David Deida, an expert in sexual and spiritual growth, teaches you to become a Superior Man by learning to be authentic. In the process, you’ll find and prioritize your purpose, understand and fulfill the needs of your woman, discipline your desires and insist on growth, and embrace and channel your attraction to the feminine.
The first key to becoming a Superior Man is authenticity, and the Superior Man knows there’s no better time to live authentically than right now. He doesn’t wait for his finances to be more secure, for his children to move out, or for his woman to change—he’s willing to do what’s necessary to give his fullest gift in every moment.
You have a unique gift to share, and you can’t fulfill your greatest potential if you never try. In this section, you’ll learn how to embrace and embody your true, masculine self, so you can channel your energy into giving your greatest gift, today.
Approach everything openly, wholeheartedly, and lovingly; this is how you give your fullest gifts without regret. It’s satisfying to give your best, and that satisfaction lets you engage more fully because you’re not distracted by a feeling that you’re wasting your time. Being open allows you to discover your deepest truth.
Stay conscious and open at all times, especially when faced with pain. When you retreat into your shell, you become blind to the subtle clues and nuances of a situation and are unable to act with your fullest intelligence. The Superior Man stays open to ensure he can respond with wisdom, humor, and love, instead of fear and defensiveness. Remain open by standing straight and breathing deep into your belly, opening the front of your body and making unguarded eye contact.
The Superior Man is trustworthy and inspirational because he knows what he fears and leans into it, sharing his gift anyway. His freedom comes from acknowledging, sharing, and facing his fear. Your greatest opportunity for growth lies at the edge of your fear. Speak your fear, describe your limit aloud, and proceed regardless of your fear and uncertainty. When others see you retreat from your fears and hide them, they lose trust in you. They know a man who lies to himself is likely to lie to them, too.
Ask your friends to challenge you; be open and honest with them about your fears, your struggles, and your situation. Have them identify specific ways in which you could improve, and take their criticism as guidance.
The Superior Man prioritizes his own purpose; he does not allow the expectations of others to sway him from his path. Shame, guilt, and expectation limit you, burdening you with feelings of fear and unworthiness.
Many men find that their deepest shame arises from the suppression of their sexual desire. As a masculine man, your natural desire is to ravish. You derive pleasure from releasing your woman from everything that blocks her ability to surrender fully to your love; from “taking” and filling her, body and soul.
This is your role in the polarity of sex, and when you suppress this desire you become unable to fulfill it lovingly. You turn to violent pornography and fantasies of rape, and your shame prevents you from fully engaging in your woman’s sexual surrender. Instead, give up your ego—release your inhibitions and, focusing on what your woman is feeling, give her everything you want to give. Ravish her with abandon, and give her the space to let her desires take you places you’d never have gone otherwise.
The Superior Man knows his priorities and pursues his purpose. In this section, you’ll learn the difference in priority between feminine and masculine, why you need a purpose and how to find it, and why you should prioritize it.
As men, we’re driven to pursue freedom—to push through all forms of constraint, release ourselves, and experience the total freedom of complete emptiness. Our deepest motivation is to face death and overcome it.
To be free, break your attachment to comfort and security. Your fear of surrendering your independent self is the death you must face to achieve the freedom of total one-ness.
Women are driven to pursue love—their path to fullness is surrender, rather than release. In sex, their desire is to be filled, connected, unified, and made whole. That’s why they’re disappointed when you stop holding them after your orgasm; you’ve achieved the freedom of release, but she’s achieved the fullness of surrender and wants to remain One.
Your truest release and her greatest fullness rest at the cores of your being. In discovering and embodying your truest selves, you attain your greatest freedom and she achieves her greatest love. Until you relax into your cores, she’ll always seek to fill herself and you’ll always seek release.
The Superior Man’s focus is on growth—he charts the course so others can follow, trusting the stability of his wisdom and the openness of his heart.
The journey of life is about constantly discovering deeper truths and consistently re-evaluating and reorganizing yourself around them. Live from the stable internal core of your being instead of focusing yourself around your daily tasks and responsibilities.
It’s good to be disciplined and purposeful in daily life, but when it disconnects you from your larger purpose you lose your freedom and perspective. When you know your core and are aligned with it, everything you do becomes an expression of your purpose. Your work and your intimacy become opportunities to give your fullest gifts and to enjoy the act of giving.
Your priority at all times should be to be who you are at your deepest level; you’ll only have the energy to love fully if you’re not wasting it by struggling with dissatisfaction.
How to find your core:
Instead of simply acting, practice being fully conscious in every moment. Breathe deeply, stay open, and consult your deepest truth. Weigh the pressures that drive you to act against your internal compass, and then act in the way you know is right. Whether you’re right or wrong, learn from the outcome and deepen your understanding of yourself.
The journey of life is a process of fully living one obligation, mission, or purpose at a time until it is finished and the next one can begin. When you fulfill a purpose, you grow closer to the truth of your heart—your deepest purpose—and open yourself to more fulfilling opportunities. When you lose interest in a purpose because you’ve learned all you can from it, make a clean break and find your next purpose, again and again, growing closer to your deepest truth each time.
There’s more to your life than loving your woman. You have a purpose that drives you, a gift to share with the world. When you put that aside, your life becomes directionless and empty.
The Superior Man understands that his life satisfaction comes from fulfilling his purpose; he knows that dissatisfaction will only impede his ability to engage fully with other things. He knows his woman wants him to be his best self, so he prioritizes his growth, even over his family.
Put your purpose first; dedicate yourself to becoming the best man you can be. Find and share your greatest gift and your deepest love in every moment. You’ll be able to give your purpose and family your full attention, instead of doing neither wholeheartedly and being frustrated with both.
Don’t make your woman take charge of your life; do that yourself so she can focus on her own. When she sees you living fully, openly, and lovingly, you give her the confidence to do the same.
In this section, we’ll explore the feminine mindset, learn to understand the meaning behind your woman’s words and complaints, and discover how to share your masculine gifts with her.
The masculine style of communication is to say exactly what we mean, according to a well-considered stance based on our experience and the events at hand. The feminine style is to communicate the textural feeling of the moment, not the literal details of the situation. She lives in the now, and her emotions and moods are solid, real things, but they pass quickly and change often.
Her words take into account her feeling about your relationship and both the seen and unseen nuances of the situation. There’s often wisdom there that’s unavailable to your way of perceiving the world. Let her follow her own flow; the full embodiment of femininity is to be moved by love and life, according to what feels right, rather than considered analysis.
Her role in the polarity of intimacy is to surrender openly and fully to you and, to do that, she needs to trust you entirely. Your integrity is critical; to trust you with her life, she needs to trust you with yours. Show her that you’re doing everything you can in service of your masculine mission, so she can relax into her own feminine priorities.
Meet your woman’s challenges, criticisms, doubts, and complaints with humor and love. Show her your openness, integrity, and strength. Remember that what she wants is to know that you’ll love her wholeheartedly no matter the circumstances and that you won’t stop loving her. Embrace her, make her feel loved, and appreciate her for pushing you to remain who you are.
Remember that the feminine seeks to be filled with love. When you express unconditional love to her, you give her the greatest gift she can receive.
At her deepest level, your woman’s difficulties arise from a feeling of being incompletely loved. This is the source of her destructive moods; her anger, sadness, and upset. The Superior Man understands that while his woman can escape her darkness on her own, his loving intervention can brighten her mood far more quickly than she could herself. He gives his woman the love and support she needs to pursue her own solutions, instead of promoting her feelings of powerlessness and insecurity by bombarding her with advice. Assume that what she needs is to feel love, and help the mood pass before seeking the problem. Conversely, if you show your woman you can’t handle her anger, she’ll feel that she’s unlovable when she’s angry. Because she needs to feel loved no matter how she is in the moment, she’ll return to that anger until you fill the emptiness that drives it with your love.
Remember that your intimate relationship requires polarity; if you want her to embody the feminine, embody the masculine and be that for her when she needs it. She’ll be able to surrender to you sexually because you’ll have enabled her to relax into trusting your masculine energy.
In this section, we’ll explore your priority and responsibilities in your relationship.
A masculine man’s primary goal will always be his mission, and a feminine woman’s primary goal will always be to maximize the flow of love in her life—this asymmetry can be a major cause of strife. For your relationship to best serve you and your woman, you must support each other in the pursuit of your distinct priorities. The intimacy between you will give you what you want only if you’re both fulfilled in the way you most need to be.
As an adult, you’re responsible for your own happiness, health, and success. You no longer need someone to take care of you. Beyond this, you have a responsibility to give your gift. Growing past your dependence on your partner is only one step to true adulthood—the larger step is to grow beyond your need for autonomy and independence. Simply put, the stage in intimacy that comes after independence is mutual, loving service.
