The Sun and Her Flowers is a collection of poems by poet and visual artist Rupi Kaur. In this collection, Kaur explores the end of a relationship, her traumas and insecurities, and the people and relationships that inspire her and help her heal. Through her minimalist style of verse and drawings, Kaur connects her own deep emotional experiences to larger social issues around her—misogyny, rape, female infanticide, and negative body image. In our guide, we’ll explore the main themes of Kaur’s poems in three main parts:
Through our commentary, we’ll show how others have experienced similar traumas to Kaur, the deeper sociocultural roots of such traumas, and theories on how society might address them.
In the “Wilting” section of The Sun and Her Flowers, Kaur recounts the days, weeks, and months following the end of a long-term relationship. These initial pages express her rage, love, and sorrow, as well as her conflicted feelings toward her abusive ex-partner. Over the course of the first section, Kaur shows that leaving her relationship was the right choice—even though it wasn’t an easy one.
Many of the poems in “Wilting” talk about the attraction and love Kaur felt toward her partner when they were together. They express the insecurities and desires that kept her in the relationship despite her partner’s abuse. Kaur expresses how she was attracted to the idea of a relationship, rather than being attracted to her partner. She expresses two feelings in particular:
1) Desiring affection: Kaur describes how much she needed to feel wanted in her relationship, both romantically and sexually. When her ex cheated on her or seemed uninterested in her, Kaur wondered how she could change her appearance or behavior so he’d show her affection again.
(Shortform note: Melodie Beattie (Codependent No More) suggests that if a desire for affection comes from low self-esteem, then it can often form a cycle of unhealthy dependency in a relationship. Low self-esteem makes someone feel like they can’t function and take care of themselves, so they become desperate to find others to validate and take care of them. This desperation makes them more likely to settle for unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships don’t satisfy emotional needs and can even cause the dependent partner additional distress—this lowers their self-esteem further, which makes them more dependent, which makes them more desperate to stay in the unhealthy relationship that’s lowering their self-esteem.)
2) Fearing loneliness: In addition, Kaur talks about her fear of being alone. This put her in a position where she wanted to be in any relationship at all—a want that kept her with her ex despite his abusive behavior.
(Shortform note: Fear is a major reason why many victims stay in abusive relationships—this can mean emotional fears like Kaur’s fear of loneliness, but it can also mean fear of physical violence or financial insecurity. However, while a victim’s fear can keep them in an abusive relationship, experts suggest that a friend or family member expressing fear can help them leave it—they recommend telling a victimized friend or family member that you fear for their safety or well-being without judging their choices.)
Despite the pain and sorrow Kaur felt when her relationship ended, she still chose to avoid her partner, even when he asked for another chance or to remain friends. Her poems describe what a difficult choice this was emotionally, but they also explain the two main reasons why she made the choice to leave and stay away:
1) Actions speak louder than words: Even though her partner kept telling her things would get better or that they could work through their problems, his behaviors didn’t change. Because of this, Kaur recognized that her partner was still the same and she stopped trusting what he told her.
(Shortform note: Rachel Hollis (Girl, Wash Your Face) also describes how she recognized her relationship was unhealthy—but while Kaur reexamined the actions of her partner, Hollis reexamined herself and realized she’d changed into someone unrecognizable who excused unacceptable behavior or went to excessive lengths to receive approval from her partner. In Hollis’s case, actions still spoke louder than words; the actions were just her own.)
2) Redefining love: Kaur realized that she’d been looking at love in the wrong way. Her desperate search for external sources of love (like other people) went wrong, keeping her stuck in an abusive relationship. Instead, Kaur recognized that she had to learn to love herself—otherwise, she’d follow the same pattern of desperately desiring approval and becoming dependent on a partner. Kaur started redefining love by choosing herself over her partner and staying away from him.
(Shortform note: While Kaur talks about self-love in terms of appreciating and caring for herself, Tara Brach (Radical Acceptance) suggests that there’s a simpler first step for developing self-love: accepting your emotions in a given moment without judging yourself harshly. This strategy means recognizing if you’re feeling upset, did something wrong, or are in a tough situation but not turning that observation into self-criticism—avoiding phrases like “I shouldn’t feel this way,” “Why am I so stupid?” or, “I’m so bad at everything.” Brach explains that this kind of acceptance helps make it easier to develop self-love, self-esteem, and self-care.)
Even after leaving her abusive partner and beginning to recover emotionally, Kaur still had a long road of healing ahead. After describing her abusive relationship in “Wilting,” the “Falling” section of The Sun and Her Flowers then reflects on the root causes that led Kaur to that relationship in the first place. Many of the poems in “Falling” explore Kaur’s feelings of emptiness, depression, and anxiety stemming from deeper traumatic events and powerful insecurities.
(Shortform note: Kaur isn’t alone in her experience of “re-victimization,” or ending up in an abusive relationship after childhood abuse. Studies find that women who suffered childhood sexual or physical abuse are far more likely to end up with abusive partners in their adult lives. Some experts suggest that childhood abuse directly leads to further abuse by teaching a victim that they deserve harsh treatment or that the abuse they suffer is their own fault.)
