaviors will “protect” us from being emotionally damaged by other people. However, they only serve as barriers to wholehearted living. There are three major pieces of “emotional armor”: perfectionism, numbing through addiction, and foreboding joy. (We’ll cover “foreboding joy” in Chapter 3.)
Perfectionism is the belief that if you do everything perfectly, you can avoid shame. It comes from the desire to be perceived as perfect because, in a perfectionist’s mind, perfection prevents criticism, which leads to a lower sense of self-worth.
For example, if a perfectionist made a batch of cookies, and someone says, “Oh, these are a bit dry,” the perfectionist may feel as though they “failed,” leading to shame. This may lead them to spend more time on their next batch to avoid feeling shame.
Authenticity can’t exist at the same time as perfectionism because “appearing perfect” requires that you mask your true emotions and feelings. For example, a perfectionist would likely care more about appearing calm and collected rather than actually being calm and collected.
Perfectionism prevents vulnerability by forcing people to stay inside of their carefully constructed world out of fear of judgment. Ironically, this often makes perfectionists more judgmental towards other people. For example, if a perfectionist worked for 12 hours on outdoor Christmas decorations, they may scoff at the neighbor’s single inflatable Santa Claus in their front yard.
Ultimately, perfectionism is a useless exercise because even the most “perfect” people are judged and criticized. For example, beautiful celebrities have their appearances berated in tabloids and on social media regularly. Even if they’re as close to “perfect” as one can get, they’re still judged on a daily basis.
Addiction is compulsive and chronic behaviors used to numb emotions associated with shame. While we often think of addiction in terms of alcohol and drug abuse, it can take many forms. It allows us to ignore our shame and keeps us disengaged from the people around us. For example, if you were addicted to social media, you might find yourself scrolling through Instagram instead of hanging out with your friends and family.
These addictive tendencies occur because we regularly cross the line between “comforting” and “numbing” behaviors:
Without careful moderation, comforting behaviors can morph into numbing behaviors. For example, a piece of chocolate during a hard day can provide a moment of comfort while you try to turn your day around. However, if having a single piece of chocolate becomes binge-eating a bag of chocolates every night, it’s become a numbing behavior.
Unfortunately, there aren’t many resources available for “non-emergency” addictions outside of seeing a therapist. While you could go to rehab or AA for a drinking problem, where would you go if you were addicted to video games? While this may sound ridiculous, a man was once fired from his job because his video game addiction got out of hand.
The “kill or be killed” mentality is the belief that you’re either fighting to be dominant or succumbing to someone else. Trauma survivors and soldiers often fall into this binary way of seeing the world. While this mentality can be essential in survival situations, it is dangerous to utilize in everyday life as it prevents empathy.
For example, if someone bumps into you on the subway, this mentality may cause you to “assert your dominance” by screaming at the person. While the bump may have been accidental, the need to appear strong and dominating may cloud your judgment.
Often, people will invest time and energy in avoiding challenging or confrontational situations instead of dealing with them head-on. This can lead to people-pleasing or suppressing emotion to avoid conflict. While it may be more comfortable in the moment, it doesn’t address the issues that led to the uncomfortable situation.
For example, if your boss is giving you feedback in a disrespectful manner, you may not say anything because you want to avoid getting into an argument. However, if you allow them to demean or diminish you, your silence may lead to shame.
Oversharing is not vulnerability:
Oversharing causes people to become overwhelmed and push away from the oversharer. For example, if someone you just met begins telling you about all of their childhood trauma, you may become uncomfortable and try to leave the conversation. Often, oversharers then use this rejection to validate a “no one cares” mentality.
Emotional bombs are unexpected, sudden drops of emotional information that are used in an effort to acquire validation or compassion while invalidating other people’s experiences. These bombs are often accompanied by the belief, “You just don’t understand how bad things are for me.” They don’t factor in boundaries and are often used to test the “strength” of a relationship.