As you get lost in the daily tasks of your business and your duties, your woman will get lost in the cycles of her moods and emotions. It’s your responsibility to cut through both mentalities: to stay awake to your purpose in living and to remove obstructions to your woman’s connection to the love at her core.
Remember what your masculine gifts are:
Before you can give your woman the gift of direction, you must find your own. Take control of your life and align it around your purpose. Your laziness, your addictions, and your lack of clarity are your own responsibility—try whatever techniques are appropriate to eliminate them.
In every moment, love through your woman and the world. Embrace every instant of your experience as a lover, and trust the direction in which love moves you. Give your gift so open-heartedly that you don’t even realize you’ve lost your need to be self-centered.
In this section, we’ll discuss the rejuvenating energy of attraction, where it can lead you, and who to pursue.
What attracts you to women is more than their outward beauty; it’s their radiance, their liveliness, and their freedom. Your desire for the feminine is an embodiment of your internal impulse to give love; don’t suppress it. It’s a feeling that rises out of a desire to live, to be a united One, and to be free in your spirit.
There’s more in the world that’s feminine than just women; nature, beer, music—anything beautiful, energetic, moving, and relaxing embodies the feminine essence. Even now, you’re floating in an ocean of feminine energy. It’s life in all forms; the breath in your lungs, the beating of your heart in your chest, the breeze in the trees, and the vibrancy of nature.
The Superior Man allows feminine energy to fuel his energy and his drive and revitalize his masculine core.
When you feel the zing of attraction, allow yourself to experience it fully. Don’t stare or interact with the woman who triggered it in you; just enjoy the gift of her feminine essence. Let the energy of your attraction flow through you and fill you. You don’t need to act on the attraction. Let it be what it is, and take it as a blessing.
Understand that sexual attraction is not the same as having sex. Being attracted to the radiance of a woman is always okay, but having sex with her may not be. Any intimacy needs to come from a shared commitment to loving and serving each other, and if that isn’t there, intimacy isn’t appropriate.
Your need for women comes from your spiritual desire for oneness, for completeness. This total serenity is always within you. The cycle of attraction, desire, and need has arisen because you’re searching outside of yourself for the peace that only exists inside.
Your capacity to love, give love, and receive love comes from your core, which is love. Women can bring you closer to it or take you further away, so magnify your desire. Take your woman in your arms and give her everything you want from her, the entirety of your desperate need to be whole, and feel through her, through the world, and into the core of endless love beyond.
As a masculine man, you’ll be most attracted to a feminine woman. Her embodiment of the feminine sexual essence enables her to give you the gifts you most desire, and it will naturally lead her to chaotic impulses and emotional storms. She’ll seem both sexually irresistible and emotionally unreadable.
Understand that this combination is simply the way of the world; like the women you’re attracted to, your world offers you limitless desire and terrifying unpredictability. A good relationship teaches you to embrace that dichotomy and learn to face it with an open mind and a loving heart. Your capacity to stand strong in your loving regardless of the unpredictability of her energy is what will grow you most—and her.
The Superior Man doesn’t just drop everything when his desires change—he evaluates the situation, makes adjustments, and continues to follow his core.
When the flow of your life changes, you may suddenly desire a different “temperature” of feminine energy: If your days are slow and peaceful, you may desire a “hot” woman to ignite your passion and revitalize your energy. If your days are busy and stressful, you may want a “cool” woman to soothe and heal you.
Energy is easy to adjust; instead of rushing to leave your woman when her energy no longer matches your needs, seek to adjust the “temperature” of your life in other ways first.
If you’re running hot, a change in diet, clothing, or lifestyle can be enough to cool you down. A glass of cool fruit juice, a massage from a cool woman, or a relaxed conversation can rebalance your energy. Likewise, spending time with hot, fiery people can warm you up and enliven your spirit just as much as having sex with a hot woman would. Spicy foods and warmer clothes will do just as well.
Regardless of how loving and satisfying your relationship is, you’ll probably find yourself wanting to have sex with other women. This is not necessarily a problem, and how you respond to that desire depends on your purpose in life.
Before you consider having more than one woman, take a look at the relationship you already have. Unless the intimacy in that relationship is characterized by deep connection, spiritual happiness, and rejuvenating passion, you’re not ready for a second woman, and it’s best to discipline your desire and work to improve the relationship you’ve already got.
If your relationship is strong, perhaps it’s right to pursue a second woman—in this case, ensure that doing so will best serve both your own needs and happiness and the needs and happiness of your current and future partners.
The Superior Man prioritizes connection over pleasure. In this section, we’ll explore techniques for the practice of conscious sexual intercourse.
Ejaculation without conscious choice or control weakens you physically, spiritually, and relationally. Your addiction to ejaculation prevents you from experiencing the full union of sexual love.
When your woman sees that you’re satisfied with a quick release—that your goal is release, rather than a perfect union—you show her that’s your priority. That in all things, you will seek release over completion, and you will lose her trust in life as you have in sex.
Your goal in sex should be to achieve the highest degree of intimacy and sexual fulfillment available to you—your woman is giving you the gift of her full and open surrender; you owe her your greatest gift in return.
First, learn to consciously contract the muscles in your pelvic floor: your genitals, anus, and perineum (the space between your genitals and your anus). When you contract the muscles in this area, focus on pulling it upward toward your spine, and into your body. It’ll feel much like trying to hold it on your way to the bathroom.
Practice this in sets of 15 or 20, contracting those muscles and holding them for as long as you can. Do it three or four times a day; eventually, it will become easy, and you’ll be able to hold it as long as you want.
Then, practice moving your sexual energy up your spine. You already feel it when it builds up behind and inside of your genitals, swelling and pushing to be released; this same energy can be moved upward instead of out. At first, you’ll have to visualize it, but the more you practice, the more you’ll feel the energy moving. It’ll feel healing and revitalizing instead of draining and exhausting.
Finally, during sex, relax the front of your body and keep your breath full. Don’t focus on a particular sensation; feel fully and openly, and feel outward—even beyond your own sensations and those of your partner. Feel out toward infinity.
When you come close to orgasm, stop moving, pull your pelvic floor in and up, and breathe the energy of your orgasm up your spine. When you combine the pulling contraction with the breath up your spine, you should feel the strength of your erection as well as your need to ejaculate decrease slightly. Repeat this as often as necessary during sex to extend your connection with your partner until you achieve the perfect union you desire.
As men and women have gained equality, the benefits have come at a price.
In an effort to land in a neutral middle, men diminish their masculinity, and women diminish their femininity. We feel uneasy about who we are and how we should be, so we’re driven by discomfort and fear. When we suppress a core aspect of ourselves, we become unable to be genuine and open, so we can’t relax into the fullness of love. Neutralizing our essence diminishes our intimacy, our sense of purpose, and our ability to connect with our internal selves.
David Deida, who conducts spiritual growth and intimacy workshops and has published 10 books in 25 languages, tells us that sexual polarity is the force of passion that arcs, almost magnetically, between masculine and feminine poles. Polarity isn’t necessary for love, but you need it for sexual passion; one partner must play the masculine role, and the other must play the feminine role.
Passionate sex requires one who desires to ravish, and one who desires to be ravished. Most people strongly prefer one role over the other, though some enjoy both or feel differently toward different people. This book is for men who are unabashedly masculine (they desire to ravish) and who are attracted to the feminine (those who desire to be ravished). To determine which role you generally prefer, think about which you are more attracted to:
If you chose the former rather than latter options, your role is masculine, and you should aim to become a “Superior Man.” To embrace his place in the polarity of intimacy, the Superior Man must unite heart and spine, be open to the present moment, and relax into the fullness of love.
Become a Superior Man by learning to be authentic. In the process, find and prioritize your purpose, understand and fulfill the needs of your woman, discipline your desires and insist on growth, embrace and channel your attraction to the feminine, and prioritize connection over pleasure.
(Shortform note: For the sake of clarity, we’ve reorganized the book’s 8 chapters into 6 parts and grouped principles by theme.)
The Superior Man knows there’s no better time to live authentically than right now. He doesn’t wait for his finances to be more secure, for his children to move out, or for his woman to change—he’s willing to do what’s necessary to give his fullest gift in every moment. Men who live significant lives don’t wait.
You have a unique gift to share, and you can’t fulfill your greatest potential if you never try. In this section, we’ll explore the masculine core, and you’ll learn how to embrace and embody your true, masculine self, so you can channel your energy into giving your greatest gift, today.
Engaging halfheartedly leads to conflict and dissatisfaction—we feel incomplete when we settle for “enough” rather than pushing for the limit of what we can achieve.
The Superior Man approaches all situations in the same way: openly, lovingly, and wholeheartedly. This is how he achieves superior results in all that he does.