In particular, Kaur consistently references two main sources of her empty feelings:
Some of Kaur’s empty feelings and longing to feel love come from her negative body image. She often feels like her physical appearance is inadequate, or that she’s lacking the traits of a “beautiful” woman—thin eyebrows, little to no body hair, an hourglass figure, and so on. Kaur explores how this is a particular challenge for a woman of color living in the West, which she says bases beauty standards on white women.
Kaur recognizes that these aren’t objective standards of beauty and that they’re created by her society, but she still can’t help but judge herself by them. Kaur positions her negative body image—and her subsequent need to feel attractive—as one of the root causes of her anxiety, depression, and feelings of emptiness.
(Shortform note: Some psychologists suggest that to address negative body image (and the negative feelings it often inspires), people can think about their body in terms of action rather than appearance. Instead of judging their body by how beautiful or ugly it is, they can appreciate everything that their body does for them—feeling gratitude for their physical abilities, talents, or simply the fact that their body is crucial for getting through daily life. Proponents of this strategy suggest that if someone tries to see their body as beautiful, they’re still focusing on what’s good or bad about their appearance—but by focusing on action, they can break that cycle of thinking.)
Another major source of Kaur’s empty feelings is a sexually traumatic experience in her past. Kaur’s uncle raped her when she was a child; a traumatic experience that made sex and intimacy extremely difficult for her for a long time. Kaur talks about this experience from three different perspectives.
Kaur links the rape back to both personal and deeper sociocultural roots. In her own home, Kaur describes the effect of strict misogyny—how men tried to make her meek and submissive and didn’t respect her right to say “no.” Kaur suggests that this mentality empowered and enabled her rapist uncle at home and that the same misogyny continues to enable many more rapists in society at large. In particular, Kaur claims that cultural norms of shaming women for being sexual or praising them for their virginity contribute to a culture that enables rapists. These ideals, she expresses, give men the sense that they have the right to control women’s bodies and sexuality—and rape is an expression of that control.
(Shortform note: Kaur explicitly says that shaming women for sex or praising their virginity contributes to “rape culture”: a culture that enables, excuses, and empowers rapists. The idea of rape culture originally comes from second-wave feminist works written in the 1970s. Books like Susan Brownmiller’s Against Our Will redefined rape not as a passionate crime committed for sexual purposes, but rather as a violent crime committed to control and intimidate women. From this perspective, rape, shaming women’s sexuality, and praising women’s virginity are all means to the same end of controlling women—therefore, sex-shaming or virgin-praising passively endorses or even actively promotes rape.)
Kaur also talks about the long-lasting emotional impact of her uncle raping her. At the time, she was so young that she couldn’t fully grasp the scope of what had happened—she felt violated and broken but didn’t know how to address or cope with these feelings. For years afterward, Kaur was intensely uncomfortable with any kind of sex or intimacy. At that point, she still connected any sexual contact—even from kind and caring partners—to her traumatic experience. For a time, she felt like she’d never recover, or like she was fundamentally broken inside.
(Shortform note: Kaur’s emotional reaction to her sexual trauma shows why many children don’t tell others that someone raped them. In the short term, children often experience shock or shut out emotions as a coping mechanism—what’s happened to them is so traumatic that they have to block it out. In the longer term, children can feel like the abuse was their fault or that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. These natural emotional responses to trauma often make children close themselves off or keep secrets.)
However, Kaur did eventually recover from her sexual trauma and find some measure of peace. She decided that she couldn’t let her rapist define who she was or how she experienced love and intimacy. From there, she began a slow process of healing to try and reclaim her body and sexuality. Kaur’s poems suggest that this process is ongoing, but that she has made a great deal of progress—some days are worse than others, but she feels like she can live a life that isn’t defined by her sexual trauma.
(Shortform note: Johann Hari (Lost Connections) goes into more depth on how people can recover from childhood trauma. He suggests that people heal from trauma when they can talk about it with a doctor or mental health professional. Hari explains that “bottling up” and hiding emotions or experiences can commonly lead to both mental and physical illness. By talking about a traumatic event or its impacts, a victim can avoid the negative impact of “bottling up” and potentially find some relief or healing in the process.)
Despite the challenges she faced and the pain and emptiness they brought her, Kaur ends The Sun and Her Flowers on a positive, hopeful note. In the last three sections of the book (“Rooting”, “Rising”, and “Blooming”), she describes feeling a sense of belonging in her family and romantic life. Though challenges remain, Kaur knows she has the strength to face them and that the people she loves will help her along the way.
In particular, Kaur talks about two places where she finds meaning, hope, and a sense of belonging:
Kaur talks about finding a new sense of belonging through family and cultural background. In the “Rooting” section of the book, Kaur shows newfound appreciation for her Indian heritage and her family’s experience emigrating from India to Canada. While she appreciates many aspects of her cultural background, Kaur also criticizes certain aspects of South Asian culture as misogynistic.