For example, you’re out with a group of friends when one of your friends mentions that her dog is sick and may pass away. You respond with, “Yeah? Well, my dad died a few months ago, so that’s nothing,” effectively silencing and invalidating your friend in the process. When people try to comfort you, you respond by saying, “You just don’t understand what I’m going through.”
Knowing what pieces of “emotional armor” you use will help you handle your shame in a healthier way.
What pieces of emotional armor do you have? (For instance, you may be a perfectionist or use numbing behaviors.)
Describe an experience in which your emotional armor got in the way of dealing with shame in a healthy way.
Have you ever believed one of the “myths about vulnerability”? If so, which one and why?
Wholehearted living requires active engagement and constant reflection. There are 10 practices for living wholeheartedly. This chapter will cover practices 1-5, and the next chapter will cover practices 6-10.
The first five practices promote healthy thinking and internal reflection. They are mostly internal practices that will help you let go of the mental roadblocks you may face on your way to wholehearted living.
Authenticity is the process of accepting ourselves for who we really are and abandoning the idea of who we think we’re supposed to be. By placing value on your own needs and identity, authenticity helps develop your sense of self-worth. There are three requirements for authentic living:
This can be a challenging process as human beings are hard-wired to want to fit in with others, often by adhering to external expectations. For example, if you want to make a good impression on a new co-worker, you may agree to every favor that they ask of you, even if it leads to unnecessary stress.
To begin living authentically, consider the following tips:
If someone asks you to do something that you don’t want to do or don’t feel you can do without overwhelming yourself, say “no.” You may frustrate some people when you begin to do this, but agreeing to do something you don’t want to do builds the foundation for resentment. For example, if your friend asks you for help filing their paperwork on a Friday afternoon when you’ve already worked a full 40-hour workweek, saying “yes” may lead to unnecessary frustration.
To prepare yourself, practice saying “no” in the mirror, and bring notes with you when you’re turning someone down. These habits allow you to become more comfortable in the situation and allow you to keep your emotions from clouding your judgment.
Note: This doesn’t mean you have to say “no” every time someone asks you to do something for them. You can help people when they reach out but have a clear sense of your level of stress or exhaustion and don’t overextend yourself.
Conversely, if you find a project or venture that you’re genuinely excited about, say “yes.” Often, the prospect of imperfection or ineptitude may keep you from diving in. However, if you allow fear to dictate your behavior, you’ll never be willing to try new things or engage with projects that excite you.
For example, if you’ve always been interested in taking a painting class, take a painting class. Though you may be afraid that your lack of artistic experience may lead to shame, you’ll never know what benefits the class will provide if you never take the leap of faith.
Create a simple mantra based on an authenticity goal. Repeat this phrase to yourself before entering high-stress situations to remind you to practice authenticity. For example, if your goal is to accept that your needs are important enough to say “no” to things, you could say to yourself, “My needs outweigh others’ expectations.”
As you learned earlier, perfectionism is a key cause of shame. It’s also extremely contagious and can be passed along to your children. For example, if you obsess over turning in perfect projects, you may demand that same level of perfection from your child in their schoolwork, causing them to feel shame if they create anything that is less than perfect.
Self-compassion is the antidote to perfectionism because it allows you to learn from your mistakes without connecting them to your self-worth. There are three aspects of self-compassion:
Note: With mindfulness practices, be careful to avoid crossing the line from comforting behavior into numbing behavior. For example, eating a cookie to have a bit of joy at the end of a long day is different from eating an entire box of cookies in an attempt to suppress your feelings.
Resilience is your ability to recover from stress or trauma:
To develop high levels of resilience, practice the following:
Take the time to relax and replenish your energy by practicing congruent living, or living life based on how you’re naturally built. You’re more “hard-wired” than you think, meaning that certain traits such as introversion or extroversion are outside of your control.