Instead of giving your woman just enough that she achieves orgasm, give her everything you’ve got, and approach the world in the same way. Always embrace your desire to discover your deepest truth, to enjoy the full extent of freedom and love, and to give your fullest gifts.
The masculine core is rooted in openness and confidence—to be yourself wholeheartedly, you must learn to face your pain and fear without retreating. In this section, we’ll discuss how to do that, and why it’s important.
Closing off is an unskilled reaction to pain—it blinds you to the subtle cues and nuances of a situation, and prevents you from acting with your fullest intelligence.
The Superior Man knows that pain is an aspect of living, and doesn’t allow it to impede his growth. He stays open to ensure he can respond with wisdom, humor, and love, instead of fear and defensiveness.
What to Do:
When you find it difficult to maintain eye contact, when your breathing changes and you hold tension in your chest and solar plexus, stand straight and breathe deep into your belly. Open the front of your body, make unguarded eye contact, and feel your pain and the other person with your whole body.
A man who is unaware of his fear, or hides it, is untrustworthy. Others can see his fear and his unwillingness to acknowledge it, and they know a man who lies to himself is likely to lie to them too.
The Superior Man is trustworthy and inspirational because he knows what he fears and leans into it, sharing his gift anyway. His freedom comes from acknowledging, sharing, and facing his fear—being with what is, and remaining open.
All men are afraid. Some try to escape fear, never realizing their full capacity. Some dive into their fear, becoming too tense and off-balance to appreciate the moment. Your goal at all times should be to remain fully open and aware—live kissing your fears, not pulling away or aggressively pushing into them.
Your capacity to grow is limited by your ability to face “death,” in the form of fear. The masculine strength lies in the ability to face that death with humility and courage; to embody your fullest consciousness and share your greatest love, you must face many “deaths.”
What to Do:
Speak your fear and describe your limit aloud; be honest and acknowledge the fears that lead you to the choices you make. Would you be living the way you do if you were fearless? Are you giving your fullest gift, or are you afraid of how your life would change if you did?
Open yourself to the feelings of fear and uncertainty, and proceed regardless. Your woman wants to see you face your fear—of her anger and tension, of losing your safety and security, and of your own death. She wants your fullest, most powerful self. This is the masculine core to which she is most attracted.
As you learn to face your external fears, don’t neglect your internal fears. Shame holds you back; discard it.
Clinging to your father’s expectations limits you, burdening you with feelings of fear and unworthiness. To be a free man, you must love your father while allowing yourself to be free of his criticisms and expectations.
The Superior Man prioritizes his own purpose; he does not allow the expectations of others to sway him from his path.
What to Do:
Live the way you would if your father had died. Once a day for three days, pursue an activity your father’s influence led you to suppress or avoid. Don’t judge yourself based on his expectations.
When you push away your darker desires, they become an undercurrent of your psyche, and you lose the ability to fulfill them in conscious, loving ways.
The Superior Man understands that sexual desire is the root of his bodily energy. He owns his desires, no matter how dark they are, and takes responsibility for fulfilling them lovingly.
Your natural desire is to ravish—to break through the resistance of your woman and open her body and heart to ecstatic loving. You derive pleasure from releasing her from everything that blocks her ability to surrender fully to your love; from “taking” and filling her, body and soul.
When you suppress your desire to ravish, you settle for pornographic fantasies of rape and violence. Reclaim this desire properly, and you reclaim your ability to ravish with love.
What to Do:
The next time you make love, focus on what your woman is feeling, how she’s breathing and moving. Give up your ego and fully embrace your love for her; release your inhibitions and, from the heart of love, allow yourself to be whatever you want with her. Give her space, occasionally, to let her own desires take you places you’d never have gone otherwise. Yield to the worship of her heart, trust your combined one-ness, and let go of your “self.”
The best friends you can have are those who challenge and confront you when you need it. To confront and escape your mediocrity you must be willing to openly accept guidance and loving challenge, and to adjust yourself accordingly.
The Superior Man welcomes challenge and criticism; he takes advantage of the opportunities for introspection and growth that they present. His friends are a pillar of support to him, as he is to them.
What to Do:
Ask your friends to help you live at the edge of your fear. Be open with them about your situation, your goals, and your worries. Have them suggest things you can do that will grant you more freedom or reveal something you’re missing. Allow their guidance and criticism to lead you to introspection and growth, not defensiveness and hurt.
Spend at least an hour every day this week doing one of these things, despite your duties and constraints. Give your fullest gift today so you can go to bed knowing that you lived with the maximum amount of creativity, courage, and giving.
List at least three things you love doing, that you can engage fully in, which give you a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction.
When will you make time to do these things?
Find the limit at which you begin to fear, and live just beyond the edge of it; the Superior Man compassionately challenges his limits without trying to escape the fear itself.
In what ways are you failing to live the fullest life that’s currently available to you? What are you yearning for, but not acting on?
Describe the fears that are holding you back from action.
List two tangible ways in which you could face those fears and live more fully, today.
What friends could help you challenge your mediocrity? For what situation will you seek their guidance, and how will you ask for their help?
Now that you’re committed to being who you are, you can embark on a purposeful life. In this section, we’ll explore the importance of living with purpose, what that means, and where it belongs in your list of priorities.
The Superior Man understands what drives him and what drives his woman, and he uses that understanding to optimize his pursuit of their joint purpose.
Men are driven to pursue freedom—to push through all forms of constraint, release ourselves, and experience the total freedom of complete emptiness. Our deepest motivation is to face death and overcome it.
We see this in football: Our goal is to push through the constraint of our opponents and carry the ball to freedom. In war, we face death in service of a higher cause, giving our all for the sake of freedom. Even our orgasm is a slow build-up of tension until the moment of release frees us and empties us, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
To be free, you must face your fears and give up anything that limits your ability to love. Your attachment to comfort and security limits your capacity to achieve a spiritual touchdown. Your need for security is the constraint you must push past. Your fear of surrendering your independent self is the death you must face to achieve the freedom of total one-ness.
Women are driven to pursue love—their path to fullness is surrender, rather than release. In sex, their desire is to be filled, connected, unified, and made whole. That’s why they’re disappointed when you stop holding them after your orgasm; you’ve achieved the freedom of release, but she’s achieved the fullness of surrender and wants to remain One.
The feminine search for fullness is what leads her to fill her shelves with trinkets and tchotchkes; it’s what drives her to fill her body and heart with chocolate, shopping, and conversation. She wants to fill the emptiness in her spirit with love and connection.
Your truest release and her greatest fullness rest at the cores of your being. In discovering and embodying your truest selves, you attain your greatest freedom and she achieves her greatest love. Until you relax into your cores, she’ll always seek to fill herself and you’ll always seek release.
The Superior Man’s focus is on growth—he charts the course so others can follow, trusting the stability of his wisdom and the openness of his heart. In this section, you’ll learn the importance of trusting your core.
The journey of life is about constantly discovering deeper truths and consistently re-evaluating and reorganizing yourself around them. Live from the stable internal core of your being instead of focusing yourself around your responsibilities.
You’ll only have the energy to love fully if you’re not wasting it by struggling with dissatisfaction.
Many men lose track of who they are at their core because they habitually focus their attention outward, on the tasks and events of each day. Your engagement with everything else is secondary and superficial when you’re not loving them fully: your job, your wife, your children, your money, your art, and your pleasure.
What to Do:
Your priority at all times should be to be who you are at your deepest level.
Even in trivial moments, stay connected to who you are; nothing you’ve experienced has changed anything about who you are at your core. When you embrace yourself, you can face each moment with the humor, clarity, and completeness that comes from understanding that every moment is equally significant.
How to find your core:
Nobody will trust you to make good decisions if you always do what they suggest instead of following what you think is right. They’ll see that you’re not acting according to the truth you feel in your core, and you’ll lose their respect and trust.
Even your woman doesn’t want you to blindly obey her. She wants a superior man, one who follows the road of his deepest truth and does what he knows to be right. Her desire is to see the strength of your love, freedom, and consciousness. When she tests the stability of your purpose, she’s challenging you to uncompromisingly be your best.
When you trust your own wisdom and take responsibility for your decisions, you become more trustworthy and more capable of acting in future.
What to Do:
Instead of simply acting, practice being fully conscious in every moment. Breathe deeply, stay open, and consult your deepest truth. Weigh the pressures that drive you to act against your internal compass, and then act in the way you know is right. Trust yourself, and take responsibility for the result. Whether you’re right or wrong, learn from the outcome and deepen your understanding of yourself.
Without purpose, you’re a ship adrift at sea. Nothing you do grows you, nothing calls to you, and nothing demands your full engagement. Events lose their profoundness, and you fail to enjoy them or learn from them in meaningful ways. You sleepwalk through your days, impotent in life, career, and sex.