Kaur expresses newfound gratitude and appreciation in her poems that discuss her family and culture. She’s come to recognize all of the remarkable challenges her parents faced. Arriving as poor immigrants, Kaur’s parents were able to successfully provide for their family and adapt to their new country and lives. Kaur is grateful to her mother in particular, who gave up pursuing her own goals and dreams so she could raise her family—going through constant work and stress all the while.
(Shortform note: Reflecting on their own experiences, some first-generation immigrants suggest that gratitude and family bonds can overcome some of the significant differences in values that might exist between immigrant parents and their children born in a new country. From this perspective, families can develop appreciation by acknowledging each other’s past hardships and recognizing where they share common ground—despite clashes that might appear between the cultural values of their current and former homes.)
In addition to appreciating the positivity of the past, Kaur also looks forward to the future. She expresses her desire to empower and help women around her—particularly women of color and women who have undergone many of the same hardships as her. Kaur phrases this process as carrying on the legacy of the women who came before her, both by recognizing their hardships and by helping future generations of women love and appreciate themselves.
(Shortform note: Some critics of Kaur claim that rather than inspiring young women of color, Kaur is actually holding them back—they say that Kaur speaks over other women of color and overgeneralizes their experiences. These critics often point to an accusation of plagiarism from poet Nayyriah Waheed. In response to these criticisms, Kaur says that both she and Waheed were speaking about similar experiences at similar times, but that she didn’t commit any plagiarism. In addition, she wishes more women of color poets could find the same success that she has.)
While Kaur finds a new appreciation for her background, she also recognizes some negative aspects of her heritage and culture. Through her poems, she explains how some elements of South Asian culture are misogynistic and how this misogyny informs the lives of South Asian girls and women. She often connects this back to the experiences of her mother—Kaur describes how her mother was taught to be submissive and obedient to the men in her life, and how she, in turn, helped teach Kaur those same lessons herself.
(Shortform note: Rosjke Hasseldine (The Mother-Daughter Puzzle) further discusses the complicated relationship between misogyny and mother-daughter relationships. She warns that women shouldn’t place too much blame on their mothers for teaching or enforcing misogynistic views—while they aren’t entirely innocent, they are themselves victims of the same beliefs. Instead, Hasseldine suggests that mothers and daughters approach their relationship as equals in similar circumstances. This dynamic allows them to empathize with each other and challenge misogynistic beliefs together instead of resenting each other or getting defensive.)
In addition, Kaur addresses the subject of female infanticide in Indian communities. She describes how, for centuries, families would kill their baby girls because they saw them as a burden on the family and valued boys more highly. Kaur also shows how this practice continues today both in India and in South Asian immigrant communities like the one she grew up in. This practice, Kaur expresses, shows how misogyny devalues and even ends the lives of women and girls.
(Shortform note: While Kaur suggests violence against women results in female infanticide, some scholars suggest that female infanticide also causes further instability and violence—both against women with increased rates of rape or kidnapping; and in general, with increased rates of murder and violent crime. Anthropological research argues that India’s skewed sex ratio—currently 108.1 males per 100 females—creates a surplus of men (often lower-class men from rural areas where female infanticide is more common) who are unable to find wives or create families. These men are more likely to join violent gangs or militias for respect or financial stability.)
Kaur’s sense of belonging extends beyond her family and into her romantic life as well. In the “Rising” and “Blooming” sections of the book, she describes falling in love and entering a new and positive relationship. She often describes how novel or unusual this feels—it’s her first time in a healthy relationship, and she’s not used to positive romantic and sexual experiences.
Despite her unease, Kaur feels hopeful about the future and appreciates her partner’s kindness and love. Most of all, though, Kaur is able to push past her insecurities and recognize that this is the kind of relationship that she deserves. Kaur learns how to love and appreciate herself—a challenging and often inconsistent process that helps her truly feel like she belongs in her own skin.
(Shortform note: Experts suggest that after experiencing abuse, survivors can help improve their future relationships by taking things slowly and working to communicate clearly with their partners. This is often a matter of recognizing when a feeling or behavior comes from an experience with abuse—for example, if a certain action triggers an intense emotional response, or reminds the victim of their abuser. Through these methods, survivors can heal and love again—their abuser doesn’t have to define their entire romantic life.)
Recognize challenges that you’ve overcome in life and the strength it took to do so.
What are some significant challenges you’ve overcome in the past few years? They could be emotional, financial, or professional—anything that took a lot of effort but that you accomplished.
How did you overcome these challenges? Consider the emotional strength it took for you to do so.
How does reflecting on overcoming those challenges make you feel?
Consider what you appreciate in your life and relationships and how they give you strength.
What’s a small act or experience that you appreciate, or that helps you through tough times? (For example, petting your dog, watching the sun rise, or listening to the blues.) How does this experience help you?
Who in your life helps you through hardships? Describe the different ways in which they help you.
What’s a small way that you could show that person your appreciation or gratitude?