Know what your body needs to recover and find the time to engage with those practices. For example, if you know you need to take 45 minutes of alone time before bed to wind down, schedule that time into your day.
If you try to live your life in a way that runs counter to the way your brain works, you’ll exhaust yourself quickly and won’t have the energy for resilience. Often, this leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as numbing or addictive behaviors.
For example, if you’re an introvert who’s always around people, you’ll never have the alone time to replenish your energy. Therefore, when a crisis occurs, you won’t have the energy to bounce back. This could lead to shame, which could lead to the development of a numbing behavior.
Spirituality is the belief that all people are connected by something greater than themselves. This allows you to lift some of the burdens of life from your own shoulders, and give them to a higher power. This also creates purpose and perspective, generating empathy and drive in the process.
Note: Spirituality isn’t inherently linked to organized religion. Though some people may find their spirituality through religions such as Islam, Christianity, or Judaism, spirituality can also be a personal perspective.
Venting is important. It lets you feel your emotions and allows you to express the severity of your current situation. When venting, you don’t have to lie about your feelings, even if they’re unpopular or uncomfortable. However, be sure to maintain some perspective when venting. Don’t compare your feelings or situation to others because you don’t know what other people are going through.
For example, if your house loses power because of a tornado, venting about your frustration can be healthy. However, if you start claiming that you have it worse than anyone else, you’re invalidating and ostracizing the people around you, especially those who may have lost homes or family members.
Foreboding joy is the feeling of apprehension that develops when things are going well. For example, if you have kids, and you go out with your significant other for the night, foreboding joy would be spending the entire date night worrying about your children with the babysitter instead of enjoying your time with your partner.
This apprehension is a defense mechanism based on the belief that preparing for the worst will help with one of two stressors:
However, foreboding joy doesn’t work in practice. No amount of preparation can lessen the impact of tragedy or disappointment, meaning that apprehension squanders positive emotions without providing any benefit. Don’t sacrifice your joy in the moment to fear for an unknown eventuality you have no control over.
How do the most joyful people avoid succumbing to fear? They practice gratitude. Gratitude doesn’t happen on its own. It requires attention and engagement. A few methods to practice gratitude include:
Graphic Imagery and Foreboding Joy
The human brain isn’t hardwired to process fictional violence. Your brain is built to believe whatever it sees, even if you’re watching a movie or TV show. This is why genres such as horror can create visceral responses. This physiological reaction constantly reminds you of how quickly and painfully life can be taken away, making foreboding joy a more common experience.
Intuition is personal insight commonly described as a “gut instinct.” This feeling develops through experience and helps shape your perspective on the world. Intuition is directly tied to authenticity as it represents your subconscious response to the world around you.
In times of uncertainty or confusion, many ignore their intuition and make decisions based on more “comfortable” methods:
In both of the above methods, personal perspective is ignored, often leading to poor decision-making. For example, if you’re unsure about accepting a new job, you may ask your friends to guide your decision. If your “gut” is telling you to take the job, but your friends talk you out of it, you may be missing out on an opportunity that would bring you fulfillment as you allowed others to make your decision for you.
To start listening to your intuition, you must first accept that certainty isn’t real. The world is constantly changing, and no one can predict the future. Learning to sit with the uncertainty and allowing your instincts to guide your decision-making process often leads to clarity and fulfillment.
As you begin to embrace uncertainty, allow yourself to sit in silence. You don’t need to fill every moment, and scheduling time to do nothing but sit with yourself can be helpful as you work to get in touch with your personal intuition.
Faith is an important aspect of embracing uncertainty. It gives you the courage to walk into the unknown while believing in something greater than yourself. Similar to spirituality, faith doesn’t have to be associated with religion. While it may be the source of faith for others, you can have faith without having to subscribe to organized religion.