Many men waste their lives focused entirely on duties and tasks, noses to the grindstone. They never realize their deepest truth, feel the infinite mystery of existence, fully give their gift, or love entirely and uncompromisingly. No matter how many tasks they complete, they get no closer to becoming fully conscious, free, and wholeheartedly loving. Instead, they die, unsatisfied, at the end of an empty, monotonous life.
It’s good to be disciplined and purposeful, but when it disconnects you from your larger purpose you lose your freedom and perspective. When you know your core and are aligned with it, everything you do becomes an expression of your purpose. Your work and your intimacy become opportunities to give your fullest gifts and to enjoy the act of giving.
Your daily tasks must serve your purpose and lead you toward your deepest truth, or they waste your time.
What to Do:
Identify your deepest desire and discipline yourself accordingly. Align everything in your life—your diet, your activities, your career—with your purpose; choose every action so that it satisfies that purpose. Live intentionally, and pursue growth.
Interrupt your tasks with the following refreshers:
The journey of life is a process of fully living one obligation, mission, or purpose at a time until it is finished and the next one can begin. When you fulfill a purpose, you grow closer to the truth of your heart—your deepest purpose. You unlock a deeper layer and open yourself to more fulfilling opportunities.
It’s natural, when a purpose is fulfilled, to lose interest in it. It no longer motivates you because you’ve satisfied your need to engage in it.
You’ll know you’ve completed a layer of purpose when you have no regrets about having started or ended that project. The prospect of moving on excites and energizes you. Engaging with it further feels pointless, because you no longer have a reason to.
Even if you don’t know what your next step will be, you don’t feel confused or burdened. It’s time to move on.
What to Do:
Make a clean break, even if it takes extra time; don’t burden yourself or others with obligation.
Avoid distractions like tv, video games, dating, and drinking. Remain open to a vision of what’s next by spending time alone and consciously keeping yourself open. It may take time, and your vision may lack details, but act on the impulse as soon as it arrives.
The more deeply you become involved in your new purpose, the clearer the details will get. Learn by trial and error, and give your gift as fully and openly as you can. Any confusion will fade into clarity, and you’ll find yourself doing what you love and loving what you do.
Eventually, you’ll discover that your purpose no longer excites, engages, and fulfills you. When that happens, you’ll know it’s time to move on again. The things you’ve learned and experienced will guide you toward your next, deeper purpose. This is the cycle of karma—letting go and moving on, toward your deepest purpose and your fullest love.
There’s more to your life than loving your woman. You have a purpose that drives you, a gift to share with the world, some heart-impulse you yearn to fulfill. When you put that aside, your life becomes directionless and empty.
The Superior Man understands that life satisfaction comes from fulfilling his purpose; he knows that dissatisfaction will only impede his ability to engage fully with other things. He knows his woman wants him to be his best self, so he prioritizes his growth, even over his relationship.
When you live without purpose, everyone can feel it. You’ll lose your woman’s trust and your children’s respect. Your friends will expect little of you and your colleagues will use you to further their own purpose. When you replace your purpose with your woman, you rob yourself of your greatest self, and you rob your woman of her superior man. She deserves your full love, and you deserve to give it.
Similarly, if your children feel that you’re weak, disconnected, and unsatisfied, they will grow feeling that your love is unreliable and half-hearted. They will benefit most from spending a shorter amount of time with a father who is fully with them and who loves them wholeheartedly. When you follow your purpose, they’ll feel that you’re internally satisfied, and they will absorb that and grow with it.
Focusing on your purpose frees you to love your family more fully because your time will not feel wasted at work or home. You’ll be able to give your purpose and family your full attention, instead of doing neither wholeheartedly and being frustrated with both. Give your woman and children the fully conscious, wholly loving man they want to be loved by.
What to Do:
Live from your core. Put your purpose first; dedicate yourself to growth, to becoming the best man you can be. Find and share your greatest gift and your deepest love in every moment.
Figure out where your attention is in the moment. Are you splitting it between your mission and your relationship? Don’t use family as an excuse; prioritize your deepest purpose and live it fully. Make the choice, and engage yourself fully in what you’re doing in every moment. That way, when you’re with your family you’ll be sure of where you want to be and what you want to be doing.
The purpose of an intimate relationship, generally, is to serve each other’s enlightenment through an unwavering commitment to love, and to revitalize your cores through the physical transmission of that love via sexual polarity. The more you prioritize other purposes in your relationship, the more you diminish your passion and your polarity.
Ideally, your relationship enables each of you to become your best, truest self. For her to safely grow you need to steer the course. That doesn’t mean you have to do everything, or boss her around; it means you must provide a clear direction she can relax into and follow.
When you ask your woman to be your accountant, your friend, and your housekeeper, you lose your passion. You’ll both still desire sex and intimacy, but it will be diminished, and it’ll feel harder to find the right mood or moment. Her feminine essence will become neutralized by her need to accomplish masculine tasks, and the transmission of your masculine essence to her will be blocked by the cooperative equality of your shared work.
What to Do:
Don’t make her take charge of your life; do that yourself so she can focus on her own. When you channel your energies into pursuing your deepest purpose, to be your strongest, most loving self, your partner sees and feels it. Your confidence in your direction—with respect to your relationship, goals, and spirituality—allows her to stop worrying about your finances, future, and security. You give her the confidence to pursue her own deepest truth by removing the pressure she feels to take care of you.
Identify the shared purpose of your relationship and prioritize it. If the goal of your intimacy is a passionate transmission of love, the healing power of sexual energy, and the cultivation of your hearts through shared intimacy, prioritize that. Your woman has the capacity to open your heart and fill your body with life, but if you want that you need to give her the opportunity. And you need to give her the fullness of your masculine essence.
As you grow stronger, more confident, and more stable, you’ll see her grow more radiant, relaxed, and trusting.
You’ve now explored your masculine core. In this section, you’ll explore the feminine mindset, learn to understand the meaning behind your woman’s words and complaints, and discover how to share your masculine gifts with her.
The more familiar you become with your woman and your world, the more your desire and interest in them wane; the excitement of discovery fades, and they become lifeless and unattractive.
A mediocre man would move on, to a new job and a new mistress, rejuvenating his life with fresh energy, excitement, and polarization. But, eventually, the novelty wears off and he finds himself once again inhabiting a lifeless, unattractive world.
Your loss of interest is not the fault of your career, nor is it the fault of your woman. It stems from your lack of whole-hearted engagement; how can you expect to be excited and delighted by something you don’t fully embrace? Your familiarity has led you to stop ravishing them, depolarizing your relationship.
A Superior man takes responsibility for his mindset and rises to the challenge, knowing his woman and his world can only look as bright as he’s willing to see them. He knows it’s up to him to revitalize his woman and his world by reclaiming the excitement and attraction that was once born of novelty.
What to Do:
Your woman is more sensitive to sexual energy than you are. The instant your attraction and excitement begin to wane, she feels that she is loved and desired less, and begins to wilt. To recapture excitement and passion, you must repolarize the relationship.
If you wish your woman to be radiant and delicious, return to treating her—fully and openly—in a way that makes her feel radiant and delicious. When your interest in the world wanes, change your mindset, reclaim your excitement, and let the world you see adjust itself accordingly.
The Superior Man is open to the undercurrent of his woman’s words; he sees the truth she’s aiming for and responds with love. In this section, you’ll learn to understand what your woman means when she confuses you most.
The masculine respects a history of success and good behavior, but when you let your woman down it doesn’t matter to her that you’ve been perfect every other time. Being an asshole for 30 seconds will hurt her no less if you’ve been perfect for 30 years than it would if you’d been an asshole forever.
What matters most to her is how she feels in the current moment.
The Superior Man does his best in every moment, knowing that his woman lives and loves here and now.
What to Do:
Don’t get angry when she’s upset about one little mistake. Instead, shift the energy of the moment. Lift her heart with your love; surprise her with your humor. Instead of justifying your mistake, restore love and humor to her current moment, and your mistake will become history.
Your woman tests you because she wants to see that your love is unshakable, that you’re confident in who you are, and that you can be happy without her validation. It’s your stability and strength that pleases and excites her most, so she’ll test you in your moments of greatest success—she knows you become vulnerable in the wake of your fulfillment.
A good, strong woman wants a good, strong man. She knows that at your core you are free and powerful, and she won’t settle for anything less than your best self in every moment. She values your ability to maintain your confidence, your joy, and your love for her even when she prods you in your weak spot.
Her role in the polarity of intimacy is to surrender openly and fully to you and to do that she needs to trust you entirely. She needs to know that you’ll love her without compromise no matter what she does or says because that’s what enables her to be totally vulnerable to you, body and soul.
The Superior Man accepts his woman’s challenges as opportunities for introspection and growth, allowing her to drive him toward his greatest potential. Don’t ask her to demand less of you; she deserves everything you’ve got.
What to Do:
Meet your woman’s challenges, criticisms, doubts, and complaints with humor and love. Show her your openness, integrity, and strength. Remember that what she wants is to know that you’ll love her wholeheartedly no matter the circumstances and that you won’t stop loving her. Embrace her, make her feel loved, and appreciate her for pushing you to remain who you are.
The masculine style of communication is to say exactly what we mean, according to a well-considered stance based on our experience and the events at hand. The feminine style is to communicate the textural feeling of the moment, not the literal details of the situation. Emotions and moods are solid, real things, but they pass quickly and change often.
Her words take into account her feeling about your relationship and both the seen and unseen nuances of the situation. There’s often wisdom there that’s unavailable to your way of perceiving the world.
When you don’t clean the garage even though you said you would, that means more to her than you see. She may complain to you that the garage is a mess, but what she means is that she can’t trust your word. She’s attempting to highlight a current instance of an ongoing issue with the way you’re living your life. The solution she seeks is deeper and broader than the content of her complaint.
Similarly, she may express disinterest or ambivalence when you ask her if she’d like to see a movie with you, but change her mind after you pick her up, spin her around, and kiss her. Her initial disinterest had nothing to do with the movie. Her feeling of being loved refreshed her excitement about spending time with you, so her interest in the movie changed.
What to Do:
Understand that her inability to trust that you’ll do what you say is a huge problem. If you claim responsibility for the livelihood of your woman, you demand a lot of trust from her. When you act in ways that diminish that trust, she feels that her life with you is in jeopardy. She can’t trust your masculine direction, or your commitment to your purpose. Your integrity is critical; to trust you with her life, she needs to trust you with yours.
Show her that you’re doing everything you can in service of your masculine mission, so she doesn’t have to embody her own masculine energy to manage that for you. When you force her to keep track of things you let slip by—when you watch TV instead of paying the bills—she has to compensate for your lack, and can’t relax into her feminine essence. The relationship becomes depolarized, and you jeopardize your intimacy and passion.
Establish intimacy in the moment, so that your woman feels loved enough that she may speak openly. Try to differentiate between her sensitive wisdom and her shifting moods. Be responsible for your own decisions, so that you won’t blame her when her mood changes.
The feminine energy is an ocean. It is vast, unpredictable, and chaotic. It is both destructive and creative, and its course changes according to its own logic.
The masculine enjoys charting a path, making maps, analyzing the tides, setting goals, and following through; we’re the ships on the ocean.
The Superior Man understands that his woman benefits more from reassurance and love than she does from analysis, and doesn’t force her into his masculine mindset.
The full embodiment of femininity is to be moved by love and life, to go with the flow and be swept up in the moment. A woman who fully embodies her feminine sexual essence is deeply connected to her energy, sexually and spiritually. When she surrenders her body to you, she does it in the same open, wholehearted way that she surrenders herself spiritually, emotionally, and experientially to the world she lives in.
Your woman will be emotionally chaotic, she’ll change her mind according to a spiritual, energetic sensitivity that is totally invisible to you. And her connection to that energy—the way it fills and moves her body—will delight and excite you as much as it’ll confuse you.
Don’t ask your woman to be more like a ship; asking her to analyze her mood with the goal of fixing it will not serve her well. Her ideal is to relax and surrender, to sink into and embody her internal ocean.
Analyzing and fixing restricts and restrains the fullness of her experience. Her freedom, unlike yours, doesn’t come from analyzing the blocks to her ability to love. It comes from embracing that love and allowing it to overflow without limits.
What to Do:
Encourage your woman to be as unreadably feminine as she is; be the stable masculine pole and allow her to be the chaotic feminine. The polarity is what feeds your mutual passion and desire. Let her be who she is fully, without suppressing it, without asking her to change or calm down or be reasonable. Stand firm in your masculine stability and allow her to flow around you as aimlessly and chaotically as she feels is right. If you want to be happy in your intimacy, allow the polarity of your sexual essences; let her be crazy, mysterious, and irresistible.
Don’t analyze her, and don’t ask her to analyze herself. Instead, allow your analysis of yourself to stabilize you, and allow her to use your stability as a point of reference. Share your love with her fully, no matter where her internal ocean takes her, so that she has a safe port to return to. When you give her that, she’ll be able to surrender to her own flow, follow it wherever it goes, and return to your loving safety whenever she needs it.
In this section, you’ll learn what you can give your woman that she can’t give herself. These are your greatest gifts to her; a Superior Man understands that giving these gifts freely and openly is his role in the relationship.
Remember that the feminine seeks to be filled with love. This is what drives and motivates her; when you express unconditional love to her, you give her the greatest gift she can receive.
At her deepest level, your woman’s difficulties arise from a feeling of being incompletely loved. This is the source of her destructive moods; her anger, sadness, and upset. Because she always lives now, her moods deeply impact her experience. Throughout the day, her feminine side is either opening or closing her heart as her mood fluctuates, making her daily world unpredictable and frightening.
The Superior Man understands that while his woman can escape her darkness on her own, his loving intervention can brighten her mood far more quickly than she could herself. He gives his woman the love and support she needs to pursue her own solutions, instead of promoting her feelings of powerlessness and insecurity by bombarding her with advice.
When you refuse to engage with her—when you recoil from her moods in fear and disgust—you teach her that she isn’t always worthy of love. And you practice retreating from challenge, fear, and unpredictability, instead of living at your edge.
You experience the fullness of life when you give your greatest gift in every moment regardless of your fear, transforming the occasion by magnifying love and having no attachment to the outcome. There will always be a cycle of rise and fall, and your options are fear or mastery.
The purpose of intimacy is to help each other grow better than we could alone, in our personhood and love, through mutual gifting. Your greatest gift to her is to open her heart, and her gift to you is to provide you with opportunities to face your fear. In this way, you’ll learn that every situation is workable, and she’ll learn that to be loved, all she has to do is be who she is.
By engaging with her, you grow closer to your deepest purpose, and she to hers.
What to Do:
When your woman is caught up in her emotions, get involved. Instead of trying to fix the problem, start by addressing the mood. Assume that what she needs is to feel love, and help the mood pass before seeking the problem. Your goal is to keep loving freely, openly, and fully no matter what your woman or the world confronts you with.
Breathe fully, deeply, and openly. Join her in the mood she’s inhabiting, embrace her, and lift her out of it. Love her fiercely and uncompromisingly; show your love with humor and physical touch, not just words. Use your body to show her your stability and clarity, and let her feel that she’s safe with you. Communicate your freedom from the fear her intensity throws at you with your body. Release her from her fear that she has moods in which she becomes unlovable by loving her no matter what.
Practice responding to fear and uncertainty with openness and love; if you show your woman you can’t handle her anger, she’ll feel that she’s unlovable when she’s angry. Because she needs to feel loved no matter how she is in the moment, she’ll return to that anger until you fill the emptiness that drives it with your love.
Similarly, understand that the feminine side of your woman thrives on praise and support, not challenge and criticism. When you tell her she could be more attractive if she exercised, she hears that you don’t love her the way she is. Instead, praise the qualities you want her to grow, no matter how small they currently are—she will hear that you love what she is, and she will magnify that.
The masculine enjoys analyzing situations and making the best decision, but giving your woman this opportunity is not a gift. When you expect your woman to make her own decisions and to be responsible for the results, your refusal to share your masculine gift damages her ability to trust you.
Feminine decisions are based on what feels right, and masculine decisions are based on an analysis of the possible outcomes of all the options. When your woman asks for your opinion, she’s not asking you to choose for her. Embodying the masculine pole by sharing your analytical perspective enables your woman to embody her feminine energy more fully, deepening the intimacy of your relationship.
Often, her feminine way of deciding will be better for her than your masculine way, but it’ll still be helpful for her to hear what you think. Her deepest desire in intimacy is to relax and surrender to your direction. When you don’t share your masculine perspective, you force her to be her own man; to embody the masculine and analyze the situation herself. The more you make her do this, the more she has to neutralize her feminine essence. Instead, give her the opportunity to open herself up to whatever you have set for her, and to relax into simply enjoying what comes.
Remember that your intimate relationship requires polarity; if you want to be the masculine pole and to have her embody the feminine, embody the masculine and be that for her when she needs it. Let her be free to make her own choices, but give her the gift of your masculine decisiveness. In doing this, you’ll maintain the polarity of your relationship, giving her the comfort of your stability. She’ll be able to surrender to you sexually because you’ll have enabled her to relax into trusting your masculine energy.