Contrary to popular academic perspectives, faith and reason aren’t automatically at odds with one another. This debate comes from shame associated with the need for certainty. Many researchers call faith “unreasonable” because it implies that there are things that we may never understand, a perspective that they associate with ignorance. However, uncertainty is an integral part of the human experience. The only “reasonable” way to live is to accept that we’ll never know everything.
Authentic living leads to better decision-making and a healthier lifestyle. To begin living authentically, let go of external expectations, and make choices based on what’s best for you.
Think of a time you agreed to do something that you didn’t want to do, only to regret the decision later. Describe the experience.
How could saying “no” have helped you in that situation?
Think of a time you wanted to do something but allowed shame to get in the way. Describe the experience.
With this in mind, what similar opportunities are coming up in the near future? How can you prevent shame from holding you back next time?
Gratitude is one of the most important aspects of wholehearted living. It prevents foreboding joy (a fear of the “other shoe dropping”) and allows you to maintain perspective.
List three to five things that you’re grateful for in this moment. Explain why you’re grateful for each.
How does this list affect your perspective? (For example, if you’re having a rough day, does this list bring some light into your day? If you’re having a good day, does this elevate it further?)
Who could you share this gratitude with today? List two to four people. (These could be family members, friends, or colleagues.)
What “mundane” moments could you be grateful for today? List several. (For example, having family dinner or going on a walk with a close friend.)
This chapter covers the final five practices for wholehearted living. These practices promote action and behavior. By engaging with things such as creativity, play, and rest, you can lower your inhibitions, let go of the need for validation, and take care of your mind and body.
Creativity is essential to wholehearted living, acting as an outlet for emotional expression and a generator for innovation. Many scoff at art, calling it self-indulgent or childish. However, unused creativity often transforms into pent-up, negative emotions such as guilt, rage, or judgment. In addition to emotional build-up, a lack of creativity has contributed to the “innovation problem” many businesses have experienced in the 21st century.
Everyone has the capacity to be creative. However, many people experience shame surrounding art at a young age, leading them to abandon their creative pursuits early on. In fact, because art requires immense vulnerability—often in a public setting—creativity is one of the most common shame triggers.
What causes this common source of shame? Comparison. In the United States, students only have creative freedom until around the third grade, at which point teachers begin comparing students’ work. When this happens, many students are told that they’re “not good enough,” and should move on to “more realistic” pursuits.
Sometimes this is taken to an extreme. For example, if your teacher ridiculed your painting, you’d likely be hesitant to jump back into creative pursuits. If that apprehension continued through your developmental years, you may become a grown adult who believes they lack the capacity for creativity.
If you’ve lost touch with your creativity, consider the following:
There are many ways to do this, including taking a painting class, starting voice lessons, or dancing with your significant other. There is no right or wrong way to be creative. It’s about playing with different mediums and finding what works best for you.
Comparison leads to the question, “What’s the point if I’m never going to be ‘good enough’?” To combat this feeling, remember that creativity isn’t about being “better” than someone else. It’s about a willingness to be vulnerable and expressive. The more you engage with your own creativity, the easier it will be to abandon comparison.
Most adults struggle with the concepts of play and rest because of the stigma of “laziness.” Particularly in American culture (where work and identity are often linked), exhaustion in the name of productivity has become a “badge of honor” for many. For example, if you worked until midnight on a project and only slept for three hours, you may share that information with your colleagues as a point of pride.
However, research has shown that play and rest are essential parts of wholehearted living and lead to higher rates of productivity than overworking.
“Play” has three elements:
Play helps alleviate stress and generate joy as you allow yourself to get lost in an activity without stakes. Few adults willingly engage in play out of fear of being viewed as “childish.” However, a lack of play is directly related to increased levels of depression and aggression. In fact, some studies have shown a direct correlation between violence and a lack of play.
For example, in 1966, Charles Whitman, a student at the University of Texas, opened fire on students from the top of UT Tower. Following the attack, psychiatrist Stuart Brown studied Whitman’s history for clues to what led him to carry out such a horrific act. He discovered that Whitman’s father never allowed him to play and demanded perfection, a fact that Brown believes led to the repressed rage that led to the attacks.