What to Do:
Always help your woman make decisions by sharing your masculine perspective and telling her what you’d choose. Be clear and decisive, and let her know that in the end the choice remains hers, and that you’ll love her regardless. If the choice she makes isn’t the choice you’d make, don’t be offended; her decisions are based on what feels right for her. Don’t think your input is wasted if she doesn’t follow it.
When it comes to planning events, don’t just ask her what she wants: figure it out yourself. Learn from experience what she enjoys, what blooms and fulfills her, and give her that without asking. Escort her, lead her, and let her trust your direction. She doesn’t want to do the work of analyzing her options, choosing the best direction, and deciding on an itinerary. Instead, she’d much prefer to relax, knowing that you’ve planned everything out of your love for her. Give her that, and watch her shine.
The feminine side of your woman thrives on praise and support; this is the gift you can give to help her grow into more fully being her best self.
List two or three specific traits you love about your woman.
For each trait, write a sentence in which you praise her for that trait.
Find her, embrace her, tell her you love her, and praise her in one of these ways now. Do this at least five times each day.
In this section, we’ll explore the differences in priority between masculine and feminine, and what your responsibilities are in your relationship.
A masculine man’s primary goal will always be his mission, and a feminine woman’s primary goal will always be to maximize the flow of love in her life—this asymmetry can be a major cause of strife.
The Superior Man understands the difference in his and his woman’s core needs and adjusts their relationship to encourage those differences and promote mutual growth.
Though you’re equal, you’re not the same; for your relationship to best serve you and your woman, you must support each other in the pursuit of your distinct priorities.
The intimacy between you will give you what you want only if you’re both fulfilled in the way you most need to be. And when you are, your intimacy will carry you even beyond the hope of joy your relationship represents, into the utter ecstasy of being, existing, and living—genuinely, fully, and openly.
What to Do:
Your relationship with your woman will always be a primary determinant of her mood, unless she rejects her feminine core—in which case she will attempt to deprioritize it. This will hurt her core, because it will block the flow of love in your relationship. She needs deep, loving intimacy as much as you need to be engaged and involved in your masculine pursuits. Don’t deny her feminine essence by telling her to be more independent. Though it will certainly benefit her to have other things to engage with, your relationship is what will fulfill her most; enable her to prioritize it.
Likewise, don’t feel guilty if your woman is more “into” the relationship than you are. This is a natural consequence of the asymmetrical needs at your cores. Don’t fake a greater interest than you have, and don’t take her love for granted. Pursue your mission and your satisfaction, knowing that when you’re most fulfilled, you’ll be most present in your relationship. Your success in pursuing your core priority is what enables you to be loving, humorous, and engaged.
A healthy relationship requires that you live up to your responsibilities. In this section, you’ll learn what you’re responsible for as a partner and how to ensure you and your woman are growing into the best versions of yourselves.
As you get lost in the daily tasks of your business and your duties, your woman will get lost in the cycles of her moods and emotions. It’s your responsibility to cut through both mentalities: to stay awake to your purpose in living and to remove obstructions to your woman’s connection to the love at her core. If you don’t, she will, and her need to embody the masculine pole will depolarize your relationship.
A superior man demands authenticity, humor, and the fullest love of which he and his woman are capable—he demands they move in whatever direction most serves the growth and happiness of his woman and himself.
Your consistency and the depth with which you apply yourself are what determine the value of the gifts you give, as well as your capacity to guide your woman to greater happiness and love.
What to Do:
Take control of your life and align it around your purpose. Your laziness, your addictions, and your lack of clarity are your own responsibility—try whatever techniques are appropriate to eliminate them. You must be committed at all times to aligning your life around your deepest truth, even if you have to discover it first.
Before you can give your woman the gift of direction, you must find your own. Ensure that in every moment you’re entirely certain that you’re living exactly the life you need to. When you do, your woman will feel it, and she’ll accept and respect your guidance.
Your intent is critical. You will not succeed if you’d rather masturbate or watch TV than pursue your deepest truth.
As an adult, you’re responsible for your own happiness, health, and success. You no longer need someone to take care of you. Beyond this, you have a responsibility to give your gift. Growing past your dependence on your partner is only one step to true adulthood—the larger step is to grow beyond your need for autonomy and independence. Simply put, the stage in intimacy that comes after independence is mutual, loving service.
When you can give your gift fully in the present moment—alive and awake in your consciousness—you can feel through your connection with your woman into the world. You can see where your gift is needed and how to give it, and you can allow your inward focus to fade away as you attend to your giving.
What to Do:
Remember what your masculine gifts are:
Though your woman and the world may resist receiving your gift, give it anyway. Share your love, understanding, knowledge, and vision. Take responsibility for giving whatever your deepest realization has shown you about the meaning and nature of love to the world, and to your woman. Feel through your love of woman and world, let go of your inward-focused selfishness and petty self-concern, and let those dissolve in the giving of your gift.
The Superior Man pursues growth and encourages it in others, regardless of how uncomfortable the process may be for him.
In your daily lives, ensure you arrange for rejuvenating time, for yourself and your woman. Without it, you’ll depolarize and rot in the stagnation of daily regularity.
What to Do:
Austerity is the practice of removing your comforts and embracing your suffering. Many of your pursuits are attempts to avoid suffering; watching TV, playing video games, eating sweets, drinking alcohol, and smoking cigarettes. These activities are a blanket you wrap yourself in to avoid the suffering of boredom, loneliness, and fear. Your fear of death rests at the core of these pursuits; they distract you from the knowledge that you will eventually die. Your suffering arises from your attempt to resist that fear.
Instead, embrace that fear; participate in the sacrifice you were born to be; dissolve in the giving of your gift. Beyond your fear is a core of endless love; the knowledge of your unavoidable death, and the unavoidable deaths of others, is what motivates you to give, to love, and to fully live.
Challenge yourself with a commitment. For a week or two, give up your comforts. Remove everything around you that distracts you from all forms of suffering. Don’t watch movies, play games, or read while you sit on the toilet. Don’t disappear into daydreams and fantasies; remain fully present and conscious, and be aware of your discomfort. Sit on the floor and feel your boredom instead of avoiding it. Feel through your boredom to the core of fear that rests beyond it—fear that you’re wasting limited time. Feel through that fear to the core beyond—the boundless gift of love you yearn to share.
Challenge yourself by giving your gift in ways that are normally blocked by fear.
If you’ve always wanted to write a novel but have been blocked by fear, challenge yourself to write a chapter every week. Tell your friends that for every week you fail to meet your goal, you’ll give them $100.
Set up real consequences for avoiding your fear, so that you must surmount it. When your fear causes you to freeze in the middle of a mountain climb, it is the consequence of a death by falling that motivates you to push past it. Your consequences should be similarly dire—unless all you want is to cling to the comfortable safety net of your superficial pleasures.
At least once a week, get together with other men and challenge each other. If you see that your friend is wasting his life, let him know. Accept the same level of criticism from him. Challenge each other in ways that will force you to improve, and set consequences for failure.
Alternate these kinds of get-togethers with celebrations. Include a challenge that keeps you all conscious and focused. Instead of indulging in shared comfort, make your celebrations a communion beyond fear. Challenge yourselves to swim together in ice-cold water, or to drink to the point of drunkenness and spend the rest of the night discussing the mysteries of existence without allowing anyone to drift away. Share your fullest gift with these men, and demand their fullest gift in return.
In the same way you need masculine challenge and companionship, your woman needs feminine release and solidarity. She should spend time, every day, in open-hearted celebration with other women—dancing, singing, and laughing, fully releasing her mind from any obligation to be directed, controlled, or goal-oriented. In this way, she and her friends magnify each others’ feminine radiance. This is the balm that protects her feminine energy from depression, that rejuvenates her life energy, her sexual desire and enjoyment, and her upbeat disposition.
The Superior Man understands that his core is love, that life is transient, and that nothing is so important that its loss is to be feared.
Allow yourself to be utterly released. In every moment, love through your woman and the world. Embrace every instant of your experience as a lover, and trust the direction in which love moves you. Give your gift so open-heartedly that you don’t even realize you’ve lost your need to be self-centered.
Fear is the final excuse that holds you back. Love through your fear, and let go of it.
Attraction is crucial to living your purpose, both within your relationship and outside of it. In this section, we’ll discuss the rejuvenating energy of attraction, what women have to offer you, and how to choose the right woman for you.
As a masculine man, your attraction to the feminine is natural and inevitable. What attracts you to women is more than their outward beauty; it’s their radiance, their liveliness, and their freedom.
When we learn that our attraction to the feminine is unacceptable or evil, we learn to deny and suppress our masculine energy.
There’s more in the world that’s feminine than just women; nature, beer, music—anything beautiful, energetic, moving, and relaxing embodies the feminine essence. Even now, you’re floating in an ocean of feminine energy. It’s life in all forms; the breath in your lungs, the beating of your heart in your chest, the breeze in the trees, and the vibrancy of nature.