(Shortform note: Read more about Stuart Brown’s perspective on Charles Whitman here.)
To begin to play, consider the following:
Play means something different for everyone. For example, some people love games, some love recreational sports, and some love to dance in their kitchen. There isn’t a right or a wrong way to play as long as the activity fits within the properties of play:
A contest consists of a challenge that involves putting people at odds with one another. Competition takes that one step further, requiring a winner and a loser. Competition creates pressure to come out on top and attaches self-worth to victory.
For example, a friendly game of Monopoly can be a contest as long as no one really cares who wins or loses. However, the moment that winning becomes everything, it turns into a competition, creating stress and tension.
Animals and Contest
Many animals engage in playful contests with one another. They’ll even handicap themselves to make playtime last longer. For example, in a wrestling match between two dogs, the stronger one will often allow the weaker one to gain the occasional advantage so they can play longer.
In most cases, animals don’t engage in competition unless there are actual stakes involved. For example, lions engaged in a fight to see who will control territory is a competition. The fight requires a winner and a loser and will dictate the future of the pride.
Many adults are in “sleep debt,” meaning they’ve gone more than two consecutive nights with less than seven hours of sleep. While a significant number of people believe they’re fine living with sleep debt, researchers have discovered that no one functions at their peak without sufficient rest. In fact, sleep deprivation has been linked to:
Adults in sleep debt often fear being called “lazy,” leading them to work overtime in the name of productivity. There are two common excuses that come from this perspective:
To embrace rest, accept that you’re allowed to pause and relax for your well-being. Your value as a human being isn’t attached to exhaustion or productivity. Overworking prevents you from checking-in with yourself and making sure that you’re healthy, which can have devastating results in the long-term.
Anxiety can quickly take over your life if you don’t actively fight against it, especially when it’s caused by a shame trigger. In addition to the personal stress anxiety can cause, it quickly spreads to the people around you, causing tension to quickly rise. For example, if someone walks into a meeting carrying anxious energy, that energy can easily spread to the rest of the room, making the meeting less effective and more stressful.
There are two kinds of natural responses to anxiety:
Both tendencies come from the need for numbing. Over-functioners use work to numb their emotions, while under-functioners use distraction. These pieces of emotional armor prevent you from addressing the source of your anxiety, exacerbating the problem. Know which tendency you fall into and avoid the associated behaviors. If you’re not sure which tendency you fall into, ask your friends and family. They can give you an outside perspective.
Once you have a grasp on your tendencies, address your anxiety by finding the source of your stress. This will lead to one of two realizations:
Birth Order and Anxious Tendencies
Researchers have discovered that birth order and anxious tendencies often have a direct correlation. First-born children and first-born females tend to be over-functioners because they’ve had more responsibilities in childhood, inflating their sense of importance. Conversely, younger siblings tend to be under-functioners because they’ve had things done for them by older siblings, lessening their sense of responsibility.
Calm is the discovery of perspective through mindfulness. Calmness is the antidote to anxiety because it allows you to look at the source of your anxiety in a reasonable way. For example, if you’re feeling anxious about an upcoming date, a moment of calm can lead to the realization that the stakes of a single date are relatively low, allowing you to enter the date collected and emotionally available.
Calmness requires practice, especially in high-stress situations. When your anxiety is triggered, use the following steps as a guide to calmness:
For example, a co-worker approaches you and tells you that they heard that your company is going to start laying people off because of budget cuts. After a few deep breaths, you ask the following:
Had they answered, “No,” to either question, there wouldn’t be a reason to be anxious, but, unfortunately, they answer, “Yes,” to both, so you then ask yourself:
Even if you answer, “Yes,” to the first question, you recognize that melting down isn’t going to be helpful. Because you have no power over the outcome, you take a few more deep breaths and continue to go about your day.