When you reject feminine energy, you become tired, dried out, and lonely; you begin to complain that life is not fulfilling and that there are no good women.
The Superior Man embraces his attraction to all that is feminine, allowing it to fuel his energy and his drive. He uses it to revitalize his masculine core.
Understand that sexual attraction is not the same as having sex. Being attracted to the radiance of a woman is always okay, but having sex with her may not be. The choice to get intimate with a woman requires an exploration of whether doing so will genuinely serve you both well. Any intimacy needs to come from a shared commitment to loving and serving each other, and if that isn’t there, intimacy isn’t appropriate.
What to Do:
Your desire for the feminine is an embodiment of your internal impulse to give love; don’t suppress it. It’s a feeling that rises out of a desire to live, to be a united One, and to be free in your spirit.
When you feel the zing of attraction, allow yourself to experience it fully. Don’t stare or interact with the woman who triggered it in you; just enjoy the gift of her feminine essence. Let the energy of your attraction flow through you and fill you. Don’t get caught up in feeling that you need to do something about it; you don’t. Let it be what it is, and take it as a blessing.
Reconnect with the feminine energy of the world by imagining the moment as a physical woman. Feel the way her breasts and belly press against you, and breathe in her scent and essence, as if they were feeding your soul and revitalizing your energy. Relax your body and feel her form in your surroundings, her laughter and moans in the sounds you hear, and her smile in the light. With full intention and presence, relax into the moment as you would relax into the embrace of a lover.
No woman is immortal, and no woman will ever fully satisfy you. This is not their fault; women are to be cherished, not blamed. Instead of clinging to your desire for her body, your excitement for sex, and your need for her love, use your attraction as a means of fully experiencing your existence.
The beauty you see in her is a mirage that leads you into a cycle of desire and need with no fully satisfying end. Even the joy of sex is temporary. When a woman rejects you, when your body fails to give you pleasure, when your dog doesn’t obey you, you’re unhappy. Even when you do get what you want, you’re just less unhappy.
That unhappiness melts away most in the moments in which you simply exist. When you’re driving in your car, letting the trees glide by, when you’re deep asleep, when you spend a day fishing, or a moment gazing into the eyes of an infant, and all else falls away.
This total serenity is always within you. The cycle of attraction, desire, and need has arisen because you’re searching outside of yourself for the peace that only exists inside. Your need for women comes from your spiritual desire for one-ness, for completeness, for the state of being whole.
The Superior Man isn’t distracted by superficial desires—he allows the strength of his desires to lead him to the strength at his core.
What to Do:
You can use your desire to reach this one-ness.
Women can bring you closer to it or take you further away, so magnify your desire. Reach for them. Take your woman in your arms and fill yourself with your desire. Fill her with your desire. Give her everything you want from her, the entirety of your desperate need to be whole, and feel through her, through the world, and into the core of endless love beyond.
Your woman is yourself. All that is conscious is you, and you are all that is conscious. Everything you’re attracted to, everything you desire, and everything you need is a distraction that prevents you from recognizing that you already have it within you.
Your capacity to love, to give love, and to receive love comes from your core, which is love. You are love; embrace that and allow yourself to be it.
The Superior Man embraces the myriad gifts of femininity in his pursuit of growth. He doesn’t dismiss the gifts of older women who lack the sexiness of youth, and he doesn’t let his sexual attraction to younger women impede his appreciation of their energy.
As women get older, their femininity is suppressed by their need to take on more masculine energies. The pressures of work, bills, and physical safety force them to repress their free, open, unrestrained energy. But an older woman’s deeper capacity for emotional understanding, and her lower tolerance for your bullshit, make her a valuable companion in your journey toward personal growth.
If your goal is to discover and embody your truest self, a relationship with a wiser, older woman will serve you well. Her feminine radiance, magnified by years of practice in love, compassion, and sensitivity will guide you toward revelations hitherto unimagined.
Young women haven’t had to rein in their femininity yet. They’re full of life in body, mind, and spirit, and that creative, lively, vibrant feminine energy radiates from them in an unmistakable way. Their joy and freedom reconnect us with the joy of being alive. Their presence lights us up and returns a youthful joy to our hearts.
In Western society we heavily sexualize young women, so we feel dirty and pedophilic for our attraction to their energy—but this energy, too, is a valuable gift.
The Superior Man understands the distinction between energetic and sexual attraction; he knows that attraction is a desire for energetic sharing, not merely a drive for sex.
In other words, we should enjoy and embrace the energy of young women, but in doing so it’s important that we don’t diminish the honor of this sharing by imposing our sexual desire on them.
What to Do:
When you spend time with a young woman, breathe deeply, be present, and enjoy her energy. Let it revitalize you and fill your heart with love. Allow her the freedom of sharing her gift by maintaining a respectful formality; don’t complicate her enjoyment of the moment. Let her be who she is and use the energy she gives you in your service to those around you. Let the heightened aliveness flow from her through you into your other relationships.
The Superior man is disciplined; he doesn’t let what he wants get in the way of what he needs. In this section, you’ll learn who to pursue, and the value of discipline.
You can’t have a good relationship with a woman who doesn’t want you as much as you want her. Even if she agrees to be with you, if your desire for love is greater than hers, you push her to the masculine pole.
She’ll pursue independence and desire freedom and space, and your embodiment of the feminine pole seeking a depth of love that isn’t there will lead you to be needy. In pursuing this relationship, you only punish yourself.
Because the polarity is reversed, you’ll end up in a relationship that doesn’t serve either of you. As a man with a masculine essence and a woman with a feminine essence, your reversed polarity will inhibit your ability to enjoy passionate intimacy.
The Superior Man is stable in his masculinity; he pursues women who desire him, rather than wasting his time chasing those who have no interest.
What to Do:
When you want to be with a woman, determine whether she’s playing hard to get or if she really doesn’t want you. Consult your friends and hers, and if they tell you she doesn’t want you, give up. Deal with your pain on your own, and then find a woman who wants to be with you.
You will always be most attracted to your sexual reciprocal. If your essence is strongly masculine, you will be most attracted to a woman whose essence is strongly feminine. If your essence is more balanced or neutral, you’ll prefer a woman with a similarly balanced essence. If your essence is more feminine, you’ll be most attracted to women with a more masculine essence.
You may have seen couples in which the man is more lively and vibrant than the woman. The woman is more committed to her purpose and direction, and the man is more committed to love in the relationship. This is a case in which the man has more of a feminine sexual essence, and the woman’s essence is more masculine.
Alternatively, you may have seen couples where both people have more neutral essences. These couples talk about anything and everything, sharing hobbies and friends, and even career goals. They may be less sexually passionate—you’d probably never hear of them yelling, throwing pillows, and passionately making love on the floor—but they are equally loving.
If, however, you’re like 80% of couples, you’re a man with a masculine sexual essence and your partner is a woman with a feminine sexual essence. You’re as much confounded and infuriated by her feminine way as you are excited, attracted, and turned on by her.
What to Do:
Accept that as a masculine man, you’ll be most attracted to a feminine woman. Her embodiment of the feminine sexual essence enables her to give you the gifts you most desire, and it will naturally lead her to chaotic impulses and emotional storms. She’ll seem both sexually irresistible and emotionally unreadable.
Understand that this combination is simply the way of the world; like the women you’re attracted to, your world offers you limitless desire and terrifying unpredictability. A good relationship teaches you to embrace that dichotomy and learn to face it with an open mind and a loving heart.
The polarity of your essences will give you both passion and strife, and you will benefit most when you accept and love her through both. Embrace her light and her dark equally; your capacity to stand strong in your love regardless of the unpredictability of her energy is what will grow you most—and her.
When the flow of your life changes, you may suddenly desire a different “temperature” of feminine energy.
Some women are “hot,” and some are “cool.” It’s likely that you understand this intuitively; “cool” women have a calming, soothing presence. They move more slowly and are relaxing to be around. “Hot” women are fiery and quick to change; they move fast and are driven by passionate swings of emotion. Their presence wakes you up and excites you, pulling you in and drawing you along with their whims.
Your attraction to hot or cool women will change depending on what’s happening in your life. If your days are slow and peaceful, you may desire a hot woman to ignite your passion and revitalize your energy. If your days are busy and stressful, you may want a cool woman to soothe and heal you.
The Superior Man doesn’t just drop everything when his desires change—he evaluates the situation, makes adjustments, and continues to follow his core.
What to Do:
Energy is easy to adjust; instead of rushing to leave your woman when her energy no longer matches your needs, seek to adjust the “temperature” of your life in other ways first.
If you’re running hot, a change in diet, clothing, or lifestyle can be enough to cool you down. A glass of cool fruit juice, a massage from a cool woman, or a relaxed conversation can rebalance your energy. Likewise, spending time with hot, fiery people can warm you up and enliven your spirit just as much as having sex with a hot woman would. Spicy foods and warmer clothes will do just as well.
In some cases, it can be enough to communicate your changing energy needs with your partner; you may find that even a hot woman can fulfill your need for cooling energy. Only the practice of deep, committed love can guide you through your fears to the deep calm and stability at the core of your being.
Regardless of how loving and satisfying your relationship is, you’ll probably find yourself wanting to have sex with other women. This is not necessarily a problem, and how you respond to that desire depends on your purpose in life.
If your purpose is to enjoy as much physical pleasure as you can regardless of the consequences, then have sex with as many women as possible. If your purpose is to find and share love and freedom, do whatever magnifies freedom and love in your life and the lives of those within your reach.
The Superior Man is disciplined in all things; he chooses the course that best serves himself and those who rely on him, no matter what his desire may be. Desire is acceptable; action, however, is only worthwhile if you’re disciplined enough to recognize whether acting best serves everyone affected.
Understand that self-discipline is not the same as self-suppression. Self-suppression is hiding, resisting, and fighting your desires; doing everything you can to avoid expressing them. Self-discipline is allowing your higher desires to rule your lower desires by compassionately and considerately choosing whatever action best serves you and those you love.
What to Do:
Before you consider having more than one woman, take a look at the relationship you already have. Unless the intimacy in that relationship is characterized by deep connection, spiritual happiness, and rejuvenating passion, you haven’t passed the test. You’re not ready for a second woman, and it’s best to discipline your desire and work to improve the relationship you’ve already got. Any other action will not serve anyone involved.
If your relationship does pass the test, perhaps it’s right to pursue a second woman—in this case, ensure that doing so will best serve both your own needs and happiness and the needs and happiness of your current and future partners.
In this section, we’ll discuss the goal of sexual intimacy, your role in it, and what you can do to give your greatest sexual gift.
The Superior Man releases the tension of others by releasing his own, through them, and sharing his gift of openness with the world. In this section, you’ll learn how to use your breath to channel your energy.
As you move through your day, facing fear, sadness, uncertainty, and stress, the front of your body tightens. When you think hard, your forehead wrinkles; when you feel threatened, your solar plexus gets queasy; when you’re nervous, your stomach becomes tight. As this continues from day to day, you begin to curl into yourself—you hunch forward, grit your teeth, and your breathing shallows. Your thoughts become centered on yourself, your energy becomes constricted, and your presence shrinks into your body.
Much of your energetic power rests in your belly and abdomen; to unlock it, focus on your breath. Through conscious breathing, you can release the fear and anxiety that accumulate in your body as tension.
What to Do:
As you curl into yourself, you turn your unexpressed energy into tension. That tension is a manifestation of the energy you are unable to turn outwards. Instead of curling inward, give that energy as a gift. Use it to do the dishes, or to build a business that helps others. Convert your blocked energy into service instead of storing it as tension.
At random times throughout the day inhale deeply through your nose, ballooning your breath into areas of tightness and stretching the front of your body open.
Repeat this several times.
Your breath is the primary expression of your energy; it’s one of the most powerful ways to give your gift to the world. In the same way you breathe open your own tension, you can breathe open the tension of others.
Whether at work, with your woman, or with a crowd on a bus, you can feel the tensions of others and inhale into them. Allow your fullness to expand out into them and fill them, forcing the tension out. In this way, send your attention out into the world, all day, dissolving its unease with the force of your love. Not only will you feel less tense, but the people around you will be calmed by the freedom and openness of your loving energy.
Most men waste the energy of lust by letting it stagnate in their head, through sexual fantasy, or in their genitals, through ejaculation.
Lust is the desire to unite with the feminine, to lose yourself in giving. The Superior Man channels his lust into energy, using it to empower him in the giving of his unique gift.
What to Do:
Your head and your genitals are the two poles of your body; instead of letting your lust settle in one pole, circulate it through your entire body. Use your breath to move and magnify the energy of lust, letting it fill your heart, and then turn it outward. Use the sexiness of women to empower your ability to give your gift and pour your love into the world.
When you embrace your woman sexually, open her body and heart with your breath. Inhale down the front of her body as you would through your own, filling her with the force of your love—genitals, belly, and heart. Exhale, and let the both of you dissolve into the ocean of your shared loving. Breathe through her, replacing the tension and closure of her body and heart with the force of your love.
The Superior Man prioritizes connection over pleasure. He gives his greatest gift to his woman, matching her unrestrained surrender with his wholehearted ravishment.
Your woman may enjoy making you ejaculate—she may even say she doesn’t feel sexually fulfilled unless you do—but when you ejaculate and lose your erection you disappoint her. She feels the loss of desire that accompanies your release—feels you turning away from her and detaching from your intimacy, as much emotionally and spiritually as physically.
Ejaculation without conscious choice or control weakens you physically, spiritually, and relationally. Your addiction to ejaculation prevents you from experiencing the full union of sexual love.
Most women have the capacity for multiple, deepening orgasms, each further opening her heart and spirit, releasing her fear and inhibition, and dissolving her consciousness into love. When you choose the temporary pleasure of an ejaculation and retreat into disinterest, you subtly inform her that you don’t value the full depth of her openness. And if you truly prefer the transient pleasure of ejaculation over your shared unity of body and heart, why should she open herself fully to you?
When your woman sees that you’re satisfied with a quick release—that your goal is release, rather than a perfect union—you show her that’s your priority. That in all things, you will seek release over completion, and you will lose her trust in life as you have in sex. As long as you’re addicted to ejaculation, your woman will remain sexually, emotionally, and spiritually unfulfilled.
The Superior Man chooses—even in sex—to be conscious and aware, never compromising his ability to give his greatest gift to his fullest capacity.
Your goal in sex should be to achieve the highest degree of intimacy and sexual fulfillment available to you—your woman is giving you the gift of her full and open surrender; you owe her your greatest gift in return.
The Superior Man’s focus is on giving. He gives his greatest gift at every opportunity—learning, practicing, and growing in sex, as he would in elsewhere.
The following techniques will be effective only if you practice love during sex. The natural energy of love guides the circulation of your energy in the most healthy way.
In sex with your partner, your attention must be focused outward: on your partner, your shared experience, and your love. Relax your muscles when you feel yourself squinching up. Breathe deeply and slowly when you notice the pace of your breathing increase. Feel the sensations of your partner more than your own.
To fully realize the transformative potential of sex, you must recondition your body and nervous system. There are two steps to this: pelvic floor contraction and energy circulation via the breath.
First, learn to consciously contract the muscles in your pelvic floor: your genitals, anus, and perineum (the space between your genitals and your anus). When you contract the muscles in this area, focus on pulling it upward toward your spine, and into your body. It’ll feel much like trying to hold it on your way to the bathroom.
Practice this in sets of 15 or 20, contracting those muscles and holding them for as long as you can. Do it three or four times a day; eventually, it will become easy, and you’ll be able to hold it as long as you want.
Practice breathing such that your inhale moves energy down the front of your body and your exhale moves energy up your spine. Breathe in this circle throughout the day, moving your energy so it doesn’t become stuck in your genitals or head.
Then, practice moving your sexual energy up your spine. You already feel it when it builds up behind and inside of your genitals, swelling and pushing to be released; this same energy can be moved upward instead of out. It may be easiest for you to do this on a deep inhale or a slow exhale. Experiment to see what works best for you.
At first, you’ll have to visualize it, but the more you practice, the more you’ll feel the energy moving. When the energy of orgasm moves up your body instead of out, you’ll discover a more pleasurable orgasm than the typical quick-release burst you’re used to. It’ll feel healing and revitalizing instead of draining and exhausting.
During sex, relax the front of your body and keep your breath full. Don’t focus on a particular sensation; feel fully and openly, and feel outward—even beyond your own sensations and those of your partner. Feel out toward infinity.
When you come close to orgasm, stop moving, pull your pelvic floor in and up, and breathe the energy of your orgasm up your spine. When you combine the pulling contraction with the breath up your spine, you should feel the strength of your erection as well as your need to ejaculate decrease slightly. Repeat this as often as necessary during sex to extend your connection with your partner until you achieve the perfect union you desire.
You may find it helpful to clench your hands and teeth and look upwards, though as you become more practiced you’ll find that breathing, feeling, and intending are enough to move the energy. As it shoots up your spine, enjoy the feelings, colors, and bliss that rain down through your body. Once you’re good at this, you’ll be able to feel into your partner as you experience this form of orgasm, and evoke the same feeling in them. Moving your energy upward will magnetically draw hers along with it.