Meaningful work is any work that you’re passionate about. While some people have the privilege of making money doing the thing they love, most people have to find this work outside of their careers. This could be through volunteering, finding a hobby, or joining local organizations. For example, if you love performing, you could participate in a local choir or community theater.
Many people associate “work” with money, especially in American culture. This causes many people to avoid pursuing their passions because they fear it will take time away from “real work.” For example, an accountant may ignore their love of writing because they’re afraid it will take time away from the accounting work that brings home a paycheck.
The first step to engaging in meaningful work is to let go of expectations, especially around money. If something is meaningful to you, then it’s important. You don’t have to make money doing it. While financial factors may keep you from investing all of your time into your passions, finding some time for meaningful work will provide fulfillment and purpose.
On the other side, if you have a career in something that you’re passionate about, embrace that the work isn’t always going to feel fulfilling. It’s okay for your work to occasionally feel like a chore. You can find meaning in your work and dislike aspects of the process. If you’re able to make money doing something that you love, it’s usually worth the moments of frustration.
Work and Identity in America
In the USA, people often associate identity with career. In fact, one of the first questions Americans ask when they meet someone is, “What do you do?” When people respond, they usually say the thing that makes them money, not necessarily the thing that brings them joy. For example, a banker who has a passion for making handmade furniture would likely respond to the question, “What do you do?” with “I’m a banker,” not “I make furniture.”
While it may not be the norm in American society, it can be fulfilling to identify with the things that bring you joy instead of the career that provides an income, especially if those two things don’t align. Next time someone asks you, “What do you do?”, try responding with your passion instead of your career, and see how that changes the dynamic of the conversation.
Laughing, singing, or dancing around other people requires immense vulnerability but also breaks down barriers, creates belonging, and offers a sense of freedom. Unfortunately, people often avoid these activities because of prevailing social and gender norms:
These shame triggers lead people to silence themselves as they try to fit into a mold that others have built for them—a restrictive and unhealthy behavior. For example, if someone’s at a concert and wants to sing along with the artist, but someone told them that they should never sing, they’ll likely stay silent, falling victim to their inhibitions and shame.
To release yourself from your inhibitions, embrace “goofiness.” Sing with your loved ones. Dance in your living room. Laugh with your friends. Don’t allow societal demands to limit your joy.
In addition to your personal freedom, advocate for the people that you love. For example, if your child begins dancing in the middle of a store, praise their bravery and creativity instead of demanding that they stop. While others may judge them for their actions, that’s their problem, not yours or your child’s.
Wholeheartedness is something you will always work on. As you begin to implement these practices into your life, keep the following in mind:
Creativity and play allow you to express your emotions and release your inhibitions.
What creative activities interest you? List several. (These don’t have to be activities that you’re an expert in. They can be anything creative, from glass blowing to voice lessons.)
With this list in mind, how could you get started on one of these activities in the next month or two? (For example, if you have an interest in painting, is there a local studio or an online class you could sign up for?)
What kind of play do you enjoy? Describe it, then list two to four activities that fit into this kind of play. (This could be any activity that fits the properties of play: time spent without purpose, you don’t want it to end, and it leads to a loss of self-consciousness. This could range from recreational sports to board games.)
With this list in mind, how could you engage in play with your friends and/or family within the next month or two?
In times of stress or crisis, embracing calm and stillness will help you find clarity and prevent anxiety from controlling your life.
Think of a time when a stressful incident or crisis caused your anxiety to take over. Describe the experience and how you reacted. (Think about tendencies toward over-functioning and under-functioning.)
With this experience in mind, how could you have introduced calm and stillness to prevent spiraling into your anxiety? (Think about breathing and asking questions.)
What mindfulness practices could you introduce into your routine? List several. (These could be daily, weekly, or monthly practices, from meditation to a self-care day.)